Tour de Bromance.

Stage 12: Cugnaux - Luz-Ardiden:

I love Lil Tom’s childlike delight on the podium.

"Unless he can repeat his heroics of 2004, he’ll be out of it by the end of the day."  Uh, he is a professional Hero, watch how he does this.

I love Klodi. I can’t tell if Gary Imlach is knocking him, but if so, there will be blood.

"Rojas will never get out ahead of the Manx Missile, not when he’s started the dance."

Good jesus, that crash of Gee’s was nearly absolutely awful.

"He was back at BOTH sides of the doctor’s car." Oh Klodi!!

I love that Lil Tom is such an ‘excellent bike handler’ that his way of averting a crash was to drive straight into the side of a car.

"Geraint Thomas is not comfortable AT ALL on this descent.” Well no you wouldn’t be! It’s like plummeting into a foggy precipice!

Really, has TheShack had the worst luck ever??

Oh for the love of Christ Klodi 'just got back in time to be dropped again at the base of this climb.’ This is becoming unbearable.

Nica Roche in 10^th position!! 

Andy Schleck like floats above his bike. He’s just dancin’ around up there, glancing to see who’s around while everyone's crying.

Sammy Sanchez is pretty excellent.

Awww, Nica’s going off the back. And apparently papa Steve ‘will be shouting at him somewhere’ along the route.

“I really wouldn’t worry about Thomas Voeckler, he’s handling himself rather well.” Well we only had to sit through six years of derogatory coverage of Lil Tom to get here.

A 'little dummy move' by Andy, before FRANKIE gets in there.

Frank IS the secret weapon!!!

And AGAIN Frankie!

They’re all just looking at each other loads.

Good god, FRANKIE!!

Don’t look back! Get the gap!!

Look at Frankie riding away!!

I can't BELIEVE how Frankie’s riding! He’s SO GOOD.

Sammy nearly threw himself off the bike with excitement! That was fabulous. That was one of my fave’s ever. Take that, Pistolero!

“Losing seconds on his own playground.”  And I say again, Take That, Pistolero!

Aww Thomas and Pierre Rolland! Cuteness.  Certainly up there for Biggest Bromance Award.

Oh for the love of god, 8 minutes down for Klodi.

Oh Johnny! Lovely man! "The Tour de France has been a dream of mine for like 10 years, so why would I cry? I’m still here.” YES YOU ARE.

“I’d like to win the Tour, but if my brother wins the Tour I’d be as happy as if I won the Tour.”  Hello, podium 1-2.

Thomas is TOO CUTE! Every time they speak to him it's DARLING.

Stage 14: Saint-Gaudens -Plateau de Beille:

"As always when it gets into these climbs, Bernie Eisel is there to nurture him through these difficult times."

Bernie just threw water on Cav. To keep his MIND in this race, apparently.

Paul was telling a cautionary tale about taking water from spectators but conceded "probably Thomas Voeckler knew that guy…” He knows everyone in France. He is their King.

It is crazed about the state of cycling that HTC is still looking for a sponsor. They WIN EVERYTHING.

And then there were three. And one was David Millar.

RE The Schlecks: "The won’t fight each other, but they’ll fight anybody else."

David Millar ALWAYS looks at the camera as it goes by and it’s ALWAYS sad.

"Fabian Cancellara, he’s too big for the mountains, but he’ still up there."

Awww Nica’s being dropped.

Of course Jerome Pineau was in the breakaway with bestie Sylvain. DON'T LEAVE ME SYLVAIN.

Fucking hell, Laurens Ten Dam is bleeding from the face.

"He didn’t look quite so imperial as his brother did on Luz Ardiden, but today may be his day."

Jens is down! Phil and Paul are philosophical: "Thank god that was only a gentle stroll through the bushes and not over the side of a mountain."

Apparently he conveyed "All fine, just need maybe some bike parts."

George is up there with the winners. Cuz he’s the biggest winner of all.

Jens is down AGAIN. Not so jovial this time. This time it’s ‘fuck you’ and ‘casse toi’ to the cameraman.

Phil and Paul are outdoing themselves here with Jens' crash: "He’s made of sterner stuff than that. He’s not gonna let two crashes keep him down", "He cant blame anyone else but his own enthusiasm", and "Once again, Jens Voigt, the biggest head, the biggest heart, the biggest pair of lungs, the biggest man in this race."

There is frenzy with the leaders: "Every man just chasing wheels, going with anything." Someone could jump on the route with a kid's bike and they would chase it down.

The Leopards are so pretty out in their train.

Andy and Frankie just seem to dance around the group. Riding up and down just looking at everyone. Maybe I'm being stupid, but if they've got the ability to do that, why aren't they riding AWAY?

Aaaaaand, SCHLECK ATTACK.

And AGAIN.

Andy went around that corner like he was going on the flat!

"But where is Alberto Contador now…?" HA!

I love it, AGAIN from Andy!

And followed again by Lil Tom!

"There’s a Schleck at the front." Hilarious. Standard.

