Strade Bianche
Hello beautiful humans!!
...Including THE MOST BEAUTIFUL.
Oh, good thing I'm THE WORLD CHAMPION of Cyclocross!
I like the casual nature of 'Oh, also, HE'S A LIVING LEGEND'.
Also, TAYLOR IS BACK.
Of course they are!! (Taylor don't think I don't see your BEAUTIFUL FACE back there!)
... More importantly, where do I get one of those totes cute coats??
Siena is gorge.
In fact Strade Bianche is basically like a really long advert for the beauty of Italy.
....
Maybe one day I will learn how to cope with the boredom/anticipation before live coverage, but in actual fact I think I'm getting worse at it.
And coverage of women's racing is not an appropriate substitute.
Also, did I miss something or is Garmin not fielding a team here?
Ahhhhhh it sounds like it's KICKING OFF STOP SHOWING ME SWIMMING
And yet.
WHO DECIDED WE WOULDN'T SHOW COVERAGE OF BIKE RACING IN A DECENT NORMAL WAY
They're basically showing Dutch PMQs right now.
World, why are you so cruel.
Meanwhile, people are relentlessly, relentlessly taking the piss out of the Race to the Sun.
Andrew Talansky's looks quite beautiful but then I'm not the one in a period chateau probably without heating.
That time when Dan Wuori was providing links the MINUTE coverage was available was the best of times.
FRANCE. YOU HAVE COME THROUGH ONCE AGAIN (against all odds).
BIRRA MORETTIS AT THE READY IT IS ON
Are the French getting better commentators or have I had a brain transplant. I'm kinda into these guys already.
On n'est pas sur piste, on n'est pas a Londres, this joker jokes about the final tense K of the women's race.
Michal is just so lovely.
Oh Fabian. My heart. I do not accept I WILL NOT ACCEPT that he won't be riding next year.
Styby seems like just the loveliest man. Something very strange but also something very beautiful, he says about the race.
There are 5 away here, not sure about a gap. Puccio, Grivko, Max Montfort, Brambilla, and what they thought was Caruso though is clearly the giant American jaw of Brent Bookwalter.
60k.
Appears to be those guys up front, the peloton, and a Peloton Deer of sorts.
Le Classique du Nord le plus au Sud. I love that.
The 5 have a minute, Trek appears to be leading the chase in the peloton and NOT in Peloton Deer which was my initial fear.
Onto a Secteur.
Oh my fucking life it's like a dust storm it's amazing
It wasn't so cray when the 5 went through but when the peloton kicked it up it was like miners coming to the surface.
Race to the Shit jokes continue apace...
... Are they legit at the buffet by like the toast machine?!
33 seconds the 5 have.
Haha there are like no French riders in the race and half of them are named Sebastien.
This mystery dude commentator is making a very good case for their participation though. I'd listen.
Dayer Quintana is always around. Does he race more than other people?
Cripes twitter is ahead of French coverage and Sporza is too but possibly not ahead of twitter???...
Plus I think the coverage is misidentifying people sometimes??
Puccio dropped out of the front group with a mechanical but LP Nordhaug is attacking from the peloton
I either forgot Nibali was Italian or that this was in Italy but in any event I couldn't figure out why everyone was SO jazzed about his presence.
I mean, you've got Pippo Pozzato here guys, let's focus.
Lots of mechanicals
40k.
Ruh roh, here comes that rain they were forecasting.
Visconti Amador is sort of an excellent name.
Like the Italian counterpart to Wegwijzer Hellingen.
I'm gonna make an entire spy network of names from Things That Aren't Names in cycling.
Sky are very present here. Dude in the break, dude chasing the break, dude leading the peloton...
Brochant est au courant!
Is Puccio having more problems?!!
Oh no he's just loading his back with bottles like some kind of Quasimodo.
Christ look at him go!
30k.
Still quite a bit of gravel and uphill still to go.
I know we're waiting for the feu d'artifice and the belle bagarre, but....
We just rollin' around here?
It's like the commentator is talking to me now being like "cool your jets, you can't launch from 30k out on this parcours.'
Turns out 'one man show' is 'one man show' in French.
Brambaaaaaa..... Are you launching?????
Meh well they've caught him anyway.
Ohhhhf is that the peloton right there??
Montaperti-- hard to understand though the description is in English, did something of Dante's take place here?
This commentator is basically saying when you're an enormous nerd who loves cycling you think of imagery like Octave Lapize on dirt, rock roads and this is sort of beautifully reminiscent of that. I LOVE THIS MAN HE IS SO RIGHT.
Cycling is also made of this.
Oh lord but it is windy there in Siena.
I feel like my life theme is "Just Not Valverde".
Bramba going for the kill again on this latest Secteur. Brent is going with him.
Il ne sont plus que deux devant, IL NE SONT PLUS QUE DEUX
It is just not Puccio's day today.
deja ca fait quatre fois qu'il s'arrête
Unclear what happened to Brent but Gianluca is away alone now
20k
BMC taking to the front of the chase, obvs.
Oh god is it Oss?!! Fare thee well Luca, soz.
Fucking hell Sporza coverage keeps going out randomly and coming back on massively and loudly Dutch.
OK WHAT HAPPENED
PETER ATTACKED FAB WENT
STYBAR TOO
I'M DEAD
Les pièges sont surtout Van Avermaet.
Oh Greg. Classic Greg. (Still)
Hmm they've only got 15 seconds
Why isn't Stby Czech Champ all the time? I hardly recognise him in standard-issue gear.
Fab just pushed him to the front
And then attacked.
AND THEN ATTACKED COME ON FAB
I feel like that tap was less like 'take your turn' and more like 'MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY'
Oh heeyyyyyyyyyyy Michal!
No one else from this chasing group should make the junction but yeah if Michal could get up there that'd be great.
Oh and Matteo Trentin is there so he can come too.
Fab didn't get away by the way.
This time.
The fact that the Secteurs count up and not down is confusing the hell out of me.
But anyway, FINAL SECTEUR NOW
Looks like GVA is trying to bridge alone.
Michal, Oss, Nibali and another BMC behind that I think
11k
Is this a real junction and can I live there
There is some utterly weird barbershop/choral singing being piped through from the finish I can only imagine...
9k
Bramba is doing a job of work today my god
FAB IS NOT HAVIN' ANY OF THIS
If he does an Iljo one more time I think he might legit kill a man.
ATTACK
Brambilla!
Oh Greg. Brought back to that chase group.
They've only got 12 seconds those beasts and there's lots of uphill at the end isn't there?
7k
Back together for the 4.
But classic Etixx punching
He goes again
I love how they describe Fab's crafty mind.
The idea of a peloton without that fabulous mullet flapping in the wind is just too too much to imagine.
Fuuuuuuuckin' hell mind that turn lads!
4k
HE'S ONLY GOT 4 SECONDS?! These camera angles are ridonculously deceptive
So fucking real.
Sporza you are dead to me. Going out at 2.2k is simply not acceptable.
Ok back in time slightly with French coverage, here we go.
1.5k
1k
Bramba is killing himself up there and these three are basically already track standing
AND I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT TWITTER BECAUSE IT IS IN THE FUTURE
Fab has been on the front an awful lot
Il faut quand meme bouger derriere hein!
OH Stybar nearly took Fab out on that turn
Oh jesus there they are
OH GOD
A FREIGHT TRAIN JUST HIT BRAMBA SO HARD
SO HARD
FAB AND STYBY
I AM HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS
BUT I WANT FAB I CAN'T LIE
IT IS FABBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
DREAMS COME TRUEEEEEEEEEEE
OH FAB
He's LEGIT JUMPING UP AND DOWN WITH HIS SOIGNEURS HE'S GOT HIS ARMS AROUND THEM AND IS JUMPING UP AND DOWN
HE WALKS THROUGH THE CROWD LIKE A KINGLY BEAST
I LOVE THAT MAN
I LOVE THAT MAN ARE THERE NO BIGGER FONTS?!!??
Man Styby even put his head down at the end there like 'oh man!' He knew.
LIFT THAT BIKE INTO THE AIR YOU GLADIATOR
Bramba even gave a thumbs up as he crossed the line. There are no teams here. We are all Team Spartacus.
'I had to play it was the lottery'?! I LOVE THIS MAN!
Ohhhhh god he's the greatest.
Ohhhhh I could throw up I love him so much.
Saturday, 5 March 2016
Sunday, 28 February 2016
The Lampre Effect
Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne
I think 'best of luck and a donkey' should be a new phrase of encouragement.
Giant must have known I'd be sad without Iljo, so they brought their A TEAM.
Especially Koen, who has been very informative in the run up.
He's such a show pony.
(SO BEAUTIFUL BRING IT BACK FLANDERS!)
Cyclingnews have suggested that Erik Zabel is in the mix for BMC. Guys the racing hasn't even started yet and you're losing your shit, let's try and keep it together.
Everything seems beautifully dramatic to me right now. I kind of think my spy name should be Wegwijzer Hellingen.
It's very cold out there and apparently Peter almost missed the start. Probably wishing he had some of that Spanish tea now.
These bloody heroes have time for everyone, even in subzero temperatures.
I like that sleek gilets-only look the boys are sporting.
They're talking an awful lot about the wind today...
...
Obviously I do understand but I DON'T UNDERSTAND why we can't have live coverage from start to finish.
There's a break of 11 including what sounds like a high-end tailors: De Man & Cardis.
Or possibly law firm to the Belgian Royal Family: Druyts, De Man, & Cardis.
Peter it seems has gone for the full Cool Runnings look.
The gap is alternately listed at 8 minutes and 10 seconds so ffs can we please get some coverage going here
Maybe that was just cyclingnews being incompetent.
Anyway, they now agree that the gap is around 8 minutes and suggest Captain Curvers is stuck in no man's land somewhere in the middle.
Hello beautiful humans.
Why is it always something as fucking ridiculous as downhill skiing that keeps me from cycling coverage?
Ahh is this Caleb Ewan? If it's a podium with him and Kristoff and... I dunno an indeterminate Topsport I'll be asleep.
Well that was a false alarm. Sporza at least had us at the race but now we're doing live coverage of... dirtbikes, in Qatar?
Honestly though, neither of these seem close to ending... WTF.
I'm not sure I can cope with this.
Cool sweater guy. Legit thought it was Wout at first glance. Would be a good #Woutontinder profile pic.
THEN SOMEBODY TELL THE TELEVISION.
Maybe I've misunderstood time but also the website says the links are live so stop making me feel crazy, internet!
I get Eurosport cuz they're a bit shit and always late to the game, but Sporza, WHY?! They obvs blew the budget with Bert yesterday and now can't afford to broadcast anymore.
AH WHAT OK I THINK WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE
... Did I know Nick Nuyens was Belgian? Is there ANY reason that up until this second I thought he was Australian?
Dries Devenyns is quite cool looking. He's got a dramatic face.
NIKIIIIIIII
Tommekeeeeeeee
Peter really with the hair. One man bun in the peloton is already one too many.
Le Crow leading from the front here.
Needless to say if I'd first discovered Luke Rowe via Sporza the name 'Le Crow' would never have been born.
YOHANN GENE what happened?? He's solo on the side of the road with a broken bike. How?
OMFG Oude Kwaremont coming up.
I feel like J. De Man has an obligation to change his first name to something beginning with U.
Champion is a good word but I really feel like KAMPIOEN has like an additional element of badassery somehow.
Oooooof looks hard out there. They're on flat road but FLYING along, leaving riders in their wake.
It's a rather excellent language. Funny how sometimes you (think) you understand it.
Red Lottos on the front with Luke.
OOOOOH watch out, Peter is on the move!!!!
Is 83.3k too far out for a solo attack to the finish!?!
He's taken a Trek with him, cuz obviously.
They're taking a lot about Tjalingii... COULD HE WIN?
OMG they mentioned Adam Blythe several times too what the hell are they saying??
The Kwaremont possibly broke everyone into groups?
If there be winds this could be a difficult claw back
Luke is such a fucking badass. Up here in this elite group.
Maybe Adam is in it??? Maybe that's what they were saying?
Etixx is all over it. They aren't gonna make the same mistake today!
A different mistake, sure, but definitely, definitely not the same one.
Gap under 3 minutes now btw
I wonder whatever happened to Roy....
You can tell it's probably fucking freezing but it sure looks glorious in the sun on some of these climbs.
Ski jumping. Eurosport believe that SKI JUMPING is an appropriate alternative to bike racing.
Was Yanto Barker an extra in the Lance Armstrong film The Program? ... My interpretation of Sporza commentary currently.
Niki chatting to Kristoff. It didn't look THAT happy.
...Obviously I had to investigate this. I WAS VERY CLOSE.
Hmmm ok well Eurosport is on now but I wonder if I should stick with Sporza given it's Brian Smith.
.. And Carlton Kirby. Nope, back to pidgin Flemish!
Whatcha doin' Sky boys?
That was a silly non-attack.
Seems everyone's back together, peloton-wise. Escape still at 2-ish minutes.
Interesting tactic B Van Poppel. Is he even riding the same race? Some of these bike baths are like in different counties to the cobbled road.
Proving popular though. Til it comes time to make that left turn at Albuquerque presumably.
Red Lotto are going cray at the front here.
Something happened to Adam in 2007 and to G in 2003. Find me this factoid.
Fucking hell Lotto have decimated this peloton.
Kristoff's positioning is very poor today. Every time they show him he's a million miles away from the action.
This poor IAM wants a bottle.
Gap down to '40 anyway.
Let's talk to Wilfried Peeters!
And now Tom Boonen! I don't understand any of these interviews but !!!!
Veel Succes Tommeke!!
Come on let's catch Lance Armstrong's body double and get this thing going!
54k with 38 seconds for the escapees.
OGE please don't Lampre this result.
They've got the gigs over at the Sporza commentary box, I wish I knew why.
Red Lottos out EN MASSE on the front of this climb
BUT ETIXX ISN'T MESSIN' EITHER
Do Julien Vermotte and Iljo kind of look alike in their helmets and sunnies? I could identify both of them from space but sometimes they seem very similar at a glance.
AHAHAHAHAH
RIGHT AS I SUGGESTED THIS, Julien proper DID AN ILJO.
Oh it was amaze. It's only because Iljo isn't physically in this race that I know it can't be him.
Those two need to go on tour.
They've got a bit of a gap here: GVA, Julien/Iljo, Peter, a non-Luke Sky, Devenyns, a Trek and maybe one other?
Who's this non-Pippo Southeast and what is he doing?
Does Le Crow feel no fatigue?? The man is a MACHINE.
He has been on the front ALL DAY, after KILLING IT yesterday. Rowey we salute you.
Alright they've caught that Southeast.
Just under 39k and now it's all about to be mayhem.
What about Niki?!!?!
GATTO IS HERE?!!?!!?
What even team does he ride for!?!
I got too excited.
Ok. There are three groups on the road but it's unclear who is in which.
Oh and one def just got caught.
And fucking Lotto and Katusha went to the same printers as Etixx and Topsport and chose Colour Option Red. It's impossible to tell what is ever happening at a distance.
NIKI!
Everyone should be as excellent as Niki and therefore wear their nation's flag for easy reference.
Julien is so totally playing the part of Iljo today. He just keeps attacking attacking attacking.
OH NO a lotto down!
What's that?!! Did a car OH MY JESUS FUCKING HELL
He was COMPLETELY FUCKING TAKEN OUT, completely hit HEAD ON by a fucking motorbike!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL.
They seem pretty chill about it!!! I'd be screaming!
(I am, essentially, screaming)
Rowey is like a Welsh Tommeke.
I feel like there should be an International Tom Boonen prize in the way there is an International Flandrien one and Le Crow should win it.
Or he could win the International Flandrien award cuz he fucking is.
I think we're into the big laps now?
SORT IT OUT DAVE. Call on them to man up and make them!
How did we get down to 28k? I think I blacked out during all the hit-and-run drama.
Ok
SO
A group with 40 seconds up front with: ROWE BOONEN VERMOTTE
and Ginger Pim
Also other people. Lots of them, but there they are classified by level of importance.
Behind, Katusha AND Lotto, just to confuse things (heretofore referred to as TEAM RED) are on the chase in a massive way.
Into Kortrjk!
Niki is with Team Red. Which I'm not thrilled about but I guess Tom and Julien have got it covered up front.
Luke up here with the big boys is so right.
BVP getting away on accident?
The fuck?
That was super weird. Under 20k.
What was that??
Cokey Tom held hands with the DirectEnergie across the road? Am I hallucinating? I mean they may have been passing a bar or something but still.
