Catching up on yesterday's highlights first:
...or lowlights, as the case may be.
Oh Richie. I mean it's just a disaster, what else can you say. Just have to move on.
What nationality is Sam Bennett? This is confusing.
Ok suddenly he sounds fully Irish now but he was like legit German there for a sec.
Apparently Matti Breschel used to be a male model? This is not a joke.
There is no excuse for Shane Archbold's hair.
God that sprint was fucking cray.
Oh god poor Greipel I feel bad he thought he won...
A lot of people were excited when we got the boys back together
Those kids on the podium kill me.
I never think about to be like lion. WHAT IS THIS MAN EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS GOLD
My father is here with the car. And we put everything in the car. Is his response to WHAT'S IT LIKE WINNING ALL THE MAJOR JERSEYS OF THE SPORT.
Ok, onto today's news:
Dave went out into Limoges and bought a trivia fact book about the Tour de France, just in case.
Tell less stories about Chris Boardman and more stories about Robbie McEwan selling cows.
BOOM. Lil Tom and his combativity numbers.
Ahhhhh I knew it was Christian!
They've nicked Christian from next door to chat to us.
Sort of. I mean it is still VDV, 'chat' is maybe not the correct term.
Legitimate question: Is Cofidis in this race?
Because Bora is totes playing the Cofidis role these days, breakaway-wise.
Interesting intermediate sprint...
Etixx put like the entire team on that and then Peter just strolled by.
... Apparently today is a livelier day but...
There's no one in this break to be really gung-ho for.
We need to chill out on this EBH chat. As if Cav was EVER in his shadow.
The World Series of Darts. Come on.
Oh man break is down.
Julian Vermotte has really been crushing it lately.
Aggggh we're in mind meld! He looks like a gazelle in a museum diorama there though.
We're over Oradour-sur Glane now.
Oh man I've never seen it before actually. That was quite haunting.
Lare Bear experiences Le Tour like all of us.
Some terminology chat: Is this a 'drag' or a 'climb'? Well, sometimes its a 'false flat', sometimes it's a 'kicker'...
They've settled on drag.
20k about 25 seconds for the break.
I keep sort of forgetting what Direct Energie's game is up here.
Soz Brian Coquard.
Yeah it is weird actually we literally haven't seen any Team Sky all day.
Unless you count DanceClub DeathStar and Nico's amazing debriefs.
Woah Lars Bak not super happy there for a sec.
Oh hello Sky.
Adam Hansen KILLIN IT on the front here
He's nearly breaking away on accident.
WHEW that's some shit ass traffic furniture!
Everyone is cray
Oh John you poor soul I forgot sort of you were there.
Bernie TAKES OVER this screen, even from miles away
Downhill til 600 meters to go!?! THIS IS INSANE
I've seen nothing but thousands of bottles being thrown from every side, it's chaos.
FLAMME
INTERESTING
ETIXX IS COMING UP
god the crowds are immense
It's chaos
KATUSHA?!
GET OUT
WHO ARE YOU ETIXX
THERE ARE THREE OF THEM
WHO
IS THAT HIM??
Oh I see
Greipel?
NOT KRISTOFF NO
WHO IS UP THERE
THIS ANGLE IS USELESS
WHAT
WHO WON
WHO WON
WHAT THE
THIS IS TOO MUCH
Got to be Kittel hasn't it?
THIS IS MAD
THAT IS MAD
YOU CANNOT EVEN TELL
They've shown every possible angle and none of them are clear!
YASSSS they're giving git to Kittel
AHHH THANK GOD
Geez I never thought I'd feel sorry for Kittel but I was and they were shitting all over the Etixx train just then SO WELL DONE YOU
Oh man I think he's just dying.
I mean seriously.
Are they doing bonus seconds again? I'll have to see how I feel about that.
Seb Piquard, voice of Radio Tour, interviews Marcel!
He's a sweet man.
Are the most common words spoken in cycling: 'bit of a sketchy final'?
Tuesday 5 July 2016
Sunday 3 July 2016
Third Place is First Winner
French coverage is amazing. It's like Gerard going around talking to basically my grandad and friends of the family about the history of the town. But like broadcast all over the world, and under the guise of sports coverage.
Arthur Vichot is quite striking. He's looking at this interviewer like he doesn't speak French though.
