Milan-San Remo:
NO. STOP IT.
Somehow these descriptions don't seem to convey JUST HOW INCREDIBLE these dudes are.
I MEAN LOOK.
Also, can that be true?
Seems so wrong. And also I feel like Tommeke's win at Roubaix was like last year which it obviously wasn't.
Raisport you heroes broadcasting a whole hour earlier than everyone!
Though.. also a whole year earlier?
I DEFINITELY didn't black out and we're suddenly at 30k.
GAH don't show me Julien and his glorious hair crashing this is definitely last year right?!!
AHHH THEY'RE AT THE SAN REMO FOUNTAIN I WANT TO BE THERE
Alright I don't need to see the devastating heartbreak and lameness of last year.
We know the scene but we don't know the actors. What a poetic way of describing this GORGEOUS RACE.
Guys Demare isn't gonna double it c'mon be real.
Pippo and the Two-Handed Wave. A children's story.
I still expect to see Taylor on BMC.
I mean he's not even here, adding further confusion, but still.
This is basically French coverage in Classics season.
Lord it's bad enough when there ISN'T a French contender but are we just gonna talk about Arnaud Demare or are we gonna have a bike race?
I do quite love Pippo even though he's a bit of a weirdo.
Nacer Bouhanni is here?
The "best French sprinter behind Arnaud Demare" is basically nothing.
Wow. They've managed to come up with coverage MORE BORING than a retrospective on Arnaud Demare.
PETER'S BEING WEIRD AS USUAL!!
He's being like bizarrely obstructive and giggling and then walked away.
WAY TO BRING UP THE VIBE PETER
They're doing a recap of his weird podiums at Tirreno. He is so ace.
Peter Sagan in the same sentance as Arnaud Demare and SONNY COLBRELLI
ON Y VA POUR CETTE EDITION
Luke standing around looking like a fucking dude
Look I love Charly but it seems like Garmin always comes in with a relaxed attitude and lots of options and comes away with SO LITTLE you wonder if they even fielded a team. Do we think it might be time to reevaluate the strategy guys?
SWIFTY
YOU ARE LOVELY
Alex alongside Stevo. Yes please.
Bernie lurking near the front keeping an eye like a BOSS.
Piss time in the breakaway. The most exciting thing going on there.
Hey Phil in your champs jersey
This race is so brutal... We've been going for over four hours but you still have more than 100k left and haven't even hit the mountains. Hey ho.
WHY DOES JAY ROBERT THOMPSON RESEMBLE STEVO SO MUCH ON THE BIKE IT IS BAFFLING.
AW HEY JULIEN I know you!
...because Iljo isn't in this race. Because that's another weird on-bike twinning that doesn't make sense.
Except that they're attitude twins.
Peter looks like he's picking out a kitten at PetSmart here.
Man the fact that Fab podiumed at like every San Remo in the past 20 years really confuses things when you look at the list of winners.
PETER in the pack. Gaviria glued to his wheel.
Careful you don't get caught up in that weave Fernando.
Just kidding I LOVE PETER'S HAIR I'M SORRY
I mean how has he made the man-bun acceptable? How are his highlights so perfectly placed? AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT VOLUME. He is obviously made of magic.
Hey Cav. Have you had a trendy haircut or something?
Jule chatting to William Bonnet.
He wants to take charge.
Seriously. This is only gonna get weirder.
I'll say.
Glimpse of Captain Curvers there
IST JOHN.
CETTE IMMAGE NOUS FAIT PLAISIR
TOO RIGHT.
Got a speedsuit on...
Haiiiii Peter! Is he getting his own water bottle?
GOOOOOOORGEOUS LIGURIA I ADORE YOU
Are we just looking at Pippo's thigh in close up for no reason? Maybe zoom and slow-mo need to be removed from the camera operator arsenal.
Not stunning weather today. But not, you know, the worst.
Peter is YUKKING IT UP
And now he's yukking it up with Bernie so KILL ME
Peter's had a shave it would seem.
Luke strategising with Elia at the back here while he searches for an appropriate snack.
70k to go.
Please don't let Caleb Ewan win this. SNOOZE.
IF YOU SAY SO
Second feed zone and then CAPO CAPO CAPO!
Piss time for an OPQS.
Do they not... It looks like there's a kind of high likelihood you could be pissed on by someone going along here.
Not sure about 'city of 100 towers', Albenga. I see three.
They're kind of saying that the fact that Peter is eating shows JUST HOW INTENSE this race is. As if normally he doesn't require food like a normal human.
TRIO OF CAPOS begins with CAPO MELE
Different peeps coming to the front now. John's Treks and AG2R for whoever they've got.
C'mon let's get this breakaway over with already.
BERNIE IN THE HOUSE WATCH OUT
Cav
Luke
Elia
Love the imagery of racing along these walls on the climb
I mean if it was newbie Nate Brown in the breakaway maybe I'd care but COME ON playtime's over
WHERE. They said they saw Julian Alaphillipe but I don't.
It's still just Belgian Julien as far as I can tell
COLD. Julien blates just saw that AG2R go and DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT.
I mean THAT was a good use of zoom and slow-mo actually, seeing that face.
Thought Bert was at San Remo so that would have to rival Garmindale's current campaign.
CAPO BERTA
Well it doesn't LOOK like Goujons has 45 seconds when the peloton is RIGHT ON HIS ASS
Ah they've just wiped away all the time markers
YESSSSSSSSS THOSE FLAMETHROWERS
THIS LOOKS MAD
FECK could Etixx and FDJ go to different blue printers please!? I had a panic attack thinking an Etixx was delayed and it was Mikel Delage ffs
I think they just passed that fountain that John Degenkolb posed at in 1900.
Goddamn I mean cycling used to be EXTRA badass.
Racing to the base of the Cipressa
Oh it's all going off
Bahrain swarming, Katusha was there for a bit, Julien tried to maintain control, Daniel Oss appeared and disappeared
Lotto is now charging
EVERYONE IS WEARING RED THIS IS MADNESS
SKY PUSHING NOW
Bye bye breakaway!
ON Y EST
Ok apparently everyone is tres bien place.
WHAT'S THIIIIIIIIS
A tiny break is managing to go
A sunweb and Oss and some other people and a lotto and Trentin
A Sky flew across
PHILGIL is trying to join
Sort of everything together again but now BELGIAN TED?!?!? GOES?!
YES IT IS
Ahh shit Geshke's Beard is the one chasing him
Compatto
ALAPHILLIPE IS LURKING ON ONE SIDE AND PHIL IS ON THE OTHER
They think Cav is no longer bien place!!
Wow they've written him RIGHT off. I'm not entirely sure where he is.
Tommy of the Mill is KILLING the group
He know's John's not on his team anymore right?
Shhhhhhhh. Let him hide in plain sight.
22k.
Is that Kwiato in Peter's wheel?
Bahrain attacking now
Attacking the descent. CLASSIC Shark move.
Tony Gallopin attacking
Julian is staying Peter's wheel back here
Back together again
Peter comes towards the front
Julian has a lot of teammates
WHICH I KNOW IS NEVER GOOD BUT COME ON
Everyone in trains
Is Daniel Oss a giant? He looks huge on the bike.
Etixx taking the lead as we head for the Poggio
Tommeke takes us there
C'est royal con meme, quelle seigneur!
How long to go?
PIED DU POGGIO
TREK PUSH
FOLLOWED BY SKY PUSH
Sky takes over on the front
Was that Luke?
Dumoulin looks like he's trying to... do something? He looks like he's trying SO hard here and that Sky behind him doesn't even look like he's breaking a sweat!
Twitter might be ahead of the feed. Or I mean.. it's just a good bet isn't it?
Ok I can't have feeds breaking now NOT NOW
SAGAN KWIATO AND JULIAN AWAY AT 5K OF COURSE THE FEED BROKE
OTHER THINGS ARE HAPPENING
SAGAN RELANCE
KWIATO CAN'T STICK BUT JULIAN CAN
KWIATO'S STILL HANGING ON
Julian shaking out his legs
They have 17 seconds and 2k
IS THIS THE GREATEST PODIUM IN THE HISTORY OF RECORDED TIME I THINK IT MIGHT BE
EVERYONE STAY BACK
FLAMME ROUGE
Julian seemed to look back but I don't know because this picture breakup is INSANE
Peter leads with Kwiato then Julian
THIS IS LIKE STOP MOTION ANIMATION
Peter looks back
HE'S GOING
THEY ARE ALL TRYING
THEOH MY FUCKING
KWIATO EDGED OUT PETER
PETER IMMEDIATELY TOOK HIS HAND WHAT A LEGEND
I thought Julian was gonna get it there coming up in the end
Jesus hell they both THREW their bikes and then nearly collided
LOVELY KWIATO
EVERYONE IS HUGGING HIM
IS HE CRYING??? I LOVE HIM
Hey Michal how much did you win by?
FUCKIN HELL it's Julian's first San Remo I forgot!
KID IS KNOCKIN' ON THE DOOR BIGTIME
Serious dream podium.
Kwiato taps Julian on the back: 'c'mon pote, let's do this.'
What is Peter pointing at TELL US
Julian is so tiny and precious!
Peter has musketeer facial hair going on and I don't hate it
Michaaaaaaaaallllllll
LOOK AT HIS LITTLE FACE
YES. Julian goes straight to champagne spray Michal and Peter follows suit.
YOU KNOW IT VDV.
Find me this tandem bicycle.
Saturday, 18 March 2017
Sunday, 12 March 2017
IT AIN'T OVER TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS
Tirreno-Adriatico Stage 5 & Paris-Nice Stage 8:
Yeah cuz who wouldn't want to hang out with Phil??
WHAT WHAT WHAT I need coverage immediately
Cycling really makes you want to learn all the languages and visit all the places in the world.
I mean everyone was having a massive go but they did technically race TO the sun. There's never been any implicit suggestion that the race would be entirely conducted under the sun.
I guess if it starts raining in Nice then yeah by all means, you've got cause for complaint there.
MILAN SAN REMO STOP MENTIONING IT IT'S STILL A WEEK AWAY AND I CAN'T WAIT
It looks like Lammertink has gone solo from the breakaway and is alone up front now.
Ah there's our beautiful breakaway.
Inseguitori must mean 'chasers'
They seem to be 57 seconds behind Lammertink and maybe Simo Clarke is in the middle somewhere with someone from Bahrain Merida.
Goujons has joined Lammertink up front.
The inseguitori are breaking apart.
Wait is everyone just back together now?
I think testa della course is a bit relative here.
Cripes those aren't breaks screeching are they??
TAKE CARE NIKI
Is it just that everything built on a hill is beautiful by nature? Why is Italy so gorgeous!?
I read this too fast as 'Steve Cummings is attractive' and pissed myself. I think people might enjoy it if social media was that candid.
Gruppo Compatto
Or maybe not.
Where is Gruppo Yates compared to everyone else?
What's going on here? IS HE STOPPING??
What's wrong??
WHAT IS THIS?
Well Adam what's going on buddy?
A Sky and Bob Jungels are trying to get away
Oh it's Mikel Landa and his eyebrows
TIM IS TRYING TO JOIN THEM
AND HE HAS
Oh my god that might've been simply too much.
I should mention there's another wildcard rando with this group in case he ends up winning the stage or whatever.
FUCKING HELL THERE S A FULL ON TREE IN THE WHEEL OF BETTIOL.
How is it even possible that that has happened.
That was fucking mad.
Another beaut of a hillside village here at Montelparo.
