The Lampre Effect

Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne

I think 'best of luck and a donkey' should be a new phrase of encouragement.

Giant must have known I'd be sad without Iljo, so they brought their A TEAM.

Especially Koen, who has been very informative in the run up.

He's such a show pony.

(SO BEAUTIFUL BRING IT BACK FLANDERS!)

Cyclingnews have suggested that Erik Zabel is in the mix for BMC. Guys the racing hasn't even started yet and you're losing your shit, let's try and keep it together.

Everything seems beautifully dramatic to me right now. I kind of think my spy name should be Wegwijzer Hellingen.

It's very cold out there and apparently Peter almost missed the start. Probably wishing he had some of that Spanish tea now.

These bloody heroes have time for everyone, even in subzero temperatures.

I like that sleek gilets-only look the boys are sporting.

They're talking an awful lot about the wind today...

...

Obviously I do understand but I DON'T UNDERSTAND why we can't have live coverage from start to finish.

There's a break of 11 including what sounds like a high-end tailors: De Man & Cardis.

Or possibly law firm to the Belgian Royal Family: Druyts, De Man, & Cardis.

Peter it seems has gone for the full Cool Runnings look.

The gap is alternately listed at 8 minutes and 10 seconds so ffs can we please get some coverage going here

Maybe that was just cyclingnews being incompetent.

Anyway, they now agree that the gap is around 8 minutes and suggest Captain Curvers is stuck in no man's land somewhere in the middle.

Hello beautiful humans.

Why is it always something as fucking ridiculous as downhill skiing that keeps me from cycling coverage?

Ahh is this Caleb Ewan? If it's a podium with him and Kristoff and... I dunno an indeterminate Topsport I'll be asleep.

Well that was a false alarm. Sporza at least had us at the race but now we're doing live coverage of... dirtbikes, in Qatar?

Honestly though, neither of these seem close to ending... WTF.

I'm not sure I can cope with this.

Cool sweater guy. Legit thought it was Wout at first glance. Would be a good #Woutontinder profile pic.

THEN SOMEBODY TELL THE TELEVISION.

Maybe I've misunderstood time but also the website says the links are live so stop making me feel crazy, internet!

I get Eurosport cuz they're a bit shit and always late to the game, but Sporza, WHY?! They obvs blew the budget with Bert yesterday and now can't afford to broadcast anymore.

AH WHAT OK I THINK WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE

... Did I know Nick Nuyens was Belgian? Is there ANY reason that up until this second I thought he was Australian?

Dries Devenyns is quite cool looking. He's got a dramatic face.

NIKIIIIIIII

Tommekeeeeeeee

Peter really with the hair. One man bun in the peloton is already one too many.

Le Crow leading from the front here.

Needless to say if I'd first discovered Luke Rowe via Sporza the name 'Le Crow' would never have been born.

YOHANN GENE what happened?? He's solo on the side of the road with a broken bike. How?

OMFG Oude Kwaremont coming up.

I feel like J. De Man has an obligation to change his first name to something beginning with U.

Champion is a good word but I really feel like KAMPIOEN has like an additional element of badassery somehow.

Oooooof looks hard out there. They're on flat road but FLYING along, leaving riders in their wake.

It's a rather excellent language. Funny how sometimes you (think) you understand it.

Red Lottos on the front with Luke.

OOOOOH watch out, Peter is on the move!!!!

Is 83.3k too far out for a solo attack to the finish!?!

He's taken a Trek with him, cuz obviously.

They're taking a lot about Tjalingii... COULD HE WIN?

OMG they mentioned Adam Blythe several times too what the hell are they saying??

The Kwaremont possibly broke everyone into groups?

If there be winds this could be a difficult claw back

Luke is such a fucking badass. Up here in this elite group.

Maybe Adam is in it??? Maybe that's what they were saying?

Etixx is all over it. They aren't gonna make the same mistake today!

A different mistake, sure, but definitely, definitely not the same one.

Gap under 3 minutes now btw

I wonder whatever happened to Roy....

You can tell it's probably fucking freezing but it sure looks glorious in the sun on some of these climbs.