Oh man they're talking to tiny French school children in ponchos about Thibaut Pinot and the little mini-race they ran this morning I'm dying.
C'est mignon comme tout, bravo! Gerard is all of us.
This is all killing me.
Oh man this weather. It was SO beautiful yesterday. Deceptively beautiful. Now this is classic Normandy weather.
They HAVE been saying this is like a mini-Classic today. We could totes be in Belgium right now.
LOOK AT CAV IN YELLOW
I don't like the dude but bike racers, they hardcore. And he did ride like 10 miles up a mountain with a broken leg that one time.
This break is a bit dull today.
Steeeeevvoooooo leads the way!
Burgy and his yellow shoes are there!
Weather's apparently so terrible we can only get moto images cuz the helicopters can't fly.
The Tour de France in France is lovely.
C'est la fete, c'est le Tour de France.
Not a great Tour here for Bertie so far. Another crash. He's at the side of the road looking FED UP.
FFS he's 2 minutes behind the group now.
Luke looking hard as a motherfucker.
Oh fuck! They're showing the crash from yesterday from a spectator video and IT IS MAD.
Is Purito here?
I wish this break was more exciting. Need someone to root for.
Marcel Kittel is moderately garish in that green jersey/Etixx blue shorts combo.
Nice bracelets Stevo!
BMC always look like they've fielded a larger team than everyone else.
Not that it ever seems to result in anything, like winning.
Piss time for an Etixx over there
OBVIOUSLY the Tour is sponsored by an opticians. TRES FRANCH.
Over to ITV now.
It was Michael Morkov that went down yesterday, who I didn't realise was riding for Katusha so that was some confusion. He and everyone else from that nonsense is ok and riding today.
Fuuuuuuuucking hell this asshole was leaning so far over the barriers and Hendy going 10 million miles an hour had to duck under him!!
Have I always thought that Vegard Breen is someone called Bryan Vygaard or are those two different people or is one of them made up or what the hell is going on
STILL BRINGING THE A GAME TO THE TOUR IS THE JENSIE.
You read my mind Dimension Data.
Does Matt Rendell have an actual voice condition cuz if so I'm sorry but if not it's really just really annoying sounding.
TF. Isn't Vino banned from this race or shouldn't he be FFS.
ILJOOOOOOO
Luuuuuuuuuuuke. You look so good on a bike.
The fuck is a 'dog leg sort of corner' Dave?
Dan Martin is saying it's not hard enough for him which, oh to be Dan Martin.
Bernie looks like bloody Henry the VIII here. What a stud.
Cripes I'm not a Beckett fan but The Capital of Ruins is a gorgeous turn of phrase.
Coming to the intermediate sprint here
Offfffff course, King of Intermediate Sprints Andre Greipel goes for it. And gets it.
Tony of the Square won the combativity prize yesterday. I certainly love me some Alex Howes (#JeSuisKnifeBat) but I think you gotta give that to Norman Tony.
No, Spartacus wouldn't have a mullet. This is what's coming out of commentary. After misidentifying Shane Archbold.
Bernie's on the front on the radio being a boss.
Stevo's back. Maybe he just needed a piss.
UGHHHHHH STOP MENTIONING VALVERDE.
Piss Wagon at the back. A hefty second peloton of nature-breakists catching back up. That's not a racing situation, so to speak.
Ned tries to suggest Sky haven't achieved in the Classics. Dave barely lets him finish. Liege Bastogne Liege, Wout Poels.
A Paris, bien sur.
Dave can't cope with the fact-giving aspect of commentary. You can practically hear him stretching in boredom. He describes a lighthouse. Ned says where. That lighthouse, sticking up, there, he says sassily.
So yeah wait who's the leader on Astana?
Bluuuuuuurg not Greenedge (who isn't Greenedge anymore apaz) please.
Poor Michael Morkov being so distanced and riding along alone to the finish.
Chase being organised, gap sorta dropping
HANSEEENOOOOO
Just as I was about to say this is a teensy bit boring.
BMC leading the peloton
Sort of. It's all pretty effing chaotic up here.
Not many Ks to go but still 2 climbs anyway
OOOOOOH TJ Butcher in the mix! YESSSS let's have that!
Has it started raining again?
