Oldie but Not Goodie

Liege-Bastogne-Liege:

Sammy, don't go!

THE CUTEST. I CANNOT BE OBJECTIVE I WANT HIM TO WIN EVERYTHING.

I'm kind of obsessed with this picture of Alex Howes. It feels epic and dramatic.

The Ride Journal knows.

Got a breakaway of 8 now.

Mmmm. Tough group to pick a fave. Clement Chevrier has the best name and is riding for IAM.

UHH IS THIS HIM??! Is he 8 years old??

How can you not root for IAM when this good lookin' dude is riding today. (I mean that hair alone!)

I love this team I could not love them more.

Nico Roche is here for Sky, cuz obviously.

Will he go away on La-Roche-en-Ardenne? The Cote de Saint-Roch? Roche-aux-Faucons? or the Cote de Saint-Nicolas?? IT'S ALL TO PLAY FOR.

Is Paul drunk? But yeah the weather does look very dramatic out there.

In the wait for live coverage, I have discovered there is another Michal Kwiatkowski. Who sort of seems like he could be related to Nathan Haas? ... It's really boring when there are no updates.

I'm sort of lukewarm toward the Shark of Messina, but if he won today it would be a nice little bookend to his first participation when he finished dead last. Unless something shady is going on; then it's the worst story ever.

Oh Dan. I can't even think who would be a suitable third to a dream podium with him and Kwaito. PhilGil seems too much of a longshot to dare hope.

And now I've probably jinxed it and it'll be Valverde, Nibali, and some random from Topsport-Vlaanderen.

Obviously there's science and shit and I don't wish anyone harm, but the car racing is delayed right now because of a slight drizzle. Like I'm not even sure it's actively raining at the moment.

I mean, Le Blaireau lost a finger didn't he?

Anyway, meanwhile Cav takes Stage 1 in Turkey!

Break down to 2 and a half minutes.

Waiting for car racing to stop and coverage to start...

My interest is momentarily piqued though: Is there ACTUALLY a car racer called Martin Van Buren??

Dan Wuori is as bored as I am.

This is getting annoying now. There's no sign of this stupid car racing ending and it's 8 minutes past broadcast time.

Oh may have got it now; a caffeine shampoo ad in Italian is a good sign. What a sport.

Ouch a few breakaways being caught by Astana-lead peloton. A few still have under a minute up the road.

Bit annoying that the only feed to be found is in Italian. But maybe I'm being saved from Carlton Kirby.

Incredible language. Wish I understood it.

Though maybe I do speak Italian: "Daniel Martin is a favourite" I just puzzled out.

They're letting those poor fools hang out out front at 30 seconds.

Onto the Cote de Stockeu for the break.

Mess for some Topsports at the base of the climb. Looks like a mechanical and bike swap.

Someone from Astana going off the front now. Andriy Grivko?

That Monument Eddy Merckx is a bit weird.

Technically, I guess.

Gorka Izzagire is off after Grivko.

And now a GreenEdge??

Tim Wellens losing contact at the back. Belgian Ted, stay strong!!

Ah it's A YATES in hot pursuit!!  Not A. Yates, to be clear; S. Yates.

And all of a sudden it's English Eurosport coverage.

Merciful god it's not Carlton Kirby. They often pair Rob Hatch with the World's Dullest Man Sean Kelly; he's rather good at prodding him for contributions I have to say.

They're saying Belgian Ted just had a mechanical back there and is moving back up no problem. WHEW.

There's a sort of elite chase group that's formed here.  Lots of Astanas (though not the Shark?), Styby and another OPQS (not Kwiato they claim), and Nico Roche.

PHILGIL spotted! Where are you Phil?

Original break has now been caught by this elite group, making something like 20 riders up ahead.

Belgian Ted has made contact with the peloton again.

It's a curious old accent Sean Yates has. They're chatting to him in the Saxo-Tinkoff car.

Col du Rosier now.

These descriptions of Mt Tiede make me feel like there should be a cycling-based murder mystery set there. Basically like The Shining, with bikes.

What's happening with Styby here? Signalling for service. In the normal fashion, not the Charly fashion, sadly.

Stevo Cummings there too? Party at the back!

It was all too much. Power just went out across the whole commentary block. But order has been restored now.

Heading towards the Maquisard now. EXCELLENTLY named and rather difficult.

46k to go with three ahead at under a minute.

Bit of a mess back here. Rafael Valls Ferri shouting 'wheel wheel wheel' as a wheel lies in the road.

