Abu Dhabi Tour Stage 4/ Paris-Tours:
I can't get over yesterday. Can anyone get over yesterday??
There's bad luck and then there's staging the most badass chase/comeback to absolutely BOSS the stage and win the whole damn race only to SLIP in the FINAL FUCKING METERS and lose the stage AND THE WHOLE FUCKING TOUR.
I like Esteban Chaves and hats off showing such extreme class to cross the line with muted celebration, but OMFG Wout!! SO CLOSE in the Tour of Britain and now this??
Next year is Wout's year, I'm calling it.
And next year he will find love. #Woutontinder
It looks like Belgian Ted's got a cool mullet in this photo. Sad to see you go before live coverage starts Ted!
Giraffes in cycling situations!!
Ok so broadcasting started at the same time for both races. An enormous break in Paris-Tours with 7 and a half minutes, and a good-looking (and equally enormous) chase behind with 43k to go.
Up front: Heinrich Hausslar, Captain Curvers, Matteo, Tiesj, Greg VanAv, Ginger Pim, Arnaud Demare, among others. And also the rest of OPQS that isn't in the chase group.
On the chase: Niki!!, Julian Vermotte, Miki Schar, and the pleasing assonance of Marco Marcato (among others)
70k of the circuit over in Abu Dhabi with a few people out front and a duo of chasers. A couple of minutes for each.
Julian Vermotte just went way wide on that turn into someone's forecourt.
Hmmm a Giant has gone off the front of the chase group.
It's kind of a weird one out there in Abu Dhabi. Have there been any fans? It's kind of eerie.
There's Esteban in Wout's red jersey.
Just kidding. Kind of.
Niki is the patron of this chase. He is in control.
Onto the first of three climbs.
(Hey Peter!! Over in Abu Dhabi)
Some dude's gone off the front of the front now.
These guys can't wait to get to their holidays. They are FLYING along.
Front group is going mental at each other but for now it's the TA team making attacks so nothing's sticking.
(Hi Leo!!!! in Abu Dhabi)
OPQS are taking on a lot of this work, in all the groups, sooooo... I'm nervous.
This Abu Dhabi thing is just weirding me out so much. It's like a space race. Like they're on a space station and there are no humans and for some reason they're being made to ride around and around.
Come ride around our empty stadium at night. I mean that's what the invite must've said.
The two Frenchies out there are getting caught at 10k.
I'd like if Heinrich won. He's had a bit of a rough one this season.
I mean that's assuming Niki can't come back from that chase group at 2 minutes.
Whoooooo losing some men here on the climb.
MATTEO bossing on the front trying to split it.
Greg Van Av stays with him, and some other people.
Awww Heinrich on the back of the second group.
Trentin is a killer man. He just made Greg sprint out of that corner!
Now Greg goes!
They lost one guy, so now it's Matteo and Greg and Tosh Van der Sande out front alone.
GO MATTEO.
6.5k.
What's Captain Curvers doing? Was he trying to go solo?
They've got 24 seconds up there.
This chase group is depressing.
It's now or never and I think to be honest, it's never.
2.5k and they have nearly 30 seconds up there.
I mean they're kinda shooting around back there but nothing's working.
1.5k, COME ON MATTEO!!
Goujons is going for Best Placed Frenchman back there.
OH MY GOD CLASSIC GREG, does he have a mechanical!?
What is going on??
He seems to be having a Sep-style wheel breakdown but is still riding along.
Matteo is leading but they're slowing.
THIS IS SO TENSE
They're just slow slow slow.
MATTEO IS LIKE FUCK THIS I'M GOING
Greg can't go, like physically can't go. Fucking hell the unluck.
GO ON MATTEO!!!!!
COME ON!!!
HE JUST TOTALLY HAD THAT.
It was like weirdly no contest in the end.
YOU GO MATTEO.
I win 5 times in France on 7 professional wins. I always win in France actually!
Omg and then they made him speak French. Awwwww so cute! So pleased!
Oh my good lord come on. The heart can only take so much!!
Peter and Marcel are chatting side by side in Abu Dhabi.
Ok 25ks to go over here in The Space Race.
Oh interesting, the on-boards are live this time, that's what everyone was going on about this morning.
Pretty cool. The quality is a bit flou, but you can pinpoint Peter and Daniel Oss and Marcel anywhere.
Eliaaaaaaaa!
Marcel Kittel Cam really, these on-board cameras.
Just two up front now, including Gianluca Brambilla.
Sometimes Brian Smith throws MASSIVE shade on other teams.
Like I do know teams sometimes screw their riders over towards the end of the season when it's announced they're going somewhere else, but that's not what happened with Marcel Kittel this year is it.
Give it a rest Bri.
Luka Mezgec was doing some strategery with Marcel there. High level tactics and hand signals.
Break caught at 15.5k.
Counter attacks go. In the style of the French TAs, nothing too threatening.
Team Wiggins towards the back. Also in the style...
Okaaaaaay, all the feeds go out at 12k?????
Ok. 10k to go.
Omg Harley is there!! Christ not even being supported by his own manager. Poor Gossy. He just cannot catch a break.
He's going to One Pro next year?? Huh. See you at the Nocturne Harley!
Andy Fenn hanging around at the front.
A possible late launch of Marcus Burghardt!?!! YES PLEASE!
Oh here are some humans. Ok, like 12 people came out to see this race.
All together at the bell lap.
They are striiiiiiiinging this out.
I like Marcel Kittel but are the other 3 cameras not working?
3k to go.
So congrats Esteban Chaves. Sad face for Wout.
Wyss KILLING this on the front.
Sky now massively on this.
1.6k.
Andy, Swifty, Elia
Flamme Rouge
Peter is way at the back.
Oh no, that camera was misleading.
Swifty on the front!!!
TAKE US THERE SWIFTY
HE IS GRITTING HIS TEETH
He's off, Elia is freestyling now
Third position behind Oss
He's coming from behind Oss
DO IT
DO IT
PETER WHERE THE FUCK
OH MY FUCKING
THAT WAS MAD
Peter came from like nowhere and I thought was going to take it from Elia on the line!
YOU GO ELIA!!!!!
I mean this race is super fucking weird but WHO CARES ELIA WON HALF OF IT SO I LOVE IT.
Awwww Ben hugs Elia.
Tom Dumoulin gives him a little pat on the back.
Well that was excellent.
Sunday 11 October 2015
Sunday 4 October 2015
Swimming with Sharks
Il Lombardia:
Cycle Sport are having a lovely, if confusing, time out there.
It's not that I don't appreciate the little free pirated links I use, but it'd be good if the advertised start times were moderately adhered to. Then maybe I wouldn't have to start every race annoyed after a fight with the internet.
And it's like I kind of care about Eurometropole, but do I really?
I mean it's literally everywhere now. Even on channels that weren't even on before. It's like a Eurometropole virus has taken over my computer.
And... Women's volleyball? The hell is going on.
At least nothing is going on in the race, according to Twitter.
Ohhh what??! I WANNA SEE.
Ok this looks like some sort of highlights/wrap up on the women's volleyball.
Orrrrrrr... just a massive slo-mo segment in the middle of a match. FFS.
AND BELGIAN TED IS ATTACKING. COME ON.
I'm starting to hate Eurometropole.
Several riders have gone off the front in the Gisallo, they are Tom Jelte Slagter (Cannondale-Garmin), Michal Kwiatkowski, Zdenek Stybar, Metteo Trentin, Carlos Verona, Lukasz Wisniowski (Etixx-QuickStep), Tim Wellens (Lotto Soudal), Jon Izaguirre (Movistar), Robert Gesink, Timo Roosen (Lotto NL-Jumbo), Nizzolo (Trek Factory Racing)
Cyclingnews have helpfully pointed out that Kwiato is in his new (old) colours. Look how cool he is.
Ahahahahaha, COFIDIS. COFIDIS won that Eurometropole stage. SWITCH OVER.
Are we honestly going to interview every participant in Eurometropole before we CHANGE COVERAGE!?!
Don't lie to me BMC.
Fucking hell merciful god.
I feel like the entirety of Eurometropole was broadcast and like the last 10 minutes of Lombardia is. What is going on in the world?
Anyway, I'll get over it. 54k to go.
Magnus Backstedt has a rather English accent doesn't he?
So there's some dudes out front but we're more concerned with the chasers, who include: Michal, Geshke's Beard, TJ Butcher, and Belgian Ted among others.
Mother of christ this is what they're climbing at the moment.
Meh Geschke's Beard has been dropped and is back in the peloton.
Oh hello Dan, where are you?
ALLO MICHAL YOU LOOK IMPERIAL.
Not sure where we are, just watching people come up the climb I guess.
A Yates
HEY LEO
DAN!
PHIL
Belgian Ted and Michal at the head of the race together?
Belgian Ted slipped through a very tight spot between the motorbike and Michal, not sure if Michal's subsequent hand gesture was to indicate "chill, dude".
There's some grassy knoll style graphics going on but not sure what they're trying to highlight.
They suspect Michal wants a lead bike to indicate where the eff he's going on this foggy descent.
SAFETY FIRST MICHAL.
Astana have been chasing this whole time btw.
UGH What is THAT descent!! Belgian Ted could've easily pitched over that bridge!
Michal and Belgian Ted have 28 seconds.
40k to go
(G's wedding looked amaze, on another note)
Phillllllllll! Very quite hard climbs Phil says.
Ahahaha, he had a bit to say about people chasing WT points. Then you understand the next day when you see the papers. I LOVE PHIL AND HIS KIND FACE.
Why does Matt Stephens give a shit about resting your arms in the middle of your handlebars? He's always going on about it.
Haven't had much of an update but Michal and Belgian Ted seem to have about 36 seconds on a chasing group of about 20 riders.
Phil seems to be chasing the chase group solo.
HEY PHIL
When did he do that epic solo chase earlier this year? DO IT AGAIN PHIL.
28.5k to go.
Ah Phil's got some company. Rui Costa at least, and 2 others maybe.
Alessandro Volta, the man who gave his name to the word 'Volt' was born in Como, where we finish today.
The chase group includes TJ Butcher, WEE PETE KENNAUGH (they think), Simon Yates, George Bennett, Thibault Pinot, and other less interesting people like all of Astana and Valv.Piti.
Michal and Belgian Ted are onto the penultimate climb.
Aww TJ Butcher getting left behind.
Michal alone??!
Oh christ not for long.
Astana is pegging him back.
Awww DAMMIT Michal seems to indicate.
Meh. Back in the group he goes.
Ugh stop mentioning people I don't want to win in this group.
Nibali and Chaves peeling off the front
Moreno (sadly not Moser) brings Thibault Pinot and Valv.Piti across.
Some Skys hitch back on.
Sergio Henao going to the front?
Wout is dropped from this group. #Woutontinder
The Shark of Messina has another go at the front
There's like six dudes up here.
Chaves follows Nibali, Dani Moreno, Valv.Piti, Thibault Pinot, Nieve I think, another Astana
Pinot goes!
Nieve follows!
and an Astana follows.
Brambilla dropped from the front group.
Nieve sort of went again
Diego Rosa goes and Pinot chases
SHARK ATTACK!!
Pinot looks to see no one else is going to do the chase and GOES
Back together, six at the front: Nibali, Rosa, Chaves, Moreno, Pinot and Valv.Piti
Nieve is latching back on the back
They're over the top now and Nibali attacks again
Fucking hell he's getting away
He is taking insane risks on the descent
UGH these wheel screeches are terrible.
WOAH ok suddenly we're not at 16k but 12k.
Still a final climb to go
It's not that I don't like Nibali or don't want him to win, but...
I mean there are loads of better people aren't there?
WOAH the motorbike nearly wedged him into a wall. Fucking hell.
They're saying he has 25 seconds now.
Also someone is screwing up the descent lines for everyone but I missed who.
10k to go, onto the flat-ish now
The six behind are kinda all over the place. No one particularly wants to pull.
Oooh some further chasers now
Votre Copain Tony Gallopin is there, Brambilla is also back.
Magnus Backstedt is suggesting they threaten these remaining Astanas.
40 seconds for The Shark.
Pinot goes!
He got away but Moreno is dragging everyone back.
Cheers Moreno, bringing Valv.Piti and an Astana. You're a legend.
Moreno looks like he's gone away now
Pinot on his wheel
6.5k to go
Those two have got some air
Pinot sort of getting distanced
How much has he got left? What is the gap?
17 seconds, Moreno is coming for the Shark.
The group is 32 seconds behind
Ugh, Nibali is onto the descent.
Moreno is too now
5k
I mean they're close! Moreno at 14 seconds, Pinot at 24.
CATCH HIM.
3k.
11 seconds behind for Moreno, 22 for Pinot, 33 for whoever is back there chasing.
Well.
The GPS went insane and suddenly we're actually just at the finish.
So it's the Shark.
It's not as good as Dan winning is it?
Best placed Frenchman, and a podium at that! GO THIBAULT.
TJ Butcher came 13th.
I guess at least Valv.Piti didn't win.
Cycle Sport are having a lovely, if confusing, time out there.
It's not that I don't appreciate the little free pirated links I use, but it'd be good if the advertised start times were moderately adhered to. Then maybe I wouldn't have to start every race annoyed after a fight with the internet.
And it's like I kind of care about Eurometropole, but do I really?
I mean it's literally everywhere now. Even on channels that weren't even on before. It's like a Eurometropole virus has taken over my computer.
And... Women's volleyball? The hell is going on.
At least nothing is going on in the race, according to Twitter.
Ohhh what??! I WANNA SEE.
Ok this looks like some sort of highlights/wrap up on the women's volleyball.
Orrrrrrr... just a massive slo-mo segment in the middle of a match. FFS.
AND BELGIAN TED IS ATTACKING. COME ON.
I'm starting to hate Eurometropole.
Several riders have gone off the front in the Gisallo, they are Tom Jelte Slagter (Cannondale-Garmin), Michal Kwiatkowski, Zdenek Stybar, Metteo Trentin, Carlos Verona, Lukasz Wisniowski (Etixx-QuickStep), Tim Wellens (Lotto Soudal), Jon Izaguirre (Movistar), Robert Gesink, Timo Roosen (Lotto NL-Jumbo), Nizzolo (Trek Factory Racing)
Cyclingnews have helpfully pointed out that Kwiato is in his new (old) colours. Look how cool he is.
Ahahahahaha, COFIDIS. COFIDIS won that Eurometropole stage. SWITCH OVER.
Are we honestly going to interview every participant in Eurometropole before we CHANGE COVERAGE!?!
Don't lie to me BMC.
Fucking hell merciful god.
I feel like the entirety of Eurometropole was broadcast and like the last 10 minutes of Lombardia is. What is going on in the world?
Anyway, I'll get over it. 54k to go.
Magnus Backstedt has a rather English accent doesn't he?
So there's some dudes out front but we're more concerned with the chasers, who include: Michal, Geshke's Beard, TJ Butcher, and Belgian Ted among others.
Mother of christ this is what they're climbing at the moment.
Meh Geschke's Beard has been dropped and is back in the peloton.
Oh hello Dan, where are you?
ALLO MICHAL YOU LOOK IMPERIAL.
Not sure where we are, just watching people come up the climb I guess.
A Yates
HEY LEO
DAN!
PHIL
Belgian Ted and Michal at the head of the race together?
Belgian Ted slipped through a very tight spot between the motorbike and Michal, not sure if Michal's subsequent hand gesture was to indicate "chill, dude".
There's some grassy knoll style graphics going on but not sure what they're trying to highlight.
They suspect Michal wants a lead bike to indicate where the eff he's going on this foggy descent.
SAFETY FIRST MICHAL.
Astana have been chasing this whole time btw.
UGH What is THAT descent!! Belgian Ted could've easily pitched over that bridge!
Michal and Belgian Ted have 28 seconds.
40k to go
(G's wedding looked amaze, on another note)
Phillllllllll! Very quite hard climbs Phil says.
Ahahaha, he had a bit to say about people chasing WT points. Then you understand the next day when you see the papers. I LOVE PHIL AND HIS KIND FACE.
Why does Matt Stephens give a shit about resting your arms in the middle of your handlebars? He's always going on about it.
Haven't had much of an update but Michal and Belgian Ted seem to have about 36 seconds on a chasing group of about 20 riders.
Phil seems to be chasing the chase group solo.
HEY PHIL
When did he do that epic solo chase earlier this year? DO IT AGAIN PHIL.
28.5k to go.
Ah Phil's got some company. Rui Costa at least, and 2 others maybe.
Alessandro Volta, the man who gave his name to the word 'Volt' was born in Como, where we finish today.
The chase group includes TJ Butcher, WEE PETE KENNAUGH (they think), Simon Yates, George Bennett, Thibault Pinot, and other less interesting people like all of Astana and Valv.Piti.
Michal and Belgian Ted are onto the penultimate climb.
Aww TJ Butcher getting left behind.
