Chapeau, Monsieur Panache.

Stage 7: Le Mans - Châteauroux:

Oh my god, Sky have Nigel Tufnell as DS in the form of Sean Yates.  Swifty was back at the car getting the day’s briefing, in a way.  “Ah the finnnij versa bangawn tayolwin” Swifty was baffled: “Bang on tailwind??”  Mate, I may be from Yorkshire but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

These crashes are absolutely preposterous. It’s going to be like the old days when 100 guys started and the one man alive at the end was the winner.

Prentice Steffen also as some very interesting and extremely relevant points to make here.

I’m actually quite shocked at the condition some of these guys were allowed to ride on in.

You’d almost want to go in a breakaway every day just to get away from all the nervous, dangerous pelaton.

Oh dear, Phil and Paul really have lost it now. HTC has one mission, and that is "to deliver Mark Cavendish to the missile base!"  What, I cannot fathom, will be the bike riding equivalent of the Cuban Missile Crisis?

HTC are so epic.  Like poetry in motion. Like Dave Z in a time trial.

Romain Feilleiu DOES seem to cause havoc as Cav suggests.

Aaaaand it's number 17 for the Missile from the Isle of Man, where it all began.

Stage 8: Aigurande - Super-Besse Sancy :

Tejay in the break!!

And Addy’s out there too! Addy hung with Cokey Tom during the lonely chase back to the finish after his hideous, concussion-inducing crash. And for this of course we love him.

Just a bit of weeing down the side there.  Where’s PhilGil to regulate Pee Time and get this race to stop?

George is grabbing everyone’s rain gear to take back to the car. What a gracious host.

Phil and Paul love George. And hilarious imagery. "He will do whatever he can to lead this dance, he’s a very good chief of the orchestra."

Is Thor riding on a motorbike while everyone else races? He’s just like laughing and chatting all the time.

“There's the green jersey of Thomas Voeckler-- he’ll be looking for the move.” That is so his vibe.

Oh my god, the poor cows. ‘Red’, white, and ‘blue’ painted. Turned out more purple, white, and pink.  They do not look impressed.

Bit of British pride for David Millar there: "He could pull back 7 seconds on Cadel Evans as easy as you like."

What an epic day for Tejay, I thought he might have it there in the end.

Other:

Oh what, this? Now where have I seen that before? Only me, little french hero Thomas Voeckler.  And yes, the (often drunk) french commentators do call me Monsieur Panache.

Well, who's still able to put there feet on pedals out there?  A handful of concussions here, a baker's dozen of broken collar bones there, Henri Desgrange is finally getting his wish that one man will arrive in Paris alive, and that man will be crowned the winner. 

And with all the other danger and hideousness out there, riders probably shouldn't have to worry about being sicked on.

Meanwhile, Andy Schleck doesn't appear to suffer. Ever.

Also meanwhile, Johnny Hoogerland, hero of the race (and possibly the world) suffers simply far too much.  Let's just recap there: After a car swerved towards him, he was THROWN from his bike INTO A BARBED WIRE FENCE.  I mean come on, that is just too much.  When the car hits Flecha directly and he hits the floor, that's quite bad enough, and then a human body goes sailing through the air in the background, only to become entangled in a BARBED WIRE FENCE.  What if it had been electric?

Johnny Hoogerland, we salute you.

Millar Time.

Stage 2: Les Essarts- Les Essarts

Why don’t we talk about Klodi possibly being in yellow? Why are we just always endlessly talking about Sky and G Thomas and the endless potential that Sky NEVER FULFILL?

I’m not sure of the validity of a team time trial, but they sure used to be a thing of beauty in the Postal/Disco Days.

“Sky and HTC have this rivalry… Mark Cavendish loves to beat them…”  As if I didn't like Cav enough.  But honestly, how annoying would it be to be on HTC and WIN EVERYTHING and just have people CONSTANTLY talk about another team who WINS NOTHING as like your equal.

If HTC lapped Sky out on course that would be so epic.

YEAH ‘watch out for a surprise from AG2R’!  GET IN THERE NICA ROCHE.

In terrible foreshadowing of Bernie's crash-tastic taking of that corner, Paul explains that TT bikes are "designed to go fast in a straight line”. Don't deviate from the formula!

“Look at the STYLE there of that man, he’s just gonna jump in front of his teammate and give him a break.”  They are all about Lil Tom this year!  The praise is so effusive!

