I Dreamed a Dream

Milan-San Remo:

NO. STOP IT.

Somehow these descriptions don't seem to convey JUST HOW INCREDIBLE these dudes are.

I MEAN LOOK.

Also, can that be true?

Seems so wrong. And also I feel like Tommeke's win at Roubaix was like last year which it obviously wasn't.

Raisport you heroes broadcasting a whole hour earlier than everyone!

Though.. also a whole year earlier?

I DEFINITELY didn't black out and we're suddenly at 30k.

GAH don't show me Julien and his glorious hair crashing this is definitely last year right?!!

AHHH THEY'RE AT THE SAN REMO FOUNTAIN I WANT TO BE THERE

Alright I don't need to see the devastating heartbreak and lameness of last year.

We know the scene but we don't know the actors. What a poetic way of describing this GORGEOUS RACE.

Guys Demare isn't gonna double it c'mon be real.

Pippo and the Two-Handed Wave. A children's story.

I still expect to see Taylor on BMC.

I mean he's not even here, adding further confusion, but still.

This is basically French coverage in Classics season.

Lord it's bad enough when there ISN'T a French contender but are we just gonna talk about Arnaud Demare or are we gonna have a bike race?

I do quite love Pippo even though he's a bit of a weirdo.

Nacer Bouhanni is here?

The "best French sprinter behind Arnaud Demare" is basically nothing.

Wow. They've managed to come up with coverage MORE BORING than a retrospective on Arnaud Demare.

PETER'S BEING WEIRD AS USUAL!!

He's being like bizarrely obstructive and giggling and then walked away.

WAY TO BRING UP THE VIBE PETER

They're doing a recap of his weird podiums at Tirreno. He is so ace.

Peter Sagan in the same sentance as Arnaud Demare and SONNY COLBRELLI

ON Y VA POUR CETTE EDITION

Luke standing around looking like a fucking dude

Look I love Charly but it seems like Garmin always comes in with a relaxed attitude and lots of options and comes away with SO LITTLE you wonder if they even fielded a team. Do we think it might be time to reevaluate the strategy guys?

SWIFTY

YOU ARE LOVELY

Alex alongside Stevo. Yes please.

Bernie lurking near the front keeping an eye like a BOSS.

Piss time in the breakaway. The most exciting thing going on there.

Hey Phil in your champs jersey

This race is so brutal... We've been going for over four hours but you still have more than 100k left and haven't even hit the mountains. Hey ho.

WHY DOES JAY ROBERT THOMPSON RESEMBLE STEVO SO MUCH ON THE BIKE IT IS BAFFLING.

AW HEY JULIEN I know you!

...because Iljo isn't in this race. Because that's another weird on-bike twinning that doesn't make sense.

Except that they're attitude twins.

Peter looks like he's picking out a kitten at PetSmart here.

Man the fact that Fab podiumed at like every San Remo in the past 20 years really confuses things when you look at the list of winners.

PETER in the pack. Gaviria glued to his wheel.

Careful you don't get caught up in that weave Fernando.

Just kidding I LOVE PETER'S HAIR I'M SORRY

I mean how has he made the man-bun acceptable? How are his highlights so perfectly placed? AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT VOLUME. He is obviously made of magic.

Hey Cav. Have you had a trendy haircut or something?

Jule chatting to William Bonnet.

He wants to take charge.

Seriously. This is only gonna get weirder.

I'll say.

Glimpse of Captain Curvers there

IST JOHN.

CETTE IMMAGE NOUS FAIT PLAISIR

TOO RIGHT.

Got a speedsuit on...

Haiiiii Peter! Is he getting his own water bottle?

GOOOOOOORGEOUS LIGURIA I ADORE YOU

Are we just looking at Pippo's thigh in close up for no reason? Maybe zoom and slow-mo need to be removed from the camera operator arsenal.

Not stunning weather today. But not, you know, the worst.

Peter is YUKKING IT UP

And now he's yukking it up with Bernie so KILL ME

Peter's had a shave it would seem.

Luke strategising with Elia at the back here while he searches for an appropriate snack.

70k to go.

Please don't let Caleb Ewan win this. SNOOZE.

IF YOU SAY SO

Second feed zone and then CAPO CAPO CAPO!

Piss time for an OPQS.

Do they not... It looks like there's a kind of high likelihood you could be pissed on by someone going along here.

Not sure about 'city of 100 towers', Albenga. I see three.