Michal alone??!
Oh christ not for long.
Astana is pegging him back.
Awww DAMMIT Michal seems to indicate.
Meh. Back in the group he goes.
Ugh stop mentioning people I don't want to win in this group.
Nibali and Chaves peeling off the front
Moreno (sadly not Moser) brings Thibault Pinot and Valv.Piti across.
Some Skys hitch back on.
Sergio Henao going to the front?
Wout is dropped from this group. #Woutontinder
The Shark of Messina has another go at the front
There's like six dudes up here.
Chaves follows Nibali, Dani Moreno, Valv.Piti, Thibault Pinot, Nieve I think, another Astana
Pinot goes!
Nieve follows!
and an Astana follows.
Brambilla dropped from the front group.
Nieve sort of went again
Diego Rosa goes and Pinot chases
SHARK ATTACK!!
Pinot looks to see no one else is going to do the chase and GOES
Back together, six at the front: Nibali, Rosa, Chaves, Moreno, Pinot and Valv.Piti
Nieve is latching back on the back
They're over the top now and Nibali attacks again
Fucking hell he's getting away
He is taking insane risks on the descent
UGH these wheel screeches are terrible.
WOAH ok suddenly we're not at 16k but 12k.
Still a final climb to go
It's not that I don't like Nibali or don't want him to win, but...
I mean there are loads of better people aren't there?
WOAH the motorbike nearly wedged him into a wall. Fucking hell.
They're saying he has 25 seconds now.
Also someone is screwing up the descent lines for everyone but I missed who.
10k to go, onto the flat-ish now
The six behind are kinda all over the place. No one particularly wants to pull.
Oooh some further chasers now
Votre Copain Tony Gallopin is there, Brambilla is also back.
Magnus Backstedt is suggesting they threaten these remaining Astanas.
40 seconds for The Shark.
Pinot goes!
He got away but Moreno is dragging everyone back.
Cheers Moreno, bringing Valv.Piti and an Astana. You're a legend.
Moreno looks like he's gone away now
Pinot on his wheel
6.5k to go
Those two have got some air
Pinot sort of getting distanced
How much has he got left? What is the gap?
17 seconds, Moreno is coming for the Shark.
The group is 32 seconds behind
Ugh, Nibali is onto the descent.
Moreno is too now
5k
I mean they're close! Moreno at 14 seconds, Pinot at 24.
CATCH HIM.
3k.
11 seconds behind for Moreno, 22 for Pinot, 33 for whoever is back there chasing.
Well.
The GPS went insane and suddenly we're actually just at the finish.
So it's the Shark.
It's not as good as Dan winning is it?
Best placed Frenchman, and a podium at that! GO THIBAULT.
TJ Butcher came 13th.
I guess at least Valv.Piti didn't win.
Sunday 27 September 2015
EVERY DAY IS A PETER SAGAN DAY
World Road Race Championship, Richmond:
This most excellent picture has been making the rounds.
Then of course you've got this number.
I mean really, everyone out in their national kits, though at times confusing, is excellent.
Well today, possibly more than any other day, our hearts are pulled many different directions, but...
One thing's for sure.
Okaaaaaaaay, my heart exploded. What a lovely man.
And another. TOO CUTE.
I wish there was a Worlds Extra with Juan Antonio and Ashley. Watching highlights of the... car racing of some kind? isn't quite the same build up.
Nice one. I'd buy what they're selling.
Could we not have a Periscope sign-on or something?
Just got Ted killing us and reminding us about parties we can't go to.
I CAN'T WAIT.
... Every day is a Peter Sagan day?
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE I want everyone to win!!
Cool. This is bullshit. Geo-restriction is such a bitch.
I mean why should ANY OTHER SPORT BE ALLOWED to be broadcast right now?!! NO ONE CARES.
OMFG tell us about growing up in Manchester playing on the grass, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?!
Managed to get the U23s and the Women on but CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS??
Legit now listening to some dude in his basement commentating on this.
But he's got a feed, soooo.
The original, slightly dull break has been joined by Representative of the International King Dynasty Ben King. BEN LOVES A LONG BREAK.
The Dutch are swarming already at the front.
ALLO GESCHKE'S BEARD.
Haiiiiii Kwiato!!
And a few indeterminate USAs.
Must be Lawson Craddock or something.
I mean actually this guy is better than a lot of 'professional' commentators.
"Go get your snacks. I'm hyped!"
Plus he's discussing the Elmiger Conundrum/Stybar Phenomenon, in which Vakoc would attack in the Czech champs jersey and everyone thought it was Styby.
Ben's pulling a bit solo...
I think he was just asserting his dominance on Libby Hill.
Ughhhh are people still arguing about power meters?? Get over it. We're not going back to wool jerseys and headbands.
TAYLOR.
Geschke's Beard near the front.
Man the peloton is about 4 and a half minutes back but it seems like aaaaaaaaages when they come through the finish line.
Feedzone not really a feedzone at the minute. Latvia just emphatically shouting hey at their dudes as they pass.
Somebody needs to do a study about colour association in the pro peloton. I CAN'T EVEN SEE people when I'm looking right at them cuz of these kits.
Presumably Eurosport isn't actually even showing this? I left it an extra hour. Still tennis.
The Dutch have mostly come off the front here. Just Jos Van Emden holding strong.
Possibly a few Germans behind him.
Spain is massing back there too.
Oh Jos has some buddies again.
SHOW US THIS! Adorable.
Ben loves leading on Libby Hill.
Belgium showing some face at the front.
I've sort of turned on this commentator now.
Mostly because he's not commentating. He's just responding to tweets on air. Which isn't exactly what I was looking for.
T-PHIN! What's happening?!!
Maybe he was just weeing. Like this other dude back here.
Is he having a problem??
I can't tell if it's neutral service or a team car. It's not emblazoned with eagles and stars and stripes so unclear.
He seems to be indicating issues with his bike though.
This dude's trying to get me back on side: "Don't we all just love-- I love Taylor Phinney!"
ALEX.
Thank you for wearing your garish helmet for easy spotting!
GB's keeping quiet so far.
TAYLOR WHAT IS HAPPENING?!!!?
He's having real issues with his bike here.
Why can't this be resolved!!? I'm so stressed.
Oh he's not far behind actually.
Chill out, me.
But can we just get him a new bike please!?
Gesink hopping off in the feed zone with some sort of bike issue too.
They seem to be duct taping his saddle??
OH CRASH. A Costa Rica is down.
What is going on? This is like The Curse of Lap 13.
More bike problems, for... Serbia?
Oh is it the dude from the break? Bad luck.
Well it was a bitch of a chase but he caught back up.
OMG another crash.
Germany! No!
GB was getting held up too, but upright.
It would bore me loads if Kristoff won.
Everyone racing for the base of the climb. Good lord.
NIGHTMARE BELGIUM!!!!
COKEY TOM!
Everyone's out of the car sorting him out.
Ok he's off again it's all good.
I think he just attempted to fistfight a car. I know who my money's on.
Ok he caught back on.
Someone on the Belgium team having a little laugh there mid-pack.
Poland representing at the front. Behind the Dutch, obviously.
Taylor. What is happening. He's done at least two laps back at the car here.
Ok it's happening now.
He glanced at the bike on the roof and is on to a new one.
I think I'm in love.
IN LOVE.
What is even going on here?
THE AWESOMEST TEAM. GO EVERYONE!
Jesse Sergent being cut out of his base layers for some reason...
Germany taking to the front of the peloton now.
I love this giant BEN KING blanket on the curve of the Libby Hill climb.
I would just fucking die (in a good way) if John Degenkolb won.
Hey Stevo! I see you in there!
Tony! Hi Tony!
Geschke's Beard chatting to Christian Knees up at the front.
The Gorilla spotted up there.
GB are chilling exclusively near the back.
Ugh Gerrans would be another snoozer of a winner.
It's too bad Carlton Kirby is such a fucking idiot.
Are people legally required to refer to Connor Dunne with the words: 'the tall, rangy figure'?
Fucking hell. Tell me more about this dual passports while you're at it.
TELL US ABOUT IT AXEL.
Mimosas hittin' hard are they? MAYBE IF WE WISH ENOUGH IT WILL COME TRUE.
Fuuuuuuuucking hell does Carlton Kirby have a thought processing issue?? like for real?
It's 'Libby Hill' isn't it?? Matt Stephens keeps calling it 'Libby's Hill'. Did I miss a memo?
Belgium putting some bodies near the front.
Poland too. The French, for the first time.
HEY TAYLOR. Good to see you in the pack.
Please stay there.
GO STYBY.
Good lord but this race is long.
Luke?? Where's Luke?
Oh hey Luke!
Ian has got to be the most recognisable rider the peloton. No one else has those shoulders.
This feedzone is awfully narrow. And full of shit that could trip you up. Christ.
Uran Uran would be another snoozer.
Just quicker to note who I wouldn't care to see win than the other way around.
HEY STEVE.
That's a good camera angle, wherever that is. Several others aren't very illuminating.
You'd think Ben King was going for the King of the Mountains here. He has taken the climb from the front every single time.
Why would you want the race to be shorter?? It's so brutal and awesome.
What's happening back here?? I see an American shoe coming unclipped back there.
TAYLOR IS HAVING MORE PROBLEMS
I don't know if this Canadian dude was throwing him off or what.
He got going again but like what the hell.
I mean that's awesome. USA! USA!
Hey Ian's giant shoulders.
WOAH that gap is DOWN. 1.20 now.
Ok LMNH let's not clog the twitter feed with randos' stupid predictions.
Fucking KIDOLOGY again. JUST SAY BLUFFING YOU MASSIVE BLOWHARD.
Getting quite a lot of picture break up all of a sudden.
The break possibly contemplating their future...
Or maybe that one dude was just looking for Ben King.
Kiry is also very recognisable.
K how bout instead of debating the definition of rocky road and droning on with inconsequential family stories you just tell us who is on the front of this group?
GERMANY. They are taking this climb by the balls.
Alex!
Ohh Ukraine being distanced from the breakaway now.
All getting a bit messy and pushy here mid-back of the peloton.
Yul-ian? He's not Spanish ffs.
Rafal Majka up front there.
Peloton regrouping after the feed.
Chad loves to throw shade!!
The Dutch talking charge again.
They are STRINGING THIS OUT
Oop glimpse of Andy Fenn there.
Sometimes they are so bad at commentating I could literally scream.
They should trial some of the Goggleboxers. I'd watch that for sure.
What team is this predominantly red with a navy stripe?
Bling there
Matteo!
Andy again.
USA coming to the front.
HEY TAYLOR
SITTING ON IAN'S WHEEL
DYLAN
KEEP THIS CAMERA ON THIS IS AMAZING.
Oh shit crash at the back. OH MAN did he hit that bridge underpass??
OOH the group is not far behind
Belgium leading up the climb with Geshke's Beard in second position.
And a giant Peter Sagan head being waved in the crowd.
Is Stijn Vandenbergh here? Must be him leading on the front, like the enormous giant man that he is.
They caught that Ukrainian who I assumed they'd caught ages ago.
Hard going up this climb.
Iljooooooooooo!
Moderate attacking here?
Or is Ben King going for imaginary sprint points as well?
Is this Costa Rican they're showing the dude who crashed?
Oh no. Never mind. He and that other dude out there in the distance are breakaways about to be swept up by the peloton.
Not before the other one gives a bizarre victory salute??
The hell is going on.
Who is this dude?
Spain, Poland, some of Belgium, and what I'm hazarding a guess is Norway en masse in front.
Oh has he given up then? Who are you?? Anyway whoever he is got off in the feedzone and hugged someone.
Ooooh it's the Serbian dude from the break. Anyway. Weird.
Netherlands pushing the pace again. Seems like Valverde behind, with Poland and a bit of GB for the first time.
Matteo having an intense chat with the team car.
IAN
ALEX
Ok considering he's ridden on the front of literally this entire race, let's not disrespect the man by calling him "Josh" Van Emden.
Snacktime for Ben in the break. A flapjack of some sort perhaps.
Tony, Alex, Ian.
Really obnoxious picture break up but getting some frozen glimpses of Ian and Alex quite a bit.
Ben is trying to captain the breakaway ship.
LE CROW
Problem for Tony??
New bike, he's going again.
Thank you for confirming four hours later that that is Norway. Ace commentating.
Stevo still on the back here.
Gap at 32 seconds.
100k still to go.
Belgium are everywhere. They have dudes all over this group.
TAYLOR
Who's this Canadian dude with the beard?
Oooh mess here, a crash.
Oh no an Italian!
Oss nooooooo!
Hard to figure out what the eff is going on with all this picture break but gaps are forming in this group.
Well we know Johnny D and Swifty are together, based on the finish line board.
Fans of other sports will never understand.
I don't know what group we're looking at here.
Unsurprisingly, the Dutch are at the front and pushing it. That's about all that can be confirmed.
Ok good the two front groups came together so that's somewhat less confusing.
Germany and Alex on their wheel are chasing behind.
Ohhh bummer Oss is out.
I think maybe everyone came back together now. Breakaway included.
Alexxxxxxxxx
What are you up to?
He had a little go there but back in the group.
Ohhh Jos has ridden himself into the ground and dropped out. WELL DONE JOS.
Belgium taking control now.
ILJO
Look at him, so so smooth. Am I commentating?
Greg VanAv with Tony on his wheel up this climb.
Ok I don't want it to rain cuz I don't want people to get hurt, but give us a reason for this picture breakup! It's like scenes from The Conjuring out here.
Belgium powering up the climb.
Taylor thrashing up the climb.
Belgium checking back as they crest the hill, making sure they got all their dudes.
Oh? Who are you and what are you up to?
There seems to be a solo Dutch dude out front, about to be caught. Where did he come from?
Australia now making their presence known.
Slightly. I mean, like one guy.
Oh apparently that was Gesink who made an attack that was missed out in all the picture break up. Anyway he's back again so..
Maybe if they'd let Michal bring his drones we wouldn't be having these problems.
Kosta, Guillaume Boivin and another dude have gotten away.
USA on the horizon
IT'S TAYLOR OF COURSE IT IS
HI TAYLOR YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN
Expect a movie about his life.
All of Germany at the front.
Belgium there, and Poland
BEAUTIFUL.
GB moving up to hang with Germany.
Someone attacking off the front of the peloton now
Don't know who it is but it's someone without teammates/countrymen.
Yikes I thought Taylor had a bit of a Tyler going on there but it was just his jersey flapping.
OMFG Taylor leading up Libby Hill is like the most beautiful image of America. Like it should be our new flag.
Sep is trying to get away!
Oh Sep is so often on the losing end!
I swear if he punctures at a race-winning moment this time he should probably just give up on professional bike racing.
Oh my god Stannard is chasing him. I mean, the man has no luck.
LOOK AT HIM!!!! Embrace the new flag!!!
THIS PICTURE BREAKUP IS UNACCEPTABLE. Seriously WHAT THE FUCK.
Oh Geshke and Ian were out in a little group apparently but we missed that and now they're back in the peloton.
Alright Richmond, don't be a bunch of dicks.
Also somehow suddenly the Cyclinghub feed has been subsumed by the Eurosport feed and goes to commercials now??? CAN I LIVE.
Taylor stretching his knee.
60k left.
The break has a minute 47 apparently. THANK YOU TWITTER.
Oh shit another crash!
UGH a Polish rider went into the hedges HARD.
THAT FEEDZONE HAS BEEN LOOKING TREACHEROUS ALL DAY.
Not clear who was involved really. Daryl Impey they said, and Lars Bak. Spain was on the floor in some capacity.
KOEN KNOWS.
BELGIUM. Doing something. Looks like that dude out in Denmark or wherever got the pirate feed back up while Eurosport is on commercial break.
Cyclingnews is reporting that a lot of lovely people were held up with that crash and are 15 seconds behind, so let's hope that sorts itself out.
WOAH what Aussie just came unclipped??
This fucking feed!!!!
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN BUT YES AXEL
I feel insane what if he wins they'll have to shut the city down.
Spain is doing a bunch of stuff I think
30 seconds apparently for Taylor Phinney and apparently it's raining?
40k to go. Maybe. I mean maybe it froze so long the race is actually over and I don't realise it.
Entirely new team here at the front of the peloton. Denmark?
GB TAKING IT ON NOW
OMG too adorable.
Hard to tell if people are attacking on the climb or just riding it.
Well I guess all this shitty feed bullshit saved me from seeing Taylor being caught, which apparently he was.
OH T.
2 laps to go and Bauke Ian Tom possibly, KWIATO?!
An Italian, a Spaniard
Germany is chasing behind.
THE ITALIAN IS VIVIANI
There are a few others but away we have COKEY TOM, IAN STANNARD, KWIATO, ELIA, BAUKE.
26 seconds they have
30k
I'm gonna call these guys The Engine Room.