Tim and Bob and co have built up nearly a minute here with 71k to go
When they hand stuff off to neutral service does it make its way back to the team cuz I can't imagine they want to keep re-issuing Etixx Luxembourg gilets all the time.
Movistar are leading the peloton I suppose it should be mentioned.
I wish Alex would go to another team. It's hard to want him to do really well when it's all for the witch doctor.
Like John racing for Bertie. I mean come on. That's mental.
Standard. Just kidding. That was unnecessary. I miss Maarten.
Over in Paris-Nice Thomas De Gendt is among the breakaways.
Whenever they zoom in grassy-knoll-style I'm never quite sure what I'm supposed to be seeing.
Like for example why were were just watching Domenco Pozzovivo in slow mo from the back like a bunch of creeps?
Gap coming down a bit at 57k to go.
A bunch of baby muurs still to come, a tiny Liege Bastogne Liege they say.
TIM. Be careful!!
50k and over to French coverage now.
God that gap is down. 20 seconds now.
Boooooooo they're getting caught.
44k and all together. For the moment.
I don't need to see Nairo Quintana's attack again thank you.
Ohhhh that's Majka. In the Polish champs this year.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S BEST POLISH
KWIATO LOVES ATTACKING
Has he won International Flandrien yet cuz he fucking should.
(Oh ok good.)
LEADER OF THE RACE LEADER OF LIFE
I just love when he does things. Anything.
Like pull focus in interviews.
OH IS IT.
I wish we could've seen a bit better who that was. Someone at the front of the peloton when that attack went was like looking around for help, like IS ANYONE SEEING THIS WHAT DO I DO?
I've been studying Froooooomy says Kwaito!
I don't think Movistar are that malin. If Valverde's not around they don't chase anything and sometimes by total chance that ends up working out in their favour. If you wanna call that a tactic...
Boooooooo another GREAT break caught.
We're into some muurs now.
Attack by some hair.
And GATTO.
It's Fabio Felline ('s hair) with him btw.
KWIATO GOES AGAIN.
Some other passengers are trying to join.
Tejay and Majka among them.
I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing a Feisty Fabio Felline.
Everyone back together.
Kwiatokowski a nouveaux a l'attack
They're suggesting he's effectively pissing on this race.
He keeps looking back. He wants some company this time.
Alas.
Now Diego Rosa goes.
25k. He's got a moderate amount of air with Kreuziger and Rui Costa.
God these baby muurs are not easy.
STYBAR WHERE
Now it's Kiry away with LL Sanchez.
Peter Sagan est toujours la, alors attention. Lui il laisse faire: Je suis la pour l'arrivee.
Oooh la la they nearly went off the road THERE NEEDS TO BE A BIT MORE THAN A TINY BIT OF PLASTIC ROPE THERE MAYBE
20k.
It's kicking off over in Paris-Nice with Bertie thrashing around so... bleh.
Adorbs.
UGHHHH Bertie's not going to win in Paris-Nice is he?? Is that a possibility?
14k and Kiry and LL have 25 seconds.
FDJ and Etixx are near the front of the peloton.
(Hi Julian in green!)
They're trying so hard to be dispassionate about this. HOW DOES IT FEEL?!
Well it certainly fucking WILL be the race to the shit if Bertie wins!
11k. Majka is leading the chase behind but they still have 20 seconds ahead.
They really really think Nibali is a has-been in this commentary box.
Under 10k.
Tejay looks like he's having a go!!
He's joined LL and Kiry has disappeared somehow.
(COME ON LES GARS)
Woooooooooooah were are we in Paris-Nice at 38k that was STUNNING.
5k left at Tirreno.
Awww JuJu still super content with the team's Paris-Nice despite the deception of yesterday.
3.2 Thibaut is going and G is following!
But unfortunately the witch doctor is also there.
UGH.
GERAINT THOMAS QUI S'ACCROCHE.
AND NOW HE TAKES THE LEAD
Pinot attacks
Peter chasing to join this group.
And he has.
1.3k
Oh man this could go so many ways
FLAMME
COME ON G I THINK ALTHOUGH ALSO PETER
Peter imposed himself hilariously there
Oh. Rigo is here. He tries some sort of attack.
I think not says Peter
THERE IS NO ROOM ON THIS TINY MEDIEVAL ROAD
500m
Peter leads us
The road widens
WHAT WILL HAPPEN
G leads into the turn
WE ARE GOING UP THE FINAL BIT OF HILL
G IS GOING FOR IT
PETER IS COMING UP ON HIM THERE IS NO CHANCE FOR ANYONE
Hey good effort Thibaut there at the end but Peter just rides in a different race.
He bunny hops on to the pavement behind the podium.
He sounds like a knight.
Waiting for an inevitably great post-race interview from Peter, meanwhile 22k to go at Paris-Nice.
C'est MAINTENANT que Paris-Nice va ce jouer.
What is that gorgeous rooftop pool going on here. This is difficult to watch from wintertime London.
Oh. Apparently we're just going back to the Biathlon after Tirreno. Ok.
So Bertie with 5 guys up front with 47 seconds and then everyone else I guess?
Col d'Eze looms.
I mean what I DIDN'T want was for Henao to lose the yellow jersey to Bertie. That wasn't what I meant.
20k to go. Bleurg.
Can Dan not do something?
I say that like he's not trying hard or something.
...But can't he?
Woah that Downer commentator actually conceded that it's not over til it's over. Maybe he secretly hates Bertie too.
ET VOILA
ATTACK DE RICHIE PORTE
YES AVEC DAN MARTIN
False bloody alarm it would seem.
Soler has gone away from that Spanish front group, which I don't really care about.
17k
Ughhhhhhhh Bertie has more than a minute now.
Where's a full on fucking tree when you need one.
JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE
GO ON
15k
BRING THAT GAP DOWN YOU BASTARDS
UGH I HATE THIS
YES IT IS CONTADOR CONTRE TOUT LE MONDE WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU
Did they say he only has 19 seconds d'avance? Am I hearing that right??
I DON'T GET MATH 11K
HELP US BOZ
Ca c'est une Froome, they say as he pedals in supertuck. That is fucking excellent.
HE IS LOSING TIME.
QUEL FINALE QUEL BAGARRE
Under 6k THERE IS STILL TIME
C'EST PLUS QUE NEUF POUR L'HOMME EN ROUGE
EVERYONE IS SHITTING THEMSELVES AT 3.5k
COME ON COME ON COME ON EVERYONE ELSE
We haven't seen the chasers I hope they are vomiting on themselves with effort this whole way
AH FUCK
Bertie goes solo
DAVID DE LA CRUZ I AM COUNTING ON YOU FOR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS BUT COME ON
I HATE TIME BONUSES I THINK
YES COME ON DAVID
TAKE THOSE TEN SECONDS TAKE THEM
FUCK YOU BERTIE COME ON DAVID DO IT
IL VA S'IMPOSER!!!!!!!!!
WHAT A FUCKING HERO.
COME ON EVERYONE ELSE
HE NEEDS 23 SECONDS
THEY WILL DO IT WONT THEY THEY'RE RIGHT THERE
TINY ALAPHILIPPE CRUSHING IT TO THE LAST
YAAAAAAAAAAAS
FUCK DID HE WIN IT BY THE SECOND
I COULD CRY
JESUS THAT IS ONE WAY TO MAKE ME LOVE HENAO
OH MY FUCKING LIFE
That was so tense.
Oh christ Bertie lost by 2 seconds.
Tant que le rideau n'est pas tombé, la pièce n'est pas terminée!
Ahahahaa. As last year, you put in a big effort; as last year, you gave us a show; and as last year, you lost.
Then he went on to say people either love you or hate you, this interviewer is gold.
How is it possible that Paris-Nice plays out like this year after year, what is this magical parcours?
Awww de la Cruz, in the style of all Etixxes, is adorable: I could manage the way for to keep on his wheel.
Freaking adorable stop it. Also what is Luke's candy of choice, the world needs to know.
Dan looks like he's just finished a particularly jazzy ice dance with a flourish.
I mean I guess you also have to like Henao cuz he looks like he rides in the past.
Oh man, the teamiest team that ever teamed. Look at Marcel stage-moming over there.
MEILLEUR EQUIPE OF LIFE.
LITERALLY MURDER ME I AM DONE.
Eh ben: super content, loulou.
Yeah cuz who wouldn't want to hang out with Phil??
WHAT WHAT WHAT I need coverage immediately
Cycling really makes you want to learn all the languages and visit all the places in the world.
I mean everyone was having a massive go but they did technically race TO the sun. There's never been any implicit suggestion that the race would be entirely conducted under the sun.
I guess if it starts raining in Nice then yeah by all means, you've got cause for complaint there.
MILAN SAN REMO STOP MENTIONING IT IT'S STILL A WEEK AWAY AND I CAN'T WAIT
It looks like Lammertink has gone solo from the breakaway and is alone up front now.
Ah there's our beautiful breakaway.
Inseguitori must mean 'chasers'
They seem to be 57 seconds behind Lammertink and maybe Simo Clarke is in the middle somewhere with someone from Bahrain Merida.
Goujons has joined Lammertink up front.
The inseguitori are breaking apart.
Wait is everyone just back together now?
I think testa della course is a bit relative here.
Cripes those aren't breaks screeching are they??
TAKE CARE NIKI
Is it just that everything built on a hill is beautiful by nature? Why is Italy so gorgeous!?
I read this too fast as 'Steve Cummings is attractive' and pissed myself. I think people might enjoy it if social media was that candid.
Gruppo Compatto
Or maybe not.
Where is Gruppo Yates compared to everyone else?
What's going on here? IS HE STOPPING??
What's wrong??
WHAT IS THIS?
Well Adam what's going on buddy?
A Sky and Bob Jungels are trying to get away
Oh it's Mikel Landa and his eyebrows
.jpg/220px-Mikel_Landa_-_Crit%C3%A9rium_du_Dauphin%C3%A9_2012_-_Prologue_(cropped).jpg){kind=link}
TIM IS TRYING TO JOIN THEM
AND HE HAS
Oh my god that might've been simply too much.
I should mention there's another wildcard rando with this group in case he ends up winning the stage or whatever.
FUCKING HELL THERE S A FULL ON TREE IN THE WHEEL OF BETTIOL.
How is it even possible that that has happened.
That was fucking mad.
Another beaut of a hillside village here at Montelparo.
Tim and Bob and co have built up nearly a minute here with 71k to go
When they hand stuff off to neutral service does it make its way back to the team cuz I can't imagine they want to keep re-issuing Etixx Luxembourg gilets all the time.
Movistar are leading the peloton I suppose it should be mentioned.
I wish Alex would go to another team. It's hard to want him to do really well when it's all for the witch doctor.
Like John racing for Bertie. I mean come on. That's mental.
Standard. Just kidding. That was unnecessary. I miss Maarten.
Over in Paris-Nice Thomas De Gendt is among the breakaways.
Whenever they zoom in grassy-knoll-style I'm never quite sure what I'm supposed to be seeing.
Like for example why were were just watching Domenco Pozzovivo in slow mo from the back like a bunch of creeps?
Gap coming down a bit at 57k to go.
A bunch of baby muurs still to come, a tiny Liege Bastogne Liege they say.
TIM. Be careful!!
50k and over to French coverage now.
God that gap is down. 20 seconds now.
Boooooooo they're getting caught.
44k and all together. For the moment.
I don't need to see Nairo Quintana's attack again thank you.
Ohhhh that's Majka. In the Polish champs this year.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S BEST POLISH
KWIATO LOVES ATTACKING
Has he won International Flandrien yet cuz he fucking should.
