Tour of Britain Stage 3, Cockermouth - Floors Castle:
Cockermouth?? England, you've outdone yourself. Moving on.
I mean they could legitimately charge admissions to this.
I'm obsessed.
I always knew I liked Rob Partridge. Now it all makes sense. Seriously though, that's mental. They have the EXACT same hair!
....Nathan is in London?
Yum, inside the feedzone feedbags with Sky on Periscope.
Wee Pete's feed fine has provided a variety of surname pronunciations: Ken-yuk, Kenya, Rod just said Kenna which makes the most sense to me.
Rob Hayles often looks so bored during these broadcasts.
Maybe he's just super chilled.
Looks like Johnny went his own way and chose the black socks.
Russ Downing and Tyler Farrar are also with Johnny in the break, with some others. There are six in total.
They've got six minutes but Etixx isn't happy because Johnny is only a minute and a half behind on GC.
Climbing now, 85k to go
Reinhardt Janse Van Rensberg riding by there with his wounds. GO RJVR!
A breakaway from the breakaway
Bit fractured, 4 with 2 close behind
Tyler's making an attack now
Is this just about mountain points?
They seem to be regrouping now on the descent.
Cav having a word at the front here
Styby is weighing in too
They're really going for it now.
Oh Alex! Also, four kilos?? I thought he was looking slimline.
Sky to the front now, ruh roh.
Gap down to 4'38''
Wee Pete riding next to Cav
Lotto Soudal also getting involved
Stefan Kung bringing everyone drinks here
Sefan Koing (like 'boing', like a cartoon 'boing' sound)
I think Do-moo-lawn has really sent me over the edge, but this is really getting stupid.
That man hanging at the back, Bradley Wiggins... They could just replay this tape at every race ever.
Frisson (excellent name) of Lotto Soudal leading the chase, gap down to 3'22''
Break is onto the next climb
Lots of activity here at the back, Sky wants some service URGENTLY
Ummmm Ty, I'm just getting a look at that hair. No.
Johnny is such a marked man.
Swifty havin' a laugh with Ian as they share drinks
The breakaway is killing and bringing the gap back out
Tyler is going for the mountain points again
He's going solo now.
Well, trying. That One Pro has joined him.
And the Madison Genesis.
They are downing gels and cokes and going for it like beasts
I think Tyler just signalled 'rock on' to the team car.
We have no news on where Johnny and the other two are but I guess we have to assume they're lost.
Gap is going out crazy
Nearly 4 minutes now
TAYLOR
Helllooooo, hello? The Tinkoff says to his team as he taps on the window to put his rainwear away.
Awww Johnny, coming back.
Russ Downing is chasing solo in no man's land.
Garmindale putting in some representation at the front here
30k to go.
The constraints in this race are interesting. Obviously the six-man teams (or three-man, if you're Lotto Jumbo), but also only one team car in the race. EBH just punctured but the car is with Tyler in the break, so he has to take neutral service.
More Garmindales on the front now. Bigtime.
They're onto the climb now
Hank looks like he's coming up the side with Taylor on his wheel. Exciting.
Silly me thinking there would be a woman DS. Clearly Brian has been saying 'Michel' not 'Michelle'.
Bibby hanging round the front as we near the summit
BIBBY CHASING THAT GUY
GO BIBS DID YOU GET IT?
He looks sort of pleased...
Ohhh they're playing that Lexus commercial with that tune again!
Ok we're back, Lotto almost in its entirety, a few Garmindales and Ian Stannard on the front
We're inside the no feed zone now. Got that Pete?
15.5k, 1 minute 45 seconds for Tyler and Co.
Stannard on the front now. Say goodbye to that gap guys.
He let Garmindale do a bit but now he's back, just hovering over a minute
They are DRAGGING this group
10k, 49 seconds
Stannard is such an MVP
Whoa just reassessed that GPS and the gap is 37 seconds now
8k
Right it's not 'three against three', one of the chasing three is Ian Standard. It's like three against 25.
6k, 20 seconds
Oh man they're right there. These roads are so cruel.
Tinkoff joining in the fun now too
A crash towards the back?
Some GBs and One Pros and apparently Petr Vakoc?
Oh man he's sitting up against the wall and getting his wrist looked at.
Gruppo Compatto
Pete Kennaugh taking to the front
2.4k to go
Alex is up at the front too
Lotto Soudal coming up, Tinkoff there
Onto those cobbles
Flamme Rouge and it's Lotto everywhere with some Skys in the mix
Elia is on Lotto's wheels
Cav possibly on Elia's wheel
Trentin maybe it was
IAM someone going for it
Elia pulls ahead!!!!
ELIA ELIA ELIA
ELIA WINSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Alex coming in with an NFTO (also Brad Wiggins was there)
Pissing in the Hedges, with Lotto-Soudal.
A documentary.
Where was Cav? He's only just come in. Maybe he was caught up in that crash.
Yeah let's see it again.
That was so good, Elia. He just keeps coming up.
How can you not want these cuties to win everything??
JJ Lobato into the yellow jersey (Proxy Alex); a BMC into third (Proxy Taylor)
Wout is fourth, DVB up to 5th.
Awww here comes Petr Vakoc with a teammie.
Does he have a little broken finger?
Aww he looks sweet this Lobato kid
Tuesday, 8 September 2015
Monday, 7 September 2015
Czech Mate
Tour of Britain Stage 2, Clitheroe - Colne:
Wow, we thought Spain was a shit show.
That's old school.
Anyway, a Garmindale won (not TJ Butcher this time), so Ted continues his streak of shepherding in wins in this, his final stage race. (keep.it.together.)
Hometown racing for Ian Bibs today so we should see some NFTO action, which is guaranteed jokes.
Good lookin' lads as well.
Anyway, Clitheroe for the start. The jokes have been made.
These cuties were warming up this morning...
The crowds are coming out in force...
Bibs was literally mobbed.
Ian! Ian! Ian!
Though coverage hasn't started, it sounds like there's a most excellent breakaway out there.
Pretty excellent break going over in La Vuelta too.
Right so that wasn't a break before, that was just the group going for mountain points. The break is actually just Pete Williams. He's got 4 minutes.
Viviani is the cutest.
OH HEY BRIAN.
Brian does not mince words. Yikes.
There aren't a lot of chances for a bunch sprint. There was a chance yesterday and we blew it and.. London.
Is Rob Hayles personally sponsored by Rapha? Or does he just like it.
Already lots of fines going out in this race it would seem.
...A lot of natural breaks in public. But that's the problem with British races now!
This commentator is obsessed with Lotto-Soudal. Did something happen with them we need to look out for?
Quoi?????
ALEX DOWSETT joined the break and nobody thought to mention this in the MILLIONS of tweets sent out by the Tour of Britain??
Awww Ed Clancy was caught up in that tumble off the Nick 'o' Pendle climb!
Sky on the front here.
The Vuelta breakaway have nearly TWENTY ONE MINUTES advantage at the moment.
Alex having a chat to the One Pro Cycling car too. Pretty snazzy pastel colour they've got going on on that car.
Sky have brought the gap down to 2 and a half minutes now that Alex is up there.
...Or have they? Bit of a Vuelta GPS here, the radio says it's 3 minutes 15 seconds.
HEY TAY
Climbin' up that climb
Well coming back from commercial the gap may be down to 1'20''.
The race just left Gisburn. Oh?
Alex dumping lots of lunch down the side of the road. Didn't want that coke.
Brian Smith is not very impressed with An-Post right now.
Alex is like, well, that was momentarily amusing.
Dropping right back to that peloton.
NFTO en masse here
Alex catching up with Cav as he rejoins.
Now having a laugh with something. Looks like Marcel Sieberg was cracking him up.
Best boyband ever.
Oh hey Dylan! What game are you playing?
He's going for that sprint LIKE A BEAST but Pim Ligthart might've pipped him on the line.
Pete Williams doing a bit of strategery with his DS here.
There are some real pronunciation traps for poor Ginger Pim here. We've had Light-heart and Lig-tard so far.
It's kicking off here. Both Lottos are trying moves.
Yellow Lotto has managed to get away but Red Lotto is quickly brought back.
Koen Bouwman is the Lotto Jumbo. He's caught up with Williams, who was only like 10 seconds ahead anyway.
They've got 21 seconds but Sky are still covering this one.
Koen B going solo on this climb
Hooooo is this Danilo Wyss?
Identified by Huw as a Lotto Soudal, by Brian as the Swiss Champ (getting there!) for IAM.
Both wrong.
Sort of getting messy here but nothing breaking
Ouch, here's the catch for Koen B.
WAHHHHHHH
BIBSSSSSSSS! #GoBibs!
He went STRAIGHT past everyone
They're kinda after him but he is SUPER CHILL
BOOM. Maximum points.
Who's this??
Apparently the climb has made three groups on the road, a 50-man front group and a 40-man chaser?
Woah 50 seconds between the groups.
Stefan Kung!
Alex and Viviani are apparently in this second group.
Wee Pete leading this... front? group.
Danilo Wyss going for another attack from the front group?
Chasers from the second group trying to bridge
Watch Chris Froome go for glory in the Tour of Spain tonight at 7. Those are some highlights.
Ok lots of stuff went down and now we have a certified break of 8 including Danilo Wyss who set it off, Ginger Pim, and Wout! among others.
They're really quite bad at this.
They have 30 seconds on the next group on the road.
Behind them by 2 minutes 20 is that second group with Elia and Alex.
I wonder who, according to the Tour of Britain, is leading the break now. Poor Bettiol, you Garmindale ghost man.
Styby's having a great day. Maybe he'll win!
It's just Vakoc.
That Alex/Elia group is now more than 5 minutes back.
The chasers with Wee Pete among others are apparently 40 seconds behind Danilo's Eight.
Hmmm Ginger Pim is going for gold today. He's already got 5 bonus seconds and now just got 3 more. He was only 10 seconds behind at the start of the stage.
Gap down to 22 seconds
7 minutes behind is Alex and Elia's group. Sad face.
Hmm the break is getting caught but Vakoc goes for broke with Bettiol on his wheel.
Vakoc goes again and leaves Bettiol. Wout is trying to get up there and dragging everyone with him.
Bit of a mess here.
Legitimately where is Vakoc? He can't be like 20 minutes ahead already, they must've lost him on the road.
IAM leading the chase behind
Ginger Pim and Alex Peters have been absorbed by the chase group
It's lunchtime over in La Vuelta. Watching our break consume a variety of snacks.
Woah those 5 caught in the commercial break. Vakoc away solo.
11k to go.
Swifty's in this chasing group?
And Matteo Trentin?
Ok so that means Greipel and EBH can't win, ok?
Gap up to 40 seconds now
Lotto Soudal is on the chase in a massive way
And Chris Anker Sorensen too for Tinkoff
8k
Vakoc is utterly killing it.
6k
5k
LEAVING IT ALL ON THE ROAD
4k, but the gap is coming down.
You've gotta sort of be sad for him really, haven't you?
Under 3k
Real Stybar has come to the front of the chase group
Maybe he's trying to make everyone thing Vakoc is already back in the group?
2k
THIS IS INSANE
Hoooo Garmindale to the front. With like ALL OF OPQS who was hiding in that group
FLAMME ROUGE FOR VAKOC
OH JESUS there they are
Stefan Kung shot off the front
Trying to get to Vakoc but Vakoc is still up there and it's insane!
HE IS TOTALLY UP THERE ALONE
500m HE HAS TO DO IT
THIS IS INCREDIBLE
HERE HE COMES!
THIS NEVER HAPPENS!!!!!!
GO FAKE STYBY!!!!!!
A Movistar was second but mostly everyone together
Taylor comes in safely.
He's just collapsed on the floor
A pair of Garmindales roll in side by side
With Johnny McEvoy just behind
That was amazing.