33 seconds at the next count
USA has joined in the chase behind
Also what looks like Italy but must be someone else
The Gorilla is doing all this chasing
He's let Ben King do a bit now
Bling is up there too
For reals. Tim and I are in mind meld today.
DON'T LET ME DREAM!!!!!!!
I think that is Italy but I think they're just staying close to the front for safety.
Belgium is doing the same on the other side.
23 seconds and 23k, Germany is still basically the only team chasing
I can't deal with these close ups of Cokey Tom. He is SUCH A DUDE.
Ohhh the Netherlands.
Perhaps it's time for Niki's attack!!
Oh hey Tom! (Dumoulin this time). Haven't seen you about much!
UGGGGGH These long straight American boulevards are SO HARSH when you see the peloton chasing!
COKEY TOM TAKES US UP LIBBY HILL
Under 20k
What's this??
The Engine Room has been joined by some passengers.
Elia looks like he's gonna vom.
In fact, everyone looks like they gonna vom.
The Gorilla and a German companion are dying on Libby Hill.
Greg VanAv now pulls the expanded Engine Room, which is like 20 people.
Looks like it's coming back together anyhow.
Well that was momentarily thrilling.
Matteo Trentin is a the front and the Netherlands is PUSHING ON AGAIN
Belgium is getting in the mix
BELL LAP
That bell ringer is way too chill. I mean I know she's a professional but I'd be like screaming and weeping and banging that bell.
Dumoulin talking to someone and taking to the front
TOM IS NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOU
DO SOME WORK. He shakes his head.
DON'T YOU LAMPRE THIS, LAMPRE
Olivera was trying to go solo but some others have hitched on now
They're not far ahead but there's a Belgian there. Cuz Belgium is always there.
Ahhh it was Tiesj Benoot! But they're caught now.
Italy massing at the front.
Australia too
11k to go
Attack by Belarus
And AMERICA FOLLOWS
USA burying himself. I think it's Tyler given that riding style.
Ah yes his man bun sticks up when he puts his head down
Well I thought it was futile given the camera angles but they're getting a little away. Under 10k.
It would be utterly hysterical to me if Tyler Farrar won this.
Oh it's Kosta!
I mean it's totally preposterous and not worth entertaining but I wouldn't mind if Tyler won, cuz he was really good friends with Wouter Weylandt.
Well 6k and they've got 8 seconds.
Peak hipster.
Nah Italy's got these guys.
Italy swarms from one side and Belgium from the other. Terrifying.
Tyler really doesn't want to give up.
But give up Ty, it's over.
IT IS A MESS UP HERE
4k
LIBBY HILL
I DON'T KNOW WHAT COUNTRY THIS IS
Germany is following and then Belgium
OH MY GOD OF COURSE IT'S STYBAR
AND JOHN OF COURSE AND GREG I DUNNO MAYBE
NIKIIIIIIIIIIII
GO SOLO NIKI NOW IS THE TIME
I'M SERIOUSLY GONNA VOMIT
3k
What Belgian are you??
PETER OF COURSE YOU'RE THERE!!!
He's supertuck descending on what doesn't even look like a descent!!
PETER LEADS AT 2k!!!
I DONT KNOW WHO'S CHASING I DONT KNOW IF I WANT THEM TO CATCH HIM
HE'S AT THE FLAMME!!!!!!!!
He's got such a gap can he hold it!!?!!?!
THEY'RE COMING FOR HIM
BELGIUM SPECIFICALLY
HE IS A BEAST MAN
HE'S GONNA DO IT I THINK
THEY CAN'T GET TO HIM CAN THEY?!!?!?
PETERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
He hops off the bike and throws his arms into the air and high fives Cokey Tom and hugs Styby
And throws his helmet into the crowd
They're like physically prying him and his girlfriend apart.
Ahh well done Bling for second!
(And therefore by proxy, GO ADAM!)
Oh my god this Eritrean guy is being carried on the shoulders of all these fans. This is mental.
What amazingness is Peter going to gift us with in this post-race chat?
I think he's trying to make a statement on the refugee crisis. I mean it is deeply unclear, but... I dunno... PETER SAGAN FOR PRESIDENT.
I had my brother with me, Juraj.
I think he also said he was 'in the crazy'.
I just eat, eat all the gels what I have.
I did just one attack, and I think it was the right attack.
His final comment was basically like IN YOUR FACE HATERS. I see what you say about me on the internet and I'VE GOT RAINBOWS BITCH.
OH PETER!
Oh he's got a giant flag!
WEAR THAT RAINBOW PETER!
Bling is gesturing that the flag is just over to the left.
Odd little anthem, that. It's sort of dark and dramatic and then ends on a jig.
Obviously had to freeze that one last time when there are no doubt excellent podium antics going on.
BUT YOU CAN'T BRING ME DOWN.
This is like an image off the Pope's US tour.
Did I ever. Taylor's time is coming, just you wait.
Oh my god, beautiful. That was one of the greatest things ever.
Johnny D wins the Male Modelling With Pippo Pozzato Award NO CONTEST.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!
Meanwhile, have you seen my belt? I can't find her anywhere.
OMFG I didn't think it could get better.
This is amazing.
Ohhhhhhhhh Return of the Vengabus!!!!! JEALS.
Or maybe a quiet night in.
Fucking BEST EVER. I dunno which is better: him completely pitching over or that teammate's massive gold hoop earring?
This most excellent picture has been making the rounds.
Then of course you've got this number.
I mean really, everyone out in their national kits, though at times confusing, is excellent.
Well today, possibly more than any other day, our hearts are pulled many different directions, but...
One thing's for sure.
Okaaaaaaaay, my heart exploded. What a lovely man.
And another. TOO CUTE.
I wish there was a Worlds Extra with Juan Antonio and Ashley. Watching highlights of the... car racing of some kind? isn't quite the same build up.
Nice one. I'd buy what they're selling.
Could we not have a Periscope sign-on or something?
Just got Ted killing us and reminding us about parties we can't go to.
I CAN'T WAIT.
... Every day is a Peter Sagan day?
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE I want everyone to win!!
Cool. This is bullshit. Geo-restriction is such a bitch.
I mean why should ANY OTHER SPORT BE ALLOWED to be broadcast right now?!! NO ONE CARES.
OMFG tell us about growing up in Manchester playing on the grass, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?!
Managed to get the U23s and the Women on but CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS??
Legit now listening to some dude in his basement commentating on this.
But he's got a feed, soooo.
The original, slightly dull break has been joined by Representative of the International King Dynasty Ben King. BEN LOVES A LONG BREAK.
The Dutch are swarming already at the front.
ALLO GESCHKE'S BEARD.
Haiiiiii Kwiato!!
And a few indeterminate USAs.
Must be Lawson Craddock or something.
I mean actually this guy is better than a lot of 'professional' commentators.
"Go get your snacks. I'm hyped!"
Plus he's discussing the Elmiger Conundrum/Stybar Phenomenon, in which Vakoc would attack in the Czech champs jersey and everyone thought it was Styby.
Ben's pulling a bit solo...
I think he was just asserting his dominance on Libby Hill.
Ughhhh are people still arguing about power meters?? Get over it. We're not going back to wool jerseys and headbands.
TAYLOR.
Geschke's Beard near the front.
Man the peloton is about 4 and a half minutes back but it seems like aaaaaaaaages when they come through the finish line.
Feedzone not really a feedzone at the minute. Latvia just emphatically shouting hey at their dudes as they pass.
Somebody needs to do a study about colour association in the pro peloton. I CAN'T EVEN SEE people when I'm looking right at them cuz of these kits.
Presumably Eurosport isn't actually even showing this? I left it an extra hour. Still tennis.
The Dutch have mostly come off the front here. Just Jos Van Emden holding strong.
Possibly a few Germans behind him.
Spain is massing back there too.
Oh Jos has some buddies again.
SHOW US THIS! Adorable.
Ben loves leading on Libby Hill.
Belgium showing some face at the front.
I've sort of turned on this commentator now.
Mostly because he's not commentating. He's just responding to tweets on air. Which isn't exactly what I was looking for.
T-PHIN! What's happening?!!
Maybe he was just weeing. Like this other dude back here.
Is he having a problem??
I can't tell if it's neutral service or a team car. It's not emblazoned with eagles and stars and stripes so unclear.
He seems to be indicating issues with his bike though.
This dude's trying to get me back on side: "Don't we all just love-- I love Taylor Phinney!"
ALEX.
Thank you for wearing your garish helmet for easy spotting!
GB's keeping quiet so far.
TAYLOR WHAT IS HAPPENING?!!!?
He's having real issues with his bike here.
Why can't this be resolved!!? I'm so stressed.
Oh he's not far behind actually.
Chill out, me.
But can we just get him a new bike please!?
Gesink hopping off in the feed zone with some sort of bike issue too.
They seem to be duct taping his saddle??
OH CRASH. A Costa Rica is down.
What is going on? This is like The Curse of Lap 13.
More bike problems, for... Serbia?
Oh is it the dude from the break? Bad luck.
Well it was a bitch of a chase but he caught back up.
OMG another crash.
Germany! No!
GB was getting held up too, but upright.
It would bore me loads if Kristoff won.
Everyone racing for the base of the climb. Good lord.
NIGHTMARE BELGIUM!!!!
COKEY TOM!
Everyone's out of the car sorting him out.
Ok he's off again it's all good.
I think he just attempted to fistfight a car. I know who my money's on.
Ok he caught back on.
Someone on the Belgium team having a little laugh there mid-pack.
Poland representing at the front. Behind the Dutch, obviously.
Taylor. What is happening. He's done at least two laps back at the car here.
Ok it's happening now.
He glanced at the bike on the roof and is on to a new one.
I think I'm in love.
IN LOVE.
What is even going on here?
THE AWESOMEST TEAM. GO EVERYONE!
Jesse Sergent being cut out of his base layers for some reason...
Germany taking to the front of the peloton now.
I love this giant BEN KING blanket on the curve of the Libby Hill climb.
I would just fucking die (in a good way) if John Degenkolb won.
Hey Stevo! I see you in there!
Tony! Hi Tony!
Geschke's Beard chatting to Christian Knees up at the front.
The Gorilla spotted up there.
GB are chilling exclusively near the back.
Ugh Gerrans would be another snoozer of a winner.
It's too bad Carlton Kirby is such a fucking idiot.
Are people legally required to refer to Connor Dunne with the words: 'the tall, rangy figure'?
Fucking hell. Tell me more about this dual passports while you're at it.
TELL US ABOUT IT AXEL.
Mimosas hittin' hard are they? MAYBE IF WE WISH ENOUGH IT WILL COME TRUE.
Fuuuuuuuucking hell does Carlton Kirby have a thought processing issue?? like for real?
It's 'Libby Hill' isn't it?? Matt Stephens keeps calling it 'Libby's Hill'. Did I miss a memo?
Belgium putting some bodies near the front.
Poland too. The French, for the first time.
HEY TAYLOR. Good to see you in the pack.
Please stay there.
GO STYBY.
Good lord but this race is long.
Luke?? Where's Luke?
Oh hey Luke!
Ian has got to be the most recognisable rider the peloton. No one else has those shoulders.
This feedzone is awfully narrow. And full of shit that could trip you up. Christ.
Uran Uran would be another snoozer.
Just quicker to note who I wouldn't care to see win than the other way around.
HEY STEVE.
That's a good camera angle, wherever that is. Several others aren't very illuminating.
You'd think Ben King was going for the King of the Mountains here. He has taken the climb from the front every single time.
Why would you want the race to be shorter?? It's so brutal and awesome.
What's happening back here?? I see an American shoe coming unclipped back there.
TAYLOR IS HAVING MORE PROBLEMS
I don't know if this Canadian dude was throwing him off or what.
He got going again but like what the hell.
I mean that's awesome. USA! USA!
Hey Ian's giant shoulders.
WOAH that gap is DOWN. 1.20 now.
Ok LMNH let's not clog the twitter feed with randos' stupid predictions.
Fucking KIDOLOGY again. JUST SAY BLUFFING YOU MASSIVE BLOWHARD.
Getting quite a lot of picture break up all of a sudden.
The break possibly contemplating their future...
Or maybe that one dude was just looking for Ben King.
Kiry is also very recognisable.
K how bout instead of debating the definition of rocky road and droning on with inconsequential family stories you just tell us who is on the front of this group?
GERMANY. They are taking this climb by the balls.
Alex!
Ohh Ukraine being distanced from the breakaway now.
All getting a bit messy and pushy here mid-back of the peloton.
Yul-ian? He's not Spanish ffs.
Rafal Majka up front there.
Peloton regrouping after the feed.
Chad loves to throw shade!!
The Dutch talking charge again.
They are STRINGING THIS OUT
Oop glimpse of Andy Fenn there.
Sometimes they are so bad at commentating I could literally scream.
They should trial some of the Goggleboxers. I'd watch that for sure.
What team is this predominantly red with a navy stripe?
Bling there
Matteo!
Andy again.
USA coming to the front.
HEY TAYLOR
SITTING ON IAN'S WHEEL
DYLAN
KEEP THIS CAMERA ON THIS IS AMAZING.
Oh shit crash at the back. OH MAN did he hit that bridge underpass??
OOH the group is not far behind
Belgium leading up the climb with Geshke's Beard in second position.
And a giant Peter Sagan head being waved in the crowd.
Is Stijn Vandenbergh here? Must be him leading on the front, like the enormous giant man that he is.
They caught that Ukrainian who I assumed they'd caught ages ago.
Hard going up this climb.
Iljooooooooooo!
Moderate attacking here?
Or is Ben King going for imaginary sprint points as well?
Is this Costa Rican they're showing the dude who crashed?
Oh no. Never mind. He and that other dude out there in the distance are breakaways about to be swept up by the peloton.
Not before the other one gives a bizarre victory salute??
The hell is going on.
Who is this dude?
Spain, Poland, some of Belgium, and what I'm hazarding a guess is Norway en masse in front.
Oh has he given up then? Who are you?? Anyway whoever he is got off in the feedzone and hugged someone.
Ooooh it's the Serbian dude from the break. Anyway. Weird.
Netherlands pushing the pace again. Seems like Valverde behind, with Poland and a bit of GB for the first time.
Matteo having an intense chat with the team car.
IAN
ALEX
Ok considering he's ridden on the front of literally this entire race, let's not disrespect the man by calling him "Josh" Van Emden.
Snacktime for Ben in the break. A flapjack of some sort perhaps.
Tony, Alex, Ian.
Really obnoxious picture break up but getting some frozen glimpses of Ian and Alex quite a bit.
Ben is trying to captain the breakaway ship.
LE CROW
Problem for Tony??
New bike, he's going again.
Thank you for confirming four hours later that that is Norway. Ace commentating.
Stevo still on the back here.
Gap at 32 seconds.
100k still to go.
Belgium are everywhere. They have dudes all over this group.
TAYLOR
Who's this Canadian dude with the beard?
Oooh mess here, a crash.
Oh no an Italian!
Oss nooooooo!
Hard to figure out what the eff is going on with all this picture break but gaps are forming in this group.
Well we know Johnny D and Swifty are together, based on the finish line board.
Fans of other sports will never understand.
I don't know what group we're looking at here.
Unsurprisingly, the Dutch are at the front and pushing it. That's about all that can be confirmed.
Ok good the two front groups came together so that's somewhat less confusing.
Germany and Alex on their wheel are chasing behind.
Ohhh bummer Oss is out.
I think maybe everyone came back together now. Breakaway included.
Alexxxxxxxxx
What are you up to?
He had a little go there but back in the group.
Ohhh Jos has ridden himself into the ground and dropped out. WELL DONE JOS.
Belgium taking control now.
ILJO
Look at him, so so smooth. Am I commentating?
Greg VanAv with Tony on his wheel up this climb.
Ok I don't want it to rain cuz I don't want people to get hurt, but give us a reason for this picture breakup! It's like scenes from The Conjuring out here.
Belgium powering up the climb.
Taylor thrashing up the climb.
Belgium checking back as they crest the hill, making sure they got all their dudes.
Oh? Who are you and what are you up to?
There seems to be a solo Dutch dude out front, about to be caught. Where did he come from?
Australia now making their presence known.
Slightly. I mean, like one guy.
Oh apparently that was Gesink who made an attack that was missed out in all the picture break up. Anyway he's back again so..
Maybe if they'd let Michal bring his drones we wouldn't be having these problems.
Kosta, Guillaume Boivin and another dude have gotten away.
USA on the horizon
IT'S TAYLOR OF COURSE IT IS
HI TAYLOR YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN
Expect a movie about his life.
All of Germany at the front.
Belgium there, and Poland
BEAUTIFUL.
GB moving up to hang with Germany.
Someone attacking off the front of the peloton now
Don't know who it is but it's someone without teammates/countrymen.
Yikes I thought Taylor had a bit of a Tyler going on there but it was just his jersey flapping.