MICHAL!!

He and Styby should always ride side by side cuz they look so good.

I am SO INTO the white jersey/black shorts combo, CLEARLY.

Ohhhhhh enormous crash.

Sky on the floor. OH IT'S NICO!! and Nathan Haas!!! and DAN MARTIN!!! And Wee Pierre!

OH Nicoooooooo is lying on the ground.

What even happened there?!?!?!

Dan styled it out a bit there. He's going over and manages to set himself down in a bit of a squat. He was at least standing up rather quickly, if not going anywhere. I think it's Nathan sitting in that ditch.

Nico is standing up now but being supported.

What is this now!??

A GreenEdge-- It's Simon Gerrans!! He was just in that big crash and is now on the ground again! He was just lying in the road but then got up and moved to sit on the curb. This is all very strange.

The race is still going on ahead. They're on La Redoute. Only 2 away now with the peloton at 19'.

You know, VDV.

I just want Kwiato to stay upright. Winning would be a bonus.

Kosta in pursuit?

Looks like he's shot off the front of the elite little group chasing the front 2.

Ahahaha, Dan says what we're all thinking. (Looks like the original tweet listing Froomey in the crash has now been deleted)

Sad face. The only two climbs left are the Cote de la Roche-aux-Faucons and Cote de Saint-Nicholas. NICO WE LOVE YOU HEAL UP!!!

Also, Roche-aux-Faucons?? As opposed to vrai cons?

Hey PhilGil is in this elite group!!!

Kosta back in the group.

Lost live pictures again.

Oh sick. No wonder.

22.7k to go. Break has been caught and we've got this select group still going. About 45 riders they say.

I think a rider just went across a speed camera check and was clocked as obeying the law.

Oh Dan. Confirmed to be out as well. This happened at least once before, when Nico and Dan had a wee family reunion when they both ended up in the same hospital and Nico sent an apologetic tweet along the lines of "Sorry Dan!!!!!!! For taking you down!!!!!!!"

Roman Kreuziger off the front. Being chased by Caruso.

Wee Jakob counter attacking.

Visconti goes and Alaphilippe goes too and now the whole peloton is freaking out.

Sammy Sanchez representing BMC??!! GO SAMMY.

Jakob has joined Kreuziger and Caruso at the front.

Being chased by Rui Costa, Alaphilippe, Visconti, Moreno and an AG2R? Where did Sammy Sanchez go?

It's started raining now so pictures a bit more unclear.

Stevo Cummings with Lil Tom and A Yates at the back.

OH GOD MICHAL is at the front now.

It's all moving all over the place.

Classic Lil Tom! He was at the back and 10 seconds later LAUNCHES an attack!

Nothing really going here. The three are ahead and the peloton are mostly grouped together with a few riders dangling off the front in turn.

9k to go.

Stybar POWERING IT OUT on the front! What a beast!

Yeah Valv.Piti does have 'more podiums than you care to mention', cuz I don't care to mention any of them.

Lots of OPQSs still there.

Oh jesus they're onto the Cote de Saint-Nicolas now.

Classic Shark of Messina, he's off the front.

Yikes, those three up front are now caught.

Oh Phil. Being dropped with his bandaged arm and he's fighting to stay in there.

5.7k to go.

BMCs dropping like flies.

WHAT'S THIS NOW. KWIATO dropped?!!!!?? Nooooooooooo.

Romain Bardet trying to get away. Splits everywhere.

Under 3k.

Under 2k.

Nibali has managed to get back on this front group.

Or has he?

They're coming to Dan Martin corner.

Moreno is getting ahead bigtime here! What the hell is this finish!?

UGHHHHHH Vavl.Piti is chasing???? This is THE WORST.

Moreno caught.

Alaphilippe still there!!

OH JESUS HERE IT COMES.

OH JESUS I HATE THIS

...

Phil you tiny hero. He comes rolling in very respectably there with his sweet face.

Alaphilippe congratulating Valv.Piti there, because he has manners. And then seeing a camera and running away. HE'S TRYING TO SLIP YOU BLOODBAGS JULIEN DON'T BE TAKEN IN.

Excellent reacting by Alaphillippe on the line there.

How 'bout him!!!

WUORI KNOWS.

The ONE TIME we have time for post-race interviews.

Oh but this is adorable, it's time for podiums and Alaphilippe is chattin' on his phone.

Tiny Cigar doesn't know which step to go to.