Looks like he's got the leader's jersey as well.
Poor Elia still hasn't come in yet.
"Heroes" is a bit over the top for podium music, isn't it?
Ok so Ian Bibby didn't win King of the Mountains?
Who is this literal idiot who does their interviews?? But still, great hair, great man.
It's a beautiful day for me, says Petr.
Hokay, over to Spain.
Vuelta Stage 16, Luarca - Ermita de Alba. Quiros:
37.7k to go, gap at 16'40'', Tinkoff leads the peloton
Gap comin down down down, 14 minutes at 35k to go
The break summits the climb
Well if Larry is anything to go by, this descent is super sketchy.
What a fucking day.
Crash!!
Chava still down!!
Nooooo, he's the Frenchest man ever!!
God. That doesn't look good.
25k to go, 11 and half minutes for the break
The break is starting the crack on this climb
Wee Pierre off the back, Moreno not far behind
LareBare and George holding strong for now
Oh Larry
Astana now taking up the pacemaking for the peloton on the climb
Frankie is leading this breakaway in a big way
The peloton is just all over this mountain
Awww George being dropped. Just Frankie and a Columbia ahead now
Tom still sitting comfortably in the main group
What you up to Nieve?
I AM GOIN.
Astana are trying to pull up to him
Christ you'd think Tom was 800 pounds with NO LEGS the way they express surprise at his ability to go uphill.
Nieve back
Frankie onto the descent
Waiting for Tom to Lose Time is going to be the title of the book about this race.
Yeah the descent before this looked way worse. Once again the forecast was a bit off.
Valverde says he's tired after the Tour de France. He claims he 'just doesn't have the magic'.
8k to go. Final climb comes at 7k.
Frankie chatting to his Columbia companion. They're ridin' along side by side for aaaaages here.
Honestly, they are having a really long discussion. ...In all honesty, a REALLY long discussion.
Gogo is utterly baffled here.
Onto the slope for those 2
Who knows what will transpire after that chat.
Columbia trying to get away but Frankie is pegging him back
Torres is his name I guess
4.5k for the leaders, they've been telling the sad tale of Frankie for like 10 minutes
Be honest Pete, you pissed on a spectator didn't you.
Tinkoff comes to the front to take the group up the climb
My lord he's got a gap whoever he is!
Aru tried to do something and then fell back like he was gut punched. That was dramatic
Haha! 'Look like Bibs'! As if you could ever be so cool.
Ok I got distracted but he is a serious hair rival to Peter Sagan.
Frankie has left Torres behind
WHY IS ASTANA RIDING SO HARD WITH ARU BACK HERE?!
AHAHAHAHAH! THIS TEAM IS FUCKING NUTS
Tom is excellently positioned and feelin' fine.
Frankie is inside 2k
I think he's indicated that he's dying.
The team car is trying to talk to him and he weakly tapped his ear. Not now, I'm in the zone.
I think we're gonna see some Classic Aru today.
Tom is in second wheel. FUCK YOU GUYS I CLIMB LIKE AN ANGEL
Just behind Landa. Who really at this rate could be riding for Tom, we never know.
Frankie hits the Flamme Rouge.
3k to go but a gradient of like 22%
Frankie into the last 400m
Hard going but he's gonna do it
Incredible. This is my favourite thing.
After 7 climbs (and what seems like seven years since his last victory), FRANKIE WINS
Yikes Torres was more than a minute back. That was quite the attack.
Landa still leading this group of faves
Chaves has been dropped and Valverde too in a big way, but all the other major players are still together.
I think Tom is intentionally riding next to Aru to just utterly destroy him mentally.
Tom ever so slightly gapped, but I mean Aru is on a slide here
Basically together
Tom reconnects
Flamme Rouge for this group
Tom dangles off the back
Puritooooooooooo
YOU GO GLEN COCO
He's got the gap!
Tom has been distanced but he won't lose much time at this point
Aru is trying so hard back there
Man that last 300m is like molasses
Aru gets ahead but he won't catch Purito and HE ONLY NEEDS ONE SECOND
ARU IS LITERALLY KILLING HIMSELF
WHERE IS THIS LINE?!!!!?
HE DID IT!!!
Aru not far behind but far enough!
Everyone else rolls in together
Just round that corner comes Tom!
He might vom but it's less than 30 seconds lost.
Captain Curvers speaks for us all.
Juan Antonio is really gonna party tonight now that Purito actually has the jersey. Not for much, he concedes.
Not for much indeed. Ashley confirms.
Whaaaaat? Cray. GO MORENO!!!
Once again, slight mistranslations MAKE LIFE AMAZING:
Tom, you saved the day.
Hah, I saved the day?
What a dude. He is so kind. After THAT STAGE, he moves to make way for more mics shoving in. And then answers questions in 10 languages.
Nieve, seen here in some sort of children's storytime circle, has jumped to 5th!
Ashley is in love with Purito.
Also, that's crazy. He went from 1 second behind to 1 second AHEAD. MENTAL.
He's looking forward to Wednesday, bien sur. .. Of course, rather.
Segura, segura.
Segura.
Everyone has lost it.
Maybe Ashley will sing his song again.
Wow, we thought Spain was a shit show.
That's old school.
Anyway, a Garmindale won (not TJ Butcher this time), so Ted continues his streak of shepherding in wins in this, his final stage race. (keep.it.together.)
Hometown racing for Ian Bibs today so we should see some NFTO action, which is guaranteed jokes.
Good lookin' lads as well.
Anyway, Clitheroe for the start. The jokes have been made.
These cuties were warming up this morning...
The crowds are coming out in force...
Bibs was literally mobbed.
Ian! Ian! Ian!
Though coverage hasn't started, it sounds like there's a most excellent breakaway out there.
Pretty excellent break going over in La Vuelta too.
Right so that wasn't a break before, that was just the group going for mountain points. The break is actually just Pete Williams. He's got 4 minutes.
Viviani is the cutest.
OH HEY BRIAN.
Brian does not mince words. Yikes.
There aren't a lot of chances for a bunch sprint. There was a chance yesterday and we blew it and.. London.
Is Rob Hayles personally sponsored by Rapha? Or does he just like it.
Already lots of fines going out in this race it would seem.
...A lot of natural breaks in public. But that's the problem with British races now!
This commentator is obsessed with Lotto-Soudal. Did something happen with them we need to look out for?
Quoi?????
ALEX DOWSETT joined the break and nobody thought to mention this in the MILLIONS of tweets sent out by the Tour of Britain??
Awww Ed Clancy was caught up in that tumble off the Nick 'o' Pendle climb!
Sky on the front here.
The Vuelta breakaway have nearly TWENTY ONE MINUTES advantage at the moment.
Alex having a chat to the One Pro Cycling car too. Pretty snazzy pastel colour they've got going on on that car.
Sky have brought the gap down to 2 and a half minutes now that Alex is up there.
...Or have they? Bit of a Vuelta GPS here, the radio says it's 3 minutes 15 seconds.
HEY TAY
Climbin' up that climb
Well coming back from commercial the gap may be down to 1'20''.
The race just left Gisburn. Oh?
Alex dumping lots of lunch down the side of the road. Didn't want that coke.
Brian Smith is not very impressed with An-Post right now.
Alex is like, well, that was momentarily amusing.
Dropping right back to that peloton.
NFTO en masse here
Alex catching up with Cav as he rejoins.
Now having a laugh with something. Looks like Marcel Sieberg was cracking him up.
Best boyband ever.
Oh hey Dylan! What game are you playing?
He's going for that sprint LIKE A BEAST but Pim Ligthart might've pipped him on the line.
Pete Williams doing a bit of strategery with his DS here.
There are some real pronunciation traps for poor Ginger Pim here. We've had Light-heart and Lig-tard so far.
It's kicking off here. Both Lottos are trying moves.
Yellow Lotto has managed to get away but Red Lotto is quickly brought back.
Koen Bouwman is the Lotto Jumbo. He's caught up with Williams, who was only like 10 seconds ahead anyway.
They've got 21 seconds but Sky are still covering this one.
Koen B going solo on this climb
Hooooo is this Danilo Wyss?
Identified by Huw as a Lotto Soudal, by Brian as the Swiss Champ (getting there!) for IAM.
Both wrong.
Sort of getting messy here but nothing breaking
Ouch, here's the catch for Koen B.
WAHHHHHHH
BIBSSSSSSSS! #GoBibs!
He went STRAIGHT past everyone
They're kinda after him but he is SUPER CHILL
BOOM. Maximum points.
Who's this??
Apparently the climb has made three groups on the road, a 50-man front group and a 40-man chaser?
Woah 50 seconds between the groups.
Stefan Kung!
Alex and Viviani are apparently in this second group.
Wee Pete leading this... front? group.
Danilo Wyss going for another attack from the front group?
Chasers from the second group trying to bridge
Watch Chris Froome go for glory in the Tour of Spain tonight at 7. Those are some highlights.
Ok lots of stuff went down and now we have a certified break of 8 including Danilo Wyss who set it off, Ginger Pim, and Wout! among others.
They're really quite bad at this.
They have 30 seconds on the next group on the road.
Behind them by 2 minutes 20 is that second group with Elia and Alex.
I wonder who, according to the Tour of Britain, is leading the break now. Poor Bettiol, you Garmindale ghost man.
Styby's having a great day. Maybe he'll win!
It's just Vakoc.
That Alex/Elia group is now more than 5 minutes back.
The chasers with Wee Pete among others are apparently 40 seconds behind Danilo's Eight.
Hmmm Ginger Pim is going for gold today. He's already got 5 bonus seconds and now just got 3 more. He was only 10 seconds behind at the start of the stage.
Gap down to 22 seconds
7 minutes behind is Alex and Elia's group. Sad face.
Hmm the break is getting caught but Vakoc goes for broke with Bettiol on his wheel.
Vakoc goes again and leaves Bettiol. Wout is trying to get up there and dragging everyone with him.
Bit of a mess here.
Legitimately where is Vakoc? He can't be like 20 minutes ahead already, they must've lost him on the road.
IAM leading the chase behind
Ginger Pim and Alex Peters have been absorbed by the chase group
It's lunchtime over in La Vuelta. Watching our break consume a variety of snacks.
Woah those 5 caught in the commercial break. Vakoc away solo.
11k to go.
Swifty's in this chasing group?
And Matteo Trentin?
Ok so that means Greipel and EBH can't win, ok?
Gap up to 40 seconds now
Lotto Soudal is on the chase in a massive way
And Chris Anker Sorensen too for Tinkoff
8k
Vakoc is utterly killing it.
6k
5k
LEAVING IT ALL ON THE ROAD
4k, but the gap is coming down.
You've gotta sort of be sad for him really, haven't you?
Under 3k
Real Stybar has come to the front of the chase group
Maybe he's trying to make everyone thing Vakoc is already back in the group?
2k
THIS IS INSANE
Hoooo Garmindale to the front. With like ALL OF OPQS who was hiding in that group
FLAMME ROUGE FOR VAKOC
OH JESUS there they are
Stefan Kung shot off the front
Trying to get to Vakoc but Vakoc is still up there and it's insane!
HE IS TOTALLY UP THERE ALONE
500m HE HAS TO DO IT
THIS IS INCREDIBLE
HERE HE COMES!
THIS NEVER HAPPENS!!!!!!
GO FAKE STYBY!!!!!!
A Movistar was second but mostly everyone together
Taylor comes in safely.
He's just collapsed on the floor
A pair of Garmindales roll in side by side
With Johnny McEvoy just behind
That was amazing.
Looks like he's got the leader's jersey as well.
Poor Elia still hasn't come in yet.
"Heroes" is a bit over the top for podium music, isn't it?
Ok so Ian Bibby didn't win King of the Mountains?
Who is this literal idiot who does their interviews?? But still, great hair, great man.
