Stannard Operating Procedure

Omloop Het Nieuwsblad

Well, this is timely.

Damn you Eurosport/Sporza/whatever police scanner I'm tapped into right now, I DON'T WANT TO WATCH FOOTBALL. I want to watch this beaut and his ill-advised beard roll around Belgium.

Or see more of this lovely man and his lovely smile and delightful way with children.

Ah here we go. Panic over.

Hmm, Sky DO have a "belle carte a jouer"...

I CAN'T DEAL WITH HOW GOOD BERNIE LOOKS IN RAPHA.

The beard is killing me though. Maybe women were mobbing him in the streets and he's just tryin' to put some fires out.

Oh man the commentators are mocking it too.

Anyway. I'm not TRYING to make this the Tour de Bernie but he's on the front and very much the focus at the moment.

Did this race used to be called Ghent-Ghent? There should be more of that vibe. Retro, #capsnothats shit.

Also, bring back derny racing.

This commentary is the Frenchest. One guy has a lisp and the other seriously keeps going "oui c'est c'la".

Already sick of hearing about Bradley Wiggins. That took just over 2 minutes.

OOH crash. Very dusty. No one seems to be staying on the ground.

New kits and new team names are stressing me out. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE.

These commentators are ace: "C'est difficile avec les voitures, le public.." "Les chiens."

Kruisberg ho!

Another crash! Europcar down. Some staying down. Lloyd Mondory out they're saying.

There's a very good article in CycleSport this month about the psychological effects of crashing, with a lot of riders saying they would intentionally get into breaks just to get out of the peloton where they felt anxious.

ANOTHER CRASH. Ahhh Lovely Miki Schar they think!

Lotto-Soudal attack! Ned Boulting will be thrilled.

Brought back, whoever he was.

The Taaienberg is coming up. The internet suggests it's referred to as 'Boonenberg'. This needs to be made official.

Matt Brammier on the attack from the front group!! I miss his easily recognisable Irish champs jersey of yesteryear.

COKEYYYYYYY TOMMMMMMMM!

That was so explosive someone was LITERALLY just riding sideways on the road. What the actual hell?? Everyone lost their minds.

Oh whoever it was was on the lefthand side and went to move over and got sort of latched into a cobble.

This is like the bike equivalent of MIC DROP.

Arnaud Demare is up in there? I love that dude and his amateur photography!

There's a dude in the break that's making me want to eat goujons. His name is broadly similar.

Cripes Albert Timmer just nearly got decapped by the direction indicator gendarme. Attention au petit drapeau, say the commentators, which may just have to be my first album title.

Albert Timmer features in the fucking brilliant film Nieuwe Helden.

Welp. That's an understatement.

Wolvenberg for the three leaders. Not sure what's shakin' at the back. There was talk of an elite Boonen group of 20 but I think quite a few people got back on.

Luke Rowe's trying a thing. Sort of sounds like they're saying "Le Crow", which I hope catches on.

Meanwhile, not in Belgium: Phil, the World Tour misses you bigtime.

Le Crow has joined Matt Brammier and Albert Timmer, but they're like 5 seconds ahead of the main group so oh well.

Annnnd that's over. Boooooo, that was a good little team.

Seriously, how big is Stijn Vandenberg? Like honestly what is his shoulder span. Is he a human.

The understated description of them as 'obstacles'-- like something you might find on a children's playground-- is cracking me up.

Group of BEASTS getting away!!!!

OPQS Beasts. Or Etixx Beasts, whatever they are now.

Group of four ahead with Niki, Cokey Tom, Stijn, and last year's winner Stannard. OMFG.

Maintenant c'est contre la montre par equipe qu'ils vont faire.  Lolz.

This is the best imagery of the season so far. And there's already been tough competition.

Which race was it last year when it was like the entire OPQS team up front but then like Sagan took it or something? They super blew it tactically, I can't remember the specifics but I'm having awful deja vu. Was it E3 maybe?

Gah mechanicals for Sep and Arnaud Demare!!

BURGHYYYYYYY. Leading the peloton. Yay!

YOU FUCKING KNOW.

A not insignificant 31 seconds they've got up there.

Molenberg!

Honestly though, can Sep get a new tire sponsor or something?? I feel like he has disproportionally bad tire luck ALL THE TIME, like he's always ABOUT TO WIN and at KEY MOMENTS he just grinds to a halt.

Sep and Greg VanAv are trying to get away, buuuuuuut... you got another OPQSer on your tail son!

I feel like Unlucky Sep should do a themed video to this. His fucking theme tune.

Pourtant ca roule vite hein?

Does ROBORST mean 'chasers'?

But then Head of the Race is written in English. What is this channel??

They're listing Cokey Tom's palmares. Read 'em and weep kids. LITERALLY.

PhilGil, Wee Sylvain and Marco Marcato are... somewhere..... together.

Marco Marcato has one of the best names in the pro peloton. Such pleasing assonance.

Are they Group 3 on the road possibly?

Ah yes, 45 seconds behind Cokey Tom's Crew. With Styby and Sep VanFlatTire in the in between.

Cokey Tom goin' solo!

Or trying to. Not really getting anywhere.

PHILLLLLLLLLLLL

Ridin' solo!

Stijn's Shoulders now setting the pace. And sheltering a small village behind him.

Et puis les 3 Etixx-Quick Step, c'est pas n'importe qui!

Cripes out in the flatlands you can see them coming like RIGHT UP on the leaders!

A la Belgique hein, tous les moyens sont bons. Les trottoirs...

LAST PAVE.

No judgement being made here, but it'd be SO AWKS if Greg VanAv FINALLY won one and then was done for doping.

I mean Stannard has sat on 100%, surely it's his race to lose??

Oh Phil. Cutting a lonely figure out there in the Flemish lanes.

I'm pretty sure Cokey Tom just gave a small thumbs up to the camera. HE IS SUCH A DUDE.

I AM SO IN LOVE. That was such a baller move!

Ned's into it too.

Ooh Sky's jag on the move. NICO ARE YOU THERE??

Alas, some other rando shouting instructions out the window.

Oh it's Servais Knaven.

Ca y est.

Couldn't have said it better. It's time for tactics, and Cokey Tom is on your wheel.

Cokey Tom just adjusting himself there. In slightly too extreme close up. NSFW.

I mean for real.

AND HE'S OFF I NEED A LARGER FONT THERE ISN'T A FONT LARGE ENOUGH

TOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEKKKEEEEEEEEE!

Back togetherrrrrr-- or are they and NIKI is off!

Stijn follows.

KEEP THE PUNCHES COMING.

Stannard off the front now.

Niki's got his wheel. Cokey Tom is trying to bridge.

WHAT DOES PIÉGÉ MEAN??

GAH FLAMME ROUGE WHAT HOW WILL THIS END

It looks so close from behind but the overhead makes it look like TOM IS SO FAR.

COME ON NIKIIIIIIIIIII

man!

Niki was so close!

It's not that I don't like Stannard, I just LOVE OPQS SO MUCH.

And they obviously worked really hard and he sat on and Niki even despite all that work practically almost won.

But that's cool he's done it twice in a row and of course he totally horrifically broke his back last year so it is I suppose totally awesome that he's back.

Yeah, I suppose.

Me-ow! But fair.

Yeah, hope. And get some new fucking tires!!

Perhaps this evening as Pat Lefevre berates them, OPQS can cut the tension with a timely rendition of 'Oops I Did It Again'.

But for all that, I think GVK is the day's most unlucky OPQSer. As Niki, Tom, Stijn, and Styby manfully take their earful, they should remember one thing:

Nothing is worse than riding around with the shits.