Catching up on yesterday's highlights first:
...or lowlights, as the case may be.
Oh Richie. I mean it's just a disaster, what else can you say. Just have to move on.
What nationality is Sam Bennett? This is confusing.
Ok suddenly he sounds fully Irish now but he was like legit German there for a sec.
Apparently Matti Breschel used to be a male model? This is not a joke.
There is no excuse for Shane Archbold's hair.
God that sprint was fucking cray.
Oh god poor Greipel I feel bad he thought he won...
A lot of people were excited when we got the boys back together
Those kids on the podium kill me.
I never think about to be like lion. WHAT IS THIS MAN EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS GOLD
My father is here with the car. And we put everything in the car. Is his response to WHAT'S IT LIKE WINNING ALL THE MAJOR JERSEYS OF THE SPORT.
Ok, onto today's news:
Dave went out into Limoges and bought a trivia fact book about the Tour de France, just in case.
Tell less stories about Chris Boardman and more stories about Robbie McEwan selling cows.
BOOM. Lil Tom and his combativity numbers.
Ahhhhh I knew it was Christian!
They've nicked Christian from next door to chat to us.
Sort of. I mean it is still VDV, 'chat' is maybe not the correct term.
Legitimate question: Is Cofidis in this race?
Because Bora is totes playing the Cofidis role these days, breakaway-wise.
Interesting intermediate sprint...
Etixx put like the entire team on that and then Peter just strolled by.
... Apparently today is a livelier day but...
There's no one in this break to be really gung-ho for.
We need to chill out on this EBH chat. As if Cav was EVER in his shadow.
The World Series of Darts. Come on.
Oh man break is down.
Julian Vermotte has really been crushing it lately.
Aggggh we're in mind meld! He looks like a gazelle in a museum diorama there though.
We're over Oradour-sur Glane now.
Oh man I've never seen it before actually. That was quite haunting.
Lare Bear experiences Le Tour like all of us.
Some terminology chat: Is this a 'drag' or a 'climb'? Well, sometimes its a 'false flat', sometimes it's a 'kicker'...
They've settled on drag.
20k about 25 seconds for the break.
I keep sort of forgetting what Direct Energie's game is up here.
Soz Brian Coquard.
Yeah it is weird actually we literally haven't seen any Team Sky all day.
Unless you count DanceClub DeathStar and Nico's amazing debriefs.
Woah Lars Bak not super happy there for a sec.
Oh hello Sky.
Adam Hansen KILLIN IT on the front here
He's nearly breaking away on accident.
WHEW that's some shit ass traffic furniture!
Everyone is cray
Oh John you poor soul I forgot sort of you were there.
Bernie TAKES OVER this screen, even from miles away
Downhill til 600 meters to go!?! THIS IS INSANE
I've seen nothing but thousands of bottles being thrown from every side, it's chaos.
FLAMME
INTERESTING
ETIXX IS COMING UP
god the crowds are immense
It's chaos
KATUSHA?!
GET OUT
WHO ARE YOU ETIXX
THERE ARE THREE OF THEM
WHO
IS THAT HIM??
Oh I see
Greipel?
NOT KRISTOFF NO
WHO IS UP THERE
THIS ANGLE IS USELESS
WHAT
WHO WON
WHO WON
WHAT THE
THIS IS TOO MUCH
Got to be Kittel hasn't it?
THIS IS MAD
THAT IS MAD
YOU CANNOT EVEN TELL
They've shown every possible angle and none of them are clear!
YASSSS they're giving git to Kittel
AHHH THANK GOD
Geez I never thought I'd feel sorry for Kittel but I was and they were shitting all over the Etixx train just then SO WELL DONE YOU
Oh man I think he's just dying.
I mean seriously.
Are they doing bonus seconds again? I'll have to see how I feel about that.
Seb Piquard, voice of Radio Tour, interviews Marcel!
He's a sweet man.
Are the most common words spoken in cycling: 'bit of a sketchy final'?
Tuesday 5 July 2016
Sunday 3 July 2016
Third Place is First Winner
French coverage is amazing. It's like Gerard going around talking to basically my grandad and friends of the family about the history of the town. But like broadcast all over the world, and under the guise of sports coverage.
Arthur Vichot is quite striking. He's looking at this interviewer like he doesn't speak French though.
Oh man they're talking to tiny French school children in ponchos about Thibaut Pinot and the little mini-race they ran this morning I'm dying.
C'est mignon comme tout, bravo! Gerard is all of us.
This is all killing me.
Oh man this weather. It was SO beautiful yesterday. Deceptively beautiful. Now this is classic Normandy weather.
They HAVE been saying this is like a mini-Classic today. We could totes be in Belgium right now.
LOOK AT CAV IN YELLOW
I don't like the dude but bike racers, they hardcore. And he did ride like 10 miles up a mountain with a broken leg that one time.
This break is a bit dull today.
Steeeeevvoooooo leads the way!
Burgy and his yellow shoes are there!
Weather's apparently so terrible we can only get moto images cuz the helicopters can't fly.
The Tour de France in France is lovely.
C'est la fete, c'est le Tour de France.
Not a great Tour here for Bertie so far. Another crash. He's at the side of the road looking FED UP.
FFS he's 2 minutes behind the group now.
Luke looking hard as a motherfucker.
Oh fuck! They're showing the crash from yesterday from a spectator video and IT IS MAD.
Is Purito here?
I wish this break was more exciting. Need someone to root for.
Marcel Kittel is moderately garish in that green jersey/Etixx blue shorts combo.
Nice bracelets Stevo!
BMC always look like they've fielded a larger team than everyone else.
Not that it ever seems to result in anything, like winning.
Piss time for an Etixx over there
OBVIOUSLY the Tour is sponsored by an opticians. TRES FRANCH.
Over to ITV now.
It was Michael Morkov that went down yesterday, who I didn't realise was riding for Katusha so that was some confusion. He and everyone else from that nonsense is ok and riding today.
Fuuuuuuuucking hell this asshole was leaning so far over the barriers and Hendy going 10 million miles an hour had to duck under him!!
Have I always thought that Vegard Breen is someone called Bryan Vygaard or are those two different people or is one of them made up or what the hell is going on
STILL BRINGING THE A GAME TO THE TOUR IS THE JENSIE.
You read my mind Dimension Data.
Does Matt Rendell have an actual voice condition cuz if so I'm sorry but if not it's really just really annoying sounding.
TF. Isn't Vino banned from this race or shouldn't he be FFS.
ILJOOOOOOO
Luuuuuuuuuuuke. You look so good on a bike.
The fuck is a 'dog leg sort of corner' Dave?
Dan Martin is saying it's not hard enough for him which, oh to be Dan Martin.
Bernie looks like bloody Henry the VIII here. What a stud.
Cripes I'm not a Beckett fan but The Capital of Ruins is a gorgeous turn of phrase.
Coming to the intermediate sprint here
Offfffff course, King of Intermediate Sprints Andre Greipel goes for it. And gets it.
Tony of the Square won the combativity prize yesterday. I certainly love me some Alex Howes (#JeSuisKnifeBat) but I think you gotta give that to Norman Tony.
No, Spartacus wouldn't have a mullet. This is what's coming out of commentary. After misidentifying Shane Archbold.
Bernie's on the front on the radio being a boss.
Stevo's back. Maybe he just needed a piss.
UGHHHHHH STOP MENTIONING VALVERDE.
Piss Wagon at the back. A hefty second peloton of nature-breakists catching back up. That's not a racing situation, so to speak.
Ned tries to suggest Sky haven't achieved in the Classics. Dave barely lets him finish. Liege Bastogne Liege, Wout Poels.
A Paris, bien sur.
Dave can't cope with the fact-giving aspect of commentary. You can practically hear him stretching in boredom. He describes a lighthouse. Ned says where. That lighthouse, sticking up, there, he says sassily.
So yeah wait who's the leader on Astana?
Bluuuuuuurg not Greenedge (who isn't Greenedge anymore apaz) please.
Poor Michael Morkov being so distanced and riding along alone to the finish.
Chase being organised, gap sorta dropping
HANSEEENOOOOO
Just as I was about to say this is a teensy bit boring.
BMC leading the peloton
Sort of. It's all pretty effing chaotic up here.
Not many Ks to go but still 2 climbs anyway
OOOOOOH TJ Butcher in the mix! YESSSS let's have that!
Has it started raining again?
2'41'' with just 12 kilometres left is NOT comfortable.
Jasper Stuyven goes solo. Which. Meh.
ETIXXXXX taking to the front on this climb
Froomey and G up here in safety first mode
WOUT.
Classic Richie. A puncture and he's having to have it changed by neutral service. Who is as about as good at wheel changing as I am.
Well. Who can say.
Stuyven is onto the climb now.
TJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
Butcher I mean.
GO ON THE BUTCHER
Yeah I'm sure Dan Martin is in a great position. Which he will remain in until the decisive moment has passed.
COME ON TJ BUTCHER.
KEEP YOUR FLAGS OUT OF HIS FACE
Richie Porte is engaged in his own private battle against losing time. LITERALLY HIS LIFE STORY.
Ughhhhhhhh, Stuyven. GET CAUGHT.
Oh man they're right there though.
Fine. Good. Come on.
NICE AMERICAN FLAG That thing is fucking massive.
NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON FLAMME ROUGE
Alaphillipe and Dan Martin here apparently.
This looks utterly fucking dangerous.
Swamped up finally NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON
THERE ARE LOADS OF HORRIBLE AND AMAZING PEOPLE HERE
ALAPHILLIPPE COMON
WHATS
WHO ARE YOU
MICHAEL
BLING
NO BUT PETER
ALAPHILLPE
DAMN
BUT
YAY
OH MAN ALAPHILLPE IS BANGING HIS BARS GODDAMN I AM THERE.
That was too much my heart is tense.
I think I'm happy.
I don't think Richie Porte could've possibly had a puncture at a worse moment. Oh Richie. Some people are just cursed.
Does anyone else kind of see this similarity?
Oh my fucking god Valverde was third you are all heroes for beating him.
I am very surprised I won OH MY GOD HE THOUGHT THERE WERE TWO PEOPLE STILL UP FRONT he didn't think he won!!!! I AM DYING.
PETER damn you every time!
I'm wearing very nice jersey (AND HE GESTURES AT THE WORLD CHAMPS JERSEY) but this is nice.
This man is a living legend.
Day two and Richie's Tour is pretty much over.
We all thought he was tired as he crossed the finish line cuz he didn't salute but he thought he was riding for third place!
This man is our King.
Cav is not super duper happy.
Yeah it was a beautiful day. It was a real honour to wear it. AND HE SPOKE TO FAB ABOUT IT.
Classic BMC I'm afraid.
I'm gonna use this whenever I have to own a mistake in the future: *Shrug* I have no idea about cliffs to be perfectly honest.
Hendy is a hero.
Guys it was a shit day but let's not take down national treasure Juan Antonio.
You have everything and you are everything.
Arthur Vichot is quite striking. He's looking at this interviewer like he doesn't speak French though.
Oh man they're talking to tiny French school children in ponchos about Thibaut Pinot and the little mini-race they ran this morning I'm dying.
C'est mignon comme tout, bravo! Gerard is all of us.
This is all killing me.
