Tour of Britain Stage 7, Fakenham - Ipswich:
I can't believe I actually fucking jinxed it.
It isn't even consoling that Doppelgänger Rob is still around, THAT'S HOW UPSET I AM.
Alex may be in the break, which kind of helps.
But given the unreliability of twitter coverage, he may not be, and that certainly doesn't help.
Anyway.
All we know about the race so far is that there have been endless rear wheel punctures.
That and: yesterday's post-stage transfer was not popular.
Seems like a high brioche to everything else ratio.
FUCKING HELL. Cav hitting the back of that parked car is INTENSE.
Oh what a lovely man Styby is!
He's trying out the disc breaks today. Rob is concerned it may become an issue if he needs neutral service.
Oh hey Ed! He's Lanterne Rouge. Awww he's having a rough ol' time out there.
Was Tao shit-talking about Wout? Well anyway he blamed 'the rider in black' for his crash up the mountain and said it was in no way his fault. But kind of in a rude way.
Oh it's fine for MTN never to ride, even when they're in the yellow jersey, but when Garmindale does it it's a war crime.
Brian, you're showing your bias.
Puncture for EBH. #Puncturegate continues apace.
Dowsett sighting. This break is now certified.
It has 4 minutes.
Lotto Soudal leads the peloton.
Fucking hell Peloton Deer came in 47 minutes down yesterday. Which was outside the time limit but the commissaires allowed it.
Which everyone agrees was the right move but it did bring us back round to Hank's disqualification.
Yeah FUCK YOU commissaires. No one is happy that Hank got thrown off. Even Brian had some choice words.
What percentage of English bike riders are Northern? Like 99%?
1% here being Alex and Hank and Tao and maybe one other person I don't know about.
Wee time! They are choosing this leafy area to relieve themselves. We are choosing your village to piss upon.
101 on the blackboard. It's very difficult to bring this man back.
It costs 80,000 euros to go for the Hour Record?!! That is mental.
Yeah as if OPQS would leave anything to chance. They've put a couple of extra bikes with neutral service for Styby.
Constant eating today.
Alex would like a polite word with his car.
They're talking about developments in cycling, some of which are interesting, but all of which make Huw sound about 100 years old.
IAN! There will be a scrap for mountain points.
Well just one point, actually. The break will get the majority but there's a fight to the death for the one point on offer.
Why is this a good thing? I hate this man.
One Pro and Madison Genesis are all over the front trying to get this last mountain point.
IAN pokes out!
He's scooting up
Very messy!
Ah a Madison Genesis went way away.
Oh SHIT a One Pro shot round him in the end and took it off him!
Brutal.
The fight continues.
So at 17.8k to go the knives will literally be out.
This is weird.
Are they getting on an aircraft carrier?
This is bizarre.
Alex!! He needs a wheel!
Hook me up! he gestures.
Chats a bit to the mechanic as the change is made. Cheers mate, I imagine. He's very polite.
Seriously though where does this lead?
Oh shit crash!
Tao for sure, though he's up already.
Looks like BMCs on the ground...
Updates are not forthcoming.
Tao's a bit of a Warren Barguil in this race.
An airfield is such a weird place for a bike race.
It is so massive and they are so small.
They're rambling on and on and on and doing idiotic math but the basic point is:
1) the break is probably gonna be brought back before the final climb
and
2) Bibs technically could still win it.
Of course. Healing vibes, all!
Stefan and Danilo alone then. #2manteam
Awww Dylan was 5th in the GC too! Sad face.
Please stop reminding us Taylor won't be in London.
Madison Genesis chasing but it's hardly like having Ian Stannard up there is it.
It's coming down, but slowly.
Getting some finish line vibes here. Did someone switch on a mic they shouldn't have?
DVB is not immune to #puncturegate but seems to be safely back in to the group.
Referring to the incident as a crash on the airfield makes it pretty fucking dramatic.
Gap has come down to 20 seconds.
Hmmm. The two non-Dowsetts have gone off alone. Alex drops back to the peloton.
Are the on the climb? Is the sprint point at the base of the climb? This doesn't make any sense.
Cripes here they come on those two.
But even if Bibs got the maximum points Williams would win based on the count back surely?
So I officially don't care now about this competition.
What's this OPQS lurker?
It's all kicking off with these conti teams.
Williams got it so he won it outright not just on countback.
Soz Madison Genesis.
BOOM STYBY ATTACK. STRAIGHT over that mountain.
People caught napping!
Do a Strade Bianche Styby!!
He's got 10 seconds.
They are furiously chasing him.
A little group of four are coming after him
Stefan the King among others.
He's not giving up.
Bibs up and around there.
The four are caught by Lotto Soudal.
Humph. Styby caught.
The footage broke for several seconds. An obvious reaction to this.
FLY THE FLAG FOR TAYLOR-LOOKING PEOPLE.
10k to go.
A child runs alongside him.
Meh he's caught.
A single IAM at the front of a Lotto train.
7k.
Ugh if it's between Greipel and EBH I'm gonna be asleep.
What is with this shit-ass feed?! Is Taylor Partridge attacking again?
