God save the King! (Will no man say amen?)

Quoting Shakespeare about cycling has got to be one of the nerdiest things in existence.

Well. The hashtag of this Tour is now OFFICIALLY #TdWTF.  A lot of other hashtags came and went throughout the night, one of the best being #TheKingWillRide. Unfortunately it turned out not to be true (spoiler alert!), but along with the original #LetTedRide and mine and Adam Blythe's fave #hardasamotherf#*cker, it managed to nearly explode the internet.

TheJensie made the call for 'humanity over silly rules!!'; several people noted that anyone producing that wattage over that time with a separated shoulder DESERVED to be in the Tour; several others pointed out that if what we want is a clean sport where things can be achieved with human effort, we should start right here; there was the whole #TimeTedPoperly movement...

Lance Armstrong weighed in and made everyone feel a bit awkward for a minute (Do we want him on our side? If we don't acknowledge it and stay really still will he just move off like a T-Rex? And what's he actually saying-- has he already bought somebody off and/or killed them??)

And of course @taylorphinney was there being a knight in shining armor as well.

But it was no use, and we ended up with Hero Ted waiting at the start line, only to receive no mercy and be bussed to the finish.

It's one of the weirder decisions made by cycling authorities, and certainly doesn't do anything to defy the image of the UCI/ASO as an evil ogre out to kill the sport they're designed to promote.


As nearly the whole world has been saying,  the kind of heroics displayed by Ted King over the past 4 days are the reason cycling fans love the sport in the first place.  And the authorities are once again coming down on the wrong side. Keep up the good work, guys!

And with that, the Depart Fictif was off (for any depart without Ted King is, by definition, false).

Moving on, because the pain is too severe (not unlike THE PAIN OF A SEPARATED SHOULDER CAUSED BY TOUR ORGANIZERS)....

Stage 5: Cagnes-Sur-Mer - Marseille

Europcar have got some cards to play in the break-- another slingshot for Wee Pierre or Lil Tom? Also Tony of the Square and of the Saur is there.

It's also Wee Nica's birthday today.  Can we expect Papa Roche to lay off and not make his son feel so inferior today?  I doubt it.

The gap is MASSIVE but it's early on a long stage.

Plus, a lumpy stage with windy coastal roads? Helllooo Lil Tom's playground.

"Steegmans is looking after Cavendish with Matt Goss also close by." Guh, I'm sorry, did I just fall asleep into a fantastical daydream there?

"Sagan is talking to the occupants of the Cannondale team car. He's taking a bottle and continuing to chat before making his way back to the bunch on his own."  The likely conversation: 'Tell Ted I miss him already! And I'll call him later! And it's just not the same here without him, I mean really, it's just-- ok I've got to get back to this bike race now but tell him I love him!'

Too right, Patrick Lefevre: Good job UCI destroy your own sport!

The day's news slightly leavened by Robert Gesink's sweet but a bit TMI reaction to time trials.

"Lots of punctures for RadioShack Leopard. Both Jens Voigt and Andreas Klöden have to stop." I hope this isn't Tack Attack, Take Two.

Imagine being at that point on the side of the road though: Hi living legends!

Meanwhile on the Twittersphere:

Yeaaahh. The UCI's been busy, as we well know. There are bandits to be captured! And injured men to further wound!

Tehehe. 'Certified loon' should be common parlance.

Jokes.   Someone's been at the pain pills again.

Ted certainly IS showing his class and intelligence, but my heart is wrenched wide open.


Phil: "Well I'm a little confused as to why Orica GreenEdge are doing the pacemaking at the front, when it should be the sprinters' teams now."
Paul: "Well they do have a sprinter in their midst in the form of Matthew Goss."
YEAH. THEY DO.

"The peloton are now on the climb and Omega have started to make their presence felt at the front of the bunch."  This shit is about to get real.

"QuickStep are on the front so it's probably fair to assume Cavendish is in the bunch. ...And there's a huge crash." The lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

VDV and Wee Pierre caught up/knocked down.  Oh Christian! He's still down by the side of the road.

Both apparently up and chasing now.

"12km to go and the gap is down to 19 seconds."  That gap is about to be like Ted King's hopes and dreams: TOTALLY FUCKING DECIMATED.

"All of Omega are now on the front and controlling the field. Cavendish is at the end of the train with the two leaders just 17 seconds clear with 7.4km to go. Now it's 15 seconds."  Do I dare to dream??!  Cav loves a redemptive win, and yesterday's .75 second beating surely set him on the right track! Is the bronchitis a bluff?? COME ON CAV!!

"All the sprint trains are trying to find their pace and line but Omega look the strongest at the moment on the left hand side of the road." C'mon OPQS!! OPQS the shit out of this race!

I like OPQS' old school managing of their train. They are just SHOUTING and gesturing all over the place to each other.  Who needs radios?

"Lotto vs Omega." The eternal fucking struggle.

GODDAMN IT TOUR DE FRANCE YOU KILL ME.

"BECAUSE YOU NEVER STOP THE MISSILE WHEN YOU'RE FIRING THIS CLOSE TO THE LINE!"

From the lowest lows to the HIGHEST FUCKING HIGH.  In ONE AFTERNOON.

Cav you little legend.

From the highlights: God they were breaking down that final k crash and all its various components.  Jesus hell. And do they have to show everyone weeping?? This day's been emotional enough.

Oh yeah and over in Austria there's that other race going on at the minute. I just have one question: Is Daniel Oss technically photobombing?

You Don't Look a Day Over 99.