I think Frank and Andy were talking on the radio and strategizing in Luxembourgish from opposite ends of the bunch.

"He never shows pain, Andy Schleck, and it doesn’t look like he’s going through any!"

Go Jelle Vanendert! Way to make a statement for Omega Pharma that isn't a punctured lung!

A final wee fuck you from Andy there at the end. Awesome. 

Awww PhilGil came in smiling SO happily for little Jelle! Certainly in the running for the Tour de Bromance.

Then they were caught in a little embrace behind the podium. There's some serious competition in this category.

Frankie just had a little dig there. “My brother and Basso and myself were trying to race, but no one was interested.”

The Badger and Lil Tom are havin' quite a laugh on the podium.

Stage 15:  Limoux -Montpellier:

Sometimes when Gary Imlach isn't being annoying, he's rather funny. Talking of starters and non-starters today: "Laurens Ten Dam has started. So has Jens Voigt, but then short of enforced hospitalization, Jens ALWAYS starts."

Hmm, who to root for in the breakaway, Tony of the Square and of the Saur, youngest rider, or Niki Terpstra, who just has a pretty fun name

"Bernie Eisel—the brains of the organization." Brains AND (relative to cycling) Brawn.

Bernie's now taken out a road plan and is attempting to read it over his handlebars in gale force winds.  Intense.

But not so intense that he can't crack a little joke with Tony Martin.

Seriously, why is everyone so childlike about never wanting to do their share at the front?  Phil put it possibly the best ever today: "Well if you guys don’t want to help, forget it, we’ll get on with it, and we’ll STILL beat you at the finish." BURN.

Oh my god, amazing. Apparently riders used to ride off the front, get a few minutes ahead, then, once out of view, hide in the bushes til the pelaton went past.  Then they'd rejoing at the back and watch the group chase nothing! If this is the kind of japery we can be guaranteed without race radios then I'm all for it.

Bernie really does look like a master tactician. He’s making a series of military signals all over the road, listening into his earpiece intensely... Probably planning to send Tejay and Peter Velits off the front to hide in the bushes.

Classic. About Lil Tom: "He’s become an absolute hero yet again."

Bernie’s chatting to a Europcar guy.  ‘Dunno’, he seems to be saying.

The Schlecks look like they’re sulking. Maybe they can hear Phil and Paul’s unnecessarily harsh commentary of them in their earpieces.

We get it Paul, you love FDJ.

I like how HTC refer to everyone as ‘gentleman’. Bob Stapleton was just in commentary saying ‘thank you gentlemen’, and of course you get Rolf Aldag and Brian Holm going ‘good job, gentlemen’, ‘here we go, gentlemen’ all through Chasing Legends.

They are literally, physically shoving each other around in the HTC train.  GET IN LINE.  IF YOU LET ANYONE THAT'S NOT ON HTC INTO YOUR SLIPSTREAM I WILL CUT YOU.

Ballsy move by PhilGil! 

Peter Velits did not appreciate that FDJ guy flying towards him from the breakaway into the front of the train.  He was like SHIT OFF.

AMAZING, it’s like there’s no one else in the race! 19 Stage Wins for the Missile from the Isle of Man.

Cav’s just standing there waiting for each HTC guy to come in.  Cuteness!

Meanwhile, Lil Tom's still in yellow and "he is STILL the toast of France."

Paul takes a moment out of his love for FDJ to spread the love for Lil Tom: "I love a fighter, and there is no finer example of a fighter than Tommy Voeckler."

Cav can't let one interview go by without a little dig, I love it: “The other teams don’t wanna ride, I guess they don’t have confidence in their sprinters.”

Awww Lil Tom just reached for his teammate at the line. I hope it was new boyfriend Pierre Rolland.

That was a bit hilarious, talking about Cav’s aerodynamics in comparison to Daniel Oss behind him. It was like a fucking horse coming up on him.  Plus his hair must get caught in the wind and cause drag.

Into the second rest day, and Lil Tom still gets to wear yellow to sleep.

Chapeau, Monsieur Panache.

Stage 7: Le Mans - Châteauroux:

Oh my god, Sky have Nigel Tufnell as DS in the form of Sean Yates.  Swifty was back at the car getting the day’s briefing, in a way.  “Ah the finnnij versa bangawn tayolwin” Swifty was baffled: “Bang on tailwind??”  Mate, I may be from Yorkshire but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

These crashes are absolutely preposterous. It’s going to be like the old days when 100 guys started and the one man alive at the end was the winner.

Prentice Steffen also as some very interesting and extremely relevant points to make here.

I’m actually quite shocked at the condition some of these guys were allowed to ride on in.

You’d almost want to go in a breakaway every day just to get away from all the nervous, dangerous pelaton.

Oh dear, Phil and Paul really have lost it now. HTC has one mission, and that is "to deliver Mark Cavendish to the missile base!"  What, I cannot fathom, will be the bike riding equivalent of the Cuban Missile Crisis?

HTC are so epic.  Like poetry in motion. Like Dave Z in a time trial.