It's a beautiful day for me, says Petr.
Hokay, over to Spain.
Vuelta Stage 16, Luarca - Ermita de Alba. Quiros:
37.7k to go, gap at 16'40'', Tinkoff leads the peloton
Gap comin down down down, 14 minutes at 35k to go
The break summits the climb
Well if Larry is anything to go by, this descent is super sketchy.
What a fucking day.
Crash!!
Chava still down!!
Nooooo, he's the Frenchest man ever!!
God. That doesn't look good.
25k to go, 11 and half minutes for the break
The break is starting the crack on this climb
Wee Pierre off the back, Moreno not far behind
LareBare and George holding strong for now
Oh Larry
Astana now taking up the pacemaking for the peloton on the climb
Frankie is leading this breakaway in a big way
The peloton is just all over this mountain
Awww George being dropped. Just Frankie and a Columbia ahead now
Tom still sitting comfortably in the main group
What you up to Nieve?
I AM GOIN.
Astana are trying to pull up to him
Christ you'd think Tom was 800 pounds with NO LEGS the way they express surprise at his ability to go uphill.
Nieve back
Frankie onto the descent
Waiting for Tom to Lose Time is going to be the title of the book about this race.
Yeah the descent before this looked way worse. Once again the forecast was a bit off.
Valverde says he's tired after the Tour de France. He claims he 'just doesn't have the magic'.
8k to go. Final climb comes at 7k.
Frankie chatting to his Columbia companion. They're ridin' along side by side for aaaaages here.
Honestly, they are having a really long discussion. ...In all honesty, a REALLY long discussion.
Gogo is utterly baffled here.
Onto the slope for those 2
Who knows what will transpire after that chat.
Columbia trying to get away but Frankie is pegging him back
Torres is his name I guess
4.5k for the leaders, they've been telling the sad tale of Frankie for like 10 minutes
Be honest Pete, you pissed on a spectator didn't you.
Tinkoff comes to the front to take the group up the climb
My lord he's got a gap whoever he is!
Aru tried to do something and then fell back like he was gut punched. That was dramatic
Haha! 'Look like Bibs'! As if you could ever be so cool.
Ok I got distracted but he is a serious hair rival to Peter Sagan.
Frankie has left Torres behind
WHY IS ASTANA RIDING SO HARD WITH ARU BACK HERE?!
AHAHAHAHAH! THIS TEAM IS FUCKING NUTS
Tom is excellently positioned and feelin' fine.
Frankie is inside 2k
I think he's indicated that he's dying.
The team car is trying to talk to him and he weakly tapped his ear. Not now, I'm in the zone.
I think we're gonna see some Classic Aru today.
Tom is in second wheel. FUCK YOU GUYS I CLIMB LIKE AN ANGEL
Just behind Landa. Who really at this rate could be riding for Tom, we never know.
Frankie hits the Flamme Rouge.
3k to go but a gradient of like 22%
Frankie into the last 400m
Hard going but he's gonna do it
Incredible. This is my favourite thing.
After 7 climbs (and what seems like seven years since his last victory), FRANKIE WINS
Yikes Torres was more than a minute back. That was quite the attack.
Landa still leading this group of faves
Chaves has been dropped and Valverde too in a big way, but all the other major players are still together.
I think Tom is intentionally riding next to Aru to just utterly destroy him mentally.
Tom ever so slightly gapped, but I mean Aru is on a slide here
Basically together
Tom reconnects
Flamme Rouge for this group
Tom dangles off the back
Puritooooooooooo
YOU GO GLEN COCO
He's got the gap!
Tom has been distanced but he won't lose much time at this point
Aru is trying so hard back there
Man that last 300m is like molasses
Aru gets ahead but he won't catch Purito and HE ONLY NEEDS ONE SECOND
ARU IS LITERALLY KILLING HIMSELF
WHERE IS THIS LINE?!!!!?
HE DID IT!!!
Aru not far behind but far enough!
Everyone else rolls in together
Just round that corner comes Tom!
He might vom but it's less than 30 seconds lost.
Captain Curvers speaks for us all.
Juan Antonio is really gonna party tonight now that Purito actually has the jersey. Not for much, he concedes.
Not for much indeed. Ashley confirms.
Whaaaaat? Cray. GO MORENO!!!
Once again, slight mistranslations MAKE LIFE AMAZING:
Tom, you saved the day.
Hah, I saved the day?
What a dude. He is so kind. After THAT STAGE, he moves to make way for more mics shoving in. And then answers questions in 10 languages.
Nieve, seen here in some sort of children's storytime circle, has jumped to 5th!
Ashley is in love with Purito.
Also, that's crazy. He went from 1 second behind to 1 second AHEAD. MENTAL.
He's looking forward to Wednesday, bien sur. .. Of course, rather.
Segura, segura.
Segura.
Everyone has lost it.
Maybe Ashley will sing his song again.
Sunday, 6 September 2015
Marginal Wins
Tour of Britain Stage 1, Beaumaris - Wrexham:
Good god I might have to unfollow the Tour of Britain already and we're literally like an hour into the first stage. They are tweet-bombing. It's excessive.
Taylor Phinney is a beautiful man.
Ah Brian Smith has come back from Spain to commentate for ITV here.
No overall ambitions for former Tour de France winner. The fucking distillation of a life there. That should be the title of his biography.
Break with little over 7 minutes and a Madison-Genesis, a One Pro Cycling, an An-post, and Kristian House.
Sky leading the peloton, Wee Pete in his jazzy English champs black jersey.
Mark Renshaw chats to... not Styby anymore. Who is Czech champ?
Petr Vakoc.
Ugh the Elmiger Conundrum. Some people just BELONG in in their nation's flag.
That's cool, they misidentified Vakoc for like 10 minutes too.
Everybody's at it.
Though Avivia is a bit iffy anyway.
Yeah it's good to see Taylor Phinney in the lineup, now can we see him on the screen?
Wow the King of the Mountains race is certainly on already!
Gap brought down to 5'40'' by Sky.
Madison-Genesis makes a launch off the front for some mountain points
NFTO onto the wheel
We're seeing a lot of this breakaway. Like exclusively this breakaway.
Oh hello, who's this BMC at the back?
Are you Rick? I believe you are.
Long glimpses of EBH back here, heading back to his team car.
Hey Elia!
And Styby, Matteo, Cav! That's more like it.
Pete's taken off his winterwear and is doing the stylish black shorts/white jersey combo now.
Gap down to 4 minutes now.
Andy Fenn is towing everyone along and killing this gap.
Mwuahaha. Spain is hilarious.
Gap under three minutes, back here in Wales.
Garmindale coming to the front to feed.
So much stuff being thrown to the side! You could live for a week off it!
I don't ever want to hear about Connor Dunne's dual passports again. Get a new fact.
Bradley Wiggins has come on screen so of course that's the commentary done for the next half hour.
Hey Cav!
This heart disease commercial is SUPER EXTREME for midday Sunday.
Sky chatting amongst themselves at the front, gap under 3 minutes.
Roger Hammond waves to us from the Madison-Genesis car. Hey Rog!
Fight for the sprint in the breakaway here.
Exciting stuff. The dual citizen and Williams from One are tied at 5 points with one sprint to go.
Ian Stannard is so large. His frame is immense.
Aww cheers Ed!
Bradley Wiggins and his noticable gut make me feel gross.
This is now officially the Most English Race.
You are literally the only one, Froomey.
Hey Tay! I see you there!
BMC mostly chillin' at the back here.
Woaaah Kristian House going for those final mountain points!
V. clever. Looks like it worked. Hello first King of the Mountains.
Sky stringing this out and chatting to each other.
Kristian House and Connor Dunne sharing a bottle here
Hey Alex!!
Inside the final 50k of the Vuelta now as well. But mountains loom.
A load of upsets here at the sprint for the breakaways. House took maximum points, Dunne might've gotten it from Williams in the end.
Confirmation. So Dunne will be the first Sprints jersey wearer.
Awww Rick, no! He was so excited!
15k to go with the break at just over a minute.
This finish sounds like a bit of a nightmare. That description just went on an on and was like a list of nightmares: chicane, sharp turn, cobblestones, another chicane...
They let that break go out a slight bit but now Stannard is on the case.
Guys you're not helping.
Under 10k to go, Lotto comes to the front to pull.
Well they've just announced Most Aggressive Rider from that breakaway.
Oh man, who's the ONE GUY from this group who won't get onto the podium?
5k to go, 38 seconds.
STYBAR BOSSING IT
Kristian House goin' solo from the break!
Gahhh there they are!
The break is now two and two but that MASSIVE MASS is coming up on them
1.8k, the peloton is mopping them up
Gruppo Compatto
OPQS leads
AAHHHH FLAMME ROUGE
There are SO MANY TURNS
400 meters to go
Greipel is up there too
Elia I assume
CAV GOES
VIVIANI THERE
Also Greipel, nooooooo.
Viviani!??
That was weird.
It was almost kind of slo-mo and Viviani and Cav crossed at like the EXACT same time.
Shit who won???
God the aerial shot is not helpful.
Some NFTOs rolling in here.
Great scenery. Stop interrupting him!
Right photo finish is much more straightforward.
GO ELIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!!
Hoooo, Cav was NOT happy.
Oh my god Elia is like literally the cutest thing IN THE WORLD.
Squeeeeeee!
Dave B tossing a bottle to the crowd like a munificent land baron to his peasants.
Not pictured: Cav 'cooling down'.
Don't insult him. That's the Frenchest prize ever.
Cool mountains in the Vuelta. Movistar leads the peloton, 13k to go.
Oh he's smiling, Cav. This is odd.
Very measured response.
Heyyyyyyyy Elia! Podium!
He is a lovely man.
Alright, nipping over to the final 9k of the Vuelta.
Stage 15, Comillas - Jitu de Escarandi:
There was a break but that's mostly being absorbed in drips and drabs now. Haimar Zubeldia away alone up front at about a minute.
Astana leads the peloton.
Giovanni Visconti sent to the front to pull for Movistar.
Tom Dumoulin riding next to TheBoz here.
Aww they're catching up on Zubeldia a bit.
4.5k and 35 seconds.
Verrrrrry few people left in this group.
But still got The Boz!
Oh, no, not anymore.
Tom distanced but not terribly, riding his pace
Awwwww they're coming up on Zubeldia.
Caught at 2k.
Nieve at the front.
Tinkoff to the front.
Tom is 25 seconds back apparently.
Flamme Rouge.
Purito! Round the corner!
Ughhhhhhh it's like riding through sand.
800m
PURITO GO
Aru is KILLING HIMSELF to get back to his wheel
Purito looking kinda chill.
OMFG race for that time bonus Purito!
HE HAS GOT A GAP
God this is going on FOREVER
500m
IS HE GONNA GET THE JERSEY?!!!!?
I THINK HE CAN FUCKING DO IT
DO ITTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!
COME ON PURITO THE CROWD SHOUTS
Yaaaaaaaaaassssssss! Stage win and 10 second time bonus!
Majka next!! Aru was out of the time bonuses!!!! Don't know how far back though?!!!
OH MY GOD
Tom came in 49 seconds behind Purito.
Hardy har har Alex.
OH GOD HE'S STILL IN SECOND BY ONE SECOND.
THAT IS SICK.
We see how is. Yes Rafal, very philosophical.
What's with the weird hats for victories? And for some reason Purito looks extra weird...
God Purito got ALL THE JERSEYS. Mostly.
Wow. Vuelta Extra has topped itself yet again. Ashley is serenading Purito and Purito says it's like his wedding day. Everyone is giggling.
Tom speaks such un-accented English it makes me feel insane.
Oh Tom. What an utterly lovely man.
Good god I might have to unfollow the Tour of Britain already and we're literally like an hour into the first stage. They are tweet-bombing. It's excessive.