Stage 1: Porto Veccio – Bastia

I appreciate that ITV covers the Tour de France at all, I really do. I don't particularly appreciate how they try and kill the sport by providing commentary from Chris Boardman and Ned Boulting for the first hour.

Boom Goes the Dynamite is in the break though. 

And they’ve just confirmed the eventual handover to Phil and Paul. To be fair, they did offer one good bit: “That’s Jack. He’s dressed as a loaf of bread, and that’s his job for the entire month of July.” I bet this is his ride.

I’m practically peeing with excitement from now until the Champs Elysees.

Cav is ‘trying to chainsmoke this Tour’, winning the last stage of the 2012 Tour and the first of the 2013 one. It got a bit confused with the ‘lighting it with the still glowing embers of last year’s Tour’ but you get the idea.

Gary Imlach: “Welcome back to Corsica, the murder capital of Europe, though I don’t think they mention THAT in the roadbook. No actual assassinations since we’ve been here, though the traffic has been murder, don’t know if that counts.”

Wee Pierre is yukking it up!

Oh wait it all makes sense. Niki is telling an animated story! I know they’re not really ‘racing’ at present but he’s just chatting away like he’s not even on a bike!

If the Niki-Wee Pierre bromace were to develop for real I might die from extreme love. Though you can't forget the competition.

A first glimpse of Life Hero Johnny Hoogerland. “This is the rider that was catapulted into the barbed wire fence by a press car. It looked horrendous, it WAS horrendous.”

No wonder the French aren’t bothered about race radios— Jerome Cousin was just getting the race situation from the cameraman: “Pardon? Il y a un probleme derriere?”

A glimpse of TheJensie. I LOVE HIM. He just looks so pleasant and jolly!

Paul: "…and another bird you might see around here is the Mediterranean Shag. 

[HUGE hilarious interlude where you can only hear muffled laughter for ages]

… Many sea birds here in Corsica."

First time in 18 YEARS George won’t be starting a Tour and first time in a long time Fab won’t be the first yellow jersey. SO WRONG.

They don’t even MENTION Matt Harley as a possible contender for the Green Jersey. Oh Matty!

I suppose Fab's not coming cuz of the lack of Prologue is better than Wiggo's not coming to avoid the awkwardness of being the defending champ but not the leader of your own team. 

To be fair to him, Cadel faced that one as manfully as a man with a woman’s voice can.

Wee Tom!

Lil Tom, excuse me.

“The Tour de France to him is a big theatre isn’t it?”

Lance is still shakin' things up. @taylorphinney of course put it exactly like I would: The headline was infuriating but once I read the article I understood what u meant.

Too bad Taylor Phinney's not riding. I mean an innocuous comment on twitter and look at all the pro pelaton sass he generates. Matt Rendle was just lamenting that Bernie isn’t here cuz he gives such eloquent post-race chats. Or whatever.

I couldn’t see Ted just then.

I haven’t seen Ted!

Wee Pierre on the other hand sticks out like a tiny meerkat. Also, I think I saw VDV smiling in the background.

About Lil Tom: “A very strange style but you can never discount this man.”

Miki thinks he sees Dave Millar; I say to check for the breathe right strip for confirmation.

But I still haven’t seen Ted so maybe I’ve developed face blindness.

I can’t tell if Axel Merckx is making a joke on twitter. Talking of Danny Van Poppel: “19 and riding the Tour? Who is his DS?” DS is of course papa Jean Paul Van Poppel. Merckx Jr must know a TEENY bit about going into the family business.

Well I didn’t see Dave and I know my man pretty well. Klodi was there (breathe right!) and VDV.

It’s kicking off!

Dave there

Up there behind Sky

George lost one of his Tours??? Stuey is on 17 participations which is now the record cuz George has been taken down to 16. WHAT THE EFF.

Dave Millar is very distinctive I find.

Johnny!

Man can’t catch a break!

Hi Queen Bee Dave Millar front and centre.

The one called ROHAN is at the back with Ryder after a crash. 

Miki's geek-tastic response: You mean there’s a rider of Rohan? Zing!

This bus thing is MENTAL.

They’re taking the result at 3km?

“…dragging their man to the finishing line. The only question is: where IS the finishing line?”

This better not fuck Cav up.

There are going to be words.

I find this literally unbelievable.

CAV.

There MIGHT be a murder today.

It’s literal chaos. They’re gonna kill someone. They are all gonna band together and murder someone.

Dave survived.

Matty’s here!

Hmm.

Dave was in the mix there.

Well Goss is just on the side of the road, crying probably. Jesus hell.

Well there’s Ted.

Aww Danny Van Poppel doesn’t have amazing English, he’s too cute: “Ah, ya, ah, Hilare said something… Ah, it was crazy.”

So Kittel got the stage, and I'm very happy he got over the Shits of Yesteryear and made it back to the Tour. 

But when Dave and Niki are up there, and really that should’ve been a stage for Cav, and if he was out of the equation then Matty Goss, it’s hard to feel particularly joyful.

I'm in a glass case of emotion.

Stage 2: Bastia- Ajaccio

Miki thinks he's hit the nerd jackpot with the revelation that he's making pasta salad while watching coverage. 

I one-up him with this question: Is it tricolor pasta? #boom #IEmbarrassMyself

Onto Napleon's hometown today, but first we recap yesteday's shenanigans:

They're now showing video of the moment GreenEdge gets wedged under the banner. You hear a big wrenching of metal and then the guy just puts his head in his hands.

“The 100^th Tour de France started with a bang. It was the sound of a team bus hitting the finish line.”  Hey-oh!