2'41'' with just 12 kilometres left is NOT comfortable.
Jasper Stuyven goes solo. Which. Meh.
ETIXXXXX taking to the front on this climb
Froomey and G up here in safety first mode
WOUT.
Classic Richie. A puncture and he's having to have it changed by neutral service. Who is as about as good at wheel changing as I am.
Well. Who can say.
Stuyven is onto the climb now.
TJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
Butcher I mean.
GO ON THE BUTCHER
Yeah I'm sure Dan Martin is in a great position. Which he will remain in until the decisive moment has passed.
COME ON TJ BUTCHER.
KEEP YOUR FLAGS OUT OF HIS FACE
Richie Porte is engaged in his own private battle against losing time. LITERALLY HIS LIFE STORY.
Ughhhhhhhh, Stuyven. GET CAUGHT.
Oh man they're right there though.
Fine. Good. Come on.
NICE AMERICAN FLAG That thing is fucking massive.
NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON FLAMME ROUGE
Alaphillipe and Dan Martin here apparently.
This looks utterly fucking dangerous.
Swamped up finally NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON
THERE ARE LOADS OF HORRIBLE AND AMAZING PEOPLE HERE
ALAPHILLIPPE COMON
WHATS
WHO ARE YOU
MICHAEL
BLING
NO BUT PETER
ALAPHILLPE
DAMN
BUT
YAY
OH MAN ALAPHILLPE IS BANGING HIS BARS GODDAMN I AM THERE.
That was too much my heart is tense.
I think I'm happy.
I don't think Richie Porte could've possibly had a puncture at a worse moment. Oh Richie. Some people are just cursed.
Does anyone else kind of see this similarity?
Oh my fucking god Valverde was third you are all heroes for beating him.
I am very surprised I won OH MY GOD HE THOUGHT THERE WERE TWO PEOPLE STILL UP FRONT he didn't think he won!!!! I AM DYING.
PETER damn you every time!
I'm wearing very nice jersey (AND HE GESTURES AT THE WORLD CHAMPS JERSEY) but this is nice.
This man is a living legend.
Day two and Richie's Tour is pretty much over.
We all thought he was tired as he crossed the finish line cuz he didn't salute but he thought he was riding for third place!
This man is our King.
Cav is not super duper happy.
Yeah it was a beautiful day. It was a real honour to wear it. AND HE SPOKE TO FAB ABOUT IT.
Classic BMC I'm afraid.
I'm gonna use this whenever I have to own a mistake in the future: *Shrug* I have no idea about cliffs to be perfectly honest.
Hendy is a hero.
Guys it was a shit day but let's not take down national treasure Juan Antonio.
You have everything and you are everything.
Arthur Vichot is quite striking. He's looking at this interviewer like he doesn't speak French though.
Oh man they're talking to tiny French school children in ponchos about Thibaut Pinot and the little mini-race they ran this morning I'm dying.
C'est mignon comme tout, bravo! Gerard is all of us.
This is all killing me.
Oh man this weather. It was SO beautiful yesterday. Deceptively beautiful. Now this is classic Normandy weather.
They HAVE been saying this is like a mini-Classic today. We could totes be in Belgium right now.
LOOK AT CAV IN YELLOW
I don't like the dude but bike racers, they hardcore. And he did ride like 10 miles up a mountain with a broken leg that one time.
This break is a bit dull today.
Steeeeevvoooooo leads the way!
Burgy and his yellow shoes are there!
Weather's apparently so terrible we can only get moto images cuz the helicopters can't fly.
The Tour de France in France is lovely.
C'est la fete, c'est le Tour de France.
Not a great Tour here for Bertie so far. Another crash. He's at the side of the road looking FED UP.
FFS he's 2 minutes behind the group now.
Luke looking hard as a motherfucker.
Oh fuck! They're showing the crash from yesterday from a spectator video and IT IS MAD.
Is Purito here?
I wish this break was more exciting. Need someone to root for.
Marcel Kittel is moderately garish in that green jersey/Etixx blue shorts combo.
Nice bracelets Stevo!
BMC always look like they've fielded a larger team than everyone else.
Not that it ever seems to result in anything, like winning.
Piss time for an Etixx over there
OBVIOUSLY the Tour is sponsored by an opticians. TRES FRANCH.