Romain Feilleiu DOES seem to cause havoc as Cav suggests.

Aaaaand it's number 17 for the Missile from the Isle of Man, where it all began.

Stage 8: Aigurande - Super-Besse Sancy :

Tejay in the break!!

And Addy’s out there too! Addy hung with Cokey Tom during the lonely chase back to the finish after his hideous, concussion-inducing crash. And for this of course we love him.

Just a bit of weeing down the side there.  Where’s PhilGil to regulate Pee Time and get this race to stop?

George is grabbing everyone’s rain gear to take back to the car. What a gracious host.

Phil and Paul love George. And hilarious imagery. "He will do whatever he can to lead this dance, he’s a very good chief of the orchestra."

Is Thor riding on a motorbike while everyone else races? He’s just like laughing and chatting all the time.

“There's the green jersey of Thomas Voeckler-- he’ll be looking for the move.” That is so his vibe.

Oh my god, the poor cows. ‘Red’, white, and ‘blue’ painted. Turned out more purple, white, and pink.  They do not look impressed.

Bit of British pride for David Millar there: "He could pull back 7 seconds on Cadel Evans as easy as you like."

What an epic day for Tejay, I thought he might have it there in the end.

Other:

Oh what, this? Now where have I seen that before? Only me, little french hero Thomas Voeckler.  And yes, the (often drunk) french commentators do call me Monsieur Panache.

Well, who's still able to put there feet on pedals out there?  A handful of concussions here, a baker's dozen of broken collar bones there, Henri Desgrange is finally getting his wish that one man will arrive in Paris alive, and that man will be crowned the winner. 

And with all the other danger and hideousness out there, riders probably shouldn't have to worry about being sicked on.

Meanwhile, Andy Schleck doesn't appear to suffer. Ever.

Also meanwhile, Johnny Hoogerland, hero of the race (and possibly the world) suffers simply far too much.  Let's just recap there: After a car swerved towards him, he was THROWN from his bike INTO A BARBED WIRE FENCE.  I mean come on, that is just too much.  When the car hits Flecha directly and he hits the floor, that's quite bad enough, and then a human body goes sailing through the air in the background, only to become entangled in a BARBED WIRE FENCE.  What if it had been electric?

Johnny Hoogerland, we salute you.

Millar Time.

Stage 2: Les Essarts- Les Essarts

Why don’t we talk about Klodi possibly being in yellow? Why are we just always endlessly talking about Sky and G Thomas and the endless potential that Sky NEVER FULFILL?

I’m not sure of the validity of a team time trial, but they sure used to be a thing of beauty in the Postal/Disco Days.

“Sky and HTC have this rivalry… Mark Cavendish loves to beat them…”  As if I didn't like Cav enough.  But honestly, how annoying would it be to be on HTC and WIN EVERYTHING and just have people CONSTANTLY talk about another team who WINS NOTHING as like your equal.

If HTC lapped Sky out on course that would be so epic.

YEAH ‘watch out for a surprise from AG2R’!  GET IN THERE NICA ROCHE.

In terrible foreshadowing of Bernie's crash-tastic taking of that corner, Paul explains that TT bikes are "designed to go fast in a straight line”. Don't deviate from the formula!

“Look at the STYLE there of that man, he’s just gonna jump in front of his teammate and give him a break.”  They are all about Lil Tom this year!  The praise is so effusive!

 FUCK YOU SKY.  Garmin OWNED you.

Oh Bernie!!!

They're gonna make me cry with this commentary! “A very, very popular member of the squad. He will be very embarrassed by that, sitting on the floor.”  Not that I would want anyone to fall, but certainly never Bernie!

"Fabian Cancellara is worth THREE men." Honestly, sometimes I wonder if they don't actually love some of these riders.

Oh come on, they won't let it go! "This will forever be known as ‘Eisel Corner’."

"You’ve got big power in there, you’ve got George Hincapie."

I am lovin' Lay-oh-pard Trek very much.  I almost wish there were more Schlecks, just cuz it amuses me so much with two of them: "117 Schleck, that’s Frank; 111 Schleck, that’s Andy."

If Bernie gets eliminated cuz of the time cut, I’ll stop watching.

I won't, but it will be really stupid. Like when Robbie Hunter got eliminated before the Champs.  

Well, amazing bit of work from BMC, but what do you expect from a squad captained (lieutenant-ed?) by Big George Hincapie.

TheShack were certainly excellent as well, though I would've preferred if they could've beaten Sky. But I would've preferred if everyone could've beaten Sky, really.

And considering the Schlecks mostly move backwards in a Time Trial, I am serrrrrriously impressed with the Leopards. Obviously Spartacus is worth three men, but they kicked some serious ass, even with nature clearly against them.

I suppose if anyone had to beat the Leopards, I'm ok that it's Garmin.  Cuz they guarantee podium japes.  Also, Dave Z always offers up an amused, wry smile, the expression of which he is king.

Plus, hello, could I actually love David Millar more?

