Old Dog, New Tricks

Gent-Wevelgem:

Obviously last year was excellent, sooooooo no pressure #GWE.

Before televised coverage starts, all we know is: it's raining, and ALEX is in the breakaway.

They had up to 8 minutes at one point but now the peloton seems to have split in two and a chase has brought the gap down to 4 minutes.

Enormous crash. Jokester Gert is being taken to hospital and it seems Martin Velits has a broken collarbone.

Cav was also involved but seems to be up chasing.

Dirk Demol ensures us Gert's injuries are not serious. Whew.

Should never have doubted. What a hardman.

For some reason the live coverage has not started at the advertised time and we are STILL watching some kind of French Antiques Roadshow.

There was a select front peloton of about 40 but now apparently the group behind has linked up making a peloton of about 100 behind the breakaways.

IAMs DS has called for neutralisation of the race; riders are being literally blown off their bikes apparently.

We all know that one VDV.

It does look so gross out there.

Ugh and they just panned back from the break to the peloton SO CLOSE behind. Brutal.

Oh my god, that FDJ could not have had bigger problems getting his rain jacket off. That was mad.

BMC obviously got my memo about the bright orange jackets and are wearing much more subdued and stylish (and MATCHING) red gabba-type tops today.

Fucking hell same thing for Chava, the elastic on the wrists seems to be the problem. He is now riding along with his rain jacket between his teeth and still attached to one wrist.

It is mayhem out there. People are just being blown over the road, they can't even form echelons in these conditions.

Cav had a puncture but Stijn VDB was very cool when giving him his wheel and he's quickly back in amongst the cars.

Sometime in all this chaos Alex and co were reeled back in.

Several groups on the road now.

Cav and Bernie having a chat, and Cav talking to the Sky team car.

Looks like they're finally turning off this hellish straight exposed road.

Niki's up at the front.

Fuckin' seriously.

JACK BAUER.  

BLYTHE.

Where are we this group is amazing.

I think this is the second group on the road. 

Sir Brad has abandoned. Is this even worth reporting as 'news' anymore?

DEGE! in front group. Also Niki as mentioned, Styby, Sagan, Sep and G among others.

As if these nightmarish conditions weren't enough. Matty Hayman just had to indicate that a CAR WAS DRIVING TOWARDS THEM. 

Heinrich Haussler shouting in an indeterminate language to possibly the tv motorbike.

Oss pushing hard in Group 2, leading Greg VanAv who's kind of a legend for even starting after that summersault over his handle bars the other day. He limped to the sign on and said he was gonna 'try and get in the mood' for echelons and shitty weather.

Hausslar trying to ride on a flat tire.

Now Niki has a puncture.

Oss has made the junction to Group 1.

Going past Langemark Cemetery now. Second-largest German cemetery in the area with a lot of interesting stories attached to it.

It is looking good for Lotto up there; but safety in numbers seems to never be a good thing in the Classics.

Luca Paolini up front too. Obvs. Takin' a turn from Johnny D.

Group 2 seems close but this might be camera trickery.

Maarten Tjallingii goes off the front. Oss follows, but decides it's not worth the effort.

Describing this utter bloody chaos as a 'bunfight' is possibly the most English commentary that can ever be made.

Seems Group 2 has merged with Group 1 up front. Everyone is having a small snack.

You know it Nico!

It looks like Tjallingii is riding with a leaf of lettuce in his bottle cage. The rain is more than a little obscuring to this camerawork.

Oh my god of course Sep has had a mechanical. 

But he seems to be chasing back on.

Awww Luca fell over! His bike looks a mess. The car was right there though, so he's got a new bike and is chasing back.

Oh Gert. We love you.

Lord, even his own team don't know where Cav is.

Possibly the entire rest of the team is in the front group. 

I mean seriously. Martin Velits crashed out so is every other member of the team up there?

Luca's back on.

Quinzy went for a move on the lower slopes of the Baneberg. OPQS lead a chase.

Little group off the front here. Oss made a move I think, he's joined by 4 others. Stijn's Shoulders among them.

2 riders trying to make the junction.

Looks like Sagan and maybe Luca have joined up front?

They're all being dragged up there now.

NIKI follows Sep and heads straight to the front.

Looks like all the OPQS are back up front now. 

Big group together again.

They're gaining on Tjallingii now.

Nice one.

A GreenEdge went down in a muddy ditch there. Madness.

Jurgen Roelandts joined Tjallingii up front and is now riding away from him.

Greg VanAv has made it back to the front group??! GO GREG.

TV motorbike happy to take Roelandt's rain jacket there. Obviously not the same guy who shunned Styby the other day WHEN HE WON.

The standards for OPQS are too fucking high. 'They haven't really delivered' is this constant line, all the time, every year. Do they literally have to win EVERY RACE from February to April?? Meanwhile Sky have had a blinder of a season with the same, if not less impressive, results. BOO HISS.

SIX FOOT SIX is Stijn VDB.

A very eventful commercial break. Came back to a split in the group, VDB riding away solo (and apparently confused), Styby has punctured but is chasing back on....

VDB is now away up front with Oss and G and Sep.

He's put his radio back in now and slowed right down.

Jens Debusschere has joined them.

Let's just cool it with this nationalistic pride. Win E3 once and apparently you're Fabian Cancellara all of a sudden.

