Ronde Van Vlaanderen:
IT IS HERE.
I feel like this dude at the back.
Nom nom nom.
Oh Matt! And he's in the breakaway right now. GO MATT.
Oh Tommmmmmmmm! WE MISS YOU!
Brammeier won the beer sprint after 34km in Sint-Eloois-Winkel, earning his weight in beer. That's 73 litres of Steene Molen beer. There is nothing I don't like about that statement.
It is a real stinker of a commentating team today. Possibly the worst in history: Carlton Kirby and Sean Kelly. We will try to discern something of value from this. Or put it on mute and figure it out ourselves.
I want this on my wall.
So yeah we've got this seven man break going at 6 and a half minutes. No one of note aside from Matt Brammeier.
And Jesse Sergent, who is part of the #SpartacusArmy, one of the greatest hashtags and creations of modern times.
And I guess also this guy who's clearly wandered out of a fable: Dylan Groenewegen from Roompot.
And Clement Venturini, the 19th century magician.
Sky is all over the front. Spottin' Viviani and Knees up there.
I think it was family favourite Sean de Bie just doing some ballet on his bike there. Looked like he hoisted his leg over the handle bars to the other side for some undetermined reason.
They've just described Sep as 'explosive' which is a real jinx for someone who can't stay on secure tires EVER.
Martin Elmiger on the back here in that stylish Swiss champs jersey.
All of Team Sky-- except Bernie, who's ridin' around gorgeously at the back-- is on the front here. First spot of Le Crow, and G having a massive massive snack.
Breakaway is onto the Kwaremont. WAHOOOO.
Brad took a dive there.
For fucking real. He took himself out and I wouldn't be surprised if he abandons later.
Le Crow and Viviani chattin' about it up front.
Brad has brought NOTHING to this team for so long. GOOD RIDDANCE.
This is amazing!!!! I've never been such a fan of Cadel!
P. Van Heke has launched an attack. No pressure, but... he's Belgian.
Poor Bernie, he's been given the deeply unenviable task of ushering Bernie back to the group. I hope Bernie is on a really high salary. Like, with extra combat pay.
Stopping and going here at the back.
Did Brad have another mechanical? Is this the Ronde Van Brad's Bikes?
He's back on what they insist on calling the 'comfort machine', which sounds perverse.
Ian Stannard has noticeably wide shoulders. Beast man.
Cokey Tom says with a twinkle in his eye that Niki is gonna go for a solo win.
G's noticeable white sunglasses in the bunch there. Hey G!
Preben Van Heke being reeled back in here.
Otherwise little of note. Basically Knees has been riding on the front all day.
Ooop a change here as we come back from the commercial. IAM all over the front now.
Luca having a bike change there I think. Get back Luca!
Looks like Matt Brammeier is pulling away from the breakaway group. Are there more beer-sponsored primes ahead?
Ah he's been caught. Alas.
Luca finally got back on here at the back. Whew. He didn't look too fussed but I was concerned.
Luca Paolini kinda reminds me of Tim Roth. Is that weird?
GreipelThighs has launched an attack on the Molenberg, taken about 8 guys with him.
Buuuuut they're already back together.
3'24'' for the breakaway in the meantime.
Oh my god what's happening.
Ok clearly there must be a crash in the middle of the road but all you saw was ALL OF THE PELOTON suddenly jumping off to the side onto the grass verge, bikes in hand, and RUNNING up in the gutter to get around.
An MTN is down for the count I think.
WHAT THE FUCK. A Shimano car just TOOK OUT one of the breakaways. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!!
Jesse Sergent it was. What the hell. That is so fucked up.
Awwww he's in the car now. He's holding his arm, supporting his shoulder.
Nothing to see here, Pippo is disrobing. They save these clips to calm the mob when CARS RUN OVER BIKE RIDERS.
OPQS on the front a bit here. Matteo Trentin for sure. Think Iljo is there.
GVK chasing onto the back as he had a puncture.
Luca's stopped at the back here for some reason. Maybe he was waiting for Kristoff? It wasn't clear he had any problems himself.
Bernie has taken his rightful place up front now. Just at the time that everyone is taking off their warmers and exposing their arms. Easy ladies.
Sky here, OPQS, apparently Giant though I don't see them.
Bernie just threw his bottle off to the side, likely making a small child's day.
WHAT THE ACTUAL. SOMEONE ELSE HAS BEEN HIT BY A CAR.
By neutral service AGAIN.
Only good bit of commentary there: "Well the neutral service cars, hardly neutral there."
A Lotto and a Europcar have gone away here.
I think Fab is on cuz I already don't understand Trek's tweets.
Bernie is strategising up front like the master tactician he is. Hopefully he will rip off that joke spy beard he's been wearing.
When Sky eat whatever it is they're eating from those wrappers it looks like they're holding delicate little handkerchiefs to their mouths like scandalised Southern women.
For some reason we're focussing on this third group on the road. It's unclear as to why. It's a bunch of wildcard teams just hanging off the back. WHO CARES.
Breakaway still has just over 2 minutes in hand.
Shit's going down on the Kanarienberg.
GVK has been sent up to some group cuz he's a superstar.
Styby at the back, chasing back on without issue.
Also without a tooth? What is happening.