Over to ITV now.
It was Michael Morkov that went down yesterday, who I didn't realise was riding for Katusha so that was some confusion. He and everyone else from that nonsense is ok and riding today.
Fuuuuuuuucking hell this asshole was leaning so far over the barriers and Hendy going 10 million miles an hour had to duck under him!!
Have I always thought that Vegard Breen is someone called Bryan Vygaard or are those two different people or is one of them made up or what the hell is going on
STILL BRINGING THE A GAME TO THE TOUR IS THE JENSIE.
You read my mind Dimension Data.
Does Matt Rendell have an actual voice condition cuz if so I'm sorry but if not it's really just really annoying sounding.
TF. Isn't Vino banned from this race or shouldn't he be FFS.
ILJOOOOOOO
Luuuuuuuuuuuke. You look so good on a bike.
The fuck is a 'dog leg sort of corner' Dave?
Dan Martin is saying it's not hard enough for him which, oh to be Dan Martin.
Bernie looks like bloody Henry the VIII here. What a stud.
Cripes I'm not a Beckett fan but The Capital of Ruins is a gorgeous turn of phrase.
Coming to the intermediate sprint here
Offfffff course, King of Intermediate Sprints Andre Greipel goes for it. And gets it.
Tony of the Square won the combativity prize yesterday. I certainly love me some Alex Howes (#JeSuisKnifeBat) but I think you gotta give that to Norman Tony.
No, Spartacus wouldn't have a mullet. This is what's coming out of commentary. After misidentifying Shane Archbold.
Bernie's on the front on the radio being a boss.
Stevo's back. Maybe he just needed a piss.
UGHHHHHH STOP MENTIONING VALVERDE.
Piss Wagon at the back. A hefty second peloton of nature-breakists catching back up. That's not a racing situation, so to speak.
Ned tries to suggest Sky haven't achieved in the Classics. Dave barely lets him finish. Liege Bastogne Liege, Wout Poels.
A Paris, bien sur.
Dave can't cope with the fact-giving aspect of commentary. You can practically hear him stretching in boredom. He describes a lighthouse. Ned says where. That lighthouse, sticking up, there, he says sassily.
So yeah wait who's the leader on Astana?
Bluuuuuuurg not Greenedge (who isn't Greenedge anymore apaz) please.
Poor Michael Morkov being so distanced and riding along alone to the finish.
Chase being organised, gap sorta dropping
HANSEEENOOOOO
Just as I was about to say this is a teensy bit boring.
BMC leading the peloton
Sort of. It's all pretty effing chaotic up here.
Not many Ks to go but still 2 climbs anyway
OOOOOOH TJ Butcher in the mix! YESSSS let's have that!
Has it started raining again?
2'41'' with just 12 kilometres left is NOT comfortable.
Jasper Stuyven goes solo. Which. Meh.
ETIXXXXX taking to the front on this climb
Froomey and G up here in safety first mode
WOUT.
Classic Richie. A puncture and he's having to have it changed by neutral service. Who is as about as good at wheel changing as I am.
Well. Who can say.
Stuyven is onto the climb now.
TJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
Butcher I mean.
GO ON THE BUTCHER
Yeah I'm sure Dan Martin is in a great position. Which he will remain in until the decisive moment has passed.
COME ON TJ BUTCHER.
KEEP YOUR FLAGS OUT OF HIS FACE
Richie Porte is engaged in his own private battle against losing time. LITERALLY HIS LIFE STORY.
Ughhhhhhhh, Stuyven. GET CAUGHT.
Oh man they're right there though.
Fine. Good. Come on.
NICE AMERICAN FLAG That thing is fucking massive.
NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON FLAMME ROUGE
Alaphillipe and Dan Martin here apparently.
This looks utterly fucking dangerous.
Swamped up finally NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON
THERE ARE LOADS OF HORRIBLE AND AMAZING PEOPLE HERE
ALAPHILLIPPE COMON
WHATS
WHO ARE YOU
MICHAEL
BLING
NO BUT PETER
ALAPHILLPE
DAMN
BUT
YAY
OH MAN ALAPHILLPE IS BANGING HIS BARS GODDAMN I AM THERE.
That was too much my heart is tense.
I think I'm happy.