OH SHIT

Jack Bauer. Something caught in his back wheel? And then he was almost hit by a car. Threw his bike in a ditch and ripped off his musette in a rage. Oh man.

This pronunciation of 'Debusschere' is driving me utterly insane.

Yikes Group 2 is 2 minutes back from that group up front.

Which now includes LUCA! Who dragged himself up there solo!

It's been carnage all afternoon.

OH G!!!! He took a massive tumble! He bounced off the ground several times. Oh G.

Oss looked over at Sep and was like 'jesus hell'.

Oh G, he's back up, he's riding alongside the team car, looks like maybe Rod was giving him an encouraging push from the backseat there. 

It looked worse than that if you can believe.

So accurate.

Geeeeeeeeee! He's caught back up to his front group. GO G.

Fucking hell Niki looks like something from an old school WWI photo right now. He's on the chase to the front group.

Roelandts has got a minute and a half up there, by the way, while all this insanity is kicking off behind.

Looks like Jack made it back to Group 2? Not sure on what bike though.

Here's Niki solo, somewhere....

HE IS ALMOST ON THE BACK OF THAT FRONT GROUP.

It's like the biking equivalent of a fist bump right now.

Alllllllo, it's me! Niki!

This is such a group of beasts up front, I can't even cope.

Giant are saying Johnny D is out of contention (if not out of the race? This is unclear) after a puncture at the Kemmelberg. Waaaaaah.

Thank god Niki got across when he did cuz that second group on the road is just going out and out. 

Roelandts has 2 minutes up front.

Alex has clearly abandoned. Even he couldn't tweet and ride in THIS race.

Is the weather getting worse? Is that possible?  

I love this. "He's probably broken both legs", amazing. 

I do love G, so you can imagine how annoying Eurosport's deifying commentary must've been earlier to make me feel ill will towards him.

Is Stampkot Barn a famous barn? Or is it just a regular barn? What are these tv graphics?

Bumps in the road are bumping Roelandts' earpiece out all the time.

The magnificent 7 have an increasing gap on that back group. They surely won't come back now?

Roelandts is onto the Kemmelberg for the last time. SLOGGING up.

I think they might actually be playing old war tunes. Like what they used to play as troops marched off to the Front.

Magnificent 7 onto the Kemmelberg.

NIKI LAUNCHES THE FIRST BLOW.

G is closest but they're struggling to stay on him.

Luca has been distanced the most.

They're off the berg now and we've got Niki, G, Sep and Stijn slightly away up front.

All the tractors of Belgium are out honking their horns for Roelandts.

They seem to have grabbed half a minute off Roelandts with that Kemmelberg attack.

Oh Oss, he's really being left behind. Luca passed him but is still well behind. Seems Debusschere has caught those 4 up front. That adds up to 7 yes? I think we've accounted for everyone.

Second Group has now reached the Kemmelberg, for what it's worth.

Luca has caught back up!!!

So only Oss got dropped. Sad.

Niki leading this pack like an utter beast.

He isn't terribly far behind, Oss, but I mean it's not like it's easy to bridge that gap.

Wee Sylvain is trying a move off the front of that second group.

Etixx do have the numbers. If they do pull back Roelandts how do they play it? Umm, badly? Tactically incorrect? Infuriatingly misjudged?

Under a minute to Roelandts here.

Ughhh and there's still more than 30k to go. This is the hardest race ever.

Oh Ted. STAY SAFE.

Entering Ieper/Ypres/Wipers now.

Gorgeous old town. Past the excellent In Flanders Field Museum and through the Menin Gate for Roelandts.

And very shortly behind him, the Magnificent 7 (minus Oss).

Though actually Oss not far behind them either.

Oh lord, Roelandts is flaaaaaaggggging.

And the chase seems to be on behind!! VDB starts the attacks!

Under 20k, they're dancing around behind with Roelandts only 15 seconds ahead.

VDB is KILLING these guys.

SHIT NIKI HAS A MECHANICAL RIGHT NOW

RIGHT NOW REALLY?!!?!?!

THE BIKE ISN'T COMING OFF  WHAT IS THIS FARCE

Oh my good christ PLEASE NIKI GET BACK ON.

Roelandts has been mopped up.

BIG BIG gestures from Wilfried Peeters in the driver's seat.

Oh hellllloooooo, IT'S ME AGAIN!!

I know riders pay for these types of efforts and shit but WHO CARES IT'S SUCH A FUCK YOU WHEN HE GETS BACK ON

AND HE'S AWAYYYYYYYYY!

And he's taken LUCA of all people!! I LOVE THIS.

DRAW CLEAR NIKI, DRAW CLEAR!!

G is launching an attack back there!

He's got Stijn and Sep and Debusschere with him.

Oh they've dropped Sep and Debusschere!

NIKI and LUCA up front, G and Stijn behind.

Sep and Debusschere behind look like they're gonna vom on themselves.

13k to go.

G is chasing like a FUCKING BEAR.

Oh man he's left Stijn behind.

He's gonna get on the back here.

I COULD HANDLE THIS PODIUM. Niki, G and Luca!!

Luca's going forward and looking back, no one's coming.

Three together.

G is like CRYING for help.

Stijn is gonna get back on here.

