Blast From the Past

Gent-Wevelgem

A brief catch-up:

In Catalunya, TheJensie continues to rule the world. 

And Dave Millar is still alive.


And so, win today and you've won the Olympics, according to Brian Holm, in one of the greatest quotes about anything ever.

Geekery is at an all time high today, with changes in the race route to take in historical sites and war memorials in commemoration of the 100th year of the outbreak of WWI.

Also, Taylor's back!!

And don't even worry about it, he's back in top form.
 
Professional Champagne Sprayer Niki isn't racing today-- which is the only way to guarantee he won't podium.

Also it unfortunately guarantees we won't see the cutest thing on earth.

But I get it; he's probably busy.

I mean, he has literally got his feet up.

As for other contenders:
Watch out for G. He managed a podium even when feeling like a bag of... not very good.

Plus, this looks staged. Like in an awesome way.

As for E3's winner: winning races, crashing weddings-- who says you can't do both?

And the Eternal Threat: Maybe he didn't manage E3, but you had better watch your back.

"I don't know how many riders I passed." Uh, THE WHOLE FIELD? He is clearly as strong as a genetically modified ox. Maybe he's sandbagging, but if that was him on a bad day, halted by a ill-timed mechanical, WATCH OUT.  Also, "I had not my luck"?? "The world goes not under"?? I LOVE THIS MAN.

Full-time model and also cyclist Bernie Eisel has won here previously. As has Gentleman of the Peloton George Hincapie.  Soooo, who's got the strongest jawline in the peloton currently? This is our probable winner.

Fabian Cancellara was relaxed before the start: "The weather's good, we have a nice spring day. Lets go for it. It looks like there could be 100 people in the sprint and a lot of riders seem to want a sprint finish We'll see what will happen on the Kemmel. There could be a few surprises." Translation: Yes, let's go for it. There will be no surprises, unless you mean me. I am the surprise. I am going to win.

The break is out and we're in the first feedzone. Five inconsequential riders had 10 minutes at one point but at last check were down to about 7 and a half.

Mechanicals abound for Stannard and Greipel at least, while up front part of the peloton has gone the wrong way. Seems like they literally should've taken that left hand turn at Albuquerque.

The peloton has climbed up to the village of Cassel and passed the town hall that was the Allied HQ during WWI. It is now the Flanders Museum.  Not to be confused with the In Flanders Fields Museum, which is also extremely cool.

The in-car TV cameras give an inside view of what is happening and has just caught Cannondale manager Roberto Amadio taking a nap.  That is incredible confidence.

Stannard pushing the pace up front.

For BERNIE! To try an escape!

But nothing further from that.

We're 10k from the Kemmelberg and the breakaway group is down to less than 5 minutes.

Crash! Fran Windy is down.

Goss is at the back of the peloton and has swapped his bike with a teammate. It will be a tough job for him to get back on now.  Come on. Just cut it out.

Big names at the front here on the Kemmelberg. Fab's not taking any chances and leads down the descent.

Everyone is looking around. Cokey Tom to the front, but he's looking behind him. Everyone's all over the road.

Attack from a BMC. They seem content enough to let him go.

Crash OR bike change. It kind of looked like someone was left in a ditch.

It's a Sky. Seems to be Stannard, poor thing.

The replay shows him sort of fall off the side into a ditch. A Lotto notices and makes a baffled gesture as everyone rides on.

They're quite clearly talking about Matty Harley but I don't speak Dutch so I don't know for what purpose.

AG2R is making a lot of moves. One goes and Movistar and OPQS follow, but pretty swiftly brought back together.

Fab's havin' a snack at the back with Bernie.

OPQS DS is shouting things at their indeterminate water carrier.

The four still out front (yep, they're still out there) look pretty tired and have less than 2 minutes.

Another break is attempting to go but is just hanging slightly off the front.

Bernie gets low on his handlebars and shortly several other riders follow suit.

Ah, we're on a small descent. That was unclear. It just sort of looked like Bernie was a cool trendsetter and everyone wanted to be like him. Which is of course true.