Guys do we care about the Drome and the Ardeche? Call me when they manifest themselves in the Ardennes classics and not before.
18k, 28 seconds.
Stuyven trying to get away now. You can't say they don't try, Trek.
Got a gap though. 16 seconds.
Into the last lap.
Peloton not far here. Everyone is within 33 seconds of each other.
Is that OGE rooting in the back pockets of that Lotto? Are there no teams anymore?
Le Crow could you win at Roubaix and just do what we all know you're made for??
Mention of Tim Wellens and Sean de Bie. The Belgian flag, basically.
If Jasper Stuyven is the one the girl next to me at Gent Six Day was screaming about then that's cool but not like you-should-win-KBK-cool, know what I'm saying?
6.3k and Luke and co are behind Jesper by 23 seconds. The peloton is about 20 seconds behind that.
FUCKIN HELL JASPER. Don't take yourself out of the game by going full tilt into a bollard!
3.5k ROWEY DON'T FLAG
NOT NOW
CATCH THIS GUY GUYS COME ON
I feel like they said 'clever boy, Gent boy' about Jasper, but I'm sure they didn't. But that should definitely be a thing.
CAN WE FUCKING NOT ETIXX
COME ON. 2k and he has 30 seconds!
What is this insanity? Ginger Pim is launching from the peloton, which is bizarre.
Oh my god it's not even the peloton, it was the elite group that was caught by the peloton!!!
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN
SOMEONE CATCH HIM WHAT IS THIS SHIT
Well. Better start warming to Jasper Stuyven then.
Aww. That was nice. But still.
Tommeke for second?
He's barely riding. He doesn't give a shit.
Kristoff, Bouhanni round out podium.
So meh. The meh-est.
That always happens!!!! THRILLING racing and then meh results.
Maybe if they ACTUALLY called themselves #SpartacusArmy...
Edit: Alright maybe if his nickname is ACTUALLY Stone Cold Stuyven.
And if Nathan Brown is in his corner then... ... GO JASPER.
I think 'best of luck and a donkey' should be a new phrase of encouragement.
Giant must have known I'd be sad without Iljo, so they brought their A TEAM.
Especially Koen, who has been very informative in the run up.
He's such a show pony.
(SO BEAUTIFUL BRING IT BACK FLANDERS!)
Cyclingnews have suggested that Erik Zabel is in the mix for BMC. Guys the racing hasn't even started yet and you're losing your shit, let's try and keep it together.
Everything seems beautifully dramatic to me right now. I kind of think my spy name should be Wegwijzer Hellingen.
It's very cold out there and apparently Peter almost missed the start. Probably wishing he had some of that Spanish tea now.
These bloody heroes have time for everyone, even in subzero temperatures.
I like that sleek gilets-only look the boys are sporting.
They're talking an awful lot about the wind today...
...
Obviously I do understand but I DON'T UNDERSTAND why we can't have live coverage from start to finish.
There's a break of 11 including what sounds like a high-end tailors: De Man & Cardis.
Or possibly law firm to the Belgian Royal Family: Druyts, De Man, & Cardis.
Peter it seems has gone for the full Cool Runnings look.
The gap is alternately listed at 8 minutes and 10 seconds so ffs can we please get some coverage going here
Maybe that was just cyclingnews being incompetent.
Anyway, they now agree that the gap is around 8 minutes and suggest Captain Curvers is stuck in no man's land somewhere in the middle.
Hello beautiful humans.
Why is it always something as fucking ridiculous as downhill skiing that keeps me from cycling coverage?
Ahh is this Caleb Ewan? If it's a podium with him and Kristoff and... I dunno an indeterminate Topsport I'll be asleep.
Well that was a false alarm. Sporza at least had us at the race but now we're doing live coverage of... dirtbikes, in Qatar?
Honestly though, neither of these seem close to ending... WTF.
I'm not sure I can cope with this.
Cool sweater guy. Legit thought it was Wout at first glance. Would be a good #Woutontinder profile pic.
THEN SOMEBODY TELL THE TELEVISION.
Maybe I've misunderstood time but also the website says the links are live so stop making me feel crazy, internet!
I get Eurosport cuz they're a bit shit and always late to the game, but Sporza, WHY?! They obvs blew the budget with Bert yesterday and now can't afford to broadcast anymore.
AH WHAT OK I THINK WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE
... Did I know Nick Nuyens was Belgian? Is there ANY reason that up until this second I thought he was Australian?
Dries Devenyns is quite cool looking. He's got a dramatic face.
.JPG/250px-Isbergues_-_Grand_Prix_d'Isbergues,_20_septembre_2015_(B143).JPG){kind=link}
NIKIIIIIIII
Tommekeeeeeeee
Peter really with the hair. One man bun in the peloton is already one too many.
Le Crow leading from the front here.
Needless to say if I'd first discovered Luke Rowe via Sporza the name 'Le Crow' would never have been born.
YOHANN GENE what happened?? He's solo on the side of the road with a broken bike. How?
OMFG Oude Kwaremont coming up.
I feel like J. De Man has an obligation to change his first name to something beginning with U.
Champion is a good word but I really feel like KAMPIOEN has like an additional element of badassery somehow.
Oooooof looks hard out there. They're on flat road but FLYING along, leaving riders in their wake.
It's a rather excellent language. Funny how sometimes you (think) you understand it.
Red Lottos on the front with Luke.
OOOOOH watch out, Peter is on the move!!!!
Is 83.3k too far out for a solo attack to the finish!?!
He's taken a Trek with him, cuz obviously.
They're taking a lot about Tjalingii... COULD HE WIN?
OMG they mentioned Adam Blythe several times too what the hell are they saying??
The Kwaremont possibly broke everyone into groups?
If there be winds this could be a difficult claw back
Luke is such a fucking badass. Up here in this elite group.
Maybe Adam is in it??? Maybe that's what they were saying?
Etixx is all over it. They aren't gonna make the same mistake today!
A different mistake, sure, but definitely, definitely not the same one.
Gap under 3 minutes now btw
I wonder whatever happened to Roy....
You can tell it's probably fucking freezing but it sure looks glorious in the sun on some of these climbs.
Ski jumping. Eurosport believe that SKI JUMPING is an appropriate alternative to bike racing.
Was Yanto Barker an extra in the Lance Armstrong film The Program? ... My interpretation of Sporza commentary currently.
Niki chatting to Kristoff. It didn't look THAT happy.
...Obviously I had to investigate this. I WAS VERY CLOSE.
Hmmm ok well Eurosport is on now but I wonder if I should stick with Sporza given it's Brian Smith.
.. And Carlton Kirby. Nope, back to pidgin Flemish!
Whatcha doin' Sky boys?
That was a silly non-attack.
Seems everyone's back together, peloton-wise. Escape still at 2-ish minutes.
Interesting tactic B Van Poppel. Is he even riding the same race? Some of these bike baths are like in different counties to the cobbled road.
Proving popular though. Til it comes time to make that left turn at Albuquerque presumably.
Red Lotto are going cray at the front here.
Something happened to Adam in 2007 and to G in 2003. Find me this factoid.
Fucking hell Lotto have decimated this peloton.
Kristoff's positioning is very poor today. Every time they show him he's a million miles away from the action.
This poor IAM wants a bottle.
Gap down to '40 anyway.
Let's talk to Wilfried Peeters!
And now Tom Boonen! I don't understand any of these interviews but !!!!
Veel Succes Tommeke!!
Come on let's catch Lance Armstrong's body double and get this thing going!
54k with 38 seconds for the escapees.
OGE please don't Lampre this result.
They've got the gigs over at the Sporza commentary box, I wish I knew why.
Red Lottos out EN MASSE on the front of this climb
BUT ETIXX ISN'T MESSIN' EITHER
Do Julien Vermotte and Iljo kind of look alike in their helmets and sunnies? I could identify both of them from space but sometimes they seem very similar at a glance.
AHAHAHAHAH
RIGHT AS I SUGGESTED THIS, Julien proper DID AN ILJO.
Oh it was amaze. It's only because Iljo isn't physically in this race that I know it can't be him.
Those two need to go on tour.
They've got a bit of a gap here: GVA, Julien/Iljo, Peter, a non-Luke Sky, Devenyns, a Trek and maybe one other?
Who's this non-Pippo Southeast and what is he doing?
Does Le Crow feel no fatigue?? The man is a MACHINE.
He has been on the front ALL DAY, after KILLING IT yesterday. Rowey we salute you.
Alright they've caught that Southeast.
Just under 39k and now it's all about to be mayhem.
What about Niki?!!?!
GATTO IS HERE?!!?!!?
What even team does he ride for!?!
I got too excited.
Ok. There are three groups on the road but it's unclear who is in which.
Oh and one def just got caught.
And fucking Lotto and Katusha went to the same printers as Etixx and Topsport and chose Colour Option Red. It's impossible to tell what is ever happening at a distance.
NIKI!
Everyone should be as excellent as Niki and therefore wear their nation's flag for easy reference.
Julien is so totally playing the part of Iljo today. He just keeps attacking attacking attacking.
OH NO a lotto down!
What's that?!! Did a car OH MY JESUS FUCKING HELL
He was COMPLETELY FUCKING TAKEN OUT, completely hit HEAD ON by a fucking motorbike!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL.
They seem pretty chill about it!!! I'd be screaming!
(I am, essentially, screaming)
Rowey is like a Welsh Tommeke.
I feel like there should be an International Tom Boonen prize in the way there is an International Flandrien one and Le Crow should win it.
Or he could win the International Flandrien award cuz he fucking is.
I think we're into the big laps now?
SORT IT OUT DAVE. Call on them to man up and make them!
How did we get down to 28k? I think I blacked out during all the hit-and-run drama.
Ok
SO
A group with 40 seconds up front with: ROWE BOONEN VERMOTTE
and Ginger Pim
Also other people. Lots of them, but there they are classified by level of importance.
Behind, Katusha AND Lotto, just to confuse things (heretofore referred to as TEAM RED) are on the chase in a massive way.
Into Kortrjk!
Niki is with Team Red. Which I'm not thrilled about but I guess Tom and Julien have got it covered up front.
Luke up here with the big boys is so right.
BVP getting away on accident?
The fuck?
That was super weird. Under 20k.
What was that??
Cokey Tom held hands with the DirectEnergie across the road? Am I hallucinating? I mean they may have been passing a bar or something but still.
Guys do we care about the Drome and the Ardeche? Call me when they manifest themselves in the Ardennes classics and not before.
18k, 28 seconds.
Stuyven trying to get away now. You can't say they don't try, Trek.
Got a gap though. 16 seconds.
Into the last lap.
Peloton not far here. Everyone is within 33 seconds of each other.
Is that OGE rooting in the back pockets of that Lotto? Are there no teams anymore?
Le Crow could you win at Roubaix and just do what we all know you're made for??
Mention of Tim Wellens and Sean de Bie. The Belgian flag, basically.
If Jasper Stuyven is the one the girl next to me at Gent Six Day was screaming about then that's cool but not like you-should-win-KBK-cool, know what I'm saying?
6.3k and Luke and co are behind Jesper by 23 seconds. The peloton is about 20 seconds behind that.
FUCKIN HELL JASPER. Don't take yourself out of the game by going full tilt into a bollard!
3.5k ROWEY DON'T FLAG
NOT NOW
CATCH THIS GUY GUYS COME ON
I feel like they said 'clever boy, Gent boy' about Jasper, but I'm sure they didn't. But that should definitely be a thing.
CAN WE FUCKING NOT ETIXX
COME ON. 2k and he has 30 seconds!
What is this insanity? Ginger Pim is launching from the peloton, which is bizarre.
Oh my god it's not even the peloton, it was the elite group that was caught by the peloton!!!
WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN
SOMEONE CATCH HIM WHAT IS THIS SHIT
Well. Better start warming to Jasper Stuyven then.
Aww. That was nice. But still.
Tommeke for second?
He's barely riding. He doesn't give a shit.
Kristoff, Bouhanni round out podium.
So meh. The meh-est.
That always happens!!!! THRILLING racing and then meh results.
Maybe if they ACTUALLY called themselves #SpartacusArmy...
Edit: Alright maybe if his nickname is ACTUALLY Stone Cold Stuyven.
And if Nathan Brown is in his corner then... ... GO JASPER.
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Be Still My Flandrien Heart
Omloop Het Nieuwsblad
I will watch any race, any time, but let's be honest...
SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
A little reminder that the results weren't really my thing (AT ALL), but MY GOD the Classics were fucking excellent last year.
I should clarify that Luca's win was fabulous and that podium was the best probably in the history of cycling.
(Also, ACE MUSIC guys)
Oh Elia. That's lovely.
If it's in the Gent Citadelpark, I feel like I should be there.
Peter's like "Cheers, yeah, I'll have this before we kick off shall I?"
DO I HAVE A PULSE?!! YES I'M READY!
I mean, yeah I'm dead.
Nieuwsblad Extra? The people demand it.
Hellingen hellingen hellingen I'M TOO EXCITED!
(Elsewhere in the world, Wee Pierre to Garmin has been the best transfer ever. Who'd have guessed he was a hidden social media gem?)
Yeah but does he though.
SO REAL DAN.
CAN YOU SEE DE KARPER??????
There's a little break, Kristian House is in it. And Goujons.
But like what the hell. He just puts out the vibe. Tommeke for the next James Bond?
Are Topsport Vlaanderen and Etixx using the same printers? I mean, it's the same blue right?
From Cyclingnews: It's Keisse on the front and he's been there ever since the break moved clear. He barely changes position, and just keeps ticking along and setting the pace for his team and the peloton. It's such an important part of the make-up of Etixx, to be able to control the race during these early stages. It's always expected of them, and they always deliver on that front.
I WANT LIVE COVERAGE FROM START TO FINISH!!!!!!
Also I mean obviously what kind of maniac doesn't love Iljo Keisse, but whoever's writing this is clearly #TeamKeisse in a big way and I am lovin' that.
I'm coming late to this party but is Pat Lefevre's team legit the greatest in history?? And to receive praise from Papa Lefevre!! That is your life made right there.
Ok I know I said I'd watch anything but this #bda16 whatever it is going on over in France is clogging up the twitter feed.
Dan you amazing human.
BERT DE BACKER! Hi Bert! What a lovely man. Looking well. Keep the beard off Bert.
Onto the Kapelmuur.
God it's cool. I wish it was still part of Flanders.
My rudimentary Flemish suggests Bert and the Sporza lot agree with me.
As does everyone who's anyone. Damn.
Oh my fucking life they might actually be in De Karper.
Little background special on Teisj here. No pressure guy.
The feed just broke as we recapped Niki coming to the podium. Cuz obviously.
Tom is always so chill. What a fucking dude.
Ohhhhhhh my god, I had not seen this Grease thing Peter did til now. WHAT IS HE?? I love him.
Well, it's sad to leave Bert and Sporza but I don't actually speak Flemish. Don't let me down L'equipe.
I'm not sure about Katusha's new kit.
HIIIIIIIII ILJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hi Tony, also.
I could watch Iljo pedal all day.
Hokay. Let's not dream with Arnaud Demare guys.
Skys massing. SuperFenn, Elia... A dodgy moustache on Le Crow there?
Didn't recognize Kristian in his ONEPRO gear there. Doesn't help that DirectEnergie is a bit JTL-ish.
Gahhhh what's this?? Looks like not a crash but a bit of a bottleneck at the turn. All seems well.
Quinzy?? PHIL. ILJO I LOVE THIS
Who is even on OGE? I find them so difficult to know.
Who's this tiny Sky person?
Jempy Drucker has a very unique jaw shape.
Arret-pipi. En masse here.
Oooooh it's getting difficult for some now.
Ca doit rouler commeme! our commentator interrupts himself to say.
Snacktime for Tony. Tony feels no pain.
Oss!
Elia!
Whatever this team in white is!
Phillllllllllllll!
Peter! Lurking lurking
Break onto the Kruisberg! Kristian House bossing at the front.
OH NO WHAT'S THIS. OGE, Lotto Jumbo and a Lotto Soudal down.
I think Iljo just shoved Tony up the hill as he fell away.
I'm kinda into this commentary team on Equipe21.
NIKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Shielded behind Stijn.
Is Steve Chainel this decent commentator?
Luke, what is this facial hair. Come on buddy.
Ooooh something at the back. Sky is having more trouble than most.
Is Rod there???
I guess it could've been just like another ginger guy with a vaguely similar build.
Oh OGE. Man they're having a race to forget.
Some ACE bunny-hopping going on here. Gregory Rast and a Lotto Jumbo jumping sideways onto a bike path.