OMFG Taylor leading up Libby Hill is like the most beautiful image of America. Like it should be our new flag.
Sep is trying to get away!
Oh Sep is so often on the losing end!
I swear if he punctures at a race-winning moment this time he should probably just give up on professional bike racing.
Oh my god Stannard is chasing him. I mean, the man has no luck.
LOOK AT HIM!!!! Embrace the new flag!!!
THIS PICTURE BREAKUP IS UNACCEPTABLE. Seriously WHAT THE FUCK.
Oh Geshke and Ian were out in a little group apparently but we missed that and now they're back in the peloton.
Alright Richmond, don't be a bunch of dicks.
Also somehow suddenly the Cyclinghub feed has been subsumed by the Eurosport feed and goes to commercials now??? CAN I LIVE.
Taylor stretching his knee.
60k left.
The break has a minute 47 apparently. THANK YOU TWITTER.
Oh shit another crash!
UGH a Polish rider went into the hedges HARD.
THAT FEEDZONE HAS BEEN LOOKING TREACHEROUS ALL DAY.
Not clear who was involved really. Daryl Impey they said, and Lars Bak. Spain was on the floor in some capacity.
KOEN KNOWS.
BELGIUM. Doing something. Looks like that dude out in Denmark or wherever got the pirate feed back up while Eurosport is on commercial break.
Cyclingnews is reporting that a lot of lovely people were held up with that crash and are 15 seconds behind, so let's hope that sorts itself out.
WOAH what Aussie just came unclipped??
This fucking feed!!!!
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN BUT YES AXEL
I feel insane what if he wins they'll have to shut the city down.
Spain is doing a bunch of stuff I think
30 seconds apparently for Taylor Phinney and apparently it's raining?
40k to go. Maybe. I mean maybe it froze so long the race is actually over and I don't realise it.
Entirely new team here at the front of the peloton. Denmark?
GB TAKING IT ON NOW
OMG too adorable.
Hard to tell if people are attacking on the climb or just riding it.
Well I guess all this shitty feed bullshit saved me from seeing Taylor being caught, which apparently he was.
OH T.
2 laps to go and Bauke Ian Tom possibly, KWIATO?!
An Italian, a Spaniard
Germany is chasing behind.
THE ITALIAN IS VIVIANI
There are a few others but away we have COKEY TOM, IAN STANNARD, KWIATO, ELIA, BAUKE.
26 seconds they have
30k
I'm gonna call these guys The Engine Room.
33 seconds at the next count
USA has joined in the chase behind
Also what looks like Italy but must be someone else
The Gorilla is doing all this chasing
He's let Ben King do a bit now
Bling is up there too
For reals. Tim and I are in mind meld today.
DON'T LET ME DREAM!!!!!!!
I think that is Italy but I think they're just staying close to the front for safety.
Belgium is doing the same on the other side.
23 seconds and 23k, Germany is still basically the only team chasing
I can't deal with these close ups of Cokey Tom. He is SUCH A DUDE.
Ohhh the Netherlands.
Perhaps it's time for Niki's attack!!
Oh hey Tom! (Dumoulin this time). Haven't seen you about much!
UGGGGGH These long straight American boulevards are SO HARSH when you see the peloton chasing!
COKEY TOM TAKES US UP LIBBY HILL
Under 20k
What's this??
The Engine Room has been joined by some passengers.
Elia looks like he's gonna vom.
In fact, everyone looks like they gonna vom.
The Gorilla and a German companion are dying on Libby Hill.
Greg VanAv now pulls the expanded Engine Room, which is like 20 people.
Looks like it's coming back together anyhow.
Well that was momentarily thrilling.
Matteo Trentin is a the front and the Netherlands is PUSHING ON AGAIN
Belgium is getting in the mix
BELL LAP
That bell ringer is way too chill. I mean I know she's a professional but I'd be like screaming and weeping and banging that bell.
Dumoulin talking to someone and taking to the front
TOM IS NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOU
DO SOME WORK. He shakes his head.
DON'T YOU LAMPRE THIS, LAMPRE
Olivera was trying to go solo but some others have hitched on now
They're not far ahead but there's a Belgian there. Cuz Belgium is always there.
Ahhh it was Tiesj Benoot! But they're caught now.
Italy massing at the front.
Australia too
11k to go
Attack by Belarus
And AMERICA FOLLOWS
USA burying himself. I think it's Tyler given that riding style.
Ah yes his man bun sticks up when he puts his head down
Well I thought it was futile given the camera angles but they're getting a little away. Under 10k.
It would be utterly hysterical to me if Tyler Farrar won this.
Oh it's Kosta!
I mean it's totally preposterous and not worth entertaining but I wouldn't mind if Tyler won, cuz he was really good friends with Wouter Weylandt.
Well 6k and they've got 8 seconds.
Peak hipster.
Nah Italy's got these guys.
Italy swarms from one side and Belgium from the other. Terrifying.
Tyler really doesn't want to give up.
But give up Ty, it's over.
IT IS A MESS UP HERE
4k
LIBBY HILL
I DON'T KNOW WHAT COUNTRY THIS IS
Germany is following and then Belgium
OH MY GOD OF COURSE IT'S STYBAR
AND JOHN OF COURSE AND GREG I DUNNO MAYBE
NIKIIIIIIIIIIII
GO SOLO NIKI NOW IS THE TIME
I'M SERIOUSLY GONNA VOMIT
3k
What Belgian are you??
PETER OF COURSE YOU'RE THERE!!!
He's supertuck descending on what doesn't even look like a descent!!
PETER LEADS AT 2k!!!
I DONT KNOW WHO'S CHASING I DONT KNOW IF I WANT THEM TO CATCH HIM
HE'S AT THE FLAMME!!!!!!!!
He's got such a gap can he hold it!!?!!?!
THEY'RE COMING FOR HIM
BELGIUM SPECIFICALLY
HE IS A BEAST MAN
HE'S GONNA DO IT I THINK
THEY CAN'T GET TO HIM CAN THEY?!!?!?
PETERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
He hops off the bike and throws his arms into the air and high fives Cokey Tom and hugs Styby
And throws his helmet into the crowd
They're like physically prying him and his girlfriend apart.
Ahh well done Bling for second!
(And therefore by proxy, GO ADAM!)
Oh my god this Eritrean guy is being carried on the shoulders of all these fans. This is mental.
What amazingness is Peter going to gift us with in this post-race chat?
I think he's trying to make a statement on the refugee crisis. I mean it is deeply unclear, but... I dunno... PETER SAGAN FOR PRESIDENT.
I had my brother with me, Juraj.
I think he also said he was 'in the crazy'.
I just eat, eat all the gels what I have.
I did just one attack, and I think it was the right attack.
His final comment was basically like IN YOUR FACE HATERS. I see what you say about me on the internet and I'VE GOT RAINBOWS BITCH.
OH PETER!
Oh he's got a giant flag!
WEAR THAT RAINBOW PETER!
Bling is gesturing that the flag is just over to the left.
Odd little anthem, that. It's sort of dark and dramatic and then ends on a jig.
Obviously had to freeze that one last time when there are no doubt excellent podium antics going on.
BUT YOU CAN'T BRING ME DOWN.
This is like an image off the Pope's US tour.
Did I ever. Taylor's time is coming, just you wait.
Oh my god, beautiful. That was one of the greatest things ever.
Johnny D wins the Male Modelling With Pippo Pozzato Award NO CONTEST.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!
Meanwhile, have you seen my belt? I can't find her anywhere.
OMFG I didn't think it could get better.
This is amazing.
Ohhhhhhhhh Return of the Vengabus!!!!! JEALS.
Or maybe a quiet night in.
Fucking BEST EVER. I dunno which is better: him completely pitching over or that teammate's massive gold hoop earring?
Saturday 12 September 2015
The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Tour of Britain Stage 7, Fakenham - Ipswich:
I can't believe I actually fucking jinxed it.
It isn't even consoling that Doppelgänger Rob is still around, THAT'S HOW UPSET I AM.
Alex may be in the break, which kind of helps.
But given the unreliability of twitter coverage, he may not be, and that certainly doesn't help.
Anyway.
All we know about the race so far is that there have been endless rear wheel punctures.
That and: yesterday's post-stage transfer was not popular.
Seems like a high brioche to everything else ratio.
FUCKING HELL. Cav hitting the back of that parked car is INTENSE.
Oh what a lovely man Styby is!
He's trying out the disc breaks today. Rob is concerned it may become an issue if he needs neutral service.
Oh hey Ed! He's Lanterne Rouge. Awww he's having a rough ol' time out there.
Was Tao shit-talking about Wout? Well anyway he blamed 'the rider in black' for his crash up the mountain and said it was in no way his fault. But kind of in a rude way.
Oh it's fine for MTN never to ride, even when they're in the yellow jersey, but when Garmindale does it it's a war crime.
Brian, you're showing your bias.
Puncture for EBH. #Puncturegate continues apace.
Dowsett sighting. This break is now certified.
It has 4 minutes.
Lotto Soudal leads the peloton.
Fucking hell Peloton Deer came in 47 minutes down yesterday. Which was outside the time limit but the commissaires allowed it.
Which everyone agrees was the right move but it did bring us back round to Hank's disqualification.
Yeah FUCK YOU commissaires. No one is happy that Hank got thrown off. Even Brian had some choice words.
What percentage of English bike riders are Northern? Like 99%?
1% here being Alex and Hank and Tao and maybe one other person I don't know about.
Wee time! They are choosing this leafy area to relieve themselves. We are choosing your village to piss upon.
101 on the blackboard. It's very difficult to bring this man back.
It costs 80,000 euros to go for the Hour Record?!! That is mental.
Yeah as if OPQS would leave anything to chance. They've put a couple of extra bikes with neutral service for Styby.
Constant eating today.
Alex would like a polite word with his car.
They're talking about developments in cycling, some of which are interesting, but all of which make Huw sound about 100 years old.
IAN! There will be a scrap for mountain points.
Well just one point, actually. The break will get the majority but there's a fight to the death for the one point on offer.
Why is this a good thing? I hate this man.
One Pro and Madison Genesis are all over the front trying to get this last mountain point.
IAN pokes out!
He's scooting up
Very messy!
Ah a Madison Genesis went way away.
Oh SHIT a One Pro shot round him in the end and took it off him!
Brutal.
The fight continues.
So at 17.8k to go the knives will literally be out.
This is weird.
Are they getting on an aircraft carrier?
This is bizarre.
Alex!! He needs a wheel!
Hook me up! he gestures.
Chats a bit to the mechanic as the change is made. Cheers mate, I imagine. He's very polite.
Seriously though where does this lead?
Oh shit crash!
Tao for sure, though he's up already.
Looks like BMCs on the ground...
Updates are not forthcoming.
Tao's a bit of a Warren Barguil in this race.
An airfield is such a weird place for a bike race.
It is so massive and they are so small.
They're rambling on and on and on and doing idiotic math but the basic point is:
1) the break is probably gonna be brought back before the final climb
and
2) Bibs technically could still win it.
Of course. Healing vibes, all!
Stefan and Danilo alone then. #2manteam
Awww Dylan was 5th in the GC too! Sad face.
Please stop reminding us Taylor won't be in London.
Madison Genesis chasing but it's hardly like having Ian Stannard up there is it.
It's coming down, but slowly.
Getting some finish line vibes here. Did someone switch on a mic they shouldn't have?
DVB is not immune to #puncturegate but seems to be safely back in to the group.
Referring to the incident as a crash on the airfield makes it pretty fucking dramatic.
Gap has come down to 20 seconds.
Hmmm. The two non-Dowsetts have gone off alone. Alex drops back to the peloton.
Are the on the climb? Is the sprint point at the base of the climb? This doesn't make any sense.
Cripes here they come on those two.
But even if Bibs got the maximum points Williams would win based on the count back surely?
So I officially don't care now about this competition.
What's this OPQS lurker?
It's all kicking off with these conti teams.
Williams got it so he won it outright not just on countback.
Soz Madison Genesis.
BOOM STYBY ATTACK. STRAIGHT over that mountain.
People caught napping!
Do a Strade Bianche Styby!!
He's got 10 seconds.
They are furiously chasing him.
A little group of four are coming after him
Stefan the King among others.
He's not giving up.
Bibs up and around there.
The four are caught by Lotto Soudal.
Humph. Styby caught.
The footage broke for several seconds. An obvious reaction to this.
FLY THE FLAG FOR TAYLOR-LOOKING PEOPLE.
10k to go.
A child runs alongside him.
Meh he's caught.
A single IAM at the front of a Lotto train.
7k.
Ugh if it's between Greipel and EBH I'm gonna be asleep.
What is with this shit-ass feed?! Is Taylor Partridge attacking again?
De Bie! Buzz buzz!
5k.
UH OH, Wee Pete spotted near the front... Watch out y'all!
Garmindale coming forward too
God even Brian can't say Tyler Farrar has a chance.
What's he going on about now? He is SUCH A GARMINDALE HATER.
Wee Pete to the front at 3.2k
He looks back, head down, looks back, head down...
HERE COMES YOUR SKY TRAIN!!
Like where were they hiding? That was a thing of beauty!
They just totally eclipsed Lotto, they just wiped them out.
Stannard leads us
OPQS behind the Sky train.
1.3k
FLAMME ROUGE
Three sky, Lottos, OPQS
Lottos coming forward but sky staying up
and OPQS
OPQS PULLING FORWARD
Lotto is at the front
LEADING OUT A SKY?!!?
PLEASE PLEAASE
PLEASE
VIVIANI IS ON THE SIDE GOOO
WHO GOT THAT
FUCK
WHO GOT THAT!?!?
Viviani is so sneaky please be Viviani!!!!
Let's watch again.
LOOK WHERE HE COMES FROM. Renshaw was LITERALLY boxing him in!!! He would've been like 20 bike lengths ahead without that shit.
HE DESERVES IT
GET IT
THAT IS INSANE
The photo finish doesn't help at all!
Rob Phinney rolling in.
UGHHHH.
Of COURSE it's Greipel on this let down of a day.
NO WAY!!!!! LOOK AT ELIA'S WHEEL!! I'd call it for Elia.
I demand a recount.
Renshaw is legit shoving him and Elia shoves back good on him.
Hmph.
I mean we're all biased but SERIOUSLY, they should appeal!!
LOOK AT IT.
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT IT IT'S SO OBVIOUS IT'S ELIA'S.
I'm sorry, where was Elia supposed to go???? This was not a tactical fault. Wind your neck in.
Graham Briggs brings a child up to the podium. The combativity cheese is as big as the child.
If they want me to think that Andre Greipel won, they're gonna need to stop showing that photo finish.
Well that means Elia gets to win tomorrow yeah? Let's have a Genoa reunion!!
Alex is not impressed with your map-making stills.
He is a travel mastermind.
Also, I for some reason love "I've seen a sign for Carlisle every day."
Swoony black & white. This couldn't even be improved by them pouring water over their heads.
Vuelta Stage 20, San Lorenzo de El Escorial - Cercedilla:
Lotto have helpfully brought us up to date on the Vuelta, but not exactly the news we want to hear.
Of course a Lampre leads and will probably win, because this day is shaping up to be terrible.
Who's this woman in commentary?
I am so glad I wasn't watching this terrible demise from the beginning of the stage.
(Elia, barely over the finish line, has retweeted this. SHOTS FIRED.)
I mean is it definitely over??? Could he not bring it back???
Why have they put this cruel counter on the screen!?!
DeMarchi is chasing that Lampre. I guess that's something.
Let's not start shitting on Giant right now.
That team has KILLED in a situation they NEVER anticipated being in.
And Astana is almost criminally dysfunctional. It just happened to work this one time.
(Elia is retweeting the entire internet. The road bears left.)
Lampre wins. Keeping in the spirit of the day.
(Elia is legit starting a revolution)
(If you ever wanted to be retweeted by Elia now is the time.)
(ummmmmmm. Is it?)
An indeterminate Garmindale comes in.
Looks like Moreno Moser. Was he anywhere near the front?
And another.
Alex??
Hmmmm. Aru comes in.
'Devastating' is right.
I think Aru is weeping. He might just be breathing heavily.
I mean he did fight HARD and in almost any other circumstances I'd be all for it, but TOM. LOVELY TOM.
This is painful.
Is he gonna fall off the podium??
OK. Say one more thing about the team and I will lose my shit.
Tom comes in.
Like directly behind him two Astanas holding hands and pumping fists.
Did all the feeds break because it's just too sad?
That originally said #VamosTom, which I imagine was said through tears.
All the drama that you could expect from a cycling race happened today.
Oh my god, he dropped to 6th overall.
He's being SO STOIC.
Even as they ZOOM IN ON HIS FACE.
I'd be a wreck.
(Haven't seen this angle, Lotto. #grassyknoll)
Aru, Purito, Majka, in the end.