OH here's Matt Harley! I had worried he had abandoned.  He's joining back on but seems to have an issue with his shoe or derailleur.

All groups on the road within sight of each other now.

Crash at the back. These little lanes and deep ditches are a bit perilous.

Bernie Patron takin' us up the berg. He keeps shouting back into the group, checkin' on his men.  Think he was slowing everything down for the crash.

Another crash, but racing seems to be back on.

Harley here at the back, losing contact. He's wearing number 113; I mean, are they trying to kill him???

Another crash. Enormous this time. Most of Katusha. Lovely Alex looks like a he took a big impact and is winded on the ground.

A Sky is curled up on the road.

Everyone on the Kemmelberg now. Thrashing around on their bikes.

Fab takes to the head of the peloton. Sagan is right behind him.

Cokey Tom up there, gesturing at someone to come up.

G also right up there.

Peloton split a bit and the front group has caught that solo Tinkoff breakaway that was out there.

Four BMCs driving at the front. None appear to be Taylor.

Or Thor, or from what I can tell, Van Avermaet.

Ah, there's Thor, with all the OPQSs mid-group.

Looks like Taylor went up down the left side there?

Come on, if all the DSs instruct their men to sit in and wait for the sprint, we're gonna have a standstill here.

Dillier for BMC is going solo again.

Through... the Menin Gate? Are we in Ypres?

We've got three away here and the group just keeping pace.

They're gaining time. The group better get with it here.

Clever tactics by Trek here.

OPQS has missed out and their DS knows it: "More faster now. If no, it's too late."

Another crash. G is down. And half of NetApp.

Lotto look ready to pull the car over in despair. GreipelThighs is down.

He's up, and into the team car. That is a sad sight to witness so up close.

That gap is tumbling down. I should've had faith!

Caught LITERALLY under the Flamme Rouge. You couldn't WRITE THIS SHIT!

A crash!! Right in the finishing straight!

It's unclear who of the big names are here. Can't see Fab, some OPQS maybe but can't identify Cokey Tom. Lot of BMCs.

Chaotic here.

TINY JOHN DEGENKOLB TAKES IT!

I'm really ok with that! He's had a bit of a rough time, in the style of Matty Goss, and HE DESERVES IT!!

He just blew two kisses to the camera. He's the cutest.

"I've won already a World Tour at Hamburg, but with all respect to Hamburg this is really a big big race." Awwww.

Cokey Tom hung in there for 5th. Fab was apparently delayed by the crash.

GreipelThighs offered up the greatest distillation of his race we could ever hope for.

Another electric day on the cobbles!

Oh my god come on!! Can Gossy PLEASE catch a break!?!! He needed his INHALER!? I'M DYING.

Dave Millar is making a career of staying upright. And Alex is insisting on making a career of talking about balls.

Most laid-back podium eva. They just look like dudes on a night out.

As opposed to weirdest podium ever. Purito looks like a child meeting the president. And Tejay is holding his umbrella.

I hope this is a new bromance.

Yipeeeeeee!

And finally, the shot heard round the world.

But obviously this is the greatest response to the situation, or anything, that I've ever seen.

Crash & Burn

E3 Harelbeke

Catalunya yesterday looked horrific.

Still time for japes though. Always time for japes.

And always time for George, still lookin' after his boys.

Today's scattershot jaunt to Harelbeke and back is causing lots of chatter in the ranks.

And with that, to Belgium we go! For what Wikipedia claims is the start of 'Vlaamse Wielerweek'.

Other parts of the internet seem to think this began with Dwars door Vlaanderen (which was fucking awesome), so I dunno, we're either starting or in the middle. Like a breakaway on the road that commentators can't keep track of.

Ted will probably find the exploits in Flanders relaxing after his legitimate nightmare getting there. My favourite part is when he talks about the man he has "generously not berated".

In preparation, Alex can't stop talking about his balls.

Unless he's preoccupied being me.

Or doing yogalates.

Meanwhile, Dave Millar is just doing his usual thing, bein' awesome. That's like the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Hello my loyal subjects!

