You Don't Look a Day Over 99.

Stage 1: Porto Veccio – Bastia

I appreciate that ITV covers the Tour de France at all, I really do. I don't particularly appreciate how they try and kill the sport by providing commentary from Chris Boardman and Ned Boulting for the first hour.

Boom Goes the Dynamite is in the break though. 

And they’ve just confirmed the eventual handover to Phil and Paul. To be fair, they did offer one good bit: “That’s Jack. He’s dressed as a loaf of bread, and that’s his job for the entire month of July.” I bet this is his ride.

I’m practically peeing with excitement from now until the Champs Elysees.

Cav is ‘trying to chainsmoke this Tour’, winning the last stage of the 2012 Tour and the first of the 2013 one. It got a bit confused with the ‘lighting it with the still glowing embers of last year’s Tour’ but you get the idea.

Gary Imlach: “Welcome back to Corsica, the murder capital of Europe, though I don’t think they mention THAT in the roadbook. No actual assassinations since we’ve been here, though the traffic has been murder, don’t know if that counts.”

Wee Pierre is yukking it up!

Oh wait it all makes sense. Niki is telling an animated story! I know they’re not really ‘racing’ at present but he’s just chatting away like he’s not even on a bike!

If the Niki-Wee Pierre bromace were to develop for real I might die from extreme love. Though you can't forget the competition.

A first glimpse of Life Hero Johnny Hoogerland. “This is the rider that was catapulted into the barbed wire fence by a press car. It looked horrendous, it WAS horrendous.”

No wonder the French aren’t bothered about race radios— Jerome Cousin was just getting the race situation from the cameraman: “Pardon? Il y a un probleme derriere?”

A glimpse of TheJensie. I LOVE HIM. He just looks so pleasant and jolly!

Paul: "…and another bird you might see around here is the Mediterranean Shag. 

[HUGE hilarious interlude where you can only hear muffled laughter for ages]

… Many sea birds here in Corsica."

First time in 18 YEARS George won’t be starting a Tour and first time in a long time Fab won’t be the first yellow jersey. SO WRONG.

They don’t even MENTION Matt Harley as a possible contender for the Green Jersey. Oh Matty!

I suppose Fab's not coming cuz of the lack of Prologue is better than Wiggo's not coming to avoid the awkwardness of being the defending champ but not the leader of your own team. 

To be fair to him, Cadel faced that one as manfully as a man with a woman’s voice can.

Wee Tom!

Lil Tom, excuse me.

“The Tour de France to him is a big theatre isn’t it?”

Lance is still shakin' things up. @taylorphinney of course put it exactly like I would: The headline was infuriating but once I read the article I understood what u meant.

Too bad Taylor Phinney's not riding. I mean an innocuous comment on twitter and look at all the pro pelaton sass he generates. Matt Rendle was just lamenting that Bernie isn’t here cuz he gives such eloquent post-race chats. Or whatever.

I couldn’t see Ted just then.

I haven’t seen Ted!

Wee Pierre on the other hand sticks out like a tiny meerkat. Also, I think I saw VDV smiling in the background.

About Lil Tom: “A very strange style but you can never discount this man.”

Miki thinks he sees Dave Millar; I say to check for the breathe right strip for confirmation.

But I still haven’t seen Ted so maybe I’ve developed face blindness.

I can’t tell if Axel Merckx is making a joke on twitter. Talking of Danny Van Poppel: “19 and riding the Tour? Who is his DS?” DS is of course papa Jean Paul Van Poppel. Merckx Jr must know a TEENY bit about going into the family business.

Well I didn’t see Dave and I know my man pretty well. Klodi was there (breathe right!) and VDV.

It’s kicking off!

Dave there

Up there behind Sky

George lost one of his Tours??? Stuey is on 17 participations which is now the record cuz George has been taken down to 16. WHAT THE EFF.

Dave Millar is very distinctive I find.

Johnny!

Man can’t catch a break!

Hi Queen Bee Dave Millar front and centre.

The one called ROHAN is at the back with Ryder after a crash. 

Miki's geek-tastic response: You mean there’s a rider of Rohan? Zing!

This bus thing is MENTAL.

They’re taking the result at 3km?

“…dragging their man to the finishing line. The only question is: where IS the finishing line?”

This better not fuck Cav up.

There are going to be words.

I find this literally unbelievable.

CAV.

