Milan-Sanremo
Sooooo, Fabian Cancellara is a living legend. I feel like in a way, Tinkov was trying to give him a compliment; crafty ol' fox, say. But whatever the provocation, WHAT A RESPONSE. WHAT A MAN.
WHAT A CHAMPION. In L'Equipe this morning: "Sagan is a great rider. Stop saying that we're enemies and we can't stand one another! We're rivals-- that's different."
It sounds like the theme of the day will be #rain #rain, but that has already made for some excellent punning.
But yeah we'll see who's feelin' the jokes after 300k.
This update from cyclingnews feels like a beautiful short story; or maybe I'm just being swept away by the excitement of LA CLASSICISSIMA:
The escapees reach the summit of the Turchino with a lead of five minutes over the peloton. This is more or less the midway point of the race, but also a rather symbolic moment. In the popular imagination, at least, the Turchino marks the boundary between the frigid air of the northern Italian plain and the sunshine of the Riviera, the threshold between winter and spring. I'm not sure if they can appreciate that symbolism out on the road right now- the rain is still cascading out of a leaden sky as they begin the descent, with temperatures still in single digits.
Ok I was lukewarm towards Kristoff when he won last year, but he is SO CUTE in this pre-race interview! I'm not saying I want him to win again (Hello, Dege, Fab, Kwiato, Cav...) but you know, podium place? I'd be down for that.
BIKE RACING IS BEAUTIFUL:
The switch of Milan-San Remo from Saturday to Sunday has altered the experience of La Classicissima somewhat for those who live near the Turchino. An aquantaince of Cyclingnews from Campo Ligure often recalls with misty eyes how the Saturday morning passing of Milan-San Remo meant that he and his classmates were frog-marched out of school early to cheer on Argentin, Bugno et al. Let's hope the race carries the same appeal for the youth of today even if it no longer involves cutting class.
Is Cav sandbagging again? Hard to find evidence of this on the internet, but didn't he and Brian Holm treat 2009 like a Soviet spy mission? Like pulling out of races with fake illness in the run up and pretending to be bad in the mountains for like the whole early season?
Those rain capes of BMC are rather garish. Their kits are pretty subdued and classy and then they've got these BRIGHT ORANGE clashing jackets.
Julian Berard gives us a little wave as we race along. Chilleur.
Every time OPQS has safety in numbers I get such anxiety.
But what a freaking TEAM. Kwiato, Cav, Styby as possible winners. Plus workhorse and beast man Stijn VDB and Hair Idol Julian Vermote.
It's not THAT sunny here but yeah, samesies.
Martin Tjallingii riding along with a banana in his mouth there.
And Kwiato taking off the first of several layers.
Hokaaayyy, don't say Bernie Eisel is on camera when he is NOT ON CAMERA. That's like a mean girls style prank.
Tinkov-SassyBank all over the front. Sky joining them. Kwiato there.
OOF crash in this sort of tunnel thing.
They're all getting told 'move up move up'.
It's been so many years since we've seen the World Champion win Milan-Sanremo. DO IT KWIATO.
ALEXXXXX! HIIIIIIII! Alex is back!
Cannondale-Garmin, we haven't heard a lot from them this year. Uhhhh, are you in a social media blackout?
Sunshine at Via Roma it seems.
Fran's not a fan of HD Stijn VDB face then.
Ho-HO it's slo-mo SuperFenn now, surely can't have a problem with that?
omg seriously. I am a fortune teller.
Oh christ, Gossy was at the back there.
IT'S KICKIN OFF LADS.
Teeth are being gritted, people are being dropped.
WHAT THE ACTUAL-- DO THOSE PEOPLE HAVE FLAME THROWERS?!!
A 300k+ bike race in the rain isn't enough, now you have to dodge explosions from the peanut gallery?
Le Crow leading Sky around these lanes.
OH CRASH.
Fuck they're all just sitting against the wall.
NOT ALEX. He JUST came back!
Juul Jenson, fucking hell. Bleeding from the face.
Yeah that's not Le Crow's fault Brian Smith or whoever you are commentating. That's shady commentating suggesting that.
Three Sky's alone on the front, literally a tiny breakaway: Le Crow, G, and Swifty. Weird. Interesting.
Yeah, it was planned to take the lead and have one of their guys crash, WHO IS THIS IDIOT??
The Skys are mopping up some breakaways. 2ks to the turn at Cipressa.
Onto the slopes of the Cipressa, but looks like the peloton are close behind.
Attack BMC. Dillier straight past the Sky group, G and Swifty latching on.
STYBY! Shot off the front like a cannon! Fuuuuuuckin' hell. He went up like it was flat and is already on the back of that Sky/Dillier group. Greg VanAv got up in there too at some point.
CRASH.
Arnaud Demare! Oh no! Le Crow gave him a little look as he went by. Aww.
Cripes Sky are setting an INFERNAL pace. Kristoff is hanging off the back.
G's got his earpiece out. I GOT THIS.
"The Playboy Italian"! Ha! Pippo's near the front, if that wasn't clear.
Where are these people coming from?? Every time you come back to the front it's some new person or team you didn't even think was in the group!
NATHAN HAAS ON THE FRONT NOW.
Pippo shouting at motorbikes to kindly make way.
Off the descent of the Cipressa, and ATTACK OSS.
HE IS SUCH A DUDE.
Where's G? They say he's out front too.
Ah there, he's with Oss now.
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO KWAITO??? He's coming up from the back, though looking fairly chill.
He's just coming up the side like NO CHAIN.
Ok I think he was maybe just taking his leg warmers off and maybe strategising at the back.
Some good quality SASS going on there Dan.
G looks like he might vom on himself.
They kind of have the same hair.
G and Oss, this is. They've got about 30 seconds.
I like this just generally as an image, for anytime of life. But yeah, def great news for the race right now.
Who've GreenEdge got?
A kilometre up the Poggio! AHH THE STRESS!!!
7 seconds for the Hair Blair Bunch.
LUCAAAAAAAA and his glorious beard are leading the peloton.
Time to be a hero once again!
AHH G HAS ATTACKED!
WAHOOOOO around the corner.
I don't think Luca Paolini can bring back Geraint Thomas.
Uh huh. This fuckin' guy.
HELL YEAH. PHILGIL FOLLOWED BY STYBY.
Oh. Came to nothing.
Greg VanAV has caught G!
POGGIO DI SANREMO you are a beautiful tv graphic!
Ahhhh it's all coming together on the descent.
Crash somewhere
Hairpin hairpin hairpin
PhilGil, Styby, Ciolek all down in that crash. DAMMIT.
Rolf Aldag out with his OPQSers commiserating.
Moves and moves and moves, people going forward and dropping back.
1500 meters to go!!
HERO LUCA bringing Kristoff to the front.
FLAMME ROUGE!!!!!!!
LUCA TURNS RIGHT AT THE FOUNTAIN
AHHH I'M RIDING SAM REMO WHAT IS THIS CAMERA WORK????!
JOHN DEGENKOLB JOHN DEGENKKOLB JOHNDGENKOLB
COME ON!!!!!!
JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!
JOHN DEGENKOLB IST MEIN HELD!!!!!
HE REALLY IS!!!!
Kristoff has just started to die. Only decent thing that asshat has said all day.
I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!
Sunday, 22 March 2015
Sunday, 15 March 2015
Aussie Rules
Paris Nice Stage 7: Nice-Col d'Eze ITT
Well might as well bookend this Paris-Nice, as I haven't managed to cover anything that happened since the Prologue.
Looks real gross out there today.