De Bie! Buzz buzz!
5k.
UH OH, Wee Pete spotted near the front... Watch out y'all!
Garmindale coming forward too
God even Brian can't say Tyler Farrar has a chance.
What's he going on about now? He is SUCH A GARMINDALE HATER.
Wee Pete to the front at 3.2k
He looks back, head down, looks back, head down...
HERE COMES YOUR SKY TRAIN!!
Like where were they hiding? That was a thing of beauty!
They just totally eclipsed Lotto, they just wiped them out.
Stannard leads us
OPQS behind the Sky train.
1.3k
FLAMME ROUGE
Three sky, Lottos, OPQS
Lottos coming forward but sky staying up
and OPQS
OPQS PULLING FORWARD
Lotto is at the front
LEADING OUT A SKY?!!?
PLEASE PLEAASE
PLEASE
VIVIANI IS ON THE SIDE GOOO
WHO GOT THAT
FUCK
WHO GOT THAT!?!?
Viviani is so sneaky please be Viviani!!!!
Let's watch again.
LOOK WHERE HE COMES FROM. Renshaw was LITERALLY boxing him in!!! He would've been like 20 bike lengths ahead without that shit.
HE DESERVES IT
GET IT
THAT IS INSANE
The photo finish doesn't help at all!
Rob Phinney rolling in.
UGHHHH.
Of COURSE it's Greipel on this let down of a day.
NO WAY!!!!! LOOK AT ELIA'S WHEEL!! I'd call it for Elia.
I demand a recount.
Renshaw is legit shoving him and Elia shoves back good on him.
Hmph.
I mean we're all biased but SERIOUSLY, they should appeal!!
LOOK AT IT.
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT IT IT'S SO OBVIOUS IT'S ELIA'S.
I'm sorry, where was Elia supposed to go???? This was not a tactical fault. Wind your neck in.
Graham Briggs brings a child up to the podium. The combativity cheese is as big as the child.
If they want me to think that Andre Greipel won, they're gonna need to stop showing that photo finish.
Well that means Elia gets to win tomorrow yeah? Let's have a Genoa reunion!!
Alex is not impressed with your map-making stills.
He is a travel mastermind.
Also, I for some reason love "I've seen a sign for Carlisle every day."
Swoony black & white. This couldn't even be improved by them pouring water over their heads.
Vuelta Stage 20, San Lorenzo de El Escorial - Cercedilla:
Lotto have helpfully brought us up to date on the Vuelta, but not exactly the news we want to hear.
Of course a Lampre leads and will probably win, because this day is shaping up to be terrible.
Who's this woman in commentary?
I am so glad I wasn't watching this terrible demise from the beginning of the stage.
(Elia, barely over the finish line, has retweeted this. SHOTS FIRED.)
I mean is it definitely over??? Could he not bring it back???
Why have they put this cruel counter on the screen!?!
DeMarchi is chasing that Lampre. I guess that's something.
Let's not start shitting on Giant right now.
That team has KILLED in a situation they NEVER anticipated being in.
And Astana is almost criminally dysfunctional. It just happened to work this one time.
(Elia is retweeting the entire internet. The road bears left.)
Lampre wins. Keeping in the spirit of the day.
(Elia is legit starting a revolution)
(If you ever wanted to be retweeted by Elia now is the time.)
(ummmmmmm. Is it?)
An indeterminate Garmindale comes in.
Looks like Moreno Moser. Was he anywhere near the front?
And another.
Alex??
Hmmmm. Aru comes in.
'Devastating' is right.
I think Aru is weeping. He might just be breathing heavily.
I mean he did fight HARD and in almost any other circumstances I'd be all for it, but TOM. LOVELY TOM.
This is painful.
Is he gonna fall off the podium??
OK. Say one more thing about the team and I will lose my shit.
Tom comes in.
Like directly behind him two Astanas holding hands and pumping fists.
Did all the feeds break because it's just too sad?
That originally said #VamosTom, which I imagine was said through tears.
All the drama that you could expect from a cycling race happened today.
Oh my god, he dropped to 6th overall.
He's being SO STOIC.
Even as they ZOOM IN ON HIS FACE.
I'd be a wreck.
(Haven't seen this angle, Lotto. #grassyknoll)
Aru, Purito, Majka, in the end.
'REAL DESOLATION'??? I do not want to see Tom's real desolation!
TURN ON THE SOUND, what's he saying??
MATT RENDLE YOU COCK.
He's not a fucking idiot child. What a jackass question.
Tomorrow I'll be proud, but for now it's just disappointment.
Just empty. Just no legs.
You just gotta deal with it. That was mental. If you were just listening to that you'd swear he was American.
Juan Antonio dreams of Sammy Sanchez. He's always in his thoughts. Also, he's rambling, and everyone has lost their minds.
The rest of this Vuelta theme is totally badass. It's just that sort of yodel-screeching bit that's suuuuuper terrible and kinda ruins the whole thing.
But that instrumental... Damn, Adam knows what he's talking about.
End of a Grand Tour here. I spy some Giro Hair.
The Tour of Britain has hardly been easy itself.
TODAY: THIS.
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