There MIGHT be a murder today.

It’s literal chaos. They’re gonna kill someone. They are all gonna band together and murder someone.

Dave survived.

Matty’s here!

Hmm.

Dave was in the mix there.

Well Goss is just on the side of the road, crying probably. Jesus hell.

Well there’s Ted.

Aww Danny Van Poppel doesn’t have amazing English, he’s too cute: “Ah, ya, ah, Hilare said something… Ah, it was crazy.”

So Kittel got the stage, and I'm very happy he got over the Shits of Yesteryear and made it back to the Tour. 

But when Dave and Niki are up there, and really that should’ve been a stage for Cav, and if he was out of the equation then Matty Goss, it’s hard to feel particularly joyful.

I'm in a glass case of emotion.

Stage 2: Bastia- Ajaccio

Miki thinks he's hit the nerd jackpot with the revelation that he's making pasta salad while watching coverage. 

I one-up him with this question: Is it tricolor pasta? #boom #IEmbarrassMyself

Onto Napleon's hometown today, but first we recap yesteday's shenanigans:

They're now showing video of the moment GreenEdge gets wedged under the banner. You hear a big wrenching of metal and then the guy just puts his head in his hands.

“The 100^th Tour de France started with a bang. It was the sound of a team bus hitting the finish line.”  Hey-oh!

Poor Panzerwagon! He’s got some real medical issues but is still starting. 

Didn’t he like JUST recover from being hit by a car and breaking an eye socket??

Miki recounts: Last night OPQS is sitting around eating dinner and talking about how he’s out. Then the door opens and he walks in with his arms up and goes “I’m back!”

Wee Sylvain's and Burghy's birthdays today. Maybe that’s why Wee Sylvain is parading around on the front.

Uhh, they’ve mentioned the possibility of Dave Millar getting the yellow jersey today. BE STILL MY HEART.

Tony lost consciousness TWICE yesterday.

Uh the Citadel of Corti is apparently referred to by locals as the Eagle’s Nest. Too soon?

I’ll tell you what I wish they’d re-show (watching all this KOM dancing about): Wee Pierre swinging across the road and taunting Contador all the way up L'Alpe D'huez.

Has FDJ got new kit? It looks better.

[Attaque de Thomas Voeckler] Gahh we’re on commercial!  They were JUST saying that he’s been off the back for a day and a half so he’s conserving energy and obviously planning something.

“The man that has worn the yellow jersey on 20 occasions.” LEGEND.

Cav's dropping off.  It was only a matter of time. With no Bernie to nurse him back in. Though he does have Niki and Niki loves japes.

Lil Tom is still at it: “This man never lets his country down.”

Alas, here comes THE NOSE to wipe him out.

Oh hello. 

Wee Pierre has jumped away.

“…and the French will be delighted.”

I could do commentating. Paul is basically channeling my thoughts: “There’s David Millar, with the little strip across his nose.”

Napoleon’s Grotto? Hello new bar name.

I love this press boat. Sounds like a party.

“There’s a little acceleration there..—“ “IT’S FROOME!”

“He’s made his statement, he’s made his point.”

This is mayhem.

Wee Jakob is there too!

First rogue dog of the Tour. GET A LEASH.

Though Dave Millar puts it better.

Maybe Garmin should use some of that manpower they used to chase down George for good this time.

Oh my god I don’t know who that is but that was like EPIC.

It's Jan Bakelants.  

To be fair, nobody seemed to know.

“J’ai envie de me faire plaisir, sans trop faire n’importe quoi non plus.” What a quote. What a man.

“And I thought of the Jensie also my roommate…” Jan is so cute! He called him TheJensie!

 

Dave Millar is 2^nd in the GC. COME ON.

Ted’s smiling. Can’t tell who he’s talking to.

Oh my god so cute. Jan is like “We do this again?” with the handshaking when he came up for yellow.

Stage 3: Ajaccio –Calvi

The French commentators and I are loving Jens Voigt’s smile.

Best tweet ever? I am of course rather partial to Adam for being too much of a rebel for the UK Academy and for providing amusement to @taylorphinney on a regular basis.  You might recognize him from such instagrams as “NORTHERNERS”. But anyway it made me laugh out loud with its straightforwardness. @adamblythe89: Does @geraintthomas86 have a fractured pelvis? #hardasamotherf#*cker

Well I brought him on board for his panache but Dave Millar has catapulted me into first place with his actual bike riding skill!