I like how these warm ups and warm downs are done in like weirdly exposed areas in the middle of the city going about its business.
In addition to Manual For Speed brilliantly describing the Prologue course as starting behind a grocery store and finishing down the road at a building.
Tony, unwillingly taking off his gilet at the last second before the start.
After his stellar performance at the last time trial, Bradley Wiggins has decided not to take the start today. What a champion.
Nice sur la pluit. Et dans le vent. Real talk.
Grossssssssssss.
On a vu des arrives de Paris-Nice beaucoup plus chaud.
Nice one Pitbull! Currently in the lead! Of course Tony the Tiger is out on course, so....
Yeahhhhh, Tony has caught his minute man.
Actually he's caught his THREE minute man, Simon Clarke!
I love this blatantly nationalistic coverage. They're asking Michael Matthews if they think Tony Gallopin can pull it off today. He countered with his own jingoistic prediction that Richie will come from behind and take it.
THE CUTEST from Julian Alaphillippe just now, about Kwiato: Bien sur je vais lui donner du conseil, mais il n'a pas besoin de mon conseil!
YAAASSS!
TONY. Killing it. New best time by 8 seconds.
Allllloooo.
Pour les courers, on peut pas dire que c'est des conditions ideal.
Ok, how does the UCI expect to be taken seriously when they are spending their time checking people's bikes for motors.
When did they stop calling him Rafael Valls Ferri? I preferred that.
!!!!! I don't know!!!!
God it seemed like PhilGil was out there for days!! His time seems to back this up as well.
G! Here we go!
Richieeeeeee!
Uhh did we not even get to see Michal go off!?? Not cool, France 3, not cool.
Oh. Maybe I blinked. GO KWIATO!
Whaaaat, Simon Spilak thought he won yesterday and raised his arm only to discover Tony Gallopin beat him to it??? That's so sad!
No pressure, guy.
I feel like Votre Copain Tony Gallopin should be some kind of children's programme about stranger danger or something.
Simonnnnnnnnn! I mean maybe he won't keep it, but that's a bit of redemption after yesterday's embarrassment.
Has there ever been a time when the last French winner of a race WASN'T Bernard Hinault?
Yikes, nice one Rui!
Holy shit.
God Kwiato took that turn like a BEAST. I thought he was gonna go over!
FUUUUUUUCKIN HELL RICHIE! That was insanity.
Now we have to watch this sad, loser's procession of Tony Gallopin!
Oh my jesus he's fallen off the podium.
And now they're asking him if it feels disappointed. COME ON.
Devastating.
Does Tony Gallopin remind anyone else of Doug Stamper? Is it the eyebrows?
I think Elia Viviani is like the kindest human being and most supportive teammate ever. He's always saying nice things and apologising for letting the team down when he's got like a broken arm and pelvis.
For some reason it's quite weird to end on a time trial.
Didn't last year have a huge dramatic run-in along the Promenade des Anglais? That was badass.
But anyway, I guess the point is: GO RICHIE.
The ninja will no doubt be thrilled.
Well might as well bookend this Paris-Nice, as I haven't managed to cover anything that happened since the Prologue.
Looks real gross out there today.
I like how these warm ups and warm downs are done in like weirdly exposed areas in the middle of the city going about its business.
In addition to Manual For Speed brilliantly describing the Prologue course as starting behind a grocery store and finishing down the road at a building.
Tony, unwillingly taking off his gilet at the last second before the start.
After his stellar performance at the last time trial, Bradley Wiggins has decided not to take the start today. What a champion.
Nice sur la pluit. Et dans le vent. Real talk.
Grossssssssssss.
On a vu des arrives de Paris-Nice beaucoup plus chaud.
Nice one Pitbull! Currently in the lead! Of course Tony the Tiger is out on course, so....
Yeahhhhh, Tony has caught his minute man.
Actually he's caught his THREE minute man, Simon Clarke!
I love this blatantly nationalistic coverage. They're asking Michael Matthews if they think Tony Gallopin can pull it off today. He countered with his own jingoistic prediction that Richie will come from behind and take it.
THE CUTEST from Julian Alaphillippe just now, about Kwiato: Bien sur je vais lui donner du conseil, mais il n'a pas besoin de mon conseil!
YAAASSS!
TONY. Killing it. New best time by 8 seconds.
Allllloooo.
Pour les courers, on peut pas dire que c'est des conditions ideal.
Ok, how does the UCI expect to be taken seriously when they are spending their time checking people's bikes for motors.
When did they stop calling him Rafael Valls Ferri? I preferred that.
!!!!! I don't know!!!!
God it seemed like PhilGil was out there for days!! His time seems to back this up as well.
G! Here we go!
Richieeeeeee!
Uhh did we not even get to see Michal go off!?? Not cool, France 3, not cool.
Oh. Maybe I blinked. GO KWIATO!
Whaaaat, Simon Spilak thought he won yesterday and raised his arm only to discover Tony Gallopin beat him to it??? That's so sad!
No pressure, guy.
I feel like Votre Copain Tony Gallopin should be some kind of children's programme about stranger danger or something.
Simonnnnnnnnn! I mean maybe he won't keep it, but that's a bit of redemption after yesterday's embarrassment.
Has there ever been a time when the last French winner of a race WASN'T Bernard Hinault?
Yikes, nice one Rui!
Holy shit.
God Kwiato took that turn like a BEAST. I thought he was gonna go over!
FUUUUUUUCKIN HELL RICHIE! That was insanity.
Now we have to watch this sad, loser's procession of Tony Gallopin!
Oh my jesus he's fallen off the podium.
And now they're asking him if it feels disappointed. COME ON.
Devastating.
Does Tony Gallopin remind anyone else of Doug Stamper? Is it the eyebrows?
I think Elia Viviani is like the kindest human being and most supportive teammate ever. He's always saying nice things and apologising for letting the team down when he's got like a broken arm and pelvis.
For some reason it's quite weird to end on a time trial.
Didn't last year have a huge dramatic run-in along the Promenade des Anglais? That was badass.
But anyway, I guess the point is: GO RICHIE.
The ninja will no doubt be thrilled.
Sunday, 8 March 2015
7 Minutes in Heaven
Paris-Nice Prologue: Maurepas-Maurepas
Erm, am I writing Garmin's tweets these days?
Their social media has been ON FIRE this year, starting way back with the BenKing86/89 hilarity.
Well someone has been reading my dream journal, cuz this is ALMOST the perfect Garmin team:
Alex Howes
TJ Butcher
Ted King
Ben King
Dylan Van Baarle
Special Agent Jack Bauer
Andrew Talansky
Sebastian Langeveld
I might swap Andrew Talansky and Sebastian Langeveld for Nathan Haas and Moreno Moser. And Dan Martin as a reserve. But other than that, ACTUAL DREAM TEAM.
Ok I have been kidding about this whole TJ Butcher thing, but WHAT?!?! This is amazing.
Ok, let's race.
DVB is leading!
Oop well that didn't last.
Oh c'est pas mal hein? ...Ah non, 58eme, c'est moins bon.
It must be a little tedious to commentate on a time trial. I guess these jokers can be forgiven for not knowing entirely what is going on.
That was kinda a tune on the Lexus advert.
And then Eurosport is clearly using some AWOLNATION in their promos. Excellent stuff.
TJ BUTCHER IN THIRD
He shined so bright last year. BRING IT HOME THIS YEAR TJ!
Nico out on course. I'm so glad he's at Sky now and not working for Bertie at SaxoBank. He was using his powers for evil there.
Nice one from Cokey Tom. He was having some issues with his helmet midway through which slowed him down, but very decent in the end.