Belgian TV Sporza captured the moment Fabian Cancellara gave Tom Boonen a moving hug on the sign-on podium. Ok, it's gonna be an emosh day.

oh.

Come on. How can anyone be expected to maintain composure and stay upright on a bike around this?!

And is Niki pouting? Male Modelling with Pippo Pozzatto indeed!

And we are on our way.

We've tackled a climb or two and an inconsequential break is up the road a 2'20.

Sep Vanmarke has declared the good weather to be not in his favour, which is hilarious.

Sep Vanmarke is of course really fucking awesome, so hopefully he'll pull something out of the bag regardless.

Gap now up to 4'20.

And now 7 minutes. But there are still 15 climbs to negotiate. So good luck guys!

Apparently nothing's happening. Even the twittersphere has gone quiet.

Seriously. What the hell. The gap is now 7'20, that is all the news.

There's some weird sprint competition at the finish which is apparently the only thing that can be reported on.

Bergs ahoy!

Oh shit. A crash in the peloton.

Unconfirmed who is down except GATTO.

No further info so I suppose we'll just wait to see who's banged up at the finish.

Gap down to 4'15.

But there's another crash. This time Stannard is down. He's hurting but up again.

Is twitter broken? Or is everyone just racing today and can't provide running commentary?

Katusha is picking up the pace as the group tackle the bergs. The gap is down to under 4 minutes.

Mighty Thor is chasing back on for an unconfirmed reason. BMC are suffering a bit of bad luck here.

At the foot of another climb.

And another crash.

And a puncture for Belkin's team leader.

Luca Paolini, hero of San Remo, is driving the pace and stringing out the peloton on the climb.

Split in the peloton. SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

30 riders are being chased by 20.

Everyone is now together which is great cuz Niki was at the back.

Oh goddamn. He had a puncture.

Attacks are coming off the front now.

Damien Gaudin has attacked and gained a gap. An indeterminate BMC has bridged to him.

Team Sky duo Eisel and Knees are controlling the attacks that try to go clear.  Great stories. Trying to set it up for Warrior G?

Meanwhile Sagan and Sep Vanmarke have suffered mechanicals and are delayed among the team cars.

Well. Looks like Thor was just messin' around: Thor Hushovd (BMC) was at the back of the peloton and has quit the race, opting to turn left as the peloton turned right. Perhaps today was just a training ride for Sunday's Gent-Wevelgem.

The big guns are representing at the front. Who does Lotto have here? Besides Ginger Pim of course.

Elsewhere: Little Pete Kennaugh keeps up the Sky streak at Coppi e Bartali by winning Stage 2!

Greg Van Avermaet, swiftly becoming a nearly-man tragic figure in the style of Gossy, has had a puncture at a most inopportune time.

Strung Out in the Flemish Lanes; one for the short story collection.

With Kapelberg, Paterberg and Oude Kwaremonte still to come, Fab has dropped back to the team care to strategise and snack.

Guy knows what he's doing; he's won it three times.

Cokey Tom has won it five times so wonder what he's up to...

Sep meanwhile can't keep his wheels on right and has another change.

ANOTHER CRASH.

No freaking way.  Fall party???!

You are actually joking. YET ANOTHER crash!

It has caused a split in the peloton.

A group of about 20 is clear. Cokey Tom and G appear to be in it. No news on Fab.

Dammit.

They are not waiting up ahead. And it's Bernie leading the charge. I am having all the emotions.

Fab is chasing solo.He's really fucking going for it and if he doesn't make it back this race is kind of dead to me.

Boonen is back with Boonen and so it seems Terpstra is again team leader for OPQS.  That makes no sense. Unless there is ANOTHER COKEY TOM, which would be incredible. But anyway. Huh?

All good stuff goin' on: Vanmarcke leads the front group up the Paterberg. Thomas is there too, as in Terpstra. 

#hardasamontherf#*cker: The riders are lined out in the gutter but Cancellara is moving up on the cobbles.