 FUCK YOU SKY.  Garmin OWNED you.

Oh Bernie!!!

They're gonna make me cry with this commentary! “A very, very popular member of the squad. He will be very embarrassed by that, sitting on the floor.”  Not that I would want anyone to fall, but certainly never Bernie!

"Fabian Cancellara is worth THREE men." Honestly, sometimes I wonder if they don't actually love some of these riders.

Oh come on, they won't let it go! "This will forever be known as ‘Eisel Corner’."

"You’ve got big power in there, you’ve got George Hincapie."

I am lovin' Lay-oh-pard Trek very much.  I almost wish there were more Schlecks, just cuz it amuses me so much with two of them: "117 Schleck, that’s Frank; 111 Schleck, that’s Andy."

If Bernie gets eliminated cuz of the time cut, I’ll stop watching.

I won't, but it will be really stupid. Like when Robbie Hunter got eliminated before the Champs.  

Well, amazing bit of work from BMC, but what do you expect from a squad captained (lieutenant-ed?) by Big George Hincapie.

TheShack were certainly excellent as well, though I would've preferred if they could've beaten Sky. But I would've preferred if everyone could've beaten Sky, really.

And considering the Schlecks mostly move backwards in a Time Trial, I am serrrrrriously impressed with the Leopards. Obviously Spartacus is worth three men, but they kicked some serious ass, even with nature clearly against them.

I suppose if anyone had to beat the Leopards, I'm ok that it's Garmin.  Cuz they guarantee podium japes.  Also, Dave Z always offers up an amused, wry smile, the expression of which he is king.

Plus, hello, could I actually love David Millar more?

Until tomorrow, we'll await Cav's clandestine photo of Bernie's wounded bum.

Vendee La Chemise

And so it begins...

Tour de France 2011

Stage 1: Passage du Gois La Barre-de-Monts - Mont des Alouettes Les Herbiers

Some pre race interviews and David Millar, naturally, tells it like it is: [Re: Contador and his meats] “It’s not his fault, it’s the sport’s fault, it’s the authorites’ fault... They should get their act together.”

Oh yay.  Matt Rendle, Chris Boardman, and Ned Boulting taking us through the first 60km.  Try not to kill the sport.

“It was up to Alberto to prove he had eaten some contaminated beef. Obviously he proved it to the satisfaction of the Spanish Cycling Federation.” Yeah, by going, “I ate some bad meat” -- CASE CLOSED.

Our first mention of Lil Tom, “largely credited for saving the team.” He is an actual French hero. 

“FDJ was outclassed last year by BBox.”  And pretty much every year. Cuz they manage not to be taken down by dogs and take stage wins from Axel Merckx. I'm looking at you, Sandy.

Some of the riders seem a bit unfamiliar with the cameras among them. "What up, I’m John Gadret. ... Oh you’re still there. ... Did you need something?"  Then he just looked a bit confused and went ‘Ca va?’  The cameraman seemed satisfied and left him alone.

Aww, Cav crying on the podium still chokes me up!

Is Thor super popular in the pelaton? He’s always chatting with someone. He is the Queen Bee of the pelaton.

“He’s suggested he might make the podium, and he’s bitten people’s heads off when they suggested he might make the podium.  But that’s Brad.”  Yeah. What a guy.

He doesn’t come across well, Bradley.  Like, he's not doing himself any favors there by opening his mouth.

Ha, David Millar has been making some typically amazing statements about Brad being a dick etc, and now he's having to reign it in (also rather dramatically): “I’ve gone too far now.” Apparently they've mended their bridges, but I think we know whose side EVERYONE would be on if there were an actual fistfight.

Jeremy Roy has a note he’s prepared for this occasion! Something about 'bonheur', can't really read it. That's cute.

That was a wee bit hilarious. No pun intended. PhilGil peeled off the side, then people just started dropping.  PhilGil says it’s Wee Time!

Eww. Cav should not go to Sky. I mean I know they’ll give him a million billion dollars, but WTF? It makes no sense. Plus everyone knows HTC is where it's at.

Frankie!  Our first glimpse.  The Leopards are bunching off to the right.

The warning system is going a bit nuts here in traffic furniture country. Hand down to the right. To the left. Ooh right again. THERE'S SHIT EVERYWHERE.