Alaphilippe chattin' away with the Badger on the podium. So excellent.

Alaphilippe gave it a fucking good go there at the end. I'm gonna pretend he won.


Update: Oh COME ON!! He won.

Update later: Nico is ok!!! When the world's loveliest man is ok, we are all ok.

Fleche and Blood

Fleche Wallonne:

Nice one, La Fleche.

No pressure, Kwiato but I LOVE YOU AND HOPE YOU WIN.

Bike racing is so chill.

Tim Wellens kind of has a similar profile toTed King.

Oh Ted, WE ARE SENDING YOU GOOD AND HEALING VIBES!

Breakaway of 7, with 8 mintutes on the peloton.

A look through the peloton and Wilco Kelderman is centre-middle of the pack. The LottoNL are desperate for a win and the young Dutchman is their best hope for today. Oh god, THIS Wilco Kelderman??

The most pleasant-faced man in the peloton, Sammy Sanchez, was limping around the start after taking a tumble in Amstel Gold. When lovely people are hurting, WE HURT.

DAN! GO DAN.

The break are approaching the Cote de Bellaire now.

Wow. If you ever want to nap, put on the audio commentary of snooker. Struggling to keep my eyes open here.

I LOVE HIM CAN HE WIN EVERY RACE PLEASE.

“I have a lot of emotion after winning Amstel on Sunday, so it has been difficult to concentrate. Since Monday, I’ve been really focussed on today’s race, so let’s hope it’s enough to do something today. I don’t know if I’ve recovered but we’ll see how it goes,” said Kwiatkowski. 

There is too much cuteness out there about him, I can't be objective!!!

I'm in love with that Huy road paint font too, I wanna get a slab of that road on my wall as art.

Hokaaaaaay, CHANGE COVERAGE NOW, you promised!!

We've reached the halfway point of the race, the break still has 6 and a half minutes lead.

There's always that moment of confusion on twitter when there are multiple races going on at the same time. Richie Porte is racing Fleche Wallonne?!?! Ryder Hesjedal bridged to the 7 man break?!!?

GOD DAMN YOU CARLTON KIRBY.

Fleche Wallonne are cray for emoticons. I LOVE IT. I think emoticon coverage in the new wave in commentary.

I mean it's already more eloquent than Carlton Kirby.

There's also some really fucking excellent sass going on from OPQS down there too!

Some ENORMOUS BEAST in the field just there. What the hell could that even have been? It looks like something made in a lab.

Was there a wee crash there? Some Lottos chasing back on and I thought I saw a Garmin waylaid on the side of the road.

Oh no!!! Not Belgian Ted!

And the Garmin was Ben King! What is all this Ted-related misfortune??

Mur de Huy for the first time of asking (though certainly not the last time of mentioning CARLTON KIRBY).

Oh my god, Dan has come down very badly. He looks in terrible pain and is limping around and not getting back on his bike.

Looks like Tiago Machado went down and dominoed a few people at the base of the climb. Riders were all over the pavement trying to get through.

Possibly Dan and whoever stopped with him have joined back on at the back there cresting the Huy? Let's hope!

Oh Dan. It's very all or nothing with Dan.

Cyclingnews say Dan crossed the Huy a minute down on the peloton so I guess that wasn't him following close behind. He's got two teammates keeping him company. Come on Dan!

I can't cope. I really want Dan to win now.

I am too sentimental for bike racing. It's all so emotional.

Aww Dan, he's hanging at the back. This is like the Fleche Martin. Or Dan Wallonne?

But honestly nothing else is going on.

Wee Pete Kennaugh on the front. But (wee) Dan Martin at the back. He's got Bling Matthews for company though.

We're headin' back to Bellaire. (I actually don't know the lyrics to that theme tune).

I would support more black shorts/white jersey combos. I am IN LOVE with Kwiato's rainbow kit and Wee Pete Kennaugh looks equally cool in his Engerland whites.

The break is breaking apart. Seems De Ghent is pushing the pace and dropping people left and right.

People coming unhitched in the peloton too.

An OPQSer driving the pace for Kwiato up front. Some Sky's right behind.

Etixx-QuickStep join the pace-making with world champion Michal Kwiatkowski sitting comfortably in second wheel. A number of riders are being dumped out the back of the bunch by this forcing, though Dan Martin is still safely aboard. Cyclingnews know there's only two people I care about.

Break is down to five men with 3 minutes 15.

Oh my GOD. NOT PHILGIL TOO!!!!!