'REAL DESOLATION'??? I do not want to see Tom's real desolation!
TURN ON THE SOUND, what's he saying??
MATT RENDLE YOU COCK.
He's not a fucking idiot child. What a jackass question.
Tomorrow I'll be proud, but for now it's just disappointment.
Just empty. Just no legs.
You just gotta deal with it. That was mental. If you were just listening to that you'd swear he was American.
Juan Antonio dreams of Sammy Sanchez. He's always in his thoughts. Also, he's rambling, and everyone has lost their minds.
The rest of this Vuelta theme is totally badass. It's just that sort of yodel-screeching bit that's suuuuuper terrible and kinda ruins the whole thing.
But that instrumental... Damn, Adam knows what he's talking about.
End of a Grand Tour here. I spy some Giro Hair.
The Tour of Britain has hardly been easy itself.
TODAY: THIS.
I can't believe I actually fucking jinxed it.
It isn't even consoling that Doppelgänger Rob is still around, THAT'S HOW UPSET I AM.
Alex may be in the break, which kind of helps.
But given the unreliability of twitter coverage, he may not be, and that certainly doesn't help.
Anyway.
All we know about the race so far is that there have been endless rear wheel punctures.
That and: yesterday's post-stage transfer was not popular.
Seems like a high brioche to everything else ratio.
FUCKING HELL. Cav hitting the back of that parked car is INTENSE.
Oh what a lovely man Styby is!
He's trying out the disc breaks today. Rob is concerned it may become an issue if he needs neutral service.
Oh hey Ed! He's Lanterne Rouge. Awww he's having a rough ol' time out there.
Was Tao shit-talking about Wout? Well anyway he blamed 'the rider in black' for his crash up the mountain and said it was in no way his fault. But kind of in a rude way.
Oh it's fine for MTN never to ride, even when they're in the yellow jersey, but when Garmindale does it it's a war crime.
Brian, you're showing your bias.
Puncture for EBH. #Puncturegate continues apace.
Dowsett sighting. This break is now certified.
It has 4 minutes.
Lotto Soudal leads the peloton.
Fucking hell Peloton Deer came in 47 minutes down yesterday. Which was outside the time limit but the commissaires allowed it.
Which everyone agrees was the right move but it did bring us back round to Hank's disqualification.
Yeah FUCK YOU commissaires. No one is happy that Hank got thrown off. Even Brian had some choice words.
What percentage of English bike riders are Northern? Like 99%?
1% here being Alex and Hank and Tao and maybe one other person I don't know about.
Wee time! They are choosing this leafy area to relieve themselves. We are choosing your village to piss upon.
101 on the blackboard. It's very difficult to bring this man back.
It costs 80,000 euros to go for the Hour Record?!! That is mental.
Yeah as if OPQS would leave anything to chance. They've put a couple of extra bikes with neutral service for Styby.
Constant eating today.
Alex would like a polite word with his car.
They're talking about developments in cycling, some of which are interesting, but all of which make Huw sound about 100 years old.
IAN! There will be a scrap for mountain points.
Well just one point, actually. The break will get the majority but there's a fight to the death for the one point on offer.
Why is this a good thing? I hate this man.
One Pro and Madison Genesis are all over the front trying to get this last mountain point.
IAN pokes out!
He's scooting up
Very messy!
Ah a Madison Genesis went way away.
Oh SHIT a One Pro shot round him in the end and took it off him!
Brutal.
The fight continues.
So at 17.8k to go the knives will literally be out.
This is weird.
Are they getting on an aircraft carrier?
This is bizarre.
Alex!! He needs a wheel!
Hook me up! he gestures.
Chats a bit to the mechanic as the change is made. Cheers mate, I imagine. He's very polite.
Seriously though where does this lead?
Oh shit crash!
Tao for sure, though he's up already.
Looks like BMCs on the ground...
Updates are not forthcoming.
Tao's a bit of a Warren Barguil in this race.
An airfield is such a weird place for a bike race.
It is so massive and they are so small.
They're rambling on and on and on and doing idiotic math but the basic point is:
1) the break is probably gonna be brought back before the final climb
and
2) Bibs technically could still win it.
Of course. Healing vibes, all!
Stefan and Danilo alone then. #2manteam
Awww Dylan was 5th in the GC too! Sad face.
Please stop reminding us Taylor won't be in London.
Madison Genesis chasing but it's hardly like having Ian Stannard up there is it.
It's coming down, but slowly.
Getting some finish line vibes here. Did someone switch on a mic they shouldn't have?
DVB is not immune to #puncturegate but seems to be safely back in to the group.
Referring to the incident as a crash on the airfield makes it pretty fucking dramatic.
Gap has come down to 20 seconds.
Hmmm. The two non-Dowsetts have gone off alone. Alex drops back to the peloton.
Are the on the climb? Is the sprint point at the base of the climb? This doesn't make any sense.
Cripes here they come on those two.
But even if Bibs got the maximum points Williams would win based on the count back surely?
So I officially don't care now about this competition.
What's this OPQS lurker?
It's all kicking off with these conti teams.
Williams got it so he won it outright not just on countback.
Soz Madison Genesis.
BOOM STYBY ATTACK. STRAIGHT over that mountain.
People caught napping!
Do a Strade Bianche Styby!!
He's got 10 seconds.
They are furiously chasing him.
A little group of four are coming after him
Stefan the King among others.
He's not giving up.
Bibs up and around there.
The four are caught by Lotto Soudal.
Humph. Styby caught.
The footage broke for several seconds. An obvious reaction to this.
FLY THE FLAG FOR TAYLOR-LOOKING PEOPLE.
10k to go.
A child runs alongside him.
Meh he's caught.
A single IAM at the front of a Lotto train.
7k.
Ugh if it's between Greipel and EBH I'm gonna be asleep.
What is with this shit-ass feed?! Is Taylor Partridge attacking again?
De Bie! Buzz buzz!
5k.
UH OH, Wee Pete spotted near the front... Watch out y'all!
Garmindale coming forward too
God even Brian can't say Tyler Farrar has a chance.
What's he going on about now? He is SUCH A GARMINDALE HATER.
Wee Pete to the front at 3.2k
He looks back, head down, looks back, head down...
HERE COMES YOUR SKY TRAIN!!
Like where were they hiding? That was a thing of beauty!
They just totally eclipsed Lotto, they just wiped them out.
Stannard leads us
OPQS behind the Sky train.
1.3k
FLAMME ROUGE
Three sky, Lottos, OPQS
Lottos coming forward but sky staying up
and OPQS
OPQS PULLING FORWARD
Lotto is at the front
LEADING OUT A SKY?!!?
PLEASE PLEAASE
PLEASE
VIVIANI IS ON THE SIDE GOOO
WHO GOT THAT
FUCK
WHO GOT THAT!?!?
Viviani is so sneaky please be Viviani!!!!
Let's watch again.
LOOK WHERE HE COMES FROM. Renshaw was LITERALLY boxing him in!!! He would've been like 20 bike lengths ahead without that shit.
HE DESERVES IT
GET IT
THAT IS INSANE
The photo finish doesn't help at all!
Rob Phinney rolling in.
UGHHHH.
Of COURSE it's Greipel on this let down of a day.
NO WAY!!!!! LOOK AT ELIA'S WHEEL!! I'd call it for Elia.
I demand a recount.
Renshaw is legit shoving him and Elia shoves back good on him.
Hmph.
I mean we're all biased but SERIOUSLY, they should appeal!!
LOOK AT IT.
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT IT IT'S SO OBVIOUS IT'S ELIA'S.
I'm sorry, where was Elia supposed to go???? This was not a tactical fault. Wind your neck in.
Graham Briggs brings a child up to the podium. The combativity cheese is as big as the child.
If they want me to think that Andre Greipel won, they're gonna need to stop showing that photo finish.
Well that means Elia gets to win tomorrow yeah? Let's have a Genoa reunion!!
Alex is not impressed with your map-making stills.
He is a travel mastermind.
Also, I for some reason love "I've seen a sign for Carlisle every day."
Swoony black & white. This couldn't even be improved by them pouring water over their heads.
Vuelta Stage 20, San Lorenzo de El Escorial - Cercedilla:
Lotto have helpfully brought us up to date on the Vuelta, but not exactly the news we want to hear.
Of course a Lampre leads and will probably win, because this day is shaping up to be terrible.
Who's this woman in commentary?
I am so glad I wasn't watching this terrible demise from the beginning of the stage.
(Elia, barely over the finish line, has retweeted this. SHOTS FIRED.)
I mean is it definitely over??? Could he not bring it back???
Why have they put this cruel counter on the screen!?!
DeMarchi is chasing that Lampre. I guess that's something.
Let's not start shitting on Giant right now.
That team has KILLED in a situation they NEVER anticipated being in.
And Astana is almost criminally dysfunctional. It just happened to work this one time.
(Elia is retweeting the entire internet. The road bears left.)
Lampre wins. Keeping in the spirit of the day.
(Elia is legit starting a revolution)
(If you ever wanted to be retweeted by Elia now is the time.)
(ummmmmmm. Is it?)
An indeterminate Garmindale comes in.
Looks like Moreno Moser. Was he anywhere near the front?
And another.
Alex??
Hmmmm. Aru comes in.
'Devastating' is right.
I think Aru is weeping. He might just be breathing heavily.
I mean he did fight HARD and in almost any other circumstances I'd be all for it, but TOM. LOVELY TOM.
This is painful.
Is he gonna fall off the podium??
OK. Say one more thing about the team and I will lose my shit.
Tom comes in.
Like directly behind him two Astanas holding hands and pumping fists.
Did all the feeds break because it's just too sad?
That originally said #VamosTom, which I imagine was said through tears.
All the drama that you could expect from a cycling race happened today.
Oh my god, he dropped to 6th overall.
He's being SO STOIC.
Even as they ZOOM IN ON HIS FACE.
I'd be a wreck.
(Haven't seen this angle, Lotto. #grassyknoll)
Aru, Purito, Majka, in the end.
'REAL DESOLATION'??? I do not want to see Tom's real desolation!
TURN ON THE SOUND, what's he saying??
MATT RENDLE YOU COCK.
He's not a fucking idiot child. What a jackass question.
Tomorrow I'll be proud, but for now it's just disappointment.
Just empty. Just no legs.
You just gotta deal with it. That was mental. If you were just listening to that you'd swear he was American.
Juan Antonio dreams of Sammy Sanchez. He's always in his thoughts. Also, he's rambling, and everyone has lost their minds.
The rest of this Vuelta theme is totally badass. It's just that sort of yodel-screeching bit that's suuuuuper terrible and kinda ruins the whole thing.
But that instrumental... Damn, Adam knows what he's talking about.
End of a Grand Tour here. I spy some Giro Hair.
The Tour of Britain has hardly been easy itself.
TODAY: THIS.
Friday 11 September 2015
Your Move, Sky.
Tour of Britain Stage 6, Stoke-on-Trent - Nottingham:
Whhhhhattt? Cav crashed again and is now out of the race!!
Also Maarten Tjalingii didn't take the start this morning. Is Lotto-Jumbo now #2manteam?
Making up for yesterday's TOTALLY DULL break, we now have this TOTALLY THRILLING break: DVB, Styby, Matteo Trentin, Ian Stannard, Stefan Kung, Tao and Steven Kruijswijk.
Also Sebastian Langeveld is there. I feel like I shouldn't leave just ONE person out.
Brilliant. Fast and narrow descent with sheep!!
Don't have to tell me twice.
Fuckin' WOW.
It's the way the country is built. It's always up and down. Says poor Andre Greipel.
Oh Brian! I might be kind of frightened to ask him questions.
WHAT?! HANK!
HE'S BEEN DISQUALIFIED.
He was caught up in that scrap with Cav and the Movistar yesterday and in the attempt to get back did a bit of a Nibali according to the overzealous commissaires. NOT HANK.
TAYLOR JUST MAKE IT TO LONDON OK?
They better point out Charly's old apartment and Rod's old house now that Rob has flagged them up as points of interest.
Ok there's some enormous group 20 minutes behind.
Including Ian Bibs, just spotted.
There is a group of six about a minute ahead, almost entirely different than the ones announced earlier.
Then a group of 24 with lots of Sky and EBH and some BMCs. DVB looks to be in this group.
I don't want to jinx it but I think Taylor is there.
Those breaks have got 45 seconds. If they stay away over a few more Ks I'll figure out who they are.
Gap is staying around a minute. So it's Stefan Kung, Matteo Trentin, Jens Debusschere, Gorka Izaguirre, Bram Tankink, and Seb Langeveld.
Awww Jens is having a mechanical problem.
Watch out for that sticky bottle Jens!!
Jens has made it back to the break group, but they apparently only have 34 seconds.
I KNEW IT. Taylor confirmed in the yellow jersey group.
Thought we lost Styby? Don't worry, he was just having a piss. Talk about a surveillance state.
Now DVB peels off the back for a little relief.
WELL GOOD. Was that an option??!
Swifty leading our Sky group here. Gap is near a minute again.
OH INTERESTING
SKY HAVE SPLIT IT
NICE ONE
Swifty, Wee Pete, Stannard, EBH
Well we panned away to the uneventful breakaway just as Taylor was powering up like a total beast bringing everyone back together.
OMG Bram Tankink waved to all the school children. I die.
They're just letting this break dangle out here at like 30 seconds.
Andy Fenn is a dad??! Isn't he like 15?
Onto the next climb.
Izaguirre and Stefan are up front as the others are distanced.
Attack from the group behind. A Tinkoff goes off the front.
I feel like Stefan should be officially initiated into the International King Dynasty.
As a reminder, members include: Ted King, Ben King, Leo Konig, and Jeremy Roy.
The Tinkoff joined those guys who got distanced in the break.
Representative of the International King Dynasty Stefan Kung and Izaguirre are still away up front.
They've got 30 seconds.
Ok leader on the road is one thing but what actual shit are we talking calling new yellow jerseys at 50k to go?
Stannard pulling bottles out of all sorts of places.
Bottles flying everywhere.
TAYLOR!!!
Wearing arm warmers still. One of the few.
That enormous peloton (today's Peloton Deer) is 30 minutes behind.
Oh god tomorrow sounds horrible. Please people just make it to London.
YES THEY ARE.
Brian said BMC are sitting in a good place.
But then he also said they've got Gert Floris.
GERT FLORIS.
FFS.
Stefan the King and Gorka have been joined by the breakaway remnants and now have nearly a minute and a half on the Sky/Taylor/DVB/EBH group.
Henceforth referred to as 'the group', cuz Peloton Deer isn't coming back today.
Hmmm. Ian was not very impressed with EBH just there. He wants him to contribute.
EBH has no teammates but Ian doesn't take excuses.
Taylor you beautiful peacock.
Izaguirre going solo!
Wee Pete leading our group behind.
Swifty to the front now.
Everyone thrashing up this climb which isn't even a 'climb'.
Swifty gritting his teeth.
Christ.
ToB reporting on twitter that Matteo has gone off in pursuit of Izaguirre, but I'll await visual confirmation.
Could be Styby; could be Cav, who is no longer in this race; could be Iljo, who is at the Vuelta.
Could be a man called Matteo who is on another team or perhaps not even a professional bike rider.
Ok, so here's what's happening: Izaguirre, Matteo, Stefan the King, and Debusschere are leading by 49 seconds.
Everyone else, including former breakaways, is in the group behind.
(And 30 minutes behind them is Peloton Deer)
Stefan gets the news that he is now an official member of the International King Dynasty.
Dylan hanging tough mid-group.
Taylor pumping along.
Get out Izaguirre. His bonus seconds have meant he's jumped DVB in the standings.
Yeahhhhhhh Garmindale you clever bastards.
EBH has been forced to contribute now but Garmindales are sittin' pretty in their sedan chair.
Wout Poels scuttling up the side from the back here.
13k to go, the break still have 33 seconds.
Cripes this Cult Energy is on the front and digging deep.
Tinkoff also representing.
YOU NEVER DISCOUNT TAYLOR PHINNEY.
Best thing Brian has said or will ever say.
Pete? What you up to?
Oh he was off the back but he's caught back on.
Gap coming down so Matteo goes solo!
Stefan is doing insane things behind him.
He swung over the road but the other two got on his wheel.
He's dragging them up.
Or trying....
Matteo is getting awayyyyyy
I think Izaguirre was just like "They're right fucking there!" to Stefan.
And then Stefan shot off.
OMFG the group is coming up on him.
Stefan definitely should get the cheese today.
He's caught.
Only Matteo remains.
Sky leads the chase.
5.5k to go.
Under 5k, he's got 10 seconds, BMC chased a bit but mostly Sky still.
Ok Brian, why do you hate Garmindale?
The group swings round the corner at him.
A splinter group!
Three went off the front and EBH went off from it!
3k
That must be Wout back there!
OMFG
Everyone is so close!!!!