A crash! Oh my god, it was a bit heavy.

Jurgen Van De Walle it was.  Seems to be ok. Everyone’s working their way back up.

I don’t know what’s going on in that Skoda commercial.  Someone’s had a go at Cokey Tom’s secret stash before making that.

Is Chris Boardman the dullest man alive?

There seem to be so many 'two-pronged attacks' in this year’s Tour.  I think some Directeur Sportifs need to have a think about what happens when you 'let the road decide'.

Phil is describing Cav’s poker face and semi-shiftiness rather hilariously.  “During the team meeting, he didn’t even appear to be listening to the briefing ...but of course he was.”

It is weird how American cycling as come on so much in kinda a short amount of time.  There are four American teams in the race now. AMERICA RULES.

“The strong man from AUSTRIA.”  Sometimes the way they describe certain riders makes them sound so much more masculine.  And of course that's true when you're discussing ladies man man's man man about town Bernie Eisel.

“Quemeneur has never won a bike race but he’s French and that does make a difference.”

Sylvain’s chatting with someone from AG2R.  Might it be honorary Frenchman Nica Roche?

“That’s uh, that’s a lot of doves down there.” They are really struggling.  The camerawork is a bit too chateau-happy for my liking. I love a chateau but do we need a double 360 on EVERY chateau in the Vendee?

They’ve now taken to calling Lil Tom ‘Little Tommy Voeckler”.  Can you call a Frenchman 'Tommy'? 

I suppose if the French champs jersey had to go to anyone besides Lil Tom, I’m pleased it’s little Sylvain.

Lil Tom DOES ‘have the explosion to get up this course.’

“Good tactics!” I never thought I’d hear them praise Lil Tom! They’re always having a go at his love of breakaways.

Getting into Jurgen Van de Walle’s ‘own psychological balloon’ sounds a bit disturbing.  Though he's done a pretty stellar job of work today.

Paul always sounds like he’s selling HD! He just drops it in randomly all the time.  Take notes Paul, look how George works it.

Oh my god can they please ALWAYS call PhilGil “The Man in Black”!!

Another crash! A guy from Europcar just weirdly pitched into a ditch.

Oh and little Linus has gone with him.

“I didn’t recognize that guy from Europcar”, like he’s some random who stole a cycling kit and is just goin' round the pelaton like an imposter.  You know how we deal with that kind of problem.

Oh David Arroyo! Is he the one that went really intensely over that ravine a few years ago and mountaineered back up?  He’s down again this year.

Jens is making someone from TheShack giggle.

Cadel has an odd position on the bike that just looks labored.

Dave Z is all over this race! Leaving Tofurkey Jerky in his wake.

Is this seriously setting the record for most crashes in a single stage?

I like when they shake hands when they’re caught. It's gentlemanly. 

Oh no! Now that they’ve dangled the possibility of Lil Tom winning I’m gonna be so disappointed if he doesn’t!

GOOD JESUS. Another crash!  HUGE.

George! First glimpse.

"It would appear that only one man has been caught out" by the crash-tastic split: Bertie.

George, with Bernie behind. Excellent camerawork.

ANOTHER CRASH.

A Team (Dino)Saur guy had some fancy footwork there. Dancing over the ditch. Way to stay upright, guy!

Fab is always up there! He can’t help himself!

THAT was insane. What a finish!

Cadel in second?!  NUTS.  He nearly had The Man in Black there at the end.

Frankie was right up there too! 

I don't always have nice things to say about ITV's coverage of bike racing, but I have to admit they do a fantastic job of wrap-up montages set to lovely music.  

Pierrig Quemeneur got Most Aggressive Rider. He has previously been seen on the podium with piglets and I therefore am a fan.  Take that Pierrick! 

Team Lay-oh-pard sound like they have a fun time.  Also, over dinner they discuss whether the moon landing was real.  

Rooming with Tejay Van Garderen and Danny Pate sounds rather hilarious as well, if their #growup #noonecares exchange on twitter is anything to go by.

The George Cozza Fab Wagon is rollin' into town...

And it speaks pretty dodgy English.


Ohmygod it's almost here.  First of all, everyone should join the Halfords/Garmin Fantasy Tour de France game.  I don't get fantasy sport, but as we while away the days before the bestest bike race eva, you've got to find something to fill the time.