The race is on at the front. Sagan is also up there in a group of ten or so rides. But here comes Cancellara.  I know he'll probably pay for the effort but WHO CARES?! HE'S HERE!!!

HE IS SO AWESOME. That was incredible.

The escapees are at the Oude Kwaremonte. It is on.

G is on the front; gaps are forming.

Taylor's weighing in. Standard. Also, YAY he's on the comeback! FIREWORKS ARE COMING!

Niki and Tiny John Degenkolb are clear with G.

Sagan attacks!

Oh, Cokey Tom must be with Fab. I think.

Yes. Fab and Stijn are dragging this group. Cokey Tom is playing some tactical cards and sitting on while Niki is up the road with G. Clever girl.

Cancellara has let Devolder go away alone, forcing the other riders in the chase group to go after him and do some of the work.  There are going to be words. Fab is not going to be happy with these hangers on.

The gap to G and Niki's group is 15 seconds.

Sagan goes again!

But Niki and G stay with him.

Fab is not gonna go down without a fight. He is DRAGGING himself to this group.

I legitimately believe someone could blow up with the efforts being produced here.

Tiny John Degenkolb is swimming in no man's land and about to be swallowed by Fab's Freight Train.

Four leaders have 20 seconds.

OPQS as usual have lots of people in good places on the road.

Fab's position isn't looking great; the gap is growing.

Stijn Vandenbergh (Omega Pharma - Quick-Step) is pounding away on the front and switches to the footpath. Behind Cancellara leads the chase and is also on a path to avoid the cobbles. Nobody seems to care about the new UCI rule.  Hilarious.

FAB IS ATTACKING SOLO! FUCK YOU GUYS!!

Paolini, Vanmarcke and Stybar get on his wheel.

A rider has run off into the trees. It's insane out there.

Fab has brought that gap DOWN.

Devolder keeps coming back from the dead to assist.

Niki is refusing to work in the Sagan group.

NIKI ATTACK.

But together again.

The old OPQS 1-2, cuz HERE GOES STIJN!

I can't think about Fab out of contention back there. Looks like it will be down to these 4 for the win.

FLAME ROUGE.

Thomas Marks, Thomas Counters will also feature in the collection.

Everyone is going for it now!!

Meh. Sagan. Least fave of the 4.

That was electric stuff. It would have been interesting to see how Fab would have fared in the finale. He is clearly a freaking BEAST.

And Cokey Tom for that matter. Unfortunate to be out of contention in that finish.

Niki hung on for second. He is ON FIRE!

Fab managed 9th despite that nightmare chase in foreverville. Cokey Tom in 11th with Almost Van Avermaet sandwiched in for 10th.

Oh yeah and G managed to round out the podium there; bit lost in the shuffle but WAY TO GO G!

In the Van Garderen of Eden

Well cyclingnews has heard my cries and they are now livetweeting Catalunya. So...

Volta Ciclista a Catalunya: Stage 4

Just to recap, Purito won yesterday's stage. Tejay was there or thereabouts, as was Froomey. This is all we care to know.

Some rude mountains today:
Meta Vallter 2000 (Especial) -- What?? Is that even real? It sounds like a chili-infused tequila.

Rocabruna -- that could be like a weathered lava rock formation.

and Oix-- Just sounds like the sound you make as you're trying to go up it.

Got a baby break about 2'30 out front at the moment. No one of particular note, just the usual suspects (OPQS and Belkin).

Ughhhhhhh. No wonder this death flu is going round the peloton.

Taylor's on the mend though, chatting with Fab on Twitter.

It's apparently 4 degrees at the finish.

Oh yeah and elsewhere Swifty won again. These young chaps on the left will no doubt be delighted!

Froome will be looking for a stage win today, as well as the race lead.  This statement could be applied to any race, at any time of the year.  Though of course he will be missing Richie.

The weather is so awful it has broken television. What is already quite sporadic coverage therefore likely to be even more sporadic.

Someone called Sander Armee (WHAT?!) has attacked from the peloton.

The break starts the penultimate climb (underground discotheque ROCABRUNA) with 2'45 on the peloton.