He's reluctant to get back on. He's not even pedalling and they're just shoving him down the road. Missing half his shorts.

Chris Jones got in the UHC car. Sad face.

Oh Phil. He's had to abandon. Why are kindly-faced people being hurt all the time all of a sudden!!?

I thought up the title earlier in the day but now I think I've somehow hexed everyone.

Katusha are really fancying their luck today. They've been on the front all day.

Gap is down to under 2 minutes.

EVERY TIME I click back over to the feed someone else is on the floor!!!!

Anthony Roux looks to be out, as does Wout Poels. And there was a BMC in a ditch there for awhile.

And Ben King AGAIN.

Reporting everyone but Anthony Roux is up and chasing. The BMC was Amael Moinard.

A lovely u-turn around a picturesque farmhouse here. Provided everyone stays upright and no one pitches over round the bend.

Man, looks like they're pounding along here.

Not waiting around for our man Dan who I think has been distanced.

YOU ARE KIDDING ME.

Now it's Jelle on the floor!!!

And a Katusha that seems very injured.

Jelle is just sat on a bench on the side of the road now.

Meanwhile the break are onto the Huy again.

Is it Bretagne-Seche wearing Garmin-like colours? Confusing.

People are making moves now. I think the Witch Doctor just went off the front over the top of the Huy.

Oh my goodness. Someone (I think the Katusha) was just being loaded into the ambulance on a stretcher.

Ah it's LL Sanchez and Giovanni Visconti away with I think the UHC from the original break, who's dropped back.

So just 2 up the road with 39 seconds and 27k to go.

OPQS are out in force on the front to try and shut that down.

Those three have caught the front two.

Arrowage IS better.

Tony the Tank Engine is instructing his troops.

Awwwww Jelle has abandoned.

I mean he couldn't really have been expected to go on without Phil.

Lots of competing trains here at the front.

WHAAAAAAT? Attack Tejay Van??!!!!! YAAAAAS!!

OPQS killin' it with Kwiato looking very comfortable up there.

It's now just LL Sanchez and Visconti away ahead.

16k to go.

Tejay is out for the kill though.

Aww looks like the catch for Teej.

But I mean you can't outrun OPQS. That's like, one of the laws of nature.

Etixx-QuickStep have been very prominent in leading the peloton. They have understandable trust in the prospects of world champion and Amstel Gold Race winner Michal Kwiatkowski.

An enormous pileup. All of IAM, some BMCs, Froomey.

Froomey's back up but with a huge wound on his ass.

And reports one of the BMCs was Sammy Sanchez.

This is just insanity now.

7.4k to go. Gentlemen, start your engines.

They're on this new Cote de Cherave now. Kwiato sittin' pretty.

Of course the Shark attacks.

And Tim Wellens now trying something!!

Carouso from Katusha giving chase but Lotto-Soudal love a solo heroic!

2.5k to go. Mur de Huy comes at 1.3k.

He'll need a bit of time at the start of the climb but it's going out a bit!

Oh god he's there.

A GreenEdge tried a move but my god is it hard out there. He's caught almost immediately.

Belgian Ted is caught. A select peloton all together now!

This is killing me, I want to cover my eyes like it's a horror film!!

Oh no. It IS like a horror film. Valv.Piti is pulling ahead.

There's a GreenEdge and and OPQS on his shoulder but they can't seem to come round him!!

There's a Garmindale too!

NOOOO I HATE THIS AFTER ALL THAT.

What a waste of a day.

Fucking NICE ONE from Alaphilippe though! Well done young padawan!

And TJ Butcher in for 9th!

Small victories, I guess. To Liege!

The Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow

Amstel Gold:

MANY hours still to go til live coverage, but of course we've got a break going.

Of note: Mike Terpstra, baby bro of Niki!

And not even the first Mike Terpstra that comes up on Google.

There was also possibly the greatest name in cycling there for a minute, Johann Van Van Zyl, but the extra Van turned out to be a typo. Alas.

The wait for live coverage is always a bit of a bitch.

I thought I was watching a Dutch soap opera. I was momentarily enthralled. Whoever that man was had a very dramatic face.

I'm not sure what this programming is. It's a bunch of dudes running around in short pink shorts to the sounds of "I'm Too Sexy".  Not this, I'm afraid. That I could get on board with.

Jelle and Dennis have both taken a tumble but are back in the peloton.

I wish they'd stop mentioning that Lotto-Jumbo are the only WT team without a win so far this season. THEY TRY SO HARD.