Oh shit, the safety in numbers jinx.

10k.

Ok you can stop stalling now! You've got Stijn now GET AWAY. Sep and Debusschere are catching.

They just can't. Nobody can manage anything, everyone is DYING.

They're about to make this junction.

Oh man, someone is dropping. 

Stijn is having an issue of some kind.

But he's back, that was needlessly stressful.

Went round the left of the roundabout and up to the front.

Niki's trying to drift to the back to launch an attack but G is wise to his ways and seems to love putting people in the gutters.

Luca goes for it!

He's got something going here.

Stijn shouting back at Niki.

Niki forced to make the attack but shuts it down almost immediately.

VDB going again! 

Under 5k! Luca had 9 seconds at one point, don't know what now.

Niki is staying on the back, VDB keeps hitting with the ol' 1-2.

GO NIKI GO COME ON

He's getting away. G is there but no one else.

STAY AWAY YOU TWO STAY AWAY

Sep has certainly been distanced.

2k oh my god.

Ks are ticking down now this is madness.

FLAMME ROUGE.

VDB for what it's worth leaving Debusschere behind.

LUCA KILLED THIS!!!!

Thumbs up and a peace sign to the camera as he crosses the line.

Niki is taking second, don't you even dare.

It is literally the podium I dreamed of.

Oh my god there are ALWAYS words in the Etixx-Quickstep bus.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT FROM THEM.

I love Luca. Honestly, this is up there with my favourite podium of all time. It might be tied.

And Jack seems to have calmed down. That's good.

Good fucking god. Is that a record?

And is Niki going for the record for CLASSIC PODIUM FACES??

Update: Holy hell. This is in the middle of that fucking mechanical mayhem where the bike wouldn't come off the rack.

Sliding Dwars

 Dwars door Vlaanderen

After a brief stint on the cobbles at the start of the month with Omloop Het Nieuwsblad and Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne, the arrival of Dwars door Vlaanderen marks the beginning of the run into the Tour of Flanders. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT.

Also, hell yes: Today is a chance for the riders to deal the first mental blow to their rivals. 

It's a dreary day in Belgium as the riders roll out for the neutralised start.  Yup. Sounds about right.


Marco Haller has left the race, possibly because of a crash. This should be noted so we can always be aware of him in the future, and, when he's spotted, cry "HALLER!"

The break is: Jonathan Castroviejo (Movistar), Joey Rosskopf (BMC), Sean De Bie (Lotto-Soudal), Tom Van Asbroeck (LottoNL-Jumbo), Sven Erik Bystrom (Katusha), Alexandre Pichot (Europcar), Guiseppe Fonzi (Southeast), Michael Reihs (Cult Energy), Jay Thomson (MTN-Qhubeka), Brian Van Gosthem (Roompot) and Vladimir Isaychev (Katusha).

Based on names, I'm liking Sean De Bie (it sounds like a joyful sound a cartoon bee might make), Jonathan Castroviejo (I mean that's just a great name), and Guiseppe Fonzi (come on).

Lots of crashes in the rain today.

Trek is having not their luck today. 2 men out and they were already one man down.

Annnnnnd the break is brought back.

A morning chat with Kwiato provided on cyclingnews. I find him just delightful. He brings joy to my heart.

Love it. That's like a short story collection title (and cover) right there.

Sean de Bie is buzzing around the front again.

But all together once again at 130k to go.

8 away now apparently. The 8 leaders: Dockx, Brändle, Dron, Howard, Petit, Van Goethem, Wallays and Zepuntke.

I guess in this group you have to go with Pippo Pozzato's Aussie twin Leigh Howard here.

Though I do love a Garmindale and Zepunkte certainly has quite a name on him.

Omg and he's already crashed and his ass is on show. GO ZEPUNKTE.

And if Adrien Petit is ACTUALLY petit well then that's a bit excellent as well.

We have reached Oudenaarde, and the halfway point of this race.

Also, a guy named Martin has joined the breakway.

There may be a split in the peloton here? Twitter and cyclingnews are at odds on this.

In any event, 75k to go.

 We've lost Petit Adrien in the breakaway to a mechanical, and now they're drinking Kirsch.

But they have as many seconds as they have men in the group, so not long til the catch now.

Rule #1: Be David Millar.

Ok is it #GiveItYourAll or is it #OurWay??

And anyway, between general resistance to authority (#KeepChallenging) and what sounds like an endorsement of B&E (#GoAndTakeIt), cycling fans are being induced into some weird behaviours.

Lotto-Jumbo have the most comprehensible #motto, and that's not even in the same language!

Though clearly that's not done them any favours as 5 of their 8 starters are now confirmed to be out of the race. Including Jos Van Emden, who has a great first name.

When did Alex Dowsett and Nathan Haas become besties and how is my heart supposed to handle that amazingness?

A non-Vanendert Jelle is off the front solo but still 58k to go to Waregem.

Kwaitkowski leading a severely diminished peloton following the Taaienberg. He looks at the rest of the group, none of them want to take up the pace setting so he pulls out a gap with a Topsport Vlaanderen rider. Kwiato, show 'em how it's done.

Annnnnd he's already caught Jelle.

DVB IS THERE TOO?!!?!?!!?!?!?