Richie off the ramp, confusing me cuz he's in his Australian Time Trial champ gear and all it's colours and not standard-issue Sky blacks.
...parce que Richie Porte un jour sans, ca peut être quinze minutes d'un coup!
That dude in the middle is so lucky.
Il a gagner l'étape reine a Willunga Hill.
Devant qui?
Devant Rohan Dennis, justement!
Not bad Richie. Third for the moment.
It is so fitting when Lars Boom is in a time trial and he rides with the warning BOOM behind him. What a ledge.
Panzerwagen is a go.
Special Agent Jack Bauer rollin' in. With the greatest nickname ever given: l'hero malheureux de Nimes.
That's practically a Shakespeare character. Or like a minor character from the Count of Monte Cristo.
Attention ca va jouer ca va jouer!
DO IT TONY!!!!
DAMN.
Oh. Well then who cares. We love you Tony!
PhilGil off to the races. No results as of yet, but you can't deny he's been killin' it this early season.
Hendy posting a very respectable time there.
Tiny John Degenkolb out there now too.
Which makes this an inappropriate time to go to commercial.
And offer extensive coverage of whatever this cross-country skiing thing is.
Cuz meanwhile THINGS ARE GOIN' DOWN!
Oh thank god I was really concerned for a minute there that I was gonna have to watch skiing for the rest of my life.
...and not a moment too soon. KWIATOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Wee Sylvain en piste, as they say.
Fuckin' hell Michal is not playin' around! How is he already in the finishing straight??
COME ON MICHAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, by 31 100ths of a second!!!
Brad Wiggins out now, to come ruin all the fun, as he does, always.
On the bike, Wiggo really looks like Oppy, the TDU Mascot. It makes me feel sort of queasy.
And on the opposite end of that spectrum, Michal Kwiatkowski is THE CUTEST MAN ALIVE!!! They're just interviewing him about being so excellent etc, and he is just so sweet!!!
Ah il est battu, il va être battu, et largement meme!
SUCK IT WIGGO.
Fucking hell and then one of the tv motorbikes hit a barrier! What the hell! Lucifer is riding with Wiggo here.
Tejay still out there!
But no.
HA, actually better than Brad, THE WORLD'S GREATEST HUMAN AND BIKE RIDER EVER, apparently.
What a dick.
Wish there was video, but the sentiment still stands.
Hubris.
Well we didn't see it but NICE ONE for Tiny John Degenkolb, in for sixth!
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!
Meanwhile, is Niki trolling his boss? I love it. Also the caption is weirdly hysterical.
Well Paris-Nice obviously got the memo about last year's Fireworks of Tirreno and has fired a BRILLIANT opening salvo in the fight for stage race supremacy. Your move, Tirreno.
Erm, am I writing Garmin's tweets these days?
Their social media has been ON FIRE this year, starting way back with the BenKing86/89 hilarity.
Well someone has been reading my dream journal, cuz this is ALMOST the perfect Garmin team:
Alex Howes
TJ Butcher
Ted King
Ben King
Dylan Van Baarle
Special Agent Jack Bauer
Andrew Talansky
Sebastian Langeveld
I might swap Andrew Talansky and Sebastian Langeveld for Nathan Haas and Moreno Moser. And Dan Martin as a reserve. But other than that, ACTUAL DREAM TEAM.
Ok I have been kidding about this whole TJ Butcher thing, but WHAT?!?! This is amazing.
Ok, let's race.
DVB is leading!
Oop well that didn't last.
Oh c'est pas mal hein? ...Ah non, 58eme, c'est moins bon.
It must be a little tedious to commentate on a time trial. I guess these jokers can be forgiven for not knowing entirely what is going on.
That was kinda a tune on the Lexus advert.
And then Eurosport is clearly using some AWOLNATION in their promos. Excellent stuff.
TJ BUTCHER IN THIRD
He shined so bright last year. BRING IT HOME THIS YEAR TJ!
Nico out on course. I'm so glad he's at Sky now and not working for Bertie at SaxoBank. He was using his powers for evil there.
Nice one from Cokey Tom. He was having some issues with his helmet midway through which slowed him down, but very decent in the end.
Richie off the ramp, confusing me cuz he's in his Australian Time Trial champ gear and all it's colours and not standard-issue Sky blacks.
...parce que Richie Porte un jour sans, ca peut être quinze minutes d'un coup!
That dude in the middle is so lucky.
Il a gagner l'étape reine a Willunga Hill.
Devant qui?
Devant Rohan Dennis, justement!
Not bad Richie. Third for the moment.
It is so fitting when Lars Boom is in a time trial and he rides with the warning BOOM behind him. What a ledge.
Panzerwagen is a go.
Special Agent Jack Bauer rollin' in. With the greatest nickname ever given: l'hero malheureux de Nimes.
That's practically a Shakespeare character. Or like a minor character from the Count of Monte Cristo.
Attention ca va jouer ca va jouer!
DO IT TONY!!!!
DAMN.
Oh. Well then who cares. We love you Tony!
PhilGil off to the races. No results as of yet, but you can't deny he's been killin' it this early season.
Hendy posting a very respectable time there.
Tiny John Degenkolb out there now too.
Which makes this an inappropriate time to go to commercial.
And offer extensive coverage of whatever this cross-country skiing thing is.
Cuz meanwhile THINGS ARE GOIN' DOWN!
Oh thank god I was really concerned for a minute there that I was gonna have to watch skiing for the rest of my life.
...and not a moment too soon. KWIATOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Wee Sylvain en piste, as they say.
Fuckin' hell Michal is not playin' around! How is he already in the finishing straight??
COME ON MICHAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, by 31 100ths of a second!!!
Brad Wiggins out now, to come ruin all the fun, as he does, always.
On the bike, Wiggo really looks like Oppy, the TDU Mascot. It makes me feel sort of queasy.
And on the opposite end of that spectrum, Michal Kwiatkowski is THE CUTEST MAN ALIVE!!! They're just interviewing him about being so excellent etc, and he is just so sweet!!!
Ah il est battu, il va être battu, et largement meme!
SUCK IT WIGGO.
Fucking hell and then one of the tv motorbikes hit a barrier! What the hell! Lucifer is riding with Wiggo here.
Tejay still out there!
But no.
HA, actually better than Brad, THE WORLD'S GREATEST HUMAN AND BIKE RIDER EVER, apparently.
What a dick.
Wish there was video, but the sentiment still stands.
Hubris.
Well we didn't see it but NICE ONE for Tiny John Degenkolb, in for sixth!
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!
Meanwhile, is Niki trolling his boss? I love it. Also the caption is weirdly hysterical.
Well Paris-Nice obviously got the memo about last year's Fireworks of Tirreno and has fired a BRILLIANT opening salvo in the fight for stage race supremacy. Your move, Tirreno.
Saturday, 7 March 2015
Take Me Home, Gravel Roads
Strade Bianche
A 'modern classic' they seem to call this. I guess cuz it's technically such a newbie, but boasts such an excellent collection of past winners.
I'd be happy with any of those last three to do a repeat (or three-peat, as might be the case).
Cuz I'm fairly sure all three work at least part-time in male modelling.
Froomey knows: cycling cures all.
Come on ladies. Let professional champagne sprayer Niki show you how it's done.
I literally don't even know what sport this is being broadcast while we wait. Is it GUTS?
They should bring back GUTS. And Legends of the Hidden Temple.
Alright, 91k to go and there's a vaguely inconsequential group of breakaway riders up front. Except one is called Fonzi; we should talk about that.