Has England won something?? Why are they playing God Save the Queen??

Oh it's the podiums of something Superbike. COME ON. CHANGE COVERAGE.

Oh god. It's Carlton Kirby.

Oh but Dan Lloyd too, he tends to be decent.

Bauke and Frank Schleck signing on there.

MICHAL!!!!

Burghy standing next to PhilGil.

Koen de Kort smiling, obvs.

WEE PETE KENNAUGH.

Almost literally everyone in this race is amazing.

The Blaireau just shot off a gun.

It was all a bit too much there for a moment with that catch-up. My heart nearly exploded.

Woah.

Aww man down. A Giant and Jelle got a bit tangled on that corner. Nothing major it didn't look like.

Very little is going on at the moment. The break is still out, the peloton are moving along at a very swift pace behind.

BURGHY leading the way!!

He loves a yellow shoe, Burghy. So easy to identify at distance.

Carlton Kirby's commentary has a realllll somnambulant quality. He's talking AT LENGTH about boiled sweets right now.

GOSSY IS HERE?!!  GO GOSSY.

Movistar are all over the front but I don't care to mention that because I don't care to mention ValvPiti possibly 'winning' this.

Mike Terpstra should probably start writing his autobiography, Miki Not Niki, as soon as possible.

Bike racers, they're just like us.

LARS BOOM LET YOU DOWN?!!!?!? SHUT UP CARLTON KIRBY.  That MURDER stage of the TdF and FIFTH in Paris-Roubaix isn't GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!!

"I thought it was an attack but it was just Marcus Burghardt coming to the front for a second." So manly. His regular bike riding looks like attacking.

Gap down to 1'30 now.

BMC are SWARMING all over the front. It seems like they've fielded a larger team than everyone else.

What a bunch of dudes.

Some Wanty Group Gouberts went off road there and onto a bike path. They were kind of trapped behind a hedge and seemed panicked but cut back through eventually.

A GreenEdge shoved a camera bike out of Michal's face just then. Oh it's kicking off.

FUCKING HELL. The bike was trying to wave off a car (AGAIN!) and managed to drift back and almost TAKE OUT POOR MICHAL.

OH.

INJURIES AND MENACE between Roy Curvers and an IAM.

Reynes has a coming together at the back of the peloton with a Giant-Alpecin rider. Couldn't see who it was but Reynes kindly identifies him as 'asshole' as they exchange a few frank words before riding off again. 

Meanwhile, Burghy still killin' it up front. Even the useless commentary team have noticed and are praising him.

Big GreenEdge presence at the front now.

Oh my god that pennant man is taking his life into his own hands. He's standing in the middle of a traffic island as 200 bike riders speed towards him with nothing but a flag to protect himself. COME AT ME BRO.

Who was that piss taker trying to cut that corner??

The break has alternately 14 seconds and 3'30 minutes, depending on the tv graphic.

Probably being run by Carlton Kirby, who has no insight into bike racing and therefore can ONLY talk about how there haven't really been crashes. FOR HOURS ON END.

I hope BMC aren't doing a Sky and working away all day up front only to have nothing left at the end.

OOOOP. ATTACK.

An IAM, a GreenEdge, and a BMC walk into a bar...

Tony Martin is also there??!

Yikes they got some air there.  IAM and Simon Clarke with the remnants of the breakaway ahead.

Behind them a bit are Tony, the BMC and a Garmindale with two others?

Lots of Astanas in the chase group too.

One of which is THE SHARK OF MESSINA.

ALEX HOWES IS IN THE CHASE GROUP?!!!!

That Tour of Azerbaijan promo music doesn't do anything to calm my already swiftly beating heart.

Awww Lotto-Jumbo's luck continues, Wilco Keldermann went off road in a big way.

IAM and GreenEdge away alone up front now.

Ugh you can see that 22% gradient.

10 seconds behind those front two are Nibali et al.

Man alive they're right on them actually.

Peloton at near a minute behind that.

OH MY GOD.

TERRIBLE WIPE OUT AT THE CORNER

AWWWW the Astana that's not Nibali went down and BMC Damiano Caruso!!

God meanwhile racing is ON. The Nibali group caught the front two and Nibali tried an attack but all together now.

Alex Howes fighting like a beast.

Nibali is gesturing all OVER the place.

I know he's won the Tour de France, but he also makes a lot of misguided, useless attacks. Not sure I'd follow his game plan.

Despite the shouting. Which is still going on.