Oh man this weather. It was SO beautiful yesterday. Deceptively beautiful. Now this is classic Normandy weather.
They HAVE been saying this is like a mini-Classic today. We could totes be in Belgium right now.
LOOK AT CAV IN YELLOW
I don't like the dude but bike racers, they hardcore. And he did ride like 10 miles up a mountain with a broken leg that one time.
This break is a bit dull today.
Steeeeevvoooooo leads the way!
Burgy and his yellow shoes are there!
Weather's apparently so terrible we can only get moto images cuz the helicopters can't fly.
The Tour de France in France is lovely.
C'est la fete, c'est le Tour de France.
Not a great Tour here for Bertie so far. Another crash. He's at the side of the road looking FED UP.
FFS he's 2 minutes behind the group now.
Luke looking hard as a motherfucker.
Oh fuck! They're showing the crash from yesterday from a spectator video and IT IS MAD.
Is Purito here?
I wish this break was more exciting. Need someone to root for.
Marcel Kittel is moderately garish in that green jersey/Etixx blue shorts combo.
Nice bracelets Stevo!
BMC always look like they've fielded a larger team than everyone else.
Not that it ever seems to result in anything, like winning.
Piss time for an Etixx over there
OBVIOUSLY the Tour is sponsored by an opticians. TRES FRANCH.
Over to ITV now.
It was Michael Morkov that went down yesterday, who I didn't realise was riding for Katusha so that was some confusion. He and everyone else from that nonsense is ok and riding today.
Fuuuuuuuucking hell this asshole was leaning so far over the barriers and Hendy going 10 million miles an hour had to duck under him!!
Have I always thought that Vegard Breen is someone called Bryan Vygaard or are those two different people or is one of them made up or what the hell is going on
STILL BRINGING THE A GAME TO THE TOUR IS THE JENSIE.
You read my mind Dimension Data.
Does Matt Rendell have an actual voice condition cuz if so I'm sorry but if not it's really just really annoying sounding.
TF. Isn't Vino banned from this race or shouldn't he be FFS.
ILJOOOOOOO
Luuuuuuuuuuuke. You look so good on a bike.
The fuck is a 'dog leg sort of corner' Dave?
Dan Martin is saying it's not hard enough for him which, oh to be Dan Martin.
Bernie looks like bloody Henry the VIII here. What a stud.
Cripes I'm not a Beckett fan but The Capital of Ruins is a gorgeous turn of phrase.
Coming to the intermediate sprint here
Offfffff course, King of Intermediate Sprints Andre Greipel goes for it. And gets it.
Tony of the Square won the combativity prize yesterday. I certainly love me some Alex Howes (#JeSuisKnifeBat) but I think you gotta give that to Norman Tony.
No, Spartacus wouldn't have a mullet. This is what's coming out of commentary. After misidentifying Shane Archbold.
Bernie's on the front on the radio being a boss.
Stevo's back. Maybe he just needed a piss.
UGHHHHHH STOP MENTIONING VALVERDE.
Piss Wagon at the back. A hefty second peloton of nature-breakists catching back up. That's not a racing situation, so to speak.
Ned tries to suggest Sky haven't achieved in the Classics. Dave barely lets him finish. Liege Bastogne Liege, Wout Poels.
A Paris, bien sur.
Dave can't cope with the fact-giving aspect of commentary. You can practically hear him stretching in boredom. He describes a lighthouse. Ned says where. That lighthouse, sticking up, there, he says sassily.
So yeah wait who's the leader on Astana?
Bluuuuuuurg not Greenedge (who isn't Greenedge anymore apaz) please.
Poor Michael Morkov being so distanced and riding along alone to the finish.
Chase being organised, gap sorta dropping
HANSEEENOOOOO
Just as I was about to say this is a teensy bit boring.
BMC leading the peloton
Sort of. It's all pretty effing chaotic up here.
Not many Ks to go but still 2 climbs anyway
OOOOOOH TJ Butcher in the mix! YESSSS let's have that!
Has it started raining again?
2'41'' with just 12 kilometres left is NOT comfortable.
Jasper Stuyven goes solo. Which. Meh.
ETIXXXXX taking to the front on this climb
Froomey and G up here in safety first mode
WOUT.
Classic Richie. A puncture and he's having to have it changed by neutral service. Who is as about as good at wheel changing as I am.
Well. Who can say.
Stuyven is onto the climb now.
TJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
Butcher I mean.
GO ON THE BUTCHER
Yeah I'm sure Dan Martin is in a great position. Which he will remain in until the decisive moment has passed.
COME ON TJ BUTCHER.
KEEP YOUR FLAGS OUT OF HIS FACE
Richie Porte is engaged in his own private battle against losing time. LITERALLY HIS LIFE STORY.
Ughhhhhhhh, Stuyven. GET CAUGHT.
Oh man they're right there though.
Fine. Good. Come on.
NICE AMERICAN FLAG That thing is fucking massive.
NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON FLAMME ROUGE
Alaphillipe and Dan Martin here apparently.
This looks utterly fucking dangerous.
Swamped up finally NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON
THERE ARE LOADS OF HORRIBLE AND AMAZING PEOPLE HERE
ALAPHILLIPPE COMON
WHATS
WHO ARE YOU
MICHAEL
BLING
NO BUT PETER
ALAPHILLPE
DAMN
BUT
YAY
OH MAN ALAPHILLPE IS BANGING HIS BARS GODDAMN I AM THERE.
That was too much my heart is tense.
I think I'm happy.
I don't think Richie Porte could've possibly had a puncture at a worse moment. Oh Richie. Some people are just cursed.
Does anyone else kind of see this similarity?
Oh my fucking god Valverde was third you are all heroes for beating him.
I am very surprised I won OH MY GOD HE THOUGHT THERE WERE TWO PEOPLE STILL UP FRONT he didn't think he won!!!! I AM DYING.
PETER damn you every time!
I'm wearing very nice jersey (AND HE GESTURES AT THE WORLD CHAMPS JERSEY) but this is nice.
This man is a living legend.
Day two and Richie's Tour is pretty much over.
We all thought he was tired as he crossed the finish line cuz he didn't salute but he thought he was riding for third place!
This man is our King.
Cav is not super duper happy.
Yeah it was a beautiful day. It was a real honour to wear it. AND HE SPOKE TO FAB ABOUT IT.
Classic BMC I'm afraid.
I'm gonna use this whenever I have to own a mistake in the future: *Shrug* I have no idea about cliffs to be perfectly honest.
Hendy is a hero.
Guys it was a shit day but let's not take down national treasure Juan Antonio.
You have everything and you are everything.
Saturday 2 July 2016
WE MAY BE LIVING A MOMENT OF HISTORY
Dave Millar looking AS ACE as ever. It helps that he's so tall.
Froomey alongside Hanseeno. I die.
This is too much. Literally everyone who crops up on screen is THE BEST.
This is odd.
They've ridden up to Mont Saint Michel and basically, stalled.
Snazzy haircut Cav
Of course Gary Verity is there.
Yeah good luck EVERY OTHER PR TEAM. Daaaaaamn Nico!
Maybe there aren't as many other nerds out there watching from pre-Kilometer zero as I thought. I expected a bit of a burst on twitter about the Mont Saint Michel kerfuffle.
AND WE'RE OFF I COULD VOMIT
The only advertisement you need for broadcast from the start: ALEX HOWES SHOT OFF THE FRONT
Who's the Yam?
Ohhhhh Leigh Howard.
That Normandy lion is a jazzy mofo.
Tony of the Square and (formerly) of the Saur is a Norman local and possibly chasing with Alex Howes.
WOUT
David and the Chasse Patate. Maybe my cycling themed children's book.
Are these odd tactics from Paul Voss? Why is he solo out front with 150k to go?
Oh apparently he's fighting Leigh Howard to the single mountain point ahead. Right.
I must say I find Matt Rendell quite irritating.
There's something about Dave that is just like... he doesn't realise/care he's being broadcast out to the world.
He lives in Girona. He said, and you can imagine he's like scrolling through his phone not really listening to the conversation and someone says something and he's like 'oh, I've got a factoid about that'. Like a bored dude out with his mates at the pub.
Alex has joined the front group finally!
TOUR DE KEISSE I SEE YOU
Paul Voss has found himself in a race 39 kilometres long.
This is hilarious. Somehow this is all coming down to massive pressure on Jan Barta!
Bike racing is hilarious.
Excellent horse wheels in Dragey-Ronthon.
Got it in the end there Voss. Nice one. I think he's rather funny on twitter usually so well done.
Steeeeeeevooooooooooo
Iljooooooooooo
I love the new Giant kit but I can't deny it's confusing the hell out of me in the bunch.
Yeah it's an interesting team Etixx has fielded. Kittel, Dan Martin, and Alaphilippe all sort of doing different things at cross purposes.
They're kind of like a dream fantasy team but how is this gonna possibly work?
All of the above.
I like how having French contenders is like, confusing.
Le Crow is on lunch duty.
Getting cray cray here
Cannonade went nuts and now everyone's a mess.
Intermediate sprint? Crosswinds? CHAOS
Le Crow is on the horn about something
Luke Rowe is SO strong he got up there on his own and left his whole team behind.
There's no point in moving back, the rest of his team have to move up to him.
Awfully specific. But yes.
Bernie's been hit! He's out the back!
Etixx are trying to establish control
Honestly though I really really am having a visceral reaction to Matt Rendell.
DVB!
Crash in the commercial break! Bertie down and hard. Cripes! He took a BMC down!
WAHT?!!?!?!
HE TOOK LUKE DOWN!!??!
Bertie is having a problem with his shoes.
Now pedalling in his SOCKS, Ned seems scandalised.
This is mayhem
I think Rowey just went by. Whew.
Ew.
Bertie looks like he's been hit by a cannon on his shoulder.
No but this is uncanny.
FFS and Burghy went down in Bertie's crash!
Dave not as confident with the chateau knowledge as Phil and Paul. You're welcome, he mumbles out sarcastically at the end.
Ok sorry Brent, but thank god.
Order restored and it's all a bit sleepy again.
Pointe du Hoc! I SHOULD BE THERE.
I feel like if I was one of those chalk board timing people I'd defs, the odd time, just put up the sign saying "You're doing great :)"
Excellent cow maypole here in wherever we are.
DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
LMNH knows.
BACK ON THE COASTAL ROADS
Everyone is over-revving and everyone has got a terminal velocity. Dave has his own profound and dramatic way of saying statements of fact.
Welp. Here'll be the catch.
What's.
Oh it's sure helpful to have Dave in commentary. Miki Schar was messing about with a single front wheel and a bike and his gangly giraffe physicality but now at least we know why.
Tomorrow might well be a day for Van Avermaet. The title of his biography.
BMCs dangling round the back here
Ahh yeah there's Tejay that's why. Couldn't have imagined it was all for Miki Schar.
Ooooh I feel like I'm flying a drone! The helicopter leg just came into shot, very disorientating.
Alex Howes isn't going down without a fight.
Alex Howes needs a nickname but I'm waiting for inspiration.
YAAAAAAS NO MORE COMMERCIALS
But a lone fucking what looks like a pirate boat out there in the sea. Jesus I love the Tour and it's made me mental.
72 years ago there were 864 MORE boats out there, Dave reminds us.
HEDGEROWS
Normandy is just too fucking amazing.
