Ups & Downs

Vuelta Stage 11, Andorra la Vella - Cortals d'Encamp:

Is something going on today? It's not a big deal is it?

Oh. That.

The only way out is through.

TheBoz is grasping at straws. But still keeps the jokes comin'.

Bet being hit by a motorbike is lookin' pretty good right now. You get to eat pancakes and have FABULOUS hair.

Kindest Regards.

This is important scientific research. Ultimate Animals in Cycling Situations.

I think Eurosport just called it a 'horror day'. Certainly not a 'holiday'. That would be very very dry humour.

NBD, it's a walk in the park.

See them suffer with Juan Antonio Flecha. I'd watch that show, whatever it was.

Everyone who finishes today should get a prize.

Froomey just LOOKS like a lovely person.

Roll out, roll out!

If Quintana doesn't take it away today, can we JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM??

Little drib drabs all over the road from the off.

Not really a 'break' as such. Everyone is strung out.

Froomey?!! OH WHAT! He had quite a bit of a tumble!

Not panicking, obvs. Just spinning back up with a teammie.

He often seems to fall over, solo, in neutral zones. Very curious.

Got a Europcar and Darwin Atapuma slightly off the front here.

Froome onto the back with the stragglers here.

Iljo among them. Sad face.

UGHH is DUMOULIN A TIME TRIALIST?!! IS THAT ALL THE INFORMATION WE HAVE ABOUT HIM!!?

Davide Villella on Froome's wheel and Niki on his.

Atapuma now with a handful of others.

Froome's shouting at the motorbike in Spanish. Commentators refuse to translate. Eek.

I mean the gist (with accompanying hand gestures) was clearly 'fuck off out my face' but I guess those of us non-Spanish-speakers will never know.

Though apparently it was also blasphemous. The plot thickens.

Oh sure I guess the last word could've been 'dios'.

1 climb down, onto the descent.

Motos out. Drones in. for Froome.

That break has a lot more people in it suddenly.

TheBoz?

Awww did LareBare help a brother out there? Apparently helped Froomey move up the group.

So Froomey's in the main group of favourites, that front group with TheBoz is a minute ahead.

Onto the second climb now, Coll d'Orino.

Apologies for my misrepresentation. It's the polka dot jersey, it does look a bit like a dragon.

UNIVERSAL SPORTS COVERAGE WHERE ARE YOU I'M DYING

19 now up front. Niki falling off the back.

Only other person of vague interest up here is GeorgeBennett?

Astana leading the favourites group with Movistar behind.

Niki's in the cars, rejoining this group.

If he mentions this fucking dragon one more time I'm going to murder.

I mean, does Eurosport HATE the Vuelta?? Carlton Kirby and Sean Kelly?? THERE IS NOTHING WORSE.

Oh hey Tom. There's Tom near the back of the favourites group.

Cool rain gilets here at the back.

Getting cold out here, everyone is layering up.

Clouds look ominous but no rain yet. 26k of descent just about to come up.

The break hits the top of the climb.

Alex Howes swinging around the back here.

Nothing major on this descent, though it's long.

A couple of ungainly moves here and there but no rain and everyone is generally managing to stay upright.

The break is going out though, over 3 minutes now.

There's one guy out front but it looks like he just accidentally got out front on the descent.

Although maybe he's going for it??

Garmindale talking to the Race Director.

Niki.... adjusting himself post-pee?

Sky coming to the front in force, G chatting into the radio.

Oh Jussi, he had a rough ol' Giro didn't he? Having problems with his radio now.

Sky really taking charge.

That solo Movistar is a minute ahead of the breakaway now. Break at 4'30'' on peloton.

Puerto de la Rabassa, climb three, boom.

I'm not trying to minimize crashes or their effects, but Froome literally got straight back up and joined the group in the most calm, unworrying fashion. And it was like several hours ago.

Of course I'm forgetting that Carlton Kirby is SO FUCKING TERRIBLE all he can ever do is talk about crashes cuz he knows literally nothing about bike racing.

But seriously. SHUT UP.

Elsewhere: Bibby! Hank! Rob! McEvoyyy!

Hank didn't go on the lads holiday to Girona so you couldn't be sure he was in the frame. So yay!

Also, the greatest news about anything possibly ever: TAYLOR IS COMING!

I mean you scroll down and it's just joy upon joy.

