The Lampre Effect

Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne

I think 'best of luck and a donkey' should be a new phrase of encouragement.

Giant must have known I'd be sad without Iljo, so they brought their A TEAM.

Especially Koen, who has been very informative in the run up.

He's such a show pony.

(SO BEAUTIFUL BRING IT BACK FLANDERS!)

Cyclingnews have suggested that Erik Zabel is in the mix for BMC. Guys the racing hasn't even started yet and you're losing your shit, let's try and keep it together.

Everything seems beautifully dramatic to me right now. I kind of think my spy name should be Wegwijzer Hellingen.

It's very cold out there and apparently Peter almost missed the start. Probably wishing he had some of that Spanish tea now.

These bloody heroes have time for everyone, even in subzero temperatures.

I like that sleek gilets-only look the boys are sporting.

They're talking an awful lot about the wind today...

...

Obviously I do understand but I DON'T UNDERSTAND why we can't have live coverage from start to finish.

There's a break of 11 including what sounds like a high-end tailors: De Man & Cardis.

Or possibly law firm to the Belgian Royal Family: Druyts, De Man, & Cardis.

Peter it seems has gone for the full Cool Runnings look.

The gap is alternately listed at 8 minutes and 10 seconds so ffs can we please get some coverage going here

Maybe that was just cyclingnews being incompetent.

Anyway, they now agree that the gap is around 8 minutes and suggest Captain Curvers is stuck in no man's land somewhere in the middle.

Hello beautiful humans.

Why is it always something as fucking ridiculous as downhill skiing that keeps me from cycling coverage?

Ahh is this Caleb Ewan? If it's a podium with him and Kristoff and... I dunno an indeterminate Topsport I'll be asleep.

Well that was a false alarm. Sporza at least had us at the race but now we're doing live coverage of... dirtbikes, in Qatar?

Honestly though, neither of these seem close to ending... WTF.

I'm not sure I can cope with this.

Cool sweater guy. Legit thought it was Wout at first glance. Would be a good #Woutontinder profile pic.

THEN SOMEBODY TELL THE TELEVISION.

Maybe I've misunderstood time but also the website says the links are live so stop making me feel crazy, internet!

I get Eurosport cuz they're a bit shit and always late to the game, but Sporza, WHY?! They obvs blew the budget with Bert yesterday and now can't afford to broadcast anymore.

AH WHAT OK I THINK WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE

... Did I know Nick Nuyens was Belgian? Is there ANY reason that up until this second I thought he was Australian?

Dries Devenyns is quite cool looking. He's got a dramatic face.

NIKIIIIIIII

Tommekeeeeeeee

Peter really with the hair. One man bun in the peloton is already one too many.

Le Crow leading from the front here.

Needless to say if I'd first discovered Luke Rowe via Sporza the name 'Le Crow' would never have been born.

YOHANN GENE what happened?? He's solo on the side of the road with a broken bike. How?

OMFG Oude Kwaremont coming up.

I feel like J. De Man has an obligation to change his first name to something beginning with U.

Champion is a good word but I really feel like KAMPIOEN has like an additional element of badassery somehow.

Oooooof looks hard out there. They're on flat road but FLYING along, leaving riders in their wake.

It's a rather excellent language. Funny how sometimes you (think) you understand it.

Red Lottos on the front with Luke.

OOOOOH watch out, Peter is on the move!!!!

Is 83.3k too far out for a solo attack to the finish!?!

He's taken a Trek with him, cuz obviously.

They're taking a lot about Tjalingii... COULD HE WIN?

OMG they mentioned Adam Blythe several times too what the hell are they saying??

The Kwaremont possibly broke everyone into groups?

If there be winds this could be a difficult claw back

Luke is such a fucking badass. Up here in this elite group.

Maybe Adam is in it??? Maybe that's what they were saying?

Etixx is all over it. They aren't gonna make the same mistake today!

A different mistake, sure, but definitely, definitely not the same one.

Gap under 3 minutes now btw

I wonder whatever happened to Roy....

You can tell it's probably fucking freezing but it sure looks glorious in the sun on some of these climbs.

Ski jumping. Eurosport believe that SKI JUMPING is an appropriate alternative to bike racing.

Was Yanto Barker an extra in the Lance Armstrong film The Program? ... My interpretation of Sporza commentary currently.

Niki chatting to Kristoff. It didn't look THAT happy.

...Obviously I had to investigate this. I WAS VERY CLOSE.

Hmmm ok well Eurosport is on now but I wonder if I should stick with Sporza given it's Brian Smith.

.. And Carlton Kirby. Nope, back to pidgin Flemish!

Whatcha doin' Sky boys?

That was a silly non-attack.

Seems everyone's back together, peloton-wise. Escape still at 2-ish minutes.

Interesting tactic B Van Poppel. Is he even riding the same race? Some of these bike baths are like in different counties to the cobbled road.

Proving popular though. Til it comes time to make that left turn at Albuquerque presumably.

Red Lotto are going cray at the front here.

Something happened to Adam in 2007 and to G in 2003. Find me this factoid.

Fucking hell Lotto have decimated this peloton.

Kristoff's positioning is very poor today. Every time they show him he's a million miles away from the action.

This poor IAM wants a bottle.