That lead has dropped dramatically to 40 seconds as they hit the top of the climb. Apparently Clenbuterol Bertie lead the chase.

Break's back up to just over a minute. Tinkoff still leading pursuit through a low, dense fog.

De Gendt is going it alone from the breakaway group.  Kilometre-wise: totally doable (30k left); terrain-wise: he's dead (false flats and the Meta Vallter 2000 (Especial) still to come!).

Though of course this is an OPQS-er, so anything is possible.

All the usual suspects are at the front of the peloton, waiting to make a move.

De Gendt has a minute on the peloton as they head towards the ski station, where naturally, snow is forecast.

Other teams moving to the front. Sky are keeping it cool and keeping their powder (Froomey) dry.

A Lampre has gone off the front of the peloton. In these low visibility conditions, Lampre have a very Safety First kit.

Bit of regrouping here: Lampre Man has collected Plaza from the original break group and they are now with De Gendt at the head of the race. 1'15 in hand.

And onto the final climb.

Sounds pretty eerie out there. Visibility is very limited due to the fog, and it's only gonna get crazier from here.

WEE PIERRE!!

He attacks and gets 10 second on the peloton with no reaction. Perhaps they can't see him.

Couple more people with him now. The peloton isn't far off.

The De Gendt Three are out front with 30 seconds, Wee Pierre and Co hanging in the middle, and the peloton just behind.

And we're all back together at 8k.

Well. 'Back together'... the group has been decimated by this climb and people are all over the mountain.

Nothing happening.

Apparently the 'perfect place to launch an attack' has come and gone with no one making any moves.

3k to go. Is everyone literally frozen?

Froome Attack!!

But neutralised.

Bertie's having a go now.

This is the greatest update on a bike race ever.

Quintana and Rodriguez catch Contador but Froome has been dropped. He's alone. DO YOU WANT ME TO CRY?

OH MY GOD YOU DO WANT ME TO CRY (from joy now)...

CUZ TEJAY WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taylor will be RIGHT ON THAT.

Umm, like right as I say that.

We are in total mind meld as usual.

Bros. Such bros.

One Niki is Enough

Dwars door Vlaanderen

Today kicks off a three week period of racing that will take in E3 Harelbeke, Gent-Wevelgem, the Tour of Flanders and Paris-Roubaix.  Greater words were never spoken.

Much like The Walloon Arrow, this one is best left in the native language.

Inexplicably Catalunya isn't being livetweeted by cyclingnews. Which is I guess ok as Luka Mezgec is the only one winning currently.

And anyway it sounds horrible over there.

So thank god we are here on the cobbles, with former winners Cokey Tom and Niki to keep us company.

Unfortunately Taylor's not yet with us. Rest and recuperate Taylor! Text and watch tv and we'll see you in Roubaix!

The equally hair-tastic Daniel Oss is here for BMC though.

A bit of entertainment while we await some action:

OhMyGod. My heart can only take so much.

What the eff? I'm more confused than ever.

It's been a poor start to the season for British team it has to be said. Chris Froome had a back injury, Richie Porte has pulled out of the last two races and Bradley Wiggins has looked short of form as well. Stannard, Thomas and Swift have flown the flag but the Henao news and the Locke blood passport case have hung over the team in recent weeks.  Yeah, weird times. Can't all be fun and frolicks I suppose.

Also I think it's a bit lame to equate Froomey's back injury (from which he will return and dominate the Tour de France) with Wiggo's generally just being a bit shit.

BOOM TOWN: Less than 25km into the action and it's a former Sky rider who has jumped clear of the peloton. Alex Dowsett, now riding for Movistar, into his second year with the squad, is alone and leading the race.

Enough with the Sky bashing, but THE KID CAN'T HELP HIMSELF!

The Movistars were hangin' at Arenberg yesterday so they'll know their way around.

Dowsett was clear for just a few moments as the peloton have gobbled him back up.

Oh.

It's ok Alex! Nature was clearly against you! Tailwind: And with no assistance it's no wonder Dowsett was caught/sat up. 