Ah man this is too much. Those Mulberry harbours out there in the water.
Tony of the Square, LOCAL SON, is making a move!
St Mere Eglise!
Mark Cavendish has Bernie Eisel beside him and all around him. So accurate.
Alex keeps giving it a go but can't shake Norman Tony.
They've turned into the cross-tail
Kiry has such a recognisable physical presence on the bike.
Ruh-roh, Ned says Lotto-Soudal went the wrong way round that roundabout. Hendy will have something to say about that.
UGHHHHHHH KRISTOFF IS HERE?!! Don't bore this Tour to death.
This is so weird there's 8k left what are we all doing
MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY
That was intense
That camera work was so dramatic
JOHNNNNNNNNNNNN You've played quiet game and I WOULD DIE if you won!!!!
Etixx are so in control it's like beautiful to watch
Jostling back there SO MUCH OH MAN. Tony is shouldering people
This is chaos
THIS IS CHAOS
62k AN HOUR THEY'RE GOING
FLAMMMMMEEEEE
BUMPING
OH CRASH JESUS OF COURSE THERE IS
WHAT I SH HAPPENING
THERE'S LIKE NO ONE UP HERE
SAGAIN iIS SO FAR AHEAD
BUT WER"RE NOT THERE
WHAT IS
WHERE ARE WE
CAV IS THERE
WHERE IS THE FINSIH STAY UP THERE
CAVVVVVVVVVVVVVV!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FUCKING ALMOST THREW UP
Who is that if it's Bernie being so emphatic as he crosses the line I'LL DIE
Oh man I might cry.
Oh man he wanted that so much.
Oh my god that Katusha took a FUCKING BEATING. Hope he's ok.
THE CAV!!!
The third opportunity, the third one without bad luck
IS HE CRYING?!! I'M GONNA BE SICK
OH MY GOD DELILAH IS THERE
WHAT DID DADDY WIN YA
FLOWERS...
FLOWERS.
SO YOURE HAPPY
I MIGHT DIE
OH MAN THE CAVENDISH-TODDS CRYING AND FREAKING OUT IN A FIELD I AM WITH YOU
Ah man you watch that sprint back and it is cray.
OH SHIT OF COURSE HE BROUGHT DELILAH UP
SHUT UP LOOK AT HER HOLDING UP THE FLOWERS THEY'VE PRACTICED THIS
LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS SO RIGHT.
I'm dead.
They're talking to Peta and she's talking about how she made all the children cry.
She's great.
Guys nobody cares about the Giro Rosa stop trying to make the Giro Rosa happen.
You can see that wound there on his hip. You can also, very nearly, see his nuts, so maybe let's pan away here guys, this is a family show.
SO RIGHT.
Right now I am Peta Cavendish freaking out and crying and upsetting the children.
MAKE IT STOP MY HEART
Gary Imlach quite clearly just wanted to bring up cross winds so he could say 'Chris, cross-winds..'.
I'm not sure my heart will survive the TDF this year.
WHAT IS THIS EXCELLENT MUSIC AS USUAL ITV WRAP UP DAMMIT
Edit: Great post-stage analysis. Did I know we were all calling him Bertie?!?
Froomey alongside Hanseeno. I die.
This is too much. Literally everyone who crops up on screen is THE BEST.
This is odd.
They've ridden up to Mont Saint Michel and basically, stalled.
Snazzy haircut Cav
Of course Gary Verity is there.
Yeah good luck EVERY OTHER PR TEAM. Daaaaaamn Nico!
Maybe there aren't as many other nerds out there watching from pre-Kilometer zero as I thought. I expected a bit of a burst on twitter about the Mont Saint Michel kerfuffle.
AND WE'RE OFF I COULD VOMIT
The only advertisement you need for broadcast from the start: ALEX HOWES SHOT OFF THE FRONT
Who's the Yam?
Ohhhhh Leigh Howard.
That Normandy lion is a jazzy mofo.
Tony of the Square and (formerly) of the Saur is a Norman local and possibly chasing with Alex Howes.
WOUT
David and the Chasse Patate. Maybe my cycling themed children's book.
Are these odd tactics from Paul Voss? Why is he solo out front with 150k to go?
Oh apparently he's fighting Leigh Howard to the single mountain point ahead. Right.
I must say I find Matt Rendell quite irritating.
There's something about Dave that is just like... he doesn't realise/care he's being broadcast out to the world.
He lives in Girona. He said, and you can imagine he's like scrolling through his phone not really listening to the conversation and someone says something and he's like 'oh, I've got a factoid about that'. Like a bored dude out with his mates at the pub.
Alex has joined the front group finally!
TOUR DE KEISSE I SEE YOU
Paul Voss has found himself in a race 39 kilometres long.
This is hilarious. Somehow this is all coming down to massive pressure on Jan Barta!
Bike racing is hilarious.
Excellent horse wheels in Dragey-Ronthon.
Got it in the end there Voss. Nice one. I think he's rather funny on twitter usually so well done.
Steeeeeeevooooooooooo
Iljooooooooooo
I love the new Giant kit but I can't deny it's confusing the hell out of me in the bunch.
Yeah it's an interesting team Etixx has fielded. Kittel, Dan Martin, and Alaphilippe all sort of doing different things at cross purposes.
They're kind of like a dream fantasy team but how is this gonna possibly work?
All of the above.
I like how having French contenders is like, confusing.
Le Crow is on lunch duty.
Getting cray cray here
Cannonade went nuts and now everyone's a mess.
Intermediate sprint? Crosswinds? CHAOS
Le Crow is on the horn about something
Luke Rowe is SO strong he got up there on his own and left his whole team behind.
There's no point in moving back, the rest of his team have to move up to him.
Awfully specific. But yes.
Bernie's been hit! He's out the back!
Etixx are trying to establish control
Honestly though I really really am having a visceral reaction to Matt Rendell.
DVB!
Crash in the commercial break! Bertie down and hard. Cripes! He took a BMC down!
WAHT?!!?!?!
HE TOOK LUKE DOWN!!??!
Bertie is having a problem with his shoes.
Now pedalling in his SOCKS, Ned seems scandalised.
This is mayhem
I think Rowey just went by. Whew.
Ew.
Bertie looks like he's been hit by a cannon on his shoulder.
No but this is uncanny.
FFS and Burghy went down in Bertie's crash!
Dave not as confident with the chateau knowledge as Phil and Paul. You're welcome, he mumbles out sarcastically at the end.
Ok sorry Brent, but thank god.
Order restored and it's all a bit sleepy again.
Pointe du Hoc! I SHOULD BE THERE.
I feel like if I was one of those chalk board timing people I'd defs, the odd time, just put up the sign saying "You're doing great :)"
Excellent cow maypole here in wherever we are.
DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
LMNH knows.
BACK ON THE COASTAL ROADS
Everyone is over-revving and everyone has got a terminal velocity. Dave has his own profound and dramatic way of saying statements of fact.
Welp. Here'll be the catch.
What's.
Oh it's sure helpful to have Dave in commentary. Miki Schar was messing about with a single front wheel and a bike and his gangly giraffe physicality but now at least we know why.
Tomorrow might well be a day for Van Avermaet. The title of his biography.
BMCs dangling round the back here
Ahh yeah there's Tejay that's why. Couldn't have imagined it was all for Miki Schar.
Ooooh I feel like I'm flying a drone! The helicopter leg just came into shot, very disorientating.
Alex Howes isn't going down without a fight.
Alex Howes needs a nickname but I'm waiting for inspiration.
YAAAAAAS NO MORE COMMERCIALS
But a lone fucking what looks like a pirate boat out there in the sea. Jesus I love the Tour and it's made me mental.
72 years ago there were 864 MORE boats out there, Dave reminds us.
HEDGEROWS
Normandy is just too fucking amazing.
Ah man this is too much. Those Mulberry harbours out there in the water.
Tony of the Square, LOCAL SON, is making a move!
St Mere Eglise!
Mark Cavendish has Bernie Eisel beside him and all around him. So accurate.
Alex keeps giving it a go but can't shake Norman Tony.
They've turned into the cross-tail
Kiry has such a recognisable physical presence on the bike.
Ruh-roh, Ned says Lotto-Soudal went the wrong way round that roundabout. Hendy will have something to say about that.
UGHHHHHHH KRISTOFF IS HERE?!! Don't bore this Tour to death.
This is so weird there's 8k left what are we all doing
MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY
That was intense
That camera work was so dramatic
JOHNNNNNNNNNNNN You've played quiet game and I WOULD DIE if you won!!!!
Etixx are so in control it's like beautiful to watch
Jostling back there SO MUCH OH MAN. Tony is shouldering people
This is chaos
THIS IS CHAOS
62k AN HOUR THEY'RE GOING
FLAMMMMMEEEEE
BUMPING
OH CRASH JESUS OF COURSE THERE IS
WHAT I SH HAPPENING
THERE'S LIKE NO ONE UP HERE
SAGAIN iIS SO FAR AHEAD
BUT WER"RE NOT THERE
WHAT IS
WHERE ARE WE
CAV IS THERE
WHERE IS THE FINSIH STAY UP THERE
CAVVVVVVVVVVVVVV!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FUCKING ALMOST THREW UP
Who is that if it's Bernie being so emphatic as he crosses the line I'LL DIE
Oh man I might cry.
Oh man he wanted that so much.
Oh my god that Katusha took a FUCKING BEATING. Hope he's ok.
THE CAV!!!
The third opportunity, the third one without bad luck
IS HE CRYING?!! I'M GONNA BE SICK
OH MY GOD DELILAH IS THERE
WHAT DID DADDY WIN YA
FLOWERS...
FLOWERS.
SO YOURE HAPPY
I MIGHT DIE
OH MAN THE CAVENDISH-TODDS CRYING AND FREAKING OUT IN A FIELD I AM WITH YOU
Ah man you watch that sprint back and it is cray.
OH SHIT OF COURSE HE BROUGHT DELILAH UP
SHUT UP LOOK AT HER HOLDING UP THE FLOWERS THEY'VE PRACTICED THIS
LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS SO RIGHT.
I'm dead.
They're talking to Peta and she's talking about how she made all the children cry.
She's great.
Guys nobody cares about the Giro Rosa stop trying to make the Giro Rosa happen.
You can see that wound there on his hip. You can also, very nearly, see his nuts, so maybe let's pan away here guys, this is a family show.
SO RIGHT.
Right now I am Peta Cavendish freaking out and crying and upsetting the children.
MAKE IT STOP MY HEART
Gary Imlach quite clearly just wanted to bring up cross winds so he could say 'Chris, cross-winds..'.
I'm not sure my heart will survive the TDF this year.
WHAT IS THIS EXCELLENT MUSIC AS USUAL ITV WRAP UP DAMMIT
Edit: Great post-stage analysis. Did I know we were all calling him Bertie?!?
Saturday 5 March 2016
March of the Spartacus Army
Strade Bianche
Hello beautiful humans!!
...Including THE MOST BEAUTIFUL.
Oh, good thing I'm THE WORLD CHAMPION of Cyclocross!
I like the casual nature of 'Oh, also, HE'S A LIVING LEGEND'.
Also, TAYLOR IS BACK.
Of course they are!! (Taylor don't think I don't see your BEAUTIFUL FACE back there!)