Ski jumping. Eurosport believe that SKI JUMPING is an appropriate alternative to bike racing.

Was Yanto Barker an extra in the Lance Armstrong film The Program? ... My interpretation of Sporza commentary currently.

Niki chatting to Kristoff. It didn't look THAT happy.

...Obviously I had to investigate this. I WAS VERY CLOSE.

Hmmm ok well Eurosport is on now but I wonder if I should stick with Sporza given it's Brian Smith.

.. And Carlton Kirby. Nope, back to pidgin Flemish!

Whatcha doin' Sky boys?

That was a silly non-attack.

Seems everyone's back together, peloton-wise. Escape still at 2-ish minutes.

Interesting tactic B Van Poppel. Is he even riding the same race? Some of these bike baths are like in different counties to the cobbled road.

Proving popular though. Til it comes time to make that left turn at Albuquerque presumably.

Red Lotto are going cray at the front here.

Something happened to Adam in 2007 and to G in 2003. Find me this factoid.

Fucking hell Lotto have decimated this peloton.

Kristoff's positioning is very poor today. Every time they show him he's a million miles away from the action.

This poor IAM wants a bottle.

Gap down to '40 anyway.

Let's talk to Wilfried Peeters!

And now Tom Boonen! I don't understand any of these interviews but !!!!

Veel Succes Tommeke!!

Come on let's catch Lance Armstrong's body double and get this thing going!

54k with 38 seconds for the escapees.

OGE please don't Lampre this result.

They've got the gigs over at the Sporza commentary box, I wish I knew why.

Red Lottos out EN MASSE on the front of this climb

BUT ETIXX ISN'T MESSIN' EITHER

Do Julien Vermotte and Iljo kind of look alike in their helmets and sunnies? I could identify both of them from space but sometimes they seem very similar at a glance.

AHAHAHAHAH

RIGHT AS I SUGGESTED THIS, Julien proper DID AN ILJO.

Oh it was amaze. It's only because Iljo isn't physically in this race that I know it can't be him.

Those two need to go on tour.

They've got a bit of a gap here: GVA, Julien/Iljo, Peter, a non-Luke Sky, Devenyns, a Trek and maybe one other?

Who's this non-Pippo Southeast and what is he doing?

Does Le Crow feel no fatigue?? The man is a MACHINE.

He has been on the front ALL DAY, after KILLING IT yesterday. Rowey we salute you.

Alright they've caught that Southeast.

Just under 39k and now it's all about to be mayhem.

What about Niki?!!?!

GATTO IS HERE?!!?!!?

What even team does he ride for!?!

I got too excited.

Ok. There are three groups on the road but it's unclear who is in which.

Oh and one def just got caught.

And fucking Lotto and Katusha went to the same printers as Etixx and Topsport and chose Colour Option Red. It's impossible to tell what is ever happening at a distance.

NIKI!

Everyone should be as excellent as Niki and therefore wear their nation's flag for easy reference.

Julien is so totally playing the part of Iljo today. He just keeps attacking attacking attacking.

OH NO a lotto down!

What's that?!! Did a car OH MY JESUS FUCKING HELL

He was COMPLETELY FUCKING TAKEN OUT, completely hit HEAD ON by a fucking motorbike!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL.

They seem pretty chill about it!!! I'd be screaming!

(I am, essentially, screaming)

Rowey is like a Welsh Tommeke.

I feel like there should be an International Tom Boonen prize in the way there is an International Flandrien one and Le Crow should win it.

Or he could win the International Flandrien award cuz he fucking is.

I think we're into the big laps now?

SORT IT OUT DAVE. Call on them to man up and make them!

How did we get down to 28k? I think I blacked out during all the hit-and-run drama.

Ok

SO

A group with 40 seconds up front with: ROWE BOONEN VERMOTTE

and Ginger Pim

Also other people. Lots of them, but there they are classified by level of importance.

Behind, Katusha AND Lotto, just to confuse things (heretofore referred to as TEAM RED) are on the chase in a massive way.

Into Kortrjk!

Niki is with Team Red. Which I'm not thrilled about but I guess Tom and Julien have got it covered up front.