I don't think Richie Porte could've possibly had a puncture at a worse moment. Oh Richie. Some people are just cursed.
Does anyone else kind of see this similarity?
Oh my fucking god Valverde was third you are all heroes for beating him.
I am very surprised I won OH MY GOD HE THOUGHT THERE WERE TWO PEOPLE STILL UP FRONT he didn't think he won!!!! I AM DYING.
PETER damn you every time!
I'm wearing very nice jersey (AND HE GESTURES AT THE WORLD CHAMPS JERSEY) but this is nice.
This man is a living legend.
Day two and Richie's Tour is pretty much over.
We all thought he was tired as he crossed the finish line cuz he didn't salute but he thought he was riding for third place!
This man is our King.
Cav is not super duper happy.
Yeah it was a beautiful day. It was a real honour to wear it. AND HE SPOKE TO FAB ABOUT IT.
Classic BMC I'm afraid.
I'm gonna use this whenever I have to own a mistake in the future: *Shrug* I have no idea about cliffs to be perfectly honest.
Hendy is a hero.
Guys it was a shit day but let's not take down national treasure Juan Antonio.
You have everything and you are everything.
Saturday 2 July 2016
WE MAY BE LIVING A MOMENT OF HISTORY
Dave Millar looking AS ACE as ever. It helps that he's so tall.
Froomey alongside Hanseeno. I die.
This is too much. Literally everyone who crops up on screen is THE BEST.
This is odd.
They've ridden up to Mont Saint Michel and basically, stalled.
Snazzy haircut Cav
Of course Gary Verity is there.
Yeah good luck EVERY OTHER PR TEAM. Daaaaaamn Nico!
Maybe there aren't as many other nerds out there watching from pre-Kilometer zero as I thought. I expected a bit of a burst on twitter about the Mont Saint Michel kerfuffle.
AND WE'RE OFF I COULD VOMIT
The only advertisement you need for broadcast from the start: ALEX HOWES SHOT OFF THE FRONT
Who's the Yam?
Ohhhhh Leigh Howard.
That Normandy lion is a jazzy mofo.
Tony of the Square and (formerly) of the Saur is a Norman local and possibly chasing with Alex Howes.
WOUT
David and the Chasse Patate. Maybe my cycling themed children's book.
Are these odd tactics from Paul Voss? Why is he solo out front with 150k to go?
Oh apparently he's fighting Leigh Howard to the single mountain point ahead. Right.
I must say I find Matt Rendell quite irritating.
There's something about Dave that is just like... he doesn't realise/care he's being broadcast out to the world.
He lives in Girona. He said, and you can imagine he's like scrolling through his phone not really listening to the conversation and someone says something and he's like 'oh, I've got a factoid about that'. Like a bored dude out with his mates at the pub.
Alex has joined the front group finally!
TOUR DE KEISSE I SEE YOU
Paul Voss has found himself in a race 39 kilometres long.
This is hilarious. Somehow this is all coming down to massive pressure on Jan Barta!
Bike racing is hilarious.
Excellent horse wheels in Dragey-Ronthon.
Got it in the end there Voss. Nice one. I think he's rather funny on twitter usually so well done.
Steeeeeeevooooooooooo
Iljooooooooooo
I love the new Giant kit but I can't deny it's confusing the hell out of me in the bunch.
Yeah it's an interesting team Etixx has fielded. Kittel, Dan Martin, and Alaphilippe all sort of doing different things at cross purposes.
They're kind of like a dream fantasy team but how is this gonna possibly work?
All of the above.
I like how having French contenders is like, confusing.
Le Crow is on lunch duty.
Getting cray cray here
Cannonade went nuts and now everyone's a mess.
Intermediate sprint? Crosswinds? CHAOS
Le Crow is on the horn about something
Luke Rowe is SO strong he got up there on his own and left his whole team behind.
There's no point in moving back, the rest of his team have to move up to him.
Awfully specific. But yes.
Bernie's been hit! He's out the back!
Etixx are trying to establish control
Honestly though I really really am having a visceral reaction to Matt Rendell.
DVB!
Crash in the commercial break! Bertie down and hard. Cripes! He took a BMC down!
WAHT?!!?!?!
HE TOOK LUKE DOWN!!??!
Bertie is having a problem with his shoes.
Now pedalling in his SOCKS, Ned seems scandalised.
