Take Me Home, Gravel Roads

Strade Bianche

A 'modern classic' they seem to call this. I guess cuz it's technically such a newbie, but boasts such an excellent collection of past winners.

I'd be happy with any of those last three to do a repeat (or three-peat, as might be the case).

Cuz I'm fairly sure all three work at least part-time in male modelling.

Froomey knows: cycling cures all.

Come on ladies. Let professional champagne sprayer Niki show you how it's done.

I literally don't even know what sport this is being broadcast while we wait. Is it GUTS?

They should bring back GUTS. And Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Alright, 91k to go and there's a vaguely inconsequential group of breakaway riders up front. Except one is called Fonzi; we should talk about that.

Oh my goodness, a very bizarre crash there. Pirazzi just seemingly toppled over and doesn't seem to be able to get back up. Ugh, looks painful. Beloki-esque.

Huh a small group with Sagan and his offensive gear just went past, ahead of the peloton.

Ummm, they're being way too harsh on Moreno Moser right now. "He won it in 2013 and has done NOTHING WHATSOEVER since then".  7th in the Cadel Evans Great Ocean Road Race doesn't mean anything to you?!  Just kidding, I mean yeah he didn't win AT ALL in 2014, but clearly he's been busy raising baby kangaroos in the most utterly adorable fashion!

66k to go, last four breakaways only have a minute and a half now. Sagan seems to be back in the main group? The commentators aren't hugely informative here.

Italy is a stunner.

They are literally obsessed with Julian Arredondo's bike frame. In 15 minutes of airtime they've mentioned it 4 times. Apparently it's THE WORLD'S SMALLEST BICYCLE. Is it?

Oss and Quinzy on the front! They have been 'training' and pulling heists and generally having an absolute whale of a time recently.

Also, who's responsible for coining the SamugoldSanchez hashtag? Chapeau, as they say.

Monte Sante Marie Sector and strong crosswinds. Au secours! Au secours!

Ughhhhhhhhhhh. Could Valv.Piti PLEASE just retire already and spare us this nonsense EVERY RACE.

And in the similarly-awkward colours of Astana, Boom Goes the Dynamite up at the front.

NATHAN HAAS IN THE FRONT GROUP

Great stuff.

Omfg it looks so hard to even remain upright!

The only way to ride this race is from the front. It's like Paris-Roubaix in that way.  I love it.

Stybar, Sagan, Valv.Piti have separated themselves up front.

Ok, 'Lotto-Yumbo' is not a thing. Let's try and keep it together.

20 seconds those first three have, 44k to go.

Ummm, HELP A DUDE OUT!!! Styby was just trying to get rid of his cold weather gear by handing it off to the tv motorbike and the guy wouldn't take it! Just a free Czech champs jersey there guy, for your troubles. Wtf.

Sagan and Valverde looking down at their stems just now: Where am I? What's next?

11 seconds. 40k to go. Commercial break.

Leaders caught.

So back to 9 out front with about a minute; 37k to go.

Alright, let's not have a go at lovely Nathan Haas. Sitting on is apparently a perfectly valid race tactic. Or is it only when Sky does it?

"Fugitives"?! That is excellently overdramatic.

GreenEdge is left to do all the chasing back in the main group.

BMC have safety in numbers up front so most certainly won't win.

NATHANNNNNNNN, get 'em!

Greg VanAv went off the front, with Sep hot on his tail. Nathan was bridging the gap.

Didn't last, but for once, this was not the fault of Sep's flat tires.

Has Oss gone off the front???

Is he behind or in front??!

IN FRONT.

Turn up the heavy metal music, Daniel Oss is on the loose.

Inside 25k.

Monteaperti for Oss. And now for the other 8.

And now for everyone.

God talk about only being as good as your last race! They're talking about Ian Stannard like he's a great big loser cuz he's nowhere to be seen today. Like basically the last race that was on, he won. WHAT IS ENOUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE.

And now Sep is after Oss!

Lots of moves going!

Oh Peter! Sagan is left behind.

20k to go: Oss alone up front. Behind him Styby, Cancellara, Greg VanAv, Sep, Valv.Piti. AND NATHAN HAAS though they don't deem him worthy of mentioning in the commentary.

Sagan must be somewhere in no man's land behind them.

But now Oss brought back and hanging off the back of the front 9... with a revitalised Sagan?!

Stybar looking strong up front.

Sep, Stybar, Greg VanAv and Valverde up front.

Cancellara with Oss a bit behind them.

Sagan not in the picture anymore it would seem.

Still one secteur to go. Cancellara knows this, he's measuring his efforts.

Sep made a move that was seeming to put Greg VanAv into difficulty there.

But still those 4 together up front.

15k.

I said it's not over and look who's back!

FAAAAAAB!! And Oss too.

Attack from the back from VanAv!

He's away!

ONTO LE TOLFE FOR GREG

And Sep, Styby, and Valv.Piti.

Fab, Oss and Rosa behind them.

Sep being left behind!

Ummm, I love how they're talking about Fab right now, how he sits at home for the opening weekend of Classics watching them on tv, figuring out his rivals, like he's some kind of dictator or war general or something.

No more gravel, under 12k, we've got Stybar, Greg VanAv and Valv.Piti alone ahead. Also some 16% gradients to come.

Sep in no man's land 15 seconds behind.

Cripes out to 30 seconds very swiftly.

And now a minute. oh my jesus.

I don't think they're that far behind. GPS has gone mad?? It could happen.

I mean it must be happening; at this rate Sep is not even in the municipality of Siena anymore.

It would appear we're getting our own version of no race radios here. NO ONE KNOWS WHERE ANYONE IS.

There's Valverde, the experienced Spaniard. Always on form it would seem from February to October. Ummmmmm. That better be the driest fucking wit. But it did not sound like it.

Maybe a bit more than slight police tape to indicate the roads???! Everyone just nearly wiped out on that turn.

4k to go.

Well if it's gonna be down to these three just PLEASE not Valv.Piti ok????

2k.

Stybar PLEASE!!!!!??

Sep is so close behind it's excruciating.

FLAMME ROUGE.

THE CLIMB.

Sep is so close!

ATTACK VAN AV!

STYBAR BEHIND

VALV PITI DISTANCED!

STYBAR ALOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

HE'S ROLLLLLING AWAYYYYYYYYYY!

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE IT.

LOVE!!

And a standard 2nd place for Greg VanAv there. I mean for reals.

Awkward final podium place for Valv.Piti, soooooo (technically, eventually, with an asterisk in history, whatever) Sep in third!

Nathan we love you!!!

Pete you too!

Also, I'd like Fab to win again soon please. His storytelling is immense. How long til Flanders?

Can't wait for that motorbike guy to tell everyone how he turned down the WINNER'S JERSEY at 40k to go. One for the ages.