... More importantly, where do I get one of those totes cute coats??
Siena is gorge.
In fact Strade Bianche is basically like a really long advert for the beauty of Italy.
....
Maybe one day I will learn how to cope with the boredom/anticipation before live coverage, but in actual fact I think I'm getting worse at it.
And coverage of women's racing is not an appropriate substitute.
Also, did I miss something or is Garmin not fielding a team here?
Ahhhhhh it sounds like it's KICKING OFF STOP SHOWING ME SWIMMING
And yet.
WHO DECIDED WE WOULDN'T SHOW COVERAGE OF BIKE RACING IN A DECENT NORMAL WAY
They're basically showing Dutch PMQs right now.
World, why are you so cruel.
Meanwhile, people are relentlessly, relentlessly taking the piss out of the Race to the Sun.
Andrew Talansky's looks quite beautiful but then I'm not the one in a period chateau probably without heating.
That time when Dan Wuori was providing links the MINUTE coverage was available was the best of times.
FRANCE. YOU HAVE COME THROUGH ONCE AGAIN (against all odds).
BIRRA MORETTIS AT THE READY IT IS ON
Are the French getting better commentators or have I had a brain transplant. I'm kinda into these guys already.
On n'est pas sur piste, on n'est pas a Londres, this joker jokes about the final tense K of the women's race.
Michal is just so lovely.
Oh Fabian. My heart. I do not accept I WILL NOT ACCEPT that he won't be riding next year.
Styby seems like just the loveliest man. Something very strange but also something very beautiful, he says about the race.
There are 5 away here, not sure about a gap. Puccio, Grivko, Max Montfort, Brambilla, and what they thought was Caruso though is clearly the giant American jaw of Brent Bookwalter.
60k.
Appears to be those guys up front, the peloton, and a Peloton Deer of sorts.
Le Classique du Nord le plus au Sud. I love that.
The 5 have a minute, Trek appears to be leading the chase in the peloton and NOT in Peloton Deer which was my initial fear.
Onto a Secteur.
Oh my fucking life it's like a dust storm it's amazing
It wasn't so cray when the 5 went through but when the peloton kicked it up it was like miners coming to the surface.
Race to the Shit jokes continue apace...
... Are they legit at the buffet by like the toast machine?!
33 seconds the 5 have.
Haha there are like no French riders in the race and half of them are named Sebastien.
This mystery dude commentator is making a very good case for their participation though. I'd listen.
Dayer Quintana is always around. Does he race more than other people?
Cripes twitter is ahead of French coverage and Sporza is too but possibly not ahead of twitter???...
Plus I think the coverage is misidentifying people sometimes??
Puccio dropped out of the front group with a mechanical but LP Nordhaug is attacking from the peloton
I either forgot Nibali was Italian or that this was in Italy but in any event I couldn't figure out why everyone was SO jazzed about his presence.
I mean, you've got Pippo Pozzato here guys, let's focus.
Lots of mechanicals
40k.
Ruh roh, here comes that rain they were forecasting.
Visconti Amador is sort of an excellent name.
Like the Italian counterpart to Wegwijzer Hellingen.
I'm gonna make an entire spy network of names from Things That Aren't Names in cycling.
Sky are very present here. Dude in the break, dude chasing the break, dude leading the peloton...
Brochant est au courant!
Is Puccio having more problems?!!
Oh no he's just loading his back with bottles like some kind of Quasimodo.
Christ look at him go!
30k.
Still quite a bit of gravel and uphill still to go.
I know we're waiting for the feu d'artifice and the belle bagarre, but....
We just rollin' around here?
It's like the commentator is talking to me now being like "cool your jets, you can't launch from 30k out on this parcours.'
Turns out 'one man show' is 'one man show' in French.
Brambaaaaaa..... Are you launching?????
Meh well they've caught him anyway.
Ohhhhf is that the peloton right there??
Montaperti-- hard to understand though the description is in English, did something of Dante's take place here?
This commentator is basically saying when you're an enormous nerd who loves cycling you think of imagery like Octave Lapize on dirt, rock roads and this is sort of beautifully reminiscent of that. I LOVE THIS MAN HE IS SO RIGHT.
Cycling is also made of this.
Oh lord but it is windy there in Siena.
I feel like my life theme is "Just Not Valverde".
Bramba going for the kill again on this latest Secteur. Brent is going with him.
Il ne sont plus que deux devant, IL NE SONT PLUS QUE DEUX
It is just not Puccio's day today.
deja ca fait quatre fois qu'il s'arrête
Unclear what happened to Brent but Gianluca is away alone now
20k
BMC taking to the front of the chase, obvs.
Oh god is it Oss?!! Fare thee well Luca, soz.
Fucking hell Sporza coverage keeps going out randomly and coming back on massively and loudly Dutch.
OK WHAT HAPPENED
PETER ATTACKED FAB WENT
STYBAR TOO
I'M DEAD
Les pièges sont surtout Van Avermaet.
Oh Greg. Classic Greg. (Still)
Hmm they've only got 15 seconds
Why isn't Stby Czech Champ all the time? I hardly recognise him in standard-issue gear.
Fab just pushed him to the front
And then attacked.
AND THEN ATTACKED COME ON FAB
I feel like that tap was less like 'take your turn' and more like 'MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY'
Oh heeyyyyyyyyyyy Michal!
No one else from this chasing group should make the junction but yeah if Michal could get up there that'd be great.
Oh and Matteo Trentin is there so he can come too.
Fab didn't get away by the way.
This time.
The fact that the Secteurs count up and not down is confusing the hell out of me.
But anyway, FINAL SECTEUR NOW
Looks like GVA is trying to bridge alone.
Michal, Oss, Nibali and another BMC behind that I think
11k
Is this a real junction and can I live there
There is some utterly weird barbershop/choral singing being piped through from the finish I can only imagine...
9k
Bramba is doing a job of work today my god
FAB IS NOT HAVIN' ANY OF THIS
If he does an Iljo one more time I think he might legit kill a man.
ATTACK
Brambilla!
Oh Greg. Brought back to that chase group.
They've only got 12 seconds those beasts and there's lots of uphill at the end isn't there?
7k
Back together for the 4.
But classic Etixx punching
He goes again
I love how they describe Fab's crafty mind.
The idea of a peloton without that fabulous mullet flapping in the wind is just too too much to imagine.
Fuuuuuuuckin' hell mind that turn lads!
4k
HE'S ONLY GOT 4 SECONDS?! These camera angles are ridonculously deceptive
So fucking real.
Sporza you are dead to me. Going out at 2.2k is simply not acceptable.
Ok back in time slightly with French coverage, here we go.
1.5k
1k
Bramba is killing himself up there and these three are basically already track standing
AND I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT TWITTER BECAUSE IT IS IN THE FUTURE
Fab has been on the front an awful lot
Il faut quand meme bouger derriere hein!
OH Stybar nearly took Fab out on that turn
Oh jesus there they are
OH GOD
A FREIGHT TRAIN JUST HIT BRAMBA SO HARD
SO HARD
FAB AND STYBY
I AM HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS
BUT I WANT FAB I CAN'T LIE
IT IS FABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
DREAMS COME TRUEEEEEEEEEEE
OH FAB
He's LEGIT JUMPING UP AND DOWN WITH HIS SOIGNEURS HE'S GOT HIS ARMS AROUND THEM AND IS JUMPING UP AND DOWN
HE WALKS THROUGH THE CROWD LIKE A KINGLY BEAST
I LOVE THAT MAN
I LOVE THAT MAN ARE THERE NO BIGGER FONTS?!!??
Man Styby even put his head down at the end there like 'oh man!' He knew.
LIFT THAT BIKE INTO THE AIR YOU GLADIATOR
Bramba even gave a thumbs up as he crossed the line. There are no teams here. We are all Team Spartacus.
'I had to play it was the lottery'?! I LOVE THIS MAN!
Ohhhhh god he's the greatest.
Ohhhhh I could throw up I love him so much.
Hello beautiful humans!!
...Including THE MOST BEAUTIFUL.
Oh, good thing I'm THE WORLD CHAMPION of Cyclocross!
I like the casual nature of 'Oh, also, HE'S A LIVING LEGEND'.
Also, TAYLOR IS BACK.
Of course they are!! (Taylor don't think I don't see your BEAUTIFUL FACE back there!)
... More importantly, where do I get one of those totes cute coats??
Siena is gorge.
In fact Strade Bianche is basically like a really long advert for the beauty of Italy.
....
Maybe one day I will learn how to cope with the boredom/anticipation before live coverage, but in actual fact I think I'm getting worse at it.
And coverage of women's racing is not an appropriate substitute.
Also, did I miss something or is Garmin not fielding a team here?
Ahhhhhh it sounds like it's KICKING OFF STOP SHOWING ME SWIMMING
And yet.
WHO DECIDED WE WOULDN'T SHOW COVERAGE OF BIKE RACING IN A DECENT NORMAL WAY
They're basically showing Dutch PMQs right now.
World, why are you so cruel.
Meanwhile, people are relentlessly, relentlessly taking the piss out of the Race to the Sun.
Andrew Talansky's looks quite beautiful but then I'm not the one in a period chateau probably without heating.
That time when Dan Wuori was providing links the MINUTE coverage was available was the best of times.
FRANCE. YOU HAVE COME THROUGH ONCE AGAIN (against all odds).
BIRRA MORETTIS AT THE READY IT IS ON
Are the French getting better commentators or have I had a brain transplant. I'm kinda into these guys already.
On n'est pas sur piste, on n'est pas a Londres, this joker jokes about the final tense K of the women's race.
Michal is just so lovely.
Oh Fabian. My heart. I do not accept I WILL NOT ACCEPT that he won't be riding next year.
Styby seems like just the loveliest man. Something very strange but also something very beautiful, he says about the race.
There are 5 away here, not sure about a gap. Puccio, Grivko, Max Montfort, Brambilla, and what they thought was Caruso though is clearly the giant American jaw of Brent Bookwalter.
60k.
Appears to be those guys up front, the peloton, and a Peloton Deer of sorts.
Le Classique du Nord le plus au Sud. I love that.
The 5 have a minute, Trek appears to be leading the chase in the peloton and NOT in Peloton Deer which was my initial fear.
Onto a Secteur.
Oh my fucking life it's like a dust storm it's amazing
It wasn't so cray when the 5 went through but when the peloton kicked it up it was like miners coming to the surface.
Race to the Shit jokes continue apace...
... Are they legit at the buffet by like the toast machine?!
33 seconds the 5 have.
Haha there are like no French riders in the race and half of them are named Sebastien.
This mystery dude commentator is making a very good case for their participation though. I'd listen.
Dayer Quintana is always around. Does he race more than other people?
Cripes twitter is ahead of French coverage and Sporza is too but possibly not ahead of twitter???...
Plus I think the coverage is misidentifying people sometimes??
Puccio dropped out of the front group with a mechanical but LP Nordhaug is attacking from the peloton
I either forgot Nibali was Italian or that this was in Italy but in any event I couldn't figure out why everyone was SO jazzed about his presence.
I mean, you've got Pippo Pozzato here guys, let's focus.
Lots of mechanicals
40k.
Ruh roh, here comes that rain they were forecasting.
Visconti Amador is sort of an excellent name.