They're kind of saying that the fact that Peter is eating shows JUST HOW INTENSE this race is. As if normally he doesn't require food like a normal human.

TRIO OF CAPOS begins with CAPO MELE

Different peeps coming to the front now. John's Treks and AG2R for whoever they've got.

C'mon let's get this breakaway over with already.

BERNIE IN THE HOUSE WATCH OUT

Cav

Luke

Elia

Love the imagery of racing along these walls on the climb

I mean if it was newbie Nate Brown in the breakaway maybe I'd care but COME ON playtime's over

WHERE. They said they saw Julian Alaphillipe but I don't.

It's still just Belgian Julien as far as I can tell

COLD. Julien blates just saw that AG2R go and DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT.

I mean THAT was a good use of zoom and slow-mo actually, seeing that face.

Thought Bert was at San Remo so that would have to rival Garmindale's current campaign.

CAPO BERTA

Well it doesn't LOOK like Goujons has 45 seconds when the peloton is RIGHT ON HIS ASS

Ah they've just wiped away all the time markers

YESSSSSSSSS THOSE FLAMETHROWERS

THIS LOOKS MAD

FECK could Etixx and FDJ go to different blue printers please!? I had a panic attack thinking an Etixx was delayed and it was Mikel Delage ffs

I think they just passed that fountain that John Degenkolb posed at in 1900.

Goddamn I mean cycling used to be EXTRA badass.

Racing to the base of the Cipressa

Oh it's all going off

Bahrain swarming, Katusha was there for a bit, Julien tried to maintain control, Daniel Oss appeared and disappeared

Lotto is now charging

EVERYONE IS WEARING RED THIS IS MADNESS

SKY PUSHING NOW

Bye bye breakaway!

ON Y EST

Ok apparently everyone is tres bien place.

WHAT'S THIIIIIIIIS

A tiny break is managing to go

A sunweb and Oss and some other people and a lotto and Trentin

A Sky flew across

PHILGIL is trying to join

Sort of everything together again but now BELGIAN TED?!?!? GOES?!

YES IT IS

Ahh shit Geshke's Beard is the one chasing him

Compatto

ALAPHILLIPE IS LURKING ON ONE SIDE AND PHIL IS ON THE OTHER

They think Cav is no longer bien place!!

Wow they've written him RIGHT off. I'm not entirely sure where he is.

Tommy of the Mill is KILLING the group

He know's John's not on his team anymore right?

Shhhhhhhh. Let him hide in plain sight.

22k.

Is that Kwiato in Peter's wheel?

Bahrain attacking now

Attacking the descent. CLASSIC Shark move.

Tony Gallopin attacking

Julian is staying Peter's wheel back here

Back together again

Peter comes towards the front

Julian has a lot of teammates

WHICH I KNOW IS NEVER GOOD BUT COME ON

Everyone in trains

Is Daniel Oss a giant? He looks huge on the bike.

Etixx taking the lead as we head for the Poggio

Tommeke takes us there

C'est royal con meme, quelle seigneur!

How long to go?

PIED DU POGGIO

TREK PUSH

FOLLOWED BY SKY PUSH

Sky takes over on the front

Was that Luke?

Dumoulin looks like he's trying to... do something? He looks like he's trying SO hard here and that Sky behind him doesn't even look like he's breaking a sweat!

Twitter might be ahead of the feed. Or I mean.. it's just a good bet isn't it?

Ok I can't have feeds breaking now NOT NOW

SAGAN KWIATO AND JULIAN AWAY AT 5K OF COURSE THE FEED BROKE

OTHER THINGS ARE HAPPENING

SAGAN RELANCE

KWIATO CAN'T STICK BUT JULIAN CAN

KWIATO'S STILL HANGING ON

Julian shaking out his legs

They have 17 seconds and 2k

IS THIS THE GREATEST PODIUM IN THE HISTORY OF RECORDED TIME I THINK IT MIGHT BE

EVERYONE STAY BACK

FLAMME ROUGE

Julian seemed to look back but I don't know because this picture breakup is INSANE

Peter leads with Kwiato then Julian

THIS IS LIKE STOP MOTION ANIMATION

Peter looks back

HE'S GOING

THEY ARE ALL TRYING

THEOH MY FUCKING

KWIATO EDGED OUT PETER

PETER IMMEDIATELY TOOK HIS HAND WHAT A LEGEND

I thought Julian was gonna get it there coming up in the end

Jesus hell they both THREW their bikes and then nearly collided

LOVELY KWIATO

EVERYONE IS HUGGING HIM

IS HE CRYING??? I LOVE HIM

Hey Michal how much did you win by?