(Oh ok good.)
LEADER OF THE RACE LEADER OF LIFE
I just love when he does things. Anything.
Like pull focus in interviews.
OH IS IT.
I wish we could've seen a bit better who that was. Someone at the front of the peloton when that attack went was like looking around for help, like IS ANYONE SEEING THIS WHAT DO I DO?
I've been studying Froooooomy says Kwaito!
I don't think Movistar are that malin. If Valverde's not around they don't chase anything and sometimes by total chance that ends up working out in their favour. If you wanna call that a tactic...
Boooooooo another GREAT break caught.
We're into some muurs now.
Attack by some hair.
And GATTO.
It's Fabio Felline ('s hair) with him btw.
KWIATO GOES AGAIN.
Some other passengers are trying to join.
Tejay and Majka among them.
I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing a Feisty Fabio Felline.
Everyone back together.
Kwiatokowski a nouveaux a l'attack
They're suggesting he's effectively pissing on this race.
He keeps looking back. He wants some company this time.
Alas.
Now Diego Rosa goes.
25k. He's got a moderate amount of air with Kreuziger and Rui Costa.
God these baby muurs are not easy.
STYBAR WHERE
Now it's Kiry away with LL Sanchez.
Peter Sagan est toujours la, alors attention. Lui il laisse faire: Je suis la pour l'arrivee.
Oooh la la they nearly went off the road THERE NEEDS TO BE A BIT MORE THAN A TINY BIT OF PLASTIC ROPE THERE MAYBE
20k.
It's kicking off over in Paris-Nice with Bertie thrashing around so... bleh.
Adorbs.
UGHHHH Bertie's not going to win in Paris-Nice is he?? Is that a possibility?
14k and Kiry and LL have 25 seconds.
FDJ and Etixx are near the front of the peloton.
(Hi Julian in green!)
They're trying so hard to be dispassionate about this. HOW DOES IT FEEL?!
Well it certainly fucking WILL be the race to the shit if Bertie wins!
11k. Majka is leading the chase behind but they still have 20 seconds ahead.
They really really think Nibali is a has-been in this commentary box.
Under 10k.
Tejay looks like he's having a go!!
He's joined LL and Kiry has disappeared somehow.
(COME ON LES GARS)
Woooooooooooah were are we in Paris-Nice at 38k that was STUNNING.
5k left at Tirreno.
Awww JuJu still super content with the team's Paris-Nice despite the deception of yesterday.
3.2 Thibaut is going and G is following!
But unfortunately the witch doctor is also there.
UGH.
GERAINT THOMAS QUI S'ACCROCHE.
AND NOW HE TAKES THE LEAD
Pinot attacks
Peter chasing to join this group.
And he has.
1.3k
Oh man this could go so many ways
FLAMME
COME ON G I THINK ALTHOUGH ALSO PETER
Peter imposed himself hilariously there
Oh. Rigo is here. He tries some sort of attack.
I think not says Peter
THERE IS NO ROOM ON THIS TINY MEDIEVAL ROAD
500m
Peter leads us
The road widens
WHAT WILL HAPPEN
G leads into the turn
WE ARE GOING UP THE FINAL BIT OF HILL
G IS GOING FOR IT
PETER IS COMING UP ON HIM THERE IS NO CHANCE FOR ANYONE
Hey good effort Thibaut there at the end but Peter just rides in a different race.
He bunny hops on to the pavement behind the podium.
He sounds like a knight.
Waiting for an inevitably great post-race interview from Peter, meanwhile 22k to go at Paris-Nice.
C'est MAINTENANT que Paris-Nice va ce jouer.
What is that gorgeous rooftop pool going on here. This is difficult to watch from wintertime London.
Oh. Apparently we're just going back to the Biathlon after Tirreno. Ok.
So Bertie with 5 guys up front with 47 seconds and then everyone else I guess?
Col d'Eze looms.
I mean what I DIDN'T want was for Henao to lose the yellow jersey to Bertie. That wasn't what I meant.
20k to go. Bleurg.
Can Dan not do something?
I say that like he's not trying hard or something.
...But can't he?
Woah that Downer commentator actually conceded that it's not over til it's over. Maybe he secretly hates Bertie too.
ET VOILA
ATTACK DE RICHIE PORTE
YES AVEC DAN MARTIN
False bloody alarm it would seem.
Soler has gone away from that Spanish front group, which I don't really care about.
17k
Ughhhhhhhh Bertie has more than a minute now.
Where's a full on fucking tree when you need one.
JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULE
GO ON
15k
BRING THAT GAP DOWN YOU BASTARDS
UGH I HATE THIS
YES IT IS CONTADOR CONTRE TOUT LE MONDE WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU
Did they say he only has 19 seconds d'avance? Am I hearing that right??
I DON'T GET MATH 11K
HELP US BOZ
Ca c'est une Froome, they say as he pedals in supertuck. That is fucking excellent.
HE IS LOSING TIME.
QUEL FINALE QUEL BAGARRE
Under 6k THERE IS STILL TIME
C'EST PLUS QUE NEUF POUR L'HOMME EN ROUGE
EVERYONE IS SHITTING THEMSELVES AT 3.5k
COME ON COME ON COME ON EVERYONE ELSE
We haven't seen the chasers I hope they are vomiting on themselves with effort this whole way
AH FUCK
Bertie goes solo
DAVID DE LA CRUZ I AM COUNTING ON YOU FOR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS BUT COME ON
I HATE TIME BONUSES I THINK
YES COME ON DAVID
TAKE THOSE TEN SECONDS TAKE THEM
FUCK YOU BERTIE COME ON DAVID DO IT
IL VA S'IMPOSER!!!!!!!!!
WHAT A FUCKING HERO.
COME ON EVERYONE ELSE
HE NEEDS 23 SECONDS
THEY WILL DO IT WONT THEY THEY'RE RIGHT THERE
TINY ALAPHILIPPE CRUSHING IT TO THE LAST
YAAAAAAAAAAAS
FUCK DID HE WIN IT BY THE SECOND
I COULD CRY
JESUS THAT IS ONE WAY TO MAKE ME LOVE HENAO
OH MY FUCKING LIFE
That was so tense.
Oh christ Bertie lost by 2 seconds.
Tant que le rideau n'est pas tombé, la pièce n'est pas terminée!
Ahahahaa. As last year, you put in a big effort; as last year, you gave us a show; and as last year, you lost.
Then he went on to say people either love you or hate you, this interviewer is gold.
How is it possible that Paris-Nice plays out like this year after year, what is this magical parcours?
Awww de la Cruz, in the style of all Etixxes, is adorable: I could manage the way for to keep on his wheel.
Freaking adorable stop it. Also what is Luke's candy of choice, the world needs to know.
Dan looks like he's just finished a particularly jazzy ice dance with a flourish.
I mean I guess you also have to like Henao cuz he looks like he rides in the past.
Oh man, the teamiest team that ever teamed. Look at Marcel stage-moming over there.
MEILLEUR EQUIPE OF LIFE.
LITERALLY MURDER ME I AM DONE.
Eh ben: super content, loulou.
Saturday, 11 March 2017
La Course des Deux Merdes
Tirreno-Adriatico Stage 4 & Paris-Nice Stage 7:
Bromance. This team is made of bromance.
Also does this entire team refer to each other as loulou cuz I might just die from the adorableness.
Has there been research on the crossover of biathlon fans and cycling fans? Why is the biathlon always preempting my advertised cycling coverage.
Although this guy kinda reminds me of Tom Dumoulin so that's a nice surprise, but still.
Maybe if those SAT questions expressed themselves as a person trying to figure our how to follow multi-race days I would've done better in math.
The combination jersey never left us.
Oh man I would love if Tom Dumoulin won the epic mountain stage today.
Peter Sagan is just the greatest.
Also, FOR REAL WHO DOES SHIMANO'S MUSIC GIVE THEM A RAISE I AM CRYING
They're talking up G here DON'T MAKE ME DREAM
The Boy King! Leading us along here.
Peter chatting along to Viviani. And an indeterminate DData joins in.
Some semi-hilarious cycling explanations here. The gist: They're not trying to bring the break back but still, be a professional, don't let it get out to 20 minutes.
Peter's piling on his jerseys.
The thing is you really want someone cool to win Tirreno cuz of the trident.
Daniel Oss needs to have a chat with Peter about a nice conditioning masque.
I am genuinely so jealous of his hair.
Imagine if Thibaut Pinot won Tirreno and Julian won Paris-Nice. France would have to take the rest of the year off to celebrate and get over the shock.
All these villages look super gorge.
Ah man this guy is SHITTING ALL OVER NIBALI. Savage.
Now they're having problems with the transmission. Coincidence I THINK NOT.
Awww how adorable is Davide Bramati!!! Il n'y a pas beaucoup comme moi! La passion c'est ca.
Then they referred to him as le Marc Madiot Italian, which is so real.
I'm kind of bored of looking at this breakaway.
GAH excellent punning!
What's the last relevant thing Rigoberto Uran did? I mean aside from being danced up on.
40k. The gap is kiiiinda coming down. BRING ME MOUNTAINS.
Tommy of the Mill's men now coming to the front for the first time all day.
His un-accented English fascinates me.
SUNWEB IS PUSHING.
LA COURSE EST PARTI
WHAT IS TIM WELLENS HERE?!
There are so many excellent people here it's gonna be so lame if the witch doctor wins AGAIN.
These guys are going cray.
They've got the gap down to nearly 3 minutes and now everything seems to have chilled.
Chute!
Sans gravite as they say.
Except it was Tim that fell on his ass by the looks of it so a bit of gravite.
Finally, a col!
The breakaway are doing things but it's under 2 minutes now so c'mon guys get out of the way.
A Sky move...
Elia has come to the front
Stefan Kung was kinda uncool to him just there. He was like 'hey man' and then pushed him out of the way.
Watch you don't get yourself barred from the International King Dynasty for unsporting behaviour Stefan.
Under 20k.
A touch nervy around here.
Bauke at Trek is gonna confuse me all season.
Ah shit they need to watch this descent. CRIPES that breakaway dude really went down into that ditch. How did he fold his body to get under that barrier WHILE SLIDING ALONG THE ROAD?!!?
Well we've had to go over to Dutch coverage cuz everything broke.
In that time they've started the climb and Styby has come to the front.
Peter's had enough. He's literally roughhousing with Alberto Bettiol at the back now.
Ugh. Nibali and Co.
Greg is dead. Is this in slo-mo? No but seriously. He looks like an overworked plough cow.
KWIATO WHAT YES
I thought I had French coverage back but Kwiato's attack was obviously too much and it broke again.
He's got some companions now.
Not a bad climbing bunch but obviously no one I like more than Kwiato.
11k.
Kreuziger is with Greenedge now? This season's gonna be tough to follow.
Kwiato's little group is gaining time.
I think Sporza just switched over to Paris-Nice coverage of its own accord. Like a sentient being.
Maybe it knew Luke was driving on the front and I'd really want to see that.
What Quicksteps am I looking at here? It's hard to keep up with the country I'm in.
Well that is JACK BAUER I know that much.
Wee Jakob is trying an attack in Paris-Nice.
God and on top of all of this Lotto has two different jerseys in the two races so WTAF how can anyone follow anything.
PHIL.
Hi Phil.
Oh well that's one way of making it clearer.
Kwiato is now just with Spilak over in Tirreno.
Pinot is trying to spoil the party. The Witch Doctor hangs behind him and G lurks as well.
Spilak seems to be going alone.
NO.
Oh it's all kicking off now.