Everyone shovelling gels down before the Cauberg.

32 seconds with 23k to go.

Tony Martin is looking so chill on this climb.

Awww but Alex looks like he's coming unhitched.

BMC STOMPING up the hill.

Oh what a terrible image of Alex out in no man's land.

And being swallowed up by the BMC train.

BMC ARE KILLLLLLLLLLIN'. It is so strung out!

Oooof, they're gonna make the catch.

Nibali, naturally, making one last go for it.

Simon Clark and Tony Martin go with.

Weirdness abounds.  Tony just shook his head at Nibali and now Simon Clark has gone away alone.

Amazing. Nibali seemed to gesture 'Well YOU go then', and Clark did.

13k but still 2 climbs.

"BMC aren't going to stop until they've got everybody back." That makes them sound like a killing squad. Which they kind of are.

OMFG Luke Rowe as if I could love you more.

Legitimately the pro peloton are reading my mind.

How do BMC still have so many guys left?!!?

FUCKING HELL HE SAID IT AGAIN!!

AND LITERALLY AGAIN I CAN'T DEAL.

Simon Clarke caught. All together.

Wee Jakob goes away with Greg VanAv!

There's a few a bit behind them too, possibly Nathan Haas included??

But looks like that group is basically caught.

Yeah they're caught.

Jakob and Greg then, at 6k with 6 seconds.

('Last time of asking', once more)

(SERIOUSLY again.)

(I could kill this man.)

Ooof five seconds for those two. I mean, they're practically on them.

4k, this is insane.

Caught.

GreenEdge and BMC trains fighting at the front.

Kwiato is sitting on the back of the GreenEdge train.

GREEN EDGE AHEAD BUT

BEN HERMANS LEADING OUT SOMETHING

GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF THERE

OH PHILGIL GOING GOING GOING

MICHAEL MATTHEWS STAYING ON HIS WHEEL

PHILGIL IS STAYING AHEAD

Kwiato is flagging in the back...

OH MY CHRIST

ugh valverde going

PHILGIL getting Michael Matthews to ride in front

FLAMME ROUGE

OH FUCK

Kwaito right behind with something from Katusha

There are so many people up there

Weaving over the road

There's like 20 people suddenly now

Wee Jakob got up there

There's a Garmindale there.  DAN MARTIN

Weaving bobbing

COME ON BMC!!!!!

COME ON KWAITO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


THEY THOUGHT HE COULDN'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!


I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He looks like he's weeping into a teammate's shoulder!!

AND A FIST BUMP with someone!

Fucking hell he came from far back!

But that initial shot was really deceptive!! He's like a full bike length up!

Tim knows.

He looked back before raising his arms up! How cute!

"A very pleasant young man", Dan Lloyd has just described him as. HEARTS.

I don't know what Elia is saying, but I AGREE!!!

Driven Ronde the Bend

Ronde Van Vlaanderen:

IT IS HERE.

I feel like this dude at the back.

Nom nom nom.

Oh Matt! And he's in the breakaway right now. GO MATT.

Oh Tommmmmmmmm! WE MISS YOU!

Brammeier won the beer sprint after 34km in Sint-Eloois-Winkel, earning his weight in beer. That's 73 litres of Steene Molen beer. There is nothing I don't like about that statement.

It is a real stinker of a commentating team today. Possibly the worst in history: Carlton Kirby and Sean Kelly. We will try to discern something of value from this. Or put it on mute and figure it out ourselves.

I want this on my wall.

So yeah we've got this seven man break going at 6 and a half minutes. No one of note aside from Matt Brammeier.

And Jesse Sergent, who is part of the #SpartacusArmy, one of the greatest hashtags and creations of modern times.

And I guess also this guy who's clearly wandered out of a fable: Dylan Groenewegen from Roompot.

And Clement Venturini, the 19th century magician.

Sky is all over the front. Spottin' Viviani and Knees up there.

I think it was family favourite Sean de Bie just doing some ballet on his bike there. Looked like he hoisted his leg over the handle bars to the other side for some undetermined reason.

They've just described Sep as 'explosive' which is a real jinx for someone who can't stay on secure tires EVER.

Martin Elmiger on the back here in that stylish Swiss champs jersey.

All of Team Sky-- except Bernie, who's ridin' around gorgeously at the back-- is on the front here. First spot of Le Crow, and G having a massive massive snack.

Breakaway is onto the Kwaremont. WAHOOOO.

Brad took a dive there.