FUCKIN HELL it's Julian's first San Remo I forgot!

KID IS KNOCKIN' ON THE DOOR BIGTIME

Serious dream podium.

Kwiato taps Julian on the back: 'c'mon pote, let's do this.'

What is Peter pointing at TELL US

Julian is so tiny and precious!

Peter has musketeer facial hair going on and I don't hate it

Michaaaaaaaaallllllll

LOOK AT HIS LITTLE FACE

YES. Julian goes straight to champagne spray Michal and Peter follows suit.

YOU KNOW IT VDV.

Find me this tandem bicycle.

IT AIN'T OVER TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS

Tirreno-Adriatico Stage 5 & Paris-Nice Stage 8:

Yeah cuz who wouldn't want to hang out with Phil??

WHAT WHAT WHAT I need coverage immediately

Cycling really makes you want to learn all the languages and visit all the places in the world.

I mean everyone was having a massive go but they did technically race TO the sun. There's never been any implicit suggestion that the race would be entirely conducted under the sun.

I guess if it starts raining in Nice then yeah by all means, you've got cause for complaint there.

MILAN SAN REMO STOP MENTIONING IT IT'S STILL A WEEK AWAY AND I CAN'T WAIT

It looks like Lammertink has gone solo from the breakaway and is alone up front now.

Ah there's our beautiful breakaway.

Inseguitori must mean 'chasers'

They seem to be 57 seconds behind Lammertink and maybe Simo Clarke is in the middle somewhere with someone from Bahrain Merida.

Goujons has joined Lammertink up front.

The inseguitori are breaking apart.

Wait is everyone just back together now?

I think testa della course is a bit relative here.

Cripes those aren't breaks screeching are they??

TAKE CARE NIKI

Is it just that everything built on a hill is beautiful by nature? Why is Italy so gorgeous!?

I read this too fast as 'Steve Cummings is attractive' and pissed myself. I think people might enjoy it if social media was that candid.

Gruppo Compatto

Or maybe not.

Where is Gruppo Yates compared to everyone else?

What's going on here? IS HE STOPPING??

What's wrong??

WHAT IS THIS?

Well Adam what's going on buddy?

A Sky and Bob Jungels are trying to get away

Oh it's Mikel Landa and his eyebrows

TIM IS TRYING TO JOIN THEM

AND HE HAS

Oh my god that might've been simply too much.

I should mention there's another wildcard rando with this group in case he ends up winning the stage or whatever.

FUCKING HELL THERE S A FULL ON TREE IN THE WHEEL OF BETTIOL.

How is it even possible that that has happened.

That was fucking mad.

Another beaut of a hillside village here at Montelparo.

Tim and Bob and co have built up nearly a minute here with 71k to go

When they hand stuff off to neutral service does it make its way back to the team cuz I can't imagine they want to keep re-issuing Etixx Luxembourg gilets all the time.

Movistar are leading the peloton I suppose it should be mentioned.

I wish Alex would go to another team. It's hard to want him to do really well when it's all for the witch doctor.

Like John racing for Bertie. I mean come on. That's mental.

Standard. Just kidding. That was unnecessary. I miss Maarten.

Over in Paris-Nice Thomas De Gendt is among the breakaways.

Whenever they zoom in grassy-knoll-style I'm never quite sure what I'm supposed to be seeing.

Like for example why were were just watching Domenco Pozzovivo in slow mo from the back like a bunch of creeps?

Gap coming down a bit at 57k to go.

A bunch of baby muurs still to come, a tiny Liege Bastogne Liege they say.

TIM. Be careful!!

50k and over to French coverage now.

God that gap is down. 20 seconds now.

Boooooooo they're getting caught.

44k and all together. For the moment.

I don't need to see Nairo Quintana's attack again thank you.

Ohhhh that's Majka. In the Polish champs this year.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S BEST POLISH

KWIATO LOVES ATTACKING

Has he won International Flandrien yet cuz he fucking should.

(Oh ok good.)

LEADER OF THE RACE LEADER OF LIFE

I just love when he does things. Anything.

Like pull focus in interviews.

OH IS IT.