Oh my goodness, a very bizarre crash there. Pirazzi just seemingly toppled over and doesn't seem to be able to get back up. Ugh, looks painful. Beloki-esque.
Huh a small group with Sagan and his offensive gear just went past, ahead of the peloton.
Ummm, they're being way too harsh on Moreno Moser right now. "He won it in 2013 and has done NOTHING WHATSOEVER since then". 7th in the Cadel Evans Great Ocean Road Race doesn't mean anything to you?! Just kidding, I mean yeah he didn't win AT ALL in 2014, but clearly he's been busy raising baby kangaroos in the most utterly adorable fashion!
66k to go, last four breakaways only have a minute and a half now. Sagan seems to be back in the main group? The commentators aren't hugely informative here.
Italy is a stunner.
They are literally obsessed with Julian Arredondo's bike frame. In 15 minutes of airtime they've mentioned it 4 times. Apparently it's THE WORLD'S SMALLEST BICYCLE. Is it?
Oss and Quinzy on the front! They have been 'training' and pulling heists and generally having an absolute whale of a time recently.
Also, who's responsible for coining the SamugoldSanchez hashtag? Chapeau, as they say.
Monte Sante Marie Sector and strong crosswinds. Au secours! Au secours!
Ughhhhhhhhhhh. Could Valv.Piti PLEASE just retire already and spare us this nonsense EVERY RACE.
And in the similarly-awkward colours of Astana, Boom Goes the Dynamite up at the front.
NATHAN HAAS IN THE FRONT GROUP
Great stuff.
Omfg it looks so hard to even remain upright!
The only way to ride this race is from the front. It's like Paris-Roubaix in that way. I love it.
Stybar, Sagan, Valv.Piti have separated themselves up front.
Ok, 'Lotto-Yumbo' is not a thing. Let's try and keep it together.
20 seconds those first three have, 44k to go.
Ummm, HELP A DUDE OUT!!! Styby was just trying to get rid of his cold weather gear by handing it off to the tv motorbike and the guy wouldn't take it! Just a free Czech champs jersey there guy, for your troubles. Wtf.
Sagan and Valverde looking down at their stems just now: Where am I? What's next?
11 seconds. 40k to go. Commercial break.
Leaders caught.
So back to 9 out front with about a minute; 37k to go.
Alright, let's not have a go at lovely Nathan Haas. Sitting on is apparently a perfectly valid race tactic. Or is it only when Sky does it?
"Fugitives"?! That is excellently overdramatic.
GreenEdge is left to do all the chasing back in the main group.
BMC have safety in numbers up front so most certainly won't win.
NATHANNNNNNNN, get 'em!
Greg VanAv went off the front, with Sep hot on his tail. Nathan was bridging the gap.
Didn't last, but for once, this was not the fault of Sep's flat tires.
Has Oss gone off the front???
Is he behind or in front??!
IN FRONT.
Turn up the heavy metal music, Daniel Oss is on the loose.
Inside 25k.
Monteaperti for Oss. And now for the other 8.
And now for everyone.
God talk about only being as good as your last race! They're talking about Ian Stannard like he's a great big loser cuz he's nowhere to be seen today. Like basically the last race that was on, he won. WHAT IS ENOUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE.
And now Sep is after Oss!
Lots of moves going!
Oh Peter! Sagan is left behind.
20k to go: Oss alone up front. Behind him Styby, Cancellara, Greg VanAv, Sep, Valv.Piti. AND NATHAN HAAS though they don't deem him worthy of mentioning in the commentary.
Sagan must be somewhere in no man's land behind them.
But now Oss brought back and hanging off the back of the front 9... with a revitalised Sagan?!
Stybar looking strong up front.
Sep, Stybar, Greg VanAv and Valverde up front.
Cancellara with Oss a bit behind them.
Sagan not in the picture anymore it would seem.
Still one secteur to go. Cancellara knows this, he's measuring his efforts.
Sep made a move that was seeming to put Greg VanAv into difficulty there.
But still those 4 together up front.
15k.
I said it's not over and look who's back!
FAAAAAAB!! And Oss too.
Attack from the back from VanAv!
He's away!
ONTO LE TOLFE FOR GREG
And Sep, Styby, and Valv.Piti.
Fab, Oss and Rosa behind them.
Sep being left behind!
Ummm, I love how they're talking about Fab right now, how he sits at home for the opening weekend of Classics watching them on tv, figuring out his rivals, like he's some kind of dictator or war general or something.
No more gravel, under 12k, we've got Stybar, Greg VanAv and Valv.Piti alone ahead. Also some 16% gradients to come.
Sep in no man's land 15 seconds behind.
Cripes out to 30 seconds very swiftly.
And now a minute. oh my jesus.
I don't think they're that far behind. GPS has gone mad?? It could happen.
I mean it must be happening; at this rate Sep is not even in the municipality of Siena anymore.
It would appear we're getting our own version of no race radios here. NO ONE KNOWS WHERE ANYONE IS.
There's Valverde, the experienced Spaniard. Always on form it would seem from February to October. Ummmmmm. That better be the driest fucking wit. But it did not sound like it.
Maybe a bit more than slight police tape to indicate the roads???! Everyone just nearly wiped out on that turn.
4k to go.
Well if it's gonna be down to these three just PLEASE not Valv.Piti ok????
2k.
Stybar PLEASE!!!!!??
Sep is so close behind it's excruciating.
FLAMME ROUGE.
THE CLIMB.
Sep is so close!
ATTACK VAN AV!
STYBAR BEHIND
VALV PITI DISTANCED!
STYBAR ALOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
HE'S ROLLLLLING AWAYYYYYYYYYY!
WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE IT.
LOVE!!
And a standard 2nd place for Greg VanAv there. I mean for reals.
Awkward final podium place for Valv.Piti, soooooo (technically, eventually, with an asterisk in history, whatever) Sep in third!
Nathan we love you!!!
Pete you too!
Also, I'd like Fab to win again soon please. His storytelling is immense. How long til Flanders?
Can't wait for that motorbike guy to tell everyone how he turned down the WINNER'S JERSEY at 40k to go. One for the ages.
A 'modern classic' they seem to call this. I guess cuz it's technically such a newbie, but boasts such an excellent collection of past winners.
I'd be happy with any of those last three to do a repeat (or three-peat, as might be the case).
Cuz I'm fairly sure all three work at least part-time in male modelling.
Froomey knows: cycling cures all.
Come on ladies. Let professional champagne sprayer Niki show you how it's done.
I literally don't even know what sport this is being broadcast while we wait. Is it GUTS?
They should bring back GUTS. And Legends of the Hidden Temple.
Alright, 91k to go and there's a vaguely inconsequential group of breakaway riders up front. Except one is called Fonzi; we should talk about that.
Oh my goodness, a very bizarre crash there. Pirazzi just seemingly toppled over and doesn't seem to be able to get back up. Ugh, looks painful. Beloki-esque.
Huh a small group with Sagan and his offensive gear just went past, ahead of the peloton.
Ummm, they're being way too harsh on Moreno Moser right now. "He won it in 2013 and has done NOTHING WHATSOEVER since then". 7th in the Cadel Evans Great Ocean Road Race doesn't mean anything to you?! Just kidding, I mean yeah he didn't win AT ALL in 2014, but clearly he's been busy raising baby kangaroos in the most utterly adorable fashion!
66k to go, last four breakaways only have a minute and a half now. Sagan seems to be back in the main group? The commentators aren't hugely informative here.
Italy is a stunner.
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They are literally obsessed with Julian Arredondo's bike frame. In 15 minutes of airtime they've mentioned it 4 times. Apparently it's THE WORLD'S SMALLEST BICYCLE. Is it?