And here is the winning team:

Frankie (seen here in full ninja regalia); Baby Bro; Nica Roche; French Hero Lil Thomas Voeckler; that other French hero Sylvain Chavanel; his bestie Jerome; Jani; Cav; and ladies man man's man man about town Bernie Eisel.

My team's sooo gonna win, cuz they've got human engineering on their side.


UPDATE: Oh who am I kidding. Sorry Jerome, but I simply can't field a team without my main man.

Lance Armstrong is an alpha male. And other really shocking news.

First off, Steve's back! Anyone who gets his Race for Kids updates (or who has perhaps read in graphic detail of Greg LeMond's gastric problems in the 1986 Tour) will be pleased to hear this grisley affair is (hopefully) over and done with.  Go PHS class of 2003!

Yesssssss.

I don't really love Bradley Wiggins' Dauphine win. Cuz now we'll have to hear him endlessly managing expectations for the next three weeks (though Robert Millar talking up his chances and shitting all over that idea has been rather amusing) and then being just sort of a douchebag all the way through the Tour whether he finishes on the podium or in the Broomwagon. Though I suppose some congrats are in order for Team Sky for improving like 300% on last year's results.

Certainly up there for Weirdest Podium Ever.  Is Cadel Evans Wiggo's date? Is he doing Blue Steel? Has Vino had his jaw wired shut? And should he even be allowed near a podium? And why can Bradley Wiggins never manage to look even moderately pleased AT ANYTHING?

I'm puttin in out there: Get ready for more of this man in yellow come July.  And of course most definitely, Baby Bro.

I do not like birds, buuuuuuut if he rode the stage with that thing on his shoulder, I could so get on board with that.

Speaking of weird photos, I like photos of the Schleck brothers more than most, but why does Frankie look like he drank from the wrong grail? 

Looking on the bright side:

Nica Roche offers some rather amusing perspective on a recent conversation with Dan Martin.  I love him as much as he loves exclamation points.

Cyling is always there to remind us to be thankful that we still have our jaws.  Ted King always knows just what to say. 

As for the latest in Man Vs. Chimera, I like how the whole tone of this article is essentially "IF this happened, that would have a whole lotta legal ramifications."  Yeah, if he killed a man, that would cause some problems with the law too.

I love Jens Voigt.

Ted King needs Magneto.

Is it strange that the Dauphine and the Tour are doing the exact same stage?  Why does Grenoble love a Time Trail so much?  I suppose the Dauphine's doesn't follow a Telegraphe-Galibier-Alpe D'huez triple though, so today just might seem like a walk in the park (or a ride in the park, on a Boris Bike).  Also in a change to normal proceedings, Tony Martin has beat the time of Dave Zabriskie. Today's stage is like a weird alternate universe.

Talking of the Tour, get ready for more of this man off the front of the pelaton come July. 

And let's not forget AG2R.  They're prepping in weird ways. Though certainly no weirder than the Schleck tactic of prepping by not winning..  Anyway, I hope those new ice suits are poo brown.

Poor Ted King, fresh of his Third Place at the US Pros, has taken a tumble and is in a glass case of emotion.  Hopefully his collarbone will be armor-plated as soon as possible and he'll be back racing, allowing Phil to shout with over-enthusiasm "HE RIDES WITH A METAL PLATE IN HIS COLLARBONE!"

Surprise and more surprises.

Boom Goes the Dynamite.

First off, this has got the be the best example of Animals in Cycling Situations.

And in old(er) news, not that I have anything against Matt Busche, but this literally would've been the best podium in the history of recorded time if George was first and everyone else moved up one spot. In fact all races should probably end in that configuration. 

AndyKloedi got pretty excited in a rather low key way for the Tour DeLux.  Overall, he has got to be tied with Fab Cancellara for most incomprehensibly foreign twitter updates.

As for the podiums, well... Yes, basically. Fab looks like a gay superhero and Stuey's lovin it. Frankie looks like he's had one too many. Certainly up there with the pig, the trident, and Team America for Best Podium Ever.

Meanwhile, um, is Linus Gerdemann tweaking his own nipples?

Elsewhere, in another incident of Inappropriate Touching in Cycling Situations, Cokey Tom does not seem that bothered by this handsy lady.

Tour de France pre-game has officially started and Boom goes the dynamite.

And considering he's such a massive winner, Davide Appollonio offers up a rather good theory.