Luke up here with the big boys is so right.

BVP getting away on accident?

The fuck?

That was super weird. Under 20k.

What was that??

Cokey Tom held hands with the DirectEnergie across the road? Am I hallucinating? I mean they may have been passing a bar or something but still.

Guys do we care about the Drome and the Ardeche? Call me when they manifest themselves in the Ardennes classics and not before.

18k, 28 seconds.

Stuyven trying to get away now. You can't say they don't try, Trek.

Got a gap though. 16 seconds.

Into the last lap.

Peloton not far here. Everyone is within 33 seconds of each other.

Is that OGE rooting in the back pockets of that Lotto? Are there no teams anymore?

Le Crow could you win at Roubaix and just do what we all know you're made for??

Mention of Tim Wellens and Sean de Bie. The Belgian flag, basically.

If Jasper Stuyven is the one the girl next to me at Gent Six Day was screaming about then that's cool but not like you-should-win-KBK-cool, know what I'm saying?

6.3k and Luke and co are behind Jesper by 23 seconds. The peloton is about 20 seconds behind that.

FUCKIN HELL JASPER. Don't take yourself out of the game by going full tilt into a bollard!

3.5k ROWEY DON'T FLAG

NOT NOW

CATCH THIS GUY GUYS COME ON

I feel like they said 'clever boy, Gent boy' about Jasper, but I'm sure they didn't. But that should definitely be a thing.

CAN WE FUCKING NOT ETIXX

COME ON. 2k and he has 30 seconds!

What is this insanity? Ginger Pim is launching from the peloton, which is bizarre.

Oh my god it's not even the peloton, it was the elite group that was caught by the peloton!!!

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN

SOMEONE CATCH HIM WHAT IS THIS SHIT

Well. Better start warming to Jasper Stuyven then.

Aww. That was nice. But still.

Tommeke for second?

He's barely riding. He doesn't give a shit.

Kristoff, Bouhanni round out podium.

So meh. The meh-est.

That always happens!!!! THRILLING racing and then meh results.

Maybe if they ACTUALLY called themselves #SpartacusArmy...


Edit: Alright maybe if his nickname is ACTUALLY Stone Cold Stuyven.

And if Nathan Brown is in his corner then... ... GO JASPER.

Be Still My Flandrien Heart

Omloop Het Nieuwsblad

I will watch any race, any time, but let's be honest...

SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

A little reminder that the results weren't really my thing (AT ALL), but MY GOD the Classics were fucking excellent last year.

I should clarify that Luca's win was fabulous and that podium was the best probably in the history of cycling.

(Also, ACE MUSIC guys)

Oh Elia. That's lovely.

If it's in the Gent Citadelpark, I feel like I should be there.

Peter's like "Cheers, yeah, I'll have this before we kick off shall I?"

DO I HAVE A PULSE?!! YES I'M READY!

I mean, yeah I'm dead.

Nieuwsblad Extra? The people demand it.

Hellingen hellingen hellingen I'M TOO EXCITED!

(Elsewhere in the world, Wee Pierre to Garmin has been the best transfer ever. Who'd have guessed he was a hidden social media gem?)

Yeah but does he though.

SO REAL DAN.

CAN YOU SEE DE KARPER??????

There's a little break, Kristian House is in it. And Goujons.

But like what the hell. He just puts out the vibe. Tommeke for the next James Bond?

Are Topsport Vlaanderen and Etixx using the same printers? I mean, it's the same blue right?

From Cyclingnews: It's Keisse on the front and he's been there ever since the break moved clear. He barely changes position, and just keeps ticking along and setting the pace for his team and the peloton. It's such an important part of the make-up of Etixx, to be able to control the race during these early stages. It's always expected of them, and they always deliver on that front.

I WANT LIVE COVERAGE FROM START TO FINISH!!!!!!

Also I mean obviously what kind of maniac doesn't love Iljo Keisse, but whoever's writing this is clearly #TeamKeisse in a big way and I am lovin' that.

I'm coming late to this party but is Pat Lefevre's team legit the greatest in history?? And to receive praise from Papa Lefevre!! That is your life made right there.