BMC PUTTIN' IT DOWN
BUT SKY IS PICKING IT UP
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THAT EXPLODED
Boonenberg has become LE CROW'S NEST.
Greg VanAv is with him also I guess.
Ugghhhhhh let's not recall last year PLEASE.
Peter is chasing with Oss.
HELL YES IL SAIT JOUER. Kid came 9th in Roubaix!! LE CROW IS THE MAN.
Peter caught Luke and Greg and they've basically caught those last breakaways
WHEN DID TIESJ GET HERE?!
THIS RACE IS AMAZING.
Guys it's hard enough to follow bike racing in a mainstream normal way let's just cool it with the women's coverage yeah?? One thing at a fucking time.
Tiesj leads the way!
Tiesj leads Greg this is harsh imagery.
THIS IS AMAING
LUKE & GREG & PETER & TIESJ I mean I don't know who else but who cares!???
Everyone's a mess, Luke had a graphic groin strain, Greg dropped his snack bar, Peter missed his bottle and nearly killed a man.
This is gorge. These four on the Wolvenberg is killer.
ohhhhh Etixx. Having to lead the chase behind.
But like when they're in front they lose so maybe this is a good thing??
Goddammit I love Luke I can't even be cool I want him to win.
Let's rein in those last breakaways just to clean things up a bit here ya?
Oh hello christ what else can I do with my mind?
Tony Martin pour les Etixx Quick Step. Je crois que c'est fichou pour les echappes.
Pretty stunning out there in the sun soaked fields of Flanders.
Is Julien Vermotte here?
Hey bro!
UGHHHHH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Etixx down on that turn! TONY?
WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS IT
Ok well he's up but
Fuck Niki managed some evasive action I THINK but he might've gone into the crowd briefly.
Fucking hell. I did not need that.
Alright so these last 2 dudes out front--
Oh jesus not for long. That was intense as LE CROW & CO came around that corner at them.
Ok so soon it'll be Luke's dudes and then the peloton at just over a minute.
Chase group? An IAM, a Bora Argon--
OH GOD COME ON GUYS
Another crash
NOOOO NOO NOO BMCS DOWN
They think it's PHILLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOO
NO I can't deal!!!!
Is that him on the side of the road?!!
Chase group a bit inconsequential. Wee Sylvain is there but that's it really.
Oh Niki why are you behind? Woe woe woe
Unless. Actually where is everyone?
Anyway 35-ish k and everyone is within a minute of each other.
David Millar is my jam.
HUP. Etixx caught the chasers. Nico Maes specifically.
Nico, Tony, Stijn at the head. Lots of Treks about as well.
AG2R? Do they have new kit? I can't see them though apparently they're there.
AAHHH it's E.T. and Tosh VDS trying to escape!
28k now. They suggest the break may have it? Is it too early for that sort of chat?
Trek sure is trying a lot of moves here.
What an utter bunch of weirdos we all are over in bike racing. But YES.
Dude legit laughed recounting Etixx's woe of yesteryear. Couldn't even hold on to a touch of professional detachment over the tactical stupidity.
Fuuuuuuuckin' hell Jesper went into that turn hard. Well that's that attack over.
Stijn leads the chase now.
There's like no peloton. It's like all of Etixx and like 4 other dudes.
Ooooof shit's getting real now.
Peter is kicking up the pace and dropping chaff.
Oh Etixx. What is the game plan here.
I know the gap isn't going OUT but it isn't going DOWN either.
15k with Luke, Peter, Tiejs, Greg, and Goujons.
You could make a fucking BRILLIANT podium with that or you could make a slightly shit one.
In any event, they have 51 seconds.
... Maybe this just isn't a race for Etixx.
GHENT. Hello!
Well Lotto is giving a little assistance now. Finally.
Well Petr Vakoc won over in Sud Ardeche so that may have to be enough for Papa Lefevre today.
Ok I just pissed myself. That's an acceptable mention of women's cycling.
DON'T TEMPT THE WRATH OF THE WHATEVER FROM HIGH ATOP THE THING.
Well yeah in this case he got drunk first.
The great riddle of our time.
7k.
DirectEnergie now getting in the game...
Tres French. Certainly it's over?
Crossing the Schelde. Here at the final frontier of the Oregon Trail.
Luke sort of looks like he might vomit.
But he also looks strong. I'm dying.
3.5k and 25 seconds!!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND MATH
Ou sont passes les Tom Boonen, les Niki Terpstra...
That was like beautiful and lyrical and a bit Catch-22.
5ieme ou 48ieme-- what are they even talking about??
TWO K.
FUCKING HELL ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS 18 SECONDS AND 1.2K!?!?
I could Luke-Rowe-vomit right now.
FLAMMMMMMMMEEEEEEE
THEY ARE ALL STILL TOGETHER OMG
THIS IS FUCKING MENTAL
LUKE STALKING
FUCKING GREG JESUS
WHATTTTTTTT!!!!!!
GREG ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING
Awwwww. Good on you GVA.
.... I think Peter did come in second tho.
Did Luke podium??
Hmm. Guess it was Tiesj for third.
Well. I could've done with a win for Le Crow but that was rather decent.
Wtf Greg is cuddling his child who is wearing a furry bear onesie. I'm dead.
Yeah, good for you Greg.
Peter. No one loves your lustrous hair more than I do, but is it getting a BIT long now?
That kid is totes shell shocked. she's like... "We've never been up here before..."
Those Kwaremont magnums are sweet.
I LOVE CLASSICS SEASON.
I will watch any race, any time, but let's be honest...
SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
A little reminder that the results weren't really my thing (AT ALL), but MY GOD the Classics were fucking excellent last year.
I should clarify that Luca's win was fabulous and that podium was the best probably in the history of cycling.
(Also, ACE MUSIC guys)
Oh Elia. That's lovely.
If it's in the Gent Citadelpark, I feel like I should be there.
Peter's like "Cheers, yeah, I'll have this before we kick off shall I?"
DO I HAVE A PULSE?!! YES I'M READY!
I mean, yeah I'm dead.
Nieuwsblad Extra? The people demand it.
Hellingen hellingen hellingen I'M TOO EXCITED!
(Elsewhere in the world, Wee Pierre to Garmin has been the best transfer ever. Who'd have guessed he was a hidden social media gem?)
Yeah but does he though.
SO REAL DAN.
CAN YOU SEE DE KARPER??????
There's a little break, Kristian House is in it. And Goujons.
But like what the hell. He just puts out the vibe. Tommeke for the next James Bond?
Are Topsport Vlaanderen and Etixx using the same printers? I mean, it's the same blue right?
From Cyclingnews: It's Keisse on the front and he's been there ever since the break moved clear. He barely changes position, and just keeps ticking along and setting the pace for his team and the peloton. It's such an important part of the make-up of Etixx, to be able to control the race during these early stages. It's always expected of them, and they always deliver on that front.
I WANT LIVE COVERAGE FROM START TO FINISH!!!!!!
Also I mean obviously what kind of maniac doesn't love Iljo Keisse, but whoever's writing this is clearly #TeamKeisse in a big way and I am lovin' that.
I'm coming late to this party but is Pat Lefevre's team legit the greatest in history?? And to receive praise from Papa Lefevre!! That is your life made right there.
Ok I know I said I'd watch anything but this #bda16 whatever it is going on over in France is clogging up the twitter feed.
Dan you amazing human.
BERT DE BACKER! Hi Bert! What a lovely man. Looking well. Keep the beard off Bert.
Onto the Kapelmuur.
God it's cool. I wish it was still part of Flanders.
My rudimentary Flemish suggests Bert and the Sporza lot agree with me.
As does everyone who's anyone. Damn.
Oh my fucking life they might actually be in De Karper.
Little background special on Teisj here. No pressure guy.
The feed just broke as we recapped Niki coming to the podium. Cuz obviously.
Tom is always so chill. What a fucking dude.
Ohhhhhhh my god, I had not seen this Grease thing Peter did til now. WHAT IS HE?? I love him.
Well, it's sad to leave Bert and Sporza but I don't actually speak Flemish. Don't let me down L'equipe.
I'm not sure about Katusha's new kit.
HIIIIIIIII ILJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hi Tony, also.
I could watch Iljo pedal all day.
Hokay. Let's not dream with Arnaud Demare guys.
Skys massing. SuperFenn, Elia... A dodgy moustache on Le Crow there?
Didn't recognize Kristian in his ONEPRO gear there. Doesn't help that DirectEnergie is a bit JTL-ish.
Gahhhh what's this?? Looks like not a crash but a bit of a bottleneck at the turn. All seems well.
Quinzy?? PHIL. ILJO I LOVE THIS
Who is even on OGE? I find them so difficult to know.
Who's this tiny Sky person?
Jempy Drucker has a very unique jaw shape.
Arret-pipi. En masse here.
Oooooh it's getting difficult for some now.
Ca doit rouler commeme! our commentator interrupts himself to say.
Snacktime for Tony. Tony feels no pain.
Oss!
Elia!
Whatever this team in white is!
Phillllllllllllll!
Peter! Lurking lurking
Break onto the Kruisberg! Kristian House bossing at the front.
OH NO WHAT'S THIS. OGE, Lotto Jumbo and a Lotto Soudal down.
I think Iljo just shoved Tony up the hill as he fell away.
I'm kinda into this commentary team on Equipe21.
NIKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Shielded behind Stijn.
Is Steve Chainel this decent commentator?
Luke, what is this facial hair. Come on buddy.
Ooooh something at the back. Sky is having more trouble than most.
Is Rod there???
I guess it could've been just like another ginger guy with a vaguely similar build.
Oh OGE. Man they're having a race to forget.
Some ACE bunny-hopping going on here. Gregory Rast and a Lotto Jumbo jumping sideways onto a bike path.
BMC PUTTIN' IT DOWN
BUT SKY IS PICKING IT UP
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THAT EXPLODED
Boonenberg has become LE CROW'S NEST.
Greg VanAv is with him also I guess.
Ugghhhhhh let's not recall last year PLEASE.
Peter is chasing with Oss.
HELL YES IL SAIT JOUER. Kid came 9th in Roubaix!! LE CROW IS THE MAN.
Peter caught Luke and Greg and they've basically caught those last breakaways
WHEN DID TIESJ GET HERE?!
THIS RACE IS AMAZING.
Guys it's hard enough to follow bike racing in a mainstream normal way let's just cool it with the women's coverage yeah?? One thing at a fucking time.
Tiesj leads the way!
Tiesj leads Greg this is harsh imagery.
THIS IS AMAING
LUKE & GREG & PETER & TIESJ I mean I don't know who else but who cares!???
Everyone's a mess, Luke had a graphic groin strain, Greg dropped his snack bar, Peter missed his bottle and nearly killed a man.
This is gorge. These four on the Wolvenberg is killer.
ohhhhh Etixx. Having to lead the chase behind.
But like when they're in front they lose so maybe this is a good thing??
Goddammit I love Luke I can't even be cool I want him to win.
Let's rein in those last breakaways just to clean things up a bit here ya?
Oh hello christ what else can I do with my mind?
Tony Martin pour les Etixx Quick Step. Je crois que c'est fichou pour les echappes.
Pretty stunning out there in the sun soaked fields of Flanders.
Is Julien Vermotte here?
Hey bro!
UGHHHHH NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Etixx down on that turn! TONY?
WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS IT
Ok well he's up but
Fuck Niki managed some evasive action I THINK but he might've gone into the crowd briefly.
Fucking hell. I did not need that.
Alright so these last 2 dudes out front--
Oh jesus not for long. That was intense as LE CROW & CO came around that corner at them.
Ok so soon it'll be Luke's dudes and then the peloton at just over a minute.
Chase group? An IAM, a Bora Argon--
OH GOD COME ON GUYS
Another crash
NOOOO NOO NOO BMCS DOWN
They think it's PHILLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOO
NO I can't deal!!!!
Is that him on the side of the road?!!
Chase group a bit inconsequential. Wee Sylvain is there but that's it really.
Oh Niki why are you behind? Woe woe woe
Unless. Actually where is everyone?
Anyway 35-ish k and everyone is within a minute of each other.
David Millar is my jam.
HUP. Etixx caught the chasers. Nico Maes specifically.
Nico, Tony, Stijn at the head. Lots of Treks about as well.
AG2R? Do they have new kit? I can't see them though apparently they're there.
AAHHH it's E.T. and Tosh VDS trying to escape!
28k now. They suggest the break may have it? Is it too early for that sort of chat?
Trek sure is trying a lot of moves here.
What an utter bunch of weirdos we all are over in bike racing. But YES.
Dude legit laughed recounting Etixx's woe of yesteryear. Couldn't even hold on to a touch of professional detachment over the tactical stupidity.
Fuuuuuuuckin' hell Jesper went into that turn hard. Well that's that attack over.
Stijn leads the chase now.
There's like no peloton. It's like all of Etixx and like 4 other dudes.
Ooooof shit's getting real now.
Peter is kicking up the pace and dropping chaff.
Oh Etixx. What is the game plan here.
I know the gap isn't going OUT but it isn't going DOWN either.
15k with Luke, Peter, Tiejs, Greg, and Goujons.
You could make a fucking BRILLIANT podium with that or you could make a slightly shit one.
In any event, they have 51 seconds.
... Maybe this just isn't a race for Etixx.
GHENT. Hello!
Well Lotto is giving a little assistance now. Finally.
Well Petr Vakoc won over in Sud Ardeche so that may have to be enough for Papa Lefevre today.
Ok I just pissed myself. That's an acceptable mention of women's cycling.
DON'T TEMPT THE WRATH OF THE WHATEVER FROM HIGH ATOP THE THING.
Well yeah in this case he got drunk first.
The great riddle of our time.
7k.
DirectEnergie now getting in the game...
Tres French. Certainly it's over?
Crossing the Schelde. Here at the final frontier of the Oregon Trail.
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Luke sort of looks like he might vomit.
But he also looks strong. I'm dying.
3.5k and 25 seconds!!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND MATH
Ou sont passes les Tom Boonen, les Niki Terpstra...
That was like beautiful and lyrical and a bit Catch-22.
5ieme ou 48ieme-- what are they even talking about??
TWO K.
FUCKING HELL ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS 18 SECONDS AND 1.2K!?!?
I could Luke-Rowe-vomit right now.
FLAMMMMMMMMEEEEEEE
THEY ARE ALL STILL TOGETHER OMG
THIS IS FUCKING MENTAL
LUKE STALKING
FUCKING GREG JESUS
WHATTTTTTTT!!!!!!
GREG ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING
Awwwww. Good on you GVA.
.... I think Peter did come in second tho.
Did Luke podium??
Hmm. Guess it was Tiesj for third.
Well. I could've done with a win for Le Crow but that was rather decent.
Wtf Greg is cuddling his child who is wearing a furry bear onesie. I'm dead.
Yeah, good for you Greg.
Peter. No one loves your lustrous hair more than I do, but is it getting a BIT long now?
That kid is totes shell shocked. she's like... "We've never been up here before..."
Those Kwaremont magnums are sweet.
I LOVE CLASSICS SEASON.
Sunday, 11 October 2015
Viva Italia!!
Abu Dhabi Tour Stage 4/ Paris-Tours:
I can't get over yesterday. Can anyone get over yesterday??
There's bad luck and then there's staging the most badass chase/comeback to absolutely BOSS the stage and win the whole damn race only to SLIP in the FINAL FUCKING METERS and lose the stage AND THE WHOLE FUCKING TOUR.
I like Esteban Chaves and hats off showing such extreme class to cross the line with muted celebration, but OMFG Wout!! SO CLOSE in the Tour of Britain and now this??
Next year is Wout's year, I'm calling it.
And next year he will find love. #Woutontinder
It looks like Belgian Ted's got a cool mullet in this photo. Sad to see you go before live coverage starts Ted!
Giraffes in cycling situations!!
Ok so broadcasting started at the same time for both races. An enormous break in Paris-Tours with 7 and a half minutes, and a good-looking (and equally enormous) chase behind with 43k to go.
Up front: Heinrich Hausslar, Captain Curvers, Matteo, Tiesj, Greg VanAv, Ginger Pim, Arnaud Demare, among others. And also the rest of OPQS that isn't in the chase group.
On the chase: Niki!!, Julian Vermotte, Miki Schar, and the pleasing assonance of Marco Marcato (among others)
70k of the circuit over in Abu Dhabi with a few people out front and a duo of chasers. A couple of minutes for each.
Julian Vermotte just went way wide on that turn into someone's forecourt.
Hmmm a Giant has gone off the front of the chase group.