Oss and Quinzy on the front! They have been 'training' and pulling heists and generally having an absolute whale of a time recently.
Also, who's responsible for coining the SamugoldSanchez hashtag? Chapeau, as they say.
Monte Sante Marie Sector and strong crosswinds. Au secours! Au secours!
Ughhhhhhhhhhh. Could Valv.Piti PLEASE just retire already and spare us this nonsense EVERY RACE.
And in the similarly-awkward colours of Astana, Boom Goes the Dynamite up at the front.
NATHAN HAAS IN THE FRONT GROUP
Great stuff.
Omfg it looks so hard to even remain upright!
The only way to ride this race is from the front. It's like Paris-Roubaix in that way. I love it.
Stybar, Sagan, Valv.Piti have separated themselves up front.
Ok, 'Lotto-Yumbo' is not a thing. Let's try and keep it together.
20 seconds those first three have, 44k to go.
Ummm, HELP A DUDE OUT!!! Styby was just trying to get rid of his cold weather gear by handing it off to the tv motorbike and the guy wouldn't take it! Just a free Czech champs jersey there guy, for your troubles. Wtf.
Sagan and Valverde looking down at their stems just now: Where am I? What's next?
11 seconds. 40k to go. Commercial break.
Leaders caught.
So back to 9 out front with about a minute; 37k to go.
Alright, let's not have a go at lovely Nathan Haas. Sitting on is apparently a perfectly valid race tactic. Or is it only when Sky does it?
"Fugitives"?! That is excellently overdramatic.
GreenEdge is left to do all the chasing back in the main group.
BMC have safety in numbers up front so most certainly won't win.
NATHANNNNNNNN, get 'em!
Greg VanAv went off the front, with Sep hot on his tail. Nathan was bridging the gap.
Didn't last, but for once, this was not the fault of Sep's flat tires.
Has Oss gone off the front???
Is he behind or in front??!
IN FRONT.
Turn up the heavy metal music, Daniel Oss is on the loose.
Inside 25k.
Monteaperti for Oss. And now for the other 8.
And now for everyone.
God talk about only being as good as your last race! They're talking about Ian Stannard like he's a great big loser cuz he's nowhere to be seen today. Like basically the last race that was on, he won. WHAT IS ENOUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE.
And now Sep is after Oss!
Lots of moves going!
Oh Peter! Sagan is left behind.
20k to go: Oss alone up front. Behind him Styby, Cancellara, Greg VanAv, Sep, Valv.Piti. AND NATHAN HAAS though they don't deem him worthy of mentioning in the commentary.
Sagan must be somewhere in no man's land behind them.
But now Oss brought back and hanging off the back of the front 9... with a revitalised Sagan?!
Stybar looking strong up front.
Sep, Stybar, Greg VanAv and Valverde up front.
Cancellara with Oss a bit behind them.
Sagan not in the picture anymore it would seem.
Still one secteur to go. Cancellara knows this, he's measuring his efforts.
Sep made a move that was seeming to put Greg VanAv into difficulty there.
But still those 4 together up front.
15k.
I said it's not over and look who's back!
FAAAAAAB!! And Oss too.
Attack from the back from VanAv!
He's away!
ONTO LE TOLFE FOR GREG
And Sep, Styby, and Valv.Piti.
Fab, Oss and Rosa behind them.
Sep being left behind!
Ummm, I love how they're talking about Fab right now, how he sits at home for the opening weekend of Classics watching them on tv, figuring out his rivals, like he's some kind of dictator or war general or something.
No more gravel, under 12k, we've got Stybar, Greg VanAv and Valv.Piti alone ahead. Also some 16% gradients to come.
Sep in no man's land 15 seconds behind.
Cripes out to 30 seconds very swiftly.
And now a minute. oh my jesus.
I don't think they're that far behind. GPS has gone mad?? It could happen.
I mean it must be happening; at this rate Sep is not even in the municipality of Siena anymore.
It would appear we're getting our own version of no race radios here. NO ONE KNOWS WHERE ANYONE IS.
There's Valverde, the experienced Spaniard. Always on form it would seem from February to October. Ummmmmm. That better be the driest fucking wit. But it did not sound like it.
Maybe a bit more than slight police tape to indicate the roads???! Everyone just nearly wiped out on that turn.
4k to go.
Well if it's gonna be down to these three just PLEASE not Valv.Piti ok????
2k.
Stybar PLEASE!!!!!??
Sep is so close behind it's excruciating.
FLAMME ROUGE.
THE CLIMB.
Sep is so close!
ATTACK VAN AV!
STYBAR BEHIND
VALV PITI DISTANCED!
STYBAR ALOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
HE'S ROLLLLLING AWAYYYYYYYYYY!
WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE IT.
LOVE!!
And a standard 2nd place for Greg VanAv there. I mean for reals.
Awkward final podium place for Valv.Piti, soooooo (technically, eventually, with an asterisk in history, whatever) Sep in third!
Nathan we love you!!!
Pete you too!
Also, I'd like Fab to win again soon please. His storytelling is immense. How long til Flanders?
Can't wait for that motorbike guy to tell everyone how he turned down the WINNER'S JERSEY at 40k to go. One for the ages.
Sunday, 1 March 2015
Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (Sprint)
Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne
Yuuuuup, bike racing is the best.
Also the best: THESE FACES. Niki is always amazing and expressive. I think it's his giant eyes and sense of mischief.
I love Niki. And Niki and Tom together.
Anyway ok, keep it together.
There was all sorts of drama and fireworks on the Oude Kwaremont, with attacks and decisive selections etc... but the minute the coverage started working it all came back together.
Annnnd now we're just riding around Belgium in a big bunch.
Hittin' the finish line for the first time, it's two go-rounds now I think?
Europcar leading the group, giving the commentators a chance to talk about Bryan Coquard and the excellently (and deliciously) named Geoffrey Soupe.
After the commercial break, it's Katusha in charge. With OPQS right behind. Which makes me stressed.
Oh come on is even worth mentioning Tyler Farrar as any kind of contender anymore?
Me too.
Jens Debusschere and jokesmaster general Hendy in the mix for Lotto? I hate when it's literally ANYONE'S race, I struggle to pick a favourite.
Ca pas vraiment payer hier pour Tommeke, comme on l'appelle.... Mais bon il a tellement gagner on peut pas vraiment dire du mal.
Oh god.
Oh god they're talking tactics at the car.
OH MY GOD THE MAN IS JUST TRYING TO HAVE A PISS! They did a slow-mo recap of Matteo Trentin weeing off the side of the bike and then noticing the camera. Can't a man have a bit of dignity!
Katusha still all over the front. MTN behind them and OPQS behind them.
10k to go.
Kiiiind of lined out? Still a big group up front but a lot of people hanging on for dear life at the back.
Sky trying to take some control.
PhilGil in Sky's wheel.
PHILGIL AWAY!
The audio commentary quite evidently now does NOT match the video feed. When everyone was rolling along in the bunch it wasn't noticeable but they forecast that attack from Phil by like 25 seconds before you actually saw it.
I would love if Phil won. But he's only got like 10 seconds. And he did that crazy solo chase only yesterday.
Under the flamme rouge for Phil with only 5 seconds!
APPARENTLY. This delayed video is HORRIFIC and confusing and stress-making.
AHHHHH I CAN HEAR BUT NOT SEE!
I THINK CAV WON!
We'll have to wait about 30 seconds to figure out what the hell went on.
EVERYONE IS ALL OVER THE ROAD
Oh my god it's mayhem.
