Strade Bianche
Hello beautiful humans!!
...Including THE MOST BEAUTIFUL.
Oh, good thing I'm THE WORLD CHAMPION of Cyclocross!
I like the casual nature of 'Oh, also, HE'S A LIVING LEGEND'.
Also, TAYLOR IS BACK.
Of course they are!! (Taylor don't think I don't see your BEAUTIFUL FACE back there!)
... More importantly, where do I get one of those totes cute coats??
Siena is gorge.
In fact Strade Bianche is basically like a really long advert for the beauty of Italy.
....
Maybe one day I will learn how to cope with the boredom/anticipation before live coverage, but in actual fact I think I'm getting worse at it.
And coverage of women's racing is not an appropriate substitute.
Also, did I miss something or is Garmin not fielding a team here?
Ahhhhhh it sounds like it's KICKING OFF STOP SHOWING ME SWIMMING
And yet.
WHO DECIDED WE WOULDN'T SHOW COVERAGE OF BIKE RACING IN A DECENT NORMAL WAY
They're basically showing Dutch PMQs right now.
World, why are you so cruel.
Meanwhile, people are relentlessly, relentlessly taking the piss out of the Race to the Sun.
Andrew Talansky's looks quite beautiful but then I'm not the one in a period chateau probably without heating.
That time when Dan Wuori was providing links the MINUTE coverage was available was the best of times.
FRANCE. YOU HAVE COME THROUGH ONCE AGAIN (against all odds).
BIRRA MORETTIS AT THE READY IT IS ON
Are the French getting better commentators or have I had a brain transplant. I'm kinda into these guys already.
On n'est pas sur piste, on n'est pas a Londres, this joker jokes about the final tense K of the women's race.
Michal is just so lovely.
Oh Fabian. My heart. I do not accept I WILL NOT ACCEPT that he won't be riding next year.
Styby seems like just the loveliest man. Something very strange but also something very beautiful, he says about the race.
There are 5 away here, not sure about a gap. Puccio, Grivko, Max Montfort, Brambilla, and what they thought was Caruso though is clearly the giant American jaw of Brent Bookwalter.
60k.
Appears to be those guys up front, the peloton, and a Peloton Deer of sorts.
Le Classique du Nord le plus au Sud. I love that.
The 5 have a minute, Trek appears to be leading the chase in the peloton and NOT in Peloton Deer which was my initial fear.
Onto a Secteur.
Oh my fucking life it's like a dust storm it's amazing
It wasn't so cray when the 5 went through but when the peloton kicked it up it was like miners coming to the surface.
Race to the Shit jokes continue apace...
... Are they legit at the buffet by like the toast machine?!
33 seconds the 5 have.
Haha there are like no French riders in the race and half of them are named Sebastien.
This mystery dude commentator is making a very good case for their participation though. I'd listen.
Dayer Quintana is always around. Does he race more than other people?
Cripes twitter is ahead of French coverage and Sporza is too but possibly not ahead of twitter???...
Plus I think the coverage is misidentifying people sometimes??
Puccio dropped out of the front group with a mechanical but LP Nordhaug is attacking from the peloton
I either forgot Nibali was Italian or that this was in Italy but in any event I couldn't figure out why everyone was SO jazzed about his presence.
I mean, you've got Pippo Pozzato here guys, let's focus.
Lots of mechanicals
40k.
Ruh roh, here comes that rain they were forecasting.
Visconti Amador is sort of an excellent name.
Like the Italian counterpart to Wegwijzer Hellingen.
I'm gonna make an entire spy network of names from Things That Aren't Names in cycling.
Sky are very present here. Dude in the break, dude chasing the break, dude leading the peloton...
Brochant est au courant!
Is Puccio having more problems?!!
Oh no he's just loading his back with bottles like some kind of Quasimodo.
Christ look at him go!
30k.
Still quite a bit of gravel and uphill still to go.
I know we're waiting for the feu d'artifice and the belle bagarre, but....
We just rollin' around here?
It's like the commentator is talking to me now being like "cool your jets, you can't launch from 30k out on this parcours.'
Turns out 'one man show' is 'one man show' in French.
Brambaaaaaa..... Are you launching?????
Meh well they've caught him anyway.
Ohhhhf is that the peloton right there??
