Round the World Roundup

First off, do we still consider the following events 'news'?

1) What's that you say? I've won another US Champs Time Trial?  The only reason he didn't win last year is cuz he didn't compete.  That's the way Dave Z does it.

2) Other constant-winner and father of a hilarious podium baby PhilGil gets another bouteille for his efforts.  That face says 'Thanks. I didn't have any of these.'

Despite the near-inevitability of both wins (and all future wins, in all disciplines), I can only say this. 


Elsewhere, in an undisclosed location somewhere in the Alps, Leopards are doing recon.  Bring on the TDF!


Meanwhile, in Italia:

Thank god the Giro's over.  Russ Downing took on his first grand tour and the grand tour almost won.  Also, I've just been on wikipedia, and his nickname is Fonzy?? We're gonna need to talk about that at some point.

Not sure how I feel about this, (shouldn't he be banned??) but does the image remind anyone else of the end of Mario 64?

While the situation is a sticky one, should we really be taking out our issues in this manner? It's just so passive aggressive.

Oh David Millar, you hipster you.  He SO nearly calls on someone to man up at the end! It's like his default setting.   


The US is splitting it's time between the rather excellent US Championships and the rather tedious and certainly sort of shiftly-looking business about drugs.  Seriously, I’m not subscribing to the Armstrong tactic of Discredit your Enemies, but does Tyler Hamilton look a wee bit mental there? Like, seriously?

In Flandis, Take 2, we've not got the good stuff about really specialist olive oil or the hilarious embarrassment of this episode, but Tyler Hamilton did once suggest he was a chimera. I'm not quite sure how to come back from that.

So far we've not had David Millar call on anyone to man up, but we'll wait for some quotables to match last time's "I would advise him to look for help. When I’m talking about professional help, I’m not talking about lawyers. I’m talking about other help."

This is too amazing not to share.  I guess maybe the answer to his first question is uhh, people who like cycling?  I could equally dismiss a doping scandal in football as 'one guy who took drugs so he could run faster down a fake field in plastic shoulders."  But besides being no fan of cycling, he is also clearly no fan of the government.  That's amazing and comes out of fucking nowhere.


And to end on a positive note, please enjoy Ted King's childish delight at the end of this clip.

Slow news day.

Of course this guy is a BMC fan.

Nice to know that Lay-oh-pard keep it real and fly coach. And also that Fab is a 'good seat neighbor'.

The Giro is lovely.

Which one is d'Artagnan?

I wasn’t lying about yesterday's sumo wrestlers.

Um hello japes: Charly Wegelius took a giant foam finger from a spectator, dropped to the back of the pelaton, and signaled for service with it.  AMAZE.

Crowd noise: “Keep going strong, keep going strong, I love breakaways, keep going, come on!”

Uh I hope Charly was just having a bit of fun with Johan Van Summeren there.  Otherwise, is he drunk on today’s stage?  I hope they’re friends, cuz I’m not sure if Charly’s gestures translate in a very pleasant way.

Oh Johan’s giggling. I can’t imagine it was a serious problem then.

Brian Holm is preeeetty awesome.  He answered a lot of stupid questions very politely, then Ned said they had to go and he was like “Oookaay, ciao ciao.”  I like when they go in the team car, you get Phil shouting “eyes on the road!” or this delight.

Team TheShack is so dominant.  Though I suppose that’s to be expected from a team founded by Lance Armstrong. 

Ooh the breakaway group is starting to attack each other.

Geography with Phil and Paul is slightly mental. “Keep the sea on the right, you can’t go wrong!”

They are just shooting all over the road with these attacks.

“The messing around by this breakaway” has meant that Lay-oh-pard and Rabobank chasers have caught them.

Caught them and passed them.

Ooh an anonymous Leopard has just given Linus Gerdemann his bike. 

Fuglsang it was.  Some of the Leopards really resemble each other: Andy, Linus, and even Jakob all sort of have a weird similarity on the bike. Further supporting my theory that the Schlecks only hire people that look like them.

God the pelaton is right on top of them.

Aww they’ve been caught and the Rabobank and Lay-oh-pard chasers shook hands. 