Taylor Phinney is a beautiful man.
Ah Brian Smith has come back from Spain to commentate for ITV here.
No overall ambitions for former Tour de France winner. The fucking distillation of a life there. That should be the title of his biography.
Break with little over 7 minutes and a Madison-Genesis, a One Pro Cycling, an An-post, and Kristian House.
Sky leading the peloton, Wee Pete in his jazzy English champs black jersey.
Mark Renshaw chats to... not Styby anymore. Who is Czech champ?
Petr Vakoc.
Ugh the Elmiger Conundrum. Some people just BELONG in in their nation's flag.
That's cool, they misidentified Vakoc for like 10 minutes too.
Everybody's at it.
Though Avivia is a bit iffy anyway.
Yeah it's good to see Taylor Phinney in the lineup, now can we see him on the screen?
Wow the King of the Mountains race is certainly on already!
Gap brought down to 5'40'' by Sky.
Madison-Genesis makes a launch off the front for some mountain points
NFTO onto the wheel
We're seeing a lot of this breakaway. Like exclusively this breakaway.
Oh hello, who's this BMC at the back?
Are you Rick? I believe you are.
Long glimpses of EBH back here, heading back to his team car.
Hey Elia!
And Styby, Matteo, Cav! That's more like it.
Pete's taken off his winterwear and is doing the stylish black shorts/white jersey combo now.
Gap down to 4 minutes now.
Andy Fenn is towing everyone along and killing this gap.
Mwuahaha. Spain is hilarious.
Gap under three minutes, back here in Wales.
Garmindale coming to the front to feed.
So much stuff being thrown to the side! You could live for a week off it!
I don't ever want to hear about Connor Dunne's dual passports again. Get a new fact.
Bradley Wiggins has come on screen so of course that's the commentary done for the next half hour.
Hey Cav!
This heart disease commercial is SUPER EXTREME for midday Sunday.
Sky chatting amongst themselves at the front, gap under 3 minutes.
Roger Hammond waves to us from the Madison-Genesis car. Hey Rog!
Fight for the sprint in the breakaway here.
Exciting stuff. The dual citizen and Williams from One are tied at 5 points with one sprint to go.
Ian Stannard is so large. His frame is immense.
Aww cheers Ed!
Bradley Wiggins and his noticable gut make me feel gross.
This is now officially the Most English Race.
You are literally the only one, Froomey.
Hey Tay! I see you there!
BMC mostly chillin' at the back here.
Woaaah Kristian House going for those final mountain points!
V. clever. Looks like it worked. Hello first King of the Mountains.
Sky stringing this out and chatting to each other.
Kristian House and Connor Dunne sharing a bottle here
Hey Alex!!
Inside the final 50k of the Vuelta now as well. But mountains loom.
A load of upsets here at the sprint for the breakaways. House took maximum points, Dunne might've gotten it from Williams in the end.
Confirmation. So Dunne will be the first Sprints jersey wearer.
Awww Rick, no! He was so excited!
15k to go with the break at just over a minute.
This finish sounds like a bit of a nightmare. That description just went on an on and was like a list of nightmares: chicane, sharp turn, cobblestones, another chicane...
They let that break go out a slight bit but now Stannard is on the case.
Guys you're not helping.
Under 10k to go, Lotto comes to the front to pull.
Well they've just announced Most Aggressive Rider from that breakaway.
Oh man, who's the ONE GUY from this group who won't get onto the podium?
5k to go, 38 seconds.
STYBAR BOSSING IT
Kristian House goin' solo from the break!
Gahhh there they are!
The break is now two and two but that MASSIVE MASS is coming up on them
1.8k, the peloton is mopping them up
Gruppo Compatto
OPQS leads
AAHHHH FLAMME ROUGE
There are SO MANY TURNS
400 meters to go
Greipel is up there too
Elia I assume
CAV GOES
VIVIANI THERE
Also Greipel, nooooooo.
Viviani!??
That was weird.
It was almost kind of slo-mo and Viviani and Cav crossed at like the EXACT same time.
Shit who won???
God the aerial shot is not helpful.
Some NFTOs rolling in here.
Great scenery. Stop interrupting him!
Right photo finish is much more straightforward.
GO ELIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!!
Hoooo, Cav was NOT happy.
Oh my god Elia is like literally the cutest thing IN THE WORLD.
Squeeeeeee!
Dave B tossing a bottle to the crowd like a munificent land baron to his peasants.
Not pictured: Cav 'cooling down'.
Don't insult him. That's the Frenchest prize ever.
Cool mountains in the Vuelta. Movistar leads the peloton, 13k to go.
Oh he's smiling, Cav. This is odd.
Very measured response.
Heyyyyyyyy Elia! Podium!
He is a lovely man.
Alright, nipping over to the final 9k of the Vuelta.
Stage 15, Comillas - Jitu de Escarandi:
There was a break but that's mostly being absorbed in drips and drabs now. Haimar Zubeldia away alone up front at about a minute.
Astana leads the peloton.
Giovanni Visconti sent to the front to pull for Movistar.
Tom Dumoulin riding next to TheBoz here.
Aww they're catching up on Zubeldia a bit.
4.5k and 35 seconds.
Verrrrrry few people left in this group.
But still got The Boz!
Oh, no, not anymore.
Tom distanced but not terribly, riding his pace
Awwwww they're coming up on Zubeldia.
Caught at 2k.
Nieve at the front.
Tinkoff to the front.
Tom is 25 seconds back apparently.
Flamme Rouge.
Purito! Round the corner!
Ughhhhhhh it's like riding through sand.
800m
PURITO GO
Aru is KILLING HIMSELF to get back to his wheel
Purito looking kinda chill.
OMFG race for that time bonus Purito!
HE HAS GOT A GAP
God this is going on FOREVER
500m
IS HE GONNA GET THE JERSEY?!!!!?
I THINK HE CAN FUCKING DO IT
DO ITTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!
COME ON PURITO THE CROWD SHOUTS
Yaaaaaaaaaassssssss! Stage win and 10 second time bonus!
Majka next!! Aru was out of the time bonuses!!!! Don't know how far back though?!!!
OH MY GOD
Tom came in 49 seconds behind Purito.
Hardy har har Alex.
OH GOD HE'S STILL IN SECOND BY ONE SECOND.
THAT IS SICK.
We see how is. Yes Rafal, very philosophical.
What's with the weird hats for victories? And for some reason Purito looks extra weird...
God Purito got ALL THE JERSEYS. Mostly.
Wow. Vuelta Extra has topped itself yet again. Ashley is serenading Purito and Purito says it's like his wedding day. Everyone is giggling.
Tom speaks such un-accented English it makes me feel insane.
Oh Tom. What an utterly lovely man.
Saturday, 5 September 2015
Winter is Coming
Vuelta Stage 14, Vitoria - Gasteiz:
Significant Abandon: Sammy Sanchez. Bet some guys are jealous.
So we've got a break with 8 and a half minutes here which includes De Marchi (again!) and Puccio (among others).
God Carlton Kirby is such a dickhead. Why is he totally unnecessarily shitting all over Cyril Gautier?? Let's get you out on a bike doing the Tour and the Vuelta you massive shit.
Thank you, Universal Sports.
Like no pressure on this upcoming time trial Tom Dumoulin. Apparently everyone needs to get 30 minutes on you in the mountains to even be in with a CHANCE on this Grand Tour.
Gap over 9 minutes now.
Astana and Movistar at the front of the peloton en masse.
JJ Rojas at the buffet here, picking out a selection of bars at the team car in the breakaway.
He likes his choice. Chewing and smiling and waving at the camera.
What a renaissance man. But seriously, sad face. Also, toenail? Yeeesh, what does that entail? Doesn't sound nice. Poor Sammy; It's impossible to pedalling.
Just waiting for this forecast explosion on the last climb today.
Otherwise just rollin' along with 25k to go and the gap at 9 and a half minutes.
What the eff is goin' down over at Brussels Cycling Classic??
The break is onto the climb up ahead.
Nothing crazy going on, no attacks, everyone just rolling through.
Peloton onto the climb.
Looks like some business from a Caja Rual.
An attack from the front of the peloton.
Ah John, leading the Gruppetto with a Lotto-Jumbo. Stay strong.
Woah straight up talking about diarrhoea on air. Graphic.
Like probably second to Mrs Coach, I just think this is the most fabulous hair.
Movistar on the front, but nothing going.
LL Sanchez and some Astanas now back onto the front, some people falling off the back now.
This Caja Rual is about to be caught. Real weird move, that was.
I don't want to be a snob, but when did we decide 'moulin' was going to be pronounced 'moo-lon'.
Hoooooooo and we're off!
Mikel Cherel attacks the break at 4k to go.
Bit of track standing and De Marchi shoots from the back!
No immediate response but JJ and a Columbia catch on.
Puccio left behind.
No pressure De Marchi, they're all ganging up on him and not working.
Little snack for Dario as Astana drills it on the front of the peloton.
Oh hello Salvatore! Caught back onto this group.
Mikel goes again
They're taking the piss out of De Marchi and making him do all the chasing
Back together again.
Wooooooaaaaah into the creepy-ass fog.
Strung out at the back of the peloton.
JJ Rojas off into the mist!
Where did he go?
De Marchi going!
Mikel can't seem to close it
De Marchi BOMBS past JJ!
Landa 'leads' (?) Aru.
Aru accelerates!
Puccio almost onto De Marchi now!
PUCCIO AHEAD
Aru away with the Witch Doctor
Puccio losing steam
or is he?!!
De Marchi is ahead
De Marchi into the last 700m, looking back
Stop talking about diarrhoea.
De Marchi looks like he's gonna vom but at the moment he's alone
Looking back
Nieve attacks from that little peloton.
You can't even see what's happening here up ahead
De Marchi looks back and knows he's done it.
BOOM.
This is an amazing finish line. It's completely obscured. Who will come out next?
Aru and the Witch Doctor have now been joined by Purito, Chavez, possibly Majka, Nieve trying to chase on
Tom is in a group behind
Quintana attacks, Aru tries to follow but can't
Purito gets to him though
Aru really fighting his bike here
Silhouettes cross the line
There's Tom.
Not crazy changes presumably then.
Lawson Craddock doesn't even look winded.
Oh Nico with his wee bandages.
Puccio finished second on the stage, they confirm. Yay Sky!
They're having a pow-wow at the summit.
Gonna make for some weird victory pictures, everything's like seen through a cheese cloth.
Little neck-warmer chic a la Leo on the podium here for De Marchi.
Looks pretty darn cold up here, wherever we are.
Like Alberta cold.
Something about the colour combo maybe makes Aru look like a figure skater.
Aww De Marchi is like giddy on Vuelta Extra (obvs, I mean it's the default setting of the programme), cute!
A touch of the apres ski about Vuelta Extra in these temperatures.
Man alive it looks fucking freezing.
I hope you understand at home, it is freezing out here.
Significant Abandon: Sammy Sanchez. Bet some guys are jealous.
So we've got a break with 8 and a half minutes here which includes De Marchi (again!) and Puccio (among others).
God Carlton Kirby is such a dickhead. Why is he totally unnecessarily shitting all over Cyril Gautier?? Let's get you out on a bike doing the Tour and the Vuelta you massive shit.
Thank you, Universal Sports.
Like no pressure on this upcoming time trial Tom Dumoulin. Apparently everyone needs to get 30 minutes on you in the mountains to even be in with a CHANCE on this Grand Tour.
Gap over 9 minutes now.
Astana and Movistar at the front of the peloton en masse.
JJ Rojas at the buffet here, picking out a selection of bars at the team car in the breakaway.
He likes his choice. Chewing and smiling and waving at the camera.
What a renaissance man. But seriously, sad face. Also, toenail? Yeeesh, what does that entail? Doesn't sound nice. Poor Sammy; It's impossible to pedalling.