2.2k
EBH about to get Matteo's wheel.
2k
EBH takes the lead.
Are they intentionally framing this shot so we can't see the road!?!
Someone is trying to go off the front back there.
Chris Anker
Matteo's like nope, you do ALL THE TURNS
DVB leads his men and the group now
EBH leads out
Matteo is falling back
He's catching up
They're both looking back
COME ON MATTEO
COME ON
THE GROUP IS CLOSE
EBH starts the sprint
MATTEOOOOO
MATTEO
MATTEO GETS AHEAD
HE WILL GET IT
MATTEO TAKES IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christ everyone was like right there.
Oh Stefan, there he comes.
STEFAN YOU ARE A KING.
Yeah we get it Brian, you're a massive Garmindale hater. When DVB repeats his win you're gonna feel like an ASS.
Styby 4th again.
So Sky and OPQS have split this Tour between them so far. Three stage wins apiece.
OPQS love to pull beautiful things out of dark places.
Matteeeeeeeooooooooo! So proud.
And he's already won a wheel of cheese so what more could a man want?
Fuckin' joker.
Shite you're adorable.
Hmm. That cheese belongs to The King.
That man annoys me greatly, but I have to agree with the sentiment.
I do love black and white photos of guys pouring water over their heads though. They got that one wrong.
Vuelta Stage 19, Medina del Campo - Avila:
Giant are on the front of the peloton.
Adam is at the back, packed to the gills with bottles.
24.3k to go in the Vuelta. No idea what's going on.
2 riders ahead
3 chasing
And some breakaways scattered in the road
And then I guess everyone else.
At 17 minutes?!!
Goujons seems to be at the front.
He came 26th in his first Paris-Roubaix. Well done. Taylor came 15th in his. NBD.
A spectator just shouted "Go Moreno!"
Given the composition of the group that was probably for Dani Moreno but I like to think there are people out there spreadin' the love for Moreno Moser.
Johnny D is being a superstar here.
Goujons under 11k solo still.
FDJ and Cofidis down. Ouch.
He is a pretty good time triallist and you don't often say that about someone from the AG2R team.
Just say "the French".
Valverde attempting an attack. Tinkoff pegs it immediately.
Valverde goes again. LL Sanchez literally gestures 'don't bother."
3k for Goujons
The Walls of Avila are pretty damn cool.
Goujons is actually GAINING time on the little climb at the end.
Gougeard gets the win.
Oliveria for second.
Max Montfort takes third.
The favourites still have 15k to go.
At this point guys are scattered all over the countryside...
So the Teams competition is wide open, is the gist.
Valverde attacks again.
Has an Astana with him.
Nobody really cares, including me.
Inside 4k.
Valverde is going to be caught.
Onto that final climb.
Craddock brings Giant and Co up to AND PAST Valverde.
Johnny D has had enough
Aru getting gapped
Craddock swings off and it's TOM LEADING
Dani Moreno is on Tom's wheel but they have a gap!!!
STRETCH IT OUT TOM
He's looking back at the Flamme Rouge and digging in.
Aru is like HELP ME from whoever is behind him.
TOM IS PUSHING
TOM'S IN
And there's Aru. It's a few seconds though.
LL Sanchez and Cataldo are having a discussion as they roll in. LL is gesturing like and I was saying, you know.. and Dario is following along and nodding, uh huh uh huh.
Don't you worry about Tom: Of course I have also stress. It is hard days and everyone is attacking me. .. But I can handle it.
They will give more than all they've got to keep that jersey, Juan Antonio tells us.
They are so excited about Tom possibly winning, about Giant being a team of DUDES, about the 4 category 1 climbs tomorrow...
I'm out of breath, I'm gonna have to go, says Ashley.
Whhhhhattt? Cav crashed again and is now out of the race!!
Also Maarten Tjalingii didn't take the start this morning. Is Lotto-Jumbo now #2manteam?
Making up for yesterday's TOTALLY DULL break, we now have this TOTALLY THRILLING break: DVB, Styby, Matteo Trentin, Ian Stannard, Stefan Kung, Tao and Steven Kruijswijk.
Also Sebastian Langeveld is there. I feel like I shouldn't leave just ONE person out.
Brilliant. Fast and narrow descent with sheep!!
Don't have to tell me twice.
Fuckin' WOW.
It's the way the country is built. It's always up and down. Says poor Andre Greipel.
Oh Brian! I might be kind of frightened to ask him questions.
WHAT?! HANK!
HE'S BEEN DISQUALIFIED.
He was caught up in that scrap with Cav and the Movistar yesterday and in the attempt to get back did a bit of a Nibali according to the overzealous commissaires. NOT HANK.
TAYLOR JUST MAKE IT TO LONDON OK?
They better point out Charly's old apartment and Rod's old house now that Rob has flagged them up as points of interest.
Ok there's some enormous group 20 minutes behind.
Including Ian Bibs, just spotted.
There is a group of six about a minute ahead, almost entirely different than the ones announced earlier.
Then a group of 24 with lots of Sky and EBH and some BMCs. DVB looks to be in this group.
I don't want to jinx it but I think Taylor is there.
Those breaks have got 45 seconds. If they stay away over a few more Ks I'll figure out who they are.
Gap is staying around a minute. So it's Stefan Kung, Matteo Trentin, Jens Debusschere, Gorka Izaguirre, Bram Tankink, and Seb Langeveld.
Awww Jens is having a mechanical problem.
Watch out for that sticky bottle Jens!!
Jens has made it back to the break group, but they apparently only have 34 seconds.
I KNEW IT. Taylor confirmed in the yellow jersey group.
Thought we lost Styby? Don't worry, he was just having a piss. Talk about a surveillance state.
Now DVB peels off the back for a little relief.
WELL GOOD. Was that an option??!
Swifty leading our Sky group here. Gap is near a minute again.
OH INTERESTING
SKY HAVE SPLIT IT
NICE ONE
Swifty, Wee Pete, Stannard, EBH
Well we panned away to the uneventful breakaway just as Taylor was powering up like a total beast bringing everyone back together.
OMG Bram Tankink waved to all the school children. I die.
They're just letting this break dangle out here at like 30 seconds.
Andy Fenn is a dad??! Isn't he like 15?
Onto the next climb.
Izaguirre and Stefan are up front as the others are distanced.
Attack from the group behind. A Tinkoff goes off the front.
I feel like Stefan should be officially initiated into the International King Dynasty.
As a reminder, members include: Ted King, Ben King, Leo Konig, and Jeremy Roy.
The Tinkoff joined those guys who got distanced in the break.
Representative of the International King Dynasty Stefan Kung and Izaguirre are still away up front.
They've got 30 seconds.
Ok leader on the road is one thing but what actual shit are we talking calling new yellow jerseys at 50k to go?
Stannard pulling bottles out of all sorts of places.
Bottles flying everywhere.
TAYLOR!!!
Wearing arm warmers still. One of the few.
That enormous peloton (today's Peloton Deer) is 30 minutes behind.
Oh god tomorrow sounds horrible. Please people just make it to London.
YES THEY ARE.
Brian said BMC are sitting in a good place.
But then he also said they've got Gert Floris.
GERT FLORIS.
FFS.
Stefan the King and Gorka have been joined by the breakaway remnants and now have nearly a minute and a half on the Sky/Taylor/DVB/EBH group.
Henceforth referred to as 'the group', cuz Peloton Deer isn't coming back today.
Hmmm. Ian was not very impressed with EBH just there. He wants him to contribute.
EBH has no teammates but Ian doesn't take excuses.
Taylor you beautiful peacock.
Izaguirre going solo!
Wee Pete leading our group behind.
Swifty to the front now.
Everyone thrashing up this climb which isn't even a 'climb'.
Swifty gritting his teeth.
Christ.
ToB reporting on twitter that Matteo has gone off in pursuit of Izaguirre, but I'll await visual confirmation.
Could be Styby; could be Cav, who is no longer in this race; could be Iljo, who is at the Vuelta.
Could be a man called Matteo who is on another team or perhaps not even a professional bike rider.
Ok, so here's what's happening: Izaguirre, Matteo, Stefan the King, and Debusschere are leading by 49 seconds.
Everyone else, including former breakaways, is in the group behind.
(And 30 minutes behind them is Peloton Deer)
Stefan gets the news that he is now an official member of the International King Dynasty.
Dylan hanging tough mid-group.
Taylor pumping along.
Get out Izaguirre. His bonus seconds have meant he's jumped DVB in the standings.
Yeahhhhhhh Garmindale you clever bastards.
EBH has been forced to contribute now but Garmindales are sittin' pretty in their sedan chair.
Wout Poels scuttling up the side from the back here.
13k to go, the break still have 33 seconds.
Cripes this Cult Energy is on the front and digging deep.
Tinkoff also representing.
YOU NEVER DISCOUNT TAYLOR PHINNEY.
Best thing Brian has said or will ever say.
Pete? What you up to?
Oh he was off the back but he's caught back on.
Gap coming down so Matteo goes solo!
Stefan is doing insane things behind him.
He swung over the road but the other two got on his wheel.
He's dragging them up.
Or trying....
Matteo is getting awayyyyyy
I think Izaguirre was just like "They're right fucking there!" to Stefan.
And then Stefan shot off.
OMFG the group is coming up on him.
Stefan definitely should get the cheese today.
He's caught.
Only Matteo remains.
Sky leads the chase.
5.5k to go.
Under 5k, he's got 10 seconds, BMC chased a bit but mostly Sky still.
Ok Brian, why do you hate Garmindale?
The group swings round the corner at him.
A splinter group!
Three went off the front and EBH went off from it!
3k
That must be Wout back there!
OMFG
Everyone is so close!!!!
2.2k
EBH about to get Matteo's wheel.
2k
EBH takes the lead.
Are they intentionally framing this shot so we can't see the road!?!
Someone is trying to go off the front back there.
Chris Anker
Matteo's like nope, you do ALL THE TURNS
DVB leads his men and the group now
EBH leads out
Matteo is falling back
He's catching up
They're both looking back
COME ON MATTEO
COME ON
THE GROUP IS CLOSE
EBH starts the sprint
MATTEOOOOO
MATTEO
MATTEO GETS AHEAD
HE WILL GET IT
MATTEO TAKES IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christ everyone was like right there.
Oh Stefan, there he comes.
STEFAN YOU ARE A KING.
Yeah we get it Brian, you're a massive Garmindale hater. When DVB repeats his win you're gonna feel like an ASS.
Styby 4th again.
So Sky and OPQS have split this Tour between them so far. Three stage wins apiece.
OPQS love to pull beautiful things out of dark places.
Matteeeeeeeooooooooo! So proud.
And he's already won a wheel of cheese so what more could a man want?
Fuckin' joker.
Shite you're adorable.
Hmm. That cheese belongs to The King.
That man annoys me greatly, but I have to agree with the sentiment.
I do love black and white photos of guys pouring water over their heads though. They got that one wrong.
Vuelta Stage 19, Medina del Campo - Avila:
Giant are on the front of the peloton.
Adam is at the back, packed to the gills with bottles.
24.3k to go in the Vuelta. No idea what's going on.
2 riders ahead
3 chasing
And some breakaways scattered in the road
And then I guess everyone else.
At 17 minutes?!!
Goujons seems to be at the front.
He came 26th in his first Paris-Roubaix. Well done. Taylor came 15th in his. NBD.
A spectator just shouted "Go Moreno!"
Given the composition of the group that was probably for Dani Moreno but I like to think there are people out there spreadin' the love for Moreno Moser.
Johnny D is being a superstar here.
Goujons under 11k solo still.
FDJ and Cofidis down. Ouch.
He is a pretty good time triallist and you don't often say that about someone from the AG2R team.
Just say "the French".
Valverde attempting an attack. Tinkoff pegs it immediately.
Valverde goes again. LL Sanchez literally gestures 'don't bother."
3k for Goujons
The Walls of Avila are pretty damn cool.
Goujons is actually GAINING time on the little climb at the end.
Gougeard gets the win.
Oliveria for second.
Max Montfort takes third.
The favourites still have 15k to go.
At this point guys are scattered all over the countryside...
So the Teams competition is wide open, is the gist.
Valverde attacks again.
Has an Astana with him.
Nobody really cares, including me.
Inside 4k.
Valverde is going to be caught.
Onto that final climb.
Craddock brings Giant and Co up to AND PAST Valverde.
Johnny D has had enough
Aru getting gapped
Craddock swings off and it's TOM LEADING
Dani Moreno is on Tom's wheel but they have a gap!!!
STRETCH IT OUT TOM
He's looking back at the Flamme Rouge and digging in.
Aru is like HELP ME from whoever is behind him.
TOM IS PUSHING
TOM'S IN
And there's Aru. It's a few seconds though.
LL Sanchez and Cataldo are having a discussion as they roll in. LL is gesturing like and I was saying, you know.. and Dario is following along and nodding, uh huh uh huh.
Don't you worry about Tom: Of course I have also stress. It is hard days and everyone is attacking me. .. But I can handle it.
They will give more than all they've got to keep that jersey, Juan Antonio tells us.
They are so excited about Tom possibly winning, about Giant being a team of DUDES, about the 4 category 1 climbs tomorrow...
I'm out of breath, I'm gonna have to go, says Ashley.
Thursday 10 September 2015
One for the Tinder Profile
Tour of Britain Stage 5, Prudhoe - Hartside Fell:
I need to have this dog.
This dog is the biggest hit of the Tour of Britain.
I don't need to be told to wave at Charly.
I think Johnny's got him beat actually.
Did not see that coming. Also, what?? Bernie and Brian and everyone all at MTN?? WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD.
Hartside Fell is a suitably dramatic name for a summit finish. Sounds like an epic medieval battle should take place there.
Alex you lovely man.
Awww he's enjoying his English breakfasts!
Amazing. They love Ian Bibby. He oozes class, says Rob. Obviously.
Taylor Phinney leading us out on the neutral start.
Ooooh looks like Cav was caught out in an early crash!
There's a break at the Vuelta with Koen de Kort, Nico and Adam. Britain's breakaway is less exciting.
OH FOR FUCKS-- I do not care about Connor Dunne's dual passports. WHY.
Alex on the front, even though he hoped not to be today.
Well I don't care about them but the break has 4 minutes.
Oh hey Swifty!
Sky mixing in with Movistar, Elia leads the peloton.
I mean England is beautiful. We're crossing some old bridge outside Lazonby. The weather has been deceptively wonderful as well.
I'm enjoying #mechanictakeover as much as I did #kennaughtakover.
Lunchtime!
Woooooooah, replaying that crash of Cav's. He was NOT pleased with that Movistar. He was up in his face bigtime. Then he has a massive long chat with the commissaire.
Well the cows have heard my shit talking and are now running alongside the race.
They're talking up Bibs here for the finish.
Hmmm. Brian wasn't FULL of praise: He shows brilliance one day, and then falls asleep on another day.
Please stop telling us about your sunflowers Huw.
50k to go. Gap down to just over 3 minutes.
RJVR has come to the front of the chase.
The giant himself, Ian Stannard.
Wowzers Le Crow. NICE ONE.
Gap under 3 minutes.
Ed Clancy's hanging at the back a lot. Like exclusively.
Jon Dibben at the back here. He seems fun.
Some breaking in the break.
Three have got away from the others. But... who cares kinda?
Let's catch these dudes huh.
32k to go. Andy Fenn back on the front.
Those two breakaways that got dropped have now been picked up by the peloton.
The resisters are still resisting with just over 2 minutes.
NFTO getting involved in the chase now.
Hank?
MASSIVE crowds in Penrith.
Garmin to the front as well.
Gap at a minute and a half.
Alright we're serious now, Stannard is at the front.
It sort of sounded like Brian said we've got this moron in the peloton. I think he was probably saying something about a motor, but that was hilarious. Not a fan of Stannard maybe.
Stefan and Taylor!!!
Where's his twin? Rob Phinney? Taylor Partridge?
(Also can we talk about that photo? HELLO #relationshipgoals)
Who cares about Brad shut up about Brad
12.9k as we come back from commercial, 26 seconds for the break.
Uh huh, Wiggins pulled the group in the commercial break. How convenient.
14 seconds
9
Jesus well that's that.
They're trying a final go. Well one of them isn't.
Still fighting for the combativity cheese.
But no longer.
Gruppo compatto at 9.7k
The climb is imminent.
DVB peeking out.
Taylor reallllll attentive near the front here.
ON THE CLIMB.
Sky lead the way
Taylor talking to someone
Aww JJ Lobato immediately dropped.
Taylor dancing
There was a tiny break from someone called Oliphant but quickly ended.
A Garmindale goes!
Ruben Zepuntke
Awww Danilo dropped
Swifty leading the chase behind
He's not massively massively ahead but there is a gap
It's going out a bit, 10 seconds now.
Aww bye Swifty.
Wee Pete is on the chase behind Ruben.