There's another Klemme??  What a standout family!

Having missed out on a place in Milan -San Remo Matt Goss is here for Orica.  I legitimately thought that said 'having missed his plane'... CAN'T HARLEY CATCH A BREAK?!!?

Superstar breakaways today. Now it's Dave Millar!!!!

Oh, apparently he's bridging to some other people in front. Still. HE'LL GET THERE AND HE'LL PASS THEM.

Because everyone loves Dave Millar, the breakaway group now has over 20 riders.

They have 1'15 advantage. Only Movistar (Alex), Orica (Harley), and one other inconsequential wildcard team are not represented in the break.

OPQS you read my mind!

Looks a bit bleak out there. Everyone's got their cold-weather blacks on.

Gap's now up to 2'20.

We're at the base of the first climb and the gap is up to 3 minutes. Meanwhile, Fab is clearly not racing.

On the descent now, 22 man group with 2'30 lead with another 100-ish Ks to go. And most of the mountains.

Defending champ GATTO is here; though apparently no one has ever won Across Flanders twice in a row.

Cannondale teammate TED is also here; we haven't heard anything from him yet.

Though it was deeply unclear what Obama had to do with anything yesterday, he's made an appearance at the startline today.

Not much else going on at the minute apparently...

Still going over some mountains and maintaining the exact same time gap, I suppose.

Did Stijn Devolder have a solo crash? There was some curious reporting and he seems the only one chasing back on.

And trying to change his shoes.

I don't know why he's capitalizing like he's foreign, but Hendy will be back with us soon! Do not despair!

And if you are despairing, he's been active on twitter this morning posting adorable pictures of his daughter. Impossible to despair.

But living in the Pit of Despair is Matty Harley and Co, currently leading the chase to the party they didn't get invited to-- err, the breakaway group they're not represented in.

There's a lot of 'passengers' in this break and various Vans and Vons are trying to force the split and take the strongmen with them.

The current Von at the head of the group is Jos van Emden, a Belkin man. Belkin men are hard men.

Omega are moving up to the front of the peloton to hang with TheGreenEdge.

MASSIVE ATTACK by Cokey Tom at the base of the next climb.

But it doesn't really go anywhere.

The break is splitting, the peloton is splitting, people are all over the road.

Niki and Stannard are driving at the front. 10 seconds from catching the last remnants of the break.

It's kickin' off, lads!

Get out your biggest guns: And it's Terpstra leading the peloton with Stannard on his wheel. The race could all come back together on this climb. Chavanel is up there too.

Terpstra has forged clear and he's alone now. He went right over the lead group and left them for dead. He's alone now ahead of the race with 27km to go.

NIKIIIIIII!!!!!!!

GRRRRR!

He's got 11 seconds and 25k, but COME ON NIKI!

OPQS says he has 21 seconds now!

One Terpstra, three Treks but the lead continues to grow. OH. MY. GOD.

25 seconds!

33!

Cokey Tom is apparently 'slowing things down' in the bunch too. Leaving coke in his wake to cause a distraction?

Hayman is moving up to the front to see what the problem is and why the chase has slowed.  Because THIS MAN is in charge!

Stijn has got his shoes back on is apparently on the attack!

He's got a Tinkoff, a mystery random, and a mystery OPQS with him.

Valverde has joined them as well.

Gert! It's Gert in the chase group! THE ULTIMATE TEAM.

Devolder is giving it a mighty good go here. He's got Niki back to 15 seconds.

Terpstra looks to be suffering but the Devolder group can't move the gap below 15 seconds.  

In fact the gap has gone up. HE IS THAT MUCH OF A LEGEND.

It's Garmin who are chasing at the head of the peloton. Oh, why? Is the loveliest man in cycling and in fact the known world about to get the yellow jersey???

10k. 18 seconds.

Two other former winners Nick Nuyens and Cokey Tom have gone off the front!

But have sat up.

The peloton are catching the chasers but the chasers aren't catching NIKI!!!

What??  Whatever, YES!!!

NOT LONG NOW NIKI!!!!!!!