It's kind of a weird one out there in Abu Dhabi. Have there been any fans? It's kind of eerie.
There's Esteban in Wout's red jersey.
Just kidding. Kind of.
Niki is the patron of this chase. He is in control.
Onto the first of three climbs.
(Hey Peter!! Over in Abu Dhabi)
Some dude's gone off the front of the front now.
These guys can't wait to get to their holidays. They are FLYING along.
Front group is going mental at each other but for now it's the TA team making attacks so nothing's sticking.
(Hi Leo!!!! in Abu Dhabi)
OPQS are taking on a lot of this work, in all the groups, sooooo... I'm nervous.
This Abu Dhabi thing is just weirding me out so much. It's like a space race. Like they're on a space station and there are no humans and for some reason they're being made to ride around and around.
Come ride around our empty stadium at night. I mean that's what the invite must've said.
The two Frenchies out there are getting caught at 10k.
I'd like if Heinrich won. He's had a bit of a rough one this season.
I mean that's assuming Niki can't come back from that chase group at 2 minutes.
Whoooooo losing some men here on the climb.
MATTEO bossing on the front trying to split it.
Greg Van Av stays with him, and some other people.
Awww Heinrich on the back of the second group.
Trentin is a killer man. He just made Greg sprint out of that corner!
Now Greg goes!
They lost one guy, so now it's Matteo and Greg and Tosh Van der Sande out front alone.
GO MATTEO.
6.5k.
What's Captain Curvers doing? Was he trying to go solo?
They've got 24 seconds up there.
This chase group is depressing.
It's now or never and I think to be honest, it's never.
2.5k and they have nearly 30 seconds up there.
I mean they're kinda shooting around back there but nothing's working.
1.5k, COME ON MATTEO!!
Goujons is going for Best Placed Frenchman back there.
OH MY GOD CLASSIC GREG, does he have a mechanical!?
What is going on??
He seems to be having a Sep-style wheel breakdown but is still riding along.
Matteo is leading but they're slowing.
THIS IS SO TENSE
They're just slow slow slow.
MATTEO IS LIKE FUCK THIS I'M GOING
Greg can't go, like physically can't go. Fucking hell the unluck.
GO ON MATTEO!!!!!
COME ON!!!
HE JUST TOTALLY HAD THAT.
It was like weirdly no contest in the end.
YOU GO MATTEO.
I win 5 times in France on 7 professional wins. I always win in France actually!
Omg and then they made him speak French. Awwwww so cute! So pleased!
Oh my good lord come on. The heart can only take so much!!
Peter and Marcel are chatting side by side in Abu Dhabi.
Ok 25ks to go over here in The Space Race.
Oh interesting, the on-boards are live this time, that's what everyone was going on about this morning.
Pretty cool. The quality is a bit flou, but you can pinpoint Peter and Daniel Oss and Marcel anywhere.
Eliaaaaaaaa!
Marcel Kittel Cam really, these on-board cameras.
Just two up front now, including Gianluca Brambilla.
Sometimes Brian Smith throws MASSIVE shade on other teams.
Like I do know teams sometimes screw their riders over towards the end of the season when it's announced they're going somewhere else, but that's not what happened with Marcel Kittel this year is it.
Give it a rest Bri.
Luka Mezgec was doing some strategery with Marcel there. High level tactics and hand signals.
Break caught at 15.5k.
Counter attacks go. In the style of the French TAs, nothing too threatening.
Team Wiggins towards the back. Also in the style...
Okaaaaaay, all the feeds go out at 12k?????
Ok. 10k to go.
Omg Harley is there!! Christ not even being supported by his own manager. Poor Gossy. He just cannot catch a break.
He's going to One Pro next year?? Huh. See you at the Nocturne Harley!
Andy Fenn hanging around at the front.
A possible late launch of Marcus Burghardt!?!! YES PLEASE!
Oh here are some humans. Ok, like 12 people came out to see this race.
All together at the bell lap.
They are striiiiiiiinging this out.
I like Marcel Kittel but are the other 3 cameras not working?
3k to go.
So congrats Esteban Chaves. Sad face for Wout.
Wyss KILLING this on the front.
Sky now massively on this.
1.6k.
Andy, Swifty, Elia
Flamme Rouge
Peter is way at the back.
Oh no, that camera was misleading.
Swifty on the front!!!
TAKE US THERE SWIFTY
HE IS GRITTING HIS TEETH
He's off, Elia is freestyling now
Third position behind Oss
He's coming from behind Oss
DO IT
DO IT
PETER WHERE THE FUCK
OH MY FUCKING
THAT WAS MAD
Peter came from like nowhere and I thought was going to take it from Elia on the line!
YOU GO ELIA!!!!!
I mean this race is super fucking weird but WHO CARES ELIA WON HALF OF IT SO I LOVE IT.
Awwww Ben hugs Elia.
Tom Dumoulin gives him a little pat on the back.
Well that was excellent.
I can't get over yesterday. Can anyone get over yesterday??
There's bad luck and then there's staging the most badass chase/comeback to absolutely BOSS the stage and win the whole damn race only to SLIP in the FINAL FUCKING METERS and lose the stage AND THE WHOLE FUCKING TOUR.
I like Esteban Chaves and hats off showing such extreme class to cross the line with muted celebration, but OMFG Wout!! SO CLOSE in the Tour of Britain and now this??
Next year is Wout's year, I'm calling it.
And next year he will find love. #Woutontinder
It looks like Belgian Ted's got a cool mullet in this photo. Sad to see you go before live coverage starts Ted!
Giraffes in cycling situations!!
Ok so broadcasting started at the same time for both races. An enormous break in Paris-Tours with 7 and a half minutes, and a good-looking (and equally enormous) chase behind with 43k to go.
Up front: Heinrich Hausslar, Captain Curvers, Matteo, Tiesj, Greg VanAv, Ginger Pim, Arnaud Demare, among others. And also the rest of OPQS that isn't in the chase group.
On the chase: Niki!!, Julian Vermotte, Miki Schar, and the pleasing assonance of Marco Marcato (among others)
70k of the circuit over in Abu Dhabi with a few people out front and a duo of chasers. A couple of minutes for each.
Julian Vermotte just went way wide on that turn into someone's forecourt.
Hmmm a Giant has gone off the front of the chase group.
It's kind of a weird one out there in Abu Dhabi. Have there been any fans? It's kind of eerie.
There's Esteban in Wout's red jersey.
Just kidding. Kind of.
Niki is the patron of this chase. He is in control.
Onto the first of three climbs.
(Hey Peter!! Over in Abu Dhabi)
Some dude's gone off the front of the front now.
These guys can't wait to get to their holidays. They are FLYING along.
Front group is going mental at each other but for now it's the TA team making attacks so nothing's sticking.
(Hi Leo!!!! in Abu Dhabi)
OPQS are taking on a lot of this work, in all the groups, sooooo... I'm nervous.
This Abu Dhabi thing is just weirding me out so much. It's like a space race. Like they're on a space station and there are no humans and for some reason they're being made to ride around and around.
Come ride around our empty stadium at night. I mean that's what the invite must've said.
The two Frenchies out there are getting caught at 10k.
I'd like if Heinrich won. He's had a bit of a rough one this season.
I mean that's assuming Niki can't come back from that chase group at 2 minutes.
Whoooooo losing some men here on the climb.
MATTEO bossing on the front trying to split it.
Greg Van Av stays with him, and some other people.
Awww Heinrich on the back of the second group.
Trentin is a killer man. He just made Greg sprint out of that corner!
Now Greg goes!
They lost one guy, so now it's Matteo and Greg and Tosh Van der Sande out front alone.
GO MATTEO.
6.5k.
What's Captain Curvers doing? Was he trying to go solo?
They've got 24 seconds up there.
This chase group is depressing.
It's now or never and I think to be honest, it's never.
2.5k and they have nearly 30 seconds up there.
I mean they're kinda shooting around back there but nothing's working.
1.5k, COME ON MATTEO!!
Goujons is going for Best Placed Frenchman back there.
OH MY GOD CLASSIC GREG, does he have a mechanical!?
What is going on??
He seems to be having a Sep-style wheel breakdown but is still riding along.
Matteo is leading but they're slowing.
THIS IS SO TENSE
They're just slow slow slow.
MATTEO IS LIKE FUCK THIS I'M GOING
Greg can't go, like physically can't go. Fucking hell the unluck.
GO ON MATTEO!!!!!
COME ON!!!
HE JUST TOTALLY HAD THAT.
It was like weirdly no contest in the end.
YOU GO MATTEO.
I win 5 times in France on 7 professional wins. I always win in France actually!
Omg and then they made him speak French. Awwwww so cute! So pleased!
Oh my good lord come on. The heart can only take so much!!
Peter and Marcel are chatting side by side in Abu Dhabi.
Ok 25ks to go over here in The Space Race.
Oh interesting, the on-boards are live this time, that's what everyone was going on about this morning.
Pretty cool. The quality is a bit flou, but you can pinpoint Peter and Daniel Oss and Marcel anywhere.
Eliaaaaaaaa!
Marcel Kittel Cam really, these on-board cameras.
Just two up front now, including Gianluca Brambilla.
Sometimes Brian Smith throws MASSIVE shade on other teams.
Like I do know teams sometimes screw their riders over towards the end of the season when it's announced they're going somewhere else, but that's not what happened with Marcel Kittel this year is it.
Give it a rest Bri.
Luka Mezgec was doing some strategery with Marcel there. High level tactics and hand signals.
Break caught at 15.5k.
Counter attacks go. In the style of the French TAs, nothing too threatening.
Team Wiggins towards the back. Also in the style...
Okaaaaaay, all the feeds go out at 12k?????
Ok. 10k to go.
Omg Harley is there!! Christ not even being supported by his own manager. Poor Gossy. He just cannot catch a break.
He's going to One Pro next year?? Huh. See you at the Nocturne Harley!
Andy Fenn hanging around at the front.
A possible late launch of Marcus Burghardt!?!! YES PLEASE!
Oh here are some humans. Ok, like 12 people came out to see this race.
All together at the bell lap.
They are striiiiiiiinging this out.
I like Marcel Kittel but are the other 3 cameras not working?
3k to go.
So congrats Esteban Chaves. Sad face for Wout.
Wyss KILLING this on the front.
Sky now massively on this.
1.6k.
Andy, Swifty, Elia
Flamme Rouge
Peter is way at the back.
Oh no, that camera was misleading.
Swifty on the front!!!
TAKE US THERE SWIFTY
HE IS GRITTING HIS TEETH
He's off, Elia is freestyling now
Third position behind Oss
He's coming from behind Oss
DO IT
DO IT
PETER WHERE THE FUCK
OH MY FUCKING
THAT WAS MAD
Peter came from like nowhere and I thought was going to take it from Elia on the line!
YOU GO ELIA!!!!!
I mean this race is super fucking weird but WHO CARES ELIA WON HALF OF IT SO I LOVE IT.
Awwww Ben hugs Elia.
Tom Dumoulin gives him a little pat on the back.
Well that was excellent.
Sunday, 4 October 2015
Swimming with Sharks
Il Lombardia:
Cycle Sport are having a lovely, if confusing, time out there.
It's not that I don't appreciate the little free pirated links I use, but it'd be good if the advertised start times were moderately adhered to. Then maybe I wouldn't have to start every race annoyed after a fight with the internet.
And it's like I kind of care about Eurometropole, but do I really?
I mean it's literally everywhere now. Even on channels that weren't even on before. It's like a Eurometropole virus has taken over my computer.
And... Women's volleyball? The hell is going on.
At least nothing is going on in the race, according to Twitter.
Ohhh what??! I WANNA SEE.
Ok this looks like some sort of highlights/wrap up on the women's volleyball.
Orrrrrrr... just a massive slo-mo segment in the middle of a match. FFS.
AND BELGIAN TED IS ATTACKING. COME ON.
I'm starting to hate Eurometropole.
Several riders have gone off the front in the Gisallo, they are Tom Jelte Slagter (Cannondale-Garmin), Michal Kwiatkowski, Zdenek Stybar, Metteo Trentin, Carlos Verona, Lukasz Wisniowski (Etixx-QuickStep), Tim Wellens (Lotto Soudal), Jon Izaguirre (Movistar), Robert Gesink, Timo Roosen (Lotto NL-Jumbo), Nizzolo (Trek Factory Racing)
Cyclingnews have helpfully pointed out that Kwiato is in his new (old) colours. Look how cool he is.
Ahahahahaha, COFIDIS. COFIDIS won that Eurometropole stage. SWITCH OVER.
Are we honestly going to interview every participant in Eurometropole before we CHANGE COVERAGE!?!
Don't lie to me BMC.
Fucking hell merciful god.
I feel like the entirety of Eurometropole was broadcast and like the last 10 minutes of Lombardia is. What is going on in the world?
Anyway, I'll get over it. 54k to go.
Magnus Backstedt has a rather English accent doesn't he?
So there's some dudes out front but we're more concerned with the chasers, who include: Michal, Geshke's Beard, TJ Butcher, and Belgian Ted among others.
Mother of christ this is what they're climbing at the moment.
Meh Geschke's Beard has been dropped and is back in the peloton.
Oh hello Dan, where are you?
ALLO MICHAL YOU LOOK IMPERIAL.
Not sure where we are, just watching people come up the climb I guess.
A Yates
HEY LEO
DAN!
PHIL
Belgian Ted and Michal at the head of the race together?
Belgian Ted slipped through a very tight spot between the motorbike and Michal, not sure if Michal's subsequent hand gesture was to indicate "chill, dude".
There's some grassy knoll style graphics going on but not sure what they're trying to highlight.
They suspect Michal wants a lead bike to indicate where the eff he's going on this foggy descent.
SAFETY FIRST MICHAL.
Astana have been chasing this whole time btw.
UGH What is THAT descent!! Belgian Ted could've easily pitched over that bridge!
Michal and Belgian Ted have 28 seconds.
40k to go
(G's wedding looked amaze, on another note)
Phillllllllll! Very quite hard climbs Phil says.
Ahahaha, he had a bit to say about people chasing WT points. Then you understand the next day when you see the papers. I LOVE PHIL AND HIS KIND FACE.
Why does Matt Stephens give a shit about resting your arms in the middle of your handlebars? He's always going on about it.
Haven't had much of an update but Michal and Belgian Ted seem to have about 36 seconds on a chasing group of about 20 riders.
Phil seems to be chasing the chase group solo.
HEY PHIL
When did he do that epic solo chase earlier this year? DO IT AGAIN PHIL.
28.5k to go.
Ah Phil's got some company. Rui Costa at least, and 2 others maybe.
Alessandro Volta, the man who gave his name to the word 'Volt' was born in Como, where we finish today.
The chase group includes TJ Butcher, WEE PETE KENNAUGH (they think), Simon Yates, George Bennett, Thibault Pinot, and other less interesting people like all of Astana and Valv.Piti.
Michal and Belgian Ted are onto the penultimate climb.
Aww TJ Butcher getting left behind.
Michal alone??!
Oh christ not for long.
Astana is pegging him back.
Awww DAMMIT Michal seems to indicate.
Meh. Back in the group he goes.
Ugh stop mentioning people I don't want to win in this group.
Nibali and Chaves peeling off the front
Moreno (sadly not Moser) brings Thibault Pinot and Valv.Piti across.
Some Skys hitch back on.
Sergio Henao going to the front?
Wout is dropped from this group. #Woutontinder
The Shark of Messina has another go at the front
There's like six dudes up here.
Chaves follows Nibali, Dani Moreno, Valv.Piti, Thibault Pinot, Nieve I think, another Astana
Pinot goes!
Nieve follows!
and an Astana follows.
Brambilla dropped from the front group.
Nieve sort of went again
Diego Rosa goes and Pinot chases
SHARK ATTACK!!
Pinot looks to see no one else is going to do the chase and GOES
Back together, six at the front: Nibali, Rosa, Chaves, Moreno, Pinot and Valv.Piti
Nieve is latching back on the back
They're over the top now and Nibali attacks again
Fucking hell he's getting away
He is taking insane risks on the descent
UGH these wheel screeches are terrible.
WOAH ok suddenly we're not at 16k but 12k.
Still a final climb to go
It's not that I don't like Nibali or don't want him to win, but...
I mean there are loads of better people aren't there?
WOAH the motorbike nearly wedged him into a wall. Fucking hell.
They're saying he has 25 seconds now.
Also someone is screwing up the descent lines for everyone but I missed who.
10k to go, onto the flat-ish now
The six behind are kinda all over the place. No one particularly wants to pull.
Oooh some further chasers now
Votre Copain Tony Gallopin is there, Brambilla is also back.
