I Dreamed a Dream

Milan-San Remo:

NO. STOP IT.

Somehow these descriptions don't seem to convey JUST HOW INCREDIBLE these dudes are.

I MEAN LOOK.

Also, can that be true?

Seems so wrong. And also I feel like Tommeke's win at Roubaix was like last year which it obviously wasn't.

Raisport you heroes broadcasting a whole hour earlier than everyone!

Though.. also a whole year earlier?

I DEFINITELY didn't black out and we're suddenly at 30k.

GAH don't show me Julien and his glorious hair crashing this is definitely last year right?!!

AHHH THEY'RE AT THE SAN REMO FOUNTAIN I WANT TO BE THERE

Alright I don't need to see the devastating heartbreak and lameness of last year.

We know the scene but we don't know the actors. What a poetic way of describing this GORGEOUS RACE.

Guys Demare isn't gonna double it c'mon be real.

Pippo and the Two-Handed Wave. A children's story.

I still expect to see Taylor on BMC.

I mean he's not even here, adding further confusion, but still.

This is basically French coverage in Classics season.

Lord it's bad enough when there ISN'T a French contender but are we just gonna talk about Arnaud Demare or are we gonna have a bike race?

I do quite love Pippo even though he's a bit of a weirdo.

Nacer Bouhanni is here?

The "best French sprinter behind Arnaud Demare" is basically nothing.

Wow. They've managed to come up with coverage MORE BORING than a retrospective on Arnaud Demare.

PETER'S BEING WEIRD AS USUAL!!

He's being like bizarrely obstructive and giggling and then walked away.

WAY TO BRING UP THE VIBE PETER

They're doing a recap of his weird podiums at Tirreno. He is so ace.

Peter Sagan in the same sentance as Arnaud Demare and SONNY COLBRELLI

ON Y VA POUR CETTE EDITION

Luke standing around looking like a fucking dude

Look I love Charly but it seems like Garmin always comes in with a relaxed attitude and lots of options and comes away with SO LITTLE you wonder if they even fielded a team. Do we think it might be time to reevaluate the strategy guys?

SWIFTY

YOU ARE LOVELY

Alex alongside Stevo. Yes please.

Bernie lurking near the front keeping an eye like a BOSS.

Piss time in the breakaway. The most exciting thing going on there.

Hey Phil in your champs jersey

This race is so brutal... We've been going for over four hours but you still have more than 100k left and haven't even hit the mountains. Hey ho.

WHY DOES JAY ROBERT THOMPSON RESEMBLE STEVO SO MUCH ON THE BIKE IT IS BAFFLING.

AW HEY JULIEN I know you!

...because Iljo isn't in this race. Because that's another weird on-bike twinning that doesn't make sense.

Except that they're attitude twins.

Peter looks like he's picking out a kitten at PetSmart here.

Man the fact that Fab podiumed at like every San Remo in the past 20 years really confuses things when you look at the list of winners.

PETER in the pack. Gaviria glued to his wheel.

Careful you don't get caught up in that weave Fernando.

Just kidding I LOVE PETER'S HAIR I'M SORRY

I mean how has he made the man-bun acceptable? How are his highlights so perfectly placed? AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT VOLUME. He is obviously made of magic.

Hey Cav. Have you had a trendy haircut or something?

Jule chatting to William Bonnet.

He wants to take charge.

Seriously. This is only gonna get weirder.

I'll say.

Glimpse of Captain Curvers there

IST JOHN.

CETTE IMMAGE NOUS FAIT PLAISIR

TOO RIGHT.

Got a speedsuit on...

Haiiiii Peter! Is he getting his own water bottle?

GOOOOOOORGEOUS LIGURIA I ADORE YOU

Are we just looking at Pippo's thigh in close up for no reason? Maybe zoom and slow-mo need to be removed from the camera operator arsenal.

Not stunning weather today. But not, you know, the worst.

Peter is YUKKING IT UP

And now he's yukking it up with Bernie so KILL ME

Peter's had a shave it would seem.

Luke strategising with Elia at the back here while he searches for an appropriate snack.

70k to go.

Please don't let Caleb Ewan win this. SNOOZE.

IF YOU SAY SO

Second feed zone and then CAPO CAPO CAPO!

Piss time for an OPQS.

Do they not... It looks like there's a kind of high likelihood you could be pissed on by someone going along here.

Not sure about 'city of 100 towers', Albenga. I see three.

They're kind of saying that the fact that Peter is eating shows JUST HOW INTENSE this race is. As if normally he doesn't require food like a normal human.

TRIO OF CAPOS begins with CAPO MELE

Different peeps coming to the front now. John's Treks and AG2R for whoever they've got.

C'mon let's get this breakaway over with already.