Montaperti-- hard to understand though the description is in English, did something of Dante's take place here?
This commentator is basically saying when you're an enormous nerd who loves cycling you think of imagery like Octave Lapize on dirt, rock roads and this is sort of beautifully reminiscent of that. I LOVE THIS MAN HE IS SO RIGHT.
Cycling is also made of this.
Oh lord but it is windy there in Siena.
I feel like my life theme is "Just Not Valverde".
Bramba going for the kill again on this latest Secteur. Brent is going with him.
Il ne sont plus que deux devant, IL NE SONT PLUS QUE DEUX
It is just not Puccio's day today.
deja ca fait quatre fois qu'il s'arrête
Unclear what happened to Brent but Gianluca is away alone now
20k
BMC taking to the front of the chase, obvs.
Oh god is it Oss?!! Fare thee well Luca, soz.
Fucking hell Sporza coverage keeps going out randomly and coming back on massively and loudly Dutch.
OK WHAT HAPPENED
PETER ATTACKED FAB WENT
STYBAR TOO
I'M DEAD
Les pièges sont surtout Van Avermaet.
Oh Greg. Classic Greg. (Still)
Hmm they've only got 15 seconds
Why isn't Stby Czech Champ all the time? I hardly recognise him in standard-issue gear.
Fab just pushed him to the front
And then attacked.
AND THEN ATTACKED COME ON FAB
I feel like that tap was less like 'take your turn' and more like 'MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY'
Oh heeyyyyyyyyyyy Michal!
No one else from this chasing group should make the junction but yeah if Michal could get up there that'd be great.
Oh and Matteo Trentin is there so he can come too.
Fab didn't get away by the way.
This time.
The fact that the Secteurs count up and not down is confusing the hell out of me.
But anyway, FINAL SECTEUR NOW
Looks like GVA is trying to bridge alone.
Michal, Oss, Nibali and another BMC behind that I think
11k
Is this a real junction and can I live there
There is some utterly weird barbershop/choral singing being piped through from the finish I can only imagine...
9k
Bramba is doing a job of work today my god
FAB IS NOT HAVIN' ANY OF THIS
If he does an Iljo one more time I think he might legit kill a man.
ATTACK
Brambilla!
Oh Greg. Brought back to that chase group.
They've only got 12 seconds those beasts and there's lots of uphill at the end isn't there?
7k
Back together for the 4.
But classic Etixx punching
He goes again
I love how they describe Fab's crafty mind.
The idea of a peloton without that fabulous mullet flapping in the wind is just too too much to imagine.
Fuuuuuuuckin' hell mind that turn lads!
4k
HE'S ONLY GOT 4 SECONDS?! These camera angles are ridonculously deceptive
So fucking real.
Sporza you are dead to me. Going out at 2.2k is simply not acceptable.
Ok back in time slightly with French coverage, here we go.
1.5k
1k
Bramba is killing himself up there and these three are basically already track standing
AND I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT TWITTER BECAUSE IT IS IN THE FUTURE
Fab has been on the front an awful lot
Il faut quand meme bouger derriere hein!
OH Stybar nearly took Fab out on that turn
Oh jesus there they are
OH GOD
A FREIGHT TRAIN JUST HIT BRAMBA SO HARD
SO HARD
FAB AND STYBY
I AM HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS
BUT I WANT FAB I CAN'T LIE
IT IS FABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
DREAMS COME TRUEEEEEEEEEEE
OH FAB
He's LEGIT JUMPING UP AND DOWN WITH HIS SOIGNEURS HE'S GOT HIS ARMS AROUND THEM AND IS JUMPING UP AND DOWN
HE WALKS THROUGH THE CROWD LIKE A KINGLY BEAST
I LOVE THAT MAN
I LOVE THAT MAN ARE THERE NO BIGGER FONTS?!!??
Man Styby even put his head down at the end there like 'oh man!' He knew.
LIFT THAT BIKE INTO THE AIR YOU GLADIATOR
Bramba even gave a thumbs up as he crossed the line. There are no teams here. We are all Team Spartacus.
'I had to play it was the lottery'?! I LOVE THIS MAN!
Ohhhhh god he's the greatest.
Ohhhhh I could throw up I love him so much.