Until tomorrow, we'll await Cav's clandestine photo of Bernie's wounded bum.

Vendee La Chemise

And so it begins...

Tour de France 2011

Stage 1: Passage du Gois La Barre-de-Monts - Mont des Alouettes Les Herbiers

Some pre race interviews and David Millar, naturally, tells it like it is: [Re: Contador and his meats] “It’s not his fault, it’s the sport’s fault, it’s the authorites’ fault... They should get their act together.”

Oh yay.  Matt Rendle, Chris Boardman, and Ned Boulting taking us through the first 60km.  Try not to kill the sport.

“It was up to Alberto to prove he had eaten some contaminated beef. Obviously he proved it to the satisfaction of the Spanish Cycling Federation.” Yeah, by going, “I ate some bad meat” -- CASE CLOSED.

Our first mention of Lil Tom, “largely credited for saving the team.” He is an actual French hero. 

“FDJ was outclassed last year by BBox.”  And pretty much every year. Cuz they manage not to be taken down by dogs and take stage wins from Axel Merckx. I'm looking at you, Sandy.

Some of the riders seem a bit unfamiliar with the cameras among them. "What up, I’m John Gadret. ... Oh you’re still there. ... Did you need something?"  Then he just looked a bit confused and went ‘Ca va?’  The cameraman seemed satisfied and left him alone.

Aww, Cav crying on the podium still chokes me up!

Is Thor super popular in the pelaton? He’s always chatting with someone. He is the Queen Bee of the pelaton.

“He’s suggested he might make the podium, and he’s bitten people’s heads off when they suggested he might make the podium.  But that’s Brad.”  Yeah. What a guy.

He doesn’t come across well, Bradley.  Like, he's not doing himself any favors there by opening his mouth.

Ha, David Millar has been making some typically amazing statements about Brad being a dick etc, and now he's having to reign it in (also rather dramatically): “I’ve gone too far now.” Apparently they've mended their bridges, but I think we know whose side EVERYONE would be on if there were an actual fistfight.

Jeremy Roy has a note he’s prepared for this occasion! Something about 'bonheur', can't really read it. That's cute.

That was a wee bit hilarious. No pun intended. PhilGil peeled off the side, then people just started dropping.  PhilGil says it’s Wee Time!

Eww. Cav should not go to Sky. I mean I know they’ll give him a million billion dollars, but WTF? It makes no sense. Plus everyone knows HTC is where it's at.

Frankie!  Our first glimpse.  The Leopards are bunching off to the right.

The warning system is going a bit nuts here in traffic furniture country. Hand down to the right. To the left. Ooh right again. THERE'S SHIT EVERYWHERE.

A crash! Oh my god, it was a bit heavy.

Jurgen Van De Walle it was.  Seems to be ok. Everyone’s working their way back up.

I don’t know what’s going on in that Skoda commercial.  Someone’s had a go at Cokey Tom’s secret stash before making that.

Is Chris Boardman the dullest man alive?

There seem to be so many 'two-pronged attacks' in this year’s Tour.  I think some Directeur Sportifs need to have a think about what happens when you 'let the road decide'.

Phil is describing Cav’s poker face and semi-shiftiness rather hilariously.  “During the team meeting, he didn’t even appear to be listening to the briefing ...but of course he was.”

It is weird how American cycling as come on so much in kinda a short amount of time.  There are four American teams in the race now. AMERICA RULES.

“The strong man from AUSTRIA.”  Sometimes the way they describe certain riders makes them sound so much more masculine.  And of course that's true when you're discussing ladies man man's man man about town Bernie Eisel.

“Quemeneur has never won a bike race but he’s French and that does make a difference.”

Sylvain’s chatting with someone from AG2R.  Might it be honorary Frenchman Nica Roche?

“That’s uh, that’s a lot of doves down there.” They are really struggling.  The camerawork is a bit too chateau-happy for my liking. I love a chateau but do we need a double 360 on EVERY chateau in the Vendee?

They’ve now taken to calling Lil Tom ‘Little Tommy Voeckler”.  Can you call a Frenchman 'Tommy'? 

I suppose if the French champs jersey had to go to anyone besides Lil Tom, I’m pleased it’s little Sylvain.

Lil Tom DOES ‘have the explosion to get up this course.’

“Good tactics!” I never thought I’d hear them praise Lil Tom! They’re always having a go at his love of breakaways.

Getting into Jurgen Van de Walle’s ‘own psychological balloon’ sounds a bit disturbing.  Though he's done a pretty stellar job of work today.

Paul always sounds like he’s selling HD! He just drops it in randomly all the time.  Take notes Paul, look how George works it.

Oh my god can they please ALWAYS call PhilGil “The Man in Black”!!

Another crash! A guy from Europcar just weirdly pitched into a ditch.

Oh and little Linus has gone with him.

“I didn’t recognize that guy from Europcar”, like he’s some random who stole a cycling kit and is just goin' round the pelaton like an imposter.  You know how we deal with that kind of problem.