Gerrans is a canny operator, as they say.

I was just about to diss cyclingnews’ feed and then they made me giggle: “Peter Sagan must really be wondering what he has to do to win in this year’s Tour.”

Also, I’m happy for new fave Jan keeping yellow, but Dave couldn’t have gapped him by a second and taken yellow?? HE’S SO CLOSE.

There are a lot of weird rulings going on this year that are de-favouring my boys.

It was that guy’s [OGE’s bus driver] first day on the job. He said something like “I don’t know whether I’m a world star or an international idiot.” With that and eternal bridesmaid Matt Harley on board, team morale really needs that boost from Gerro.

You keep dreaming Matty! @mattgoss1986: BIG day for OGE today, with @simongerrans win!!! Teams first TDF win, everyone is over the moon! And only stage 3, many more possibilities!!

Alright, I just peed my pants. Is this a mistranslation?? I have to find this interview: Pierre Rolland discusses his full polka dot kit. “It’s pleasant, it’s aesthetic, I look at myself and it’s beautiful.”

Oh man, they’re doing highlights from yesterday and an unseen interview with Jan. Matt Rendle starts asking him something and he interrupts: “You’re from England!” and then they start bantering and he goes “So the Queen’s going to give me a title? Sir Jan Bakelants sounds good no?”

Imagine what japes he and Jens get up to of an evening!

They WON’T STOP MENTIONING the possibility of Dave in yellow tomorrow.

Of course Jan has been fantastic and with him there's always some stupidities, as Max says, but of course my heart belongs to Dave.

Gee’s post race interview seemed like he was a bit zoned out on painkillers and was totally sweet, especially (as the entire internet has latched onto) when he said his mum doesn't want him to continue!

Okaaaay, my heart just exploded. “I’m looking really excited forward to this project”????! And then the smile at the end! I LOVE FAB.

Stage 4: Nice TTT

I don’t know why all tweets about Gee’s misfortune make me giggle. @geraintthomas86: Thanks for all the messages guys, much appreciated!!! Even the dope control guys came to wish me well, and take my urine… #thanks

My love for Dave outweighs almost anything, and then you get VDV in there and his extreme need to redeem himself… And next thing you know you’re by the side of the road screaming COME ON GARMIN!

@Garmin: So excited about watching @ride_argyle in TTT we can’t sleep! No matter where you live, get your cow bells out! 

MY COWBELLS ARE OUT.  #MakeItYellow

What with the broken pelvises and seprated shoulders and double concussions, this Tour is shaping up to be a fitting homage its founder, Henri Desgranges. You know, the one who said an ideal Tour would be 'the one in which there was only one finisher.'

Brian Holm's thoughts on TTTs: “It’s fast at the start and then it’s big pain and then pain, pain, pain.”

Ted has already been dropped, poor thing.

FDJ has really turned it around with their new kit. The other ones were so retro, in a bad way. It’s weird how they stuck with them for so long and then just inverted the colours and they don’t look horrendous anymore.

My heart is ripped between wanting OPQS to win (everything, all the time) and wanting Dave in yellow. AND THEY’RE BOTH SO GOOD AT TIME TRIALLING. Is there a way for OPQS to win today but Dave get yellow? #firstworldproblems

Oh my god Garmin are on the road. What if I vomit.

If OPQS get a second on Garmin then Kwiatkowski takes yellow. Cuz apparently the WHOLE GODDAMN PELATON is still essentially on the same time and whatever team wins, their best placed rider gets yellow. WHICH IS FINE if it’s Dave but not fine if it’s anyone else.

And now they’ve mentioned that Ted has to average some unbelievable speed ON HIS OWN to make the time cut. I SWEAR TO GOD PHIL if he gets cut I’ll weep.

Well that’s that. No yellow for Dave AND Ted will probably be cut. Vive le Tour indeed.

I can imagine the commentary right now: “Froome is BURYING himself in these final kilometers!”

I’ll tell you what I have mixed feelings about time trials.  They’re a thing of beauty but the conditions always change so much over the course of the day that I inevitably find them unfair (when people I want to win lose).

“Europcar are having a shocker, to be expected to some extent.” Don’t they know they need to get their time trialing in order if they EVER want to be legit GC contenders??

It’s always like that time when they were still BBox and they each just pitched over the side of the road into a ditch as they took a tight corner. (CycleSport derisively captioned a photo of it: “This is a ProTour team?”)