For fucking real. He took himself out and I wouldn't be surprised if he abandons later.

Le Crow and Viviani chattin' about it up front.

Brad has brought NOTHING to this team for so long. GOOD RIDDANCE.

This is amazing!!!! I've never been such a fan of Cadel!

P. Van Heke has launched an attack. No pressure, but... he's Belgian.

Poor Bernie, he's been given the deeply unenviable task of ushering Bernie back to the group. I hope Bernie is on a really high salary. Like, with extra combat pay.

Stopping and going here at the back.

Did Brad have another mechanical? Is this the Ronde Van Brad's Bikes?

He's back on what they insist on calling the 'comfort machine', which sounds perverse.

Ian Stannard has noticeably wide shoulders. Beast man.

Cokey Tom says with a twinkle in his eye that Niki is gonna go for a solo win.

G's noticeable white sunglasses in the bunch there. Hey G!

Preben Van Heke being reeled back in here.

Otherwise little of note. Basically Knees has been riding on the front all day.

Ooop a change here as we come back from the commercial. IAM all over the front now.

Luca having a bike change there I think. Get back Luca!

Looks like Matt Brammeier is pulling away from the breakaway group. Are there more beer-sponsored primes ahead?

Ah he's been caught. Alas.

Luca finally got back on here at the back. Whew. He didn't look too fussed but I was concerned.

Luca Paolini kinda reminds me of Tim Roth. Is that weird?

GreipelThighs has launched an attack on the Molenberg, taken about 8 guys with him.

Buuuuut they're already back together.

3'24'' for the breakaway in the meantime.

Oh my god what's happening.

Ok clearly there must be a crash in the middle of the road but all you saw was ALL OF THE PELOTON suddenly jumping off to the side onto the grass verge, bikes in hand, and RUNNING up in the gutter to get around.

An MTN is down for the count I think.

WHAT THE FUCK. A Shimano car just TOOK OUT one of the breakaways. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!!

Jesse Sergent it was. What the hell. That is so fucked up.

Awwww he's in the car now. He's holding his arm, supporting his shoulder.

Nothing to see here, Pippo is disrobing. They save these clips to calm the mob when CARS RUN OVER BIKE RIDERS.

OPQS on the front a bit here. Matteo Trentin for sure. Think Iljo is there.

GVK chasing onto the back as he had a puncture.

Luca's stopped at the back here for some reason. Maybe he was waiting for Kristoff? It wasn't clear he had any problems himself.

Bernie has taken his rightful place up front now. Just at the time that everyone is taking off their warmers and exposing their arms. Easy ladies.

Sky here, OPQS, apparently Giant though I don't see them.

Bernie just threw his bottle off to the side, likely making a small child's day.

WHAT THE ACTUAL. SOMEONE ELSE HAS BEEN HIT BY A CAR.

By neutral service AGAIN.

Only good bit of commentary there: "Well the neutral service cars, hardly neutral there."

A Lotto and a Europcar have gone away here.

I think Fab is on cuz I already don't understand Trek's tweets.

Bernie is strategising up front like the master tactician he is. Hopefully he will rip off that joke spy beard he's been wearing.

When Sky eat whatever it is they're eating from those wrappers it looks like they're holding delicate little handkerchiefs to their mouths like scandalised Southern women.

For some reason we're focussing on this third group on the road. It's unclear as to why. It's a bunch of wildcard teams just hanging off the back. WHO CARES.

Breakaway still has just over 2 minutes in hand.

Shit's going down on the Kanarienberg.

GVK has been sent up to some group cuz he's a superstar.

Styby at the back, chasing back on without issue.

Also without a tooth? What is happening.

Cokey Tom talking about the Paterberg. Apparently the first time round you can 'rely on your explosivity'. But "The second time, you're already dead." He is so excellent.

Burgy at the back, a bit too close to a neutral service car for my liking. SAVE YOURSELF BURGY.

AND NOW AN AWNING IS FALLING ON THE PELOTON.

This is just fucking farce.

Sky are pulling pulling pulling like beasts now.

Well that GVK chase group has been reeled in which is good cuz I actually never figured out where they were on the road.

Will they? Fabianese is more indistinguishable than I remember.

Ummmmm. I'm obsessed with this.

Back onto the Kwaremont for Bak and Gaudin. But the peloton is less than a minute away.

Things breaking up here.

Debuscherre trying to get away here with an OPQS.

But the peloton are right there.

I think someone just threw a confetti cannon in Gaudin's face.