Poor Panzerwagon! He’s got some real medical issues but is still starting. 

Didn’t he like JUST recover from being hit by a car and breaking an eye socket??

Miki recounts: Last night OPQS is sitting around eating dinner and talking about how he’s out. Then the door opens and he walks in with his arms up and goes “I’m back!”

Wee Sylvain's and Burghy's birthdays today. Maybe that’s why Wee Sylvain is parading around on the front.

Uhh, they’ve mentioned the possibility of Dave Millar getting the yellow jersey today. BE STILL MY HEART.

Tony lost consciousness TWICE yesterday.

Uh the Citadel of Corti is apparently referred to by locals as the Eagle’s Nest. Too soon?

I’ll tell you what I wish they’d re-show (watching all this KOM dancing about): Wee Pierre swinging across the road and taunting Contador all the way up L'Alpe D'huez.

Has FDJ got new kit? It looks better.

[Attaque de Thomas Voeckler] Gahh we’re on commercial!  They were JUST saying that he’s been off the back for a day and a half so he’s conserving energy and obviously planning something.

“The man that has worn the yellow jersey on 20 occasions.” LEGEND.

Cav's dropping off.  It was only a matter of time. With no Bernie to nurse him back in. Though he does have Niki and Niki loves japes.

Lil Tom is still at it: “This man never lets his country down.”

Alas, here comes THE NOSE to wipe him out.

Oh hello. 

Wee Pierre has jumped away.

“…and the French will be delighted.”

I could do commentating. Paul is basically channeling my thoughts: “There’s David Millar, with the little strip across his nose.”

Napoleon’s Grotto? Hello new bar name.

I love this press boat. Sounds like a party.

“There’s a little acceleration there..—“ “IT’S FROOME!”

“He’s made his statement, he’s made his point.”

This is mayhem.

Wee Jakob is there too!

First rogue dog of the Tour. GET A LEASH.

Though Dave Millar puts it better.

Maybe Garmin should use some of that manpower they used to chase down George for good this time.

Oh my god I don’t know who that is but that was like EPIC.

It's Jan Bakelants.  

To be fair, nobody seemed to know.

“J’ai envie de me faire plaisir, sans trop faire n’importe quoi non plus.” What a quote. What a man.

“And I thought of the Jensie also my roommate…” Jan is so cute! He called him TheJensie!

 

Dave Millar is 2^nd in the GC. COME ON.

Ted’s smiling. Can’t tell who he’s talking to.

Oh my god so cute. Jan is like “We do this again?” with the handshaking when he came up for yellow.

Stage 3: Ajaccio –Calvi

The French commentators and I are loving Jens Voigt’s smile.

Best tweet ever? I am of course rather partial to Adam for being too much of a rebel for the UK Academy and for providing amusement to @taylorphinney on a regular basis.  You might recognize him from such instagrams as “NORTHERNERS”. But anyway it made me laugh out loud with its straightforwardness. @adamblythe89: Does @geraintthomas86 have a fractured pelvis? #hardasamotherf#*cker

Well I brought him on board for his panache but Dave Millar has catapulted me into first place with his actual bike riding skill!

Gerrans is a canny operator, as they say.

I was just about to diss cyclingnews’ feed and then they made me giggle: “Peter Sagan must really be wondering what he has to do to win in this year’s Tour.”

Also, I’m happy for new fave Jan keeping yellow, but Dave couldn’t have gapped him by a second and taken yellow?? HE’S SO CLOSE.

There are a lot of weird rulings going on this year that are de-favouring my boys.

It was that guy’s [OGE’s bus driver] first day on the job. He said something like “I don’t know whether I’m a world star or an international idiot.” With that and eternal bridesmaid Matt Harley on board, team morale really needs that boost from Gerro.

You keep dreaming Matty! @mattgoss1986: BIG day for OGE today, with @simongerrans win!!! Teams first TDF win, everyone is over the moon! And only stage 3, many more possibilities!!

Alright, I just peed my pants. Is this a mistranslation?? I have to find this interview: Pierre Rolland discusses his full polka dot kit. “It’s pleasant, it’s aesthetic, I look at myself and it’s beautiful.”

Oh man, they’re doing highlights from yesterday and an unseen interview with Jan. Matt Rendle starts asking him something and he interrupts: “You’re from England!” and then they start bantering and he goes “So the Queen’s going to give me a title? Sir Jan Bakelants sounds good no?”

Imagine what japes he and Jens get up to of an evening!

They WON’T STOP MENTIONING the possibility of Dave in yellow tomorrow.

Of course Jan has been fantastic and with him there's always some stupidities, as Max says, but of course my heart belongs to Dave.

Gee’s post race interview seemed like he was a bit zoned out on painkillers and was totally sweet, especially (as the entire internet has latched onto) when he said his mum doesn't want him to continue!

Okaaaay, my heart just exploded. “I’m looking really excited forward to this project”????! And then the smile at the end! I LOVE FAB.

Stage 4: Nice TTT

I don’t know why all tweets about Gee’s misfortune make me giggle. @geraintthomas86: Thanks for all the messages guys, much appreciated!!! Even the dope control guys came to wish me well, and take my urine… #thanks

My love for Dave outweighs almost anything, and then you get VDV in there and his extreme need to redeem himself… And next thing you know you’re by the side of the road screaming COME ON GARMIN!

@Garmin: So excited about watching @ride_argyle in TTT we can’t sleep! No matter where you live, get your cow bells out! 