I wish we could've seen a bit better who that was. Someone at the front of the peloton when that attack went was like looking around for help, like IS ANYONE SEEING THIS WHAT DO I DO?

I've been studying Froooooomy says Kwaito!

I don't think Movistar are that malin. If Valverde's not around they don't chase anything and sometimes by total chance that ends up working out in their favour. If you wanna call that a tactic...

Boooooooo another GREAT break caught.

We're into some muurs now.

Attack by some hair.

And GATTO.

It's Fabio Felline ('s hair) with him btw.

KWIATO GOES AGAIN.

Some other passengers are trying to join.

Tejay and Majka among them.

I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing a Feisty Fabio Felline.

Everyone back together.

Kwiatokowski a nouveaux a l'attack

They're suggesting he's effectively pissing on this race.

He keeps looking back. He wants some company this time.

Alas.

Now Diego Rosa goes.

25k. He's got a moderate amount of air with Kreuziger and Rui Costa.

God these baby muurs are not easy.

STYBAR WHERE

Now it's Kiry away with LL Sanchez.

Peter Sagan est toujours la, alors attention. Lui il laisse faire: Je suis la pour l'arrivee.

Oooh la la they nearly went off the road THERE NEEDS TO BE A BIT MORE THAN A TINY BIT OF PLASTIC ROPE THERE MAYBE

20k.

It's kicking off over in Paris-Nice with Bertie thrashing around so... bleh.

Adorbs.

UGHHHH Bertie's not going to win in Paris-Nice is he?? Is that a possibility?

14k and Kiry and LL have 25 seconds.

FDJ and Etixx are near the front of the peloton.

(Hi Julian in green!)

They're trying so hard to be dispassionate about this. HOW DOES IT FEEL?!

Well it certainly fucking WILL be the race to the shit if Bertie wins!

11k. Majka is leading the chase behind but they still have 20 seconds ahead.

They really really think Nibali is a has-been in this commentary box.

Under 10k.

Tejay looks like he's having a go!!

He's joined LL and Kiry has disappeared somehow.

(COME ON LES GARS)

Woooooooooooah were are we in Paris-Nice at 38k that was STUNNING.

5k left at Tirreno.

Awww JuJu still super content with the team's Paris-Nice despite the deception of yesterday.

3.2 Thibaut is going and G is following!

But unfortunately the witch doctor is also there.

UGH.

GERAINT THOMAS QUI S'ACCROCHE.

AND NOW HE TAKES THE LEAD

Pinot attacks

Peter chasing to join this group.

And he has.

1.3k

Oh man this could go so many ways

FLAMME

COME ON G I THINK ALTHOUGH ALSO PETER

Peter imposed himself hilariously there

Oh. Rigo is here. He tries some sort of attack.

I think not says Peter

THERE IS NO ROOM ON THIS TINY MEDIEVAL ROAD

500m

Peter leads us

The road widens

WHAT WILL HAPPEN

G leads into the turn

WE ARE GOING UP THE FINAL BIT OF HILL

G IS GOING FOR IT

PETER IS COMING UP ON HIM THERE IS NO CHANCE FOR ANYONE

Hey good effort Thibaut there at the end but Peter just rides in a different race.

He bunny hops on to the pavement behind the podium.

He sounds like a knight.

Waiting for an inevitably great post-race interview from Peter, meanwhile 22k to go at Paris-Nice.

C'est MAINTENANT que Paris-Nice va ce jouer.

What is that gorgeous rooftop pool going on here. This is difficult to watch from wintertime London.

Oh. Apparently we're just going back to the Biathlon after Tirreno. Ok.

So Bertie with 5 guys up front with 47 seconds and then everyone else I guess?

Col d'Eze looms.

I mean what I DIDN'T want was for Henao to lose the yellow jersey to Bertie. That wasn't what I meant.

20k to go. Bleurg.

Can Dan not do something?

I say that like he's not trying hard or something.

...But can't he?

Woah that Downer commentator actually conceded that it's not over til it's over. Maybe he secretly hates Bertie too.

ET VOILA

ATTACK DE RICHIE PORTE

YES AVEC DAN MARTIN

False bloody alarm it would seem.

Soler has gone away from that Spanish front group, which I don't really care about.

17k

Ughhhhhhhh Bertie has more than a minute now.

Where's a full on fucking tree when you need one.

JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE

GO ON

15k

BRING THAT GAP DOWN YOU BASTARDS

UGH I HATE THIS

YES IT IS CONTADOR CONTRE TOUT LE MONDE WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU

Did they say he only has 19 seconds d'avance? Am I hearing that right??

I DON'T GET MATH 11K

HELP US BOZ

Ca c'est une Froome, they say as he pedals in supertuck. That is fucking excellent.

HE IS LOSING TIME.

QUEL FINALE QUEL BAGARRE

Under 6k THERE IS STILL TIME

C'EST PLUS QUE NEUF POUR L'HOMME EN ROUGE

EVERYONE IS SHITTING THEMSELVES AT 3.5k

COME ON COME ON COME ON EVERYONE ELSE

We haven't seen the chasers I hope they are vomiting on themselves with effort this whole way

AH FUCK

Bertie goes solo

DAVID DE LA CRUZ I AM COUNTING ON YOU FOR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS BUT COME ON

I HATE TIME BONUSES I THINK

YES COME ON DAVID

TAKE THOSE TEN SECONDS TAKE THEM

FUCK YOU BERTIE COME ON DAVID DO IT

IL VA S'IMPOSER!!!!!!!!!

WHAT A FUCKING HERO.

COME ON EVERYONE ELSE

HE NEEDS 23 SECONDS

THEY WILL DO IT WONT THEY THEY'RE RIGHT THERE

TINY ALAPHILIPPE CRUSHING IT TO THE LAST


YAAAAAAAAAAAS
FUCK DID HE WIN IT BY THE SECOND

I COULD CRY

JESUS THAT IS ONE WAY TO MAKE ME LOVE HENAO


OH MY FUCKING LIFE

That was so tense.

Oh christ Bertie lost by 2 seconds.

Tant que le rideau n'est pas tombé, la pièce n'est pas terminée!

Ahahahaa. As last year, you put in a big effort; as last year, you gave us a show; and as last year, you lost.

Then he went on to say people either love you or hate you, this interviewer is gold.

How is it possible that Paris-Nice plays out like this year after year, what is this magical parcours?

Awww de la Cruz, in the style of all Etixxes, is adorable: I could manage the way for to keep on his wheel.

Freaking adorable stop it. Also what is Luke's candy of choice, the world needs to know.

Dan looks like he's just finished a particularly jazzy ice dance with a flourish.

I mean I guess you also have to like Henao cuz he looks like he rides in the past.

Oh man, the teamiest team that ever teamed. Look at Marcel stage-moming over there.

MEILLEUR EQUIPE OF LIFE.

LITERALLY MURDER ME I AM DONE.

Eh ben: super content, loulou.

La Course des Deux Merdes

Tirreno-Adriatico Stage 4 & Paris-Nice Stage 7:

Bromance. This team is made of bromance.

Also does this entire team refer to each other as loulou cuz I might just die from the adorableness.

Has there been research on the crossover of biathlon fans and cycling fans? Why is the biathlon always preempting my advertised cycling coverage.

Although this guy kinda reminds me of Tom Dumoulin so that's a nice surprise, but still.

Maybe if those SAT questions expressed themselves as a person trying to figure our how to follow multi-race days I would've done better in math.

The combination jersey never left us.

Oh man I would love if Tom Dumoulin won the epic mountain stage today.

Peter Sagan is just the greatest.

Also, FOR REAL WHO DOES SHIMANO'S MUSIC GIVE THEM A RAISE I AM CRYING

They're talking up G here DON'T MAKE ME DREAM

The Boy King! Leading us along here.

Peter chatting along to Viviani. And an indeterminate DData joins in.

Some semi-hilarious cycling explanations here. The gist: They're not trying to bring the break back but still, be a professional, don't let it get out to 20 minutes.

Peter's piling on his jerseys.

The thing is you really want someone cool to win Tirreno cuz of the trident.

Daniel Oss needs to have a chat with Peter about a nice conditioning masque.

I am genuinely so jealous of his hair.

Imagine if Thibaut Pinot won Tirreno and Julian won Paris-Nice. France would have to take the rest of the year off to celebrate and get over the shock.

All these villages look super gorge.

Ah man this guy is SHITTING ALL OVER NIBALI.  Savage.

Now they're having problems with the transmission. Coincidence I THINK NOT.

Awww how adorable is Davide Bramati!!! Il n'y a pas beaucoup comme moi! La passion c'est ca.

Then they referred to him as le Marc Madiot Italian, which is so real.