Oh David Arroyo! Is he the one that went really intensely over that ravine a few years ago and mountaineered back up?  He’s down again this year.

Jens is making someone from TheShack giggle.

Cadel has an odd position on the bike that just looks labored.

Dave Z is all over this race! Leaving Tofurkey Jerky in his wake.

Is this seriously setting the record for most crashes in a single stage?

I like when they shake hands when they’re caught. It's gentlemanly. 

Oh no! Now that they’ve dangled the possibility of Lil Tom winning I’m gonna be so disappointed if he doesn’t!

GOOD JESUS. Another crash!  HUGE.

George! First glimpse.

"It would appear that only one man has been caught out" by the crash-tastic split: Bertie.

George, with Bernie behind. Excellent camerawork.

ANOTHER CRASH.

A Team (Dino)Saur guy had some fancy footwork there. Dancing over the ditch. Way to stay upright, guy!

Fab is always up there! He can’t help himself!

THAT was insane. What a finish!

Cadel in second?!  NUTS.  He nearly had The Man in Black there at the end.

Frankie was right up there too! 

I don't always have nice things to say about ITV's coverage of bike racing, but I have to admit they do a fantastic job of wrap-up montages set to lovely music.  

Pierrig Quemeneur got Most Aggressive Rider. He has previously been seen on the podium with piglets and I therefore am a fan.  Take that Pierrick! 

Team Lay-oh-pard sound like they have a fun time.  Also, over dinner they discuss whether the moon landing was real.  

Rooming with Tejay Van Garderen and Danny Pate sounds rather hilarious as well, if their #growup #noonecares exchange on twitter is anything to go by.

The George Cozza Fab Wagon is rollin' into town...

And it speaks pretty dodgy English.


Ohmygod it's almost here.  First of all, everyone should join the Halfords/Garmin Fantasy Tour de France game.  I don't get fantasy sport, but as we while away the days before the bestest bike race eva, you've got to find something to fill the time.

And here is the winning team:

Frankie (seen here in full ninja regalia); Baby Bro; Nica Roche; French Hero Lil Thomas Voeckler; that other French hero Sylvain Chavanel; his bestie Jerome; Jani; Cav; and ladies man man's man man about town Bernie Eisel.

My team's sooo gonna win, cuz they've got human engineering on their side.


UPDATE: Oh who am I kidding. Sorry Jerome, but I simply can't field a team without my main man.

Lance Armstrong is an alpha male. And other really shocking news.

First off, Steve's back! Anyone who gets his Race for Kids updates (or who has perhaps read in graphic detail of Greg LeMond's gastric problems in the 1986 Tour) will be pleased to hear this grisley affair is (hopefully) over and done with.  Go PHS class of 2003!

Yesssssss.

I don't really love Bradley Wiggins' Dauphine win. Cuz now we'll have to hear him endlessly managing expectations for the next three weeks (though Robert Millar talking up his chances and shitting all over that idea has been rather amusing) and then being just sort of a douchebag all the way through the Tour whether he finishes on the podium or in the Broomwagon. Though I suppose some congrats are in order for Team Sky for improving like 300% on last year's results.

Certainly up there for Weirdest Podium Ever.  Is Cadel Evans Wiggo's date? Is he doing Blue Steel? Has Vino had his jaw wired shut? And should he even be allowed near a podium? And why can Bradley Wiggins never manage to look even moderately pleased AT ANYTHING?

I'm puttin in out there: Get ready for more of this man in yellow come July.  And of course most definitely, Baby Bro.

I do not like birds, buuuuuuut if he rode the stage with that thing on his shoulder, I could so get on board with that.

Speaking of weird photos, I like photos of the Schleck brothers more than most, but why does Frankie look like he drank from the wrong grail? 

Looking on the bright side:

Nica Roche offers some rather amusing perspective on a recent conversation with Dan Martin.  I love him as much as he loves exclamation points.

Cyling is always there to remind us to be thankful that we still have our jaws.  Ted King always knows just what to say. 

As for the latest in Man Vs. Chimera, I like how the whole tone of this article is essentially "IF this happened, that would have a whole lotta legal ramifications."  Yeah, if he killed a man, that would cause some problems with the law too.

I love Jens Voigt.

Ted King needs Magneto.

Is it strange that the Dauphine and the Tour are doing the exact same stage?  Why does Grenoble love a Time Trail so much?  I suppose the Dauphine's doesn't follow a Telegraphe-Galibier-Alpe D'huez triple though, so today just might seem like a walk in the park (or a ride in the park, on a Boris Bike).  Also in a change to normal proceedings, Tony Martin has beat the time of Dave Zabriskie. Today's stage is like a weird alternate universe.

Talking of the Tour, get ready for more of this man off the front of the pelaton come July. 

And let's not forget AG2R.  They're prepping in weird ways. Though certainly no weirder than the Schleck tactic of prepping by not winning..  Anyway, I hope those new ice suits are poo brown.