Like the Italian counterpart to Wegwijzer Hellingen.
I'm gonna make an entire spy network of names from Things That Aren't Names in cycling.
Sky are very present here. Dude in the break, dude chasing the break, dude leading the peloton...
Brochant est au courant!
Is Puccio having more problems?!!
Oh no he's just loading his back with bottles like some kind of Quasimodo.
Christ look at him go!
30k.
Still quite a bit of gravel and uphill still to go.
I know we're waiting for the feu d'artifice and the belle bagarre, but....
We just rollin' around here?
It's like the commentator is talking to me now being like "cool your jets, you can't launch from 30k out on this parcours.'
Turns out 'one man show' is 'one man show' in French.
Brambaaaaaa..... Are you launching?????
Meh well they've caught him anyway.
Ohhhhf is that the peloton right there??
Montaperti-- hard to understand though the description is in English, did something of Dante's take place here?
This commentator is basically saying when you're an enormous nerd who loves cycling you think of imagery like Octave Lapize on dirt, rock roads and this is sort of beautifully reminiscent of that. I LOVE THIS MAN HE IS SO RIGHT.
Cycling is also made of this.
Oh lord but it is windy there in Siena.
I feel like my life theme is "Just Not Valverde".
Bramba going for the kill again on this latest Secteur. Brent is going with him.
Il ne sont plus que deux devant, IL NE SONT PLUS QUE DEUX
It is just not Puccio's day today.
deja ca fait quatre fois qu'il s'arrête
Unclear what happened to Brent but Gianluca is away alone now
20k
BMC taking to the front of the chase, obvs.
Oh god is it Oss?!! Fare thee well Luca, soz.
Fucking hell Sporza coverage keeps going out randomly and coming back on massively and loudly Dutch.
OK WHAT HAPPENED
PETER ATTACKED FAB WENT
STYBAR TOO
I'M DEAD
Les pièges sont surtout Van Avermaet.
Oh Greg. Classic Greg. (Still)
Hmm they've only got 15 seconds
Why isn't Stby Czech Champ all the time? I hardly recognise him in standard-issue gear.
Fab just pushed him to the front
And then attacked.
AND THEN ATTACKED COME ON FAB
I feel like that tap was less like 'take your turn' and more like 'MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY'
Oh heeyyyyyyyyyyy Michal!
No one else from this chasing group should make the junction but yeah if Michal could get up there that'd be great.
Oh and Matteo Trentin is there so he can come too.
Fab didn't get away by the way.
This time.
The fact that the Secteurs count up and not down is confusing the hell out of me.
But anyway, FINAL SECTEUR NOW
Looks like GVA is trying to bridge alone.
Michal, Oss, Nibali and another BMC behind that I think
11k
Is this a real junction and can I live there
There is some utterly weird barbershop/choral singing being piped through from the finish I can only imagine...
9k
Bramba is doing a job of work today my god
FAB IS NOT HAVIN' ANY OF THIS
If he does an Iljo one more time I think he might legit kill a man.
ATTACK
Brambilla!
Oh Greg. Brought back to that chase group.
They've only got 12 seconds those beasts and there's lots of uphill at the end isn't there?
7k
Back together for the 4.
But classic Etixx punching
He goes again
I love how they describe Fab's crafty mind.
The idea of a peloton without that fabulous mullet flapping in the wind is just too too much to imagine.
Fuuuuuuuckin' hell mind that turn lads!
4k
HE'S ONLY GOT 4 SECONDS?! These camera angles are ridonculously deceptive
So fucking real.
Sporza you are dead to me. Going out at 2.2k is simply not acceptable.
Ok back in time slightly with French coverage, here we go.
1.5k
1k
Bramba is killing himself up there and these three are basically already track standing
AND I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT TWITTER BECAUSE IT IS IN THE FUTURE
Fab has been on the front an awful lot
Il faut quand meme bouger derriere hein!
OH Stybar nearly took Fab out on that turn
Oh jesus there they are
OH GOD
A FREIGHT TRAIN JUST HIT BRAMBA SO HARD
SO HARD
FAB AND STYBY
I AM HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS
BUT I WANT FAB I CAN'T LIE
IT IS FABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
DREAMS COME TRUEEEEEEEEEEE
OH FAB
He's LEGIT JUMPING UP AND DOWN WITH HIS SOIGNEURS HE'S GOT HIS ARMS AROUND THEM AND IS JUMPING UP AND DOWN
HE WALKS THROUGH THE CROWD LIKE A KINGLY BEAST
I LOVE THAT MAN
I LOVE THAT MAN ARE THERE NO BIGGER FONTS?!!??
Man Styby even put his head down at the end there like 'oh man!' He knew.
LIFT THAT BIKE INTO THE AIR YOU GLADIATOR
Bramba even gave a thumbs up as he crossed the line. There are no teams here. We are all Team Spartacus.
'I had to play it was the lottery'?! I LOVE THIS MAN!
Ohhhhh god he's the greatest.
Ohhhhh I could throw up I love him so much.
Sunday 28 February 2016
The Lampre Effect
Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne
I think 'best of luck and a donkey' should be a new phrase of encouragement.
Giant must have known I'd be sad without Iljo, so they brought their A TEAM.
Especially Koen, who has been very informative in the run up.
He's such a show pony.
(SO BEAUTIFUL BRING IT BACK FLANDERS!)
Cyclingnews have suggested that Erik Zabel is in the mix for BMC. Guys the racing hasn't even started yet and you're losing your shit, let's try and keep it together.
Everything seems beautifully dramatic to me right now. I kind of think my spy name should be Wegwijzer Hellingen.
It's very cold out there and apparently Peter almost missed the start. Probably wishing he had some of that Spanish tea now.
These bloody heroes have time for everyone, even in subzero temperatures.
I like that sleek gilets-only look the boys are sporting.
They're talking an awful lot about the wind today...
...
Obviously I do understand but I DON'T UNDERSTAND why we can't have live coverage from start to finish.
There's a break of 11 including what sounds like a high-end tailors: De Man & Cardis.
Or possibly law firm to the Belgian Royal Family: Druyts, De Man, & Cardis.
Peter it seems has gone for the full Cool Runnings look.
The gap is alternately listed at 8 minutes and 10 seconds so ffs can we please get some coverage going here
Maybe that was just cyclingnews being incompetent.
Anyway, they now agree that the gap is around 8 minutes and suggest Captain Curvers is stuck in no man's land somewhere in the middle.
Hello beautiful humans.
Why is it always something as fucking ridiculous as downhill skiing that keeps me from cycling coverage?
Ahh is this Caleb Ewan? If it's a podium with him and Kristoff and... I dunno an indeterminate Topsport I'll be asleep.
Well that was a false alarm. Sporza at least had us at the race but now we're doing live coverage of... dirtbikes, in Qatar?
Honestly though, neither of these seem close to ending... WTF.
I'm not sure I can cope with this.
Cool sweater guy. Legit thought it was Wout at first glance. Would be a good #Woutontinder profile pic.
THEN SOMEBODY TELL THE TELEVISION.
Maybe I've misunderstood time but also the website says the links are live so stop making me feel crazy, internet!
I get Eurosport cuz they're a bit shit and always late to the game, but Sporza, WHY?! They obvs blew the budget with Bert yesterday and now can't afford to broadcast anymore.
AH WHAT OK I THINK WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE
... Did I know Nick Nuyens was Belgian? Is there ANY reason that up until this second I thought he was Australian?
Dries Devenyns is quite cool looking. He's got a dramatic face.
NIKIIIIIIII
Tommekeeeeeeee
Peter really with the hair. One man bun in the peloton is already one too many.
Le Crow leading from the front here.
Needless to say if I'd first discovered Luke Rowe via Sporza the name 'Le Crow' would never have been born.
YOHANN GENE what happened?? He's solo on the side of the road with a broken bike. How?
OMFG Oude Kwaremont coming up.
I feel like J. De Man has an obligation to change his first name to something beginning with U.
Champion is a good word but I really feel like KAMPIOEN has like an additional element of badassery somehow.
Oooooof looks hard out there. They're on flat road but FLYING along, leaving riders in their wake.
It's a rather excellent language. Funny how sometimes you (think) you understand it.
Red Lottos on the front with Luke.
OOOOOH watch out, Peter is on the move!!!!
Is 83.3k too far out for a solo attack to the finish!?!
He's taken a Trek with him, cuz obviously.
They're taking a lot about Tjalingii... COULD HE WIN?
OMG they mentioned Adam Blythe several times too what the hell are they saying??
The Kwaremont possibly broke everyone into groups?
If there be winds this could be a difficult claw back
Luke is such a fucking badass. Up here in this elite group.
Maybe Adam is in it??? Maybe that's what they were saying?
Etixx is all over it. They aren't gonna make the same mistake today!
A different mistake, sure, but definitely, definitely not the same one.
Gap under 3 minutes now btw
I wonder whatever happened to Roy....
You can tell it's probably fucking freezing but it sure looks glorious in the sun on some of these climbs.
Ski jumping. Eurosport believe that SKI JUMPING is an appropriate alternative to bike racing.
Was Yanto Barker an extra in the Lance Armstrong film The Program? ... My interpretation of Sporza commentary currently.
Niki chatting to Kristoff. It didn't look THAT happy.
...Obviously I had to investigate this. I WAS VERY CLOSE.
Hmmm ok well Eurosport is on now but I wonder if I should stick with Sporza given it's Brian Smith.
.. And Carlton Kirby. Nope, back to pidgin Flemish!
Whatcha doin' Sky boys?
That was a silly non-attack.
Seems everyone's back together, peloton-wise. Escape still at 2-ish minutes.
Interesting tactic B Van Poppel. Is he even riding the same race? Some of these bike baths are like in different counties to the cobbled road.
Proving popular though. Til it comes time to make that left turn at Albuquerque presumably.
Red Lotto are going cray at the front here.
Something happened to Adam in 2007 and to G in 2003. Find me this factoid.
Fucking hell Lotto have decimated this peloton.
Kristoff's positioning is very poor today. Every time they show him he's a million miles away from the action.
This poor IAM wants a bottle.
Gap down to '40 anyway.
Let's talk to Wilfried Peeters!
And now Tom Boonen! I don't understand any of these interviews but !!!!
Veel Succes Tommeke!!
Come on let's catch Lance Armstrong's body double and get this thing going!
54k with 38 seconds for the escapees.
OGE please don't Lampre this result.
They've got the gigs over at the Sporza commentary box, I wish I knew why.
Red Lottos out EN MASSE on the front of this climb
BUT ETIXX ISN'T MESSIN' EITHER
Do Julien Vermotte and Iljo kind of look alike in their helmets and sunnies? I could identify both of them from space but sometimes they seem very similar at a glance.
AHAHAHAHAH
RIGHT AS I SUGGESTED THIS, Julien proper DID AN ILJO.
Oh it was amaze. It's only because Iljo isn't physically in this race that I know it can't be him.
Those two need to go on tour.
They've got a bit of a gap here: GVA, Julien/Iljo, Peter, a non-Luke Sky, Devenyns, a Trek and maybe one other?
Who's this non-Pippo Southeast and what is he doing?
Does Le Crow feel no fatigue?? The man is a MACHINE.
He has been on the front ALL DAY, after KILLING IT yesterday. Rowey we salute you.