I'm kind of bored of looking at this breakaway.

GAH excellent punning!

What's the last relevant thing Rigoberto Uran did? I mean aside from being danced up on.

40k. The gap is kiiiinda coming down. BRING ME MOUNTAINS.

Tommy of the Mill's men now coming to the front for the first time all day.

His un-accented English fascinates me.

SUNWEB IS PUSHING.

LA COURSE EST PARTI

WHAT IS TIM WELLENS HERE?!

There are so many excellent people here it's gonna be so lame if the witch doctor wins AGAIN.

These guys are going cray.

They've got the gap down to nearly 3 minutes and now everything seems to have chilled.

Chute!

Sans gravite as they say.

Except it was Tim that fell on his ass by the looks of it so a bit of gravite.

Finally, a col!

The breakaway are doing things but it's under 2 minutes now so c'mon guys get out of the way.

A Sky move...

Elia has come to the front

Stefan Kung was kinda uncool to him just there. He was like 'hey man' and then pushed him out of the way.

Watch you don't get yourself barred from the International King Dynasty for unsporting behaviour Stefan.

Under 20k.

A touch nervy around here.

Bauke at Trek is gonna confuse me all season.

Ah shit they need to watch this descent. CRIPES that breakaway dude really went down into that ditch. How did he fold his body to get under that barrier WHILE SLIDING ALONG THE ROAD?!!?

Well we've had to go over to Dutch coverage cuz everything broke.

In that time they've started the climb and Styby has come to the front.

Peter's had enough. He's literally roughhousing with Alberto Bettiol at the back now.

Ugh. Nibali and Co.

Greg is dead. Is this in slo-mo? No but seriously. He looks like an overworked plough cow.

KWIATO WHAT YES

I thought I had French coverage back but Kwiato's attack was obviously too much and it broke again.

He's got some companions now.

Not a bad climbing bunch but obviously no one I like more than Kwiato.

11k.

Kreuziger is with Greenedge now? This season's gonna be tough to follow.

Kwiato's little group is gaining time.

I think Sporza just switched over to Paris-Nice coverage of its own accord. Like a sentient being.

Maybe it knew Luke was driving on the front and I'd really want to see that.

What Quicksteps am I looking at here? It's hard to keep up with the country I'm in.

Well that is JACK BAUER I know that much.

Wee Jakob is trying an attack in Paris-Nice.

God and on top of all of this Lotto has two different jerseys in the two races so WTAF how can anyone follow anything.

PHIL.

Hi Phil.

Oh well that's one way of making it clearer.

Kwiato is now just with Spilak over in Tirreno.

Pinot is trying to spoil the party. The Witch Doctor hangs behind him and G lurks as well.

Spilak seems to be going alone.

NO.

Oh it's all kicking off now.

People are shooting off the front of the peloton all over.

OH Julian! You look resplendent in yellow!

Ah Tom and G swirling around in Tirreno!

Fucking tell me about it.

It doesn't help that additionally you can hear Australian commentary coming from SOMEWHERE in the background.

2.2k and there are a mix of good and bad things going on.

COME ON G IS ALL  I CAN SAY

1.8k

Bleurg.

I find Quintana SO unexciting.

UGH.  Well this certainly ruins this stage.

Fucking snooze.

Alright Paris-Nice, no pressure.

For once I'd actually like the blatantly nationalistic French coverage.

WAIT WILL YATES TAKE THE JERSEY?!

REDEEM THIS DUMB DAY ADAM

Oh. They totally mis-sold that. Alright. Moving swiftly on.

Certainly leading in the weird name category.

Comme hier, comme avant-hier, comme tous les jours has an odd beautiful poetry to it.

On a vu Nicholas Roche..

Ah bon??

This guy is seeing all sorts of people we aren't seeing on the screen. SHOW ME WEE PIERRE

Tiny Alaphillipe strategising with his potes as he races along.

Is there someone called Romain Corbeau??

THERE IS ONLY ONE LE CROW

Alright Lillian I'm over you can we please make the catch now?

Oh putain! someone just shouted somewhere off screen. It's basically like the cycling equivalent of the greatest thing ever seen around here right now.

A few chasers behind Lillian and then Skys and JuJu and Co leading the peloton.

PHIL.

Phil looks so right in the Belgian champs jersey.

UGH that was like precipice-cam, I just got vertigo.

12k.