But I guess that spurred him on cuz he's left Bak behind and is alone out front now.

This double-entendre-heavy commentary has got me thinking Cokey Tom's mention of a 'front unit' is something NSFW.

GreipelThighs on the attack again.

Oh no!! Matteo Tretin is down!

Ughhhh people coming unclipped and SUFFERING up the Koppenberg.

Oh it's like old school, everyone is off their bikes and mountaineering up.

Is this Le Crow leading the peloton now?? If he does a job like San Remo it's gonna be gorgeous here.

G is lingering not far behind.

We've had to switch to French commentary now. Might get better.

Well Wee Sylvain has joined GreipelThighs so they have lots to talk about.

Well let's hope there are no mechanicals for Trek now.

William Bonnet just manfully leading Arnaud Demare off the road and giving him his bike.

Me-ow.

And as forecast, Greipel and Chava caught.

NIKI!!!!! IS THIS THE ONE THEY CALL BOONENBERG?!?!!!!?

We're on the Taaianberg btw.

BAUER, THOMAS, TERPSTRA. KILL ME.

GregVanAv launched one. Followed by Le Crow at least.

Le Crow trying to convey something in French I think.

Seems to have worked.

Styby up there now.

They're saying Niki is 'piege', which I hate. IS HE?!!

Is it a mechanical or what?!

G IS ON THE MOVE BACK THERE.

KILL IT LE CROW. KILL IT.

That weird trio that was hanging off the front with Greg VanAv has been caught.

This Lampre keeps trying to get off the front. YOU CAN'T GET AWAY FROM LE CROW.

KRUISBERG.

Styby is 'surveying' G.

Awwww, Le Crow has done his duty and is spent. G alone.

OPQS going off the front. Looks like Niki to me.

But they won't confirm.

Where is Sep?!?! The commentators don't even know if he's WAY off the back or shooting off the front. This is stupid.

Fab knows.

Piege my ASS, I KNOW NIKI WHEN I SEE HIM.

He is AWAY ALONE with Kristoff.

NIKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

DO A NIKI, Niki!

Back in the group behind, Le Crow got back on!!!! LONG LIVE LE CROW!!

16 seconds the Niki group has.

THE GAP IS GOING UP.

21k and 30 seconds.

Oh Sep, on the lonely chase in nowheresville.

Apparently Kristoff is scared of John Degenkolb. WOULDN'T YOU BE!? THE MAN IS A BEAST.

Le Crow, G, Styby all on the front of the Contenders group.

Oh my god we're on the Kwaremont.

G IS GOING FOR THE KILL WITH STYBY

Don't look back G, you're AWAY!

NIKI is murdering!

G is just such a badass.

Niki is just thrashing his way up this climb.

G and Styby caught now. MEH.

Yeah make Kristoff do some work Niki.

These chasers are about 20 seconds back. Maybe 15 of them, max.

VanAv launches.

Forrrrr nothing.

Oh my god they keep talking about safety in numbers, NO WE DON'T WANT THAT.

I love this.

ON TO THE PATERBERG FOR NIKI

More fucking confetti cannons in the face, this time for Kristoff.

VanAv off the front of the second group

Johnny D is in his wheel.

WHERE IS NIKI

Oh my god 12k

Sagan is with Greg VanAv behind Niki and Kristoff.

Fab says the chasing group is splitting apart and this favours Niki and Kristoff. PLEASE.

There's no more climbs now. oh god how will this end.

10k.

I'd watch that show.

8K of STRAIGHT ROAD ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!!?!?!

The gaps are staying the exact same.

They're going out those second two, Sagan and VanAv.

5k

They're letting it go out and out back there.

This is the weirdest finish.

Apparently Niki is saying by not launching "moi nonplus j'ai pas envie de faire 12ieme de Tour de Flandres."

3.5k

This is so tense.

How do you even do this. I don't know how you even do this, mentally/tactically/etc.

Ca crie dans les oreilles hein? Et dans le coeur.

1.5k

FLAMME ROUGE.

FAB IS ON YOUR SIDE. DO A FAB!

This camera angle is terrible WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Meh. Looked like Niki tried but Kristoff was too strong.

MEH.

Arnaud Demare: 'Meilleur Français but will be be in the top 20?' SO FRENCH.

Well Niki had a similar run-up to Roubaix last year and WON, so I'll take one of those please!

Update: I want "I've lost my teeth" to become an expression of excitement. Like "I had such a great time!"