Just waiting for this forecast explosion on the last climb today.
Otherwise just rollin' along with 25k to go and the gap at 9 and a half minutes.
What the eff is goin' down over at Brussels Cycling Classic??
The break is onto the climb up ahead.
Nothing crazy going on, no attacks, everyone just rolling through.
Peloton onto the climb.
Looks like some business from a Caja Rual.
An attack from the front of the peloton.
Ah John, leading the Gruppetto with a Lotto-Jumbo. Stay strong.
Woah straight up talking about diarrhoea on air. Graphic.
Like probably second to Mrs Coach, I just think this is the most fabulous hair.
Movistar on the front, but nothing going.
LL Sanchez and some Astanas now back onto the front, some people falling off the back now.
This Caja Rual is about to be caught. Real weird move, that was.
I don't want to be a snob, but when did we decide 'moulin' was going to be pronounced 'moo-lon'.
Hoooooooo and we're off!
Mikel Cherel attacks the break at 4k to go.
Bit of track standing and De Marchi shoots from the back!
No immediate response but JJ and a Columbia catch on.
Puccio left behind.
No pressure De Marchi, they're all ganging up on him and not working.
Little snack for Dario as Astana drills it on the front of the peloton.
Oh hello Salvatore! Caught back onto this group.
Mikel goes again
They're taking the piss out of De Marchi and making him do all the chasing
Back together again.
Wooooooaaaaah into the creepy-ass fog.
Strung out at the back of the peloton.
JJ Rojas off into the mist!
Where did he go?
De Marchi going!
Mikel can't seem to close it
De Marchi BOMBS past JJ!
Landa 'leads' (?) Aru.
Aru accelerates!
Puccio almost onto De Marchi now!
PUCCIO AHEAD
Aru away with the Witch Doctor
Puccio losing steam
or is he?!!
De Marchi is ahead
De Marchi into the last 700m, looking back
Stop talking about diarrhoea.
De Marchi looks like he's gonna vom but at the moment he's alone
Looking back
Nieve attacks from that little peloton.
You can't even see what's happening here up ahead
De Marchi looks back and knows he's done it.
BOOM.
This is an amazing finish line. It's completely obscured. Who will come out next?
Aru and the Witch Doctor have now been joined by Purito, Chavez, possibly Majka, Nieve trying to chase on
Tom is in a group behind
Quintana attacks, Aru tries to follow but can't
Purito gets to him though
Aru really fighting his bike here
Silhouettes cross the line
There's Tom.
Not crazy changes presumably then.
Lawson Craddock doesn't even look winded.
Oh Nico with his wee bandages.
Puccio finished second on the stage, they confirm. Yay Sky!
They're having a pow-wow at the summit.
Gonna make for some weird victory pictures, everything's like seen through a cheese cloth.
Little neck-warmer chic a la Leo on the podium here for De Marchi.
Looks pretty darn cold up here, wherever we are.
Like Alberta cold.
Something about the colour combo maybe makes Aru look like a figure skater.
Aww De Marchi is like giddy on Vuelta Extra (obvs, I mean it's the default setting of the programme), cute!
A touch of the apres ski about Vuelta Extra in these temperatures.
Man alive it looks fucking freezing.
I hope you understand at home, it is freezing out here.
Friday, 4 September 2015
13 is the Boringest Number
Vuelta Stage 13, Calatayud - Tarazona:
Ted, don't you tease! My delicate heart!
Livin' the high life.
There a party at Vuelta Extra tonight? Juan Antonio and Ashley have traded their branded polos for button ups.
Woooooooah. Ashley throwing shade at the finish town: It's not the most beautiful of arrival towns, Tarazona.
Juan Antonio reframed: In town it's nice.
So another big-ass breakaway today. 24 riders, among them of note: Nico and Niki, Stevo, De Marchi, Wee Sylvain, and Max Monfort.
They've got 4 and half minutes with 60k to go.
Astana controlling on the front.
Gap down by a minute here at 49k.
Crosswinds have been mentioned...
Peloton verrrrrrry strung out.
Wanna do a bit of work?? FFS. De Marchi seems to be indicating to Europcar and Lampre at the front.
Here at the back with Alex Howes.
Lots of picture breakup but you can't miss Niki and Nico riding on the front side by side.
But it was too much amazingness, it broke the feed and everything went black.
Woah you can tell a Morton a mile off. That hair styling is genetic. Hey Gus!
That segment on Sport Beans was pretty darn dull.
Onto the climb.
Some laughs here.
Gianluca and Max Monfort were having a bit of a giggle, then Nico joined in.
Ruben Plaza goes on the attack with Chava
They're doubting the wisdom of this long-range attack. Uh hello, Chava eats long-range attacks for breakfast.
Also, his nickname is Mimosa?
They've sort of come back together now.
A Tinkoff makes an attempt.
Max and a Lampre are chasing.
They've been joined by some others and there's now a tiny group off the front of the breakaway.
Those two groups seem to have come back together.
Splits again.
WOAH they're gonna catch that Tinkoff.
Over the top of the climb.
Some awkward bridging attempts going on
Lampre trying to get away and spoil the day
He's got 15 seconds, the group behind is a bit of a mess.
Anybody gonna do something?
He's got 20 seconds with less than 20k to go.
The peloton is just chillin' at the back.
Now 30 seconds.
40 seconds. 15k.
50 seconds. 12k.
Bit of the Marc Madiot going on here with the Lampre DS leaning out the window banging and screaming.
That chaser group is just sort of all over the place.
9.5k to go.
Niki is TRYING to go for it but he's towing a fucking tugboat of passengers.
Under 5k into the lumpy finish with just under a minute for the Lampre soloist.
Tinkoff has come to the front of the peloton for no reason I can fathom.
Movistar and OGE also joining in the fun.
Probable wind panic I suppose.
Nelson Oliveria we should probably start calling him by name cuz he's coming in for the stage win.
And there it is. Snooooooze.
Uhh the bow's been done. You're never gonna match that.
Yaaaas Nico, sprinting for the rest of the podium places.
Too bad that wasn't the finish.
Peloton just rollin' along five minutes behind like nbd.
Finally at the flamme rouge.
Some AG2R breaking off the front now as if he doesn't know the finish has already finished.
If he raises his arms I will honestly weep.
No, thank god. Just a bizarre mini-escape.
Sky comes across together chatting.
I think they were like "what was that guy about?"
Moving on, who is carrying the flag for America in Richmond:
Ok I kind of care about women and U23s, but not really.
Hey someone from Santa Rosa!
Is everyone on this programme Southern?
Alright here we go:
TAYLOR OBVSSSSSS!
Anyone who's been around Taylor knows what a charismatic character he is.
ALEX!!!!!
Representative of the International King Dynasty (though not the right one) Ben King!
Brent Bookwalter
And... Tyler Farrar? Ok, interesting.
Well the feed went out so we won't get to hear more about that 6th TBC place.
While I don't like that Boz feels left out, this does further emphasise how he's always kind of seemed English to me. I think it's the ginger hair.
Also, George Bennett is on fire this Vuelta.
Ted, don't you tease! My delicate heart!
Livin' the high life.
There a party at Vuelta Extra tonight? Juan Antonio and Ashley have traded their branded polos for button ups.
Woooooooah. Ashley throwing shade at the finish town: It's not the most beautiful of arrival towns, Tarazona.
Juan Antonio reframed: In town it's nice.
So another big-ass breakaway today. 24 riders, among them of note: Nico and Niki, Stevo, De Marchi, Wee Sylvain, and Max Monfort.
They've got 4 and half minutes with 60k to go.
Astana controlling on the front.
Gap down by a minute here at 49k.
Crosswinds have been mentioned...
Peloton verrrrrrry strung out.
Wanna do a bit of work?? FFS. De Marchi seems to be indicating to Europcar and Lampre at the front.
Here at the back with Alex Howes.
Lots of picture breakup but you can't miss Niki and Nico riding on the front side by side.
But it was too much amazingness, it broke the feed and everything went black.
Woah you can tell a Morton a mile off. That hair styling is genetic. Hey Gus!
That segment on Sport Beans was pretty darn dull.
Onto the climb.
Some laughs here.
Gianluca and Max Monfort were having a bit of a giggle, then Nico joined in.
Ruben Plaza goes on the attack with Chava
They're doubting the wisdom of this long-range attack. Uh hello, Chava eats long-range attacks for breakfast.
Also, his nickname is Mimosa?
They've sort of come back together now.
A Tinkoff makes an attempt.
Max and a Lampre are chasing.
They've been joined by some others and there's now a tiny group off the front of the breakaway.
Those two groups seem to have come back together.
Splits again.
WOAH they're gonna catch that Tinkoff.
Over the top of the climb.
Some awkward bridging attempts going on
Lampre trying to get away and spoil the day
He's got 15 seconds, the group behind is a bit of a mess.
Anybody gonna do something?
He's got 20 seconds with less than 20k to go.
The peloton is just chillin' at the back.
Now 30 seconds.
40 seconds. 15k.
50 seconds. 12k.
Bit of the Marc Madiot going on here with the Lampre DS leaning out the window banging and screaming.
That chaser group is just sort of all over the place.
9.5k to go.
Niki is TRYING to go for it but he's towing a fucking tugboat of passengers.
Under 5k into the lumpy finish with just under a minute for the Lampre soloist.
Tinkoff has come to the front of the peloton for no reason I can fathom.
Movistar and OGE also joining in the fun.
Probable wind panic I suppose.
Nelson Oliveria we should probably start calling him by name cuz he's coming in for the stage win.
And there it is. Snooooooze.
Uhh the bow's been done. You're never gonna match that.
Yaaaas Nico, sprinting for the rest of the podium places.
Too bad that wasn't the finish.
Peloton just rollin' along five minutes behind like nbd.
Finally at the flamme rouge.
Some AG2R breaking off the front now as if he doesn't know the finish has already finished.
If he raises his arms I will honestly weep.
No, thank god. Just a bizarre mini-escape.
Sky comes across together chatting.
I think they were like "what was that guy about?"
Moving on, who is carrying the flag for America in Richmond:
Ok I kind of care about women and U23s, but not really.
Hey someone from Santa Rosa!
Is everyone on this programme Southern?
Alright here we go:
TAYLOR OBVSSSSSS!
Anyone who's been around Taylor knows what a charismatic character he is.
ALEX!!!!!
Representative of the International King Dynasty (though not the right one) Ben King!
Brent Bookwalter
And... Tyler Farrar? Ok, interesting.
Well the feed went out so we won't get to hear more about that 6th TBC place.
While I don't like that Boz feels left out, this does further emphasise how he's always kind of seemed English to me. I think it's the ginger hair.
Also, George Bennett is on fire this Vuelta.
Wednesday, 2 September 2015
Ups & Downs
Vuelta Stage 11, Andorra la Vella - Cortals d'Encamp:
Is something going on today? It's not a big deal is it?
Oh. That.
The only way out is through.
TheBoz is grasping at straws. But still keeps the jokes comin'.
Bet being hit by a motorbike is lookin' pretty good right now. You get to eat pancakes and have FABULOUS hair.
Kindest Regards.
This is important scientific research. Ultimate Animals in Cycling Situations.
I think Eurosport just called it a 'horror day'. Certainly not a 'holiday'. That would be very very dry humour.
NBD, it's a walk in the park.
See them suffer with Juan Antonio Flecha. I'd watch that show, whatever it was.
Everyone who finishes today should get a prize.
Froomey just LOOKS like a lovely person.
Roll out, roll out!
If Quintana doesn't take it away today, can we JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM??
Little drib drabs all over the road from the off.
Not really a 'break' as such. Everyone is strung out.
Froomey?!! OH WHAT! He had quite a bit of a tumble!
Not panicking, obvs. Just spinning back up with a teammie.