BERNIE IN THE HOUSE WATCH OUT

Cav

Luke

Elia

Love the imagery of racing along these walls on the climb

I mean if it was newbie Nate Brown in the breakaway maybe I'd care but COME ON playtime's over

WHERE. They said they saw Julian Alaphillipe but I don't.

It's still just Belgian Julien as far as I can tell

COLD. Julien blates just saw that AG2R go and DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT.

I mean THAT was a good use of zoom and slow-mo actually, seeing that face.

Thought Bert was at San Remo so that would have to rival Garmindale's current campaign.

CAPO BERTA

Well it doesn't LOOK like Goujons has 45 seconds when the peloton is RIGHT ON HIS ASS

Ah they've just wiped away all the time markers

YESSSSSSSSS THOSE FLAMETHROWERS

THIS LOOKS MAD

FECK could Etixx and FDJ go to different blue printers please!? I had a panic attack thinking an Etixx was delayed and it was Mikel Delage ffs

I think they just passed that fountain that John Degenkolb posed at in 1900.

Goddamn I mean cycling used to be EXTRA badass.

Racing to the base of the Cipressa

Oh it's all going off

Bahrain swarming, Katusha was there for a bit, Julien tried to maintain control, Daniel Oss appeared and disappeared

Lotto is now charging

EVERYONE IS WEARING RED THIS IS MADNESS

SKY PUSHING NOW

Bye bye breakaway!

ON Y EST

Ok apparently everyone is tres bien place.

WHAT'S THIIIIIIIIS

A tiny break is managing to go

A sunweb and Oss and some other people and a lotto and Trentin

A Sky flew across

PHILGIL is trying to join

Sort of everything together again but now BELGIAN TED?!?!? GOES?!

YES IT IS

Ahh shit Geshke's Beard is the one chasing him

Compatto

ALAPHILLIPE IS LURKING ON ONE SIDE AND PHIL IS ON THE OTHER

They think Cav is no longer bien place!!

Wow they've written him RIGHT off. I'm not entirely sure where he is.

Tommy of the Mill is KILLING the group

He know's John's not on his team anymore right?

Shhhhhhhh. Let him hide in plain sight.

22k.

Is that Kwiato in Peter's wheel?

Bahrain attacking now

Attacking the descent. CLASSIC Shark move.

Tony Gallopin attacking

Julian is staying Peter's wheel back here

Back together again

Peter comes towards the front

Julian has a lot of teammates

WHICH I KNOW IS NEVER GOOD BUT COME ON

Everyone in trains

Is Daniel Oss a giant? He looks huge on the bike.

Etixx taking the lead as we head for the Poggio

Tommeke takes us there

C'est royal con meme, quelle seigneur!

How long to go?

PIED DU POGGIO

TREK PUSH

FOLLOWED BY SKY PUSH

Sky takes over on the front

Was that Luke?

Dumoulin looks like he's trying to... do something? He looks like he's trying SO hard here and that Sky behind him doesn't even look like he's breaking a sweat!

Twitter might be ahead of the feed. Or I mean.. it's just a good bet isn't it?

Ok I can't have feeds breaking now NOT NOW

SAGAN KWIATO AND JULIAN AWAY AT 5K OF COURSE THE FEED BROKE

OTHER THINGS ARE HAPPENING

SAGAN RELANCE

KWIATO CAN'T STICK BUT JULIAN CAN

KWIATO'S STILL HANGING ON

Julian shaking out his legs

They have 17 seconds and 2k

IS THIS THE GREATEST PODIUM IN THE HISTORY OF RECORDED TIME I THINK IT MIGHT BE

EVERYONE STAY BACK

FLAMME ROUGE

Julian seemed to look back but I don't know because this picture breakup is INSANE

Peter leads with Kwiato then Julian

THIS IS LIKE STOP MOTION ANIMATION

Peter looks back

HE'S GOING

THEY ARE ALL TRYING

THEOH MY FUCKING

KWIATO EDGED OUT PETER

PETER IMMEDIATELY TOOK HIS HAND WHAT A LEGEND

I thought Julian was gonna get it there coming up in the end

Jesus hell they both THREW their bikes and then nearly collided

LOVELY KWIATO

EVERYONE IS HUGGING HIM

IS HE CRYING??? I LOVE HIM

Hey Michal how much did you win by?

FUCKIN HELL it's Julian's first San Remo I forgot!

KID IS KNOCKIN' ON THE DOOR BIGTIME

Serious dream podium.

Kwiato taps Julian on the back: 'c'mon pote, let's do this.'

What is Peter pointing at TELL US

Julian is so tiny and precious!

Peter has musketeer facial hair going on and I don't hate it

Michaaaaaaaaallllllll

LOOK AT HIS LITTLE FACE

YES. Julian goes straight to champagne spray Michal and Peter follows suit.

YOU KNOW IT VDV.

Find me this tandem bicycle.