Magnus Backstedt is suggesting they threaten these remaining Astanas.
40 seconds for The Shark.
Pinot goes!
He got away but Moreno is dragging everyone back.
Cheers Moreno, bringing Valv.Piti and an Astana. You're a legend.
Moreno looks like he's gone away now
Pinot on his wheel
6.5k to go
Those two have got some air
Pinot sort of getting distanced
How much has he got left? What is the gap?
17 seconds, Moreno is coming for the Shark.
The group is 32 seconds behind
Ugh, Nibali is onto the descent.
Moreno is too now
5k
I mean they're close! Moreno at 14 seconds, Pinot at 24.
CATCH HIM.
3k.
11 seconds behind for Moreno, 22 for Pinot, 33 for whoever is back there chasing.
Well.
The GPS went insane and suddenly we're actually just at the finish.
So it's the Shark.
It's not as good as Dan winning is it?
Best placed Frenchman, and a podium at that! GO THIBAULT.
TJ Butcher came 13th.
I guess at least Valv.Piti didn't win.
Cycle Sport are having a lovely, if confusing, time out there.
It's not that I don't appreciate the little free pirated links I use, but it'd be good if the advertised start times were moderately adhered to. Then maybe I wouldn't have to start every race annoyed after a fight with the internet.
And it's like I kind of care about Eurometropole, but do I really?
I mean it's literally everywhere now. Even on channels that weren't even on before. It's like a Eurometropole virus has taken over my computer.
And... Women's volleyball? The hell is going on.
At least nothing is going on in the race, according to Twitter.
Ohhh what??! I WANNA SEE.
Ok this looks like some sort of highlights/wrap up on the women's volleyball.
Orrrrrrr... just a massive slo-mo segment in the middle of a match. FFS.
AND BELGIAN TED IS ATTACKING. COME ON.
I'm starting to hate Eurometropole.
Several riders have gone off the front in the Gisallo, they are Tom Jelte Slagter (Cannondale-Garmin), Michal Kwiatkowski, Zdenek Stybar, Metteo Trentin, Carlos Verona, Lukasz Wisniowski (Etixx-QuickStep), Tim Wellens (Lotto Soudal), Jon Izaguirre (Movistar), Robert Gesink, Timo Roosen (Lotto NL-Jumbo), Nizzolo (Trek Factory Racing)
Cyclingnews have helpfully pointed out that Kwiato is in his new (old) colours. Look how cool he is.
Ahahahahaha, COFIDIS. COFIDIS won that Eurometropole stage. SWITCH OVER.
Are we honestly going to interview every participant in Eurometropole before we CHANGE COVERAGE!?!
Don't lie to me BMC.
Fucking hell merciful god.
I feel like the entirety of Eurometropole was broadcast and like the last 10 minutes of Lombardia is. What is going on in the world?
Anyway, I'll get over it. 54k to go.
Magnus Backstedt has a rather English accent doesn't he?
So there's some dudes out front but we're more concerned with the chasers, who include: Michal, Geshke's Beard, TJ Butcher, and Belgian Ted among others.
Mother of christ this is what they're climbing at the moment.
Meh Geschke's Beard has been dropped and is back in the peloton.
Oh hello Dan, where are you?
ALLO MICHAL YOU LOOK IMPERIAL.
Not sure where we are, just watching people come up the climb I guess.
A Yates
HEY LEO
DAN!
PHIL
Belgian Ted and Michal at the head of the race together?
Belgian Ted slipped through a very tight spot between the motorbike and Michal, not sure if Michal's subsequent hand gesture was to indicate "chill, dude".
There's some grassy knoll style graphics going on but not sure what they're trying to highlight.
They suspect Michal wants a lead bike to indicate where the eff he's going on this foggy descent.
SAFETY FIRST MICHAL.
Astana have been chasing this whole time btw.
UGH What is THAT descent!! Belgian Ted could've easily pitched over that bridge!
Michal and Belgian Ted have 28 seconds.
40k to go
(G's wedding looked amaze, on another note)
Phillllllllll! Very quite hard climbs Phil says.
Ahahaha, he had a bit to say about people chasing WT points. Then you understand the next day when you see the papers. I LOVE PHIL AND HIS KIND FACE.
Why does Matt Stephens give a shit about resting your arms in the middle of your handlebars? He's always going on about it.
Haven't had much of an update but Michal and Belgian Ted seem to have about 36 seconds on a chasing group of about 20 riders.
Phil seems to be chasing the chase group solo.
HEY PHIL
When did he do that epic solo chase earlier this year? DO IT AGAIN PHIL.
28.5k to go.
Ah Phil's got some company. Rui Costa at least, and 2 others maybe.
Alessandro Volta, the man who gave his name to the word 'Volt' was born in Como, where we finish today.
The chase group includes TJ Butcher, WEE PETE KENNAUGH (they think), Simon Yates, George Bennett, Thibault Pinot, and other less interesting people like all of Astana and Valv.Piti.
Michal and Belgian Ted are onto the penultimate climb.
Aww TJ Butcher getting left behind.
Michal alone??!
Oh christ not for long.
Astana is pegging him back.
Awww DAMMIT Michal seems to indicate.
Meh. Back in the group he goes.
Ugh stop mentioning people I don't want to win in this group.
Nibali and Chaves peeling off the front
Moreno (sadly not Moser) brings Thibault Pinot and Valv.Piti across.
Some Skys hitch back on.
Sergio Henao going to the front?
Wout is dropped from this group. #Woutontinder
The Shark of Messina has another go at the front
There's like six dudes up here.
Chaves follows Nibali, Dani Moreno, Valv.Piti, Thibault Pinot, Nieve I think, another Astana
Pinot goes!
Nieve follows!
and an Astana follows.
Brambilla dropped from the front group.
Nieve sort of went again
Diego Rosa goes and Pinot chases
SHARK ATTACK!!
Pinot looks to see no one else is going to do the chase and GOES
Back together, six at the front: Nibali, Rosa, Chaves, Moreno, Pinot and Valv.Piti
Nieve is latching back on the back
They're over the top now and Nibali attacks again
Fucking hell he's getting away
He is taking insane risks on the descent
UGH these wheel screeches are terrible.
WOAH ok suddenly we're not at 16k but 12k.
Still a final climb to go
It's not that I don't like Nibali or don't want him to win, but...
I mean there are loads of better people aren't there?
WOAH the motorbike nearly wedged him into a wall. Fucking hell.
They're saying he has 25 seconds now.
Also someone is screwing up the descent lines for everyone but I missed who.
10k to go, onto the flat-ish now
The six behind are kinda all over the place. No one particularly wants to pull.
Oooh some further chasers now
Votre Copain Tony Gallopin is there, Brambilla is also back.
Magnus Backstedt is suggesting they threaten these remaining Astanas.
40 seconds for The Shark.
Pinot goes!
He got away but Moreno is dragging everyone back.
Cheers Moreno, bringing Valv.Piti and an Astana. You're a legend.
Moreno looks like he's gone away now
Pinot on his wheel
6.5k to go
Those two have got some air
Pinot sort of getting distanced
How much has he got left? What is the gap?
17 seconds, Moreno is coming for the Shark.
The group is 32 seconds behind
Ugh, Nibali is onto the descent.
Moreno is too now
5k
I mean they're close! Moreno at 14 seconds, Pinot at 24.
CATCH HIM.
3k.
11 seconds behind for Moreno, 22 for Pinot, 33 for whoever is back there chasing.
Well.
The GPS went insane and suddenly we're actually just at the finish.
So it's the Shark.
It's not as good as Dan winning is it?
Best placed Frenchman, and a podium at that! GO THIBAULT.
TJ Butcher came 13th.
I guess at least Valv.Piti didn't win.
Sunday, 27 September 2015
EVERY DAY IS A PETER SAGAN DAY
World Road Race Championship, Richmond:
This most excellent picture has been making the rounds.
Then of course you've got this number.
I mean really, everyone out in their national kits, though at times confusing, is excellent.
Well today, possibly more than any other day, our hearts are pulled many different directions, but...
One thing's for sure.
Okaaaaaaaay, my heart exploded. What a lovely man.
And another. TOO CUTE.
I wish there was a Worlds Extra with Juan Antonio and Ashley. Watching highlights of the... car racing of some kind? isn't quite the same build up.
Nice one. I'd buy what they're selling.
Could we not have a Periscope sign-on or something?
Just got Ted killing us and reminding us about parties we can't go to.
I CAN'T WAIT.
... Every day is a Peter Sagan day?
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE I want everyone to win!!
Cool. This is bullshit. Geo-restriction is such a bitch.
I mean why should ANY OTHER SPORT BE ALLOWED to be broadcast right now?!! NO ONE CARES.
OMFG tell us about growing up in Manchester playing on the grass, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?!
Managed to get the U23s and the Women on but CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS??
Legit now listening to some dude in his basement commentating on this.
But he's got a feed, soooo.
The original, slightly dull break has been joined by Representative of the International King Dynasty Ben King. BEN LOVES A LONG BREAK.
The Dutch are swarming already at the front.
ALLO GESCHKE'S BEARD.
Haiiiiii Kwiato!!
And a few indeterminate USAs.
Must be Lawson Craddock or something.
I mean actually this guy is better than a lot of 'professional' commentators.
"Go get your snacks. I'm hyped!"
Plus he's discussing the Elmiger Conundrum/Stybar Phenomenon, in which Vakoc would attack in the Czech champs jersey and everyone thought it was Styby.
Ben's pulling a bit solo...
I think he was just asserting his dominance on Libby Hill.
Ughhhh are people still arguing about power meters?? Get over it. We're not going back to wool jerseys and headbands.
TAYLOR.
Geschke's Beard near the front.
Man the peloton is about 4 and a half minutes back but it seems like aaaaaaaaages when they come through the finish line.
Feedzone not really a feedzone at the minute. Latvia just emphatically shouting hey at their dudes as they pass.
Somebody needs to do a study about colour association in the pro peloton. I CAN'T EVEN SEE people when I'm looking right at them cuz of these kits.
Presumably Eurosport isn't actually even showing this? I left it an extra hour. Still tennis.
The Dutch have mostly come off the front here. Just Jos Van Emden holding strong.
Possibly a few Germans behind him.
Spain is massing back there too.
Oh Jos has some buddies again.
SHOW US THIS! Adorable.
Ben loves leading on Libby Hill.
Belgium showing some face at the front.
I've sort of turned on this commentator now.
Mostly because he's not commentating. He's just responding to tweets on air. Which isn't exactly what I was looking for.
T-PHIN! What's happening?!!
Maybe he was just weeing. Like this other dude back here.
Is he having a problem??
I can't tell if it's neutral service or a team car. It's not emblazoned with eagles and stars and stripes so unclear.
He seems to be indicating issues with his bike though.
This dude's trying to get me back on side: "Don't we all just love-- I love Taylor Phinney!"
ALEX.
Thank you for wearing your garish helmet for easy spotting!
GB's keeping quiet so far.
TAYLOR WHAT IS HAPPENING?!!!?
He's having real issues with his bike here.
Why can't this be resolved!!? I'm so stressed.
Oh he's not far behind actually.
Chill out, me.
But can we just get him a new bike please!?
Gesink hopping off in the feed zone with some sort of bike issue too.
They seem to be duct taping his saddle??
OH CRASH. A Costa Rica is down.
What is going on? This is like The Curse of Lap 13.
More bike problems, for... Serbia?
Oh is it the dude from the break? Bad luck.
Well it was a bitch of a chase but he caught back up.
OMG another crash.
Germany! No!
GB was getting held up too, but upright.
It would bore me loads if Kristoff won.
Everyone racing for the base of the climb. Good lord.
NIGHTMARE BELGIUM!!!!
COKEY TOM!
Everyone's out of the car sorting him out.
Ok he's off again it's all good.
I think he just attempted to fistfight a car. I know who my money's on.
Ok he caught back on.
Someone on the Belgium team having a little laugh there mid-pack.
Poland representing at the front. Behind the Dutch, obviously.
Taylor. What is happening. He's done at least two laps back at the car here.
Ok it's happening now.
He glanced at the bike on the roof and is on to a new one.
I think I'm in love.
IN LOVE.
What is even going on here?
THE AWESOMEST TEAM. GO EVERYONE!
Jesse Sergent being cut out of his base layers for some reason...
Germany taking to the front of the peloton now.
I love this giant BEN KING blanket on the curve of the Libby Hill climb.
I would just fucking die (in a good way) if John Degenkolb won.
Hey Stevo! I see you in there!
Tony! Hi Tony!
Geschke's Beard chatting to Christian Knees up at the front.
The Gorilla spotted up there.
GB are chilling exclusively near the back.
Ugh Gerrans would be another snoozer of a winner.
It's too bad Carlton Kirby is such a fucking idiot.
Are people legally required to refer to Connor Dunne with the words: 'the tall, rangy figure'?
Fucking hell. Tell me more about this dual passports while you're at it.
TELL US ABOUT IT AXEL.
Mimosas hittin' hard are they? MAYBE IF WE WISH ENOUGH IT WILL COME TRUE.
Fuuuuuuuucking hell does Carlton Kirby have a thought processing issue?? like for real?
It's 'Libby Hill' isn't it?? Matt Stephens keeps calling it 'Libby's Hill'. Did I miss a memo?
Belgium putting some bodies near the front.
Poland too. The French, for the first time.
HEY TAYLOR. Good to see you in the pack.
Please stay there.
GO STYBY.
Good lord but this race is long.
Luke?? Where's Luke?
Oh hey Luke!
Ian has got to be the most recognisable rider the peloton. No one else has those shoulders.
This feedzone is awfully narrow. And full of shit that could trip you up. Christ.
Uran Uran would be another snoozer.
Just quicker to note who I wouldn't care to see win than the other way around.
HEY STEVE.
That's a good camera angle, wherever that is. Several others aren't very illuminating.
You'd think Ben King was going for the King of the Mountains here. He has taken the climb from the front every single time.
Why would you want the race to be shorter?? It's so brutal and awesome.
What's happening back here?? I see an American shoe coming unclipped back there.
TAYLOR IS HAVING MORE PROBLEMS
I don't know if this Canadian dude was throwing him off or what.
He got going again but like what the hell.
I mean that's awesome. USA! USA!
Hey Ian's giant shoulders.
WOAH that gap is DOWN. 1.20 now.
Ok LMNH let's not clog the twitter feed with randos' stupid predictions.
Fucking KIDOLOGY again. JUST SAY BLUFFING YOU MASSIVE BLOWHARD.
Getting quite a lot of picture break up all of a sudden.
The break possibly contemplating their future...
Or maybe that one dude was just looking for Ben King.
Kiry is also very recognisable.
K how bout instead of debating the definition of rocky road and droning on with inconsequential family stories you just tell us who is on the front of this group?
GERMANY. They are taking this climb by the balls.
Alex!
Ohh Ukraine being distanced from the breakaway now.
All getting a bit messy and pushy here mid-back of the peloton.
Yul-ian? He's not Spanish ffs.
Rafal Majka up front there.
Peloton regrouping after the feed.
Chad loves to throw shade!!
The Dutch talking charge again.
They are STRINGING THIS OUT
Oop glimpse of Andy Fenn there.
Sometimes they are so bad at commentating I could literally scream.
They should trial some of the Goggleboxers. I'd watch that for sure.
What team is this predominantly red with a navy stripe?
Bling there
Matteo!
Andy again.
USA coming to the front.
HEY TAYLOR
SITTING ON IAN'S WHEEL
DYLAN
KEEP THIS CAMERA ON THIS IS AMAZING.
Oh shit crash at the back. OH MAN did he hit that bridge underpass??
OOH the group is not far behind
Belgium leading up the climb with Geshke's Beard in second position.
And a giant Peter Sagan head being waved in the crowd.
Is Stijn Vandenbergh here? Must be him leading on the front, like the enormous giant man that he is.
They caught that Ukrainian who I assumed they'd caught ages ago.
Hard going up this climb.
Iljooooooooooo!
Moderate attacking here?
Or is Ben King going for imaginary sprint points as well?
Is this Costa Rican they're showing the dude who crashed?
Oh no. Never mind. He and that other dude out there in the distance are breakaways about to be swept up by the peloton.
Not before the other one gives a bizarre victory salute??
The hell is going on.
Who is this dude?
Spain, Poland, some of Belgium, and what I'm hazarding a guess is Norway en masse in front.
Oh has he given up then? Who are you?? Anyway whoever he is got off in the feedzone and hugged someone.
Ooooh it's the Serbian dude from the break. Anyway. Weird.