This is mayhem
I think Rowey just went by. Whew.
Ew.
Bertie looks like he's been hit by a cannon on his shoulder.
No but this is uncanny.
FFS and Burghy went down in Bertie's crash!
Dave not as confident with the chateau knowledge as Phil and Paul. You're welcome, he mumbles out sarcastically at the end.
Ok sorry Brent, but thank god.
Order restored and it's all a bit sleepy again.
Pointe du Hoc! I SHOULD BE THERE.
I feel like if I was one of those chalk board timing people I'd defs, the odd time, just put up the sign saying "You're doing great :)"
Excellent cow maypole here in wherever we are.
DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
LMNH knows.
BACK ON THE COASTAL ROADS
Everyone is over-revving and everyone has got a terminal velocity. Dave has his own profound and dramatic way of saying statements of fact.
Welp. Here'll be the catch.
What's.
Oh it's sure helpful to have Dave in commentary. Miki Schar was messing about with a single front wheel and a bike and his gangly giraffe physicality but now at least we know why.
Tomorrow might well be a day for Van Avermaet. The title of his biography.
BMCs dangling round the back here
Ahh yeah there's Tejay that's why. Couldn't have imagined it was all for Miki Schar.
Ooooh I feel like I'm flying a drone! The helicopter leg just came into shot, very disorientating.
Alex Howes isn't going down without a fight.
Alex Howes needs a nickname but I'm waiting for inspiration.
YAAAAAAS NO MORE COMMERCIALS
But a lone fucking what looks like a pirate boat out there in the sea. Jesus I love the Tour and it's made me mental.
72 years ago there were 864 MORE boats out there, Dave reminds us.
HEDGEROWS
Normandy is just too fucking amazing.
Ah man this is too much. Those Mulberry harbours out there in the water.
Tony of the Square, LOCAL SON, is making a move!
St Mere Eglise!
Mark Cavendish has Bernie Eisel beside him and all around him. So accurate.
Alex keeps giving it a go but can't shake Norman Tony.
They've turned into the cross-tail
Kiry has such a recognisable physical presence on the bike.
Ruh-roh, Ned says Lotto-Soudal went the wrong way round that roundabout. Hendy will have something to say about that.
UGHHHHHHH KRISTOFF IS HERE?!! Don't bore this Tour to death.
This is so weird there's 8k left what are we all doing
MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY
That was intense
That camera work was so dramatic
JOHNNNNNNNNNNNN You've played quiet game and I WOULD DIE if you won!!!!
Etixx are so in control it's like beautiful to watch
Jostling back there SO MUCH OH MAN. Tony is shouldering people
This is chaos
THIS IS CHAOS
62k AN HOUR THEY'RE GOING
FLAMMMMMEEEEE
BUMPING
OH CRASH JESUS OF COURSE THERE IS
WHAT I SH HAPPENING
THERE'S LIKE NO ONE UP HERE
SAGAIN iIS SO FAR AHEAD
BUT WER"RE NOT THERE
WHAT IS
WHERE ARE WE
CAV IS THERE
WHERE IS THE FINSIH STAY UP THERE
CAVVVVVVVVVVVVVV!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FUCKING ALMOST THREW UP
Who is that if it's Bernie being so emphatic as he crosses the line I'LL DIE
Oh man I might cry.
Oh man he wanted that so much.
Oh my god that Katusha took a FUCKING BEATING. Hope he's ok.
THE CAV!!!
The third opportunity, the third one without bad luck
IS HE CRYING?!! I'M GONNA BE SICK
OH MY GOD DELILAH IS THERE
WHAT DID DADDY WIN YA
FLOWERS...
FLOWERS.
SO YOURE HAPPY
I MIGHT DIE
OH MAN THE CAVENDISH-TODDS CRYING AND FREAKING OUT IN A FIELD I AM WITH YOU
Ah man you watch that sprint back and it is cray.
OH SHIT OF COURSE HE BROUGHT DELILAH UP
SHUT UP LOOK AT HER HOLDING UP THE FLOWERS THEY'VE PRACTICED THIS
LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS SO RIGHT.
I'm dead.
They're talking to Peta and she's talking about how she made all the children cry.
She's great.
Guys nobody cares about the Giro Rosa stop trying to make the Giro Rosa happen.