People are shooting off the front of the peloton all over.
OH Julian! You look resplendent in yellow!
Ah Tom and G swirling around in Tirreno!
Fucking tell me about it.
It doesn't help that additionally you can hear Australian commentary coming from SOMEWHERE in the background.
2.2k and there are a mix of good and bad things going on.
COME ON G IS ALL I CAN SAY
1.8k
Bleurg.
I find Quintana SO unexciting.
UGH. Well this certainly ruins this stage.
Fucking snooze.
Alright Paris-Nice, no pressure.
For once I'd actually like the blatantly nationalistic French coverage.
WAIT WILL YATES TAKE THE JERSEY?!
REDEEM THIS DUMB DAY ADAM
Oh. They totally mis-sold that. Alright. Moving swiftly on.
Certainly leading in the weird name category.
Comme hier, comme avant-hier, comme tous les jours has an odd beautiful poetry to it.
On a vu Nicholas Roche..
Ah bon??
This guy is seeing all sorts of people we aren't seeing on the screen. SHOW ME WEE PIERRE
Tiny Alaphillipe strategising with his potes as he races along.
Is there someone called Romain Corbeau??
THERE IS ONLY ONE LE CROW
Alright Lillian I'm over you can we please make the catch now?
Oh putain! someone just shouted somewhere off screen. It's basically like the cycling equivalent of the greatest thing ever seen around here right now.
A few chasers behind Lillian and then Skys and JuJu and Co leading the peloton.
PHIL.
Phil looks so right in the Belgian champs jersey.
UGH that was like precipice-cam, I just got vertigo.
12k.
Oh now Bertie's team is getting involved. LET'S NOT MAKE THIS A TOTALLY USELESS DAY IN CYCLING PLEASE
Wee Pierre!
I mean he's at the way way back almost alone, but GOOD TO SEE YOU PIERRE
Oh hey Nicholas
Back here with poor S. Yates also losing contact.
Woah these dudes are gonna CATCH whoever that solo breakaway is.
WHAT
Awwww Julian has cracked.
HE IS THRASHING. What a tiny little fighter!!
YOU CAN DO IT JULIAN IT'S ONLY 10 MORE K
A bloc hein he says to his teammie as he shakes his head.
Someone's just discovered emojis.
I assume Sergio Henao is one of these Skys up here?
Why are Columbians trying to ruin my day today.
Oh my god the woeful sight of Julian, one of his dudes, and two other guys.
Remote on this mountain.
This never-ending mountain.
God it's like good cop bad cop in commentary here.
Pour l'instant il est toujours maillot jaune!
Oui mais si Henao gagne et il prend la bonif il ne sera pas.
He's spitting all over himself poor Julian
And now he's virtually lost the yellow jersey.
Trek is doing all sorts up front so to add insult to injury Bertie will probably win the stage.
I can't believe Richie made it to this group.
I love Sky but I have no feelings about Sergio Henao.
I guess I can just think of it as Luke winning.
I'm too distracted by Julian's loss to be happy that Dan is in this front group.
Richie is attacking but Bertie won't let us have nice things
GO RICHIE GO
He's getting awayyyyyyyyyy
GO ON RICHIE
Richie's looking lean these days
2k to go
Except Julian, who is at 3k to go.
This sport is so cruel.
Richie's sort of smiling grimace is excellent right now in split screen next to Bertie trying to chase him.
Oh hello it's freezing up here.
God who put this commentary team together? The most excited, optimistic man alive and the HUGEST DOWNER.
YAAAAAAAS RICHIE!!!!!
Richie looks so chill he doesn't even look like he's winded.
GO ON YOU TINY FRENCH KING
Well Julian is still the King of Hearts which I guess is all he can really hope for as a Frenchman.
Oh my god is Richie going to speak French?!!
Oh, no. They translated for him. Aw.
Awwwwww he's biggin' up Julian!!!! He did great and in the future he's gonna be a big champion.
YES HE IS.
DON'T CRY.
Bromance. This team is made of bromance.
Also does this entire team refer to each other as loulou cuz I might just die from the adorableness.
Has there been research on the crossover of biathlon fans and cycling fans? Why is the biathlon always preempting my advertised cycling coverage.
Although this guy kinda reminds me of Tom Dumoulin so that's a nice surprise, but still.
Maybe if those SAT questions expressed themselves as a person trying to figure our how to follow multi-race days I would've done better in math.
The combination jersey never left us.
Oh man I would love if Tom Dumoulin won the epic mountain stage today.
Peter Sagan is just the greatest.
Also, FOR REAL WHO DOES SHIMANO'S MUSIC GIVE THEM A RAISE I AM CRYING
They're talking up G here DON'T MAKE ME DREAM
The Boy King! Leading us along here.
Peter chatting along to Viviani. And an indeterminate DData joins in.
Some semi-hilarious cycling explanations here. The gist: They're not trying to bring the break back but still, be a professional, don't let it get out to 20 minutes.
Peter's piling on his jerseys.
The thing is you really want someone cool to win Tirreno cuz of the trident.
Daniel Oss needs to have a chat with Peter about a nice conditioning masque.
I am genuinely so jealous of his hair.
Imagine if Thibaut Pinot won Tirreno and Julian won Paris-Nice. France would have to take the rest of the year off to celebrate and get over the shock.
All these villages look super gorge.
Ah man this guy is SHITTING ALL OVER NIBALI. Savage.
Now they're having problems with the transmission. Coincidence I THINK NOT.
Awww how adorable is Davide Bramati!!! Il n'y a pas beaucoup comme moi! La passion c'est ca.
Then they referred to him as le Marc Madiot Italian, which is so real.
I'm kind of bored of looking at this breakaway.
GAH excellent punning!
What's the last relevant thing Rigoberto Uran did? I mean aside from being danced up on.
40k. The gap is kiiiinda coming down. BRING ME MOUNTAINS.
Tommy of the Mill's men now coming to the front for the first time all day.
His un-accented English fascinates me.
SUNWEB IS PUSHING.
LA COURSE EST PARTI
WHAT IS TIM WELLENS HERE?!
There are so many excellent people here it's gonna be so lame if the witch doctor wins AGAIN.
These guys are going cray.
They've got the gap down to nearly 3 minutes and now everything seems to have chilled.
Chute!
Sans gravite as they say.
Except it was Tim that fell on his ass by the looks of it so a bit of gravite.
Finally, a col!
The breakaway are doing things but it's under 2 minutes now so c'mon guys get out of the way.
A Sky move...
Elia has come to the front
Stefan Kung was kinda uncool to him just there. He was like 'hey man' and then pushed him out of the way.
Watch you don't get yourself barred from the International King Dynasty for unsporting behaviour Stefan.
Under 20k.
A touch nervy around here.
Bauke at Trek is gonna confuse me all season.
Ah shit they need to watch this descent. CRIPES that breakaway dude really went down into that ditch. How did he fold his body to get under that barrier WHILE SLIDING ALONG THE ROAD?!!?
Well we've had to go over to Dutch coverage cuz everything broke.
In that time they've started the climb and Styby has come to the front.
Peter's had enough. He's literally roughhousing with Alberto Bettiol at the back now.
Ugh. Nibali and Co.
Greg is dead. Is this in slo-mo? No but seriously. He looks like an overworked plough cow.
KWIATO WHAT YES
I thought I had French coverage back but Kwiato's attack was obviously too much and it broke again.
He's got some companions now.
Not a bad climbing bunch but obviously no one I like more than Kwiato.
11k.
Kreuziger is with Greenedge now? This season's gonna be tough to follow.
Kwiato's little group is gaining time.
I think Sporza just switched over to Paris-Nice coverage of its own accord. Like a sentient being.
Maybe it knew Luke was driving on the front and I'd really want to see that.
What Quicksteps am I looking at here? It's hard to keep up with the country I'm in.
Well that is JACK BAUER I know that much.
Wee Jakob is trying an attack in Paris-Nice.
God and on top of all of this Lotto has two different jerseys in the two races so WTAF how can anyone follow anything.
PHIL.
Hi Phil.
Oh well that's one way of making it clearer.
Kwiato is now just with Spilak over in Tirreno.
Pinot is trying to spoil the party. The Witch Doctor hangs behind him and G lurks as well.
Spilak seems to be going alone.
NO.
Oh it's all kicking off now.
People are shooting off the front of the peloton all over.
OH Julian! You look resplendent in yellow!
Ah Tom and G swirling around in Tirreno!
Fucking tell me about it.
It doesn't help that additionally you can hear Australian commentary coming from SOMEWHERE in the background.
2.2k and there are a mix of good and bad things going on.
COME ON G IS ALL I CAN SAY
1.8k
Bleurg.
I find Quintana SO unexciting.
UGH. Well this certainly ruins this stage.
Fucking snooze.
Alright Paris-Nice, no pressure.
For once I'd actually like the blatantly nationalistic French coverage.
WAIT WILL YATES TAKE THE JERSEY?!
REDEEM THIS DUMB DAY ADAM
Oh. They totally mis-sold that. Alright. Moving swiftly on.
Certainly leading in the weird name category.
Comme hier, comme avant-hier, comme tous les jours has an odd beautiful poetry to it.
On a vu Nicholas Roche..
Ah bon??
This guy is seeing all sorts of people we aren't seeing on the screen. SHOW ME WEE PIERRE
Tiny Alaphillipe strategising with his potes as he races along.
Is there someone called Romain Corbeau??
THERE IS ONLY ONE LE CROW
Alright Lillian I'm over you can we please make the catch now?
Oh putain! someone just shouted somewhere off screen. It's basically like the cycling equivalent of the greatest thing ever seen around here right now.
A few chasers behind Lillian and then Skys and JuJu and Co leading the peloton.
PHIL.
Phil looks so right in the Belgian champs jersey.
UGH that was like precipice-cam, I just got vertigo.
12k.
Oh now Bertie's team is getting involved. LET'S NOT MAKE THIS A TOTALLY USELESS DAY IN CYCLING PLEASE
Wee Pierre!
I mean he's at the way way back almost alone, but GOOD TO SEE YOU PIERRE
Oh hey Nicholas
Back here with poor S. Yates also losing contact.
Woah these dudes are gonna CATCH whoever that solo breakaway is.
WHAT
Awwww Julian has cracked.
HE IS THRASHING. What a tiny little fighter!!
YOU CAN DO IT JULIAN IT'S ONLY 10 MORE K
A bloc hein he says to his teammie as he shakes his head.
Someone's just discovered emojis.
I assume Sergio Henao is one of these Skys up here?
Why are Columbians trying to ruin my day today.
Oh my god the woeful sight of Julian, one of his dudes, and two other guys.
Remote on this mountain.
This never-ending mountain.
God it's like good cop bad cop in commentary here.
Pour l'instant il est toujours maillot jaune!
Oui mais si Henao gagne et il prend la bonif il ne sera pas.
He's spitting all over himself poor Julian
And now he's virtually lost the yellow jersey.
Trek is doing all sorts up front so to add insult to injury Bertie will probably win the stage.
I can't believe Richie made it to this group.
I love Sky but I have no feelings about Sergio Henao.
I guess I can just think of it as Luke winning.
I'm too distracted by Julian's loss to be happy that Dan is in this front group.
Richie is attacking but Bertie won't let us have nice things
GO RICHIE GO
He's getting awayyyyyyyyyy
GO ON RICHIE
Richie's looking lean these days
2k to go
Except Julian, who is at 3k to go.
This sport is so cruel.
Richie's sort of smiling grimace is excellent right now in split screen next to Bertie trying to chase him.
Oh hello it's freezing up here.