Tejay’s pretty badass, he’s just right up in there when it kicks up.

“Bernie Eisel, the mastermind."

Very shovey at the moment. Hey Sagan, that’s not how we do it in America.  Actually it totally is.

Oh HTC has dropped off the front. That’s disappointing.

THAT WAS AWESOME!

HTC had dropped off and then OUT OF NOWHERE there was Leigh Howard and Matt Goss and they just POWERED UP and took the win!  HELL YEAH MATT GOSS.

Sagan is incredibly impressive though; he just pushes right up on pure strength and nearly got it today.

“And HTC, they ride like they always do; they ride like a bunch of musketeers.”

Two bald men on Mt Baldy. There's gotta be a joke there.

A bit more on yesterday’s excellence before we move on to Stage 6:

Maybe not the best podium ever (I mean the pig, the trident, and this completely not photoshopped nonsense are all hard to beat) but certainly fantastic stuff.  Go Team America!

Also, let's please revisit adorable Waylon Zabriskie’s previous time on the podium, just for fun.

And just a quick note on that other nonsense. Why is everyone always trying to shit all over the Tour of California? Flandis was the bearer of weird news at exactly this time last year, and right on schedule, here comes Tyler Hamilton.  "I just love bikes so much, I absolutely have to tarnish the sport the only time people in America are paying attention."

And as for the leaked and/or made up grand jury business, all I can say is this:  As Daily Peloton suggests, the only thing George Hincapie ever tested positive for is massive charm.

Moving on.

Today we’re atop Mount Baldy. Which is not a derisive nickname for Levi, Chris Horner, Stuey, or Fake Stuey.

Well Ned Boulting and Matt Rendell are engaging in the completely pointless game of ‘how is Hamilton different to Hincapie?’, but they have at least drawn attention to the fact that this stuff about George is essentially total hearsay and we should probably just hold the phone a second on all the witch burning.

Ooops, I spoke too soon; they’ve brought on Frankie Andreau to say that Hamilton coming out 'lends weight and credibility' to Flandis’ stupidity of yesteryear.  Interesting take. I’m more inclined to agree with the headline I saw this morning: ‘Do two liars make a truth?’

To the race.

Heading into Mt Baldy there is “steep, endless, broken road.” Something to look forward to.

George in a breakaway, that’s what I like to see. 

Ted King meanwhile, is coming unhitched.  About to be picked up by the turkey vultures.

Amazing! On an earlier descent the bikes caught up with the cars cuz they were going faster than the cars could!

Everyone’s dumping water on themselves then calling to the teamcar. It’s about 80 F with no breeze.

“Everywhere Horner looks, there’s a potential threat. And a dark horse, and a wildcard.” Quite the colorful landscape out there.

Cam Wurf was just a bit hysterical. I think he was looking round for the team car, but it looked like he suddenly came out of a daydream and was like ‘what, WHAT? Where AM I?’

Yeah yeah, it’s higher and longer than Alpe D’Huez, but is Frank Schleck at the top of it?

That was deeply frightening. There was like ‘rider vision’ on that descent and it was so fast and insane I felt a bit sick.

Andrew Talansky is not pleased.  He just shouted very aggressively at the motorbike cam up ahead “COME ON!”

Uh, Ned Boulting and Matt Rendell are calling them Team Leopard. As in the animal. Did you get that memo? That breaks ALL THE RULES. And I can tell you weren’t using all caps.

Cruelty! The buses can’t go all the way up the mountain cuz there’s no space, so there they are parked on the side of the road.  At the end of the day, the riders have to do the descent to get back to the team bus.

Grischa is quite an interesting name.  (Grischa Niermann of Rabobank is going past) 

Brutal pacing by TheShack going on.

Stay strong George!! 

Oooh the catch.  Shite.

There’s like 3 riders left in the pelaton.  The rest have just been left to die at the base of the mountain.

Overheard crowd noise: “Hell yeah dude!” This race is so American.

Hey Tejay! He’s in the elite group!

Ummm "Rocking and rolling there as the Pope has come down to bless the race the afternoon.  And quite a good athlete he is too."