Alright they've caught that Southeast.
Just under 39k and now it's all about to be mayhem.
What about Niki?!!?!
GATTO IS HERE?!!?!!?
What even team does he ride for!?!
I got too excited.
Ok. There are three groups on the road but it's unclear who is in which.
Oh and one def just got caught.
And fucking Lotto and Katusha went to the same printers as Etixx and Topsport and chose Colour Option Red. It's impossible to tell what is ever happening at a distance.
NIKI!
Everyone should be as excellent as Niki and therefore wear their nation's flag for easy reference.
Julien is so totally playing the part of Iljo today. He just keeps attacking attacking attacking.
OH NO a lotto down!
What's that?!! Did a car OH MY JESUS FUCKING HELL
He was COMPLETELY FUCKING TAKEN OUT, completely hit HEAD ON by a fucking motorbike!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL.
They seem pretty chill about it!!! I'd be screaming!
(I am, essentially, screaming)
Rowey is like a Welsh Tommeke.
I feel like there should be an International Tom Boonen prize in the way there is an International Flandrien one and Le Crow should win it.
Or he could win the International Flandrien award cuz he fucking is.
I think we're into the big laps now?
SORT IT OUT DAVE. Call on them to man up and make them!
How did we get down to 28k? I think I blacked out during all the hit-and-run drama.
Ok
SO
A group with 40 seconds up front with: ROWE BOONEN VERMOTTE
and Ginger Pim
Also other people. Lots of them, but there they are classified by level of importance.
Behind, Katusha AND Lotto, just to confuse things (heretofore referred to as TEAM RED) are on the chase in a massive way.
Into Kortrjk!
Niki is with Team Red. Which I'm not thrilled about but I guess Tom and Julien have got it covered up front.
Luke up here with the big boys is so right.
BVP getting away on accident?
The fuck?
That was super weird. Under 20k.
What was that??
Cokey Tom held hands with the DirectEnergie across the road? Am I hallucinating? I mean they may have been passing a bar or something but still.
Guys do we care about the Drome and the Ardeche? Call me when they manifest themselves in the Ardennes classics and not before.
18k, 28 seconds.
Stuyven trying to get away now. You can't say they don't try, Trek.
Got a gap though. 16 seconds.
Into the last lap.
Peloton not far here. Everyone is within 33 seconds of each other.
Is that OGE rooting in the back pockets of that Lotto? Are there no teams anymore?
Le Crow could you win at Roubaix and just do what we all know you're made for??
Mention of Tim Wellens and Sean de Bie. The Belgian flag, basically.
If Jasper Stuyven is the one the girl next to me at Gent Six Day was screaming about then that's cool but not like you-should-win-KBK-cool, know what I'm saying?
6.3k and Luke and co are behind Jesper by 23 seconds. The peloton is about 20 seconds behind that.
FUCKIN HELL JASPER. Don't take yourself out of the game by going full tilt into a bollard!
3.5k ROWEY DON'T FLAG
NOT NOW
CATCH THIS GUY GUYS COME ON
I feel like they said 'clever boy, Gent boy' about Jasper, but I'm sure they didn't. But that should definitely be a thing.
CAN WE FUCKING NOT ETIXX
COME ON. 2k and he has 30 seconds!
What is this insanity? Ginger Pim is launching from the peloton, which is bizarre.
Oh my god it's not even the peloton, it was the elite group that was caught by the peloton!!!
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN
SOMEONE CATCH HIM WHAT IS THIS SHIT
Well. Better start warming to Jasper Stuyven then.
Aww. That was nice. But still.
Tommeke for second?
He's barely riding. He doesn't give a shit.
Kristoff, Bouhanni round out podium.
So meh. The meh-est.
That always happens!!!! THRILLING racing and then meh results.
Maybe if they ACTUALLY called themselves #SpartacusArmy...
Edit: Alright maybe if his nickname is ACTUALLY Stone Cold Stuyven.
And if Nathan Brown is in his corner then... ... GO JASPER.
I think 'best of luck and a donkey' should be a new phrase of encouragement.
Giant must have known I'd be sad without Iljo, so they brought their A TEAM.
Especially Koen, who has been very informative in the run up.
He's such a show pony.
(SO BEAUTIFUL BRING IT BACK FLANDERS!)
Cyclingnews have suggested that Erik Zabel is in the mix for BMC. Guys the racing hasn't even started yet and you're losing your shit, let's try and keep it together.
Everything seems beautifully dramatic to me right now. I kind of think my spy name should be Wegwijzer Hellingen.
It's very cold out there and apparently Peter almost missed the start. Probably wishing he had some of that Spanish tea now.
These bloody heroes have time for everyone, even in subzero temperatures.
I like that sleek gilets-only look the boys are sporting.
They're talking an awful lot about the wind today...
...
Obviously I do understand but I DON'T UNDERSTAND why we can't have live coverage from start to finish.
There's a break of 11 including what sounds like a high-end tailors: De Man & Cardis.
Or possibly law firm to the Belgian Royal Family: Druyts, De Man, & Cardis.
Peter it seems has gone for the full Cool Runnings look.
The gap is alternately listed at 8 minutes and 10 seconds so ffs can we please get some coverage going here
Maybe that was just cyclingnews being incompetent.
Anyway, they now agree that the gap is around 8 minutes and suggest Captain Curvers is stuck in no man's land somewhere in the middle.
Hello beautiful humans.
Why is it always something as fucking ridiculous as downhill skiing that keeps me from cycling coverage?
Ahh is this Caleb Ewan? If it's a podium with him and Kristoff and... I dunno an indeterminate Topsport I'll be asleep.
Well that was a false alarm. Sporza at least had us at the race but now we're doing live coverage of... dirtbikes, in Qatar?
Honestly though, neither of these seem close to ending... WTF.
I'm not sure I can cope with this.
Cool sweater guy. Legit thought it was Wout at first glance. Would be a good #Woutontinder profile pic.
THEN SOMEBODY TELL THE TELEVISION.
Maybe I've misunderstood time but also the website says the links are live so stop making me feel crazy, internet!
I get Eurosport cuz they're a bit shit and always late to the game, but Sporza, WHY?! They obvs blew the budget with Bert yesterday and now can't afford to broadcast anymore.
AH WHAT OK I THINK WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE
... Did I know Nick Nuyens was Belgian? Is there ANY reason that up until this second I thought he was Australian?
Dries Devenyns is quite cool looking. He's got a dramatic face.
.JPG/250px-Isbergues_-_Grand_Prix_d'Isbergues,_20_septembre_2015_(B143).JPG){kind=link}
NIKIIIIIIII
Tommekeeeeeeee
Peter really with the hair. One man bun in the peloton is already one too many.
Le Crow leading from the front here.
Needless to say if I'd first discovered Luke Rowe via Sporza the name 'Le Crow' would never have been born.
YOHANN GENE what happened?? He's solo on the side of the road with a broken bike. How?
OMFG Oude Kwaremont coming up.
I feel like J. De Man has an obligation to change his first name to something beginning with U.
Champion is a good word but I really feel like KAMPIOEN has like an additional element of badassery somehow.
Oooooof looks hard out there. They're on flat road but FLYING along, leaving riders in their wake.
It's a rather excellent language. Funny how sometimes you (think) you understand it.
Red Lottos on the front with Luke.
OOOOOH watch out, Peter is on the move!!!!
Is 83.3k too far out for a solo attack to the finish!?!
He's taken a Trek with him, cuz obviously.
They're taking a lot about Tjalingii... COULD HE WIN?
OMG they mentioned Adam Blythe several times too what the hell are they saying??
The Kwaremont possibly broke everyone into groups?
If there be winds this could be a difficult claw back
Luke is such a fucking badass. Up here in this elite group.
Maybe Adam is in it??? Maybe that's what they were saying?
Etixx is all over it. They aren't gonna make the same mistake today!
A different mistake, sure, but definitely, definitely not the same one.
Gap under 3 minutes now btw
I wonder whatever happened to Roy....
You can tell it's probably fucking freezing but it sure looks glorious in the sun on some of these climbs.
Ski jumping. Eurosport believe that SKI JUMPING is an appropriate alternative to bike racing.
Was Yanto Barker an extra in the Lance Armstrong film The Program? ... My interpretation of Sporza commentary currently.
Niki chatting to Kristoff. It didn't look THAT happy.
...Obviously I had to investigate this. I WAS VERY CLOSE.
Hmmm ok well Eurosport is on now but I wonder if I should stick with Sporza given it's Brian Smith.
.. And Carlton Kirby. Nope, back to pidgin Flemish!
Whatcha doin' Sky boys?
That was a silly non-attack.
Seems everyone's back together, peloton-wise. Escape still at 2-ish minutes.
Interesting tactic B Van Poppel. Is he even riding the same race? Some of these bike baths are like in different counties to the cobbled road.
Proving popular though. Til it comes time to make that left turn at Albuquerque presumably.
Red Lotto are going cray at the front here.
Something happened to Adam in 2007 and to G in 2003. Find me this factoid.
Fucking hell Lotto have decimated this peloton.
Kristoff's positioning is very poor today. Every time they show him he's a million miles away from the action.
This poor IAM wants a bottle.
Gap down to '40 anyway.
Let's talk to Wilfried Peeters!
And now Tom Boonen! I don't understand any of these interviews but !!!!
Veel Succes Tommeke!!
Come on let's catch Lance Armstrong's body double and get this thing going!
54k with 38 seconds for the escapees.
OGE please don't Lampre this result.
They've got the gigs over at the Sporza commentary box, I wish I knew why.
Red Lottos out EN MASSE on the front of this climb
BUT ETIXX ISN'T MESSIN' EITHER
Do Julien Vermotte and Iljo kind of look alike in their helmets and sunnies? I could identify both of them from space but sometimes they seem very similar at a glance.
AHAHAHAHAH
RIGHT AS I SUGGESTED THIS, Julien proper DID AN ILJO.
Oh it was amaze. It's only because Iljo isn't physically in this race that I know it can't be him.
Those two need to go on tour.
They've got a bit of a gap here: GVA, Julien/Iljo, Peter, a non-Luke Sky, Devenyns, a Trek and maybe one other?
Who's this non-Pippo Southeast and what is he doing?
Does Le Crow feel no fatigue?? The man is a MACHINE.
He has been on the front ALL DAY, after KILLING IT yesterday. Rowey we salute you.
Alright they've caught that Southeast.
Just under 39k and now it's all about to be mayhem.
What about Niki?!!?!
GATTO IS HERE?!!?!!?
What even team does he ride for!?!
I got too excited.
Ok. There are three groups on the road but it's unclear who is in which.
Oh and one def just got caught.
And fucking Lotto and Katusha went to the same printers as Etixx and Topsport and chose Colour Option Red. It's impossible to tell what is ever happening at a distance.
NIKI!
Everyone should be as excellent as Niki and therefore wear their nation's flag for easy reference.
Julien is so totally playing the part of Iljo today. He just keeps attacking attacking attacking.
OH NO a lotto down!
What's that?!! Did a car OH MY JESUS FUCKING HELL
He was COMPLETELY FUCKING TAKEN OUT, completely hit HEAD ON by a fucking motorbike!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL.
They seem pretty chill about it!!! I'd be screaming!
(I am, essentially, screaming)
Rowey is like a Welsh Tommeke.