God who put this commentary team together? The most excited, optimistic man alive and the HUGEST DOWNER.
YAAAAAAAS RICHIE!!!!!
Richie looks so chill he doesn't even look like he's winded.
GO ON YOU TINY FRENCH KING
Well Julian is still the King of Hearts which I guess is all he can really hope for as a Frenchman.
Oh my god is Richie going to speak French?!!
Oh, no. They translated for him. Aw.
Awwwwww he's biggin' up Julian!!!! He did great and in the future he's gonna be a big champion.
YES HE IS.
DON'T CRY.
Saturday, 4 March 2017
Into the Gladiator's Arena
Strade Bianche:
I mean damn that WAS a little funny.
This Namedsport nonsense always makes it seem like someone didn't fill out a template correctly.
Shit's about to get real.
TURN OFF THE DOWNHILL SKIING THE RACE IS KICKING OFF
Ok dubbed commercials for over the top American tv shows are moderately more entertaining but still. BIKES PLEASE.
Mehhhhhhhhh, sad face. TURN OFF THE BIATHLON.
Siena does look absolutely gorge.
COME ON STOP TALKING JUST PUT THE RACE ON
Peter's all black World's gear is stylish. Can that make a comeback?
Last year was great don't get me wrong but I'd like to watch this year please
Plus it reminds us FAB ISN'T HERE WHICH I CAN'T ACCEPT
Tommy Dumoulin is so cute.
Oh Styby! He's so adorbs.
I really wish that. I hope to get here again some really nice results.
Peter's pre-race interview here suggests he's not feeling well, though he was in that front group earlier..
Oh.
OH. OH SHIT. They're showing the front group and it's BETTER THAN THEY WERE LETTING ON: KWIATO, STYBY, TOMMY OF THE MILL, BELGIAN TED, also Tiesj and Sean de Bie.
This of course the front CHASER group, not the boring escapees currently leading the race.
MONTE SANTE MARIE
or should I say SECTEUR SPARTACUS
MORENO MOSER HAS JOINED THEM
Explose encore a nouveaux
PUSH IT TIM
TEAR THEM LIMB FROM LIMB or something
I do love the French language. Also it's nice to be able to understand the commentary for the first time this season.
Oh Thibaut. You gotta sort out this crippling fear of descents.
Ohhhhh it looks sooooo windy!
Eurosport, are you a legitimate sporting news organisation? What is this coverage? It's like a peeping tom camera through some trees 500 miles away. This is useless.
Tim split that group up with his accelerations and is away with Styby, Kwiato, Tommy, and Tiesj. GVA and Durbo also.
And the escapees are disappearing randomly up there as well.
Now it's just Tim, Styby, GVA and Tom...
Maybe?
At least they're honest.
I think I've been watching too much ANTM. It feels like everyone is working their angles here.
Anyway, 43k to go. The excellent chasing group has a few passengers and is within 30 seconds of Thibaut and his duo.
Tom is like GO ON you Lottos!
Some other people have joined the chase group.
Not inaccurate, but also this is very nearly a dad joke.
Kwiato, Tom, Styby are in front with the remnants of the escapees
I know there's weather but can we get this feed breakup sorted?
I mean the still images are beautiful but.. NOT WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.
Still three more secteurs assez interessant
Styby is PUSHING
Michal is fighting now.
Everyone is basically just trying to stay in contact, dotted around the countryside.
They're all kind of THERE, it would be helpful if we didn't keep referring to them as a GROUP when they're one inch off the front.
Kwiato was gesturing at the camera moto to back off.
That front group is getting weird and Kwaito's like 'uhhhhhh well I'm going...'
Bauke watching the race through my eyes.
TIM WEELENS QUI RELANCE AVEC STYBAR DANS LA ROUE
Also was it Tim or was it that Katusha dude?
Onto some GROAD now
Kwiato goes again!
TIM IS GOING FOR IT BIGTIME UP THIS HILL
Je ferme la parenthese parce que la course joue
He was on a not-uninteresting rant about how EBH never lived up to his hype and how G is a much better rider.
If this is true (and you never know even WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING IT) this is a great group.
Though obviously GVA is the weak link.
20k.
Styby has lucky number 13 today.
Tommy of the Mill looks like he has joined this front group!
Also Durbridge.
Arm warmers comin' off for Styby
Vest off for Kwiato
CA RECHAUFFE
When did Juul Jensen get here?
Social media is seeming unusually out of sorts today.
It's not like Italy could ever be ugly but it's a little bit less pretty under this gloom.
YAAAAAAS KWEEEEEEEN
I love this man everybody knows it
13k
COMME SUR LES PAVES DE PARIS ROUBAIX
He has 11 seconds with just over 11k to go!!
He looks behind but he's gaining time!
I mean except for Greg I like the chasers as well (Tim and Styby) but STILL
KWIATO IS IN SIENA
He's riding on the pavement. Somebody'll have something to say about that.
Up into an uphill now
Those socks are pretty sweet.
Sing it girl. It's hard being a bike nerd.
LET'S NOT JINX IT EVERYBODY BUT COME ON KWIATOOOOOOOOOO
5k to goooooo
4
It doesn't SEEM like 27 seconds but GO ON KWAITO
He's checking behind him while in a supertuck cuz he's a BOSS
That is a very dangerous turn.
GOOD LORD he got close to that wall! SAFETY FIRST KWIATO 1.5 to GO
FLAMME ROUGE IN POLISH IS CZERWONY PŁOMIEN
He's up in the uphill up into the Piazza!
Cameras are flashing!
IT IS BEAUTIFUL
CLIMB KWIATO CLIMB
He's out of the saddle looking back
They are trying behind but they won't get him!
GOD HOW LONG IS THIS
THIS IS TRECHEROUS ROAD
HE IS UP
YAAAAAAAS
YAAAAAAS HE SAYS GET WITH ME PEOPLE
Classic Greg.
Tim got third!
Kwiato is rather woozy
Tom might get 5th here
God they're rather weathered. Rough going out there today.
This is great it slow mo. HE IS SO GREAT
OH MY FUCKING GOD HE LIKE TOOK OUT HIS SOIGNEUR LIKE A BADASS BEAR CUB.
Honestly, something about that final bit up into Piazza del Campo is SO GLADIATORIAL.
Maybe that's why Fab won so many times.
Yeah weird once again the Garmindales seemed to not even field a team here.
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED
BOOM BABY
I wish we could see some adorable post-race chat from him.
You guys are fucking killing me: straight into the action here with the Gibraltar World Champion Snooker.
Way to kill the vibe.
Talk about killing the vibe on an otherwise GREAT podium. DAMMIT GREG.
Hoookaaaay, I could cry. This is like a masterclass in being adorable. I think he must just be a really lovely human being.
ARE THEY TRYING TO MAKE ME CRY
I gotta go to this race one day.
OMFG Tom seem like he honestly would GENUINELY say boy oh boy!
Ah the lesser known #dirtyfacesDONTwin races.
I mean damn that WAS a little funny.
This Namedsport nonsense always makes it seem like someone didn't fill out a template correctly.
Shit's about to get real.
TURN OFF THE DOWNHILL SKIING THE RACE IS KICKING OFF
Ok dubbed commercials for over the top American tv shows are moderately more entertaining but still. BIKES PLEASE.
Mehhhhhhhhh, sad face. TURN OFF THE BIATHLON.
Siena does look absolutely gorge.
COME ON STOP TALKING JUST PUT THE RACE ON
Peter's all black World's gear is stylish. Can that make a comeback?
Last year was great don't get me wrong but I'd like to watch this year please
Plus it reminds us FAB ISN'T HERE WHICH I CAN'T ACCEPT
Tommy Dumoulin is so cute.
Oh Styby! He's so adorbs.
I really wish that. I hope to get here again some really nice results.
Peter's pre-race interview here suggests he's not feeling well, though he was in that front group earlier..
Oh.
OH. OH SHIT. They're showing the front group and it's BETTER THAN THEY WERE LETTING ON: KWIATO, STYBY, TOMMY OF THE MILL, BELGIAN TED, also Tiesj and Sean de Bie.
This of course the front CHASER group, not the boring escapees currently leading the race.
MONTE SANTE MARIE
or should I say SECTEUR SPARTACUS
MORENO MOSER HAS JOINED THEM
Explose encore a nouveaux
PUSH IT TIM
TEAR THEM LIMB FROM LIMB or something
I do love the French language. Also it's nice to be able to understand the commentary for the first time this season.
Oh Thibaut. You gotta sort out this crippling fear of descents.
Ohhhhh it looks sooooo windy!
Eurosport, are you a legitimate sporting news organisation? What is this coverage? It's like a peeping tom camera through some trees 500 miles away. This is useless.
Tim split that group up with his accelerations and is away with Styby, Kwiato, Tommy, and Tiesj. GVA and Durbo also.
And the escapees are disappearing randomly up there as well.
Now it's just Tim, Styby, GVA and Tom...
Maybe?
At least they're honest.
I think I've been watching too much ANTM. It feels like everyone is working their angles here.
Anyway, 43k to go. The excellent chasing group has a few passengers and is within 30 seconds of Thibaut and his duo.
Tom is like GO ON you Lottos!
Some other people have joined the chase group.
Not inaccurate, but also this is very nearly a dad joke.
Kwiato, Tom, Styby are in front with the remnants of the escapees
I know there's weather but can we get this feed breakup sorted?
I mean the still images are beautiful but.. NOT WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.
Still three more secteurs assez interessant
Styby is PUSHING
Michal is fighting now.
Everyone is basically just trying to stay in contact, dotted around the countryside.
They're all kind of THERE, it would be helpful if we didn't keep referring to them as a GROUP when they're one inch off the front.
Kwiato was gesturing at the camera moto to back off.
That front group is getting weird and Kwaito's like 'uhhhhhh well I'm going...'
Bauke watching the race through my eyes.
TIM WEELENS QUI RELANCE AVEC STYBAR DANS LA ROUE
Also was it Tim or was it that Katusha dude?
Onto some GROAD now
Kwiato goes again!
TIM IS GOING FOR IT BIGTIME UP THIS HILL
Je ferme la parenthese parce que la course joue
He was on a not-uninteresting rant about how EBH never lived up to his hype and how G is a much better rider.
If this is true (and you never know even WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING IT) this is a great group.
Though obviously GVA is the weak link.
20k.
Styby has lucky number 13 today.
Tommy of the Mill looks like he has joined this front group!
Also Durbridge.
Arm warmers comin' off for Styby
Vest off for Kwiato
CA RECHAUFFE
When did Juul Jensen get here?
Social media is seeming unusually out of sorts today.
It's not like Italy could ever be ugly but it's a little bit less pretty under this gloom.
YAAAAAAS KWEEEEEEEN
I love this man everybody knows it
13k
COMME SUR LES PAVES DE PARIS ROUBAIX
He has 11 seconds with just over 11k to go!!
He looks behind but he's gaining time!
I mean except for Greg I like the chasers as well (Tim and Styby) but STILL
KWIATO IS IN SIENA
He's riding on the pavement. Somebody'll have something to say about that.
Up into an uphill now
Those socks are pretty sweet.
Sing it girl. It's hard being a bike nerd.
LET'S NOT JINX IT EVERYBODY BUT COME ON KWIATOOOOOOOOOO
5k to goooooo
4
It doesn't SEEM like 27 seconds but GO ON KWAITO
He's checking behind him while in a supertuck cuz he's a BOSS
That is a very dangerous turn.