Other costumes seen up here on Baldy. Two sumo wrestlers, DEATH, a giant parrot, and Nixon in purple underwear.  Am I on something?

Tejay’s coming unhitched.  

 And Andy! I too, Phil, 'can’t believe this is going to happen'. More psychological warfare?

Ooh Andy’s back on.  Tejay not so much.

Matty Busche’s certainly impressive. But what do you expect from a guy talent spotted by TheShack after one season.

God Andy’s off again!  Now he’s being passed by Tejay and some other people.  This is a weird thing to see, I’ll be honest.  I don’t like it.

I’m being serious, I always suspected the reason George never became like a superstar was because, as a rather tall man, he was carrying allll that extra body up the road. And anyway all I’m saying is that Levi and Chris Horner are riding away on their own, and it’s no coincidence that they both moonlight on Little People, Big World.

Andy is NOWHERE.

The Shack Elves have left everyone waaaay behind.

Phil, they are not ‘head and shoulders’ above anybody today.  Don’t draw attention to it!

They really are very petite.

If Chris Horner did want to start a Lance/Bertie feud, he could go for the win today after Levi did all that work…

Aww damn, it was a little sweet when they crossed holding hands.

Of course we’ve immediately gone to the TOTAL SADNESS of Andy way down the road, being passed by everyone and their mum.  Good god.

Ha, Matt Rendell’s ever more quotable: “We should be fearing him [Andy] in July precisely because he’s doing so badly now.”

Uhhh why is Levi getting a giant check for 5000 dollars? 

We don’t do French bashing here, but looking at the GC is slightly amazing.  All top 5 positions are held by Americans. You don't get that for the French at the Tour de France.

The Race of Truth

 Stage 5:

Oh dear, as if the coverage couldn’t get any worse, we’ve now got Ned Boulting and Matt Rendell endlessly in-joking with Chris Boardman. Help.

So…

Today’s Time Trial is NOT being held in Soledad as I initially misremembered.  I did think the guard towers would’ve added a weird element.  But anyway, Solvang is where we are today.  I think they should’ve had it in Salinas, cuz then Phil and Paul could’ve told us fun facts about John Steinbeck all day.  And anyway there’s already this very helpful map, specially made for geeks. Get ready, AToC 2012.

I love a Time Trial.  Maybe because Dave Z is really good at them, and I love Dave Z.

Uhh is Team Sky gonna win EVERYTHING?? (Ian Stannard is currently leading)  I suppose since they didn’t win EVER in their first year, and in the meanwhile they bought up a load of good riders, they have something coming to them.

Zirbel is having some sort of attack. He just yelled 'FUCK' and then 'JESUS CHRIST'. But he's still riding... It seems like he's having a fit.  Phil and Paul seem to think it’s a problem with his handlebars, which I'm not buyin'.  Paris-Roubaix 2006 tells us: you know it when you’ve lost your handlebars.

Oh shit, his saddle’s gone wrong. He’s just standing by the side of the road as they fix it. Man I’d be yelling over that too. That’s just blown everything.

They're saying mechanicals are rare but I can think of two awful times in recent memory. I enjoy how David Millar is typically quotable about his mishap: "It wasn't a problem with my chain ring; it was a problem with my team." MAN UP.

Yeah Jakob!  Fast timesplit being reported. That translated to second place at the finish (currently).

George is on the start ramp. He's getting MASSIVE cheers and sporting a five o’clock shadow.

Aww they’re drawing attention to the fact the Swiss Time Trial Champion won in a year that Fab didn’t compete, and thus ‘has something to prove’.   You just wouldn’t want to be the guy they call ‘the OTHER Swiss bike rider’.

Kenda Five Hour Energy have weird (slightly ugly) kits. Like up there with the poo brown of AG2R and Footon Servetto.

I mean you can just tell by looking at him that Dave Z is better at time trialing than everyone else.

FUCK YEAH 30.35! NO ONE is gonna be able to beat that.
 

VDV doesn’t look very aero.  He’s got like a shark fin sticking out of his back.  Seriously. What’s going on there?

Tom Danielson’s got it too.  Wtf?

