The Longest Day

Milan-San Remo

Who can forget the downright apocalyptic (though at times rather photogenic) conditions of yesteryear? I mean Cav looks like he's suffering from snow blindness.

And of course, Taylor Phinney live tweeted the whole thing.  While still managing an epic 7th place.

Mind the Taylor Phinney twitter rabbit hole. There is weirdness and hilarity in abundance.

One can easily get lost in the delightful fashion (especially Cav's euro top!)...

Or lose the time admiring the general photogenic-ness of a 6'5 man...

...Or quite simply faint at the inexplicably divine.

Not from Taylor's twitter, but equally divine.

Anyway. Enough daydreaming.

Let's be real, the Classics are the best part of the season. Everything is so dramatic. I mean "the Belgians will be ready"???  EPIC. ARE WE STARTING A WAR?!

Oh, Harley. Oh, poor poor Harley. How is he ever supposed to believe in himself if NO ONE believes in him??  I mean we all know Whitey is a dick, he basically sounds like an abuser in this article: "Gossy knows he isn't good enough, he knows it's his fault."

Go where you belong Gossy!! Save yourself!

I like Cav's distillation of what makes Milan-San Remo unique. I also like how he has no patience for stupid questions, and how he makes little digs that 'if you know anything about cycling' you agree with what he's saying.

Fuckin' GEAR UP!  Who does their music??

And Shimano's for that matter? SO EMOTIONAL! How do you not love that man?!

I mean, you can pick him out of a lineup. He's practically posing! What a show pony!

What is it, five former champs lining up on the start line? (SIX IF THEY'D ONLY LET MATT HARLEY RACE!) That's incredible. And they're all absolute killers as well.

Everyone's bringing such A-Teams (or maybe I just like their Classics men better?). But just a quick scan at the rosters of BMC, OPQS and Garmin.... They are not fuckin' around.

Obviously Trek doesn't have an A-Team, so they can't bring one.

Just the one man A-Team.

These are the type of sunglasses I was talking about before. I mean, is Ottavio Bottecchia gonna roll up in the background?

Is lovely Michal trying to kill me? That's like the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Is Taylor taking the picture?  Where's our superstar?

What did I say Bernie? Sounds like Cav has a new Monopoly buddy. Competition in this category is actually pretty fierce.

Taylor!! Nooooooooo!!!! I'm so sad for him!

Simon Gerrans also out with illness. Sooooo, sounds like there was room for Gossy, but whatever. 

Well with televised coverage not starting for another few hours, all we've basically got is: there's a break. And it's hailing.

Still, keep it in perspective.

Also, free cake! Everyone loves a bike race!

Is he being misquoted? WHAT A LEGEND.

Really is a long race. You've got this at one end and this goin' on right now. What filter are they using in San Remo?

Obviously anything can happen, but my money's on Cav today. When I heard his family surprised him before the start, I knew he was gonna have extra fire in what is already quite a fiery engine.

But uh oh: In 2008, the last time we used roughly 100 per cent of this course, Fabian Cancellara broke clear in the final stages to win alone.

That's a little bit fucking hilarious. 

Thunder on Cipressa might also feature in the short story collection. Oh yeah, there's thunder on the Cipressa.

Fab's chatting in the pre-show about winning and being on the podium multiple times: "But of course for me, and for everyone, it's hard."

He also talked about the epic carbo-loading required for this near-300k beast and essentially 'stuffing his legs full of carbs'.

We're about to talk to Charly Wegelius. He has Robbie Hunter in the car with him. Robbie has kindly passed the phone over to Charly. We can hear in the background the race radio crackle through as Robbie gives his riders instructions. Fantastic. Is Nico Portal around? Maybe they could do some awesome tailgate or something.

Wegelius: No. They’re all good riders. Just hold the line. [we can hear Robbie Hunter talking to a rider about possible coming back to the team car].  Just hold the line? That is amazing and polite. 'Just one moment please, just sorting out this Classic and I'll be right with you.'

La Primavera is now forecasting snow.

Oh my god this commentator just referred to Harley as Matt Harley Goss-- AM I COMMENTATING?

I definitely could. Sean Kelly just informed us that because riders are wearing gloves, it must be cold. Yup.

Fab just looked like he was gonna vom. I think he was just trying to breathe in the cold.

He's back at the team car but it's unclear what he's doing. The rain on the camera is so obscuring I thought for a moment he was grabbing an umbrella.

An indeterminate GreenEdge just grabbed his rain jacket between his teeth and sprinted off.

Barta takes on some food from the team car and then gives his DS a thumbs up, rather more in hope than confidence.  Confirmation: I am still technically alive.

So not in fact picking up an umbrella.

Luca Paolini just pouring some tea on his fingers there.

Like Geschke's beard, it has become an internet sensation.

Awww.

Cav's still up there. Just sayin'.

I think Fab just smiled at the camera.

Took his jacket off as well.

Watch out.

Is Cav just in shorts as well? #hardasamotherf#*cker

There's some kind of water hoover at the finish.  Better get that sorted in time.

Apparently G has been dropped.

Onto the Cipressa, and the hits start coming.  Cannondale to the front and starting the hurt.

!!!! ??? Swifty?! Swifty is in there?? YAY! 

Swifty never gets the glory but is quite obviously lovely and has a fantastic name and deserves some good luck. And his slightly delirious bromance with G probably also deserves an award.

Shark attack!

De Marchi is killing it on the front here.

Very few riders left in this group. 25 max I'd say.

Degenkolb, Geschke's beard, Greipel and Cav all still here as we top the Cipressa.

Nibali blows past the two leaders.

PhilGil still in the main group.

Tense moments as a little split is forced there by Stybar.

But it sorts itself out and everyone regroups.

Quite a lot of Skys there.

Everyone's taking off their rain jackets and it's becoming like a thousand percent more clear who's actually there.

I know, right? 

The Shark did this in 2009 didn't he? I think he just likes soloing on the lead up to the Poggio.

Nibabli's gap coming down.

Gregory Rast blasts past him.

Someone else up there with him now.

Phillllllllllllll!!!

But it comes together again. 

Bauke is making some huge attempt here on the front.

And eternal bridesmaid (not not THAT one) Greg Van Avermaet is having a little go.

Late attacks by a wildcard team.

SHUT IT DOWN OPQS.

Oh my Christ the last K comes up on you so quickly!

Everyone's still in here... PhilGil is dangling off the front, Cav is visible, Fab hasn't done anything and is therefore incredibly dangerous...

CRASH.

But everyone seems mostly in front of it.

Cav's not flying away here. He doesn't look like he has the legs.

Meh. Kristoff?

Keeping with this season's theme of Podium Starts at 2: Fab gets second, SWIFTY in there for third.

What a result for Swifty!!

Oh Christ, Fab BANGS those handlebars at the end. In slow motion it's insane. And it looks like he's sulking a little on the podium.

Degenkolb, if you're wondering, punctured at the foot of the Poggio. Heartbreak for the German after almost 300km of racing.  I was wondering actually. Poor guy. Can't get out of Marcel Kittel's shadow just yet.

Taylor Phinney finally weighs in and I have come around 100% on this result.

And everybody loves Swifty. I mean everybody.

Tell it to us in Fabianese. #Rain #Rain

I didn't know Geschke's Beard was taken out by Degenkolb's unluck too! THE WORST.

He is a Sunshine Rider.

Thank YOU for existing, Dave.

Zing. 

"I think my happiness is overshadowing how cold I am"?! The cutest.

Strong words, Greg. But then Cav is talking to the rain, so I think the effects of this year's MSR will be long-lasting.