There are some others with him
A Movistar and Chris Anker.
Oh it's all a mess now
Strung out but not a break
Steven Kruiswijk has gone off the front and gotten away
Wee Pete leads the group behind
Though now coming off?? This helicopter is too far!
Exposed roads
Wout is going for the bridge!
DROP THAT BOTTLE
Wout has caught Steven
UGH Tao fell over!!!
EBH trying to bridge
WOUT IS GOING SOLO
He's like NUH UH EBH, laters!
2k to go
Ohhh they're gonna maybe get up to him
Booo. Those three together
Wout is going again!
He gets away but EBH pegs him
A Movistar has joined them
Wout is moving all around
Get away Wout, get away!!!
Ahhhh EBH went for it!
Meh somebody catch him!
Wout is trying!
He's kinda coming up on him but they guess he won't catch him
Sad face.
He's getting up there
THAT LINE ISN'T COMING FOR EBH
COME ON WOUT
COME ON WOUT
COME oN WOUT
SERIOUSLY
FUCKING DO THIS
OM GH
?!!!!!!!~
THAT WAS TOO FUCKING AMAZING!!!
OH MY GOD THAT WAS MAGIC
Is that Taylor or the ever-present Floris Gerts coming in for BMC?
Oh my god let it be 4 seconds lead, then Wout will lead by ONE SECOND.
Ugh. Boo. They say it's two seconds. So EBH gets the jersey.
Ok, dammit that's adorable. But I wanted Wout to have it all!
Nice one Stybar!! 4th on the stage.
Ah it was Dylan Teuns for BMC earlier.
The GC has had a bit of a shakeup there.
Big groups coming in minutes later.
Is this Taylor coming in 10 minutes down??
He doesn't have his knee tape but it looks like him and it's not Rob-Taylor Partridge-Phinney.
HI WOUT!
It's really nice to win then and see all the people there.
Everyone loves riding for Team Sky in the Tour of Britain. Elia said something so cute about it the other day.
Alex is a jack of all trades.
Awwwwww Steven!!! Another day! Stay strong #3menteam!
You and I were hoping Wiggo would have a bit of a nudge. Well then you're idiots.
Vuelta Stage 18, Roa -Riaza:
I'm in love.
Social media has really been excellent in the late season.
It sounds logic. #VamosTom
Huh.
Well joining on here are 32k, sounds like a bit of a Classic Vuelta moment here, with an uncategorised climb that is actually pretty effing difficult.
JOHNNY D is there?!!?
Breakaway starting to come apart.
Mercifully. Can we get off this life coaching from Gogo?? He's talking like an idiot.
Lotto (but not Adam) goes off the front with Cyril Gautier.
Gautier alone now
This is sometimes how I feel watching this race.
Gautier onto the climb
They're really doubting Astana's tactics here. Basically calling them stupid.
Uh oh.
Maybe it has to do with these incredible retro photos??
WOAH ARU GOING CRAZY
Just went on the attack, Tom follows and so does Purito
He's pulled away with about 8 guys, also Majka there
WOAH
ARU AND TOM ALONE
Majka pulls them back together
Tom is ON HIS ASS
Aru keeps swinging around and pushing and Tom is like a magnet
Valv.Piti attacking
Chaves trying a move
He gets away but no one sort of seems to care too much
Valverde goes after him
At the front of the race, IT'S NICO
3k to the summit with 1 minute advantage
Majka and Nieve joining Chaves and Valv.Piti
Nieve goes to the front
Everyone together again
Nieve goes again but doesn't stick
Picking up all these breakaways
Aru goes again!
Tom follows no problem
You can see how different they are in size.
Nieve pulling away again
Got some distance this time.
Nico still leads, about to be joined by Zubeldia.
They have 40 seconds on whoever is behind them, then Nieve, then the favourites
Valv.Piti goes again, followed by Majka. Aru trying to bridge with Tom right on him.
It's clear to me at this point that Aru should stop trying to attack Tom Dumoulin. Hilarious!!
Valverde going again. Snooze. Fucking hell.
Favourites together.
Nieve was brought back at some point.
Nico and Haimar at the summit!
It sounds like the crowd are shouting huevo huevo huevo!
Chaves pushes ahead for the descent.
I HOPE THE BREAK STAYS AWAY DON'T MAKE ME DREAM
Charly what are you trying to tell us?
Quintana made a short attack that went nowhere during the commercial break
Under 8k for Nico and Haimar.
5k.
I mean seriously.
4k.
TOM GOING SOLOOOOOOOOO
He went to the front but now everyone's together.
OMFG can we please get #woutontinder trending.
1.5k
There may be a time bonus going for the favourites group. Obviously can't count on the GPS here but... !!!!!
800m for Nico and Haimar
Virtually a straight run in!?!! HELP
OH MY GOD NICO PLEASE
Nico is leading which is interesting...
He keeps looking back
THIS IS MAD
I could vomit
My heart is going to explode!
GO NICO NICO
HE'S SO STRONG
NICO PLEASE
!!!!!!!!!!! NICOooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE WAS BRILLIANT!
Favourites come in together, no gaps.
NICO YOU CUTIE!!!!!
Let's see it again. He's so strong!!
Nicolas! shouts the announcer.
HE IS SO PLEASED! He's like WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! as he crosses the line!
Everyone is a winner. Today, and every day in this Vuelta.
Great guy, great winner. says Juan Antonio.
With this victory, we are happy at Team Sky. We've had to fight a lot within this race. Oh Mikel!! I hope the Vuelta team is now as happy as the Tour of Britain team!!
He's a super nice guy. I don't think anyone in the peloton has a bad word to say about him. We saw him with all the tvs around him and he was just smiling.
Giant has brought the DS A-Team. Christian Guiberteau telling us about the psychologique game played today. He and Addy Engels should go on tour.
NICOOOOOO!!! Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I COULD CRY.
Is #Nicoontinder?
THE SUN SHINES ON NICO ROCHE.
Laura Meseguer is literally having to throw herself in front of cars to get these interviews.
With Haimar I was like let's go let's go let's go! Let's go all the way to the finish!
When I smiled it was cuz it actually worked!
For once I didn't mess up!
I looked to see if the shadow was coming up and I didn't want to put my hands up.
HE IS ADORABLE.
His manner of speaking is so unique and he has the most curious mix of accents.
THAT is not Tom Dumoulin.
I think I'm Vuelta Extra giddy now.
They said Tom Dumoulin and then flashed to Nairo Quintana and the visual joke was just too much.
Oh hey Dave B.
We're super happy. He's a very nice guy, very popular, very well liked.
[On Tom] He looks majestic. I think he's gonna win the race. He's a class rider.
I've never seen Dave B so happy. It's like he's been drinking. He's practically on Vuelta Extra right now.
And Wout won a stage in the Tour of Britain! He insists on telling Laura, like a proud papa.
Oh my god.
Tom waves and smiles like an adorable child. Goodbye everyone! See you tomorrow.
Is Adam planning some psychological torture?
On G perhaps?
Update: "I'll get you a copy also" is now my new favourite thing.
You said it Dan. Hearts.
I need to have this dog.
This dog is the biggest hit of the Tour of Britain.
I don't need to be told to wave at Charly.
I think Johnny's got him beat actually.
Did not see that coming. Also, what?? Bernie and Brian and everyone all at MTN?? WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD.
Hartside Fell is a suitably dramatic name for a summit finish. Sounds like an epic medieval battle should take place there.
Alex you lovely man.
Awww he's enjoying his English breakfasts!
Amazing. They love Ian Bibby. He oozes class, says Rob. Obviously.
Taylor Phinney leading us out on the neutral start.
Ooooh looks like Cav was caught out in an early crash!
There's a break at the Vuelta with Koen de Kort, Nico and Adam. Britain's breakaway is less exciting.
OH FOR FUCKS-- I do not care about Connor Dunne's dual passports. WHY.
Alex on the front, even though he hoped not to be today.
Well I don't care about them but the break has 4 minutes.
Oh hey Swifty!
Sky mixing in with Movistar, Elia leads the peloton.
I mean England is beautiful. We're crossing some old bridge outside Lazonby. The weather has been deceptively wonderful as well.
I'm enjoying #mechanictakeover as much as I did #kennaughtakover.
Lunchtime!
Woooooooah, replaying that crash of Cav's. He was NOT pleased with that Movistar. He was up in his face bigtime. Then he has a massive long chat with the commissaire.
Well the cows have heard my shit talking and are now running alongside the race.
They're talking up Bibs here for the finish.
Hmmm. Brian wasn't FULL of praise: He shows brilliance one day, and then falls asleep on another day.
Please stop telling us about your sunflowers Huw.
50k to go. Gap down to just over 3 minutes.
RJVR has come to the front of the chase.
The giant himself, Ian Stannard.
Wowzers Le Crow. NICE ONE.
Gap under 3 minutes.
Ed Clancy's hanging at the back a lot. Like exclusively.
Jon Dibben at the back here. He seems fun.
Some breaking in the break.
Three have got away from the others. But... who cares kinda?
Let's catch these dudes huh.
32k to go. Andy Fenn back on the front.
Those two breakaways that got dropped have now been picked up by the peloton.
The resisters are still resisting with just over 2 minutes.
NFTO getting involved in the chase now.
Hank?
MASSIVE crowds in Penrith.
Garmin to the front as well.
Gap at a minute and a half.
Alright we're serious now, Stannard is at the front.
It sort of sounded like Brian said we've got this moron in the peloton. I think he was probably saying something about a motor, but that was hilarious. Not a fan of Stannard maybe.
Stefan and Taylor!!!
Where's his twin? Rob Phinney? Taylor Partridge?
(Also can we talk about that photo? HELLO #relationshipgoals)
Who cares about Brad shut up about Brad
12.9k as we come back from commercial, 26 seconds for the break.
Uh huh, Wiggins pulled the group in the commercial break. How convenient.
14 seconds
9
Jesus well that's that.
They're trying a final go. Well one of them isn't.
Still fighting for the combativity cheese.
But no longer.
Gruppo compatto at 9.7k
The climb is imminent.
DVB peeking out.
Taylor reallllll attentive near the front here.
ON THE CLIMB.
Sky lead the way
Taylor talking to someone
Aww JJ Lobato immediately dropped.
Taylor dancing
There was a tiny break from someone called Oliphant but quickly ended.
A Garmindale goes!
Ruben Zepuntke
Awww Danilo dropped
Swifty leading the chase behind
He's not massively massively ahead but there is a gap
It's going out a bit, 10 seconds now.
Aww bye Swifty.
Wee Pete is on the chase behind Ruben.
There are some others with him
A Movistar and Chris Anker.
Oh it's all a mess now
Strung out but not a break
Steven Kruiswijk has gone off the front and gotten away
Wee Pete leads the group behind
Though now coming off?? This helicopter is too far!
Exposed roads
Wout is going for the bridge!
DROP THAT BOTTLE
Wout has caught Steven
UGH Tao fell over!!!
EBH trying to bridge
WOUT IS GOING SOLO
He's like NUH UH EBH, laters!
2k to go
Ohhh they're gonna maybe get up to him
Booo. Those three together
Wout is going again!
He gets away but EBH pegs him
A Movistar has joined them
Wout is moving all around
Get away Wout, get away!!!
Ahhhh EBH went for it!
Meh somebody catch him!
Wout is trying!
He's kinda coming up on him but they guess he won't catch him
Sad face.
He's getting up there
THAT LINE ISN'T COMING FOR EBH
COME ON WOUT
COME ON WOUT
COME oN WOUT
SERIOUSLY
FUCKING DO THIS
OM GH
?!!!!!!!~
THAT WAS TOO FUCKING AMAZING!!!
OH MY GOD THAT WAS MAGIC
Is that Taylor or the ever-present Floris Gerts coming in for BMC?
Oh my god let it be 4 seconds lead, then Wout will lead by ONE SECOND.
Ugh. Boo. They say it's two seconds. So EBH gets the jersey.
Ok, dammit that's adorable. But I wanted Wout to have it all!
Nice one Stybar!! 4th on the stage.
Ah it was Dylan Teuns for BMC earlier.
The GC has had a bit of a shakeup there.
Big groups coming in minutes later.
Is this Taylor coming in 10 minutes down??
He doesn't have his knee tape but it looks like him and it's not Rob-Taylor Partridge-Phinney.
HI WOUT!
It's really nice to win then and see all the people there.
Everyone loves riding for Team Sky in the Tour of Britain. Elia said something so cute about it the other day.
Alex is a jack of all trades.
Awwwwww Steven!!! Another day! Stay strong #3menteam!
You and I were hoping Wiggo would have a bit of a nudge. Well then you're idiots.
Vuelta Stage 18, Roa -Riaza:
I'm in love.
Social media has really been excellent in the late season.
It sounds logic. #VamosTom
Huh.
Well joining on here are 32k, sounds like a bit of a Classic Vuelta moment here, with an uncategorised climb that is actually pretty effing difficult.
JOHNNY D is there?!!?
Breakaway starting to come apart.
Mercifully. Can we get off this life coaching from Gogo?? He's talking like an idiot.
Lotto (but not Adam) goes off the front with Cyril Gautier.
Gautier alone now
This is sometimes how I feel watching this race.
Gautier onto the climb
They're really doubting Astana's tactics here. Basically calling them stupid.
Uh oh.
Maybe it has to do with these incredible retro photos??
WOAH ARU GOING CRAZY
Just went on the attack, Tom follows and so does Purito
He's pulled away with about 8 guys, also Majka there
WOAH
ARU AND TOM ALONE
Majka pulls them back together
Tom is ON HIS ASS
Aru keeps swinging around and pushing and Tom is like a magnet
Valv.Piti attacking
Chaves trying a move
He gets away but no one sort of seems to care too much
Valverde goes after him
At the front of the race, IT'S NICO
3k to the summit with 1 minute advantage
Majka and Nieve joining Chaves and Valv.Piti
Nieve goes to the front
Everyone together again
Nieve goes again but doesn't stick
Picking up all these breakaways
Aru goes again!
Tom follows no problem
You can see how different they are in size.
Nieve pulling away again
Got some distance this time.
Nico still leads, about to be joined by Zubeldia.
They have 40 seconds on whoever is behind them, then Nieve, then the favourites
Valv.Piti goes again, followed by Majka. Aru trying to bridge with Tom right on him.
It's clear to me at this point that Aru should stop trying to attack Tom Dumoulin. Hilarious!!
Valverde going again. Snooze. Fucking hell.
Favourites together.
Nieve was brought back at some point.
Nico and Haimar at the summit!
It sounds like the crowd are shouting huevo huevo huevo!
Chaves pushes ahead for the descent.
I HOPE THE BREAK STAYS AWAY DON'T MAKE ME DREAM
Charly what are you trying to tell us?
Quintana made a short attack that went nowhere during the commercial break
Under 8k for Nico and Haimar.
5k.
I mean seriously.
4k.
TOM GOING SOLOOOOOOOOO
He went to the front but now everyone's together.
OMFG can we please get #woutontinder trending.
1.5k
There may be a time bonus going for the favourites group. Obviously can't count on the GPS here but... !!!!!
800m for Nico and Haimar
Virtually a straight run in!?!! HELP
OH MY GOD NICO PLEASE
Nico is leading which is interesting...
He keeps looking back
THIS IS MAD
I could vomit
My heart is going to explode!
GO NICO NICO
HE'S SO STRONG
NICO PLEASE
!!!!!!!!!!! NICOooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE WAS BRILLIANT!
Favourites come in together, no gaps.
NICO YOU CUTIE!!!!!
Let's see it again. He's so strong!!
Nicolas! shouts the announcer.
HE IS SO PLEASED! He's like WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! as he crosses the line!
Everyone is a winner. Today, and every day in this Vuelta.
Great guy, great winner. says Juan Antonio.
With this victory, we are happy at Team Sky. We've had to fight a lot within this race. Oh Mikel!! I hope the Vuelta team is now as happy as the Tour of Britain team!!
He's a super nice guy. I don't think anyone in the peloton has a bad word to say about him. We saw him with all the tvs around him and he was just smiling.
Giant has brought the DS A-Team. Christian Guiberteau telling us about the psychologique game played today. He and Addy Engels should go on tour.
NICOOOOOO!!! Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I COULD CRY.
Is #Nicoontinder?
THE SUN SHINES ON NICO ROCHE.
Laura Meseguer is literally having to throw herself in front of cars to get these interviews.
With Haimar I was like let's go let's go let's go! Let's go all the way to the finish!
When I smiled it was cuz it actually worked!
For once I didn't mess up!
I looked to see if the shadow was coming up and I didn't want to put my hands up.
HE IS ADORABLE.
His manner of speaking is so unique and he has the most curious mix of accents.
THAT is not Tom Dumoulin.
I think I'm Vuelta Extra giddy now.
They said Tom Dumoulin and then flashed to Nairo Quintana and the visual joke was just too much.