I feel like there should be an International Tom Boonen prize in the way there is an International Flandrien one and Le Crow should win it.
Or he could win the International Flandrien award cuz he fucking is.
I think we're into the big laps now?
SORT IT OUT DAVE. Call on them to man up and make them!
How did we get down to 28k? I think I blacked out during all the hit-and-run drama.
Ok
SO
A group with 40 seconds up front with: ROWE BOONEN VERMOTTE
and Ginger Pim
Also other people. Lots of them, but there they are classified by level of importance.
Behind, Katusha AND Lotto, just to confuse things (heretofore referred to as TEAM RED) are on the chase in a massive way.
Into Kortrjk!
Niki is with Team Red. Which I'm not thrilled about but I guess Tom and Julien have got it covered up front.
Luke up here with the big boys is so right.
BVP getting away on accident?
The fuck?
That was super weird. Under 20k.
What was that??
Cokey Tom held hands with the DirectEnergie across the road? Am I hallucinating? I mean they may have been passing a bar or something but still.
Guys do we care about the Drome and the Ardeche? Call me when they manifest themselves in the Ardennes classics and not before.
18k, 28 seconds.
Stuyven trying to get away now. You can't say they don't try, Trek.
Got a gap though. 16 seconds.
Into the last lap.
Peloton not far here. Everyone is within 33 seconds of each other.
Is that OGE rooting in the back pockets of that Lotto? Are there no teams anymore?
Le Crow could you win at Roubaix and just do what we all know you're made for??
Mention of Tim Wellens and Sean de Bie. The Belgian flag, basically.
If Jasper Stuyven is the one the girl next to me at Gent Six Day was screaming about then that's cool but not like you-should-win-KBK-cool, know what I'm saying?
6.3k and Luke and co are behind Jesper by 23 seconds. The peloton is about 20 seconds behind that.
FUCKIN HELL JASPER. Don't take yourself out of the game by going full tilt into a bollard!
3.5k ROWEY DON'T FLAG
NOT NOW
CATCH THIS GUY GUYS COME ON
I feel like they said 'clever boy, Gent boy' about Jasper, but I'm sure they didn't. But that should definitely be a thing.
CAN WE FUCKING NOT ETIXX
COME ON. 2k and he has 30 seconds!
What is this insanity? Ginger Pim is launching from the peloton, which is bizarre.
Oh my god it's not even the peloton, it was the elite group that was caught by the peloton!!!
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN
SOMEONE CATCH HIM WHAT IS THIS SHIT
Well. Better start warming to Jasper Stuyven then.
Aww. That was nice. But still.
Tommeke for second?
He's barely riding. He doesn't give a shit.
Kristoff, Bouhanni round out podium.
So meh. The meh-est.
That always happens!!!! THRILLING racing and then meh results.
Maybe if they ACTUALLY called themselves #SpartacusArmy...
Edit: Alright maybe if his nickname is ACTUALLY Stone Cold Stuyven.
And if Nathan Brown is in his corner then... ... GO JASPER.
Saturday 27 February 2016
Be Still My Flandrien Heart
Omloop Het Nieuwsblad
I will watch any race, any time, but let's be honest...
SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
A little reminder that the results weren't really my thing (AT ALL), but MY GOD the Classics were fucking excellent last year.
I should clarify that Luca's win was fabulous and that podium was the best probably in the history of cycling.
(Also, ACE MUSIC guys)
Oh Elia. That's lovely.
If it's in the Gent Citadelpark, I feel like I should be there.
Peter's like "Cheers, yeah, I'll have this before we kick off shall I?"
DO I HAVE A PULSE?!! YES I'M READY!
I mean, yeah I'm dead.
Nieuwsblad Extra? The people demand it.
Hellingen hellingen hellingen I'M TOO EXCITED!
(Elsewhere in the world, Wee Pierre to Garmin has been the best transfer ever. Who'd have guessed he was a hidden social media gem?)
Yeah but does he though.
SO REAL DAN.
CAN YOU SEE DE KARPER??????
There's a little break, Kristian House is in it. And Goujons.
But like what the hell. He just puts out the vibe. Tommeke for the next James Bond?
Are Topsport Vlaanderen and Etixx using the same printers? I mean, it's the same blue right?
From Cyclingnews: It's Keisse on the front and he's been there ever since the break moved clear. He barely changes position, and just keeps ticking along and setting the pace for his team and the peloton. It's such an important part of the make-up of Etixx, to be able to control the race during these early stages. It's always expected of them, and they always deliver on that front.
I WANT LIVE COVERAGE FROM START TO FINISH!!!!!!
Also I mean obviously what kind of maniac doesn't love Iljo Keisse, but whoever's writing this is clearly #TeamKeisse in a big way and I am lovin' that.
I'm coming late to this party but is Pat Lefevre's team legit the greatest in history?? And to receive praise from Papa Lefevre!! That is your life made right there.
Ok I know I said I'd watch anything but this #bda16 whatever it is going on over in France is clogging up the twitter feed.
Dan you amazing human.
BERT DE BACKER! Hi Bert! What a lovely man. Looking well. Keep the beard off Bert.
Onto the Kapelmuur.
God it's cool. I wish it was still part of Flanders.
My rudimentary Flemish suggests Bert and the Sporza lot agree with me.
As does everyone who's anyone. Damn.
Oh my fucking life they might actually be in De Karper.
Little background special on Teisj here. No pressure guy.
The feed just broke as we recapped Niki coming to the podium. Cuz obviously.
Tom is always so chill. What a fucking dude.
Ohhhhhhh my god, I had not seen this Grease thing Peter did til now. WHAT IS HE?? I love him.
Well, it's sad to leave Bert and Sporza but I don't actually speak Flemish. Don't let me down L'equipe.
I'm not sure about Katusha's new kit.
HIIIIIIIII ILJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hi Tony, also.
I could watch Iljo pedal all day.
Hokay. Let's not dream with Arnaud Demare guys.
Skys massing. SuperFenn, Elia... A dodgy moustache on Le Crow there?
Didn't recognize Kristian in his ONEPRO gear there. Doesn't help that DirectEnergie is a bit JTL-ish.
Gahhhh what's this?? Looks like not a crash but a bit of a bottleneck at the turn. All seems well.
Quinzy?? PHIL. ILJO I LOVE THIS
Who is even on OGE? I find them so difficult to know.
Who's this tiny Sky person?
Jempy Drucker has a very unique jaw shape.
Arret-pipi. En masse here.
Oooooh it's getting difficult for some now.
Ca doit rouler commeme! our commentator interrupts himself to say.
Snacktime for Tony. Tony feels no pain.
Oss!
Elia!
Whatever this team in white is!
Phillllllllllllll!
Peter! Lurking lurking
Break onto the Kruisberg! Kristian House bossing at the front.
OH NO WHAT'S THIS. OGE, Lotto Jumbo and a Lotto Soudal down.
I think Iljo just shoved Tony up the hill as he fell away.
I'm kinda into this commentary team on Equipe21.
NIKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Shielded behind Stijn.
Is Steve Chainel this decent commentator?
Luke, what is this facial hair. Come on buddy.
Ooooh something at the back. Sky is having more trouble than most.
Is Rod there???
I guess it could've been just like another ginger guy with a vaguely similar build.
Oh OGE. Man they're having a race to forget.
Some ACE bunny-hopping going on here. Gregory Rast and a Lotto Jumbo jumping sideways onto a bike path.
BMC PUTTIN' IT DOWN
BUT SKY IS PICKING IT UP
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THAT EXPLODED
Boonenberg has become LE CROW'S NEST.
Greg VanAv is with him also I guess.
Ugghhhhhh let's not recall last year PLEASE.
Peter is chasing with Oss.
HELL YES IL SAIT JOUER. Kid came 9th in Roubaix!! LE CROW IS THE MAN.
Peter caught Luke and Greg and they've basically caught those last breakaways
WHEN DID TIESJ GET HERE?!
THIS RACE IS AMAZING.
Guys it's hard enough to follow bike racing in a mainstream normal way let's just cool it with the women's coverage yeah?? One thing at a fucking time.
Tiesj leads the way!
Tiesj leads Greg this is harsh imagery.
THIS IS AMAING
LUKE & GREG & PETER & TIESJ I mean I don't know who else but who cares!???
Everyone's a mess, Luke had a graphic groin strain, Greg dropped his snack bar, Peter missed his bottle and nearly killed a man.
This is gorge. These four on the Wolvenberg is killer.
ohhhhh Etixx. Having to lead the chase behind.
But like when they're in front they lose so maybe this is a good thing??
Goddammit I love Luke I can't even be cool I want him to win.
Let's rein in those last breakaways just to clean things up a bit here ya?
Oh hello christ what else can I do with my mind?
Tony Martin pour les Etixx Quick Step. Je crois que c'est fichou pour les echappes.
Pretty stunning out there in the sun soaked fields of Flanders.
Is Julien Vermotte here?
Hey bro!
UGHHHHH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Etixx down on that turn! TONY?
WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS IT
Ok well he's up but
Fuck Niki managed some evasive action I THINK but he might've gone into the crowd briefly.
Fucking hell. I did not need that.
Alright so these last 2 dudes out front--
Oh jesus not for long. That was intense as LE CROW & CO came around that corner at them.
Ok so soon it'll be Luke's dudes and then the peloton at just over a minute.
Chase group? An IAM, a Bora Argon--
OH GOD COME ON GUYS
Another crash
NOOOO NOO NOO BMCS DOWN
They think it's PHILLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOO
NO I can't deal!!!!
Is that him on the side of the road?!!
Chase group a bit inconsequential. Wee Sylvain is there but that's it really.
Oh Niki why are you behind? Woe woe woe
Unless. Actually where is everyone?
Anyway 35-ish k and everyone is within a minute of each other.
David Millar is my jam.
HUP. Etixx caught the chasers. Nico Maes specifically.
Nico, Tony, Stijn at the head. Lots of Treks about as well.
AG2R? Do they have new kit? I can't see them though apparently they're there.
AAHHH it's E.T. and Tosh VDS trying to escape!
28k now. They suggest the break may have it? Is it too early for that sort of chat?
Trek sure is trying a lot of moves here.
What an utter bunch of weirdos we all are over in bike racing. But YES.
Dude legit laughed recounting Etixx's woe of yesteryear. Couldn't even hold on to a touch of professional detachment over the tactical stupidity.
Fuuuuuuuckin' hell Jesper went into that turn hard. Well that's that attack over.
Stijn leads the chase now.
There's like no peloton. It's like all of Etixx and like 4 other dudes.
Ooooof shit's getting real now.
Peter is kicking up the pace and dropping chaff.
Oh Etixx. What is the game plan here.
I know the gap isn't going OUT but it isn't going DOWN either.
15k with Luke, Peter, Tiejs, Greg, and Goujons.
You could make a fucking BRILLIANT podium with that or you could make a slightly shit one.
In any event, they have 51 seconds.
... Maybe this just isn't a race for Etixx.
GHENT. Hello!
Well Lotto is giving a little assistance now. Finally.
Well Petr Vakoc won over in Sud Ardeche so that may have to be enough for Papa Lefevre today.
Ok I just pissed myself. That's an acceptable mention of women's cycling.