Also, they just mentioned that if Saxo-Tinkoff win, Nica Roche will be in the yellow jersey. The ONLY PERSON in the WORLD who would put Nica Roche on a fantasy team, and I TOOK HIM OFF yesterday cuz I couldn’t stomach that he was working for Contador.

Not to worry, they didn’t get it. Nica can be secure where he always has been: striving in vain for his father’s affection.

YOUCH. Gerro in yellow. Sooooo, so far nothing I wanted has come out of this stage.

A ‘dent’ in Tejay’s GC hopes is NOT what I want to hear.

Literally the only good news I’ve heard is Ted King made the time cut.  Other than that it’s nothing but the crushed dreams of Dave Millar, Nica Roche, OPQS, Tejay, and Matty Goss, who can’t even be number one IN HIS OWN TEAM.

Although I guess Matt Harley does get to go to the podium for the team win. Way to go Matty!!!

If Tony had a fully functioning brain at the minute there’s no way OPQS would’ve been beaten.

Also Niki and Gert look like they’ve been beaten round the ribcage with baseball bats and aren’t at full strength either. And Niki doesn't take wounds well.

Whitey just said: “Technically we nailed it.”

I mean obviously he means that in the way that a descent or a bend can be ‘technical’, but I like the more audacious interpretation.

Aaaaand Dave Millar is out of the Top 10. I can take no more.

Also, Cav is apparently recovering from bronchitis?? How did this zombie team get within a second of the Green Edge??? They should get a prize for that!

Miki got the nerd party started with the suggested title of OPQS's Tour biography: Clear Eyes, Sore Throat, Broken Pelvis: Can’t Lose.

I countered that if we're being accurate, Gee has the broken pelvis.

Hence: Clear Eyes, Sore Throat, Can't Lose (Consciousness. For a Third Time)

Is Raymond Poulidor going to stay up there for the team podium so he can look in the mirror at Matt Goss?

Niki has simply tweeted a sad face.

And Gert has retweeted it, so I’ve had to see it twice.

And now my heart has wrenched apart. @millarmind: Wish I could say something philosophical about today, in truth, my heart is a little broken. Tour de France, you kill me.

I keep misreading that as ‘my little heart is broken’. As in, not just a little bit broken, COMPLETELY broken.

I love how much OPQS love each other. It’s like HTC used to love each other. Which I guess makes sense since it’s basically HTC plus Added Japes.

It’s just so sort of painful to watch this back on highlights knowing Dave loses. And WATCHING him lose.

“It’s disappointing, but that’s racing.” *Sigh*

“If anything, I let the team down.” He will find that self-blame if it’s there to be found!

Wow, couldn’t have scripted that better: As Nica Roche sprints to the line: “Is he going to pull on the yellow jersey today?!  Just like his dad did in 1987 when he – NO, it’s not gonna happen.”

God when they say it like that: OGE are going about 60k an hour. They went through the flamme rouge at one minute one second off OPQS' time so it will be one second one way or the other. They seriously mathed it and won by ONE SECOND.

They seemed pretty chill. They SAT UP at the line and then it just showed them wandering around after the finish totally not even breaking a sweat. Gossy was yammering away to Gerro: “Me and Cam (were gonna be?) 5 meters off the back!”

HAHA Paul just noticed it too! “He looks pretty calm and collected there.”

“The Tour de France won’t be won by seconds by the time we get to Paris.” It’s just so epic.

Alright, they are cute, OGE. They’ve all got their arms around each other and are waiting respectfully for RSLT to come in.

And now they’re shouting.

“That was the cue for a full on celebration which was STILL going on by the time we hit the podium.”

Cav offers some perspective on his bronchitis versus Tony’s misfortune: “At least I’ve still got all my skin left an’ that.”

Twitter whispers at first, but now they're saying Ted King’s out by 7 seconds. THE FUCK. There’s debate over the time itself, which the officials apparently won’t even look into, plus the fact that there’s ALWAYS exceptions to the rule.  

If what they want is to turn me against the race in its 100^th year they are well on their way…

Because Tony Martin, you know, TONY MARTIN, riding your motherfucking race with half a working brain and no skin and a barely recovered eye socket, got fined for having world champ bands on his bike.   

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER UCI/ASO and stop literally kicking people while they’re down.