Netherlands pushing the pace again. Seems like Valverde behind, with Poland and a bit of GB for the first time.
Matteo having an intense chat with the team car.
IAN
ALEX
Ok considering he's ridden on the front of literally this entire race, let's not disrespect the man by calling him "Josh" Van Emden.
Snacktime for Ben in the break. A flapjack of some sort perhaps.
Tony, Alex, Ian.
Really obnoxious picture break up but getting some frozen glimpses of Ian and Alex quite a bit.
Ben is trying to captain the breakaway ship.
LE CROW
Problem for Tony??
New bike, he's going again.
Thank you for confirming four hours later that that is Norway. Ace commentating.
Stevo still on the back here.
Gap at 32 seconds.
100k still to go.
Belgium are everywhere. They have dudes all over this group.
TAYLOR
Who's this Canadian dude with the beard?
Oooh mess here, a crash.
Oh no an Italian!
Oss nooooooo!
Hard to figure out what the eff is going on with all this picture break but gaps are forming in this group.
Well we know Johnny D and Swifty are together, based on the finish line board.
Fans of other sports will never understand.
I don't know what group we're looking at here.
Unsurprisingly, the Dutch are at the front and pushing it. That's about all that can be confirmed.
Ok good the two front groups came together so that's somewhat less confusing.
Germany and Alex on their wheel are chasing behind.
Ohhh bummer Oss is out.
I think maybe everyone came back together now. Breakaway included.
Alexxxxxxxxx
What are you up to?
He had a little go there but back in the group.
Ohhh Jos has ridden himself into the ground and dropped out. WELL DONE JOS.
Belgium taking control now.
ILJO
Look at him, so so smooth. Am I commentating?
Greg VanAv with Tony on his wheel up this climb.
Ok I don't want it to rain cuz I don't want people to get hurt, but give us a reason for this picture breakup! It's like scenes from The Conjuring out here.
Belgium powering up the climb.
Taylor thrashing up the climb.
Belgium checking back as they crest the hill, making sure they got all their dudes.
Oh? Who are you and what are you up to?
There seems to be a solo Dutch dude out front, about to be caught. Where did he come from?
Australia now making their presence known.
Slightly. I mean, like one guy.
Oh apparently that was Gesink who made an attack that was missed out in all the picture break up. Anyway he's back again so..
Maybe if they'd let Michal bring his drones we wouldn't be having these problems.
Kosta, Guillaume Boivin and another dude have gotten away.
USA on the horizon
IT'S TAYLOR OF COURSE IT IS
HI TAYLOR YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN
Expect a movie about his life.
All of Germany at the front.
Belgium there, and Poland
BEAUTIFUL.
GB moving up to hang with Germany.
Someone attacking off the front of the peloton now
Don't know who it is but it's someone without teammates/countrymen.
Yikes I thought Taylor had a bit of a Tyler going on there but it was just his jersey flapping.
OMFG Taylor leading up Libby Hill is like the most beautiful image of America. Like it should be our new flag.
Sep is trying to get away!
Oh Sep is so often on the losing end!
I swear if he punctures at a race-winning moment this time he should probably just give up on professional bike racing.
Oh my god Stannard is chasing him. I mean, the man has no luck.
LOOK AT HIM!!!! Embrace the new flag!!!
THIS PICTURE BREAKUP IS UNACCEPTABLE. Seriously WHAT THE FUCK.
Oh Geshke and Ian were out in a little group apparently but we missed that and now they're back in the peloton.
Alright Richmond, don't be a bunch of dicks.
Also somehow suddenly the Cyclinghub feed has been subsumed by the Eurosport feed and goes to commercials now??? CAN I LIVE.
Taylor stretching his knee.
60k left.
The break has a minute 47 apparently. THANK YOU TWITTER.
Oh shit another crash!
UGH a Polish rider went into the hedges HARD.
THAT FEEDZONE HAS BEEN LOOKING TREACHEROUS ALL DAY.
Not clear who was involved really. Daryl Impey they said, and Lars Bak. Spain was on the floor in some capacity.
KOEN KNOWS.
BELGIUM. Doing something. Looks like that dude out in Denmark or wherever got the pirate feed back up while Eurosport is on commercial break.
Cyclingnews is reporting that a lot of lovely people were held up with that crash and are 15 seconds behind, so let's hope that sorts itself out.
WOAH what Aussie just came unclipped??
This fucking feed!!!!
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN BUT YES AXEL
I feel insane what if he wins they'll have to shut the city down.
Spain is doing a bunch of stuff I think
30 seconds apparently for Taylor Phinney and apparently it's raining?
40k to go. Maybe. I mean maybe it froze so long the race is actually over and I don't realise it.
Entirely new team here at the front of the peloton. Denmark?
GB TAKING IT ON NOW
OMG too adorable.
Hard to tell if people are attacking on the climb or just riding it.
Well I guess all this shitty feed bullshit saved me from seeing Taylor being caught, which apparently he was.
OH T.
2 laps to go and Bauke Ian Tom possibly, KWIATO?!
An Italian, a Spaniard
Germany is chasing behind.
THE ITALIAN IS VIVIANI
There are a few others but away we have COKEY TOM, IAN STANNARD, KWIATO, ELIA, BAUKE.
26 seconds they have
30k
I'm gonna call these guys The Engine Room.
33 seconds at the next count
USA has joined in the chase behind
Also what looks like Italy but must be someone else
The Gorilla is doing all this chasing
He's let Ben King do a bit now
Bling is up there too
For reals. Tim and I are in mind meld today.
DON'T LET ME DREAM!!!!!!!
I think that is Italy but I think they're just staying close to the front for safety.
Belgium is doing the same on the other side.
23 seconds and 23k, Germany is still basically the only team chasing
I can't deal with these close ups of Cokey Tom. He is SUCH A DUDE.
Ohhh the Netherlands.
Perhaps it's time for Niki's attack!!
Oh hey Tom! (Dumoulin this time). Haven't seen you about much!
UGGGGGH These long straight American boulevards are SO HARSH when you see the peloton chasing!
COKEY TOM TAKES US UP LIBBY HILL
Under 20k
What's this??
The Engine Room has been joined by some passengers.
Elia looks like he's gonna vom.
In fact, everyone looks like they gonna vom.
The Gorilla and a German companion are dying on Libby Hill.
Greg VanAv now pulls the expanded Engine Room, which is like 20 people.
Looks like it's coming back together anyhow.
Well that was momentarily thrilling.
Matteo Trentin is a the front and the Netherlands is PUSHING ON AGAIN
Belgium is getting in the mix
BELL LAP
That bell ringer is way too chill. I mean I know she's a professional but I'd be like screaming and weeping and banging that bell.
Dumoulin talking to someone and taking to the front
TOM IS NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOU
DO SOME WORK. He shakes his head.
DON'T YOU LAMPRE THIS, LAMPRE
Olivera was trying to go solo but some others have hitched on now
They're not far ahead but there's a Belgian there. Cuz Belgium is always there.
Ahhh it was Tiesj Benoot! But they're caught now.
Italy massing at the front.
Australia too
11k to go
Attack by Belarus
And AMERICA FOLLOWS
USA burying himself. I think it's Tyler given that riding style.
Ah yes his man bun sticks up when he puts his head down
Well I thought it was futile given the camera angles but they're getting a little away. Under 10k.
It would be utterly hysterical to me if Tyler Farrar won this.
Oh it's Kosta!
I mean it's totally preposterous and not worth entertaining but I wouldn't mind if Tyler won, cuz he was really good friends with Wouter Weylandt.
Well 6k and they've got 8 seconds.
Peak hipster.
Nah Italy's got these guys.
Italy swarms from one side and Belgium from the other. Terrifying.
Tyler really doesn't want to give up.
But give up Ty, it's over.
IT IS A MESS UP HERE
4k
LIBBY HILL
I DON'T KNOW WHAT COUNTRY THIS IS
Germany is following and then Belgium
OH MY GOD OF COURSE IT'S STYBAR
AND JOHN OF COURSE AND GREG I DUNNO MAYBE
NIKIIIIIIIIIIII
GO SOLO NIKI NOW IS THE TIME
I'M SERIOUSLY GONNA VOMIT
3k
What Belgian are you??
PETER OF COURSE YOU'RE THERE!!!
He's supertuck descending on what doesn't even look like a descent!!
PETER LEADS AT 2k!!!
I DONT KNOW WHO'S CHASING I DONT KNOW IF I WANT THEM TO CATCH HIM
HE'S AT THE FLAMME!!!!!!!!
He's got such a gap can he hold it!!?!!?!
THEY'RE COMING FOR HIM
BELGIUM SPECIFICALLY
HE IS A BEAST MAN
HE'S GONNA DO IT I THINK
THEY CAN'T GET TO HIM CAN THEY?!!?!?
PETERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
He hops off the bike and throws his arms into the air and high fives Cokey Tom and hugs Styby
And throws his helmet into the crowd
They're like physically prying him and his girlfriend apart.
Ahh well done Bling for second!
(And therefore by proxy, GO ADAM!)
Oh my god this Eritrean guy is being carried on the shoulders of all these fans. This is mental.
What amazingness is Peter going to gift us with in this post-race chat?
I think he's trying to make a statement on the refugee crisis. I mean it is deeply unclear, but... I dunno... PETER SAGAN FOR PRESIDENT.
I had my brother with me, Juraj.
I think he also said he was 'in the crazy'.
I just eat, eat all the gels what I have.
I did just one attack, and I think it was the right attack.
His final comment was basically like IN YOUR FACE HATERS. I see what you say about me on the internet and I'VE GOT RAINBOWS BITCH.
OH PETER!
Oh he's got a giant flag!
WEAR THAT RAINBOW PETER!
Bling is gesturing that the flag is just over to the left.
Odd little anthem, that. It's sort of dark and dramatic and then ends on a jig.
Obviously had to freeze that one last time when there are no doubt excellent podium antics going on.
BUT YOU CAN'T BRING ME DOWN.
This is like an image off the Pope's US tour.
Did I ever. Taylor's time is coming, just you wait.
Oh my god, beautiful. That was one of the greatest things ever.
Johnny D wins the Male Modelling With Pippo Pozzato Award NO CONTEST.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!
Meanwhile, have you seen my belt? I can't find her anywhere.
OMFG I didn't think it could get better.
This is amazing.
Ohhhhhhhhh Return of the Vengabus!!!!! JEALS.
Or maybe a quiet night in.
Fucking BEST EVER. I dunno which is better: him completely pitching over or that teammate's massive gold hoop earring?
This most excellent picture has been making the rounds.
Then of course you've got this number.
I mean really, everyone out in their national kits, though at times confusing, is excellent.
Well today, possibly more than any other day, our hearts are pulled many different directions, but...
One thing's for sure.
Okaaaaaaaay, my heart exploded. What a lovely man.
And another. TOO CUTE.
I wish there was a Worlds Extra with Juan Antonio and Ashley. Watching highlights of the... car racing of some kind? isn't quite the same build up.
Nice one. I'd buy what they're selling.
Could we not have a Periscope sign-on or something?
Just got Ted killing us and reminding us about parties we can't go to.
I CAN'T WAIT.
... Every day is a Peter Sagan day?
THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE I want everyone to win!!
Cool. This is bullshit. Geo-restriction is such a bitch.
I mean why should ANY OTHER SPORT BE ALLOWED to be broadcast right now?!! NO ONE CARES.
OMFG tell us about growing up in Manchester playing on the grass, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?!
Managed to get the U23s and the Women on but CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS??
Legit now listening to some dude in his basement commentating on this.
But he's got a feed, soooo.
The original, slightly dull break has been joined by Representative of the International King Dynasty Ben King. BEN LOVES A LONG BREAK.
The Dutch are swarming already at the front.
ALLO GESCHKE'S BEARD.
Haiiiiii Kwiato!!
And a few indeterminate USAs.
Must be Lawson Craddock or something.
I mean actually this guy is better than a lot of 'professional' commentators.
"Go get your snacks. I'm hyped!"
Plus he's discussing the Elmiger Conundrum/Stybar Phenomenon, in which Vakoc would attack in the Czech champs jersey and everyone thought it was Styby.
Ben's pulling a bit solo...
I think he was just asserting his dominance on Libby Hill.
Ughhhh are people still arguing about power meters?? Get over it. We're not going back to wool jerseys and headbands.
TAYLOR.
Geschke's Beard near the front.
Man the peloton is about 4 and a half minutes back but it seems like aaaaaaaaages when they come through the finish line.
Feedzone not really a feedzone at the minute. Latvia just emphatically shouting hey at their dudes as they pass.
Somebody needs to do a study about colour association in the pro peloton. I CAN'T EVEN SEE people when I'm looking right at them cuz of these kits.
Presumably Eurosport isn't actually even showing this? I left it an extra hour. Still tennis.
The Dutch have mostly come off the front here. Just Jos Van Emden holding strong.
Possibly a few Germans behind him.
Spain is massing back there too.
Oh Jos has some buddies again.
SHOW US THIS! Adorable.
Ben loves leading on Libby Hill.
Belgium showing some face at the front.
I've sort of turned on this commentator now.
Mostly because he's not commentating. He's just responding to tweets on air. Which isn't exactly what I was looking for.
T-PHIN! What's happening?!!
Maybe he was just weeing. Like this other dude back here.
Is he having a problem??
I can't tell if it's neutral service or a team car. It's not emblazoned with eagles and stars and stripes so unclear.
He seems to be indicating issues with his bike though.
This dude's trying to get me back on side: "Don't we all just love-- I love Taylor Phinney!"
ALEX.
Thank you for wearing your garish helmet for easy spotting!
GB's keeping quiet so far.
TAYLOR WHAT IS HAPPENING?!!!?
He's having real issues with his bike here.
Why can't this be resolved!!? I'm so stressed.
Oh he's not far behind actually.
Chill out, me.
But can we just get him a new bike please!?
Gesink hopping off in the feed zone with some sort of bike issue too.
They seem to be duct taping his saddle??
OH CRASH. A Costa Rica is down.
What is going on? This is like The Curse of Lap 13.
More bike problems, for... Serbia?
Oh is it the dude from the break? Bad luck.
Well it was a bitch of a chase but he caught back up.
OMG another crash.
Germany! No!
GB was getting held up too, but upright.
It would bore me loads if Kristoff won.
Everyone racing for the base of the climb. Good lord.
NIGHTMARE BELGIUM!!!!
COKEY TOM!
Everyone's out of the car sorting him out.
Ok he's off again it's all good.
I think he just attempted to fistfight a car. I know who my money's on.
Ok he caught back on.
Someone on the Belgium team having a little laugh there mid-pack.
Poland representing at the front. Behind the Dutch, obviously.
Taylor. What is happening. He's done at least two laps back at the car here.
Ok it's happening now.
He glanced at the bike on the roof and is on to a new one.
I think I'm in love.
IN LOVE.
What is even going on here?
THE AWESOMEST TEAM. GO EVERYONE!
Jesse Sergent being cut out of his base layers for some reason...
Germany taking to the front of the peloton now.
I love this giant BEN KING blanket on the curve of the Libby Hill climb.
I would just fucking die (in a good way) if John Degenkolb won.
Hey Stevo! I see you in there!
Tony! Hi Tony!
Geschke's Beard chatting to Christian Knees up at the front.
The Gorilla spotted up there.
GB are chilling exclusively near the back.
Ugh Gerrans would be another snoozer of a winner.
It's too bad Carlton Kirby is such a fucking idiot.
Are people legally required to refer to Connor Dunne with the words: 'the tall, rangy figure'?
Fucking hell. Tell me more about this dual passports while you're at it.
TELL US ABOUT IT AXEL.
Mimosas hittin' hard are they? MAYBE IF WE WISH ENOUGH IT WILL COME TRUE.
Fuuuuuuuucking hell does Carlton Kirby have a thought processing issue?? like for real?
It's 'Libby Hill' isn't it?? Matt Stephens keeps calling it 'Libby's Hill'. Did I miss a memo?
Belgium putting some bodies near the front.
Poland too. The French, for the first time.
HEY TAYLOR. Good to see you in the pack.
Please stay there.
GO STYBY.
Good lord but this race is long.
Luke?? Where's Luke?
Oh hey Luke!
Ian has got to be the most recognisable rider the peloton. No one else has those shoulders.
This feedzone is awfully narrow. And full of shit that could trip you up. Christ.
Uran Uran would be another snoozer.
Just quicker to note who I wouldn't care to see win than the other way around.
HEY STEVE.
That's a good camera angle, wherever that is. Several others aren't very illuminating.