MY COWBELLS ARE OUT.  #MakeItYellow

What with the broken pelvises and seprated shoulders and double concussions, this Tour is shaping up to be a fitting homage its founder, Henri Desgranges. You know, the one who said an ideal Tour would be 'the one in which there was only one finisher.'

Brian Holm's thoughts on TTTs: “It’s fast at the start and then it’s big pain and then pain, pain, pain.”

Ted has already been dropped, poor thing.

FDJ has really turned it around with their new kit. The other ones were so retro, in a bad way. It’s weird how they stuck with them for so long and then just inverted the colours and they don’t look horrendous anymore.

My heart is ripped between wanting OPQS to win (everything, all the time) and wanting Dave in yellow. AND THEY’RE BOTH SO GOOD AT TIME TRIALLING. Is there a way for OPQS to win today but Dave get yellow? #firstworldproblems

Oh my god Garmin are on the road. What if I vomit.

If OPQS get a second on Garmin then Kwiatkowski takes yellow. Cuz apparently the WHOLE GODDAMN PELATON is still essentially on the same time and whatever team wins, their best placed rider gets yellow. WHICH IS FINE if it’s Dave but not fine if it’s anyone else.

And now they’ve mentioned that Ted has to average some unbelievable speed ON HIS OWN to make the time cut. I SWEAR TO GOD PHIL if he gets cut I’ll weep.

Well that’s that. No yellow for Dave AND Ted will probably be cut. Vive le Tour indeed.

I can imagine the commentary right now: “Froome is BURYING himself in these final kilometers!”

I’ll tell you what I have mixed feelings about time trials.  They’re a thing of beauty but the conditions always change so much over the course of the day that I inevitably find them unfair (when people I want to win lose).

“Europcar are having a shocker, to be expected to some extent.” Don’t they know they need to get their time trialing in order if they EVER want to be legit GC contenders??

It’s always like that time when they were still BBox and they each just pitched over the side of the road into a ditch as they took a tight corner. (CycleSport derisively captioned a photo of it: “This is a ProTour team?”)

Also, they just mentioned that if Saxo-Tinkoff win, Nica Roche will be in the yellow jersey. The ONLY PERSON in the WORLD who would put Nica Roche on a fantasy team, and I TOOK HIM OFF yesterday cuz I couldn’t stomach that he was working for Contador.

Not to worry, they didn’t get it. Nica can be secure where he always has been: striving in vain for his father’s affection.

YOUCH. Gerro in yellow. Sooooo, so far nothing I wanted has come out of this stage.

A ‘dent’ in Tejay’s GC hopes is NOT what I want to hear.

Literally the only good news I’ve heard is Ted King made the time cut.  Other than that it’s nothing but the crushed dreams of Dave Millar, Nica Roche, OPQS, Tejay, and Matty Goss, who can’t even be number one IN HIS OWN TEAM.

Although I guess Matt Harley does get to go to the podium for the team win. Way to go Matty!!!

If Tony had a fully functioning brain at the minute there’s no way OPQS would’ve been beaten.

Also Niki and Gert look like they’ve been beaten round the ribcage with baseball bats and aren’t at full strength either. And Niki doesn't take wounds well.

Whitey just said: “Technically we nailed it.”

I mean obviously he means that in the way that a descent or a bend can be ‘technical’, but I like the more audacious interpretation.

Aaaaand Dave Millar is out of the Top 10. I can take no more.

Also, Cav is apparently recovering from bronchitis?? How did this zombie team get within a second of the Green Edge??? They should get a prize for that!

Miki got the nerd party started with the suggested title of OPQS's Tour biography: Clear Eyes, Sore Throat, Broken Pelvis: Can’t Lose.

I countered that if we're being accurate, Gee has the broken pelvis.

Hence: Clear Eyes, Sore Throat, Can't Lose (Consciousness. For a Third Time)

Is Raymond Poulidor going to stay up there for the team podium so he can look in the mirror at Matt Goss?

Niki has simply tweeted a sad face.

And Gert has retweeted it, so I’ve had to see it twice.

And now my heart has wrenched apart. @millarmind: Wish I could say something philosophical about today, in truth, my heart is a little broken. Tour de France, you kill me.

I keep misreading that as ‘my little heart is broken’. As in, not just a little bit broken, COMPLETELY broken.

I love how much OPQS love each other. It’s like HTC used to love each other. Which I guess makes sense since it’s basically HTC plus Added Japes.

It’s just so sort of painful to watch this back on highlights knowing Dave loses. And WATCHING him lose.

“It’s disappointing, but that’s racing.” *Sigh*

“If anything, I let the team down.” He will find that self-blame if it’s there to be found!

Wow, couldn’t have scripted that better: As Nica Roche sprints to the line: “Is he going to pull on the yellow jersey today?!  Just like his dad did in 1987 when he – NO, it’s not gonna happen.”

God when they say it like that: OGE are going about 60k an hour. They went through the flamme rouge at one minute one second off OPQS' time so it will be one second one way or the other. They seriously mathed it and won by ONE SECOND.

They seemed pretty chill. They SAT UP at the line and then it just showed them wandering around after the finish totally not even breaking a sweat. Gossy was yammering away to Gerro: “Me and Cam (were gonna be?) 5 meters off the back!”

HAHA Paul just noticed it too! “He looks pretty calm and collected there.”

“The Tour de France won’t be won by seconds by the time we get to Paris.” It’s just so epic.

Alright, they are cute, OGE. They’ve all got their arms around each other and are waiting respectfully for RSLT to come in.

And now they’re shouting.

“That was the cue for a full on celebration which was STILL going on by the time we hit the podium.”