Anyway, back in Andorra, Sky is still bossin' on the front, clearly.

Nothing has changed for several minutes. Trying to block out this inane chatter about wing mirrors.

Qui es?

Alex!

Where are you?

The back it would seem.

Hup! Attack George Bennett!

Oh there are some other guys in front of him. Guess we missed their attack.

Anyway, chasers.

Has Landa been in the break this whole time?!!

Anyway a few were kinda away but seem to have all come back together now.

That Movistar goes over the top.

And now the breakaway.

Gettin' some feedbags here as the peloton makes their way to the top of the climb.

Gilet for G.

Peloton onto the descent now.

Are those the brakes screeching??

Breakaway going forwards and backwards here. Some catching the Movistar, some being caught by Sky.

What an idiotic place for a feed zone. Obviously literally no one adhered to that.

50k, onto the Especial!

Sky still bossin'.

The break is kinda gapping all over.

TheBoz seems to have made a four-man group slightly ahead.

This weird amazing haunted looking horse was just looking over the fence at George and a Movistar.

The gap is going out, over 5 minutes now. Sky still all over the front.

The motorcycles are literally at a standstill as these bikes roll up.

Boz talking to Sicard.

Mikel Landa going away from the break?

Oh shit, here comes the rain.

Fare thee well says Christian Knees as he drops off the back. Job done and a kiss for the camera.

Dario?

Well Landa is solo out front and now Astana comes to the front. Is Lance their DS?

The rain is realllllly coming down now.

Ohhh Froomey! Struggling a bit at the back now, G keeping him company.

Ughhh they're like racing in the dark here.

NIKI?!

Niki what are you up to?

Hmmm. He's lingering up front here.

Is Groupo Froome a separate group? They look like they're on the back of the main group.

But if these graphics are to be believed he's losing a bit of time here.

Oh Moreno. In Groupo Froome.

Several Garmindale's here it would seem.

Merciful jesus Universal Sports you finally came through.

Dario is a MFing KILLER.

All of Sky has come back for Froomey.

Not Boz, obvs.

Alright 'Gogo', you're a massive downer. Go join the Eurosport team with your neg and stupid commentating.

Froomey asking for service now.

Boz lookin' like a cool Rapha advert as he straightens up and puts his glasses on before the descent.

Ah Froome. What is going on here.

Awww Medical Assistance is chatting to him. Dunno, gave him a little encouraging pat on the shoulder.

Oh jesus he's finally at his car now.

He looks depressed. Took something from the car and immediately popped it in his mouth. Like a pain pill or something.

G looks back at him.

The favourites group peaks the Especial.

Tom made it over in the group, we confirm.

Oh Froome.

Oh my good christ, I thought he was handing his bottle to G to open it for him like a weak child. But he was just passing it on.

Gilet for Froome and he and G take the descent.

They're like 3 minutes behind the main group.

It's become deeply unclear where everyone is on this descent.

Long range heli shots interspersed with unclear single-rider shots at indeterminate points on the road.

Tom is out there with a flapping gilet.

Valv.Piti with Purito somewhere, but no one knows where.

Well there's at least one person ahead of them. 2 at least.

Possible they're catching some breakaways.

Ok, there's some breakaways, Purito's group 3 minutes behind them, Tom and the favourites 54 seconds behind that, and then you know... Froomey somewhere.

Over 3 minutes back for Froome.

George Bennett looks back as Groupo Rodriguez storms up on him: Huh?

Who's the Garmin in Tom's group?

Ah it's Joe! He's been having such a difficult time I wouldn't have thought!

So wait what?

Groupo Purito pursuing the front of the race, and Aru/Chaves/Quintana Groupo pursues them? And Tom and Co. pursues them. Maybe.

Aru's group is about to latch onto Groupo Purito.

Leaders on the road are onto the climb.

Froome and G on their lonely fucking chase in nowheresville with an OGE and an MTN for company.

Nieve in Tom's group trying to get away.

Boz is totally killing it up here.

Oh hey Pierre, joined onto Groupo Froome.

They suggest Tom's group is basically on the ass of the Purito Group, but those graphics are... questionable, at best.

OH HEY. Tom gotcha!

So Boz and those few ahead, and now basically everyone else except Froome and G at 2 minutes.