I’m not sure they should be making such a big thing about Andy Schleck being the national Time Trial Champion. I mean Frankie is already Road Race Champion and there are only so many pro cyclists in Luxembourg.

Ahhh, the mysterious Garmin shark fin is ‘some sort of camelbak’ according to Paul. Assuming you don't know what a camelbak is, that makes it sound even weirder.

Yeah, 'nobody has the aerodynamics of Levi Leipheimer' cuz everyone else is REGULAR SIZED.

Oh HELL YES Tejay, second place! (for now)

I mean I know Lance was derisively calling him Pistolero on Twitter and Bertie was giving the silent treatment, but how come nobody makes any issue about Levi Leipheimer and Chris Horner racing against each other at AToC? Levi may not have left Chris stranded at the hotel on the morning of the time trial, but it's essentially the same, right?

Again, why are we freaking out about Andy’s skills on the Time Trial. I thought we sorta knew the Schlecks prefer the mountains. 

Uhh, does Matt Rendell fancy Dave Z?  “There’s something graceful about him but he’s also very masculine.” (he might’ve said 'muscular' there, but whatever he was saying he was kinda saying it like a creepster).

I know Levi lives and trains in California, but why is everyone talking about him like he’s the only American in this race and thus deserves to win everything. The way they're ignoring him, you’d think Dave Z was a foreigner.

Right, everyone's come through and the verdict is in:  Dave Z rules. FACT.

I prefer the penny-farthing.

The Giro's descending into mayhem. What is going on there? It's like Slappers Only.  They've got nothing on Barredo with his bike wheel, injuries and menace.

Tyler Hamilton has made some statements. I expect David Millar to call on him to "man up" at any moment.  David Millar loves nothing more than manning up.

Aaaand some Friday fun: Much like the modern day bike rider, this giraffe-rabbit (?) can do many things whilst riding. Here of course it's not eating or putting on a rain jacket so much as smoking a pipe and prepping for a big paint job.

Japes!

Neon leads the way.

AToC Stage 4:

Unseen carnage: Alex Dowsett and about six others had a crash earlier.  I mention him in particular because he has hemophilia and that must be slightly frightening at times like these. Phil and Paul are saying he’s abandoned, along with Thor, Kurt A-A, and one half of Team Jacques-Maynes!

On we go...

Ted King’s right up front!

Phil and Paul are now suggesting that if you drop off the back you’ll be picked up by a turkey vulture.  They really have an issue with this.

Oooh the chase is on and it’s Leaky-gas leading the way.

What? That sucks! Denifl has just flatted and it’s Friere out on his own now. Maybe he'll take inspiration from yesterday’s lone wolf Ryder Hesjedal. Or the best lone breakaway EVA.

The Bernie Eisel train is catching up to Oscar Friere…

Oh no! Brent Bookwalter and the OTHER Jacques-Maynes have just gone down. 

Phil has some advice to breakaway artists about to be caught by the pelaton: "Stick to your guns, don't look over your shoulder, there’s always a chance they’ll get confused."

I’m sorry, how does anyone expect this bike race to be taken seriously when in the place of L’Alpe D’Huez, the Tourmalet, and Morzine Avoriaz, we have Mount Baldy.

God it’s like they're sprinting already!  What a crazy pace!

And there’s the catch. Oscar has been picked up by the neon LG train.

GEORGE!

WHAT!? He came out of NOWHERE up onto the pavement I swear and just went for it full gas!  Way to offroad it George!!

“A cheeky move by Big George” indeed.

Aww, caught again.

Yesss, Sagan! Perhaps he’ll smile on the podium today.

Yeah he just did a wheelie. 

“The size of his thighs is what went against him yesterday.” Though it makes sense, what a weird thing to say about someone.  

They must've finished way before the predicted time today, though not as brutally as that excellent time in 1971.  I think Phil and Paul said the finish hadn't even set up when Ocana rolled in.

A good day to be a French-American.

Just a couple of things to liven up the afternoon:

AG2R got a win yesterday at the Giro in the form of John Gadret. Even Nica Roche had typically enthused, nice things to say.  I'm glad he's finally got over this.  And I'm glad they haven't let their poo-brown shorts keep them down.