Cav offers some perspective on his bronchitis versus Tony’s misfortune: “At least I’ve still got all my skin left an’ that.”

Twitter whispers at first, but now they're saying Ted King’s out by 7 seconds. THE FUCK. There’s debate over the time itself, which the officials apparently won’t even look into, plus the fact that there’s ALWAYS exceptions to the rule.  

If what they want is to turn me against the race in its 100^th year they are well on their way…

Because Tony Martin, you know, TONY MARTIN, riding your motherfucking race with half a working brain and no skin and a barely recovered eye socket, got fined for having world champ bands on his bike.   

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER UCI/ASO and stop literally kicking people while they’re down.

Tour de Bromance.

Stage 12: Cugnaux - Luz-Ardiden:

I love Lil Tom’s childlike delight on the podium.

"Unless he can repeat his heroics of 2004, he’ll be out of it by the end of the day."  Uh, he is a professional Hero, watch how he does this.

I love Klodi. I can’t tell if Gary Imlach is knocking him, but if so, there will be blood.

"Rojas will never get out ahead of the Manx Missile, not when he’s started the dance."

Good jesus, that crash of Gee’s was nearly absolutely awful.

"He was back at BOTH sides of the doctor’s car." Oh Klodi!!

I love that Lil Tom is such an ‘excellent bike handler’ that his way of averting a crash was to drive straight into the side of a car.

"Geraint Thomas is not comfortable AT ALL on this descent.” Well no you wouldn’t be! It’s like plummeting into a foggy precipice!

Really, has TheShack had the worst luck ever??

Oh for the love of Christ Klodi 'just got back in time to be dropped again at the base of this climb.’ This is becoming unbearable.

Nica Roche in 10^th position!! 

Andy Schleck like floats above his bike. He’s just dancin’ around up there, glancing to see who’s around while everyone's crying.

Sammy Sanchez is pretty excellent.

Awww, Nica’s going off the back. And apparently papa Steve ‘will be shouting at him somewhere’ along the route.

“I really wouldn’t worry about Thomas Voeckler, he’s handling himself rather well.” Well we only had to sit through six years of derogatory coverage of Lil Tom to get here.

A 'little dummy move' by Andy, before FRANKIE gets in there.

Frank IS the secret weapon!!!

And AGAIN Frankie!

They’re all just looking at each other loads.

Good god, FRANKIE!!

Don’t look back! Get the gap!!

Look at Frankie riding away!!

I can't BELIEVE how Frankie’s riding! He’s SO GOOD.

Sammy nearly threw himself off the bike with excitement! That was fabulous. That was one of my fave’s ever. Take that, Pistolero!

“Losing seconds on his own playground.”  And I say again, Take That, Pistolero!

Aww Thomas and Pierre Rolland! Cuteness.  Certainly up there for Biggest Bromance Award.

Oh for the love of god, 8 minutes down for Klodi.

Oh Johnny! Lovely man! "The Tour de France has been a dream of mine for like 10 years, so why would I cry? I’m still here.” YES YOU ARE.

“I’d like to win the Tour, but if my brother wins the Tour I’d be as happy as if I won the Tour.”  Hello, podium 1-2.

Thomas is TOO CUTE! Every time they speak to him it's DARLING.

Stage 14: Saint-Gaudens -Plateau de Beille:

"As always when it gets into these climbs, Bernie Eisel is there to nurture him through these difficult times."

Bernie just threw water on Cav. To keep his MIND in this race, apparently.

Paul was telling a cautionary tale about taking water from spectators but conceded "probably Thomas Voeckler knew that guy…” He knows everyone in France. He is their King.

It is crazed about the state of cycling that HTC is still looking for a sponsor. They WIN EVERYTHING.

And then there were three. And one was David Millar.

RE The Schlecks: "The won’t fight each other, but they’ll fight anybody else."

David Millar ALWAYS looks at the camera as it goes by and it’s ALWAYS sad.

"Fabian Cancellara, he’s too big for the mountains, but he’ still up there."

Awww Nica’s being dropped.

Of course Jerome Pineau was in the breakaway with bestie Sylvain. DON'T LEAVE ME SYLVAIN.

Fucking hell, Laurens Ten Dam is bleeding from the face.

"He didn’t look quite so imperial as his brother did on Luz Ardiden, but today may be his day."

Jens is down! Phil and Paul are philosophical: "Thank god that was only a gentle stroll through the bushes and not over the side of a mountain."

Apparently he conveyed "All fine, just need maybe some bike parts."

George is up there with the winners. Cuz he’s the biggest winner of all.

Jens is down AGAIN. Not so jovial this time. This time it’s ‘fuck you’ and ‘casse toi’ to the cameraman.

Phil and Paul are outdoing themselves here with Jens' crash: "He’s made of sterner stuff than that. He’s not gonna let two crashes keep him down", "He cant blame anyone else but his own enthusiasm", and "Once again, Jens Voigt, the biggest head, the biggest heart, the biggest pair of lungs, the biggest man in this race."

There is frenzy with the leaders: "Every man just chasing wheels, going with anything." Someone could jump on the route with a kid's bike and they would chase it down.

The Leopards are so pretty out in their train.

Andy and Frankie just seem to dance around the group. Riding up and down just looking at everyone. Maybe I'm being stupid, but if they've got the ability to do that, why aren't they riding AWAY?

Aaaaaand, SCHLECK ATTACK.

And AGAIN.

Andy went around that corner like he was going on the flat!

"But where is Alberto Contador now…?" HA!

I love it, AGAIN from Andy!