WHAT THE LITERAL HELL. Tinkoff Saxo is UNDER ATTACK from Vuelta motorbikes. They've just announced that Sergio Paulinho has been hit by a motorbike and requires 17 STITCHES.

G and Froome picking up a few Garmindales on the road.

G keeps checking on his man.

They're 5 minutes behind the main group.

This is not a time for rhetorical questions. What shall we do now? (I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WE FUCKING DO).

Astana is everywhere in these front groups, but they kind of have an OPQS problem in that they always have safety in numbers and it never seems to matter.

Boz Group onto the last climb.

Of course a Lampre makes a move and tries to neutralise the whole day.

Landa follows.

Landa now leads the way solo.

Astana leads our main group but nothing coming out of that for the moment.

Aru attacks

Purito and another Katusha stay with him

Those three ahead, Valverde, Quintana, Majka, Nieve and others behind them

Tom and others behind them

Tom's trying to pull his group back

Chaves goes past him

Nieve went off the front of his group

Tom is trying to bridge to Valverde group

Tom, Chaves, Valverde and Atapuma together

Quintana has gone ahead

Oh Froome.

Bits of breakaway are being picked up but no word on the Boz.

Is there a sadder sight than G, Froomey and Wee Pierre slogging up this mountain ALONE?

Aru goes off the front of his group

Woah. That Tinkoff from the breakaway at a DEAD STOP on the climb. Brutal.

The dynamics between Aru and Landa are as fascinating as any Lance-Bertie feud. So awks.

Tom catches Quintana.

Ok surely everyone from the breakaway has now been caught. Where is Boz?

4k left for Landa up there.

Aru is really going for it here

Later Valv.Piti! Tom dropped yo ass.

I guess maybe sometime they caught and passed the Boz and nobody cared but me?

YAAAAS BOZ

He's trying to stay on Aru's wheel.

He's doing a damn fine job of it.

GO BOZ

Tom is ultra-valiant today.

Aww Boz. Aru has left him behind.

So just Aru there, chasing his own teammate further up the road. Classic Astana.

Landa hits the Flamme Rouge.

Sorry not sorry Aru, this stage is mine!

Aru hits the Flamme Rouge.

How does Landa get away with this blatant insubordination!!? Fascinating.

Here I come!!!

He cracks me up. Ballsy.

Landa takes the stage.

Here comes Aru, how do you not fucking CRACK UP.

So, so accurate.

1'22'' later Aru comes in.

BOZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

WHAT A DUDE THAT'S AMAZING

HE BEAT PURITO ON HIS OWN STAGE, among other amazing things.

Awww Tom. He lost his jersey. Not by a lot, but meh.

I guess it goes to Aru yes? That will provide a nice distraction to the subterfuge today. Landa can wave it around like a red flag to a bull.

Well there's Wee Pierre. Isn't it?

Froomey?

Oh lord he's still fighting his way up. Sans G now it would seem.

He's just hitting the Flamme Rouge. He's with a Cofidis. I mean. Things are not right right now.

Man people are going back down the mountain and Froome's just coming in.

Where is this goddamn finish, he has to be asking.

Frooomey you hero.

About 8 and half minutes down on Landa, in the end.

Sky have managed to put nearly everyone in their team in the Top 10 at some point in this race.

I mean that is mental.

OH FROOME HE'S LITERALLY HOBBLING AND LIMPING. He can't even walk.

Words from G:

I was about to get dropped myself anyway so I waited for him.

You know Froomey, he always keeps fighting.

Not a great day, but great to see Boz up there.

Tom back in white.

Oh man sometimes the inability to fully speak English really puts things across perfectly.
Ashley: How was that today?
Tom: Uhh suffering. I suffered.
Cruelty.

Well this is an offensive colour combo on Aru. Yikes.

Yeah it was a 'real demonstration' of SOMETHING by Astana.

Is he literally laughing out loud??? "We are an extraordinarily united team". THEY ARE HILARIOUS.

TheBoz has hashtag SquadGoals to rival Taylor Swift.

I mean seriously the pro peloton is exploding with love for him right now.

Annnnnnnd it just got even more fantastic.

Moreno Moser is a duuuuuuuuude.

Nico had a wee meltdown. Or, maybe not so wee.

WHAT!? The Vuelta looks AWESOME.

What the hell. Cuteness overload. This is now my actual favourite short story.