Ugh, although again cyclingnews is at odds here. He may in fact not be there. It was almost the coolest group on ANY ROAD. Maybe that was too much for the world to handle.

A small change to the make-up of that front group it is actually Dylan Van Baarle and not Sebastian Langeveld. Small change MY ASS.

Damn, excellent chasers as well: Boom Goes the Dynamite, Nikolas Maes, and Burghy! ...Among others.

And Jens Debusscherre and Stijn Devolder are also going for it??! EVERYONE IN THIS RACE IS COOL.

Chasers behind are all morphing together, but Kwiato is keeping the gap strong up ahead.

On the Kwaremont with a minute in hand and 39k to go.

There's some weird hexed corner where people keep crashing. Unconfirmed at this time whether this is Ned Boulting's fault.

HEARTS!

This has distracted me from the fact that Niki is sorta-kinda dropped.

So that means I won't be using the title You & Me and Niki Makes Three! as I'd hoped.

How did you know?

Another former winner, GATTO is on the chase!

GVK IS THERE TOO?!!?

Ughhhhh that means OPQS has safety in numbers!!! ALWAYS A BAD SIGN.

Just over 25k to go.

40 seconds for Kwiato's Heroes, with under 20k to go!

14k and it's raining and they're still out there.

Less than 10k to go. 30 second advantage Kwiato DVB et al.

This literally makes no sense but I second it!

OH MY GOD KILL ME! WHO'S IT GOING TO BE?????

The options are 50% AMAZING and 50% Blah!

AS IF I CAN FOCUS ON ANYTHING ELSE

Ugh. REALLY!?

What even happened there?? DVB in third and Kwaito 4th?? Meh.

And GVK was 5th. So let's start the podium at 3. WAHOO.

I suppose-- like Alex and Nathan communing from their respective flats in London-- a PERFECT WIN at DDV after last week's GORGEOUS Milan-Sanremo would simply be too much for this world.

Later:
Ummmmmm, BURN?? CALL IT OUT MICHAL!
.... If there was any doubt as to who that was for.

Dege Dege Hey!

 Milan-Sanremo

Sooooo, Fabian Cancellara is a living legend. I feel like in a way, Tinkov was trying to give him a compliment; crafty ol' fox, say. But whatever the provocation, WHAT A RESPONSE. WHAT A MAN.

WHAT A CHAMPION. In L'Equipe this morning: "Sagan is a great rider. Stop saying that we're enemies and we can't stand one another! We're rivals-- that's different."

It sounds like the theme of the day will be #rain #rain, but that has already made for some excellent punning.

But yeah we'll see who's feelin' the jokes after 300k.

This update from cyclingnews feels like a beautiful short story; or maybe I'm just being swept away by the excitement of LA CLASSICISSIMA:
The escapees reach the summit of the Turchino with a lead of five minutes over the peloton. This is more or less the midway point of the race, but also a rather symbolic moment. In the popular imagination, at least, the Turchino marks the boundary between the frigid air of the northern Italian plain and the sunshine of the Riviera, the threshold between winter and spring. I'm not sure if they can appreciate that symbolism out on the road right now- the rain is still cascading out of a leaden sky as they begin the descent, with temperatures still in single digits.

Ok I was lukewarm towards Kristoff when he won last year, but he is SO CUTE in this pre-race interview! I'm not saying I want him to win again (Hello, Dege, Fab, Kwiato, Cav...) but you know, podium place? I'd be down for that.

BIKE RACING IS BEAUTIFUL:
The switch of Milan-San Remo from Saturday to Sunday has altered the experience of La Classicissima somewhat for those who live near the Turchino. An aquantaince of Cyclingnews from Campo Ligure often recalls with misty eyes how the Saturday morning passing of Milan-San Remo meant that he and his classmates were frog-marched out of school early to cheer on Argentin, Bugno et al. Let's hope the race carries the same appeal for the youth of today even if it no longer involves cutting class.

Is Cav sandbagging again? Hard to find evidence of this on the internet, but didn't he and Brian Holm treat 2009 like a Soviet spy mission? Like pulling out of races with fake illness in the run up and pretending to be bad in the mountains for like the whole early season?

Those rain capes of BMC are rather garish. Their kits are pretty subdued and classy and then they've got these BRIGHT ORANGE clashing jackets.

Julian Berard gives us a little wave as we race along. Chilleur.

Every time OPQS has safety in numbers I get such anxiety.

But what a freaking TEAM. Kwiato, Cav, Styby as possible winners. Plus workhorse and beast man Stijn VDB and Hair Idol Julian Vermote.

It's not THAT sunny here but yeah, samesies.

Martin Tjallingii riding along with a banana in his mouth there.

And Kwiato taking off the first of several layers.

Hokaaayyy, don't say Bernie Eisel is on camera when he is NOT ON CAMERA. That's like a mean girls style prank.

Tinkov-SassyBank all over the front. Sky joining them. Kwiato there.

OOF crash in this sort of tunnel thing.

They're all getting told 'move up move up'.

It's been so many years since we've seen the World Champion win Milan-Sanremo. DO IT KWIATO.

ALEXXXXX! HIIIIIIII! Alex is back!

Cannondale-Garmin, we haven't heard a lot from them this year. Uhhhh, are you in a social media blackout?