OH HE WAS WELL AHEAD. That was fantastic thank god.
Whew Cokey Tom nearly got knocked out there! He goes to make a move and someone practically body checks him!
Viviani third!
Oh il est LOIN d'être mort hein, le sprinteur britannique!
Oh yeah, the donkey. Nice one.
Yuuuuup, bike racing is the best.
Also the best: THESE FACES. Niki is always amazing and expressive. I think it's his giant eyes and sense of mischief.
I love Niki. And Niki and Tom together.
Anyway ok, keep it together.
There was all sorts of drama and fireworks on the Oude Kwaremont, with attacks and decisive selections etc... but the minute the coverage started working it all came back together.
Annnnd now we're just riding around Belgium in a big bunch.
Hittin' the finish line for the first time, it's two go-rounds now I think?
Europcar leading the group, giving the commentators a chance to talk about Bryan Coquard and the excellently (and deliciously) named Geoffrey Soupe.
After the commercial break, it's Katusha in charge. With OPQS right behind. Which makes me stressed.
Oh come on is even worth mentioning Tyler Farrar as any kind of contender anymore?
Me too.
Jens Debusschere and jokesmaster general Hendy in the mix for Lotto? I hate when it's literally ANYONE'S race, I struggle to pick a favourite.
Ca pas vraiment payer hier pour Tommeke, comme on l'appelle.... Mais bon il a tellement gagner on peut pas vraiment dire du mal.
Oh god.
Oh god they're talking tactics at the car.
OH MY GOD THE MAN IS JUST TRYING TO HAVE A PISS! They did a slow-mo recap of Matteo Trentin weeing off the side of the bike and then noticing the camera. Can't a man have a bit of dignity!
Katusha still all over the front. MTN behind them and OPQS behind them.
10k to go.
Kiiiind of lined out? Still a big group up front but a lot of people hanging on for dear life at the back.
Sky trying to take some control.
PhilGil in Sky's wheel.
PHILGIL AWAY!
The audio commentary quite evidently now does NOT match the video feed. When everyone was rolling along in the bunch it wasn't noticeable but they forecast that attack from Phil by like 25 seconds before you actually saw it.
I would love if Phil won. But he's only got like 10 seconds. And he did that crazy solo chase only yesterday.
Under the flamme rouge for Phil with only 5 seconds!
APPARENTLY. This delayed video is HORRIFIC and confusing and stress-making.
AHHHHH I CAN HEAR BUT NOT SEE!
I THINK CAV WON!
We'll have to wait about 30 seconds to figure out what the hell went on.
EVERYONE IS ALL OVER THE ROAD
Oh my god it's mayhem.
OH HE WAS WELL AHEAD. That was fantastic thank god.
Whew Cokey Tom nearly got knocked out there! He goes to make a move and someone practically body checks him!
Viviani third!
Oh il est LOIN d'être mort hein, le sprinteur britannique!
Oh yeah, the donkey. Nice one.
Saturday, 28 February 2015
Stannard Operating Procedure
Omloop Het Nieuwsblad
Well, this is timely.
Damn you Eurosport/Sporza/whatever police scanner I'm tapped into right now, I DON'T WANT TO WATCH FOOTBALL. I want to watch this beaut and his ill-advised beard roll around Belgium.
Or see more of this lovely man and his lovely smile and delightful way with children.
Ah here we go. Panic over.
Hmm, Sky DO have a "belle carte a jouer"...
I CAN'T DEAL WITH HOW GOOD BERNIE LOOKS IN RAPHA.
The beard is killing me though. Maybe women were mobbing him in the streets and he's just tryin' to put some fires out.
Oh man the commentators are mocking it too.
Anyway. I'm not TRYING to make this the Tour de Bernie but he's on the front and very much the focus at the moment.
Did this race used to be called Ghent-Ghent? There should be more of that vibe. Retro, #capsnothats shit.
Also, bring back derny racing.
This commentary is the Frenchest. One guy has a lisp and the other seriously keeps going "oui c'est c'la".
Already sick of hearing about Bradley Wiggins. That took just over 2 minutes.
OOH crash. Very dusty. No one seems to be staying on the ground.
New kits and new team names are stressing me out. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE.
These commentators are ace: "C'est difficile avec les voitures, le public.." "Les chiens."
Kruisberg ho!
Another crash! Europcar down. Some staying down. Lloyd Mondory out they're saying.
There's a very good article in CycleSport this month about the psychological effects of crashing, with a lot of riders saying they would intentionally get into breaks just to get out of the peloton where they felt anxious.
ANOTHER CRASH. Ahhh Lovely Miki Schar they think!
Lotto-Soudal attack! Ned Boulting will be thrilled.
Brought back, whoever he was.
The Taaienberg is coming up. The internet suggests it's referred to as 'Boonenberg'. This needs to be made official.
Matt Brammier on the attack from the front group!! I miss his easily recognisable Irish champs jersey of yesteryear.
COKEYYYYYYY TOMMMMMMMM!
That was so explosive someone was LITERALLY just riding sideways on the road. What the actual hell?? Everyone lost their minds.
Oh whoever it was was on the lefthand side and went to move over and got sort of latched into a cobble.
This is like the bike equivalent of MIC DROP.
Arnaud Demare is up in there? I love that dude and his amateur photography!
There's a dude in the break that's making me want to eat goujons. His name is broadly similar.
Cripes Albert Timmer just nearly got decapped by the direction indicator gendarme. Attention au petit drapeau, say the commentators, which may just have to be my first album title.
Albert Timmer features in the fucking brilliant film Nieuwe Helden.
Welp. That's an understatement.
Wolvenberg for the three leaders. Not sure what's shakin' at the back. There was talk of an elite Boonen group of 20 but I think quite a few people got back on.
Luke Rowe's trying a thing. Sort of sounds like they're saying "Le Crow", which I hope catches on.
Meanwhile, not in Belgium: Phil, the World Tour misses you bigtime.
Le Crow has joined Matt Brammier and Albert Timmer, but they're like 5 seconds ahead of the main group so oh well.
Annnnd that's over. Boooooo, that was a good little team.
Seriously, how big is Stijn Vandenberg? Like honestly what is his shoulder span. Is he a human.
The understated description of them as 'obstacles'-- like something you might find on a children's playground-- is cracking me up.
Group of BEASTS getting away!!!!
OPQS Beasts. Or Etixx Beasts, whatever they are now.
Group of four ahead with Niki, Cokey Tom, Stijn, and last year's winner Stannard. OMFG.
Maintenant c'est contre la montre par equipe qu'ils vont faire. Lolz.
This is the best imagery of the season so far. And there's already been tough competition.
Which race was it last year when it was like the entire OPQS team up front but then like Sagan took it or something? They super blew it tactically, I can't remember the specifics but I'm having awful deja vu. Was it E3 maybe?
Gah mechanicals for Sep and Arnaud Demare!!
BURGHYYYYYYY. Leading the peloton. Yay!
YOU FUCKING KNOW.
A not insignificant 31 seconds they've got up there.
Molenberg!
Honestly though, can Sep get a new tire sponsor or something?? I feel like he has disproportionally bad tire luck ALL THE TIME, like he's always ABOUT TO WIN and at KEY MOMENTS he just grinds to a halt.
Sep and Greg VanAv are trying to get away, buuuuuuut... you got another OPQSer on your tail son!
I feel like Unlucky Sep should do a themed video to this. His fucking theme tune.
Pourtant ca roule vite hein?
Does ROBORST mean 'chasers'?
But then Head of the Race is written in English. What is this channel??