Ok I know I said I'd watch anything but this #bda16 whatever it is going on over in France is clogging up the twitter feed.

Dan you amazing human.

BERT DE BACKER!  Hi Bert! What a lovely man. Looking well. Keep the beard off Bert.

Onto the Kapelmuur.

God it's cool. I wish it was still part of Flanders.

My rudimentary Flemish suggests Bert and the Sporza lot agree with me.

As does everyone who's anyone. Damn.

Oh my fucking life they might actually be in De Karper.

Little background special on Teisj here. No pressure guy.

The feed just broke as we recapped Niki coming to the podium. Cuz obviously.

Tom is always so chill. What a fucking dude.

Ohhhhhhh my god, I had not seen this Grease thing Peter did til now. WHAT IS HE?? I love him.

Well, it's sad to leave Bert and Sporza but I don't actually speak Flemish. Don't let me down L'equipe.

I'm not sure about Katusha's new kit.

HIIIIIIIII ILJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hi Tony, also.

I could watch Iljo pedal all day.

Hokay. Let's not dream with Arnaud Demare guys.

Skys massing. SuperFenn, Elia... A dodgy moustache on Le Crow there?

Didn't recognize Kristian in his ONEPRO gear there.  Doesn't help that DirectEnergie is a bit JTL-ish.

Gahhhh what's this?? Looks like not a crash but a bit of a bottleneck at the turn. All seems well.

Quinzy?? PHIL. ILJO I LOVE THIS

Who is even on OGE? I find them so difficult to know.

Who's this tiny Sky person?

Jempy Drucker has a very unique jaw shape.

Arret-pipi. En masse here.

Oooooh it's getting difficult for some now.

Ca doit rouler commeme! our commentator interrupts himself to say.

Snacktime for Tony. Tony feels no pain.

Oss!

Elia!

Whatever this team in white is!

Phillllllllllllll!

Peter! Lurking lurking

Break onto the Kruisberg! Kristian House bossing at the front.

OH NO WHAT'S THIS. OGE, Lotto Jumbo and a Lotto Soudal down.

I think Iljo just shoved Tony up the hill as he fell away.

I'm kinda into this commentary team on Equipe21.

NIKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Shielded behind Stijn.

Is Steve Chainel this decent commentator?

Luke, what is this facial hair. Come on buddy.

Ooooh something at the back. Sky is having more trouble than most.

Is Rod there???

I guess it could've been just like another ginger guy with a vaguely similar build.

Oh OGE. Man they're having a race to forget.

Some ACE bunny-hopping going on here. Gregory Rast and a Lotto Jumbo jumping sideways onto a bike path.

BMC PUTTIN' IT DOWN

BUT SKY IS PICKING IT UP

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THAT EXPLODED

Boonenberg has become LE CROW'S NEST.

Greg VanAv is with him also I guess.

Ugghhhhhh let's not recall last year PLEASE.

Peter is chasing with Oss.

HELL YES IL SAIT JOUER. Kid came 9th in Roubaix!! LE CROW IS THE MAN.

Peter caught Luke and Greg and they've basically caught those last breakaways

WHEN DID TIESJ GET HERE?!

THIS RACE IS AMAZING.

Guys it's hard enough to follow bike racing in a mainstream normal way let's just cool it with the women's coverage yeah?? One thing at a fucking time.

Tiesj leads the way!

Tiesj leads Greg this is harsh imagery.

THIS IS AMAING

LUKE & GREG & PETER & TIESJ  I mean I don't know who else but who cares!???

Everyone's a mess, Luke had a graphic groin strain, Greg dropped his snack bar, Peter missed his bottle and nearly killed a man.

This is gorge. These four on the Wolvenberg is killer.

ohhhhh Etixx. Having to lead the chase behind.

But like when they're in front they lose so maybe this is a good thing??

Goddammit I love Luke I can't even be cool I want him to win.

Let's rein in those last breakaways just to clean things up a bit here ya?

Oh hello christ what else can I do with my mind?

Tony Martin pour les Etixx Quick Step. Je crois que c'est fichou pour les echappes.