Oh now Bertie's team is getting involved. LET'S NOT MAKE THIS A TOTALLY USELESS DAY IN CYCLING PLEASE

Wee Pierre!

I mean he's at the way way back almost alone, but GOOD TO SEE YOU PIERRE

Oh hey Nicholas

Back here with poor S. Yates also losing contact.

Woah these dudes are gonna CATCH whoever that solo breakaway is.

WHAT

Awwww Julian has cracked.

HE IS THRASHING. What a tiny little fighter!!

YOU CAN DO IT JULIAN IT'S ONLY 10 MORE K

A bloc hein he says to his teammie as he shakes his head.

Someone's just discovered emojis.

I assume Sergio Henao is one of these Skys up here?

Why are Columbians trying to ruin my day today.

Oh my god the woeful sight of Julian, one of his dudes, and two other guys.

Remote on this mountain.

This never-ending mountain.

God it's like good cop bad cop in commentary here.

Pour l'instant il est toujours maillot jaune!
Oui mais si Henao gagne et il prend la bonif il ne sera pas.

He's spitting all over himself poor Julian

And now he's virtually lost the yellow jersey.

Trek is doing all sorts up front so to add insult to injury Bertie will probably win the stage.

I can't believe Richie made it to this group.

I love Sky but I have no feelings about Sergio Henao.

I guess I can just think of it as Luke winning.

I'm too distracted by Julian's loss to be happy that Dan is in this front group.

Richie is attacking but Bertie won't let us have nice things

GO RICHIE GO

He's getting awayyyyyyyyyy

GO ON RICHIE

Richie's looking lean these days

2k to go

Except Julian, who is at 3k to go.

This sport is so cruel.

Richie's sort of smiling grimace is excellent right now in split screen next to Bertie trying to chase him.

Oh hello it's freezing up here.

God who put this commentary team together? The most excited, optimistic man alive and the HUGEST DOWNER.

YAAAAAAAS RICHIE!!!!!

Richie looks so chill he doesn't even look like he's winded.

GO ON YOU TINY FRENCH KING

Well Julian is still the King of Hearts which I guess is all he can really hope for as a Frenchman.

Oh my god is Richie going to speak French?!!

Oh, no. They translated for him. Aw.

Awwwwww he's biggin' up Julian!!!! He did great and in the future he's gonna be a big champion.

YES HE IS.

DON'T CRY.

Into the Gladiator's Arena

Strade Bianche:

I mean damn that WAS a little funny.

This Namedsport nonsense always makes it seem like someone didn't fill out a template correctly.

Shit's about to get real.

TURN OFF THE DOWNHILL SKIING THE RACE IS KICKING OFF

Ok dubbed commercials for over the top American tv shows are moderately more entertaining but still. BIKES PLEASE.

Mehhhhhhhhh, sad face. TURN OFF THE BIATHLON.

Siena does look absolutely gorge.

COME ON STOP TALKING JUST PUT THE RACE ON

Peter's all black World's gear is stylish. Can that make a comeback?

Last year was great don't get me wrong but I'd like to watch this year please

Plus it reminds us FAB ISN'T HERE WHICH I CAN'T ACCEPT

Tommy Dumoulin is so cute.

Oh Styby! He's so adorbs.

I really wish that. I hope to get here again some really nice results.

Peter's pre-race interview here suggests he's not feeling well, though he was in that front group earlier..

Oh.

OH. OH SHIT. They're showing the front group and it's BETTER THAN THEY WERE LETTING ON: KWIATO, STYBY, TOMMY OF THE MILL, BELGIAN TED, also Tiesj and Sean de Bie.

This of course the front CHASER group, not the boring escapees currently leading the race.

MONTE SANTE MARIE

or should I say SECTEUR SPARTACUS

MORENO MOSER HAS JOINED THEM

Explose encore a nouveaux

PUSH IT TIM

TEAR THEM LIMB FROM LIMB or something

I do love the French language. Also it's nice to be able to understand the commentary for the first time this season.

Oh Thibaut. You gotta sort out this crippling fear of descents.

Ohhhhh it looks sooooo windy!

Eurosport, are you a legitimate sporting news organisation? What is this coverage? It's like a peeping tom camera through some trees 500 miles away. This is useless.

Tim split that group up with his accelerations and is away with Styby, Kwiato, Tommy, and Tiesj. GVA and Durbo also.

And the escapees are disappearing randomly up there as well.