GOOD LORD he got close to that wall! SAFETY FIRST KWIATO 1.5 to GO
FLAMME ROUGE IN POLISH IS CZERWONY PŁOMIEN
He's up in the uphill up into the Piazza!
Cameras are flashing!
IT IS BEAUTIFUL
CLIMB KWIATO CLIMB
He's out of the saddle looking back
They are trying behind but they won't get him!
GOD HOW LONG IS THIS
THIS IS TRECHEROUS ROAD
HE IS UP
YAAAAAAAS
YAAAAAAS HE SAYS GET WITH ME PEOPLE
Classic Greg.
Tim got third!
Kwiato is rather woozy
Tom might get 5th here
God they're rather weathered. Rough going out there today.
This is great it slow mo. HE IS SO GREAT
OH MY FUCKING GOD HE LIKE TOOK OUT HIS SOIGNEUR LIKE A BADASS BEAR CUB.
Honestly, something about that final bit up into Piazza del Campo is SO GLADIATORIAL.
Maybe that's why Fab won so many times.
Yeah weird once again the Garmindales seemed to not even field a team here.
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED
BOOM BABY
I wish we could see some adorable post-race chat from him.
You guys are fucking killing me: straight into the action here with the Gibraltar World Champion Snooker.
Way to kill the vibe.
Talk about killing the vibe on an otherwise GREAT podium. DAMMIT GREG.
Hoookaaaay, I could cry. This is like a masterclass in being adorable. I think he must just be a really lovely human being.
ARE THEY TRYING TO MAKE ME CRY
I gotta go to this race one day.
OMFG Tom seem like he honestly would GENUINELY say boy oh boy!
Ah the lesser known #dirtyfacesDONTwin races.
Sunday, 26 February 2017
Alright Alright Alright
Kuurne-Brussels-Kuurne:
It's because he is PRACTICALLY BELGIAN.
No one has names like this anymore...
I mean I was only talking about Valere Ollivier but actually that entire list is full of gems.
I hope we see Taylor out on the roadside incognito cheering.
Is the the sort of vibe we can expect today on La Houppe?
Looks like fine Belgian weather out there today.
Perhaps some fashion tips from Alex Dowsett would help?
STANNARD UP THE KWAREMONT
Styby looks like he's trying to make some kind of breakaway!!
He's got Tiesj and now Representative of the International King Dynasty Stefan Kung with him!
Hopefully Stefan stays on his bike today.
Back together again.
When did Cav stop doing this race?
And also why.
Maybe there's no point if Iljo's not there to pun on it.
I should note that there's a breakaway out there but meh. Jurgen Roetlands is in it and as well as a small tapas selection: Goujons and Kirsch.
We'll mostly be interested in this second group on the road with Styby and most of OPQS, Stannard, LE CROW, Peter, King Stefan, Tiesj, Tony the Tiger, Nikolas Maes, and some other chaps.
Also Greg.
And in the same vein, last years winner Jasper Stuyven.
Nikolas Maes at Lotto Soudal continues to throw me off.
Matti Breschel trying a move off the front of the peloton.
It would sort of be fantastic if he won so someone could say Congratulations...
You're still in the running to be America's Next Top Model.
This is excellent.
Luke riding near the front like a boss.
He's trying to indicate something to everyone. Unclear. It was almost like "ride on the cobbles', but then everyone went over on the bike path anyway.
Luke in a double OPQS sandwich is kind of a beautiful sight.
WOAH what happened there!?
Did Demare break inappropriately and SCREW TONY OVER??
He's back up now with a bleeding face but TONY.
That's hardly a way to make friends Arnaud.
Tony looks like he busted his eye socket maybe.
I mean I'm still not over the emotions of the TdF, I can't deal with this.
These tiny, windy Flemish lanes with fat Belgian men perched on the edge of a ditch is such classic imagery.
Where do you even buy those giant flag pole things?
In investigating this further, I must say: Chapeau, Tiesj fans.
Not to take away from the excellent, if rather specific, Stuy-Van.
Peter literally hopping around the group here.
If you lose to Greg again after these antics Peter I swear to god
50k and no more climbs. Boring escapees to be imminently caught with Chase Group Excellence about 2 and half minutes up on the peloton.
Renaat always sounds like he's shitting his pants. He's on the back of a motorbike right? Not just chillin' in a car?
Extra Time Koers?
Are they just promoting their show via the race boards now?
Oh my god it has never been more obvious that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS LANGUAGE than watching this coverage right now.
The catch is coming and now everyone's going CRAY CRAY
Luke's eyeing up the group
UGHHH come on, catch these guys!! The peloton is catching YOU
It's basically gonna all come back together at once isn't it.
I'm not clear on anyone's game plan here
Who is this large Quickstepper?
Front group is now ACTUALLY the front group but the peloton are only 30 seconds behind.
Styby is having a whale of a time, it would seem.
Peter is NOT impressed.
Stuyven looks like he's doing a Stuyven.
Seriously it will be so dull if we get the exact same Nieuwsblad and KBK as last year.
I mean come on guys he is LITERALLY doing the same thing!! CATCH HIM THIS TIME
IT WOULD SEEM SO
Peter is taking this on. BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY.
He's got a Quickstep with him.
Trentin. Nice one.
They've joined the Stuy-Van.
Luke leading the chase behind.
Tiesj is also having a massive go.
Tiesj has made the junction
LUKE IS IN NO MANS LAND COME ON LE CROW
MADE IT
Let's make a podium out of this but not a shit one yeah?
I mean it's a matter of seconds but that's how it starts AMIRIGHT JASPER?!
Luke is hanging off the back but...
YOU CAN DO IT LUKE
Oop they've actually put a timer on it now. 15 seconds.
20 seconds with less than 20k.
It's going up. IT'S GOING UP.
Is that the Tornado Tom Frites sign? I love this country.
BELL LAP
30 seconds the gap
I think they're saying Luke can't sprint?
I'm not sure I can handle 13 more k of this I am so tense
Luke's touching Tiesj's bum for some reason.
Maybe that's their secret signal
You and me, buddy. And also Peter.
Also the picture is breaking up NOW
NOW?!?
Phew ok I nearly threw up with rage
10k
Gap is up to 42 seconds now with 8.5k OK GUYS SHIT JUST GOT REAL
5k
HOW WILL THIS END
Luke is shedding bottles
He's looking pretty focussed.
3k
I could vom
2k
Peter checking his shoes
LUKE IS RIDING WITH LUCKY NUMBER 13 I MEAN I DON'T WANT TO JINX THIS BUT
Tiesj went tentatively to the side
Everyone is swinging around hilariously
Luke just whipped round so aggressively he thought Tiesj was up to something for sure
TRENTIN IS GOING AND LUKE GOES AND PETER GOES
More swinging and ridiculousness
THIS ANGLE IS NOT HELPFUL WHY WOULD YOU USE IT
OH MY GOD SAGAN I'M SURE THE COMMENTATORS JUST SAID
He's gonna do this no probs
WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE THE FEED FROZE
God the peloton was rather close there in the end
Jesus he opened up a preposterous gap
He just shovelled a load of.. nuts or something? sweets? into his mouth like a bear. What even is he.
Podium for Luke!
IS THIS HIS FIRST PODIUM I THINK IT IS
So BMC. The BMC-est.
Luke we are all hugging you.
Meanwhile Jasper looks like an old school crim.
Over to Peter. This should be a laugh.
Big goal is stay good. What a man.
Let's not waste time here chattin' to Stuyven.
YAASSSSSS
MY MAN
I don't even mind this winter facial hair which I normally REALLY do
He could've won the sprint with one leg by the looks of it
GOOD JOB LUKE
ROUBAIX IS WHERE THE HEART LIES
I sure love him.
ROWEEEEEYYYYYYYYY on the podium!!
He's adorbs.
Is he very tall? He looks excellent.
Well. That was rather great.
It's because he is PRACTICALLY BELGIAN.
No one has names like this anymore...
I mean I was only talking about Valere Ollivier but actually that entire list is full of gems.
I hope we see Taylor out on the roadside incognito cheering.
Is the the sort of vibe we can expect today on La Houppe?
Looks like fine Belgian weather out there today.
Perhaps some fashion tips from Alex Dowsett would help?
STANNARD UP THE KWAREMONT
Styby looks like he's trying to make some kind of breakaway!!
He's got Tiesj and now Representative of the International King Dynasty Stefan Kung with him!
Hopefully Stefan stays on his bike today.
Back together again.
When did Cav stop doing this race?
And also why.
Maybe there's no point if Iljo's not there to pun on it.
I should note that there's a breakaway out there but meh. Jurgen Roetlands is in it and as well as a small tapas selection: Goujons and Kirsch.
We'll mostly be interested in this second group on the road with Styby and most of OPQS, Stannard, LE CROW, Peter, King Stefan, Tiesj, Tony the Tiger, Nikolas Maes, and some other chaps.
Also Greg.
And in the same vein, last years winner Jasper Stuyven.
Nikolas Maes at Lotto Soudal continues to throw me off.
Matti Breschel trying a move off the front of the peloton.
It would sort of be fantastic if he won so someone could say Congratulations...
You're still in the running to be America's Next Top Model.
This is excellent.
Luke riding near the front like a boss.
He's trying to indicate something to everyone. Unclear. It was almost like "ride on the cobbles', but then everyone went over on the bike path anyway.
Luke in a double OPQS sandwich is kind of a beautiful sight.
WOAH what happened there!?
Did Demare break inappropriately and SCREW TONY OVER??
He's back up now with a bleeding face but TONY.
That's hardly a way to make friends Arnaud.
Tony looks like he busted his eye socket maybe.
I mean I'm still not over the emotions of the TdF, I can't deal with this.
These tiny, windy Flemish lanes with fat Belgian men perched on the edge of a ditch is such classic imagery.
Where do you even buy those giant flag pole things?
In investigating this further, I must say: Chapeau, Tiesj fans.
Not to take away from the excellent, if rather specific, Stuy-Van.
Peter literally hopping around the group here.
If you lose to Greg again after these antics Peter I swear to god
50k and no more climbs. Boring escapees to be imminently caught with Chase Group Excellence about 2 and half minutes up on the peloton.
Renaat always sounds like he's shitting his pants. He's on the back of a motorbike right? Not just chillin' in a car?
Extra Time Koers?
Are they just promoting their show via the race boards now?
Oh my god it has never been more obvious that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS LANGUAGE than watching this coverage right now.
The catch is coming and now everyone's going CRAY CRAY
Luke's eyeing up the group
UGHHH come on, catch these guys!! The peloton is catching YOU
It's basically gonna all come back together at once isn't it.
I'm not clear on anyone's game plan here
Who is this large Quickstepper?
Front group is now ACTUALLY the front group but the peloton are only 30 seconds behind.
Styby is having a whale of a time, it would seem.
Peter is NOT impressed.
Stuyven looks like he's doing a Stuyven.
Seriously it will be so dull if we get the exact same Nieuwsblad and KBK as last year.
I mean come on guys he is LITERALLY doing the same thing!! CATCH HIM THIS TIME
IT WOULD SEEM SO
Peter is taking this on. BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY.
He's got a Quickstep with him.
Trentin. Nice one.
They've joined the Stuy-Van.
Luke leading the chase behind.
Tiesj is also having a massive go.
Tiesj has made the junction
LUKE IS IN NO MANS LAND COME ON LE CROW
MADE IT
Let's make a podium out of this but not a shit one yeah?
I mean it's a matter of seconds but that's how it starts AMIRIGHT JASPER?!
Luke is hanging off the back but...