Oh hey Dave B.
We're super happy. He's a very nice guy, very popular, very well liked.
[On Tom] He looks majestic. I think he's gonna win the race. He's a class rider.
I've never seen Dave B so happy. It's like he's been drinking. He's practically on Vuelta Extra right now.
And Wout won a stage in the Tour of Britain! He insists on telling Laura, like a proud papa.
Oh my god.
Tom waves and smiles like an adorable child. Goodbye everyone! See you tomorrow.
Is Adam planning some psychological torture?
On G perhaps?
Update: "I'll get you a copy also" is now my new favourite thing.
You said it Dan. Hearts.
Wednesday 9 September 2015
Can You Hear the Drums Fernando?
Tour of Britain Stage 3, Edinburgh - Blyth:
Not Blythe, sadly.
Okaaayyyyyyy, KILL ME. That's adorable.
Taylor was so excited to go to Scotland and it looks like it did not disappoint.
Rob Hayles' wife trolling him on twitter is hysterical.
Is it a job requirement of Team Wiggins to emulate the boss and have a face like a smacked arse?
#Kennaughtakeover was suitably hilarious. Also provided us with a glimpse of Swifty's trendy hair. Looks like he's laid off the hair gel and, to borrow a phrase from NFTO, I'm #gladofit.
Talking of NFTO... Someone's auditioning for the new season of Male Modelling with Pippo Pozzato.
A good day for us all.
Anyway, onto the race!
We've lost Petr Vakoc after yesterday's crash. He looks a bit banged up but is apparently just taking it easy in prep for the World Champs.
Without visual confirmation, we can never be sure this is accurate, but... sounds like the best breakaway EVER.
Haha! You're too late! They're already off!
Oh my god I just love DVB. They asked him a question like he was an idiot child and he was super cute and very gracious. And then he winked.
Fucking hell everyone is on top form. They're interviewing Wee Pete and he's being very serious and professional and there is some shouting from inside the bus that distracts him. Then he looks towards the door where there's an England flag hanging and goes "where's the Manx flag?" and rips it down. He attempts to continue the interview and then they close the bus door on him. JOKES.
OH SHIT. Taylor.
I'm just tryin' to have a good time and stay out of trouble.
AND NOW CHARLY ARE THEY IN MY DREAMS
He's wearing a rucksack in this interview.
Lovely man.
Some questionable commentary just then made it sound like the Queen is the current King of the Mountains.
Innnnnteresting. Danilo Wyss is only 49 seconds back and has already got some time bonuses on the road, and Matteo Trentin is 18 seconds back.
Gap is at just over 3 minutes and Movistar are chasing.
Alexxxxxxxx!
Rob/Taylor takes to the front.
Someone on Team Wiggins smiles. No doubt there will be a UCI-style fine for that.
Does Alex have a particular helmet? He's so recognisable when he's on the front.
I think he might be the only one with an aero helmet.
Oh for fucks sake, we get it Brian, you wanted Tyler to win. Don't try and suggest that Charly is some evil ogre who raced negatively and ruined everyone's dream day.
Wee Pete in his cold weather black top.
I'm not sure about this Sight Savers commercial. Not sure how we should feel about the suggestion that all blind children live lives of misery with no hope of happiness.
I think Brian Smith is a nice person but sometimes his tactical nous is really effing off.
Oh they're just gonna burn Alex out today.
Onto the last climb for the peloton.
The breakaways are onto the descent.
Alnwick Castle looks cool.
Oh they've ruined it with a Harry Potter connection.
Shoe covers coming off for OPQS.
70k to go.
Schoolchildren scream as if they're on a rollercoaster as Alex takes to the head of the peloton.
Maybe Debusschere hasn't been sprinting well because he keeps hearing the commentators say 'dee-boo-sku-rah', and he's like 'well that isn't my name, they can't be talking about me."
Sky have put some bodies towards the front.
Oh yikes the gap went up to 4'18'' in the commercial break.
Lotto and Sky have coming to give Alex a hand.
What does Brian expect Lotto to do? Just ride around not giving a shit and not trying anything in this race??
Trentin wants to talk to Danilo.
He's like I've heard Ian Stannard is on the front so start running.
Ian and Alex killin' it.
Stefan wants rid of his winter wear.
We all are, Richie!
Gap juuuuust under 3 minutes now.
I got distracted for a second, they weren't just making fun of Taylor were they?? I will kill.
Gap down to 2'26''.
Danilo goes forward and is like 'you guys comin' or what?'
Then Matteo did the same.
Hey Cav!
Taylor chillin' in the way back here.
Lobato peeing off the side there.
Hoo there's been a split in the break. Trentin, Marangoni and Wyss I'd guess.
Yeah Wyss. Those three are off the front.
45k to go.
Excellent close camera work here on our break's faces.
Cows are so unimpressed with bike races. Horses are like YEAH let's race! but cows roll their eyes and reluctantly get out the way like oh for fuck--
The three dropped have been reabsorbed, the lead three have 2 minutes 15.
Reinhardt JVR brought back just to start chasing the break he used to be in.
Gap getting under 2 minutes.
Wee Pete to the front.
Like legitimately half the size of Stannard.
Under 30k with just over a minute and a half.
Everyone everywhere is racing full tilt.
Mentioning Matteo's wins at the 'poo-two shar-EN-tez', whatever the fuck that is.
Verrrrrrry up close here, christ. Practically up Wee Pete's nostrils as he gives Frisson a bit of a tap forward. "That way!" someone shouts.
MTN getting involved in the chase now.
25k to go with a minute 20.
Under a minute as we come back from commercial, 21.5k.
Here comes the peloton round the corner
Wyss and Trentin chat and come back side by side.
Marangoni resisting a bit but they're like right there.
All together now. 16k.
Woah Ian nearly got taken out there. Andy Fenn behind was not pleased with that woman.
10k to go. Everyone just riding along in teams.
"How would you feel with Sir Brad Wiggins leading you out?" ... Confused? Brad? What are you doing near the front of a race?
Not much BMC to be seen. Playing the long game.
Attack from Cult Energy.
Stefan follows!
And takes the lead.
Brought back.
"Team" Wiggins on the front.
Cheers Brad, you're a legend. He was out there like 3 seconds, tops.
Wee Pete on the front.
3k.
Yeah, Pete is a KILLER. BOW DOWN.
Getting a bit messy here, Lotto trying a rival train as Wee Pete goes off the front.
OPQS checking around for their men.
1.5k
Into the last k, still very messy.
Lottos and Ciolek and EBH at the front
OPQS behind
MESS Mess
Greipel no!!
WHO IS THIS
CAV ?
Gaviria!?
That was insane, there were OPQSs everywhere and you couldn't tell who was even in the frame for the sprint!!
GO FERNANDO.
Man look at him go! That was mad. Greipel looked back at one point like "WHAT CAN I DO?"
He was like on a motorbike.
Awwww CAV! THAT WAS ADORABLE! He's like 8 guys back in the bunch and sits up with both arms in the air as it's happening!!
That Floris Gerts character for BMC is always up there in the end.
Well that's utterly adorable.
This is sort of mesmerising. Like I feel like I'm looking at it the same way they're looking at whatever they're looking at off camera there.
Woah what is this dramatic B-side from Lord of the Rings?? That's WAY better podium music than
Oh there it is. Heroes.
Good facial hair, guy. In a weird way he reminds me of Richard Madden.
Oh yay and Matteo got the cheese!
Taylor is the world's most adorable man. I could die.
Vuelta a Espana Stage 17, Burgos - Burgos ITT:
Right, over in Spain, Tom is already on course.
Like no pressure Tom, but I think you have to beat everyone by 45 minutes in order to remain a professional bike rider.
Oh jesus, he's catching Nieve.
Chad throwin' some shade from over there in North America.
But seriously, poor Purito is already over a minute down at the first time check.
Bait??! Sorry, I can't focus on a time trial when Bibs is searching for Turkish Delight in his pants.
Poor Purito, he's really really losing it.
Tom coming in now....
GO TOM GO
New leader (obvs) by over a minute.
Aww Nieve.
ARU IS RACING to get to the finish in 50 seconds. This is intense.
OHHHHHHHH sooooooooo close!!
BAM.
Poor Purito.
He's down on GC by 1'15'' now.
Aru is down 3 seconds on Tom.
Ummmm, we want Addy Engels. Who is this imposter DS?
He's clearly French. In a sweet way. He's ok. I'm sorry I judged him.
It will be exciting for the spectateurs he says, but not everyone is happy.
GIT THAT JERSEY TOM
Juan Antonio is REALLY EXCITED for long range attacks. He will accept nothing less.
Oh hey Tom!
He has a really disarming voice pitch.
Oh Ashley is like a proud parent with Juan Antonio here when Tom said it was 'possible' he could win.
A small gap in the bunch sprint is already three seconds! He says. So adorable.
Oh my god he is just the cutest.
Not Blythe, sadly.
Okaaayyyyyyy, KILL ME. That's adorable.
Taylor was so excited to go to Scotland and it looks like it did not disappoint.
Rob Hayles' wife trolling him on twitter is hysterical.
Is it a job requirement of Team Wiggins to emulate the boss and have a face like a smacked arse?
#Kennaughtakeover was suitably hilarious. Also provided us with a glimpse of Swifty's trendy hair. Looks like he's laid off the hair gel and, to borrow a phrase from NFTO, I'm #gladofit.
Talking of NFTO... Someone's auditioning for the new season of Male Modelling with Pippo Pozzato.
A good day for us all.
Anyway, onto the race!
We've lost Petr Vakoc after yesterday's crash. He looks a bit banged up but is apparently just taking it easy in prep for the World Champs.
Without visual confirmation, we can never be sure this is accurate, but... sounds like the best breakaway EVER.
Haha! You're too late! They're already off!
Oh my god I just love DVB. They asked him a question like he was an idiot child and he was super cute and very gracious. And then he winked.
Fucking hell everyone is on top form. They're interviewing Wee Pete and he's being very serious and professional and there is some shouting from inside the bus that distracts him. Then he looks towards the door where there's an England flag hanging and goes "where's the Manx flag?" and rips it down. He attempts to continue the interview and then they close the bus door on him. JOKES.
OH SHIT. Taylor.
I'm just tryin' to have a good time and stay out of trouble.
AND NOW CHARLY ARE THEY IN MY DREAMS
He's wearing a rucksack in this interview.
Lovely man.
Some questionable commentary just then made it sound like the Queen is the current King of the Mountains.
Innnnnteresting. Danilo Wyss is only 49 seconds back and has already got some time bonuses on the road, and Matteo Trentin is 18 seconds back.
Gap is at just over 3 minutes and Movistar are chasing.
Alexxxxxxxx!
Rob/Taylor takes to the front.
Someone on Team Wiggins smiles. No doubt there will be a UCI-style fine for that.
Does Alex have a particular helmet? He's so recognisable when he's on the front.
I think he might be the only one with an aero helmet.
Oh for fucks sake, we get it Brian, you wanted Tyler to win. Don't try and suggest that Charly is some evil ogre who raced negatively and ruined everyone's dream day.
Wee Pete in his cold weather black top.
I'm not sure about this Sight Savers commercial. Not sure how we should feel about the suggestion that all blind children live lives of misery with no hope of happiness.
I think Brian Smith is a nice person but sometimes his tactical nous is really effing off.
Oh they're just gonna burn Alex out today.
Onto the last climb for the peloton.
The breakaways are onto the descent.
Alnwick Castle looks cool.
Oh they've ruined it with a Harry Potter connection.
Shoe covers coming off for OPQS.
70k to go.
Schoolchildren scream as if they're on a rollercoaster as Alex takes to the head of the peloton.
Maybe Debusschere hasn't been sprinting well because he keeps hearing the commentators say 'dee-boo-sku-rah', and he's like 'well that isn't my name, they can't be talking about me."
Sky have put some bodies towards the front.
Oh yikes the gap went up to 4'18'' in the commercial break.
Lotto and Sky have coming to give Alex a hand.
What does Brian expect Lotto to do? Just ride around not giving a shit and not trying anything in this race??
Trentin wants to talk to Danilo.
He's like I've heard Ian Stannard is on the front so start running.
Ian and Alex killin' it.
Stefan wants rid of his winter wear.
We all are, Richie!
Gap juuuuust under 3 minutes now.
I got distracted for a second, they weren't just making fun of Taylor were they?? I will kill.
Gap down to 2'26''.
Danilo goes forward and is like 'you guys comin' or what?'
Then Matteo did the same.
Hey Cav!
Taylor chillin' in the way back here.
Lobato peeing off the side there.
Hoo there's been a split in the break. Trentin, Marangoni and Wyss I'd guess.
Yeah Wyss. Those three are off the front.
45k to go.
Excellent close camera work here on our break's faces.
Cows are so unimpressed with bike races. Horses are like YEAH let's race! but cows roll their eyes and reluctantly get out the way like oh for fuck--
The three dropped have been reabsorbed, the lead three have 2 minutes 15.
Reinhardt JVR brought back just to start chasing the break he used to be in.
Gap getting under 2 minutes.
Wee Pete to the front.
Like legitimately half the size of Stannard.
Under 30k with just over a minute and a half.
Everyone everywhere is racing full tilt.
Mentioning Matteo's wins at the 'poo-two shar-EN-tez', whatever the fuck that is.
Verrrrrrry up close here, christ. Practically up Wee Pete's nostrils as he gives Frisson a bit of a tap forward. "That way!" someone shouts.
MTN getting involved in the chase now.
25k to go with a minute 20.
Under a minute as we come back from commercial, 21.5k.
Here comes the peloton round the corner
Wyss and Trentin chat and come back side by side.
Marangoni resisting a bit but they're like right there.
All together now. 16k.
Woah Ian nearly got taken out there. Andy Fenn behind was not pleased with that woman.
10k to go. Everyone just riding along in teams.
"How would you feel with Sir Brad Wiggins leading you out?" ... Confused? Brad? What are you doing near the front of a race?
Not much BMC to be seen. Playing the long game.
Attack from Cult Energy.
Stefan follows!
And takes the lead.
Brought back.
"Team" Wiggins on the front.
Cheers Brad, you're a legend. He was out there like 3 seconds, tops.
Wee Pete on the front.
3k.
Yeah, Pete is a KILLER. BOW DOWN.
Getting a bit messy here, Lotto trying a rival train as Wee Pete goes off the front.
OPQS checking around for their men.
1.5k
Into the last k, still very messy.
Lottos and Ciolek and EBH at the front
OPQS behind
MESS Mess
Greipel no!!
WHO IS THIS
CAV ?
Gaviria!?
That was insane, there were OPQSs everywhere and you couldn't tell who was even in the frame for the sprint!!
GO FERNANDO.
Man look at him go! That was mad. Greipel looked back at one point like "WHAT CAN I DO?"
He was like on a motorbike.
Awwww CAV! THAT WAS ADORABLE! He's like 8 guys back in the bunch and sits up with both arms in the air as it's happening!!
That Floris Gerts character for BMC is always up there in the end.
Well that's utterly adorable.
This is sort of mesmerising. Like I feel like I'm looking at it the same way they're looking at whatever they're looking at off camera there.
Woah what is this dramatic B-side from Lord of the Rings?? That's WAY better podium music than
Oh there it is. Heroes.
Good facial hair, guy. In a weird way he reminds me of Richard Madden.
Oh yay and Matteo got the cheese!
Taylor is the world's most adorable man. I could die.
Vuelta a Espana Stage 17, Burgos - Burgos ITT:
Right, over in Spain, Tom is already on course.
Like no pressure Tom, but I think you have to beat everyone by 45 minutes in order to remain a professional bike rider.
Oh jesus, he's catching Nieve.
Chad throwin' some shade from over there in North America.
But seriously, poor Purito is already over a minute down at the first time check.
Bait??! Sorry, I can't focus on a time trial when Bibs is searching for Turkish Delight in his pants.
Poor Purito, he's really really losing it.
Tom coming in now....
GO TOM GO
New leader (obvs) by over a minute.
Aww Nieve.
ARU IS RACING to get to the finish in 50 seconds. This is intense.
OHHHHHHHH sooooooooo close!!
BAM.
Poor Purito.
He's down on GC by 1'15'' now.
Aru is down 3 seconds on Tom.
Ummmm, we want Addy Engels. Who is this imposter DS?
He's clearly French. In a sweet way. He's ok. I'm sorry I judged him.
It will be exciting for the spectateurs he says, but not everyone is happy.
GIT THAT JERSEY TOM
Juan Antonio is REALLY EXCITED for long range attacks. He will accept nothing less.
Oh hey Tom!
He has a really disarming voice pitch.
Oh Ashley is like a proud parent with Juan Antonio here when Tom said it was 'possible' he could win.
A small gap in the bunch sprint is already three seconds! He says. So adorable.
Oh my god he is just the cutest.
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