You'd think Ben King was going for the King of the Mountains here. He has taken the climb from the front every single time.
Why would you want the race to be shorter?? It's so brutal and awesome.
What's happening back here?? I see an American shoe coming unclipped back there.
TAYLOR IS HAVING MORE PROBLEMS
I don't know if this Canadian dude was throwing him off or what.
He got going again but like what the hell.
I mean that's awesome. USA! USA!
Hey Ian's giant shoulders.
WOAH that gap is DOWN. 1.20 now.
Ok LMNH let's not clog the twitter feed with randos' stupid predictions.
Fucking KIDOLOGY again. JUST SAY BLUFFING YOU MASSIVE BLOWHARD.
Getting quite a lot of picture break up all of a sudden.
The break possibly contemplating their future...
Or maybe that one dude was just looking for Ben King.
Kiry is also very recognisable.
K how bout instead of debating the definition of rocky road and droning on with inconsequential family stories you just tell us who is on the front of this group?
GERMANY. They are taking this climb by the balls.
Alex!
Ohh Ukraine being distanced from the breakaway now.
All getting a bit messy and pushy here mid-back of the peloton.
Yul-ian? He's not Spanish ffs.
Rafal Majka up front there.
Peloton regrouping after the feed.
Chad loves to throw shade!!
The Dutch talking charge again.
They are STRINGING THIS OUT
Oop glimpse of Andy Fenn there.
Sometimes they are so bad at commentating I could literally scream.
They should trial some of the Goggleboxers. I'd watch that for sure.
What team is this predominantly red with a navy stripe?
Bling there
Matteo!
Andy again.
USA coming to the front.
HEY TAYLOR
SITTING ON IAN'S WHEEL
DYLAN
KEEP THIS CAMERA ON THIS IS AMAZING.
Oh shit crash at the back. OH MAN did he hit that bridge underpass??
OOH the group is not far behind
Belgium leading up the climb with Geshke's Beard in second position.
And a giant Peter Sagan head being waved in the crowd.
Is Stijn Vandenbergh here? Must be him leading on the front, like the enormous giant man that he is.
They caught that Ukrainian who I assumed they'd caught ages ago.
Hard going up this climb.
Iljooooooooooo!
Moderate attacking here?
Or is Ben King going for imaginary sprint points as well?
Is this Costa Rican they're showing the dude who crashed?
Oh no. Never mind. He and that other dude out there in the distance are breakaways about to be swept up by the peloton.
Not before the other one gives a bizarre victory salute??
The hell is going on.
Who is this dude?
Spain, Poland, some of Belgium, and what I'm hazarding a guess is Norway en masse in front.
Oh has he given up then? Who are you?? Anyway whoever he is got off in the feedzone and hugged someone.
Ooooh it's the Serbian dude from the break. Anyway. Weird.
Netherlands pushing the pace again. Seems like Valverde behind, with Poland and a bit of GB for the first time.
Matteo having an intense chat with the team car.
IAN
ALEX
Ok considering he's ridden on the front of literally this entire race, let's not disrespect the man by calling him "Josh" Van Emden.
Snacktime for Ben in the break. A flapjack of some sort perhaps.
Tony, Alex, Ian.
Really obnoxious picture break up but getting some frozen glimpses of Ian and Alex quite a bit.
Ben is trying to captain the breakaway ship.
LE CROW
Problem for Tony??
New bike, he's going again.
Thank you for confirming four hours later that that is Norway. Ace commentating.
Stevo still on the back here.
Gap at 32 seconds.
100k still to go.
Belgium are everywhere. They have dudes all over this group.
TAYLOR
Who's this Canadian dude with the beard?
Oooh mess here, a crash.
Oh no an Italian!
Oss nooooooo!
Hard to figure out what the eff is going on with all this picture break but gaps are forming in this group.
Well we know Johnny D and Swifty are together, based on the finish line board.
Fans of other sports will never understand.
I don't know what group we're looking at here.
Unsurprisingly, the Dutch are at the front and pushing it. That's about all that can be confirmed.
Ok good the two front groups came together so that's somewhat less confusing.
Germany and Alex on their wheel are chasing behind.
Ohhh bummer Oss is out.
I think maybe everyone came back together now. Breakaway included.
Alexxxxxxxxx
What are you up to?
He had a little go there but back in the group.
Ohhh Jos has ridden himself into the ground and dropped out. WELL DONE JOS.
Belgium taking control now.
ILJO
Look at him, so so smooth. Am I commentating?
Greg VanAv with Tony on his wheel up this climb.
Ok I don't want it to rain cuz I don't want people to get hurt, but give us a reason for this picture breakup! It's like scenes from The Conjuring out here.
Belgium powering up the climb.
Taylor thrashing up the climb.
Belgium checking back as they crest the hill, making sure they got all their dudes.
Oh? Who are you and what are you up to?
There seems to be a solo Dutch dude out front, about to be caught. Where did he come from?
Australia now making their presence known.
Slightly. I mean, like one guy.
Oh apparently that was Gesink who made an attack that was missed out in all the picture break up. Anyway he's back again so..
Maybe if they'd let Michal bring his drones we wouldn't be having these problems.
Kosta, Guillaume Boivin and another dude have gotten away.
USA on the horizon
IT'S TAYLOR OF COURSE IT IS
HI TAYLOR YOU BEAUTIFUL MAN
Expect a movie about his life.
All of Germany at the front.
Belgium there, and Poland
BEAUTIFUL.
GB moving up to hang with Germany.
Someone attacking off the front of the peloton now
Don't know who it is but it's someone without teammates/countrymen.
Yikes I thought Taylor had a bit of a Tyler going on there but it was just his jersey flapping.
OMFG Taylor leading up Libby Hill is like the most beautiful image of America. Like it should be our new flag.
Sep is trying to get away!
Oh Sep is so often on the losing end!
I swear if he punctures at a race-winning moment this time he should probably just give up on professional bike racing.
Oh my god Stannard is chasing him. I mean, the man has no luck.
LOOK AT HIM!!!! Embrace the new flag!!!
THIS PICTURE BREAKUP IS UNACCEPTABLE. Seriously WHAT THE FUCK.
Oh Geshke and Ian were out in a little group apparently but we missed that and now they're back in the peloton.
Alright Richmond, don't be a bunch of dicks.
Also somehow suddenly the Cyclinghub feed has been subsumed by the Eurosport feed and goes to commercials now??? CAN I LIVE.
Taylor stretching his knee.
60k left.
The break has a minute 47 apparently. THANK YOU TWITTER.
Oh shit another crash!
UGH a Polish rider went into the hedges HARD.
THAT FEEDZONE HAS BEEN LOOKING TREACHEROUS ALL DAY.
Not clear who was involved really. Daryl Impey they said, and Lars Bak. Spain was on the floor in some capacity.
KOEN KNOWS.
BELGIUM. Doing something. Looks like that dude out in Denmark or wherever got the pirate feed back up while Eurosport is on commercial break.
Cyclingnews is reporting that a lot of lovely people were held up with that crash and are 15 seconds behind, so let's hope that sorts itself out.
WOAH what Aussie just came unclipped??
This fucking feed!!!!
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN BUT YES AXEL
I feel insane what if he wins they'll have to shut the city down.
Spain is doing a bunch of stuff I think
30 seconds apparently for Taylor Phinney and apparently it's raining?
40k to go. Maybe. I mean maybe it froze so long the race is actually over and I don't realise it.
Entirely new team here at the front of the peloton. Denmark?
GB TAKING IT ON NOW
OMG too adorable.
Hard to tell if people are attacking on the climb or just riding it.
Well I guess all this shitty feed bullshit saved me from seeing Taylor being caught, which apparently he was.
OH T.
2 laps to go and Bauke Ian Tom possibly, KWIATO?!
An Italian, a Spaniard
Germany is chasing behind.
THE ITALIAN IS VIVIANI
There are a few others but away we have COKEY TOM, IAN STANNARD, KWIATO, ELIA, BAUKE.
26 seconds they have
30k
I'm gonna call these guys The Engine Room.
33 seconds at the next count
USA has joined in the chase behind
Also what looks like Italy but must be someone else
The Gorilla is doing all this chasing
He's let Ben King do a bit now
Bling is up there too
For reals. Tim and I are in mind meld today.
DON'T LET ME DREAM!!!!!!!
I think that is Italy but I think they're just staying close to the front for safety.
Belgium is doing the same on the other side.
23 seconds and 23k, Germany is still basically the only team chasing
I can't deal with these close ups of Cokey Tom. He is SUCH A DUDE.
Ohhh the Netherlands.
Perhaps it's time for Niki's attack!!
Oh hey Tom! (Dumoulin this time). Haven't seen you about much!
UGGGGGH These long straight American boulevards are SO HARSH when you see the peloton chasing!
COKEY TOM TAKES US UP LIBBY HILL
Under 20k
What's this??
The Engine Room has been joined by some passengers.
Elia looks like he's gonna vom.
In fact, everyone looks like they gonna vom.
The Gorilla and a German companion are dying on Libby Hill.
Greg VanAv now pulls the expanded Engine Room, which is like 20 people.
Looks like it's coming back together anyhow.
Well that was momentarily thrilling.
Matteo Trentin is a the front and the Netherlands is PUSHING ON AGAIN
Belgium is getting in the mix
BELL LAP
That bell ringer is way too chill. I mean I know she's a professional but I'd be like screaming and weeping and banging that bell.
Dumoulin talking to someone and taking to the front
TOM IS NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOU
DO SOME WORK. He shakes his head.
DON'T YOU LAMPRE THIS, LAMPRE
Olivera was trying to go solo but some others have hitched on now
They're not far ahead but there's a Belgian there. Cuz Belgium is always there.
Ahhh it was Tiesj Benoot! But they're caught now.
Italy massing at the front.
Australia too
11k to go
Attack by Belarus
And AMERICA FOLLOWS
USA burying himself. I think it's Tyler given that riding style.
Ah yes his man bun sticks up when he puts his head down
Well I thought it was futile given the camera angles but they're getting a little away. Under 10k.
It would be utterly hysterical to me if Tyler Farrar won this.
Oh it's Kosta!
I mean it's totally preposterous and not worth entertaining but I wouldn't mind if Tyler won, cuz he was really good friends with Wouter Weylandt.
Well 6k and they've got 8 seconds.
Peak hipster.
Nah Italy's got these guys.
Italy swarms from one side and Belgium from the other. Terrifying.
Tyler really doesn't want to give up.
But give up Ty, it's over.
IT IS A MESS UP HERE
4k
LIBBY HILL
I DON'T KNOW WHAT COUNTRY THIS IS
Germany is following and then Belgium
OH MY GOD OF COURSE IT'S STYBAR
AND JOHN OF COURSE AND GREG I DUNNO MAYBE
NIKIIIIIIIIIIII
GO SOLO NIKI NOW IS THE TIME
I'M SERIOUSLY GONNA VOMIT
3k
What Belgian are you??
PETER OF COURSE YOU'RE THERE!!!
He's supertuck descending on what doesn't even look like a descent!!
PETER LEADS AT 2k!!!
I DONT KNOW WHO'S CHASING I DONT KNOW IF I WANT THEM TO CATCH HIM
HE'S AT THE FLAMME!!!!!!!!
He's got such a gap can he hold it!!?!!?!
THEY'RE COMING FOR HIM
BELGIUM SPECIFICALLY
HE IS A BEAST MAN
HE'S GONNA DO IT I THINK
THEY CAN'T GET TO HIM CAN THEY?!!?!?
PETERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
He hops off the bike and throws his arms into the air and high fives Cokey Tom and hugs Styby
And throws his helmet into the crowd
They're like physically prying him and his girlfriend apart.
Ahh well done Bling for second!
(And therefore by proxy, GO ADAM!)
Oh my god this Eritrean guy is being carried on the shoulders of all these fans. This is mental.
What amazingness is Peter going to gift us with in this post-race chat?
I think he's trying to make a statement on the refugee crisis. I mean it is deeply unclear, but... I dunno... PETER SAGAN FOR PRESIDENT.
I had my brother with me, Juraj.
I think he also said he was 'in the crazy'.
I just eat, eat all the gels what I have.
I did just one attack, and I think it was the right attack.
His final comment was basically like IN YOUR FACE HATERS. I see what you say about me on the internet and I'VE GOT RAINBOWS BITCH.
OH PETER!
Oh he's got a giant flag!
WEAR THAT RAINBOW PETER!
Bling is gesturing that the flag is just over to the left.
Odd little anthem, that. It's sort of dark and dramatic and then ends on a jig.
Obviously had to freeze that one last time when there are no doubt excellent podium antics going on.
BUT YOU CAN'T BRING ME DOWN.
This is like an image off the Pope's US tour.
Did I ever. Taylor's time is coming, just you wait.
Oh my god, beautiful. That was one of the greatest things ever.
Johnny D wins the Male Modelling With Pippo Pozzato Award NO CONTEST.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!
Meanwhile, have you seen my belt? I can't find her anywhere.
OMFG I didn't think it could get better.
This is amazing.
Ohhhhhhhhh Return of the Vengabus!!!!! JEALS.
Or maybe a quiet night in.
Fucking BEST EVER. I dunno which is better: him completely pitching over or that teammate's massive gold hoop earring?
Saturday, 12 September 2015
The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Tour of Britain Stage 7, Fakenham - Ipswich:
I can't believe I actually fucking jinxed it.
It isn't even consoling that Doppelgänger Rob is still around, THAT'S HOW UPSET I AM.
Alex may be in the break, which kind of helps.
But given the unreliability of twitter coverage, he may not be, and that certainly doesn't help.
Anyway.
All we know about the race so far is that there have been endless rear wheel punctures.
That and: yesterday's post-stage transfer was not popular.
Seems like a high brioche to everything else ratio.
FUCKING HELL. Cav hitting the back of that parked car is INTENSE.
Oh what a lovely man Styby is!
He's trying out the disc breaks today. Rob is concerned it may become an issue if he needs neutral service.
Oh hey Ed! He's Lanterne Rouge. Awww he's having a rough ol' time out there.
Was Tao shit-talking about Wout? Well anyway he blamed 'the rider in black' for his crash up the mountain and said it was in no way his fault. But kind of in a rude way.
Oh it's fine for MTN never to ride, even when they're in the yellow jersey, but when Garmindale does it it's a war crime.
Brian, you're showing your bias.
Puncture for EBH. #Puncturegate continues apace.
Dowsett sighting. This break is now certified.
It has 4 minutes.
Lotto Soudal leads the peloton.
Fucking hell Peloton Deer came in 47 minutes down yesterday. Which was outside the time limit but the commissaires allowed it.
Which everyone agrees was the right move but it did bring us back round to Hank's disqualification.
Yeah FUCK YOU commissaires. No one is happy that Hank got thrown off. Even Brian had some choice words.
What percentage of English bike riders are Northern? Like 99%?
1% here being Alex and Hank and Tao and maybe one other person I don't know about.
Wee time! They are choosing this leafy area to relieve themselves. We are choosing your village to piss upon.
101 on the blackboard. It's very difficult to bring this man back.
It costs 80,000 euros to go for the Hour Record?!! That is mental.
Yeah as if OPQS would leave anything to chance. They've put a couple of extra bikes with neutral service for Styby.
Constant eating today.
Alex would like a polite word with his car.
They're talking about developments in cycling, some of which are interesting, but all of which make Huw sound about 100 years old.
IAN! There will be a scrap for mountain points.
Well just one point, actually. The break will get the majority but there's a fight to the death for the one point on offer.
Why is this a good thing? I hate this man.
One Pro and Madison Genesis are all over the front trying to get this last mountain point.
IAN pokes out!
He's scooting up
Very messy!
Ah a Madison Genesis went way away.
Oh SHIT a One Pro shot round him in the end and took it off him!
Brutal.
The fight continues.
So at 17.8k to go the knives will literally be out.
This is weird.
Are they getting on an aircraft carrier?
This is bizarre.
Alex!! He needs a wheel!
Hook me up! he gestures.
Chats a bit to the mechanic as the change is made. Cheers mate, I imagine. He's very polite.
Seriously though where does this lead?
Oh shit crash!
Tao for sure, though he's up already.
Looks like BMCs on the ground...
Updates are not forthcoming.
Tao's a bit of a Warren Barguil in this race.
An airfield is such a weird place for a bike race.
It is so massive and they are so small.
They're rambling on and on and on and doing idiotic math but the basic point is:
1) the break is probably gonna be brought back before the final climb
and
2) Bibs technically could still win it.
Of course. Healing vibes, all!