YOU CAN DO IT LUKE
Oop they've actually put a timer on it now. 15 seconds.
20 seconds with less than 20k.
It's going up. IT'S GOING UP.
Is that the Tornado Tom Frites sign? I love this country.
BELL LAP
30 seconds the gap
I think they're saying Luke can't sprint?
I'm not sure I can handle 13 more k of this I am so tense
Luke's touching Tiesj's bum for some reason.
Maybe that's their secret signal
You and me, buddy. And also Peter.
Also the picture is breaking up NOW
NOW?!?
Phew ok I nearly threw up with rage
10k
Gap is up to 42 seconds now with 8.5k OK GUYS SHIT JUST GOT REAL
5k
HOW WILL THIS END
Luke is shedding bottles
He's looking pretty focussed.
3k
I could vom
2k
Peter checking his shoes
LUKE IS RIDING WITH LUCKY NUMBER 13 I MEAN I DON'T WANT TO JINX THIS BUT
Tiesj went tentatively to the side
Everyone is swinging around hilariously
Luke just whipped round so aggressively he thought Tiesj was up to something for sure
TRENTIN IS GOING AND LUKE GOES AND PETER GOES
More swinging and ridiculousness
THIS ANGLE IS NOT HELPFUL WHY WOULD YOU USE IT
OH MY GOD SAGAN I'M SURE THE COMMENTATORS JUST SAID
He's gonna do this no probs
WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE THE FEED FROZE
God the peloton was rather close there in the end
Jesus he opened up a preposterous gap
He just shovelled a load of.. nuts or something? sweets? into his mouth like a bear. What even is he.
Podium for Luke!
IS THIS HIS FIRST PODIUM I THINK IT IS
So BMC. The BMC-est.
Luke we are all hugging you.
Meanwhile Jasper looks like an old school crim.
Over to Peter. This should be a laugh.
Big goal is stay good. What a man.
Let's not waste time here chattin' to Stuyven.
YAASSSSSS
MY MAN
I don't even mind this winter facial hair which I normally REALLY do
He could've won the sprint with one leg by the looks of it
GOOD JOB LUKE
ROUBAIX IS WHERE THE HEART LIES
I sure love him.
ROWEEEEEYYYYYYYYY on the podium!!
He's adorbs.
Is he very tall? He looks excellent.
Well. That was rather great.
Saturday, 25 February 2017
Let's Gent This Party Started
Omloop Het Nieuwsblad:
This team is GIVIN' ME LIFE, as the kids say.
This man is a legend.
Speaking of which... Luke in 't Kuipke? THIS FEELS SO RIGHT.
URGHHHH struggling up a cobbled climb!!
THE MUUUUURRRRRR!!! It's so gorgeous!
Guess De Karper was full.
I'm overexcited and there's too much racing going on. Got images of wintertime Belgium next to twitter going 'I don't think this is Jebel Hafeet...'
There is someone called VAN GOETHEM??!
Omfg this Belgian dude should be president. It just doesn't get old.
I still can't totally believe Greg won this last year.
Stijn is on AG2R now?!?
Sep somehow seems like he was always at Garmindale, on the other hand.
THESE COMMENTATORS DON'T KNOW WHAT SVGGENT IS AND I DO GIVE ME A JOB
AWWWW I WISH I COULD UNDERSTAND THIS
Peter I am no fan of this scraggly beard thing going on but seriously, HAIR GOALS.
Kristoff please don't Kristoff this.
AW HEY ILJO
What are we looking at here? An inflatable didn't go wrong again did it?
...Oh apparently there was a crash? Unclear.
I feel like this mental screamer and I would get along.
I spy echelons!!
Knowing Pippo Pozzato is a previous winner, Leigh Howard fancies his chances today.
OOOOF that poor soul!
Oh no it's Zakkari Dempster!! He looked like maybe he was blown over up onto the curb and went down so hard!
Some soothing images of Iljo leading the peloton now.
I can't lie I'm not suuuuuper in love with the new kit. I was SUCH a fan of last year's shade of blue.
OH NO
Two dudes got blown into a ditch or something. The Giant (I cannot get on board with 'Sunweb') is NOT happy.
Massive Cannondale piss time
HEY LE CROW
What up Ronse! See you soon for the RVV shuttle bus!
Looks like a lot of flats going on.
Kruisberg!
OPQS looks like Topsport Vlaanderen now. Which can be ok but you know, bring back the OPQS blue.
I hope this man is a Luke Rowe fan who struggles with spelling.
Several Frenchies stopped here. Hope one will have an epic meltdown.
Basically a modern retelling of Captain Planet going on here.
NO NO NO NO NO
Everyone is down.
Tom is down?
All of Bahrain for sure
OH NO TOM
OH NO TOM
He's still standing there, with a tear in his shorts.
Ahh Kristoff is in a bad way.
How did that even happen??
They're saying all these names and I don't know in what context!!!
OH MAN that FDJ sure thinks this guy is to blame! That seems unnecessary, probably doesn't need to be physically assaulted after a crash.
Stuyven is not messing around on the Taaienberg!
Peter when did you get here?
LOVE.
Twitter says Tom crashed AGAIN but is up. COME BACK AND WIN IT ALL TOM
Who's up here please?
Peter, what I assume is Sep, Stannard, Moscon, and a third Sky they suggest...
Greg, I suppose I should mention.
STYBY
They say he is in the front group!
Peter taking it up at the front!
I mean there's still 50k to go but still.
WOLVENBERG
Yes. It's hard to want anyone else to be World Champion.
Grivko, Goujons, and someone called BOUDAT are also part of the front group, for info.
I mean there are like 5 'groups' up there chasing each other but, you know, UP THERE.
WHAT WHAT LUKE!?
Maybe I misheard because I love him so much.
Peter's like do some work dudes!
PhilGil is chasing somewhere at the front
Save it for Roubaix guy.
So, 1) escapees from earlier no one cares about, 2) Peter's rainbow jersey group, and 3) Luke's dudes ft. PhilGil and Styby. Situation recap.
Alright now I'm just lost.
Group 3 is large and unwieldy
ROWE AND CO
That might have been another translation mishear but also should be the name of like a trendy clothing company
Are they now calling Group 3 the peloton?
Ah everyone's within a minute of each other basically now anyway.
Peter's rainbow club is for sure about to catch these escapees
Boom.
Imagine that comin' atcha.
WHAT'S UP PETER?! He's having a mechanical or something.
40k and 40 seconds between front and peloton.
Luke is I think chatting to a Direct Energie.
Peter does so much work. Surely that's not smart?
Oh finally, I thought, a contribution from Greg! But it was just a dodgy camera angle.
Sep trying to take the lead up the Molenberg
STYBY ATTACKING FROM THE BACK
A little baby group has got away here
Or I dunno there's a lot of splitting up
Sigh. He should be driven around the route anyway so his people may see him.
Peter's bunnyhopping over danger
And then there were three...
Peter Greg and Sep have 33 seconds on everyone else with 28k to go
A lot of OPQS at the front of this chase but we know that's never a good thing.
Greg's bike is shedding shit and it nearly took out Sep. NOT COOL GREG.
GREG
WHAT THE FUCK GET IT TOGETHER. He just went to grab something from the soigneur and nearly clotheslined Sep!
WOOOOAH
Luke just shouted HEY and gave someone the finger.
Think the motorbike was too close for his liking.
P.M.J. Gilbert!? What is he, a wealthy Victorian orphan?
I mean also what are his middle names, just out of curiosity?
This group is still holding at 30 seconds. About the enter the last cobbles of the day.
PMJ Esq. and Styby are at the head of the chase behind
A tailwind eh?!!
15k
Guys this break isn't gonna be caught by a Direct Energie and a Wanty.
Quite an ugly shot of Gent they chose to use there.
GENT IS A STUNNER STOP YOUR PROPAGANDA
Hier met Luke Rowe.
I understand that.
So cute Leo!
Bora got some good teammies in this year with Leo the Lion King and Burgy.
10k and if anything that gap is going UP
I mean Peter needs to win this, if it's gonna be these three.
LUKE AND SYBY IN YER FACE COME ON DIG IN GUYS
Loving that this is a thing. Surely quite cold though if he's been out there for the whole race?
God it's up to 45 seconds now.
Bleurg. It's not that I don't LIKE Greg and Sep it's just
Meh.
Alright Peter. LET'S DO THIS
5k
4
Rowe and Co (Co here being THE ENTIRETY OF OPQS) rolling in whenever here. Save it for Roubaix dudes.
1.5k
KICKIN OFF AT THE FLAMME
Sort of. It looked like it might but didn't.
Peter leading the way OF COURSE
Peter looks back
300 meters
Sep goes from the back
ALL OVER THE ROAD
GREG
NO
DON'T YOU DARE GREG
NO
UGH Peter tried.
Well whatever have this one.
A bizarre solo sprint for fourth from Felline there.
Man Sep really faded there at the end.
Watch me.
This team is GIVIN' ME LIFE, as the kids say.
This man is a legend.
Speaking of which... Luke in 't Kuipke? THIS FEELS SO RIGHT.
URGHHHH struggling up a cobbled climb!!
THE MUUUUURRRRRR!!! It's so gorgeous!
Guess De Karper was full.
I'm overexcited and there's too much racing going on. Got images of wintertime Belgium next to twitter going 'I don't think this is Jebel Hafeet...'
There is someone called VAN GOETHEM??!
Omfg this Belgian dude should be president. It just doesn't get old.
I still can't totally believe Greg won this last year.
Stijn is on AG2R now?!?
Sep somehow seems like he was always at Garmindale, on the other hand.
THESE COMMENTATORS DON'T KNOW WHAT SVGGENT IS AND I DO GIVE ME A JOB
AWWWW I WISH I COULD UNDERSTAND THIS
Peter I am no fan of this scraggly beard thing going on but seriously, HAIR GOALS.
Kristoff please don't Kristoff this.
AW HEY ILJO
What are we looking at here? An inflatable didn't go wrong again did it?
...Oh apparently there was a crash? Unclear.
I feel like this mental screamer and I would get along.
I spy echelons!!
Knowing Pippo Pozzato is a previous winner, Leigh Howard fancies his chances today.
OOOOF that poor soul!
Oh no it's Zakkari Dempster!! He looked like maybe he was blown over up onto the curb and went down so hard!
Some soothing images of Iljo leading the peloton now.
I can't lie I'm not suuuuuper in love with the new kit. I was SUCH a fan of last year's shade of blue.
OH NO
Two dudes got blown into a ditch or something. The Giant (I cannot get on board with 'Sunweb') is NOT happy.
Massive Cannondale piss time
HEY LE CROW
What up Ronse! See you soon for the RVV shuttle bus!
Looks like a lot of flats going on.
Kruisberg!
OPQS looks like Topsport Vlaanderen now. Which can be ok but you know, bring back the OPQS blue.
I hope this man is a Luke Rowe fan who struggles with spelling.
Several Frenchies stopped here. Hope one will have an epic meltdown.
Basically a modern retelling of Captain Planet going on here.
NO NO NO NO NO
Everyone is down.
Tom is down?
All of Bahrain for sure
OH NO TOM
OH NO TOM
He's still standing there, with a tear in his shorts.
Ahh Kristoff is in a bad way.
How did that even happen??
They're saying all these names and I don't know in what context!!!
OH MAN that FDJ sure thinks this guy is to blame! That seems unnecessary, probably doesn't need to be physically assaulted after a crash.
Stuyven is not messing around on the Taaienberg!
Peter when did you get here?
LOVE.
Twitter says Tom crashed AGAIN but is up. COME BACK AND WIN IT ALL TOM
Who's up here please?