You can see that wound there on his hip. You can also, very nearly, see his nuts, so maybe let's pan away here guys, this is a family show.
SO RIGHT.
Right now I am Peta Cavendish freaking out and crying and upsetting the children.
MAKE IT STOP MY HEART
Gary Imlach quite clearly just wanted to bring up cross winds so he could say 'Chris, cross-winds..'.
I'm not sure my heart will survive the TDF this year.
WHAT IS THIS EXCELLENT MUSIC AS USUAL ITV WRAP UP DAMMIT
Edit: Great post-stage analysis. Did I know we were all calling him Bertie?!?
Froomey alongside Hanseeno. I die.
This is too much. Literally everyone who crops up on screen is THE BEST.
This is odd.
They've ridden up to Mont Saint Michel and basically, stalled.
Snazzy haircut Cav
Of course Gary Verity is there.
Yeah good luck EVERY OTHER PR TEAM. Daaaaaamn Nico!
Maybe there aren't as many other nerds out there watching from pre-Kilometer zero as I thought. I expected a bit of a burst on twitter about the Mont Saint Michel kerfuffle.
AND WE'RE OFF I COULD VOMIT
The only advertisement you need for broadcast from the start: ALEX HOWES SHOT OFF THE FRONT
Who's the Yam?
Ohhhhh Leigh Howard.
That Normandy lion is a jazzy mofo.
Tony of the Square and (formerly) of the Saur is a Norman local and possibly chasing with Alex Howes.
WOUT
David and the Chasse Patate. Maybe my cycling themed children's book.
Are these odd tactics from Paul Voss? Why is he solo out front with 150k to go?
Oh apparently he's fighting Leigh Howard to the single mountain point ahead. Right.
I must say I find Matt Rendell quite irritating.
There's something about Dave that is just like... he doesn't realise/care he's being broadcast out to the world.
He lives in Girona. He said, and you can imagine he's like scrolling through his phone not really listening to the conversation and someone says something and he's like 'oh, I've got a factoid about that'. Like a bored dude out with his mates at the pub.
Alex has joined the front group finally!
TOUR DE KEISSE I SEE YOU
Paul Voss has found himself in a race 39 kilometres long.
This is hilarious. Somehow this is all coming down to massive pressure on Jan Barta!
Bike racing is hilarious.
Excellent horse wheels in Dragey-Ronthon.
Got it in the end there Voss. Nice one. I think he's rather funny on twitter usually so well done.
Steeeeeeevooooooooooo
Iljooooooooooo
I love the new Giant kit but I can't deny it's confusing the hell out of me in the bunch.
Yeah it's an interesting team Etixx has fielded. Kittel, Dan Martin, and Alaphilippe all sort of doing different things at cross purposes.
They're kind of like a dream fantasy team but how is this gonna possibly work?
All of the above.
I like how having French contenders is like, confusing.
Le Crow is on lunch duty.
Getting cray cray here
Cannonade went nuts and now everyone's a mess.
Intermediate sprint? Crosswinds? CHAOS
Le Crow is on the horn about something
Luke Rowe is SO strong he got up there on his own and left his whole team behind.
There's no point in moving back, the rest of his team have to move up to him.
Awfully specific. But yes.
Bernie's been hit! He's out the back!
Etixx are trying to establish control
Honestly though I really really am having a visceral reaction to Matt Rendell.
DVB!
Crash in the commercial break! Bertie down and hard. Cripes! He took a BMC down!
WAHT?!!?!?!
HE TOOK LUKE DOWN!!??!
Bertie is having a problem with his shoes.
Now pedalling in his SOCKS, Ned seems scandalised.
This is mayhem
I think Rowey just went by. Whew.
Ew.
Bertie looks like he's been hit by a cannon on his shoulder.
No but this is uncanny.
FFS and Burghy went down in Bertie's crash!
Dave not as confident with the chateau knowledge as Phil and Paul. You're welcome, he mumbles out sarcastically at the end.
Ok sorry Brent, but thank god.
Order restored and it's all a bit sleepy again.
Pointe du Hoc! I SHOULD BE THERE.
I feel like if I was one of those chalk board timing people I'd defs, the odd time, just put up the sign saying "You're doing great :)"
Excellent cow maypole here in wherever we are.
DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
LMNH knows.
BACK ON THE COASTAL ROADS
Everyone is over-revving and everyone has got a terminal velocity. Dave has his own profound and dramatic way of saying statements of fact.
Welp. Here'll be the catch.
What's.
Oh it's sure helpful to have Dave in commentary. Miki Schar was messing about with a single front wheel and a bike and his gangly giraffe physicality but now at least we know why.
Tomorrow might well be a day for Van Avermaet. The title of his biography.
BMCs dangling round the back here
Ahh yeah there's Tejay that's why. Couldn't have imagined it was all for Miki Schar.
Ooooh I feel like I'm flying a drone! The helicopter leg just came into shot, very disorientating.
Alex Howes isn't going down without a fight.
Alex Howes needs a nickname but I'm waiting for inspiration.
YAAAAAAS NO MORE COMMERCIALS
But a lone fucking what looks like a pirate boat out there in the sea. Jesus I love the Tour and it's made me mental.
72 years ago there were 864 MORE boats out there, Dave reminds us.
HEDGEROWS
Normandy is just too fucking amazing.
Ah man this is too much. Those Mulberry harbours out there in the water.
Tony of the Square, LOCAL SON, is making a move!
St Mere Eglise!
Mark Cavendish has Bernie Eisel beside him and all around him. So accurate.
Alex keeps giving it a go but can't shake Norman Tony.
They've turned into the cross-tail
Kiry has such a recognisable physical presence on the bike.
Ruh-roh, Ned says Lotto-Soudal went the wrong way round that roundabout. Hendy will have something to say about that.
UGHHHHHHH KRISTOFF IS HERE?!! Don't bore this Tour to death.
This is so weird there's 8k left what are we all doing
MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY
That was intense
That camera work was so dramatic
JOHNNNNNNNNNNNN You've played quiet game and I WOULD DIE if you won!!!!
Etixx are so in control it's like beautiful to watch
Jostling back there SO MUCH OH MAN. Tony is shouldering people
This is chaos
THIS IS CHAOS
62k AN HOUR THEY'RE GOING
FLAMMMMMEEEEE
BUMPING
OH CRASH JESUS OF COURSE THERE IS
WHAT I SH HAPPENING
THERE'S LIKE NO ONE UP HERE
SAGAIN iIS SO FAR AHEAD
BUT WER"RE NOT THERE
WHAT IS
WHERE ARE WE
CAV IS THERE
WHERE IS THE FINSIH STAY UP THERE
CAVVVVVVVVVVVVVV!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FUCKING ALMOST THREW UP
Who is that if it's Bernie being so emphatic as he crosses the line I'LL DIE
Oh man I might cry.
Oh man he wanted that so much.
Oh my god that Katusha took a FUCKING BEATING. Hope he's ok.
THE CAV!!!
The third opportunity, the third one without bad luck
IS HE CRYING?!! I'M GONNA BE SICK
OH MY GOD DELILAH IS THERE
WHAT DID DADDY WIN YA
FLOWERS...
FLOWERS.
SO YOURE HAPPY
I MIGHT DIE
OH MAN THE CAVENDISH-TODDS CRYING AND FREAKING OUT IN A FIELD I AM WITH YOU
Ah man you watch that sprint back and it is cray.
OH SHIT OF COURSE HE BROUGHT DELILAH UP
SHUT UP LOOK AT HER HOLDING UP THE FLOWERS THEY'VE PRACTICED THIS
LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS SO RIGHT.
I'm dead.
They're talking to Peta and she's talking about how she made all the children cry.
She's great.
Guys nobody cares about the Giro Rosa stop trying to make the Giro Rosa happen.
You can see that wound there on his hip. You can also, very nearly, see his nuts, so maybe let's pan away here guys, this is a family show.
SO RIGHT.
Right now I am Peta Cavendish freaking out and crying and upsetting the children.
MAKE IT STOP MY HEART
Gary Imlach quite clearly just wanted to bring up cross winds so he could say 'Chris, cross-winds..'.
I'm not sure my heart will survive the TDF this year.
WHAT IS THIS EXCELLENT MUSIC AS USUAL ITV WRAP UP DAMMIT
Edit: Great post-stage analysis. Did I know we were all calling him Bertie?!?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)