Sunshine at Via Roma it seems.

Fran's not a fan of HD Stijn VDB face then.

Ho-HO it's slo-mo SuperFenn now, surely can't have a problem with that?

omg seriously. I am a fortune teller.

Oh christ, Gossy was at the back there.

IT'S KICKIN OFF LADS.

Teeth are being gritted, people are being dropped.

WHAT THE ACTUAL-- DO THOSE PEOPLE HAVE FLAME THROWERS?!!

A 300k+ bike race in the rain isn't enough, now you have to dodge explosions from the peanut gallery?

Le Crow leading Sky around these lanes.

OH CRASH.

Fuck they're all just sitting against the wall.

NOT ALEX. He JUST came back!

Juul Jenson, fucking hell. Bleeding from the face.

Yeah that's not Le Crow's fault Brian Smith or whoever you are commentating. That's shady commentating suggesting that.

Three Sky's alone on the front,  literally a tiny breakaway: Le Crow, G, and Swifty. Weird. Interesting.

Yeah, it was planned to take the lead and have one of their guys crash, WHO IS THIS IDIOT??

The Skys are mopping up some breakaways. 2ks to the turn at Cipressa.

Onto the slopes of the Cipressa, but looks like the peloton are close behind.

Attack BMC. Dillier straight past the Sky group, G and Swifty latching on.

STYBY! Shot off the front like a cannon! Fuuuuuuckin' hell. He went up like it was flat and is already on the back of that Sky/Dillier group. Greg VanAv got up in there too at some point.

CRASH.

Arnaud Demare! Oh no! Le Crow gave him a little look as he went by. Aww.

Cripes Sky are setting an INFERNAL pace. Kristoff is hanging off the back.

G's got his earpiece out. I GOT THIS.

"The Playboy Italian"! Ha! Pippo's near the front, if that wasn't clear.

Where are these people coming from?? Every time you come back to the front it's some new person or team you didn't even think was in the group!

NATHAN HAAS ON THE FRONT NOW.

Pippo shouting at motorbikes to kindly make way.

Off the descent of the Cipressa, and ATTACK OSS.

HE IS SUCH A DUDE.

Where's G? They say he's out front too.

Ah there, he's with Oss now.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO KWAITO??? He's coming up from the back, though looking fairly chill.

He's just coming up the side like NO CHAIN.

Ok I think he was maybe just taking his leg warmers off and maybe strategising at the back.

Some good quality SASS going on there Dan.

G looks like he might vom on himself.

They kind of have the same hair.

G and Oss, this is. They've got about 30 seconds.

I like this just generally as an image, for anytime of life. But yeah, def great news for the race right now.

Who've GreenEdge got?

A kilometre up the Poggio! AHH THE STRESS!!!

7 seconds for the Hair Blair Bunch.

LUCAAAAAAAA and his glorious beard are leading the peloton.

Time to be a hero once again!

AHH G HAS ATTACKED!

WAHOOOOO around the corner.

I don't think Luca Paolini can bring back Geraint Thomas.

Uh huh. This fuckin' guy.

HELL YEAH. PHILGIL FOLLOWED BY STYBY.

Oh. Came to nothing.

Greg VanAV has caught G!

POGGIO DI SANREMO you are a beautiful tv graphic!

Ahhhh it's all coming together on the descent.

Crash somewhere

Hairpin hairpin hairpin

PhilGil, Styby, Ciolek all down in that crash. DAMMIT.

Rolf Aldag out with his OPQSers commiserating.

Moves and moves and moves, people going forward and dropping back.

1500 meters to go!!

HERO LUCA bringing Kristoff to the front.

FLAMME ROUGE!!!!!!!

LUCA TURNS RIGHT AT THE FOUNTAIN

AHHH I'M RIDING SAM REMO WHAT IS THIS CAMERA WORK????!

JOHN DEGENKOLB JOHN DEGENKKOLB JOHNDGENKOLB

COME ON!!!!!!

JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

JOHN DEGENKOLB IST MEIN HELD!!!!!

HE REALLY IS!!!!

Kristoff has just started to die. Only decent thing that asshat has said all day.

I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!

Aussie Rules

Paris Nice Stage 7: Nice-Col d'Eze ITT

Well might as well bookend this Paris-Nice, as I haven't managed to cover anything that happened since the Prologue.

Looks real gross out there today.

I like how these warm ups and warm downs are done in like weirdly exposed areas in the middle of the city going about its business.

In addition to Manual For Speed brilliantly describing the Prologue course as starting behind a grocery store and finishing down the road at a building.

Tony, unwillingly taking off his gilet at the last second before the start.

After his stellar performance at the last time trial, Bradley Wiggins has decided not to take the start today. What a champion.

Nice sur la pluit. Et dans le vent. Real talk.

Grossssssssssss.

On a vu des arrives de Paris-Nice beaucoup plus chaud.

Nice one Pitbull! Currently in the lead! Of course Tony the Tiger is out on course, so....

Yeahhhhh, Tony has caught his minute man.

Actually he's caught his THREE minute man, Simon Clarke!

I love this blatantly nationalistic coverage. They're asking Michael Matthews if they think Tony Gallopin can pull it off today. He countered with his own jingoistic prediction that Richie will come from behind and take it.