DON'T TEMPT THE WRATH OF THE WHATEVER FROM HIGH ATOP THE THING.
Well yeah in this case he got drunk first.
The great riddle of our time.
7k.
DirectEnergie now getting in the game...
Tres French. Certainly it's over?
Crossing the Schelde. Here at the final frontier of the Oregon Trail.
Luke sort of looks like he might vomit.
But he also looks strong. I'm dying.
3.5k and 25 seconds!!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND MATH
Ou sont passes les Tom Boonen, les Niki Terpstra...
That was like beautiful and lyrical and a bit Catch-22.
5ieme ou 48ieme-- what are they even talking about??
TWO K.
FUCKING HELL ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS 18 SECONDS AND 1.2K!?!?
I could Luke-Rowe-vomit right now.
FLAMMMMMMMMEEEEEEE
THEY ARE ALL STILL TOGETHER OMG
THIS IS FUCKING MENTAL
LUKE STALKING
FUCKING GREG JESUS
WHATTTTTTTT!!!!!!
GREG ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING
Awwwww. Good on you GVA.
.... I think Peter did come in second tho.
Did Luke podium??
Hmm. Guess it was Tiesj for third.
Well. I could've done with a win for Le Crow but that was rather decent.
Wtf Greg is cuddling his child who is wearing a furry bear onesie. I'm dead.
Yeah, good for you Greg.
Peter. No one loves your lustrous hair more than I do, but is it getting a BIT long now?
That kid is totes shell shocked. she's like... "We've never been up here before..."
Those Kwaremont magnums are sweet.
I LOVE CLASSICS SEASON.
I will watch any race, any time, but let's be honest...
SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
A little reminder that the results weren't really my thing (AT ALL), but MY GOD the Classics were fucking excellent last year.
I should clarify that Luca's win was fabulous and that podium was the best probably in the history of cycling.
(Also, ACE MUSIC guys)
Oh Elia. That's lovely.
If it's in the Gent Citadelpark, I feel like I should be there.
Peter's like "Cheers, yeah, I'll have this before we kick off shall I?"
DO I HAVE A PULSE?!! YES I'M READY!
I mean, yeah I'm dead.
Nieuwsblad Extra? The people demand it.
Hellingen hellingen hellingen I'M TOO EXCITED!
(Elsewhere in the world, Wee Pierre to Garmin has been the best transfer ever. Who'd have guessed he was a hidden social media gem?)
Yeah but does he though.
SO REAL DAN.
CAN YOU SEE DE KARPER??????
There's a little break, Kristian House is in it. And Goujons.
But like what the hell. He just puts out the vibe. Tommeke for the next James Bond?
Are Topsport Vlaanderen and Etixx using the same printers? I mean, it's the same blue right?
From Cyclingnews: It's Keisse on the front and he's been there ever since the break moved clear. He barely changes position, and just keeps ticking along and setting the pace for his team and the peloton. It's such an important part of the make-up of Etixx, to be able to control the race during these early stages. It's always expected of them, and they always deliver on that front.
I WANT LIVE COVERAGE FROM START TO FINISH!!!!!!
Also I mean obviously what kind of maniac doesn't love Iljo Keisse, but whoever's writing this is clearly #TeamKeisse in a big way and I am lovin' that.
I'm coming late to this party but is Pat Lefevre's team legit the greatest in history?? And to receive praise from Papa Lefevre!! That is your life made right there.
Ok I know I said I'd watch anything but this #bda16 whatever it is going on over in France is clogging up the twitter feed.
Dan you amazing human.
BERT DE BACKER! Hi Bert! What a lovely man. Looking well. Keep the beard off Bert.
Onto the Kapelmuur.
God it's cool. I wish it was still part of Flanders.
My rudimentary Flemish suggests Bert and the Sporza lot agree with me.
As does everyone who's anyone. Damn.
Oh my fucking life they might actually be in De Karper.
Little background special on Teisj here. No pressure guy.
The feed just broke as we recapped Niki coming to the podium. Cuz obviously.
Tom is always so chill. What a fucking dude.
Ohhhhhhh my god, I had not seen this Grease thing Peter did til now. WHAT IS HE?? I love him.
Well, it's sad to leave Bert and Sporza but I don't actually speak Flemish. Don't let me down L'equipe.
I'm not sure about Katusha's new kit.
HIIIIIIIII ILJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hi Tony, also.
I could watch Iljo pedal all day.
Hokay. Let's not dream with Arnaud Demare guys.
Skys massing. SuperFenn, Elia... A dodgy moustache on Le Crow there?
Didn't recognize Kristian in his ONEPRO gear there. Doesn't help that DirectEnergie is a bit JTL-ish.
Gahhhh what's this?? Looks like not a crash but a bit of a bottleneck at the turn. All seems well.
Quinzy?? PHIL. ILJO I LOVE THIS
Who is even on OGE? I find them so difficult to know.
Who's this tiny Sky person?
Jempy Drucker has a very unique jaw shape.
Arret-pipi. En masse here.
Oooooh it's getting difficult for some now.
Ca doit rouler commeme! our commentator interrupts himself to say.
Snacktime for Tony. Tony feels no pain.
Oss!
Elia!
Whatever this team in white is!
Phillllllllllllll!
Peter! Lurking lurking
Break onto the Kruisberg! Kristian House bossing at the front.
OH NO WHAT'S THIS. OGE, Lotto Jumbo and a Lotto Soudal down.
I think Iljo just shoved Tony up the hill as he fell away.
I'm kinda into this commentary team on Equipe21.
NIKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Shielded behind Stijn.
Is Steve Chainel this decent commentator?
Luke, what is this facial hair. Come on buddy.
Ooooh something at the back. Sky is having more trouble than most.
Is Rod there???
I guess it could've been just like another ginger guy with a vaguely similar build.
Oh OGE. Man they're having a race to forget.
Some ACE bunny-hopping going on here. Gregory Rast and a Lotto Jumbo jumping sideways onto a bike path.
BMC PUTTIN' IT DOWN
BUT SKY IS PICKING IT UP
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THAT EXPLODED
Boonenberg has become LE CROW'S NEST.
Greg VanAv is with him also I guess.
Ugghhhhhh let's not recall last year PLEASE.
Peter is chasing with Oss.
HELL YES IL SAIT JOUER. Kid came 9th in Roubaix!! LE CROW IS THE MAN.
Peter caught Luke and Greg and they've basically caught those last breakaways
WHEN DID TIESJ GET HERE?!
THIS RACE IS AMAZING.
Guys it's hard enough to follow bike racing in a mainstream normal way let's just cool it with the women's coverage yeah?? One thing at a fucking time.
Tiesj leads the way!
Tiesj leads Greg this is harsh imagery.
THIS IS AMAING
LUKE & GREG & PETER & TIESJ I mean I don't know who else but who cares!???
Everyone's a mess, Luke had a graphic groin strain, Greg dropped his snack bar, Peter missed his bottle and nearly killed a man.
This is gorge. These four on the Wolvenberg is killer.
ohhhhh Etixx. Having to lead the chase behind.
But like when they're in front they lose so maybe this is a good thing??
Goddammit I love Luke I can't even be cool I want him to win.
Let's rein in those last breakaways just to clean things up a bit here ya?
Oh hello christ what else can I do with my mind?
Tony Martin pour les Etixx Quick Step. Je crois que c'est fichou pour les echappes.
Pretty stunning out there in the sun soaked fields of Flanders.
Is Julien Vermotte here?
Hey bro!
UGHHHHH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Etixx down on that turn! TONY?
WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS IT
Ok well he's up but
Fuck Niki managed some evasive action I THINK but he might've gone into the crowd briefly.
Fucking hell. I did not need that.
Alright so these last 2 dudes out front--
Oh jesus not for long. That was intense as LE CROW & CO came around that corner at them.
Ok so soon it'll be Luke's dudes and then the peloton at just over a minute.
Chase group? An IAM, a Bora Argon--
OH GOD COME ON GUYS
Another crash
NOOOO NOO NOO BMCS DOWN
They think it's PHILLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOO
NO I can't deal!!!!
Is that him on the side of the road?!!
Chase group a bit inconsequential. Wee Sylvain is there but that's it really.
Oh Niki why are you behind? Woe woe woe
Unless. Actually where is everyone?
Anyway 35-ish k and everyone is within a minute of each other.
David Millar is my jam.
HUP. Etixx caught the chasers. Nico Maes specifically.
Nico, Tony, Stijn at the head. Lots of Treks about as well.
AG2R? Do they have new kit? I can't see them though apparently they're there.
AAHHH it's E.T. and Tosh VDS trying to escape!
28k now. They suggest the break may have it? Is it too early for that sort of chat?
Trek sure is trying a lot of moves here.
What an utter bunch of weirdos we all are over in bike racing. But YES.
Dude legit laughed recounting Etixx's woe of yesteryear. Couldn't even hold on to a touch of professional detachment over the tactical stupidity.
Fuuuuuuuckin' hell Jesper went into that turn hard. Well that's that attack over.
Stijn leads the chase now.
There's like no peloton. It's like all of Etixx and like 4 other dudes.
Ooooof shit's getting real now.
Peter is kicking up the pace and dropping chaff.
Oh Etixx. What is the game plan here.
I know the gap isn't going OUT but it isn't going DOWN either.
15k with Luke, Peter, Tiejs, Greg, and Goujons.
You could make a fucking BRILLIANT podium with that or you could make a slightly shit one.
In any event, they have 51 seconds.
... Maybe this just isn't a race for Etixx.
GHENT. Hello!
Well Lotto is giving a little assistance now. Finally.
Well Petr Vakoc won over in Sud Ardeche so that may have to be enough for Papa Lefevre today.
Ok I just pissed myself. That's an acceptable mention of women's cycling.
DON'T TEMPT THE WRATH OF THE WHATEVER FROM HIGH ATOP THE THING.
Well yeah in this case he got drunk first.
The great riddle of our time.
7k.
DirectEnergie now getting in the game...
Tres French. Certainly it's over?
Crossing the Schelde. Here at the final frontier of the Oregon Trail.
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Luke sort of looks like he might vomit.
But he also looks strong. I'm dying.
3.5k and 25 seconds!!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND MATH
Ou sont passes les Tom Boonen, les Niki Terpstra...
That was like beautiful and lyrical and a bit Catch-22.
5ieme ou 48ieme-- what are they even talking about??
TWO K.
FUCKING HELL ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS 18 SECONDS AND 1.2K!?!?
I could Luke-Rowe-vomit right now.
FLAMMMMMMMMEEEEEEE
THEY ARE ALL STILL TOGETHER OMG
THIS IS FUCKING MENTAL
LUKE STALKING
FUCKING GREG JESUS
WHATTTTTTTT!!!!!!
GREG ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING
Awwwww. Good on you GVA.
.... I think Peter did come in second tho.
Did Luke podium??
Hmm. Guess it was Tiesj for third.
Well. I could've done with a win for Le Crow but that was rather decent.
Wtf Greg is cuddling his child who is wearing a furry bear onesie. I'm dead.
Yeah, good for you Greg.
Peter. No one loves your lustrous hair more than I do, but is it getting a BIT long now?
That kid is totes shell shocked. she's like... "We've never been up here before..."
Those Kwaremont magnums are sweet.
I LOVE CLASSICS SEASON.
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