He often seems to fall over, solo, in neutral zones. Very curious.
Got a Europcar and Darwin Atapuma slightly off the front here.
Froome onto the back with the stragglers here.
Iljo among them. Sad face.
UGHH is DUMOULIN A TIME TRIALIST?!! IS THAT ALL THE INFORMATION WE HAVE ABOUT HIM!!?
Davide Villella on Froome's wheel and Niki on his.
Atapuma now with a handful of others.
Froome's shouting at the motorbike in Spanish. Commentators refuse to translate. Eek.
I mean the gist (with accompanying hand gestures) was clearly 'fuck off out my face' but I guess those of us non-Spanish-speakers will never know.
Though apparently it was also blasphemous. The plot thickens.
Oh sure I guess the last word could've been 'dios'.
1 climb down, onto the descent.
Motos out. Drones in. for Froome.
That break has a lot more people in it suddenly.
TheBoz?
Awww did LareBare help a brother out there? Apparently helped Froomey move up the group.
So Froomey's in the main group of favourites, that front group with TheBoz is a minute ahead.
Onto the second climb now, Coll d'Orino.
Apologies for my misrepresentation. It's the polka dot jersey, it does look a bit like a dragon.
UNIVERSAL SPORTS COVERAGE WHERE ARE YOU I'M DYING
19 now up front. Niki falling off the back.
Only other person of vague interest up here is GeorgeBennett?
Astana leading the favourites group with Movistar behind.
Niki's in the cars, rejoining this group.
If he mentions this fucking dragon one more time I'm going to murder.
I mean, does Eurosport HATE the Vuelta?? Carlton Kirby and Sean Kelly?? THERE IS NOTHING WORSE.
Oh hey Tom. There's Tom near the back of the favourites group.
Cool rain gilets here at the back.
Getting cold out here, everyone is layering up.
Clouds look ominous but no rain yet. 26k of descent just about to come up.
The break hits the top of the climb.
Alex Howes swinging around the back here.
Nothing major on this descent, though it's long.
A couple of ungainly moves here and there but no rain and everyone is generally managing to stay upright.
The break is going out though, over 3 minutes now.
There's one guy out front but it looks like he just accidentally got out front on the descent.
Although maybe he's going for it??
Garmindale talking to the Race Director.
Niki.... adjusting himself post-pee?
Sky coming to the front in force, G chatting into the radio.
Oh Jussi, he had a rough ol' Giro didn't he? Having problems with his radio now.
Sky really taking charge.
That solo Movistar is a minute ahead of the breakaway now. Break at 4'30'' on peloton.
Puerto de la Rabassa, climb three, boom.
I'm not trying to minimize crashes or their effects, but Froome literally got straight back up and joined the group in the most calm, unworrying fashion. And it was like several hours ago.
Of course I'm forgetting that Carlton Kirby is SO FUCKING TERRIBLE all he can ever do is talk about crashes cuz he knows literally nothing about bike racing.
But seriously. SHUT UP.
Elsewhere: Bibby! Hank! Rob! McEvoyyy!
Hank didn't go on the lads holiday to Girona so you couldn't be sure he was in the frame. So yay!
Also, the greatest news about anything possibly ever: TAYLOR IS COMING!
I mean you scroll down and it's just joy upon joy.
Anyway, back in Andorra, Sky is still bossin' on the front, clearly.
Nothing has changed for several minutes. Trying to block out this inane chatter about wing mirrors.
Qui es?
Alex!
Where are you?
The back it would seem.
Hup! Attack George Bennett!
Oh there are some other guys in front of him. Guess we missed their attack.
Anyway, chasers.
Has Landa been in the break this whole time?!!
Anyway a few were kinda away but seem to have all come back together now.
That Movistar goes over the top.
And now the breakaway.
Gettin' some feedbags here as the peloton makes their way to the top of the climb.
Gilet for G.
Peloton onto the descent now.
Are those the brakes screeching??
Breakaway going forwards and backwards here. Some catching the Movistar, some being caught by Sky.
What an idiotic place for a feed zone. Obviously literally no one adhered to that.
50k, onto the Especial!
Sky still bossin'.
The break is kinda gapping all over.
TheBoz seems to have made a four-man group slightly ahead.
This weird amazing haunted looking horse was just looking over the fence at George and a Movistar.
The gap is going out, over 5 minutes now. Sky still all over the front.
The motorcycles are literally at a standstill as these bikes roll up.
Boz talking to Sicard.
Mikel Landa going away from the break?
Oh shit, here comes the rain.
Fare thee well says Christian Knees as he drops off the back. Job done and a kiss for the camera.
Dario?
Well Landa is solo out front and now Astana comes to the front. Is Lance their DS?
The rain is realllllly coming down now.
Ohhh Froomey! Struggling a bit at the back now, G keeping him company.
Ughhh they're like racing in the dark here.
NIKI?!
Niki what are you up to?
Hmmm. He's lingering up front here.
Is Groupo Froome a separate group? They look like they're on the back of the main group.
But if these graphics are to be believed he's losing a bit of time here.
Oh Moreno. In Groupo Froome.
Several Garmindale's here it would seem.
Merciful jesus Universal Sports you finally came through.
Dario is a MFing KILLER.
All of Sky has come back for Froomey.
Not Boz, obvs.
Alright 'Gogo', you're a massive downer. Go join the Eurosport team with your neg and stupid commentating.
Froomey asking for service now.
Boz lookin' like a cool Rapha advert as he straightens up and puts his glasses on before the descent.
Ah Froome. What is going on here.
Awww Medical Assistance is chatting to him. Dunno, gave him a little encouraging pat on the shoulder.
Oh jesus he's finally at his car now.
He looks depressed. Took something from the car and immediately popped it in his mouth. Like a pain pill or something.
G looks back at him.
The favourites group peaks the Especial.
Tom made it over in the group, we confirm.
Oh Froome.
Oh my good christ, I thought he was handing his bottle to G to open it for him like a weak child. But he was just passing it on.
Gilet for Froome and he and G take the descent.
They're like 3 minutes behind the main group.
It's become deeply unclear where everyone is on this descent.
Long range heli shots interspersed with unclear single-rider shots at indeterminate points on the road.
Tom is out there with a flapping gilet.
Valv.Piti with Purito somewhere, but no one knows where.
Well there's at least one person ahead of them. 2 at least.
Possible they're catching some breakaways.
Ok, there's some breakaways, Purito's group 3 minutes behind them, Tom and the favourites 54 seconds behind that, and then you know... Froomey somewhere.
Over 3 minutes back for Froome.
George Bennett looks back as Groupo Rodriguez storms up on him: Huh?
Who's the Garmin in Tom's group?
Ah it's Joe! He's been having such a difficult time I wouldn't have thought!
So wait what?
Groupo Purito pursuing the front of the race, and Aru/Chaves/Quintana Groupo pursues them? And Tom and Co. pursues them. Maybe.
Aru's group is about to latch onto Groupo Purito.
Leaders on the road are onto the climb.
Froome and G on their lonely fucking chase in nowheresville with an OGE and an MTN for company.
Nieve in Tom's group trying to get away.
Boz is totally killing it up here.
Oh hey Pierre, joined onto Groupo Froome.
They suggest Tom's group is basically on the ass of the Purito Group, but those graphics are... questionable, at best.
OH HEY. Tom gotcha!
So Boz and those few ahead, and now basically everyone else except Froome and G at 2 minutes.
WHAT THE LITERAL HELL. Tinkoff Saxo is UNDER ATTACK from Vuelta motorbikes. They've just announced that Sergio Paulinho has been hit by a motorbike and requires 17 STITCHES.
G and Froome picking up a few Garmindales on the road.
G keeps checking on his man.
They're 5 minutes behind the main group.
This is not a time for rhetorical questions. What shall we do now? (I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE FUCKING DO).
Astana is everywhere in these front groups, but they kind of have an OPQS problem in that they always have safety in numbers and it never seems to matter.
Boz Group onto the last climb.
Of course a Lampre makes a move and tries to neutralise the whole day.
Landa follows.
Landa now leads the way solo.
Astana leads our main group but nothing coming out of that for the moment.
Aru attacks
Purito and another Katusha stay with him
Those three ahead, Valverde, Quintana, Majka, Nieve and others behind them
Tom and others behind them
Tom's trying to pull his group back
Chaves goes past him
Nieve went off the front of his group
Tom is trying to bridge to Valverde group
Tom, Chaves, Valverde and Atapuma together
Quintana has gone ahead
Oh Froome.
Bits of breakaway are being picked up but no word on the Boz.
Is there a sadder sight than G, Froomey and Wee Pierre slogging up this mountain ALONE?
Aru goes off the front of his group
Woah. That Tinkoff from the breakaway at a DEAD STOP on the climb. Brutal.
The dynamics between Aru and Landa are as fascinating as any Lance-Bertie feud. So awks.
Tom catches Quintana.
Ok surely everyone from the breakaway has now been caught. Where is Boz?
4k left for Landa up there.
Aru is really going for it here
Later Valv.Piti! Tom dropped yo ass.
I guess maybe sometime they caught and passed the Boz and nobody cared but me?
YAAAAS BOZ
He's trying to stay on Aru's wheel.
He's doing a damn fine job of it.
GO BOZ
Tom is ultra-valiant today.
Aww Boz. Aru has left him behind.
So just Aru there, chasing his own teammate further up the road. Classic Astana.
Landa hits the Flamme Rouge.
Sorry not sorry Aru, this stage is mine!
Aru hits the Flamme Rouge.
How does Landa get away with this blatant insubordination!!? Fascinating.
Here I come!!!
He cracks me up. Ballsy.
Landa takes the stage.
Here comes Aru, how do you not fucking CRACK UP.
So, so accurate.
1'22'' later Aru comes in.
BOZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
WHAT A DUDE THAT'S AMAZING
HE BEAT PURITO ON HIS OWN STAGE, among other amazing things.
Awww Tom. He lost his jersey. Not by a lot, but meh.
I guess it goes to Aru yes? That will provide a nice distraction to the subterfuge today. Landa can wave it around like a red flag to a bull.
Well there's Wee Pierre. Isn't it?
Froomey?
Oh lord he's still fighting his way up. Sans G now it would seem.
He's just hitting the Flamme Rouge. He's with a Cofidis. I mean. Things are not right right now.
Man people are going back down the mountain and Froome's just coming in.
Where is this goddamn finish, he has to be asking.
Frooomey you hero.
About 8 and half minutes down on Landa, in the end.
Sky have managed to put nearly everyone in their team in the Top 10 at some point in this race.
I mean that is mental.
OH FROOME HE'S LITERALLY HOBBLING AND LIMPING. He can't even walk.
Words from G:
I was about to get dropped myself anyway so I waited for him.
You know Froomey, he always keeps fighting.
Not a great day, but great to see Boz up there.
Tom back in white.
Oh man sometimes the inability to fully speak English really puts things across perfectly.
Ashley: How was that today?
Tom: Uhh suffering. I suffered.
Cruelty.
Well this is an offensive colour combo on Aru. Yikes.
Yeah it was a 'real demonstration' of SOMETHING by Astana.
Is he literally laughing out loud??? "We are an extraordinarily united team". THEY ARE HILARIOUS.
TheBoz has hashtag SquadGoals to rival Taylor Swift.
I mean seriously the pro peloton is exploding with love for him right now.
Annnnnnnd it just got even more fantastic.
Moreno Moser is a duuuuuuuuude.
Nico had a wee meltdown. Or, maybe not so wee.
WHAT!? The Vuelta looks AWESOME.
What the hell. Cuteness overload. This is now my actual favourite short story.
Is something going on today? It's not a big deal is it?
Oh. That.
The only way out is through.
TheBoz is grasping at straws. But still keeps the jokes comin'.