THE CUTEST from Julian Alaphillippe just now, about Kwiato: Bien sur je vais lui donner du conseil, mais il n'a pas besoin de mon conseil!

YAAASSS!

TONY. Killing it. New best time by 8 seconds.

Allllloooo.

Pour les courers, on peut pas dire que c'est des conditions ideal.

Ok, how does the UCI expect to be taken seriously when they are spending their time checking people's bikes for motors.

When did they stop calling him Rafael Valls Ferri? I preferred that.

!!!!! I don't know!!!!

God it seemed like PhilGil was out there for days!! His time seems to back this up as well.

G! Here we go!

Richieeeeeee!

Uhh did we not even get to see Michal go off!?? Not cool, France 3, not cool.

Oh. Maybe I blinked. GO KWIATO!

Whaaaat, Simon Spilak thought he won yesterday and raised his arm only to discover Tony Gallopin beat him to it??? That's so sad!

No pressure, guy.

I feel like Votre Copain Tony Gallopin should be some kind of children's programme about stranger danger or something.

Simonnnnnnnnn! I mean maybe he won't keep it, but that's a bit of redemption after yesterday's embarrassment.

Has there ever been a time when the last French winner of a race WASN'T Bernard Hinault?

Yikes, nice one Rui!

Holy shit.

God Kwiato took that turn like a BEAST. I thought he was gonna go over!

FUUUUUUUCKIN HELL RICHIE! That was insanity.

Now we have to watch this sad, loser's procession of Tony Gallopin!

Oh my jesus he's fallen off the podium.

And now they're asking him if it feels disappointed. COME ON.

Devastating.

Does Tony Gallopin remind anyone else of Doug Stamper? Is it the eyebrows?

I think Elia Viviani is like the kindest human being and most supportive teammate ever. He's always saying nice things and apologising for letting the team down when he's got like a broken arm and pelvis.

For some reason it's quite weird to end on a time trial.

Didn't last year have a huge dramatic run-in along the Promenade des Anglais? That was badass.

But anyway, I guess the point is: GO RICHIE.

The ninja will no doubt be thrilled.

7 Minutes in Heaven

Paris-Nice Prologue: Maurepas-Maurepas


Erm, am I writing Garmin's tweets these days?

Their social media has been ON FIRE this year, starting way back with the BenKing86/89 hilarity.

Well someone has been reading my dream journal, cuz this is ALMOST the perfect Garmin team:

Alex Howes
TJ Butcher
Ted King
Ben King
Dylan Van Baarle
Special Agent Jack Bauer
Andrew Talansky
Sebastian Langeveld

I might swap Andrew Talansky and Sebastian Langeveld for Nathan Haas and Moreno Moser. And Dan Martin as a reserve. But other than that, ACTUAL DREAM TEAM.

Ok I have been kidding about this whole TJ Butcher thing, but WHAT?!?! This is amazing.

Ok, let's race.

DVB is leading!

Oop well that didn't last.

Oh c'est pas mal hein? ...Ah non, 58eme, c'est moins bon.

It must be a little tedious to commentate on a time trial. I guess these jokers can be forgiven for not knowing entirely what is going on.

That was kinda a tune on the Lexus advert.

And then Eurosport is clearly using some AWOLNATION in their promos. Excellent stuff.

TJ BUTCHER IN THIRD

He shined so bright last year. BRING IT HOME THIS YEAR TJ!

Nico out on course. I'm so glad he's at Sky now and not working for Bertie at SaxoBank. He was using his powers for evil there.

Nice one from Cokey Tom. He was having some issues with his helmet midway through which slowed him down, but very decent in the end.

Richie off the ramp, confusing me cuz he's in his Australian Time Trial champ gear and all it's colours and not standard-issue Sky blacks.

...parce que Richie Porte un jour sans, ca peut être quinze minutes d'un coup!

That dude in the middle is so lucky.

Il a gagner l'étape reine a Willunga Hill.
Devant qui?
Devant Rohan Dennis, justement!

Not bad Richie. Third for the moment.

It is so fitting when Lars Boom is in a time trial and he rides with the warning BOOM behind him. What a ledge.

Panzerwagen is a go.

Special Agent Jack Bauer rollin' in. With the greatest nickname ever given: l'hero malheureux de Nimes.

That's practically a Shakespeare character. Or like a minor character from the Count of Monte Cristo.

Attention ca va jouer ca va jouer!

DO IT TONY!!!!

DAMN.

Oh. Well then who cares. We love you Tony!

PhilGil off to the races. No results as of yet, but you can't deny he's been killin' it this early season.

Hendy posting a very respectable time there.

Tiny John Degenkolb out there now too.

Which makes this an inappropriate time to go to commercial.

And offer extensive coverage of whatever this cross-country skiing thing is.

Cuz meanwhile THINGS ARE GOIN' DOWN!

Oh thank god I was really concerned for a minute there that I was gonna have to watch skiing for the rest of my life.

...and not a moment too soon. KWIATOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Wee Sylvain en piste, as they say.

Fuckin' hell Michal is not playin' around! How is he already in the finishing straight??

COME ON MICHAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, by 31 100ths of a second!!!

Brad Wiggins out now, to come ruin all the fun, as he does, always.

On the bike, Wiggo really looks like Oppy, the TDU Mascot. It makes me feel sort of queasy.