Poor Ted King, fresh of his Third Place at the US Pros, has taken a tumble and is in a glass case of emotion.  Hopefully his collarbone will be armor-plated as soon as possible and he'll be back racing, allowing Phil to shout with over-enthusiasm "HE RIDES WITH A METAL PLATE IN HIS COLLARBONE!"

Surprise and more surprises.

Boom Goes the Dynamite.

First off, this has got the be the best example of Animals in Cycling Situations.

And in old(er) news, not that I have anything against Matt Busche, but this literally would've been the best podium in the history of recorded time if George was first and everyone else moved up one spot. In fact all races should probably end in that configuration. 

AndyKloedi got pretty excited in a rather low key way for the Tour DeLux.  Overall, he has got to be tied with Fab Cancellara for most incomprehensibly foreign twitter updates.

As for the podiums, well... Yes, basically. Fab looks like a gay superhero and Stuey's lovin it. Frankie looks like he's had one too many. Certainly up there with the pig, the trident, and Team America for Best Podium Ever.

Meanwhile, um, is Linus Gerdemann tweaking his own nipples?

Elsewhere, in another incident of Inappropriate Touching in Cycling Situations, Cokey Tom does not seem that bothered by this handsy lady.

Tour de France pre-game has officially started and Boom goes the dynamite.

And considering he's such a massive winner, Davide Appollonio offers up a rather good theory.

Round the World Roundup

First off, do we still consider the following events 'news'?

1) What's that you say? I've won another US Champs Time Trial?  The only reason he didn't win last year is cuz he didn't compete.  That's the way Dave Z does it.

2) Other constant-winner and father of a hilarious podium baby PhilGil gets another bouteille for his efforts.  That face says 'Thanks. I didn't have any of these.'

Despite the near-inevitability of both wins (and all future wins, in all disciplines), I can only say this. 


Elsewhere, in an undisclosed location somewhere in the Alps, Leopards are doing recon.  Bring on the TDF!


Meanwhile, in Italia:

Thank god the Giro's over.  Russ Downing took on his first grand tour and the grand tour almost won.  Also, I've just been on wikipedia, and his nickname is Fonzy?? We're gonna need to talk about that at some point.

Not sure how I feel about this, (shouldn't he be banned??) but does the image remind anyone else of the end of Mario 64?

While the situation is a sticky one, should we really be taking out our issues in this manner? It's just so passive aggressive.

Oh David Millar, you hipster you.  He SO nearly calls on someone to man up at the end! It's like his default setting.   


The US is splitting it's time between the rather excellent US Championships and the rather tedious and certainly sort of shiftly-looking business about drugs.  Seriously, I’m not subscribing to the Armstrong tactic of Discredit your Enemies, but does Tyler Hamilton look a wee bit mental there? Like, seriously?

In Flandis, Take 2, we've not got the good stuff about really specialist olive oil or the hilarious embarrassment of this episode, but Tyler Hamilton did once suggest he was a chimera. I'm not quite sure how to come back from that.

So far we've not had David Millar call on anyone to man up, but we'll wait for some quotables to match last time's "I would advise him to look for help. When I’m talking about professional help, I’m not talking about lawyers. I’m talking about other help."

This is too amazing not to share.  I guess maybe the answer to his first question is uhh, people who like cycling?  I could equally dismiss a doping scandal in football as 'one guy who took drugs so he could run faster down a fake field in plastic shoulders."  But besides being no fan of cycling, he is also clearly no fan of the government.  That's amazing and comes out of fucking nowhere.


And to end on a positive note, please enjoy Ted King's childish delight at the end of this clip.

Slow news day.

Of course this guy is a BMC fan.

Nice to know that Lay-oh-pard keep it real and fly coach. And also that Fab is a 'good seat neighbor'.

The Giro is lovely.

Which one is d'Artagnan?

I wasn’t lying about yesterday's sumo wrestlers.

Um hello japes: Charly Wegelius took a giant foam finger from a spectator, dropped to the back of the pelaton, and signaled for service with it.  AMAZE.

Crowd noise: “Keep going strong, keep going strong, I love breakaways, keep going, come on!”

Uh I hope Charly was just having a bit of fun with Johan Van Summeren there.  Otherwise, is he drunk on today’s stage?  I hope they’re friends, cuz I’m not sure if Charly’s gestures translate in a very pleasant way.

Oh Johan’s giggling. I can’t imagine it was a serious problem then.

Brian Holm is preeeetty awesome.  He answered a lot of stupid questions very politely, then Ned said they had to go and he was like “Oookaay, ciao ciao.”  I like when they go in the team car, you get Phil shouting “eyes on the road!” or this delight.

Team TheShack is so dominant.  Though I suppose that’s to be expected from a team founded by Lance Armstrong. 

Ooh the breakaway group is starting to attack each other.

Geography with Phil and Paul is slightly mental. “Keep the sea on the right, you can’t go wrong!”

They are just shooting all over the road with these attacks.

“The messing around by this breakaway” has meant that Lay-oh-pard and Rabobank chasers have caught them.

Caught them and passed them.