Bet being hit by a motorbike is lookin' pretty good right now. You get to eat pancakes and have FABULOUS hair.
Kindest Regards.
This is important scientific research. Ultimate Animals in Cycling Situations.
I think Eurosport just called it a 'horror day'. Certainly not a 'holiday'. That would be very very dry humour.
NBD, it's a walk in the park.
See them suffer with Juan Antonio Flecha. I'd watch that show, whatever it was.
Everyone who finishes today should get a prize.
Froomey just LOOKS like a lovely person.
Roll out, roll out!
If Quintana doesn't take it away today, can we JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM??
Little drib drabs all over the road from the off.
Not really a 'break' as such. Everyone is strung out.
Froomey?!! OH WHAT! He had quite a bit of a tumble!
Not panicking, obvs. Just spinning back up with a teammie.
He often seems to fall over, solo, in neutral zones. Very curious.
Got a Europcar and Darwin Atapuma slightly off the front here.
Froome onto the back with the stragglers here.
Iljo among them. Sad face.
UGHH is DUMOULIN A TIME TRIALIST?!! IS THAT ALL THE INFORMATION WE HAVE ABOUT HIM!!?
Davide Villella on Froome's wheel and Niki on his.
Atapuma now with a handful of others.
Froome's shouting at the motorbike in Spanish. Commentators refuse to translate. Eek.
I mean the gist (with accompanying hand gestures) was clearly 'fuck off out my face' but I guess those of us non-Spanish-speakers will never know.
Though apparently it was also blasphemous. The plot thickens.
Oh sure I guess the last word could've been 'dios'.
1 climb down, onto the descent.
Motos out. Drones in. for Froome.
That break has a lot more people in it suddenly.
TheBoz?
Awww did LareBare help a brother out there? Apparently helped Froomey move up the group.
So Froomey's in the main group of favourites, that front group with TheBoz is a minute ahead.
Onto the second climb now, Coll d'Orino.
Apologies for my misrepresentation. It's the polka dot jersey, it does look a bit like a dragon.
UNIVERSAL SPORTS COVERAGE WHERE ARE YOU I'M DYING
19 now up front. Niki falling off the back.
Only other person of vague interest up here is GeorgeBennett?
Astana leading the favourites group with Movistar behind.
Niki's in the cars, rejoining this group.
If he mentions this fucking dragon one more time I'm going to murder.
I mean, does Eurosport HATE the Vuelta?? Carlton Kirby and Sean Kelly?? THERE IS NOTHING WORSE.
Oh hey Tom. There's Tom near the back of the favourites group.
Cool rain gilets here at the back.
Getting cold out here, everyone is layering up.
Clouds look ominous but no rain yet. 26k of descent just about to come up.
The break hits the top of the climb.
Alex Howes swinging around the back here.
Nothing major on this descent, though it's long.
A couple of ungainly moves here and there but no rain and everyone is generally managing to stay upright.
The break is going out though, over 3 minutes now.
There's one guy out front but it looks like he just accidentally got out front on the descent.
Although maybe he's going for it??
Garmindale talking to the Race Director.
Niki.... adjusting himself post-pee?
Sky coming to the front in force, G chatting into the radio.
Oh Jussi, he had a rough ol' Giro didn't he? Having problems with his radio now.
Sky really taking charge.
That solo Movistar is a minute ahead of the breakaway now. Break at 4'30'' on peloton.
Puerto de la Rabassa, climb three, boom.
I'm not trying to minimize crashes or their effects, but Froome literally got straight back up and joined the group in the most calm, unworrying fashion. And it was like several hours ago.
Of course I'm forgetting that Carlton Kirby is SO FUCKING TERRIBLE all he can ever do is talk about crashes cuz he knows literally nothing about bike racing.
But seriously. SHUT UP.
Elsewhere: Bibby! Hank! Rob! McEvoyyy!
Hank didn't go on the lads holiday to Girona so you couldn't be sure he was in the frame. So yay!
Also, the greatest news about anything possibly ever: TAYLOR IS COMING!
I mean you scroll down and it's just joy upon joy.
Anyway, back in Andorra, Sky is still bossin' on the front, clearly.
Nothing has changed for several minutes. Trying to block out this inane chatter about wing mirrors.
Qui es?
Alex!
Where are you?
The back it would seem.
Hup! Attack George Bennett!
Oh there are some other guys in front of him. Guess we missed their attack.
Anyway, chasers.
Has Landa been in the break this whole time?!!
Anyway a few were kinda away but seem to have all come back together now.
That Movistar goes over the top.
And now the breakaway.
Gettin' some feedbags here as the peloton makes their way to the top of the climb.
Gilet for G.
Peloton onto the descent now.
Are those the brakes screeching??
Breakaway going forwards and backwards here. Some catching the Movistar, some being caught by Sky.
What an idiotic place for a feed zone. Obviously literally no one adhered to that.
50k, onto the Especial!
Sky still bossin'.
The break is kinda gapping all over.
TheBoz seems to have made a four-man group slightly ahead.
This weird amazing haunted looking horse was just looking over the fence at George and a Movistar.
The gap is going out, over 5 minutes now. Sky still all over the front.
The motorcycles are literally at a standstill as these bikes roll up.
Boz talking to Sicard.
Mikel Landa going away from the break?
Oh shit, here comes the rain.
Fare thee well says Christian Knees as he drops off the back. Job done and a kiss for the camera.
Dario?
Well Landa is solo out front and now Astana comes to the front. Is Lance their DS?
The rain is realllllly coming down now.
Ohhh Froomey! Struggling a bit at the back now, G keeping him company.
Ughhh they're like racing in the dark here.
NIKI?!
Niki what are you up to?
Hmmm. He's lingering up front here.
Is Groupo Froome a separate group? They look like they're on the back of the main group.
But if these graphics are to be believed he's losing a bit of time here.
Oh Moreno. In Groupo Froome.
Several Garmindale's here it would seem.
Merciful jesus Universal Sports you finally came through.
Dario is a MFing KILLER.
All of Sky has come back for Froomey.
Not Boz, obvs.
Alright 'Gogo', you're a massive downer. Go join the Eurosport team with your neg and stupid commentating.
Froomey asking for service now.
Boz lookin' like a cool Rapha advert as he straightens up and puts his glasses on before the descent.
Ah Froome. What is going on here.
Awww Medical Assistance is chatting to him. Dunno, gave him a little encouraging pat on the shoulder.
Oh jesus he's finally at his car now.
He looks depressed. Took something from the car and immediately popped it in his mouth. Like a pain pill or something.
G looks back at him.
The favourites group peaks the Especial.
Tom made it over in the group, we confirm.
Oh Froome.
Oh my good christ, I thought he was handing his bottle to G to open it for him like a weak child. But he was just passing it on.
Gilet for Froome and he and G take the descent.
They're like 3 minutes behind the main group.
It's become deeply unclear where everyone is on this descent.
Long range heli shots interspersed with unclear single-rider shots at indeterminate points on the road.
Tom is out there with a flapping gilet.
Valv.Piti with Purito somewhere, but no one knows where.
Well there's at least one person ahead of them. 2 at least.
Possible they're catching some breakaways.
Ok, there's some breakaways, Purito's group 3 minutes behind them, Tom and the favourites 54 seconds behind that, and then you know... Froomey somewhere.
Over 3 minutes back for Froome.
George Bennett looks back as Groupo Rodriguez storms up on him: Huh?
Who's the Garmin in Tom's group?
Ah it's Joe! He's been having such a difficult time I wouldn't have thought!
So wait what?
Groupo Purito pursuing the front of the race, and Aru/Chaves/Quintana Groupo pursues them? And Tom and Co. pursues them. Maybe.
Aru's group is about to latch onto Groupo Purito.
Leaders on the road are onto the climb.
Froome and G on their lonely fucking chase in nowheresville with an OGE and an MTN for company.
Nieve in Tom's group trying to get away.
Boz is totally killing it up here.
Oh hey Pierre, joined onto Groupo Froome.
They suggest Tom's group is basically on the ass of the Purito Group, but those graphics are... questionable, at best.
OH HEY. Tom gotcha!
So Boz and those few ahead, and now basically everyone else except Froome and G at 2 minutes.
WHAT THE LITERAL HELL. Tinkoff Saxo is UNDER ATTACK from Vuelta motorbikes. They've just announced that Sergio Paulinho has been hit by a motorbike and requires 17 STITCHES.
G and Froome picking up a few Garmindales on the road.
G keeps checking on his man.
They're 5 minutes behind the main group.
This is not a time for rhetorical questions. What shall we do now? (I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE FUCKING DO).
Astana is everywhere in these front groups, but they kind of have an OPQS problem in that they always have safety in numbers and it never seems to matter.
Boz Group onto the last climb.
Of course a Lampre makes a move and tries to neutralise the whole day.
Landa follows.
Landa now leads the way solo.
Astana leads our main group but nothing coming out of that for the moment.
Aru attacks
Purito and another Katusha stay with him
Those three ahead, Valverde, Quintana, Majka, Nieve and others behind them
Tom and others behind them
Tom's trying to pull his group back
Chaves goes past him
Nieve went off the front of his group
Tom is trying to bridge to Valverde group
Tom, Chaves, Valverde and Atapuma together
Quintana has gone ahead
Oh Froome.
Bits of breakaway are being picked up but no word on the Boz.
Is there a sadder sight than G, Froomey and Wee Pierre slogging up this mountain ALONE?
Aru goes off the front of his group
Woah. That Tinkoff from the breakaway at a DEAD STOP on the climb. Brutal.
The dynamics between Aru and Landa are as fascinating as any Lance-Bertie feud. So awks.
Tom catches Quintana.
Ok surely everyone from the breakaway has now been caught. Where is Boz?
4k left for Landa up there.
Aru is really going for it here
Later Valv.Piti! Tom dropped yo ass.
I guess maybe sometime they caught and passed the Boz and nobody cared but me?
YAAAAS BOZ
He's trying to stay on Aru's wheel.
He's doing a damn fine job of it.
GO BOZ
Tom is ultra-valiant today.
Aww Boz. Aru has left him behind.
So just Aru there, chasing his own teammate further up the road. Classic Astana.
Landa hits the Flamme Rouge.
Sorry not sorry Aru, this stage is mine!
Aru hits the Flamme Rouge.
How does Landa get away with this blatant insubordination!!? Fascinating.
Here I come!!!
He cracks me up. Ballsy.
Landa takes the stage.
Here comes Aru, how do you not fucking CRACK UP.
So, so accurate.
1'22'' later Aru comes in.
BOZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
WHAT A DUDE THAT'S AMAZING
HE BEAT PURITO ON HIS OWN STAGE, among other amazing things.
Awww Tom. He lost his jersey. Not by a lot, but meh.
I guess it goes to Aru yes? That will provide a nice distraction to the subterfuge today. Landa can wave it around like a red flag to a bull.
Well there's Wee Pierre. Isn't it?
Froomey?
Oh lord he's still fighting his way up. Sans G now it would seem.
He's just hitting the Flamme Rouge. He's with a Cofidis. I mean. Things are not right right now.
Man people are going back down the mountain and Froome's just coming in.
Where is this goddamn finish, he has to be asking.
Frooomey you hero.
About 8 and half minutes down on Landa, in the end.
Sky have managed to put nearly everyone in their team in the Top 10 at some point in this race.
I mean that is mental.
OH FROOME HE'S LITERALLY HOBBLING AND LIMPING. He can't even walk.
Words from G:
I was about to get dropped myself anyway so I waited for him.
You know Froomey, he always keeps fighting.
Not a great day, but great to see Boz up there.
Tom back in white.
Oh man sometimes the inability to fully speak English really puts things across perfectly.
Ashley: How was that today?
Tom: Uhh suffering. I suffered.
Cruelty.
Well this is an offensive colour combo on Aru. Yikes.