George offers up a camp stance and some fashion advice at the AToC.  I hope everyone's wearing Hincapie Sportswear.

Ted King wonders on his most excellent website how many times people can confuse him and Ben King.  Glad to know it's not just my dad.

On that note, is it just cuz George Hincapie is so tall that Ben King looks so small in the US Champs jersey?

Who doesn't like Christophe Le Mevel after reading this story?  And that's before you even consider that David Millar admires him for his 'panache'.  And he started the Giro with a bronchial infection? That's hardcore.  Obviously everyone's favorite Frenchman is Team Sass' star rider little Thomas Voeckler, but you've gotta love this: "We want to prove that a Frenchman can do it." Gauntlet thrown. 

Uhhh, is Martinelli being mistranslated here?  It's all a bit ridiculous anyway and then he starts in with Pantani and the paintbrush, or whatever, and I just lose all sense of what he's on about.  Maybe he's had too much bad meat at Pistolero's Steakhouse.

I'm sorry, what?  Google Translate is telling me that says 'Cavendish attached to these'.  'These' being bananas.  Which makes no sense, in any language. I love it. In the sign-making olympics, I think it's a dead heat between America and the Tifosi.

Shack Attack

First off: Poor old Jens Voigt fell into 132^nd after yesterday's lame-ass crash.  I think someone owes him a Nica Roche style apology. It should go something like this: “Sorry Jens!!! For taking your down!!!” 


Anyway, onto the race...

They don’t seem to ever want to show Tejay Van Garderen.

Is AToC just another take on Levi's Gran Fondo? He’s won it half the times it’s been on.

Well I’ll tell you what, don’t let yourself be seen at the back of the pelaton if you’re a GC contender.  
Phil will mock you for it, as he did poor Andy Schleck: “Now surely he’s not made all this scene about a drinking bottle??” Meanwhile, Paul sees something darker, suggesting it’s all a bluff, part of the grander strategy of psychological warfare.

Is Ryder Hesjedal a giant? He looks like Johan Van Summeren on the bike.

Much nicer views today. Not that downtown Modesto wasn’t scenic.

Do you think someone is tasked with coming after the race to pick up all the litter? I mean guys are dropping bottles off really remote areas of mountainside here and I’m betting they’re not biodegradable.

Aww I’m feeling overly sentimental, Hesjedal’s hesitation when Paul Martens took that corner wrong touched my heart.  Apparently Martens shouted to him in French “I’m alright!”

Shit that’s a treacherous corner. Two members of TheShack just took it wrong too. Andy’s smiling like he’s posing for something. He managed to navigate it.

“You don’t ride for Rabobank, one of the best teams in the world, if you’re no good.” True story Phil.

Hesjedal loves a lone breakaway.  This is the exact same imagery of the time he did this in the Tour the other year.

Amazing crowd noise can be heard: “Hey George! C’mon man!”

Tejay!

Chris Horner is riding away like the little elf man that he is. I never thought a rider could look small next to Levi Leipheimer.

That was hysterical camera work, scanning the gap after Chris Horner looking for the next rider on the road… still looking… still looking… still look—ah, there’s Levi.  An hour behind.

WHAT is with the names?? “Tommy D”?? His name is Tom Danielson. Phil and Paul simply cannot use normal names. 

Well done Chris Horner! Hopefully this will not be the start of an intra-squad, Lance/Bertie style feud on TheShack.  

Up to Speed.

Some thoughts on the Amgen Tour of California so far.  And some not-as-nice-thoughts about ITV4's coverage of it.

Stage 1:

All I can really say about this non-stage is that I'm kinda lovin' Lay-oh-pard's inclement weather gear, as modeled here on Andy Schleck.  I like how it can go from casual to 1/3 ninja.

As for all the rest of it, bike riders obviously shouldn't be racing on ice. Unless they're given some sort of skates or snowshoes specially adapted for bike wheels. Which would be an entirely different, but potentially equally awesome, sport.  Anyway, well done decision-makers for (eventually) making the right decision. I can see how fans might have been annoyed at not being able to see the race, but I also see how having riders race in those conditions would have been cruel and unusual punishment. And we don't do that in America.