Ooh an anonymous Leopard has just given Linus Gerdemann his bike. 

Fuglsang it was.  Some of the Leopards really resemble each other: Andy, Linus, and even Jakob all sort of have a weird similarity on the bike. Further supporting my theory that the Schlecks only hire people that look like them.

God the pelaton is right on top of them.

Aww they’ve been caught and the Rabobank and Lay-oh-pard chasers shook hands. 

Tejay’s pretty badass, he’s just right up in there when it kicks up.

“Bernie Eisel, the mastermind."

Very shovey at the moment. Hey Sagan, that’s not how we do it in America.  Actually it totally is.

Oh HTC has dropped off the front. That’s disappointing.

THAT WAS AWESOME!

HTC had dropped off and then OUT OF NOWHERE there was Leigh Howard and Matt Goss and they just POWERED UP and took the win!  HELL YEAH MATT GOSS.

Sagan is incredibly impressive though; he just pushes right up on pure strength and nearly got it today.

“And HTC, they ride like they always do; they ride like a bunch of musketeers.”

Two bald men on Mt Baldy. There's gotta be a joke there.

A bit more on yesterday’s excellence before we move on to Stage 6:

Maybe not the best podium ever (I mean the pig, the trident, and this completely not photoshopped nonsense are all hard to beat) but certainly fantastic stuff.  Go Team America!

Also, let's please revisit adorable Waylon Zabriskie’s previous time on the podium, just for fun.

And just a quick note on that other nonsense. Why is everyone always trying to shit all over the Tour of California? Flandis was the bearer of weird news at exactly this time last year, and right on schedule, here comes Tyler Hamilton.  "I just love bikes so much, I absolutely have to tarnish the sport the only time people in America are paying attention."

And as for the leaked and/or made up grand jury business, all I can say is this:  As Daily Peloton suggests, the only thing George Hincapie ever tested positive for is massive charm.

Moving on.

Today we’re atop Mount Baldy. Which is not a derisive nickname for Levi, Chris Horner, Stuey, or Fake Stuey.

Well Ned Boulting and Matt Rendell are engaging in the completely pointless game of ‘how is Hamilton different to Hincapie?’, but they have at least drawn attention to the fact that this stuff about George is essentially total hearsay and we should probably just hold the phone a second on all the witch burning.

Ooops, I spoke too soon; they’ve brought on Frankie Andreau to say that Hamilton coming out 'lends weight and credibility' to Flandis’ stupidity of yesteryear.  Interesting take. I’m more inclined to agree with the headline I saw this morning: ‘Do two liars make a truth?’

To the race.

Heading into Mt Baldy there is “steep, endless, broken road.” Something to look forward to.

George in a breakaway, that’s what I like to see. 

Ted King meanwhile, is coming unhitched.  About to be picked up by the turkey vultures.

Amazing! On an earlier descent the bikes caught up with the cars cuz they were going faster than the cars could!

Everyone’s dumping water on themselves then calling to the teamcar. It’s about 80 F with no breeze.

“Everywhere Horner looks, there’s a potential threat. And a dark horse, and a wildcard.” Quite the colorful landscape out there.

Cam Wurf was just a bit hysterical. I think he was looking round for the team car, but it looked like he suddenly came out of a daydream and was like ‘what, WHAT? Where AM I?’

Yeah yeah, it’s higher and longer than Alpe D’Huez, but is Frank Schleck at the top of it?

That was deeply frightening. There was like ‘rider vision’ on that descent and it was so fast and insane I felt a bit sick.

Andrew Talansky is not pleased.  He just shouted very aggressively at the motorbike cam up ahead “COME ON!”

Uh, Ned Boulting and Matt Rendell are calling them Team Leopard. As in the animal. Did you get that memo? That breaks ALL THE RULES. And I can tell you weren’t using all caps.

Cruelty! The buses can’t go all the way up the mountain cuz there’s no space, so there they are parked on the side of the road.  At the end of the day, the riders have to do the descent to get back to the team bus.

Grischa is quite an interesting name.  (Grischa Niermann of Rabobank is going past) 

Brutal pacing by TheShack going on.

Stay strong George!! 

Oooh the catch.  Shite.

There’s like 3 riders left in the pelaton.  The rest have just been left to die at the base of the mountain.

Overheard crowd noise: “Hell yeah dude!” This race is so American.

Hey Tejay! He’s in the elite group!

Ummm "Rocking and rolling there as the Pope has come down to bless the race the afternoon.  And quite a good athlete he is too."

Other costumes seen up here on Baldy. Two sumo wrestlers, DEATH, a giant parrot, and Nixon in purple underwear.  Am I on something?

Tejay’s coming unhitched.  

 And Andy! I too, Phil, 'can’t believe this is going to happen'. More psychological warfare?

Ooh Andy’s back on.  Tejay not so much.

Matty Busche’s certainly impressive. But what do you expect from a guy talent spotted by TheShack after one season.

God Andy’s off again!  Now he’s being passed by Tejay and some other people.  This is a weird thing to see, I’ll be honest.  I don’t like it.