Peter, what I assume is Sep, Stannard, Moscon, and a third Sky they suggest...
Greg, I suppose I should mention.
STYBY
They say he is in the front group!
Peter taking it up at the front!
I mean there's still 50k to go but still.
WOLVENBERG
Yes. It's hard to want anyone else to be World Champion.
Grivko, Goujons, and someone called BOUDAT are also part of the front group, for info.
I mean there are like 5 'groups' up there chasing each other but, you know, UP THERE.
WHAT WHAT LUKE!?
Maybe I misheard because I love him so much.
Peter's like do some work dudes!
PhilGil is chasing somewhere at the front
Save it for Roubaix guy.
So, 1) escapees from earlier no one cares about, 2) Peter's rainbow jersey group, and 3) Luke's dudes ft. PhilGil and Styby. Situation recap.
Alright now I'm just lost.
Group 3 is large and unwieldy
ROWE AND CO
That might have been another translation mishear but also should be the name of like a trendy clothing company
Are they now calling Group 3 the peloton?
Ah everyone's within a minute of each other basically now anyway.
Peter's rainbow club is for sure about to catch these escapees
Boom.
Imagine that comin' atcha.
WHAT'S UP PETER?! He's having a mechanical or something.
40k and 40 seconds between front and peloton.
Luke is I think chatting to a Direct Energie.
Peter does so much work. Surely that's not smart?
Oh finally, I thought, a contribution from Greg! But it was just a dodgy camera angle.
Sep trying to take the lead up the Molenberg
STYBY ATTACKING FROM THE BACK
A little baby group has got away here
Or I dunno there's a lot of splitting up
Sigh. He should be driven around the route anyway so his people may see him.
Peter's bunnyhopping over danger
And then there were three...
Peter Greg and Sep have 33 seconds on everyone else with 28k to go
A lot of OPQS at the front of this chase but we know that's never a good thing.
Greg's bike is shedding shit and it nearly took out Sep. NOT COOL GREG.
GREG
WHAT THE FUCK GET IT TOGETHER. He just went to grab something from the soigneur and nearly clotheslined Sep!
WOOOOAH
Luke just shouted HEY and gave someone the finger.
Think the motorbike was too close for his liking.
P.M.J. Gilbert!? What is he, a wealthy Victorian orphan?
I mean also what are his middle names, just out of curiosity?
This group is still holding at 30 seconds. About the enter the last cobbles of the day.
PMJ Esq. and Styby are at the head of the chase behind
A tailwind eh?!!
15k
Guys this break isn't gonna be caught by a Direct Energie and a Wanty.
Quite an ugly shot of Gent they chose to use there.
GENT IS A STUNNER STOP YOUR PROPAGANDA
Hier met Luke Rowe.
I understand that.
So cute Leo!
Bora got some good teammies in this year with Leo the Lion King and Burgy.
10k and if anything that gap is going UP
I mean Peter needs to win this, if it's gonna be these three.
LUKE AND SYBY IN YER FACE COME ON DIG IN GUYS
Loving that this is a thing. Surely quite cold though if he's been out there for the whole race?
God it's up to 45 seconds now.
Bleurg. It's not that I don't LIKE Greg and Sep it's just
Meh.
Alright Peter. LET'S DO THIS
5k
4
Rowe and Co (Co here being THE ENTIRETY OF OPQS) rolling in whenever here. Save it for Roubaix dudes.
1.5k
KICKIN OFF AT THE FLAMME
Sort of. It looked like it might but didn't.
Peter leading the way OF COURSE
Peter looks back
300 meters
Sep goes from the back
ALL OVER THE ROAD
GREG
NO
DON'T YOU DARE GREG
NO
UGH Peter tried.
Well whatever have this one.
A bizarre solo sprint for fourth from Felline there.
Man Sep really faded there at the end.
Watch me.
Tuesday, 5 July 2016
When Life Gives You Limoges...
Catching up on yesterday's highlights first:
...or lowlights, as the case may be.
Oh Richie. I mean it's just a disaster, what else can you say. Just have to move on.
What nationality is Sam Bennett? This is confusing.
Ok suddenly he sounds fully Irish now but he was like legit German there for a sec.
Apparently Matti Breschel used to be a male model? This is not a joke.
There is no excuse for Shane Archbold's hair.
God that sprint was fucking cray.
Oh god poor Greipel I feel bad he thought he won...
A lot of people were excited when we got the boys back together
Those kids on the podium kill me.
I never think about to be like lion. WHAT IS THIS MAN EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS GOLD
My father is here with the car. And we put everything in the car. Is his response to WHAT'S IT LIKE WINNING ALL THE MAJOR JERSEYS OF THE SPORT.
Ok, onto today's news:
Dave went out into Limoges and bought a trivia fact book about the Tour de France, just in case.
Tell less stories about Chris Boardman and more stories about Robbie McEwan selling cows.
BOOM. Lil Tom and his combativity numbers.
Ahhhhh I knew it was Christian!
They've nicked Christian from next door to chat to us.
Sort of. I mean it is still VDV, 'chat' is maybe not the correct term.
Legitimate question: Is Cofidis in this race?
Because Bora is totes playing the Cofidis role these days, breakaway-wise.
Interesting intermediate sprint...
Etixx put like the entire team on that and then Peter just strolled by.
... Apparently today is a livelier day but...
There's no one in this break to be really gung-ho for.
We need to chill out on this EBH chat. As if Cav was EVER in his shadow.
The World Series of Darts. Come on.
Oh man break is down.
Julian Vermotte has really been crushing it lately.
Aggggh we're in mind meld! He looks like a gazelle in a museum diorama there though.
We're over Oradour-sur Glane now.
Oh man I've never seen it before actually. That was quite haunting.
Lare Bear experiences Le Tour like all of us.
Some terminology chat: Is this a 'drag' or a 'climb'? Well, sometimes its a 'false flat', sometimes it's a 'kicker'...
They've settled on drag.
20k about 25 seconds for the break.
I keep sort of forgetting what Direct Energie's game is up here.
Soz Brian Coquard.
Yeah it is weird actually we literally haven't seen any Team Sky all day.
Unless you count DanceClub DeathStar and Nico's amazing debriefs.
Woah Lars Bak not super happy there for a sec.
Oh hello Sky.
Adam Hansen KILLIN IT on the front here
He's nearly breaking away on accident.
WHEW that's some shit ass traffic furniture!
Everyone is cray
Oh John you poor soul I forgot sort of you were there.
Bernie TAKES OVER this screen, even from miles away
Downhill til 600 meters to go!?! THIS IS INSANE
I've seen nothing but thousands of bottles being thrown from every side, it's chaos.
FLAMME
INTERESTING
ETIXX IS COMING UP
god the crowds are immense
It's chaos
KATUSHA?!
GET OUT
WHO ARE YOU ETIXX
THERE ARE THREE OF THEM
WHO
IS THAT HIM??
Oh I see
Greipel?
NOT KRISTOFF NO
WHO IS UP THERE
THIS ANGLE IS USELESS
WHAT
WHO WON
WHO WON
WHAT THE
THIS IS TOO MUCH
Got to be Kittel hasn't it?
THIS IS MAD
THAT IS MAD
YOU CANNOT EVEN TELL
They've shown every possible angle and none of them are clear!
YASSSS they're giving git to Kittel
AHHH THANK GOD
Geez I never thought I'd feel sorry for Kittel but I was and they were shitting all over the Etixx train just then SO WELL DONE YOU
Oh man I think he's just dying.
I mean seriously.
Are they doing bonus seconds again? I'll have to see how I feel about that.
Seb Piquard, voice of Radio Tour, interviews Marcel!
He's a sweet man.
Are the most common words spoken in cycling: 'bit of a sketchy final'?
...or lowlights, as the case may be.
Oh Richie. I mean it's just a disaster, what else can you say. Just have to move on.
What nationality is Sam Bennett? This is confusing.
Ok suddenly he sounds fully Irish now but he was like legit German there for a sec.
Apparently Matti Breschel used to be a male model? This is not a joke.
There is no excuse for Shane Archbold's hair.
God that sprint was fucking cray.
Oh god poor Greipel I feel bad he thought he won...
A lot of people were excited when we got the boys back together
Those kids on the podium kill me.
I never think about to be like lion. WHAT IS THIS MAN EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS GOLD
My father is here with the car. And we put everything in the car. Is his response to WHAT'S IT LIKE WINNING ALL THE MAJOR JERSEYS OF THE SPORT.
Ok, onto today's news:
Dave went out into Limoges and bought a trivia fact book about the Tour de France, just in case.
Tell less stories about Chris Boardman and more stories about Robbie McEwan selling cows.
BOOM. Lil Tom and his combativity numbers.
Ahhhhh I knew it was Christian!
They've nicked Christian from next door to chat to us.
Sort of. I mean it is still VDV, 'chat' is maybe not the correct term.
Legitimate question: Is Cofidis in this race?
Because Bora is totes playing the Cofidis role these days, breakaway-wise.
Interesting intermediate sprint...
Etixx put like the entire team on that and then Peter just strolled by.
... Apparently today is a livelier day but...
There's no one in this break to be really gung-ho for.
We need to chill out on this EBH chat. As if Cav was EVER in his shadow.
The World Series of Darts. Come on.
Oh man break is down.
Julian Vermotte has really been crushing it lately.
Aggggh we're in mind meld! He looks like a gazelle in a museum diorama there though.
We're over Oradour-sur Glane now.
Oh man I've never seen it before actually. That was quite haunting.
Lare Bear experiences Le Tour like all of us.
Some terminology chat: Is this a 'drag' or a 'climb'? Well, sometimes its a 'false flat', sometimes it's a 'kicker'...
They've settled on drag.
20k about 25 seconds for the break.
I keep sort of forgetting what Direct Energie's game is up here.
Soz Brian Coquard.
Yeah it is weird actually we literally haven't seen any Team Sky all day.
Unless you count DanceClub DeathStar and Nico's amazing debriefs.
Woah Lars Bak not super happy there for a sec.
Oh hello Sky.
Adam Hansen KILLIN IT on the front here
He's nearly breaking away on accident.
WHEW that's some shit ass traffic furniture!
Everyone is cray
Oh John you poor soul I forgot sort of you were there.
Bernie TAKES OVER this screen, even from miles away
Downhill til 600 meters to go!?! THIS IS INSANE
I've seen nothing but thousands of bottles being thrown from every side, it's chaos.
FLAMME
INTERESTING
ETIXX IS COMING UP
god the crowds are immense
It's chaos
KATUSHA?!
GET OUT
WHO ARE YOU ETIXX
THERE ARE THREE OF THEM
WHO
IS THAT HIM??
Oh I see
Greipel?
NOT KRISTOFF NO
WHO IS UP THERE
THIS ANGLE IS USELESS
WHAT
WHO WON
WHO WON
WHAT THE
THIS IS TOO MUCH
Got to be Kittel hasn't it?
THIS IS MAD
THAT IS MAD
YOU CANNOT EVEN TELL
They've shown every possible angle and none of them are clear!
YASSSS they're giving git to Kittel
AHHH THANK GOD
Geez I never thought I'd feel sorry for Kittel but I was and they were shitting all over the Etixx train just then SO WELL DONE YOU
Oh man I think he's just dying.
I mean seriously.
Are they doing bonus seconds again? I'll have to see how I feel about that.
Seb Piquard, voice of Radio Tour, interviews Marcel!
He's a sweet man.
Are the most common words spoken in cycling: 'bit of a sketchy final'?
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