They're listing Cokey Tom's palmares. Read 'em and weep kids. LITERALLY.
PhilGil, Wee Sylvain and Marco Marcato are... somewhere..... together.
Marco Marcato has one of the best names in the pro peloton. Such pleasing assonance.
Are they Group 3 on the road possibly?
Ah yes, 45 seconds behind Cokey Tom's Crew. With Styby and Sep VanFlatTire in the in between.
Cokey Tom goin' solo!
Or trying to. Not really getting anywhere.
PHILLLLLLLLLLLL
Ridin' solo!
Stijn's Shoulders now setting the pace. And sheltering a small village behind him.
Et puis les 3 Etixx-Quick Step, c'est pas n'importe qui!
Cripes out in the flatlands you can see them coming like RIGHT UP on the leaders!
A la Belgique hein, tous les moyens sont bons. Les trottoirs...
LAST PAVE.
No judgement being made here, but it'd be SO AWKS if Greg VanAv FINALLY won one and then was done for doping.
I mean Stannard has sat on 100%, surely it's his race to lose??
Oh Phil. Cutting a lonely figure out there in the Flemish lanes.
I'm pretty sure Cokey Tom just gave a small thumbs up to the camera. HE IS SUCH A DUDE.
I AM SO IN LOVE. That was such a baller move!
Ned's into it too.
Ooh Sky's jag on the move. NICO ARE YOU THERE??
Alas, some other rando shouting instructions out the window.
Oh it's Servais Knaven.
Ca y est.
Couldn't have said it better. It's time for tactics, and Cokey Tom is on your wheel.
Cokey Tom just adjusting himself there. In slightly too extreme close up. NSFW.
I mean for real.
AND HE'S OFF I NEED A LARGER FONT THERE ISN'T A FONT LARGE ENOUGH
TOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEKKKEEEEEEEEE!
Back togetherrrrrr-- or are they and NIKI is off!
Stijn follows.
KEEP THE PUNCHES COMING.
Stannard off the front now.
Niki's got his wheel. Cokey Tom is trying to bridge.
WHAT DOES PIÉGÉ MEAN??
GAH FLAMME ROUGE WHAT HOW WILL THIS END
It looks so close from behind but the overhead makes it look like TOM IS SO FAR.
COME ON NIKIIIIIIIIIII
man!
Niki was so close!
It's not that I don't like Stannard, I just LOVE OPQS SO MUCH.
And they obviously worked really hard and he sat on and Niki even despite all that work practically almost won.
But that's cool he's done it twice in a row and of course he totally horrifically broke his back last year so it is I suppose totally awesome that he's back.
Yeah, I suppose.
Me-ow! But fair.
Yeah, hope. And get some new fucking tires!!
Perhaps this evening as Pat Lefevre berates them, OPQS can cut the tension with a timely rendition of 'Oops I Did It Again'.
But for all that, I think GVK is the day's most unlucky OPQSer. As Niki, Tom, Stijn, and Styby manfully take their earful, they should remember one thing:
Nothing is worse than riding around with the shits.
Well, this is timely.
Damn you Eurosport/Sporza/whatever police scanner I'm tapped into right now, I DON'T WANT TO WATCH FOOTBALL. I want to watch this beaut and his ill-advised beard roll around Belgium.
Or see more of this lovely man and his lovely smile and delightful way with children.
Ah here we go. Panic over.
Hmm, Sky DO have a "belle carte a jouer"...
I CAN'T DEAL WITH HOW GOOD BERNIE LOOKS IN RAPHA.
The beard is killing me though. Maybe women were mobbing him in the streets and he's just tryin' to put some fires out.
Oh man the commentators are mocking it too.
Anyway. I'm not TRYING to make this the Tour de Bernie but he's on the front and very much the focus at the moment.
Did this race used to be called Ghent-Ghent? There should be more of that vibe. Retro, #capsnothats shit.
Also, bring back derny racing.
This commentary is the Frenchest. One guy has a lisp and the other seriously keeps going "oui c'est c'la".
Already sick of hearing about Bradley Wiggins. That took just over 2 minutes.
OOH crash. Very dusty. No one seems to be staying on the ground.
New kits and new team names are stressing me out. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE.
These commentators are ace: "C'est difficile avec les voitures, le public.." "Les chiens."
Kruisberg ho!
Another crash! Europcar down. Some staying down. Lloyd Mondory out they're saying.
There's a very good article in CycleSport this month about the psychological effects of crashing, with a lot of riders saying they would intentionally get into breaks just to get out of the peloton where they felt anxious.
ANOTHER CRASH. Ahhh Lovely Miki Schar they think!
Lotto-Soudal attack! Ned Boulting will be thrilled.
Brought back, whoever he was.
The Taaienberg is coming up. The internet suggests it's referred to as 'Boonenberg'. This needs to be made official.
Matt Brammier on the attack from the front group!! I miss his easily recognisable Irish champs jersey of yesteryear.
COKEYYYYYYY TOMMMMMMMM!
That was so explosive someone was LITERALLY just riding sideways on the road. What the actual hell?? Everyone lost their minds.
Oh whoever it was was on the lefthand side and went to move over and got sort of latched into a cobble.
This is like the bike equivalent of MIC DROP.
Arnaud Demare is up in there? I love that dude and his amateur photography!
There's a dude in the break that's making me want to eat goujons. His name is broadly similar.
Cripes Albert Timmer just nearly got decapped by the direction indicator gendarme. Attention au petit drapeau, say the commentators, which may just have to be my first album title.
Albert Timmer features in the fucking brilliant film Nieuwe Helden.
Welp. That's an understatement.
Wolvenberg for the three leaders. Not sure what's shakin' at the back. There was talk of an elite Boonen group of 20 but I think quite a few people got back on.
Luke Rowe's trying a thing. Sort of sounds like they're saying "Le Crow", which I hope catches on.
Meanwhile, not in Belgium: Phil, the World Tour misses you bigtime.
Le Crow has joined Matt Brammier and Albert Timmer, but they're like 5 seconds ahead of the main group so oh well.
Annnnd that's over. Boooooo, that was a good little team.
Seriously, how big is Stijn Vandenberg? Like honestly what is his shoulder span. Is he a human.
The understated description of them as 'obstacles'-- like something you might find on a children's playground-- is cracking me up.
Group of BEASTS getting away!!!!
OPQS Beasts. Or Etixx Beasts, whatever they are now.
Group of four ahead with Niki, Cokey Tom, Stijn, and last year's winner Stannard. OMFG.
Maintenant c'est contre la montre par equipe qu'ils vont faire. Lolz.
This is the best imagery of the season so far. And there's already been tough competition.
Which race was it last year when it was like the entire OPQS team up front but then like Sagan took it or something? They super blew it tactically, I can't remember the specifics but I'm having awful deja vu. Was it E3 maybe?
Gah mechanicals for Sep and Arnaud Demare!!
BURGHYYYYYYY. Leading the peloton. Yay!
.jpg/220px-Tour_de_Romandie_2013_-_Stage_5_-_Podium_-_Marcus_Burghardt_1_(cropped).jpg){kind=link}
YOU FUCKING KNOW.
A not insignificant 31 seconds they've got up there.
Molenberg!
Honestly though, can Sep get a new tire sponsor or something?? I feel like he has disproportionally bad tire luck ALL THE TIME, like he's always ABOUT TO WIN and at KEY MOMENTS he just grinds to a halt.
Sep and Greg VanAv are trying to get away, buuuuuuut... you got another OPQSer on your tail son!
I feel like Unlucky Sep should do a themed video to this. His fucking theme tune.