Pretty stunning out there in the sun soaked fields of Flanders.

Is Julien Vermotte here?

Hey bro!

UGHHHHH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Etixx down on that turn! TONY?

WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS IT

Ok well he's up but

Fuck Niki managed some evasive action I THINK but he might've gone into the crowd briefly.

Fucking hell. I did not need that.

Alright so these last 2 dudes out front--

Oh jesus not for long. That was intense as LE CROW & CO came around that corner at them.

Ok so soon it'll be Luke's dudes and then the peloton at just over a minute.

Chase group? An IAM, a Bora Argon--

OH GOD COME ON GUYS

Another crash

NOOOO NOO NOO BMCS DOWN

They think it's PHILLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOO

NO I can't deal!!!!

Is that him on the side of the road?!!

Chase group a bit inconsequential. Wee Sylvain is there but that's it really.

Oh Niki why are you behind? Woe woe woe

Unless. Actually where is everyone?

Anyway 35-ish k and everyone is within a minute of each other.

David Millar is my jam.

HUP. Etixx caught the chasers. Nico Maes specifically.

Nico, Tony, Stijn at the head. Lots of Treks about as well.

AG2R? Do they have new kit? I can't see them though apparently they're there.

AAHHH it's E.T. and Tosh VDS trying to escape!

28k now. They suggest the break may have it? Is it too early for that sort of chat?

Trek sure is trying a lot of moves here.

What an utter bunch of weirdos we all are over in bike racing. But YES.

Dude legit laughed recounting Etixx's woe of yesteryear. Couldn't even hold on to a touch of professional detachment over the tactical stupidity.

Fuuuuuuuckin' hell Jesper went into that turn hard. Well that's that attack over.

Stijn leads the chase now.

There's like no peloton. It's like all of Etixx and like 4 other dudes.

Ooooof shit's getting real now.

Peter is kicking up the pace and dropping chaff.

Oh Etixx. What is the game plan here.

I know the gap isn't going OUT but it isn't going DOWN either.

15k with Luke, Peter, Tiejs, Greg, and Goujons.

You could make a fucking BRILLIANT podium with that or you could make a slightly shit one.

In any event, they have 51 seconds.

... Maybe this just isn't a race for Etixx.

GHENT. Hello!

Well Lotto is giving a little assistance now. Finally.

Well Petr Vakoc won over in Sud Ardeche so that may have to be enough for Papa Lefevre today.

Ok I just pissed myself. That's an acceptable mention of women's cycling.

DON'T TEMPT THE WRATH OF THE WHATEVER FROM HIGH ATOP THE THING.

Well yeah in this case he got drunk first.

The great riddle of our time.

7k.

DirectEnergie now getting in the game...

Tres French. Certainly it's over?

Crossing the Schelde. Here at the final frontier of the Oregon Trail.

Luke sort of looks like he might vomit.

But he also looks strong. I'm dying.

3.5k and 25 seconds!!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND MATH

Ou sont passes les Tom Boonen, les Niki Terpstra...

That was like beautiful and lyrical and a bit Catch-22.

5ieme ou 48ieme-- what are they even talking about??

TWO K.

FUCKING HELL ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS 18 SECONDS AND 1.2K!?!?

I could Luke-Rowe-vomit right now.

FLAMMMMMMMMEEEEEEE

THEY ARE ALL STILL TOGETHER OMG

THIS IS FUCKING MENTAL

LUKE STALKING

FUCKING GREG JESUS

WHATTTTTTTT!!!!!!


GREG ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING

Awwwww. Good on you GVA.

.... I think Peter did come in second tho.

Did Luke podium??

Hmm. Guess it was Tiesj for third.

Well. I could've done with a win for Le Crow but that was rather decent.

Wtf Greg is cuddling his child who is wearing a furry bear onesie. I'm dead.

Yeah, good for you Greg.

Peter. No one loves your lustrous hair more than I do, but is it getting a BIT long now?

That kid is totes shell shocked. she's like... "We've never been up here before..."

Those Kwaremont magnums are sweet.

I LOVE CLASSICS SEASON.