And on the opposite end of that spectrum, Michal Kwiatkowski is THE CUTEST MAN ALIVE!!! They're just interviewing him about being so excellent etc, and he is just so sweet!!!

Ah il est battu, il va être battu, et largement meme!

SUCK IT WIGGO.

Fucking hell and then one of the tv motorbikes hit a barrier! What the hell! Lucifer is riding with Wiggo here.

Tejay still out there!

But no.

HA, actually better than Brad, THE WORLD'S GREATEST HUMAN AND BIKE RIDER EVER, apparently.

What a dick.

Wish there was video, but the sentiment still stands.

Hubris.

Well we didn't see it but NICE ONE for Tiny John Degenkolb, in for sixth!

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!

Meanwhile, is Niki trolling his boss? I love it. Also the caption is weirdly hysterical.

Well Paris-Nice obviously got the memo about last year's Fireworks of Tirreno and has fired a BRILLIANT opening salvo in the fight for stage race supremacy. Your move, Tirreno.

Take Me Home, Gravel Roads

Strade Bianche

A 'modern classic' they seem to call this. I guess cuz it's technically such a newbie, but boasts such an excellent collection of past winners.

I'd be happy with any of those last three to do a repeat (or three-peat, as might be the case).

Cuz I'm fairly sure all three work at least part-time in male modelling.

Froomey knows: cycling cures all.

Come on ladies. Let professional champagne sprayer Niki show you how it's done.

I literally don't even know what sport this is being broadcast while we wait. Is it GUTS?

They should bring back GUTS. And Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Alright, 91k to go and there's a vaguely inconsequential group of breakaway riders up front. Except one is called Fonzi; we should talk about that.

Oh my goodness, a very bizarre crash there. Pirazzi just seemingly toppled over and doesn't seem to be able to get back up. Ugh, looks painful. Beloki-esque.

Huh a small group with Sagan and his offensive gear just went past, ahead of the peloton.

Ummm, they're being way too harsh on Moreno Moser right now. "He won it in 2013 and has done NOTHING WHATSOEVER since then".  7th in the Cadel Evans Great Ocean Road Race doesn't mean anything to you?!  Just kidding, I mean yeah he didn't win AT ALL in 2014, but clearly he's been busy raising baby kangaroos in the most utterly adorable fashion!

66k to go, last four breakaways only have a minute and a half now. Sagan seems to be back in the main group? The commentators aren't hugely informative here.

Italy is a stunner.

They are literally obsessed with Julian Arredondo's bike frame. In 15 minutes of airtime they've mentioned it 4 times. Apparently it's THE WORLD'S SMALLEST BICYCLE. Is it?

Oss and Quinzy on the front! They have been 'training' and pulling heists and generally having an absolute whale of a time recently.

Also, who's responsible for coining the SamugoldSanchez hashtag? Chapeau, as they say.

Monte Sante Marie Sector and strong crosswinds. Au secours! Au secours!

Ughhhhhhhhhhh. Could Valv.Piti PLEASE just retire already and spare us this nonsense EVERY RACE.

And in the similarly-awkward colours of Astana, Boom Goes the Dynamite up at the front.

NATHAN HAAS IN THE FRONT GROUP

Great stuff.

Omfg it looks so hard to even remain upright!

The only way to ride this race is from the front. It's like Paris-Roubaix in that way.  I love it.

Stybar, Sagan, Valv.Piti have separated themselves up front.

Ok, 'Lotto-Yumbo' is not a thing. Let's try and keep it together.

20 seconds those first three have, 44k to go.

Ummm, HELP A DUDE OUT!!! Styby was just trying to get rid of his cold weather gear by handing it off to the tv motorbike and the guy wouldn't take it! Just a free Czech champs jersey there guy, for your troubles. Wtf.

Sagan and Valverde looking down at their stems just now: Where am I? What's next?

11 seconds. 40k to go. Commercial break.

Leaders caught.

So back to 9 out front with about a minute; 37k to go.

Alright, let's not have a go at lovely Nathan Haas. Sitting on is apparently a perfectly valid race tactic. Or is it only when Sky does it?

"Fugitives"?! That is excellently overdramatic.

GreenEdge is left to do all the chasing back in the main group.

BMC have safety in numbers up front so most certainly won't win.

NATHANNNNNNNN, get 'em!

Greg VanAv went off the front, with Sep hot on his tail. Nathan was bridging the gap.

Didn't last, but for once, this was not the fault of Sep's flat tires.

Has Oss gone off the front???

Is he behind or in front??!

IN FRONT.

Turn up the heavy metal music, Daniel Oss is on the loose.

Inside 25k.

Monteaperti for Oss. And now for the other 8.

And now for everyone.

God talk about only being as good as your last race! They're talking about Ian Stannard like he's a great big loser cuz he's nowhere to be seen today. Like basically the last race that was on, he won. WHAT IS ENOUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE.

And now Sep is after Oss!

Lots of moves going!

Oh Peter! Sagan is left behind.

20k to go: Oss alone up front. Behind him Styby, Cancellara, Greg VanAv, Sep, Valv.Piti. AND NATHAN HAAS though they don't deem him worthy of mentioning in the commentary.

Sagan must be somewhere in no man's land behind them.