Gap down to '40 anyway.

Let's talk to Wilfried Peeters!

And now Tom Boonen! I don't understand any of these interviews but !!!!

Veel Succes Tommeke!!

Come on let's catch Lance Armstrong's body double and get this thing going!

54k with 38 seconds for the escapees.

OGE please don't Lampre this result.

They've got the gigs over at the Sporza commentary box, I wish I knew why.

Red Lottos out EN MASSE on the front of this climb

BUT ETIXX ISN'T MESSIN' EITHER

Do Julien Vermotte and Iljo kind of look alike in their helmets and sunnies? I could identify both of them from space but sometimes they seem very similar at a glance.

AHAHAHAHAH

RIGHT AS I SUGGESTED THIS, Julien proper DID AN ILJO.

Oh it was amaze. It's only because Iljo isn't physically in this race that I know it can't be him.

Those two need to go on tour.

They've got a bit of a gap here: GVA, Julien/Iljo, Peter, a non-Luke Sky, Devenyns, a Trek and maybe one other?

Who's this non-Pippo Southeast and what is he doing?

Does Le Crow feel no fatigue?? The man is a MACHINE.

He has been on the front ALL DAY, after KILLING IT yesterday. Rowey we salute you.

Alright they've caught that Southeast.

Just under 39k and now it's all about to be mayhem.

What about Niki?!!?!

GATTO IS HERE?!!?!!?

What even team does he ride for!?!

I got too excited.

Ok. There are three groups on the road but it's unclear who is in which.

Oh and one def just got caught.

And fucking Lotto and Katusha went to the same printers as Etixx and Topsport and chose Colour Option Red. It's impossible to tell what is ever happening at a distance.

NIKI!

Everyone should be as excellent as Niki and therefore wear their nation's flag for easy reference.

Julien is so totally playing the part of Iljo today. He just keeps attacking attacking attacking.

OH NO a lotto down!

What's that?!! Did a car OH MY JESUS FUCKING HELL

He was COMPLETELY FUCKING TAKEN OUT, completely hit HEAD ON by a fucking motorbike!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL.

They seem pretty chill about it!!! I'd be screaming!

(I am, essentially, screaming)

Rowey is like a Welsh Tommeke.

I feel like there should be an International Tom Boonen prize in the way there is an International Flandrien one and Le Crow should win it.

Or he could win the International Flandrien award cuz he fucking is.

I think we're into the big laps now?

SORT IT OUT DAVE. Call on them to man up and make them!

How did we get down to 28k? I think I blacked out during all the hit-and-run drama.

Ok

SO

A group with 40 seconds up front with: ROWE BOONEN VERMOTTE

and Ginger Pim

Also other people. Lots of them, but there they are classified by level of importance.

Behind, Katusha AND Lotto, just to confuse things (heretofore referred to as TEAM RED) are on the chase in a massive way.

Into Kortrjk!

Niki is with Team Red. Which I'm not thrilled about but I guess Tom and Julien have got it covered up front.

Luke up here with the big boys is so right.

BVP getting away on accident?

The fuck?

That was super weird. Under 20k.

What was that??

Cokey Tom held hands with the DirectEnergie across the road? Am I hallucinating? I mean they may have been passing a bar or something but still.

Guys do we care about the Drome and the Ardeche? Call me when they manifest themselves in the Ardennes classics and not before.

18k, 28 seconds.

Stuyven trying to get away now. You can't say they don't try, Trek.

Got a gap though. 16 seconds.

Into the last lap.

Peloton not far here. Everyone is within 33 seconds of each other.

Is that OGE rooting in the back pockets of that Lotto? Are there no teams anymore?

Le Crow could you win at Roubaix and just do what we all know you're made for??

Mention of Tim Wellens and Sean de Bie. The Belgian flag, basically.

If Jasper Stuyven is the one the girl next to me at Gent Six Day was screaming about then that's cool but not like you-should-win-KBK-cool, know what I'm saying?

6.3k and Luke and co are behind Jesper by 23 seconds. The peloton is about 20 seconds behind that.

FUCKIN HELL JASPER. Don't take yourself out of the game by going full tilt into a bollard!

3.5k ROWEY DON'T FLAG

NOT NOW

CATCH THIS GUY GUYS COME ON

I feel like they said 'clever boy, Gent boy' about Jasper, but I'm sure they didn't. But that should definitely be a thing.

CAN WE FUCKING NOT ETIXX

COME ON. 2k and he has 30 seconds!

What is this insanity? Ginger Pim is launching from the peloton, which is bizarre.

Oh my god it's not even the peloton, it was the elite group that was caught by the peloton!!!

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN

SOMEONE CATCH HIM WHAT IS THIS SHIT

Well. Better start warming to Jasper Stuyven then.

Aww. That was nice. But still.

Tommeke for second?

He's barely riding. He doesn't give a shit.

Kristoff, Bouhanni round out podium.

So meh. The meh-est.

That always happens!!!! THRILLING racing and then meh results.

Maybe if they ACTUALLY called themselves #SpartacusArmy...


Edit: Alright maybe if his nickname is ACTUALLY Stone Cold Stuyven.

And if Nathan Brown is in his corner then... ... GO JASPER.