And followed again by Lil Tom!

"There’s a Schleck at the front." Hilarious. Standard.

I think Frank and Andy were talking on the radio and strategizing in Luxembourgish from opposite ends of the bunch.

"He never shows pain, Andy Schleck, and it doesn’t look like he’s going through any!"

Go Jelle Vanendert! Way to make a statement for Omega Pharma that isn't a punctured lung!

A final wee fuck you from Andy there at the end. Awesome. 

Awww PhilGil came in smiling SO happily for little Jelle! Certainly in the running for the Tour de Bromance.

Then they were caught in a little embrace behind the podium. There's some serious competition in this category.

Frankie just had a little dig there. “My brother and Basso and myself were trying to race, but no one was interested.”

The Badger and Lil Tom are havin' quite a laugh on the podium.

Stage 15:  Limoux -Montpellier:

Sometimes when Gary Imlach isn't being annoying, he's rather funny. Talking of starters and non-starters today: "Laurens Ten Dam has started. So has Jens Voigt, but then short of enforced hospitalization, Jens ALWAYS starts."

Hmm, who to root for in the breakaway, Tony of the Square and of the Saur, youngest rider, or Niki Terpstra, who just has a pretty fun name

"Bernie Eisel—the brains of the organization." Brains AND (relative to cycling) Brawn.

Bernie's now taken out a road plan and is attempting to read it over his handlebars in gale force winds.  Intense.

But not so intense that he can't crack a little joke with Tony Martin.

Seriously, why is everyone so childlike about never wanting to do their share at the front?  Phil put it possibly the best ever today: "Well if you guys don’t want to help, forget it, we’ll get on with it, and we’ll STILL beat you at the finish." BURN.

Oh my god, amazing. Apparently riders used to ride off the front, get a few minutes ahead, then, once out of view, hide in the bushes til the pelaton went past.  Then they'd rejoing at the back and watch the group chase nothing! If this is the kind of japery we can be guaranteed without race radios then I'm all for it.

Bernie really does look like a master tactician. He’s making a series of military signals all over the road, listening into his earpiece intensely... Probably planning to send Tejay and Peter Velits off the front to hide in the bushes.

Classic. About Lil Tom: "He’s become an absolute hero yet again."

Bernie’s chatting to a Europcar guy.  ‘Dunno’, he seems to be saying.

The Schlecks look like they’re sulking. Maybe they can hear Phil and Paul’s unnecessarily harsh commentary of them in their earpieces.

We get it Paul, you love FDJ.

I like how HTC refer to everyone as ‘gentleman’. Bob Stapleton was just in commentary saying ‘thank you gentlemen’, and of course you get Rolf Aldag and Brian Holm going ‘good job, gentlemen’, ‘here we go, gentlemen’ all through Chasing Legends.

They are literally, physically shoving each other around in the HTC train.  GET IN LINE.  IF YOU LET ANYONE THAT'S NOT ON HTC INTO YOUR SLIPSTREAM I WILL CUT YOU.

Ballsy move by PhilGil! 

Peter Velits did not appreciate that FDJ guy flying towards him from the breakaway into the front of the train.  He was like SHIT OFF.

AMAZING, it’s like there’s no one else in the race! 19 Stage Wins for the Missile from the Isle of Man.

Cav’s just standing there waiting for each HTC guy to come in.  Cuteness!

Meanwhile, Lil Tom's still in yellow and "he is STILL the toast of France."

Paul takes a moment out of his love for FDJ to spread the love for Lil Tom: "I love a fighter, and there is no finer example of a fighter than Tommy Voeckler."

Cav can't let one interview go by without a little dig, I love it: “The other teams don’t wanna ride, I guess they don’t have confidence in their sprinters.”

Awww Lil Tom just reached for his teammate at the line. I hope it was new boyfriend Pierre Rolland.

That was a bit hilarious, talking about Cav’s aerodynamics in comparison to Daniel Oss behind him. It was like a fucking horse coming up on him.  Plus his hair must get caught in the wind and cause drag.

Into the second rest day, and Lil Tom still gets to wear yellow to sleep.

Chapeau, Monsieur Panache.

Stage 7: Le Mans - Châteauroux:

Oh my god, Sky have Nigel Tufnell as DS in the form of Sean Yates.  Swifty was back at the car getting the day’s briefing, in a way.  “Ah the finnnij versa bangawn tayolwin” Swifty was baffled: “Bang on tailwind??”  Mate, I may be from Yorkshire but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

These crashes are absolutely preposterous. It’s going to be like the old days when 100 guys started and the one man alive at the end was the winner.

Prentice Steffen also as some very interesting and extremely relevant points to make here.

I’m actually quite shocked at the condition some of these guys were allowed to ride on in.

You’d almost want to go in a breakaway every day just to get away from all the nervous, dangerous pelaton.

Oh dear, Phil and Paul really have lost it now. HTC has one mission, and that is "to deliver Mark Cavendish to the missile base!"  What, I cannot fathom, will be the bike riding equivalent of the Cuban Missile Crisis?

HTC are so epic.  Like poetry in motion. Like Dave Z in a time trial.

Romain Feilleiu DOES seem to cause havoc as Cav suggests.

Aaaaand it's number 17 for the Missile from the Isle of Man, where it all began.

Stage 8: Aigurande - Super-Besse Sancy :

Tejay in the break!!

And Addy’s out there too! Addy hung with Cokey Tom during the lonely chase back to the finish after his hideous, concussion-inducing crash. And for this of course we love him.

Just a bit of weeing down the side there.  Where’s PhilGil to regulate Pee Time and get this race to stop?