Cokey Tom talking about the Paterberg. Apparently the first time round you can 'rely on your explosivity'. But "The second time, you're already dead." He is so excellent.
Burgy at the back, a bit too close to a neutral service car for my liking. SAVE YOURSELF BURGY.
AND NOW AN AWNING IS FALLING ON THE PELOTON.
This is just fucking farce.
Sky are pulling pulling pulling like beasts now.
Well that GVK chase group has been reeled in which is good cuz I actually never figured out where they were on the road.
Will they? Fabianese is more indistinguishable than I remember.
Ummmmm. I'm obsessed with this.
Back onto the Kwaremont for Bak and Gaudin. But the peloton is less than a minute away.
Things breaking up here.
Debuscherre trying to get away here with an OPQS.
But the peloton are right there.
I think someone just threw a confetti cannon in Gaudin's face.
But I guess that spurred him on cuz he's left Bak behind and is alone out front now.
This double-entendre-heavy commentary has got me thinking Cokey Tom's mention of a 'front unit' is something NSFW.
GreipelThighs on the attack again.
Oh no!! Matteo Tretin is down!
Ughhhh people coming unclipped and SUFFERING up the Koppenberg.
Oh it's like old school, everyone is off their bikes and mountaineering up.
Is this Le Crow leading the peloton now?? If he does a job like San Remo it's gonna be gorgeous here.
G is lingering not far behind.
We've had to switch to French commentary now. Might get better.
Well Wee Sylvain has joined GreipelThighs so they have lots to talk about.
Well let's hope there are no mechanicals for Trek now.
William Bonnet just manfully leading Arnaud Demare off the road and giving him his bike.
Me-ow.
And as forecast, Greipel and Chava caught.
NIKI!!!!! IS THIS THE ONE THEY CALL BOONENBERG?!?!!!!?
We're on the Taaianberg btw.
BAUER, THOMAS, TERPSTRA. KILL ME.
GregVanAv launched one. Followed by Le Crow at least.
Le Crow trying to convey something in French I think.
Seems to have worked.
Styby up there now.
They're saying Niki is 'piege', which I hate. IS HE?!!
Is it a mechanical or what?!
G IS ON THE MOVE BACK THERE.
KILL IT LE CROW. KILL IT.
That weird trio that was hanging off the front with Greg VanAv has been caught.
This Lampre keeps trying to get off the front. YOU CAN'T GET AWAY FROM LE CROW.
KRUISBERG.
Styby is 'surveying' G.
Awwww, Le Crow has done his duty and is spent. G alone.
OPQS going off the front. Looks like Niki to me.
But they won't confirm.
Where is Sep?!?! The commentators don't even know if he's WAY off the back or shooting off the front. This is stupid.
Fab knows.
Piege my ASS, I KNOW NIKI WHEN I SEE HIM.
He is AWAY ALONE with Kristoff.
NIKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
DO A NIKI, Niki!
Back in the group behind, Le Crow got back on!!!! LONG LIVE LE CROW!!
16 seconds the Niki group has.
THE GAP IS GOING UP.
21k and 30 seconds.
Oh Sep, on the lonely chase in nowheresville.
Apparently Kristoff is scared of John Degenkolb. WOULDN'T YOU BE!? THE MAN IS A BEAST.
Le Crow, G, Styby all on the front of the Contenders group.
Oh my god we're on the Kwaremont.
G IS GOING FOR THE KILL WITH STYBY
Don't look back G, you're AWAY!
NIKI is murdering!
G is just such a badass.
Niki is just thrashing his way up this climb.
G and Styby caught now. MEH.
Yeah make Kristoff do some work Niki.
These chasers are about 20 seconds back. Maybe 15 of them, max.
VanAv launches.
Forrrrr nothing.
Oh my god they keep talking about safety in numbers, NO WE DON'T WANT THAT.
I love this.
ON TO THE PATERBERG FOR NIKI
More fucking confetti cannons in the face, this time for Kristoff.
VanAv off the front of the second group
Johnny D is in his wheel.
WHERE IS NIKI
Oh my god 12k
Sagan is with Greg VanAv behind Niki and Kristoff.
Fab says the chasing group is splitting apart and this favours Niki and Kristoff. PLEASE.
There's no more climbs now. oh god how will this end.
10k.
I'd watch that show.
8K of STRAIGHT ROAD ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!!?!?!
The gaps are staying the exact same.
They're going out those second two, Sagan and VanAv.
5k
They're letting it go out and out back there.
This is the weirdest finish.
Apparently Niki is saying by not launching "moi nonplus j'ai pas envie de faire 12ieme de Tour de Flandres."
3.5k
This is so tense.
How do you even do this. I don't know how you even do this, mentally/tactically/etc.
Ca crie dans les oreilles hein? Et dans le coeur.
1.5k
FLAMME ROUGE.
FAB IS ON YOUR SIDE. DO A FAB!
This camera angle is terrible WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Meh. Looked like Niki tried but Kristoff was too strong.
MEH.
Arnaud Demare: 'Meilleur Français but will be be in the top 20?' SO FRENCH.
Well Niki had a similar run-up to Roubaix last year and WON, so I'll take one of those please!
Update: I want "I've lost my teeth" to become an expression of excitement. Like "I had such a great time!"
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