Yeah it was a 'real demonstration' of SOMETHING by Astana.
Is he literally laughing out loud??? "We are an extraordinarily united team". THEY ARE HILARIOUS.
TheBoz has hashtag SquadGoals to rival Taylor Swift.
I mean seriously the pro peloton is exploding with love for him right now.
Annnnnnnd it just got even more fantastic.
Moreno Moser is a duuuuuuuuude.
Nico had a wee meltdown. Or, maybe not so wee.
WHAT!? The Vuelta looks AWESOME.
What the hell. Cuteness overload. This is now my actual favourite short story.
Monday, 31 August 2015
Bicycles Break Hearts
Vuelta Stage 10, Valencia - Castellon:
Fucking hell does that even count as a breakaway?
Surely that's just the peloton and everyone else is 'off the back'.
Rompen con la cabeza sounds so fucking jazzy for 'the breakaways are breaking away'.
Anyway, it's Riccardo Zoidl and Carlos Verona soloing away.
Huh. Taking a gamble on ol' Uran Uran I see.
Well, more coke for the rest of us!
Could Michal please tell us where the eff he's going?
What's the deal with disc breaks? It's getting it's own segment on Vuelta Extra. Don't seem to be very popular.
This theme music is so intense.
I'm not gonna decide if the peloton goes fast or slow, I'm just gonna be in front. Classic Niki. Niki doesn't have time for your stupid questions.
Tom havin' a little bar and a little joke with a Lotto.
A Giant yells into his radio: 40 guys in front group or [indistinct] group?
Zoidl, TheBoz, and Sammy no longer in this 40 group, among others.
Soon to be everyone, basically, cuz they apparently only have 11 seconds anyway.
All together now. 55k to go.
Here at the back, everybody wants service, everybody wants water.
OH DAMN
NICO DOWN
He's up and moving and stuff but covered in blood.
Puccio with him, think he went down too? He was very chill and solid.
At the medical car now, getting that blood off his arm and out of his pants.
Talanksy also went down apparently.
JESUS HELL. They've slo-moed the GoPro footage from Tejay's crash and it is SO HARSH. He FLIES into the air and lands 1000% on his shoulder. Christ.
Couple more Skys mustered to bring Nico back.
Bout 40 seconds behind the group.
Niki is alone somewhere...
Out front? Cabeza??
Oh recap: 6 went clear and he went solo.
OH IS ILJO THERE TOO
Niki-Iljo 1-2??!
Oh Nico. Back to the group and taking the opportunity to get a new bike.
Iljo and co. caught, Niki still out there solo
Should we just get this out there? This is typical of the Vuelta. Stage winners have been all over the map, not even in the FRAME of people we considered.
Movistar leading things at the front.
They seem content to just let him hang out there.
Ok, the line is not perfect, says Addy, being prepped during the commercial break for his on-air interview.
Niki brought back.
Not only because Henao was there but we also want to sprint with John. DON'T WE ALL.
Yeah Addy wasn't joking about that line. Bye Addy! #Spained.
Everyone rolling along together at 30k.
Coming towards the intermediate sprint, possible race for bonus seconds.
Hup! Froome!
Or not.
Was the banner in the wrong place again? FFS.
Alright well the GPS may be off here once again.
Yeah apparently they're already on the climb... without going through the sprint? Huh.
Maybe Froome's little nudge did the trick.
So up Palm Desert Mountain.
Attack Europcar.
Chased by BMC.
DeMarchi solo up front. Obviously he's been at BMC a year but I'm still confused to see him in red.
Romain Sicard chasing DeMarchi and an FDJ and an IAM chasing him.
Sicard catches DiMarchi.
OMFG THIS IS HYSTERICAL.
They're looking back at this idiotic intermediate sprint and an indeterminate Movistar kinda looks up the road as they're (apparently) coming to it, looks round and sees Froome moving up and then wildly gestures to his guys 'MOVE UP MOVE UP COME ON'. Hilare.
Apparently Movistar went 1-2-3 on it.
Elissonde has caught DeMarchi and Sicard.
Elissonde attacks and is away alone now.
Lawson Craddock leads the peloton.
Tom comes to the front.
Attack OPQS.
Haha, DeMarchi doing an Iljo.
Oh my good lord John has to win today.
Over the top of the climb now, 15.5k to go.
Elissonde really really wants something from his back pocket.
OH NO. Massive fall for Sky.
Henao. His bike has gone over the guardrail and his right side is all torn up.
Kiry stopped with him.
Is it 7 seconds or 30, what the hell are these graphics??
Brambilla is REALLY REALLY trying to catch those three.
NO PRESSURE GIANT. Jesus. They're doing all the work all day.
Tom hanging at the back near Sammy. Cuz why not?
Comin' up on those leaders.
Annnnnnnd caught. 4.5k to go.
Peloton Agrupado.
Lotto swinging all over the front.
Has to be Adam trying something.
A Movistar going for something, taking an OGE and some others.
Everyone stringing out here.
2k to go.
Lotto-Jumbo trying something now.
Astana follows
everyone follows
900m
It's an enormous mess of colours
Astana going for something
LL Sanchez
Oh jesus
It's a free for all
OPQS leads
Van der sande going
JOHN COMING?
OMG
EVERYONE IS THERE
JOHN IS THERE
WAHT
An MTN raised his hands?
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WAS IT JOHN PLEASE
WHO WAS IT I CAN'T EVEN TELL ON THE REPLAY
DAMN.
I think that MTN got it.
He came from SO FAR BACK, John.
WHY?!!
Obviously that's nice for MTN and this kid whose first win it is, and obviously when you win MILAN-SANREMO and PARIS-ROUBAIX in ONE SEASON you don't need to do anything, but the pressure on John is so extreme and they keep making him feel bad!
Alright calm yourselves MTN, you posted this three times.
Should they have chosen a simpler hashtag for a team whose first language is predominately not English? (*deleted, edited, and reposted by JVR)
He's really really pleased. He's practically jumping off the podium.
Goddamit. Except that he beat John he's very sweet.
Awww they offered to do the interview in Italian and he said English is fine.
I try already 4 times and today when I cross the line it was I'm still not believe it.
Tehehe. Sounds like the 'break' was a laugh.
Is Nico tweeting in his Irish accent?
Woah. Has he had a brain transplant??
Fucking hell does that even count as a breakaway?
Surely that's just the peloton and everyone else is 'off the back'.
Rompen con la cabeza sounds so fucking jazzy for 'the breakaways are breaking away'.
Anyway, it's Riccardo Zoidl and Carlos Verona soloing away.
Huh. Taking a gamble on ol' Uran Uran I see.
Well, more coke for the rest of us!
Could Michal please tell us where the eff he's going?
What's the deal with disc breaks? It's getting it's own segment on Vuelta Extra. Don't seem to be very popular.
This theme music is so intense.
I'm not gonna decide if the peloton goes fast or slow, I'm just gonna be in front. Classic Niki. Niki doesn't have time for your stupid questions.
Tom havin' a little bar and a little joke with a Lotto.
A Giant yells into his radio: 40 guys in front group or [indistinct] group?
Zoidl, TheBoz, and Sammy no longer in this 40 group, among others.
Soon to be everyone, basically, cuz they apparently only have 11 seconds anyway.
All together now. 55k to go.
Here at the back, everybody wants service, everybody wants water.
OH DAMN
NICO DOWN
He's up and moving and stuff but covered in blood.
Puccio with him, think he went down too? He was very chill and solid.
At the medical car now, getting that blood off his arm and out of his pants.
Talanksy also went down apparently.
JESUS HELL. They've slo-moed the GoPro footage from Tejay's crash and it is SO HARSH. He FLIES into the air and lands 1000% on his shoulder. Christ.
Couple more Skys mustered to bring Nico back.
Bout 40 seconds behind the group.
Niki is alone somewhere...
Out front? Cabeza??
Oh recap: 6 went clear and he went solo.
OH IS ILJO THERE TOO
Niki-Iljo 1-2??!
Oh Nico. Back to the group and taking the opportunity to get a new bike.
Iljo and co. caught, Niki still out there solo
Should we just get this out there? This is typical of the Vuelta. Stage winners have been all over the map, not even in the FRAME of people we considered.
Movistar leading things at the front.
They seem content to just let him hang out there.
Ok, the line is not perfect, says Addy, being prepped during the commercial break for his on-air interview.
Niki brought back.
Not only because Henao was there but we also want to sprint with John. DON'T WE ALL.
Yeah Addy wasn't joking about that line. Bye Addy! #Spained.
Everyone rolling along together at 30k.
Coming towards the intermediate sprint, possible race for bonus seconds.
Hup! Froome!
Or not.
Was the banner in the wrong place again? FFS.
Alright well the GPS may be off here once again.
Yeah apparently they're already on the climb... without going through the sprint? Huh.
Maybe Froome's little nudge did the trick.
So up Palm Desert Mountain.
Attack Europcar.
Chased by BMC.
DeMarchi solo up front. Obviously he's been at BMC a year but I'm still confused to see him in red.
Romain Sicard chasing DeMarchi and an FDJ and an IAM chasing him.
Sicard catches DiMarchi.
OMFG THIS IS HYSTERICAL.
They're looking back at this idiotic intermediate sprint and an indeterminate Movistar kinda looks up the road as they're (apparently) coming to it, looks round and sees Froome moving up and then wildly gestures to his guys 'MOVE UP MOVE UP COME ON'. Hilare.
Apparently Movistar went 1-2-3 on it.
Elissonde has caught DeMarchi and Sicard.
Elissonde attacks and is away alone now.
Lawson Craddock leads the peloton.
Tom comes to the front.
Attack OPQS.
Haha, DeMarchi doing an Iljo.
Oh my good lord John has to win today.
Over the top of the climb now, 15.5k to go.
Elissonde really really wants something from his back pocket.
OH NO. Massive fall for Sky.
Henao. His bike has gone over the guardrail and his right side is all torn up.
Kiry stopped with him.
Is it 7 seconds or 30, what the hell are these graphics??
Brambilla is REALLY REALLY trying to catch those three.
NO PRESSURE GIANT. Jesus. They're doing all the work all day.
Tom hanging at the back near Sammy. Cuz why not?
Comin' up on those leaders.
Annnnnnnd caught. 4.5k to go.
Peloton Agrupado.
Lotto swinging all over the front.
Has to be Adam trying something.
A Movistar going for something, taking an OGE and some others.
Everyone stringing out here.
2k to go.
Lotto-Jumbo trying something now.
Astana follows
everyone follows
900m
It's an enormous mess of colours
Astana going for something
LL Sanchez
Oh jesus
It's a free for all
OPQS leads
Van der sande going
JOHN COMING?
OMG
EVERYONE IS THERE
JOHN IS THERE
WAHT
An MTN raised his hands?
WHAT
WHAT
WHAT
WAS IT JOHN PLEASE
WHO WAS IT I CAN'T EVEN TELL ON THE REPLAY
DAMN.
I think that MTN got it.
He came from SO FAR BACK, John.
WHY?!!
Obviously that's nice for MTN and this kid whose first win it is, and obviously when you win MILAN-SANREMO and PARIS-ROUBAIX in ONE SEASON you don't need to do anything, but the pressure on John is so extreme and they keep making him feel bad!
Alright calm yourselves MTN, you posted this three times.
Should they have chosen a simpler hashtag for a team whose first language is predominately not English? (*deleted, edited, and reposted by JVR)
He's really really pleased. He's practically jumping off the podium.
Goddamit. Except that he beat John he's very sweet.
Awww they offered to do the interview in Italian and he said English is fine.
I try already 4 times and today when I cross the line it was I'm still not believe it.
Tehehe. Sounds like the 'break' was a laugh.
Is Nico tweeting in his Irish accent?
Woah. Has he had a brain transplant??
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)