Crash & Burn

E3 Harelbeke

Catalunya yesterday looked horrific.

Still time for japes though. Always time for japes.

And always time for George, still lookin' after his boys.

Today's scattershot jaunt to Harelbeke and back is causing lots of chatter in the ranks.

And with that, to Belgium we go! For what Wikipedia claims is the start of 'Vlaamse Wielerweek'.

Other parts of the internet seem to think this began with Dwars door Vlaanderen (which was fucking awesome), so I dunno, we're either starting or in the middle. Like a breakaway on the road that commentators can't keep track of.

Ted will probably find the exploits in Flanders relaxing after his legitimate nightmare getting there. My favourite part is when he talks about the man he has "generously not berated".

In preparation, Alex can't stop talking about his balls.

Unless he's preoccupied being me.

Or doing yogalates.

Meanwhile, Dave Millar is just doing his usual thing, bein' awesome. That's like the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Hello my loyal subjects!

Belgian TV Sporza captured the moment Fabian Cancellara gave Tom Boonen a moving hug on the sign-on podium. Ok, it's gonna be an emosh day.

oh.

Come on. How can anyone be expected to maintain composure and stay upright on a bike around this?!

And is Niki pouting? Male Modelling with Pippo Pozzatto indeed!

And we are on our way.

We've tackled a climb or two and an inconsequential break is up the road a 2'20.

Sep Vanmarke has declared the good weather to be not in his favour, which is hilarious.

Sep Vanmarke is of course really fucking awesome, so hopefully he'll pull something out of the bag regardless.

Gap now up to 4'20.

And now 7 minutes. But there are still 15 climbs to negotiate. So good luck guys!

Apparently nothing's happening. Even the twittersphere has gone quiet.

Seriously. What the hell. The gap is now 7'20, that is all the news.

There's some weird sprint competition at the finish which is apparently the only thing that can be reported on.

Bergs ahoy!

Oh shit. A crash in the peloton.

Unconfirmed who is down except GATTO.

No further info so I suppose we'll just wait to see who's banged up at the finish.

Gap down to 4'15.

But there's another crash. This time Stannard is down. He's hurting but up again.

Is twitter broken? Or is everyone just racing today and can't provide running commentary?

Katusha is picking up the pace as the group tackle the bergs. The gap is down to under 4 minutes.

Mighty Thor is chasing back on for an unconfirmed reason. BMC are suffering a bit of bad luck here.

At the foot of another climb.

And another crash.

And a puncture for Belkin's team leader.

Luca Paolini, hero of San Remo, is driving the pace and stringing out the peloton on the climb.

Split in the peloton. SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

30 riders are being chased by 20.

Everyone is now together which is great cuz Niki was at the back.

Oh goddamn. He had a puncture.

Attacks are coming off the front now.

Damien Gaudin has attacked and gained a gap. An indeterminate BMC has bridged to him.

Team Sky duo Eisel and Knees are controlling the attacks that try to go clear.  Great stories. Trying to set it up for Warrior G?

Meanwhile Sagan and Sep Vanmarke have suffered mechanicals and are delayed among the team cars.

Well. Looks like Thor was just messin' around: Thor Hushovd (BMC) was at the back of the peloton and has quit the race, opting to turn left as the peloton turned right. Perhaps today was just a training ride for Sunday's Gent-Wevelgem.

The big guns are representing at the front. Who does Lotto have here? Besides Ginger Pim of course.

Elsewhere: Little Pete Kennaugh keeps up the Sky streak at Coppi e Bartali by winning Stage 2!

Greg Van Avermaet, swiftly becoming a nearly-man tragic figure in the style of Gossy, has had a puncture at a most inopportune time.

Strung Out in the Flemish Lanes; one for the short story collection.

With Kapelberg, Paterberg and Oude Kwaremonte still to come, Fab has dropped back to the team care to strategise and snack.

Guy knows what he's doing; he's won it three times.

Cokey Tom has won it five times so wonder what he's up to...

Sep meanwhile can't keep his wheels on right and has another change.

ANOTHER CRASH.

No freaking way.  Fall party???!

You are actually joking. YET ANOTHER crash!

It has caused a split in the peloton.

A group of about 20 is clear. Cokey Tom and G appear to be in it. No news on Fab.

Dammit.

They are not waiting up ahead. And it's Bernie leading the charge. I am having all the emotions.

Fab is chasing solo.He's really fucking going for it and if he doesn't make it back this race is kind of dead to me.

Boonen is back with Boonen and so it seems Terpstra is again team leader for OPQS.  That makes no sense. Unless there is ANOTHER COKEY TOM, which would be incredible. But anyway. Huh?

All good stuff goin' on: Vanmarcke leads the front group up the Paterberg. Thomas is there too, as in Terpstra. 

#hardasamontherf#*cker: The riders are lined out in the gutter but Cancellara is moving up on the cobbles.

The race is on at the front. Sagan is also up there in a group of ten or so rides. But here comes Cancellara.  I know he'll probably pay for the effort but WHO CARES?! HE'S HERE!!!

HE IS SO AWESOME. That was incredible.

The escapees are at the Oude Kwaremonte. It is on.

G is on the front; gaps are forming.

Taylor's weighing in. Standard. Also, YAY he's on the comeback! FIREWORKS ARE COMING!

Niki and Tiny John Degenkolb are clear with G.

Sagan attacks!

Oh, Cokey Tom must be with Fab. I think.

Yes. Fab and Stijn are dragging this group. Cokey Tom is playing some tactical cards and sitting on while Niki is up the road with G. Clever girl.

Cancellara has let Devolder go away alone, forcing the other riders in the chase group to go after him and do some of the work.  There are going to be words. Fab is not going to be happy with these hangers on.

The gap to G and Niki's group is 15 seconds.

Sagan goes again!

But Niki and G stay with him.

Fab is not gonna go down without a fight. He is DRAGGING himself to this group.

I legitimately believe someone could blow up with the efforts being produced here.

Tiny John Degenkolb is swimming in no man's land and about to be swallowed by Fab's Freight Train.

Four leaders have 20 seconds.

OPQS as usual have lots of people in good places on the road.

Fab's position isn't looking great; the gap is growing.

Stijn Vandenbergh (Omega Pharma - Quick-Step) is pounding away on the front and switches to the footpath. Behind Cancellara leads the chase and is also on a path to avoid the cobbles. Nobody seems to care about the new UCI rule.  Hilarious.

FAB IS ATTACKING SOLO! FUCK YOU GUYS!!

Paolini, Vanmarcke and Stybar get on his wheel.

A rider has run off into the trees. It's insane out there.

Fab has brought that gap DOWN.

Devolder keeps coming back from the dead to assist.

Niki is refusing to work in the Sagan group.

NIKI ATTACK.

But together again.

The old OPQS 1-2, cuz HERE GOES STIJN!

I can't think about Fab out of contention back there. Looks like it will be down to these 4 for the win.

FLAME ROUGE.

Thomas Marks, Thomas Counters will also feature in the collection.

Everyone is going for it now!!

Meh. Sagan. Least fave of the 4.

That was electric stuff. It would have been interesting to see how Fab would have fared in the finale. He is clearly a freaking BEAST.

And Cokey Tom for that matter. Unfortunate to be out of contention in that finish.

Niki hung on for second. He is ON FIRE!

Fab managed 9th despite that nightmare chase in foreverville. Cokey Tom in 11th with Almost Van Avermaet sandwiched in for 10th.

Oh yeah and G managed to round out the podium there; bit lost in the shuffle but WAY TO GO G!