Stefan and Danilo alone then. #2manteam
Awww Dylan was 5th in the GC too! Sad face.
Please stop reminding us Taylor won't be in London.
Madison Genesis chasing but it's hardly like having Ian Stannard up there is it.
It's coming down, but slowly.
Getting some finish line vibes here. Did someone switch on a mic they shouldn't have?
DVB is not immune to #puncturegate but seems to be safely back in to the group.
Referring to the incident as a crash on the airfield makes it pretty fucking dramatic.
Gap has come down to 20 seconds.
Hmmm. The two non-Dowsetts have gone off alone. Alex drops back to the peloton.
Are the on the climb? Is the sprint point at the base of the climb? This doesn't make any sense.
Cripes here they come on those two.
But even if Bibs got the maximum points Williams would win based on the count back surely?
So I officially don't care now about this competition.
What's this OPQS lurker?
It's all kicking off with these conti teams.
Williams got it so he won it outright not just on countback.
Soz Madison Genesis.
BOOM STYBY ATTACK. STRAIGHT over that mountain.
People caught napping!
Do a Strade Bianche Styby!!
He's got 10 seconds.
They are furiously chasing him.
A little group of four are coming after him
Stefan the King among others.
He's not giving up.
Bibs up and around there.
The four are caught by Lotto Soudal.
Humph. Styby caught.
The footage broke for several seconds. An obvious reaction to this.
FLY THE FLAG FOR TAYLOR-LOOKING PEOPLE.
10k to go.
A child runs alongside him.
Meh he's caught.
A single IAM at the front of a Lotto train.
7k.
Ugh if it's between Greipel and EBH I'm gonna be asleep.
What is with this shit-ass feed?! Is Taylor Partridge attacking again?
De Bie! Buzz buzz!
5k.
UH OH, Wee Pete spotted near the front... Watch out y'all!
Garmindale coming forward too
God even Brian can't say Tyler Farrar has a chance.
What's he going on about now? He is SUCH A GARMINDALE HATER.
Wee Pete to the front at 3.2k
He looks back, head down, looks back, head down...
HERE COMES YOUR SKY TRAIN!!
Like where were they hiding? That was a thing of beauty!
They just totally eclipsed Lotto, they just wiped them out.
Stannard leads us
OPQS behind the Sky train.
1.3k
FLAMME ROUGE
Three sky, Lottos, OPQS
Lottos coming forward but sky staying up
and OPQS
OPQS PULLING FORWARD
Lotto is at the front
LEADING OUT A SKY?!!?
PLEASE PLEAASE
PLEASE
VIVIANI IS ON THE SIDE GOOO
WHO GOT THAT
FUCK
WHO GOT THAT!?!?
Viviani is so sneaky please be Viviani!!!!
Let's watch again.
LOOK WHERE HE COMES FROM. Renshaw was LITERALLY boxing him in!!! He would've been like 20 bike lengths ahead without that shit.
HE DESERVES IT
GET IT
THAT IS INSANE
The photo finish doesn't help at all!
Rob Phinney rolling in.
UGHHHH.
Of COURSE it's Greipel on this let down of a day.
NO WAY!!!!! LOOK AT ELIA'S WHEEL!! I'd call it for Elia.
I demand a recount.
Renshaw is legit shoving him and Elia shoves back good on him.
Hmph.
I mean we're all biased but SERIOUSLY, they should appeal!!
LOOK AT IT.
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT IT IT'S SO OBVIOUS IT'S ELIA'S.
I'm sorry, where was Elia supposed to go???? This was not a tactical fault. Wind your neck in.
Graham Briggs brings a child up to the podium. The combativity cheese is as big as the child.
If they want me to think that Andre Greipel won, they're gonna need to stop showing that photo finish.
Well that means Elia gets to win tomorrow yeah? Let's have a Genoa reunion!!
Alex is not impressed with your map-making stills.
He is a travel mastermind.
Also, I for some reason love "I've seen a sign for Carlisle every day."
Swoony black & white. This couldn't even be improved by them pouring water over their heads.
Vuelta Stage 20, San Lorenzo de El Escorial - Cercedilla:
Lotto have helpfully brought us up to date on the Vuelta, but not exactly the news we want to hear.
Of course a Lampre leads and will probably win, because this day is shaping up to be terrible.
Who's this woman in commentary?
I am so glad I wasn't watching this terrible demise from the beginning of the stage.
(Elia, barely over the finish line, has retweeted this. SHOTS FIRED.)
I mean is it definitely over??? Could he not bring it back???
Why have they put this cruel counter on the screen!?!
DeMarchi is chasing that Lampre. I guess that's something.
Let's not start shitting on Giant right now.
That team has KILLED in a situation they NEVER anticipated being in.
And Astana is almost criminally dysfunctional. It just happened to work this one time.
(Elia is retweeting the entire internet. The road bears left.)
Lampre wins. Keeping in the spirit of the day.
(Elia is legit starting a revolution)
(If you ever wanted to be retweeted by Elia now is the time.)
(ummmmmmm. Is it?)
An indeterminate Garmindale comes in.
Looks like Moreno Moser. Was he anywhere near the front?
And another.
Alex??
Hmmmm. Aru comes in.
'Devastating' is right.
I think Aru is weeping. He might just be breathing heavily.
I mean he did fight HARD and in almost any other circumstances I'd be all for it, but TOM. LOVELY TOM.
This is painful.
Is he gonna fall off the podium??
OK. Say one more thing about the team and I will lose my shit.
Tom comes in.
Like directly behind him two Astanas holding hands and pumping fists.
Did all the feeds break because it's just too sad?
That originally said #VamosTom, which I imagine was said through tears.
All the drama that you could expect from a cycling race happened today.
Oh my god, he dropped to 6th overall.
He's being SO STOIC.
Even as they ZOOM IN ON HIS FACE.
I'd be a wreck.
(Haven't seen this angle, Lotto. #grassyknoll)
Aru, Purito, Majka, in the end.
'REAL DESOLATION'??? I do not want to see Tom's real desolation!
TURN ON THE SOUND, what's he saying??
MATT RENDLE YOU COCK.
He's not a fucking idiot child. What a jackass question.
Tomorrow I'll be proud, but for now it's just disappointment.
Just empty. Just no legs.
You just gotta deal with it. That was mental. If you were just listening to that you'd swear he was American.
Juan Antonio dreams of Sammy Sanchez. He's always in his thoughts. Also, he's rambling, and everyone has lost their minds.
The rest of this Vuelta theme is totally badass. It's just that sort of yodel-screeching bit that's suuuuuper terrible and kinda ruins the whole thing.
But that instrumental... Damn, Adam knows what he's talking about.
End of a Grand Tour here. I spy some Giro Hair.
The Tour of Britain has hardly been easy itself.
TODAY: THIS.
I can't believe I actually fucking jinxed it.
It isn't even consoling that Doppelgänger Rob is still around, THAT'S HOW UPSET I AM.
Alex may be in the break, which kind of helps.
But given the unreliability of twitter coverage, he may not be, and that certainly doesn't help.
Anyway.
All we know about the race so far is that there have been endless rear wheel punctures.
That and: yesterday's post-stage transfer was not popular.
Seems like a high brioche to everything else ratio.
FUCKING HELL. Cav hitting the back of that parked car is INTENSE.
Oh what a lovely man Styby is!
He's trying out the disc breaks today. Rob is concerned it may become an issue if he needs neutral service.
Oh hey Ed! He's Lanterne Rouge. Awww he's having a rough ol' time out there.
Was Tao shit-talking about Wout? Well anyway he blamed 'the rider in black' for his crash up the mountain and said it was in no way his fault. But kind of in a rude way.
Oh it's fine for MTN never to ride, even when they're in the yellow jersey, but when Garmindale does it it's a war crime.
Brian, you're showing your bias.
Puncture for EBH. #Puncturegate continues apace.
Dowsett sighting. This break is now certified.
It has 4 minutes.
Lotto Soudal leads the peloton.
Fucking hell Peloton Deer came in 47 minutes down yesterday. Which was outside the time limit but the commissaires allowed it.
Which everyone agrees was the right move but it did bring us back round to Hank's disqualification.
Yeah FUCK YOU commissaires. No one is happy that Hank got thrown off. Even Brian had some choice words.
What percentage of English bike riders are Northern? Like 99%?
1% here being Alex and Hank and Tao and maybe one other person I don't know about.
Wee time! They are choosing this leafy area to relieve themselves. We are choosing your village to piss upon.
101 on the blackboard. It's very difficult to bring this man back.
It costs 80,000 euros to go for the Hour Record?!! That is mental.
Yeah as if OPQS would leave anything to chance. They've put a couple of extra bikes with neutral service for Styby.
Constant eating today.
Alex would like a polite word with his car.
They're talking about developments in cycling, some of which are interesting, but all of which make Huw sound about 100 years old.
IAN! There will be a scrap for mountain points.
Well just one point, actually. The break will get the majority but there's a fight to the death for the one point on offer.
Why is this a good thing? I hate this man.
One Pro and Madison Genesis are all over the front trying to get this last mountain point.
IAN pokes out!
He's scooting up
Very messy!
Ah a Madison Genesis went way away.
Oh SHIT a One Pro shot round him in the end and took it off him!
Brutal.
The fight continues.
So at 17.8k to go the knives will literally be out.
This is weird.
Are they getting on an aircraft carrier?
This is bizarre.
Alex!! He needs a wheel!
Hook me up! he gestures.
Chats a bit to the mechanic as the change is made. Cheers mate, I imagine. He's very polite.
Seriously though where does this lead?
Oh shit crash!
Tao for sure, though he's up already.
Looks like BMCs on the ground...
Updates are not forthcoming.
Tao's a bit of a Warren Barguil in this race.
An airfield is such a weird place for a bike race.
It is so massive and they are so small.
They're rambling on and on and on and doing idiotic math but the basic point is:
1) the break is probably gonna be brought back before the final climb
and
2) Bibs technically could still win it.
Of course. Healing vibes, all!
Stefan and Danilo alone then. #2manteam
Awww Dylan was 5th in the GC too! Sad face.
Please stop reminding us Taylor won't be in London.
Madison Genesis chasing but it's hardly like having Ian Stannard up there is it.
It's coming down, but slowly.
Getting some finish line vibes here. Did someone switch on a mic they shouldn't have?
DVB is not immune to #puncturegate but seems to be safely back in to the group.
Referring to the incident as a crash on the airfield makes it pretty fucking dramatic.
Gap has come down to 20 seconds.
Hmmm. The two non-Dowsetts have gone off alone. Alex drops back to the peloton.
Are the on the climb? Is the sprint point at the base of the climb? This doesn't make any sense.
Cripes here they come on those two.
But even if Bibs got the maximum points Williams would win based on the count back surely?
So I officially don't care now about this competition.
What's this OPQS lurker?
It's all kicking off with these conti teams.
Williams got it so he won it outright not just on countback.
Soz Madison Genesis.
BOOM STYBY ATTACK. STRAIGHT over that mountain.
People caught napping!
Do a Strade Bianche Styby!!
He's got 10 seconds.
They are furiously chasing him.
A little group of four are coming after him
Stefan the King among others.
He's not giving up.
Bibs up and around there.
The four are caught by Lotto Soudal.
Humph. Styby caught.
The footage broke for several seconds. An obvious reaction to this.
FLY THE FLAG FOR TAYLOR-LOOKING PEOPLE.
10k to go.
A child runs alongside him.
Meh he's caught.
A single IAM at the front of a Lotto train.
7k.
Ugh if it's between Greipel and EBH I'm gonna be asleep.
What is with this shit-ass feed?! Is Taylor Partridge attacking again?
De Bie! Buzz buzz!
5k.
UH OH, Wee Pete spotted near the front... Watch out y'all!
Garmindale coming forward too
God even Brian can't say Tyler Farrar has a chance.
What's he going on about now? He is SUCH A GARMINDALE HATER.
Wee Pete to the front at 3.2k
He looks back, head down, looks back, head down...
HERE COMES YOUR SKY TRAIN!!
Like where were they hiding? That was a thing of beauty!
They just totally eclipsed Lotto, they just wiped them out.
Stannard leads us
OPQS behind the Sky train.
1.3k
FLAMME ROUGE
Three sky, Lottos, OPQS
Lottos coming forward but sky staying up
and OPQS
OPQS PULLING FORWARD
Lotto is at the front
LEADING OUT A SKY?!!?
PLEASE PLEAASE
PLEASE
VIVIANI IS ON THE SIDE GOOO
WHO GOT THAT
FUCK
WHO GOT THAT!?!?
Viviani is so sneaky please be Viviani!!!!
Let's watch again.
LOOK WHERE HE COMES FROM. Renshaw was LITERALLY boxing him in!!! He would've been like 20 bike lengths ahead without that shit.
HE DESERVES IT
GET IT
THAT IS INSANE
The photo finish doesn't help at all!
Rob Phinney rolling in.
UGHHHH.
Of COURSE it's Greipel on this let down of a day.
NO WAY!!!!! LOOK AT ELIA'S WHEEL!! I'd call it for Elia.
I demand a recount.
Renshaw is legit shoving him and Elia shoves back good on him.
Hmph.
I mean we're all biased but SERIOUSLY, they should appeal!!
LOOK AT IT.
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT IT IT'S SO OBVIOUS IT'S ELIA'S.
I'm sorry, where was Elia supposed to go???? This was not a tactical fault. Wind your neck in.
Graham Briggs brings a child up to the podium. The combativity cheese is as big as the child.
If they want me to think that Andre Greipel won, they're gonna need to stop showing that photo finish.
Well that means Elia gets to win tomorrow yeah? Let's have a Genoa reunion!!
Alex is not impressed with your map-making stills.
He is a travel mastermind.
Also, I for some reason love "I've seen a sign for Carlisle every day."
Swoony black & white. This couldn't even be improved by them pouring water over their heads.
Vuelta Stage 20, San Lorenzo de El Escorial - Cercedilla:
Lotto have helpfully brought us up to date on the Vuelta, but not exactly the news we want to hear.
Of course a Lampre leads and will probably win, because this day is shaping up to be terrible.
Who's this woman in commentary?
I am so glad I wasn't watching this terrible demise from the beginning of the stage.
(Elia, barely over the finish line, has retweeted this. SHOTS FIRED.)
I mean is it definitely over??? Could he not bring it back???
Why have they put this cruel counter on the screen!?!
DeMarchi is chasing that Lampre. I guess that's something.
Let's not start shitting on Giant right now.
That team has KILLED in a situation they NEVER anticipated being in.
And Astana is almost criminally dysfunctional. It just happened to work this one time.
(Elia is retweeting the entire internet. The road bears left.)
Lampre wins. Keeping in the spirit of the day.
(Elia is legit starting a revolution)
(If you ever wanted to be retweeted by Elia now is the time.)
(ummmmmmm. Is it?)
An indeterminate Garmindale comes in.
Looks like Moreno Moser. Was he anywhere near the front?
And another.
Alex??
Hmmmm. Aru comes in.
'Devastating' is right.
I think Aru is weeping. He might just be breathing heavily.
I mean he did fight HARD and in almost any other circumstances I'd be all for it, but TOM. LOVELY TOM.
This is painful.
Is he gonna fall off the podium??
OK. Say one more thing about the team and I will lose my shit.
Tom comes in.
Like directly behind him two Astanas holding hands and pumping fists.
Did all the feeds break because it's just too sad?
That originally said #VamosTom, which I imagine was said through tears.
All the drama that you could expect from a cycling race happened today.
Oh my god, he dropped to 6th overall.
He's being SO STOIC.
Even as they ZOOM IN ON HIS FACE.
I'd be a wreck.
(Haven't seen this angle, Lotto. #grassyknoll)
Aru, Purito, Majka, in the end.
'REAL DESOLATION'??? I do not want to see Tom's real desolation!
TURN ON THE SOUND, what's he saying??
MATT RENDLE YOU COCK.
He's not a fucking idiot child. What a jackass question.
Tomorrow I'll be proud, but for now it's just disappointment.
Just empty. Just no legs.
You just gotta deal with it. That was mental. If you were just listening to that you'd swear he was American.
Juan Antonio dreams of Sammy Sanchez. He's always in his thoughts. Also, he's rambling, and everyone has lost their minds.
The rest of this Vuelta theme is totally badass. It's just that sort of yodel-screeching bit that's suuuuuper terrible and kinda ruins the whole thing.
But that instrumental... Damn, Adam knows what he's talking about.
End of a Grand Tour here. I spy some Giro Hair.
The Tour of Britain has hardly been easy itself.
TODAY: THIS.
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