Stage 2 (and also, sort of, Stage 1):

The ITV4 Tour of California coverage is an absolute shambles.  Although just as I typed that, Jens popped up on the screen havin a little snack, then Ted King rode up along side him.

Well, when the feed is working it's a great time, but it's a bit hit and miss.

Stage 3:

Is there some contractual reasoning behind ITV4's LACK of coverage? We've got some chasing and some crashing going on (thanks cyclingnews!) yet here's Matt Rendell reading comments from the stupid twitter account they've set up for their SHIT coverage.

Lovin' the Jacques-Maynes twins, Andy and Ben.  Ben was in the breakaway yesterday, today it's Andy.  Their identical twin-ness is confusing everyone.  Apparently the only way to tell them apart is the hint of a mustache on one of them. But I don't know which one.  My immediate thought was that they should've done a Prestige and registered as one bike rider, but secretly raced as two.  Double the recovery time.  I am SO sorry if I ruined the Prestige for anyone, cuz it's actually a rather good movie.

Not so much lovin' the overly artistic camera work, which focuses mostly on the asphalt and is obsessed with the slow fade.

HA, I could've sworn Thor was playing a prank on Andy Schleck and saying "look over there" while he sprinted off.  But then it turned out that there were actually llamas in the nearby field.  Perhaps, like me, Thor and Andy love Animals in Cycling Situations.

Some amusement during one of many commercial breaks: Ok, ignore the fact that this is narrated by Bob Roll and just wait for Paul's amazing entrance: Commentating must be slightly hilarious.

Finally! Our first shot of Girly George. In his nightclothes.  They can get some excellent close camera work here (sometimes all too close, when Sky pulled over for a wee), and they sure are wasting it. When you can get the intimate hilarity of Thor and Swifty struggling to get their wet weather booties off while maintaining speed, and Girly George handing his jacket off to his butler- er, teammate- why are you offering up several million shots of soft focus barbed-wire fences?

Kurt Asle Arveson loooooves being up at the front.

Shiiiit it's windy.

Dave Z's face was like FUCK THIS SHIT let me in!

They just WEE off the bike! I thought they at least stopped! I guess maybe sometimes they do but there was a SassyBank rider just weeing as he rode along.

"You see the seasoned professional doesn't panic at a bike change". You see, ladies man, man's man, man about town Bernie Eisel doesn't panic at anything.

I've literally never seen so many people wee on screen in the history of watching bike racing.

God, Andy and Thor love each other! They've been chatting all day.

Danny Pate moved from Garmin "to the ol' arch enemies HTC this season."  Maybe, despite liking a good chunk of the team members, he found them simply too self-righteous. I can only guess.

Meanwhile, in Giro news...

Be cool, Fran!

Cav offers up his own version of 'man up' at the end.  "I could, but I won't. I don't need to. Oh I just did."

Sky have just KILLED the pelaton.  Jesus look at that, they just came CHARGING up on that Netapp guy!

This is one of the best things that's EVER been said about Big George. When the crosswinds were starting to split everything he was straight up in first position and Phil started yelling "You don't catch that man out! He is a master tactician! He knows when it's dangerous, he knows when the winds howl in California!"  It turns out the last bit was just an awkward pause before continuing on to "...you have to be out front." But how amazing is that! "He knows when the winds howl in California!" It's like when he yelled about Contador "HE RIDES WITH A METAL PLATE IN HIS HEAD!" and I couldn't figure out what that could possibly mean, til I found out that Contador actually, literally, rides with a metal plate in his head.

Another Phil classic: "They'll stay around him like they mother a queen bee."

Aww Jens! Going through a lap slower than everyone by himself was like the saddest (and wrongest) sight ever.

The hell?? 5 crashes and then Hendy gets the win? Wouldn't have guessed that one.

Fin.

And for the Inaugural Blog, in the theme of Sky's dominance of the AToC thus far, here's Swifty and some dogs.  Animals in (Staged) Cycling Situations.