George is grabbing everyone’s rain gear to take back to the car. What a gracious host.

Phil and Paul love George. And hilarious imagery. "He will do whatever he can to lead this dance, he’s a very good chief of the orchestra."

Is Thor riding on a motorbike while everyone else races? He’s just like laughing and chatting all the time.

“There's the green jersey of Thomas Voeckler-- he’ll be looking for the move.” That is so his vibe.

Oh my god, the poor cows. ‘Red’, white, and ‘blue’ painted. Turned out more purple, white, and pink.  They do not look impressed.

Bit of British pride for David Millar there: "He could pull back 7 seconds on Cadel Evans as easy as you like."

What an epic day for Tejay, I thought he might have it there in the end.

Other:

Oh what, this? Now where have I seen that before? Only me, little french hero Thomas Voeckler.  And yes, the (often drunk) french commentators do call me Monsieur Panache.

Well, who's still able to put there feet on pedals out there?  A handful of concussions here, a baker's dozen of broken collar bones there, Henri Desgrange is finally getting his wish that one man will arrive in Paris alive, and that man will be crowned the winner. 

And with all the other danger and hideousness out there, riders probably shouldn't have to worry about being sicked on.

Meanwhile, Andy Schleck doesn't appear to suffer. Ever.

Also meanwhile, Johnny Hoogerland, hero of the race (and possibly the world) suffers simply far too much.  Let's just recap there: After a car swerved towards him, he was THROWN from his bike INTO A BARBED WIRE FENCE.  I mean come on, that is just too much.  When the car hits Flecha directly and he hits the floor, that's quite bad enough, and then a human body goes sailing through the air in the background, only to become entangled in a BARBED WIRE FENCE.  What if it had been electric?

Johnny Hoogerland, we salute you.

Millar Time.

Stage 2: Les Essarts- Les Essarts

Why don’t we talk about Klodi possibly being in yellow? Why are we just always endlessly talking about Sky and G Thomas and the endless potential that Sky NEVER FULFILL?

I’m not sure of the validity of a team time trial, but they sure used to be a thing of beauty in the Postal/Disco Days.

“Sky and HTC have this rivalry… Mark Cavendish loves to beat them…”  As if I didn't like Cav enough.  But honestly, how annoying would it be to be on HTC and WIN EVERYTHING and just have people CONSTANTLY talk about another team who WINS NOTHING as like your equal.

If HTC lapped Sky out on course that would be so epic.

YEAH ‘watch out for a surprise from AG2R’!  GET IN THERE NICA ROCHE.

In terrible foreshadowing of Bernie's crash-tastic taking of that corner, Paul explains that TT bikes are "designed to go fast in a straight line”. Don't deviate from the formula!

“Look at the STYLE there of that man, he’s just gonna jump in front of his teammate and give him a break.”  They are all about Lil Tom this year!  The praise is so effusive!

 FUCK YOU SKY.  Garmin OWNED you.

Oh Bernie!!!

They're gonna make me cry with this commentary! “A very, very popular member of the squad. He will be very embarrassed by that, sitting on the floor.”  Not that I would want anyone to fall, but certainly never Bernie!

"Fabian Cancellara is worth THREE men." Honestly, sometimes I wonder if they don't actually love some of these riders.

Oh come on, they won't let it go! "This will forever be known as ‘Eisel Corner’."

"You’ve got big power in there, you’ve got George Hincapie."

I am lovin' Lay-oh-pard Trek very much.  I almost wish there were more Schlecks, just cuz it amuses me so much with two of them: "117 Schleck, that’s Frank; 111 Schleck, that’s Andy."

If Bernie gets eliminated cuz of the time cut, I’ll stop watching.

I won't, but it will be really stupid. Like when Robbie Hunter got eliminated before the Champs.  

Well, amazing bit of work from BMC, but what do you expect from a squad captained (lieutenant-ed?) by Big George Hincapie.

TheShack were certainly excellent as well, though I would've preferred if they could've beaten Sky. But I would've preferred if everyone could've beaten Sky, really.

And considering the Schlecks mostly move backwards in a Time Trial, I am serrrrrriously impressed with the Leopards. Obviously Spartacus is worth three men, but they kicked some serious ass, even with nature clearly against them.

I suppose if anyone had to beat the Leopards, I'm ok that it's Garmin.  Cuz they guarantee podium japes.  Also, Dave Z always offers up an amused, wry smile, the expression of which he is king.

Plus, hello, could I actually love David Millar more?

Until tomorrow, we'll await Cav's clandestine photo of Bernie's wounded bum.

Vendee La Chemise

And so it begins...

Tour de France 2011

Stage 1: Passage du Gois La Barre-de-Monts - Mont des Alouettes Les Herbiers

Some pre race interviews and David Millar, naturally, tells it like it is: [Re: Contador and his meats] “It’s not his fault, it’s the sport’s fault, it’s the authorites’ fault... They should get their act together.”

Oh yay.  Matt Rendle, Chris Boardman, and Ned Boulting taking us through the first 60km.  Try not to kill the sport.

“It was up to Alberto to prove he had eaten some contaminated beef. Obviously he proved it to the satisfaction of the Spanish Cycling Federation.” Yeah, by going, “I ate some bad meat” -- CASE CLOSED.

Our first mention of Lil Tom, “largely credited for saving the team.” He is an actual French hero. 

“FDJ was outclassed last year by BBox.”  And pretty much every year. Cuz they manage not to be taken down by dogs and take stage wins from Axel Merckx. I'm looking at you, Sandy.