!!!!  GOGOGOSISISI!

NIKI IS THE WINNER!!!!!

THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH EXCLAMATION POINTS IN THE WORLD FOR THIS!!!

I love this.

LOVE IT.

What's wrong with Alex's balls?

Don't be too hard on yourself Alex. In the early season, no one can match these guys.

Retweeted by Brian Holm: FUCK YES.

The Longest Day

Milan-San Remo

Who can forget the downright apocalyptic (though at times rather photogenic) conditions of yesteryear? I mean Cav looks like he's suffering from snow blindness.

And of course, Taylor Phinney live tweeted the whole thing.  While still managing an epic 7th place.

Mind the Taylor Phinney twitter rabbit hole. There is weirdness and hilarity in abundance.

One can easily get lost in the delightful fashion (especially Cav's euro top!)...

Or lose the time admiring the general photogenic-ness of a 6'5 man...

...Or quite simply faint at the inexplicably divine.

Not from Taylor's twitter, but equally divine.

Anyway. Enough daydreaming.

Let's be real, the Classics are the best part of the season. Everything is so dramatic. I mean "the Belgians will be ready"???  EPIC. ARE WE STARTING A WAR?!

Oh, Harley. Oh, poor poor Harley. How is he ever supposed to believe in himself if NO ONE believes in him??  I mean we all know Whitey is a dick, he basically sounds like an abuser in this article: "Gossy knows he isn't good enough, he knows it's his fault."

Go where you belong Gossy!! Save yourself!

I like Cav's distillation of what makes Milan-San Remo unique. I also like how he has no patience for stupid questions, and how he makes little digs that 'if you know anything about cycling' you agree with what he's saying.

Fuckin' GEAR UP!  Who does their music??

And Shimano's for that matter? SO EMOTIONAL! How do you not love that man?!

I mean, you can pick him out of a lineup. He's practically posing! What a show pony!

What is it, five former champs lining up on the start line? (SIX IF THEY'D ONLY LET MATT HARLEY RACE!) That's incredible. And they're all absolute killers as well.

Everyone's bringing such A-Teams (or maybe I just like their Classics men better?). But just a quick scan at the rosters of BMC, OPQS and Garmin.... They are not fuckin' around.

Obviously Trek doesn't have an A-Team, so they can't bring one.

Just the one man A-Team.

These are the type of sunglasses I was talking about before. I mean, is Ottavio Bottecchia gonna roll up in the background?

Is lovely Michal trying to kill me? That's like the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Is Taylor taking the picture?  Where's our superstar?

What did I say Bernie? Sounds like Cav has a new Monopoly buddy. Competition in this category is actually pretty fierce.

Taylor!! Nooooooooo!!!! I'm so sad for him!

Simon Gerrans also out with illness. Sooooo, sounds like there was room for Gossy, but whatever. 

Well with televised coverage not starting for another few hours, all we've basically got is: there's a break. And it's hailing.

Still, keep it in perspective.

Also, free cake! Everyone loves a bike race!

Is he being misquoted? WHAT A LEGEND.

Really is a long race. You've got this at one end and this goin' on right now. What filter are they using in San Remo?

Obviously anything can happen, but my money's on Cav today. When I heard his family surprised him before the start, I knew he was gonna have extra fire in what is already quite a fiery engine.

But uh oh: In 2008, the last time we used roughly 100 per cent of this course, Fabian Cancellara broke clear in the final stages to win alone.

That's a little bit fucking hilarious. 

Thunder on Cipressa might also feature in the short story collection. Oh yeah, there's thunder on the Cipressa.

Fab's chatting in the pre-show about winning and being on the podium multiple times: "But of course for me, and for everyone, it's hard."

He also talked about the epic carbo-loading required for this near-300k beast and essentially 'stuffing his legs full of carbs'.

We're about to talk to Charly Wegelius. He has Robbie Hunter in the car with him. Robbie has kindly passed the phone over to Charly. We can hear in the background the race radio crackle through as Robbie gives his riders instructions. Fantastic. Is Nico Portal around? Maybe they could do some awesome tailgate or something.