But now Oss brought back and hanging off the back of the front 9... with a revitalised Sagan?!

Stybar looking strong up front.

Sep, Stybar, Greg VanAv and Valverde up front.

Cancellara with Oss a bit behind them.

Sagan not in the picture anymore it would seem.

Still one secteur to go. Cancellara knows this, he's measuring his efforts.

Sep made a move that was seeming to put Greg VanAv into difficulty there.

But still those 4 together up front.

15k.

I said it's not over and look who's back!

FAAAAAAB!! And Oss too.

Attack from the back from VanAv!

He's away!

ONTO LE TOLFE FOR GREG

And Sep, Styby, and Valv.Piti.

Fab, Oss and Rosa behind them.

Sep being left behind!

Ummm, I love how they're talking about Fab right now, how he sits at home for the opening weekend of Classics watching them on tv, figuring out his rivals, like he's some kind of dictator or war general or something.

No more gravel, under 12k, we've got Stybar, Greg VanAv and Valv.Piti alone ahead. Also some 16% gradients to come.

Sep in no man's land 15 seconds behind.

Cripes out to 30 seconds very swiftly.

And now a minute. oh my jesus.

I don't think they're that far behind. GPS has gone mad?? It could happen.

I mean it must be happening; at this rate Sep is not even in the municipality of Siena anymore.

It would appear we're getting our own version of no race radios here. NO ONE KNOWS WHERE ANYONE IS.

There's Valverde, the experienced Spaniard. Always on form it would seem from February to October. Ummmmmm. That better be the driest fucking wit. But it did not sound like it.

Maybe a bit more than slight police tape to indicate the roads???! Everyone just nearly wiped out on that turn.

4k to go.

Well if it's gonna be down to these three just PLEASE not Valv.Piti ok????

2k.

Stybar PLEASE!!!!!??

Sep is so close behind it's excruciating.

FLAMME ROUGE.

THE CLIMB.

Sep is so close!

ATTACK VAN AV!

STYBAR BEHIND

VALV PITI DISTANCED!

STYBAR ALOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

HE'S ROLLLLLING AWAYYYYYYYYYY!

WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE IT.

LOVE!!

And a standard 2nd place for Greg VanAv there. I mean for reals.

Awkward final podium place for Valv.Piti, soooooo (technically, eventually, with an asterisk in history, whatever) Sep in third!

Nathan we love you!!!

Pete you too!

Also, I'd like Fab to win again soon please. His storytelling is immense. How long til Flanders?

Can't wait for that motorbike guy to tell everyone how he turned down the WINNER'S JERSEY at 40k to go. One for the ages.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (Sprint)

Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne

Yuuuuup, bike racing is the best.

Also the best: THESE FACES. Niki is always amazing and expressive. I think it's his giant eyes and sense of mischief.

I love Niki. And Niki and Tom together.

Anyway ok, keep it together.

There was all sorts of drama and fireworks on the Oude Kwaremont, with attacks and decisive selections etc... but the minute the coverage started working it all came back together.

Annnnd now we're just riding around Belgium in a big bunch.

Hittin' the finish line for the first time, it's two go-rounds now I think?

Europcar leading the group, giving the commentators a chance to talk about Bryan Coquard and the excellently (and deliciously) named Geoffrey Soupe.

After the commercial break, it's Katusha in charge. With OPQS right behind. Which makes me stressed.

Oh come on is even worth mentioning Tyler Farrar as any kind of contender anymore?

Me too.

Jens Debusschere and jokesmaster general Hendy in the mix for Lotto? I hate when it's literally ANYONE'S race, I struggle to pick a favourite.

Ca pas vraiment payer hier pour Tommeke, comme on l'appelle.... Mais bon il a tellement gagner on peut pas vraiment dire du mal.

Oh god.

Oh god they're talking tactics at the car.

OH MY GOD THE MAN IS JUST TRYING TO HAVE A PISS! They did a slow-mo recap of Matteo Trentin weeing off the side of the bike and then noticing the camera. Can't a man have a bit of dignity!

Katusha still all over the front. MTN behind them and OPQS behind them.

10k to go.

Kiiiind of lined out? Still a big group up front but a lot of people hanging on for dear life at the back.

Sky trying to take some control.

PhilGil in Sky's wheel.

PHILGIL AWAY!

The audio commentary quite evidently now does NOT match the video feed. When everyone was rolling along in the bunch it wasn't noticeable but they forecast that attack from Phil by like 25 seconds before you actually saw it.

I would love if Phil won. But he's only got like 10 seconds. And he did that crazy solo chase only yesterday.

Under the flamme rouge for Phil with only 5 seconds!

APPARENTLY. This delayed video is HORRIFIC and confusing and stress-making.

AHHHHH I CAN HEAR BUT NOT SEE!

I THINK CAV WON!

We'll have to wait about 30 seconds to figure out what the hell went on.

EVERYONE IS ALL OVER THE ROAD

Oh my god it's mayhem.

OH HE WAS WELL AHEAD. That was fantastic thank god.

Whew Cokey Tom nearly got knocked out there! He goes to make a move and someone practically body checks him!

Viviani third!

Oh il est LOIN d'être mort hein, le sprinteur britannique!

Oh yeah, the donkey. Nice one.