Some of the riders seem a bit unfamiliar with the cameras among them. "What up, I’m John Gadret. ... Oh you’re still there. ... Did you need something?"  Then he just looked a bit confused and went ‘Ca va?’  The cameraman seemed satisfied and left him alone.

Aww, Cav crying on the podium still chokes me up!

Is Thor super popular in the pelaton? He’s always chatting with someone. He is the Queen Bee of the pelaton.

“He’s suggested he might make the podium, and he’s bitten people’s heads off when they suggested he might make the podium.  But that’s Brad.”  Yeah. What a guy.

He doesn’t come across well, Bradley.  Like, he's not doing himself any favors there by opening his mouth.

Ha, David Millar has been making some typically amazing statements about Brad being a dick etc, and now he's having to reign it in (also rather dramatically): “I’ve gone too far now.” Apparently they've mended their bridges, but I think we know whose side EVERYONE would be on if there were an actual fistfight.

Jeremy Roy has a note he’s prepared for this occasion! Something about 'bonheur', can't really read it. That's cute.

That was a wee bit hilarious. No pun intended. PhilGil peeled off the side, then people just started dropping.  PhilGil says it’s Wee Time!

Eww. Cav should not go to Sky. I mean I know they’ll give him a million billion dollars, but WTF? It makes no sense. Plus everyone knows HTC is where it's at.

Frankie!  Our first glimpse.  The Leopards are bunching off to the right.

The warning system is going a bit nuts here in traffic furniture country. Hand down to the right. To the left. Ooh right again. THERE'S SHIT EVERYWHERE.

A crash! Oh my god, it was a bit heavy.

Jurgen Van De Walle it was.  Seems to be ok. Everyone’s working their way back up.

I don’t know what’s going on in that Skoda commercial.  Someone’s had a go at Cokey Tom’s secret stash before making that.

Is Chris Boardman the dullest man alive?

There seem to be so many 'two-pronged attacks' in this year’s Tour.  I think some Directeur Sportifs need to have a think about what happens when you 'let the road decide'.

Phil is describing Cav’s poker face and semi-shiftiness rather hilariously.  “During the team meeting, he didn’t even appear to be listening to the briefing ...but of course he was.”

It is weird how American cycling as come on so much in kinda a short amount of time.  There are four American teams in the race now. AMERICA RULES.

“The strong man from AUSTRIA.”  Sometimes the way they describe certain riders makes them sound so much more masculine.  And of course that's true when you're discussing ladies man man's man man about town Bernie Eisel.

“Quemeneur has never won a bike race but he’s French and that does make a difference.”

Sylvain’s chatting with someone from AG2R.  Might it be honorary Frenchman Nica Roche?

“That’s uh, that’s a lot of doves down there.” They are really struggling.  The camerawork is a bit too chateau-happy for my liking. I love a chateau but do we need a double 360 on EVERY chateau in the Vendee?

They’ve now taken to calling Lil Tom ‘Little Tommy Voeckler”.  Can you call a Frenchman 'Tommy'? 

I suppose if the French champs jersey had to go to anyone besides Lil Tom, I’m pleased it’s little Sylvain.

Lil Tom DOES ‘have the explosion to get up this course.’

“Good tactics!” I never thought I’d hear them praise Lil Tom! They’re always having a go at his love of breakaways.

Getting into Jurgen Van de Walle’s ‘own psychological balloon’ sounds a bit disturbing.  Though he's done a pretty stellar job of work today.

Paul always sounds like he’s selling HD! He just drops it in randomly all the time.  Take notes Paul, look how George works it.

Oh my god can they please ALWAYS call PhilGil “The Man in Black”!!

Another crash! A guy from Europcar just weirdly pitched into a ditch.

Oh and little Linus has gone with him.

“I didn’t recognize that guy from Europcar”, like he’s some random who stole a cycling kit and is just goin' round the pelaton like an imposter.  You know how we deal with that kind of problem.

Oh David Arroyo! Is he the one that went really intensely over that ravine a few years ago and mountaineered back up?  He’s down again this year.

Jens is making someone from TheShack giggle.

Cadel has an odd position on the bike that just looks labored.

Dave Z is all over this race! Leaving Tofurkey Jerky in his wake.

Is this seriously setting the record for most crashes in a single stage?

I like when they shake hands when they’re caught. It's gentlemanly. 

Oh no! Now that they’ve dangled the possibility of Lil Tom winning I’m gonna be so disappointed if he doesn’t!

GOOD JESUS. Another crash!  HUGE.

George! First glimpse.

"It would appear that only one man has been caught out" by the crash-tastic split: Bertie.

George, with Bernie behind. Excellent camerawork.

ANOTHER CRASH.

A Team (Dino)Saur guy had some fancy footwork there. Dancing over the ditch. Way to stay upright, guy!

Fab is always up there! He can’t help himself!

THAT was insane. What a finish!

Cadel in second?!  NUTS.  He nearly had The Man in Black there at the end.

Frankie was right up there too! 

I don't always have nice things to say about ITV's coverage of bike racing, but I have to admit they do a fantastic job of wrap-up montages set to lovely music.  

Pierrig Quemeneur got Most Aggressive Rider. He has previously been seen on the podium with piglets and I therefore am a fan.  Take that Pierrick! 

Team Lay-oh-pard sound like they have a fun time.  Also, over dinner they discuss whether the moon landing was real.  

Rooming with Tejay Van Garderen and Danny Pate sounds rather hilarious as well, if their #growup #noonecares exchange on twitter is anything to go by.