I’m being serious, I always suspected the reason George never became like a superstar was because, as a rather tall man, he was carrying allll that extra body up the road. And anyway all I’m saying is that Levi and Chris Horner are riding away on their own, and it’s no coincidence that they both moonlight on Little People, Big World.

Andy is NOWHERE.

The Shack Elves have left everyone waaaay behind.

Phil, they are not ‘head and shoulders’ above anybody today.  Don’t draw attention to it!

They really are very petite.

If Chris Horner did want to start a Lance/Bertie feud, he could go for the win today after Levi did all that work…

Aww damn, it was a little sweet when they crossed holding hands.

Of course we’ve immediately gone to the TOTAL SADNESS of Andy way down the road, being passed by everyone and their mum.  Good god.

Ha, Matt Rendell’s ever more quotable: “We should be fearing him [Andy] in July precisely because he’s doing so badly now.”

Uhhh why is Levi getting a giant check for 5000 dollars? 

We don’t do French bashing here, but looking at the GC is slightly amazing.  All top 5 positions are held by Americans. You don't get that for the French at the Tour de France.

The Race of Truth

 Stage 5:

Oh dear, as if the coverage couldn’t get any worse, we’ve now got Ned Boulting and Matt Rendell endlessly in-joking with Chris Boardman. Help.

So…

Today’s Time Trial is NOT being held in Soledad as I initially misremembered.  I did think the guard towers would’ve added a weird element.  But anyway, Solvang is where we are today.  I think they should’ve had it in Salinas, cuz then Phil and Paul could’ve told us fun facts about John Steinbeck all day.  And anyway there’s already this very helpful map, specially made for geeks. Get ready, AToC 2012.

I love a Time Trial.  Maybe because Dave Z is really good at them, and I love Dave Z.

Uhh is Team Sky gonna win EVERYTHING?? (Ian Stannard is currently leading)  I suppose since they didn’t win EVER in their first year, and in the meanwhile they bought up a load of good riders, they have something coming to them.

Zirbel is having some sort of attack. He just yelled 'FUCK' and then 'JESUS CHRIST'. But he's still riding... It seems like he's having a fit.  Phil and Paul seem to think it’s a problem with his handlebars, which I'm not buyin'.  Paris-Roubaix 2006 tells us: you know it when you’ve lost your handlebars.

Oh shit, his saddle’s gone wrong. He’s just standing by the side of the road as they fix it. Man I’d be yelling over that too. That’s just blown everything.

They're saying mechanicals are rare but I can think of two awful times in recent memory. I enjoy how David Millar is typically quotable about his mishap: "It wasn't a problem with my chain ring; it was a problem with my team." MAN UP.

Yeah Jakob!  Fast timesplit being reported. That translated to second place at the finish (currently).

George is on the start ramp. He's getting MASSIVE cheers and sporting a five o’clock shadow.

Aww they’re drawing attention to the fact the Swiss Time Trial Champion won in a year that Fab didn’t compete, and thus ‘has something to prove’.   You just wouldn’t want to be the guy they call ‘the OTHER Swiss bike rider’.

Kenda Five Hour Energy have weird (slightly ugly) kits. Like up there with the poo brown of AG2R and Footon Servetto.

I mean you can just tell by looking at him that Dave Z is better at time trialing than everyone else.

FUCK YEAH 30.35! NO ONE is gonna be able to beat that.
 

VDV doesn’t look very aero.  He’s got like a shark fin sticking out of his back.  Seriously. What’s going on there?

Tom Danielson’s got it too.  Wtf?

I’m not sure they should be making such a big thing about Andy Schleck being the national Time Trial Champion. I mean Frankie is already Road Race Champion and there are only so many pro cyclists in Luxembourg.

Ahhh, the mysterious Garmin shark fin is ‘some sort of camelbak’ according to Paul. Assuming you don't know what a camelbak is, that makes it sound even weirder.

Yeah, 'nobody has the aerodynamics of Levi Leipheimer' cuz everyone else is REGULAR SIZED.

Oh HELL YES Tejay, second place! (for now)

I mean I know Lance was derisively calling him Pistolero on Twitter and Bertie was giving the silent treatment, but how come nobody makes any issue about Levi Leipheimer and Chris Horner racing against each other at AToC? Levi may not have left Chris stranded at the hotel on the morning of the time trial, but it's essentially the same, right?

Again, why are we freaking out about Andy’s skills on the Time Trial. I thought we sorta knew the Schlecks prefer the mountains. 

Uhh, does Matt Rendell fancy Dave Z?  “There’s something graceful about him but he’s also very masculine.” (he might’ve said 'muscular' there, but whatever he was saying he was kinda saying it like a creepster).

I know Levi lives and trains in California, but why is everyone talking about him like he’s the only American in this race and thus deserves to win everything. The way they're ignoring him, you’d think Dave Z was a foreigner.

Right, everyone's come through and the verdict is in:  Dave Z rules. FACT.