Now it's just Tim, Styby, GVA and Tom...

Maybe?

At least they're honest.

I think I've been watching too much ANTM. It feels like everyone is working their angles here.

Anyway, 43k to go. The excellent chasing group has a few passengers and is within 30 seconds of Thibaut and his duo.

Tom is like GO ON you Lottos!

Some other people have joined the chase group.

Not inaccurate, but also this is very nearly a dad joke.

Kwiato, Tom, Styby are in front with the remnants of the escapees

I know there's weather but can we get this feed breakup sorted?

I mean the still images are beautiful but.. NOT WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.

Still three more secteurs assez interessant

Styby is PUSHING

Michal is fighting now.

Everyone is basically just trying to stay in contact, dotted around the countryside.

They're all kind of THERE, it would be helpful if we didn't keep referring to them as a GROUP when they're one inch off the front.

Kwiato was gesturing at the camera moto to back off.

That front group is getting weird and Kwaito's like 'uhhhhhh well I'm going...'

Bauke watching the race through my eyes.

TIM WEELENS QUI RELANCE AVEC STYBAR DANS LA ROUE

Also was it Tim or was it that Katusha dude?

Onto some GROAD now

Kwiato goes again!

TIM IS GOING FOR IT BIGTIME UP THIS HILL

Je ferme la parenthese parce que la course joue

He was on a not-uninteresting rant about how EBH never lived up to his hype and how G is a much better rider.

If this is true (and you never know even WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING IT) this is a great group.

Though obviously GVA is the weak link.

20k.

Styby has lucky number 13 today.

Tommy of the Mill looks like he has joined this front group!

Also Durbridge.

Arm warmers comin' off for Styby

Vest off for Kwiato

CA RECHAUFFE

When did Juul Jensen get here?

Social media is seeming unusually out of sorts today.

It's not like Italy could ever be ugly but it's a little bit less pretty under this gloom.

YAAAAAAS KWEEEEEEEN

I love this man everybody knows it

13k

COMME SUR LES PAVES DE PARIS ROUBAIX

He has 11 seconds with just over 11k to go!!

He looks behind but he's gaining time!

I mean except for Greg I like the chasers as well (Tim and Styby) but STILL

KWIATO IS IN SIENA

He's riding on the pavement. Somebody'll have something to say about that.

Up into an uphill now

Those socks are pretty sweet.

Sing it girl. It's hard being a bike nerd.

LET'S NOT JINX IT EVERYBODY BUT COME ON KWIATOOOOOOOOOO

5k to goooooo

4

It doesn't SEEM like 27 seconds but GO ON KWAITO

He's checking behind him while in a supertuck cuz he's a BOSS

That is a very dangerous turn.

GOOD LORD he got close to that wall! SAFETY FIRST KWIATO 1.5 to GO

FLAMME ROUGE IN POLISH IS CZERWONY PŁOMIEN

He's up in the uphill up into the Piazza!

Cameras are flashing!

IT IS BEAUTIFUL

CLIMB KWIATO CLIMB

He's out of the saddle looking back

They are trying behind but they won't get him!

GOD HOW LONG IS THIS

THIS IS TRECHEROUS ROAD

HE IS UP

YAAAAAAAS

YAAAAAAS HE SAYS GET WITH ME PEOPLE

Classic Greg.

Tim got third!

Kwiato is rather woozy

Tom might get 5th here

God they're rather weathered. Rough going out there today.

This is great it slow mo.  HE IS SO GREAT

OH MY FUCKING GOD HE LIKE TOOK OUT HIS SOIGNEUR LIKE A BADASS BEAR CUB.

Honestly, something about that final bit up into Piazza del Campo is SO GLADIATORIAL.

Maybe that's why Fab won so many times.

Yeah weird once again the Garmindales seemed to not even field a team here.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED

BOOM BABY

I wish we could see some adorable post-race chat from him.

You guys are fucking killing me: straight into the action here with the Gibraltar World Champion Snooker.

Way to kill the vibe.

Talk about killing the vibe on an otherwise GREAT podium. DAMMIT GREG.

Hoookaaaay, I could cry. This is like a masterclass in being adorable. I think he must just be a really lovely human being.

ARE THEY TRYING TO MAKE ME CRY

I gotta go to this race one day.

OMFG Tom seem like he honestly would GENUINELY say boy oh boy!

Ah the lesser known #dirtyfacesDONTwin races.