Pourtant ca roule vite hein?
Does ROBORST mean 'chasers'?
But then Head of the Race is written in English. What is this channel??
They're listing Cokey Tom's palmares. Read 'em and weep kids. LITERALLY.
PhilGil, Wee Sylvain and Marco Marcato are... somewhere..... together.
Marco Marcato has one of the best names in the pro peloton. Such pleasing assonance.
Are they Group 3 on the road possibly?
Ah yes, 45 seconds behind Cokey Tom's Crew. With Styby and Sep VanFlatTire in the in between.
Cokey Tom goin' solo!
Or trying to. Not really getting anywhere.
PHILLLLLLLLLLLL
Ridin' solo!
Stijn's Shoulders now setting the pace. And sheltering a small village behind him.
Et puis les 3 Etixx-Quick Step, c'est pas n'importe qui!
Cripes out in the flatlands you can see them coming like RIGHT UP on the leaders!
A la Belgique hein, tous les moyens sont bons. Les trottoirs...
LAST PAVE.
No judgement being made here, but it'd be SO AWKS if Greg VanAv FINALLY won one and then was done for doping.
I mean Stannard has sat on 100%, surely it's his race to lose??
Oh Phil. Cutting a lonely figure out there in the Flemish lanes.
I'm pretty sure Cokey Tom just gave a small thumbs up to the camera. HE IS SUCH A DUDE.
I AM SO IN LOVE. That was such a baller move!
Ned's into it too.
Ooh Sky's jag on the move. NICO ARE YOU THERE??
Alas, some other rando shouting instructions out the window.
Oh it's Servais Knaven.
Ca y est.
Couldn't have said it better. It's time for tactics, and Cokey Tom is on your wheel.
Cokey Tom just adjusting himself there. In slightly too extreme close up. NSFW.
I mean for real.
AND HE'S OFF I NEED A LARGER FONT THERE ISN'T A FONT LARGE ENOUGH
TOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEKKKEEEEEEEEE!
Back togetherrrrrr-- or are they and NIKI is off!
Stijn follows.
KEEP THE PUNCHES COMING.
Stannard off the front now.
Niki's got his wheel. Cokey Tom is trying to bridge.
WHAT DOES PIÉGÉ MEAN??
GAH FLAMME ROUGE WHAT HOW WILL THIS END
It looks so close from behind but the overhead makes it look like TOM IS SO FAR.
COME ON NIKIIIIIIIIIII
man!
Niki was so close!
It's not that I don't like Stannard, I just LOVE OPQS SO MUCH.
And they obviously worked really hard and he sat on and Niki even despite all that work practically almost won.
But that's cool he's done it twice in a row and of course he totally horrifically broke his back last year so it is I suppose totally awesome that he's back.
Yeah, I suppose.
Me-ow! But fair.
Yeah, hope. And get some new fucking tires!!
Perhaps this evening as Pat Lefevre berates them, OPQS can cut the tension with a timely rendition of 'Oops I Did It Again'.
But for all that, I think GVK is the day's most unlucky OPQSer. As Niki, Tom, Stijn, and Styby manfully take their earful, they should remember one thing:
Nothing is worse than riding around with the shits.
Wednesday, 9 April 2014
You Spin Me Right Ronde
Ronde Van Vlaanderen
(A brief report as this one was taken in socially at the Rapha Cafe)
Cokey Tom was flirting with the sign on team. They're lovin' it, I imagine.
We check in on the race and TAYLOR is in the day's breakaway!!
Ugh. #Rain #Rain
Some wild imagery here. Niki alerting the group to an upcoming turn but looks like he's raving.
Ted on the front! G there. Where's our TaylorBreak?
Best split screen ever: Head of Race- Taylor Phinney; Head of Peloton- Ted King
Taylor looks so good on the bike. Which is weird cuz he looks so good off it.
It looks HARD out there.
Everyone who crashes crashes for real though. Ouch.
Now split screen Niki and Taylor. Do these two know each other? They should be best friends. Might be a japes overload though, if such a thing were possible.
Taylor is looking STRONG.
#Crash #Crash.
Jesus. Crashes every 10 seconds.
The banding together of everyone is making me sentimental. Popo went down really hard and all the fans started gathering around and redirecting traffic to keep him out of harm's way.
Why was Niki off the back just then? And why we're GreenEdge holding each other's lower backs as they rode along? So many unanswered questions.
What a chase group! Quinziato, Matteo Trentin, and Bernie!! This race today is like a sales advert for cycling!
Quinziato obv trying to bridge up to partner in crime Taylor. But the fan fic stops there.
Ok, just one more. Because this team is BEYOND FANTASTIC.
Can Stijn Devolder stay up on a bike??? (Twice!! In this race alone!).
...Can G?
Fab just turned on the motor on his bike and left everyone (cept Seb) behind. They couldn't even COPE.
This is an IMPRESSIVE chasing group. All the big hitters are here.
Oh my Christ, Fab's SUPER HOSTILE gesturing at the escape group was incredible!! DO SOME WORK FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
Stijn Vandenbergh is doing literally NO work. Greg has been out there on his own for awhile and Seb isn't gonna be caught out again, but FAB AIN'T NO FOOL. He's not dragging these guys to the finish.
That was the most ridiculous cat-and-mousing ever seen in cycing. Fab, Seb, Greg VanAv and Stijn practically fell off their bikes with the standstill.
I was going to vomit from the tension of that finale. If anyone won other than Fab my tiny heart would've broken.
Niki chased to a top 10 finish in the end! I love Cokey Tom but Niki has shown INCREDS form this season. I thought he had a legit chance of catching the 4 escapees for a minute there!
Ok, image of the season: Fab sittin' behind the podium, beer in hand. He tries to twist the cap, and failing that, pops the top on the table beside him and chugs it down. ABSOLUTE. FUCKING. LEGEND.
Scheldeprijs
Apparently nothing is going on an everyone is riding around in the sun having a casual time. I am Niki-Bored.
Biggest news is that triple-winner Cav isn't with us today. After his early season overshare about voms and the shits, I haven't delved too much into the 'why' of it.
Fab is with us today: "Everyone is different and I've always chosen to do this race. Tomorrow we'll study the cobbles of Northern France and hold a press conference. Sunday will come fast."
Brad Wiggins is also with us. I thought his whole early season was just about getting fat for Roubaix, but here he is, exercising and all.
Does Adam Blythe even race anymore? Or does he just make a profession of hangin' with Taylor and lovin' the Monaco life?
I mean. I'm obviously jealous.
Can one apply for this job?
Or maybe the job of covering Scheldeprijs because it's clearly not being done by cyclingnews?
Well we're all showing our true colors here:
Bradley Wiggins put on a show on the podium, calling the trophy ‘the most ugly thing he ever saw’, and raising a big scare for the host on the podium when he took hold of the trophy and tested its durability. Haha, good joke Brad! Oh wait, you're a dick!
Fabian Cancellara wondered how to share the trophy with the team-mates.
Fab is only here for Roubaix prep and is on hand to support his less-superstar teammates in the sprint, but may just pull a Sagan and win anyway.
Gap is down to 1'10 with 11k to go.
Rowe won't give it up though.
45 seconds and 7k. We may have a Phinney here.
OPQS won't go down without a fight. Cokey Tom and now Matteo Trentin are drilling on the front.
Caught at 3k. One for the collection.
Ok. That came up as like 8 concurrent tweets: 5OPQSonfront-3OPQSonfront-Bunchsprint-Boonen-1k-Kittelwins!
Well. Have your hat-trick, Marcel. Roll on Sunday!
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