Wegelius: No. They’re all good riders. Just hold the line. [we can hear Robbie Hunter talking to a rider about possible coming back to the team car].  Just hold the line? That is amazing and polite. 'Just one moment please, just sorting out this Classic and I'll be right with you.'

La Primavera is now forecasting snow.

Oh my god this commentator just referred to Harley as Matt Harley Goss-- AM I COMMENTATING?

I definitely could. Sean Kelly just informed us that because riders are wearing gloves, it must be cold. Yup.

Fab just looked like he was gonna vom. I think he was just trying to breathe in the cold.

He's back at the team car but it's unclear what he's doing. The rain on the camera is so obscuring I thought for a moment he was grabbing an umbrella.

An indeterminate GreenEdge just grabbed his rain jacket between his teeth and sprinted off.

Barta takes on some food from the team car and then gives his DS a thumbs up, rather more in hope than confidence.  Confirmation: I am still technically alive.

So not in fact picking up an umbrella.

Luca Paolini just pouring some tea on his fingers there.

Like Geschke's beard, it has become an internet sensation.

Awww.

Cav's still up there. Just sayin'.

I think Fab just smiled at the camera.

Took his jacket off as well.

Watch out.

Is Cav just in shorts as well? #hardasamotherf#*cker

There's some kind of water hoover at the finish.  Better get that sorted in time.

Apparently G has been dropped.

Onto the Cipressa, and the hits start coming.  Cannondale to the front and starting the hurt.

!!!! ??? Swifty?! Swifty is in there?? YAY! 

Swifty never gets the glory but is quite obviously lovely and has a fantastic name and deserves some good luck. And his slightly delirious bromance with G probably also deserves an award.

Shark attack!

De Marchi is killing it on the front here.

Very few riders left in this group. 25 max I'd say.

Degenkolb, Geschke's beard, Greipel and Cav all still here as we top the Cipressa.

Nibali blows past the two leaders.

PhilGil still in the main group.

Tense moments as a little split is forced there by Stybar.

But it sorts itself out and everyone regroups.

Quite a lot of Skys there.

Everyone's taking off their rain jackets and it's becoming like a thousand percent more clear who's actually there.

I know, right? 

The Shark did this in 2009 didn't he? I think he just likes soloing on the lead up to the Poggio.

Nibabli's gap coming down.

Gregory Rast blasts past him.

Someone else up there with him now.

Phillllllllllllll!!!

But it comes together again. 

Bauke is making some huge attempt here on the front.

And eternal bridesmaid (not not THAT one) Greg Van Avermaet is having a little go.

Late attacks by a wildcard team.

SHUT IT DOWN OPQS.

Oh my Christ the last K comes up on you so quickly!

Everyone's still in here... PhilGil is dangling off the front, Cav is visible, Fab hasn't done anything and is therefore incredibly dangerous...

CRASH.

But everyone seems mostly in front of it.

Cav's not flying away here. He doesn't look like he has the legs.

Meh. Kristoff?

Keeping with this season's theme of Podium Starts at 2: Fab gets second, SWIFTY in there for third.

What a result for Swifty!!

Oh Christ, Fab BANGS those handlebars at the end. In slow motion it's insane. And it looks like he's sulking a little on the podium.

Degenkolb, if you're wondering, punctured at the foot of the Poggio. Heartbreak for the German after almost 300km of racing.  I was wondering actually. Poor guy. Can't get out of Marcel Kittel's shadow just yet.

Taylor Phinney finally weighs in and I have come around 100% on this result.

And everybody loves Swifty. I mean everybody.

Tell it to us in Fabianese. #Rain #Rain

I didn't know Geschke's Beard was taken out by Degenkolb's unluck too! THE WORST.

He is a Sunshine Rider.

Thank YOU for existing, Dave.

Zing. 

"I think my happiness is overshadowing how cold I am"?! The cutest.

Strong words, Greg. But then Cav is talking to the rain, so I think the effects of this year's MSR will be long-lasting.